Episode 12 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

2012 has been a glorious year for the British spirit.

And one pop quiz aimed to keep that spirit alive. But did it?

Over the next half hour, we're going to take you on an epic journey,

travelling an astonishing tens of miles to find out what,

if anything, Never Mind The Buzzcocks

has meant to you normal people.

Along the way, we shall meet actual viewers with actual

viewpoints as they help us

to remind ourselves of some truly treasured memories from the series.

This is the story of Never Mind The Buzzcocks 2012

and the people who let us touch them.

Meet Andy, who runs a post office.

Andy thinks he can best sum up what it is about Buzzcocks

that people love so much.

-CASHIER:

-Number six, please.

If I could sum up the Buzzcocks in one word, I would say...

Top viewing.

I've seen you out there dancing with other men,

while me and Conor are indoors playing Battleships.

Do you know what I think about monogamy?

Good game, that. I like it.

-Who's your lover?

-Tony Blackburn.

MUSIC

-ANNOUNCER:

-Tony Blackburn!

-Are you Nancy Dell'Olio's lover?

-Yes, I am.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-ANNOUNCER:

-Tony Blackburn!

-Fazer, you were in a combo called the N-Dubz.

-The N-Dubz?

-N-Dubz, yeah.

-And it was you and your friends.

-My childhood friends.

-Lovely. And you know Ms Tulisa.

-Yes, I do.

Can I ask you, when you were dating Ms Tulisa,

did she ever whisper in your ear...

COCKNEY ACCENT: 'I want a brown baby'.

LAUGHTER

But the story doesn't end there.

John from Wales has his own opinion about what he thinks.

I get the impression at times you struggle to fill the show

and get the right people on there but that's half the fun, really.

It's not as tight as it used to be in terms of guests

and everything like that but it's still very, very watchable.

-What about paintings? Have you received any paintings?

-No.

So lucky I made copies. That I sent to you about three years ago.

-This one I call Ocean Bliss and it's me and you.

-I really want that.

-Here. It's for you.

-But you haven't signed it.

-..Which I call Balmy Summer.

-Wow!

-There's Balmy Summer.

And this when I call Contorting The Actress Mena Suvari With My Python Cock.

LAUGHTER

They're good.

-Rita, have you ever crowd surfed?

-I crowd surfed once.

-At your own gig?

Yeah. It was. A very intimate gig.

I wouldn't trust it, for somebody just grabbing you

and probing you.

-I've been probed quite a few times.

-Is that why they call you Labrinth?

LAUGHTER

Are you a big fan of Michael Jackson?

I do like Michael Jackson and his music.

I bet Olympic gymnastics would be better if you moonwalked.

-Over, up and down the pommel horse?

-Yeah.

If you'd come down the pommel horse moonwalking, you might've win gold.

-We're on the same team, man! Come on!

-Can you moonwalk, Louis?

-Cos you do dancing.

-I can moonwalk.

I thought everyone could moonwalk.

Do you want to moonwalk?

Would you mind moonwalking? Louis Smith is going to moonwalk.

CHEERING

-Billie Jean?

-Yeah, sounds good.

-You'll do Billie Jean?

Billie Jean for you.

SONG: "Billie Jean"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we go. Louis Smith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How you managed to get a half an hour show out of it is incredible

sometimes, because at times you laugh all the way through

and others you only laugh three times in the whole show,

but those three times you really laugh and it makes it worthwhile.

-Would you judge the best kitten?

-All right, yeah.

Should we race or are we going for artistic...

30 seconds. Go!

Danny from McFly drawing a pussy from memory.

LAUGHTER

You legend. You absolute legend.

-NOEL:

-Have you finished already?

-I finished.

I said a kitten. You've drawn a vagina!

Oh, yes, we've actually drawn kittens!

I don't think I want Mena to have to see that.

It's very smutty, Mena, I'm sorry. Just show it.

You despicable man! Show the cameras, Danny from McFly!

Oh, you sick bastard!

This is a family show!

But to find out if the complete mystery of Buzzcocks' success

runs deeper than it first appears, we need to meet these people.

-Hi, I'm Nicola.

-Hello, I'm Roscoe.

-And this is our flat.

Like most ordinary people of their age,

Roscoe and Nicola like nothing more than sitting on the sofa

next to their stuffed pet fox and watching television, and lots of it.

-Big Bang Theory...

-Big Bang Theory, yeah.

You'll try and make me watch Family Guy or...

I don't mind Family Guy, it's the other one, South Park.

Take or leave it.

But then you sit me through How I Met Your Mother,

-the most powerfully unfunny programme on the planet.

-So, it's a mix.

-Yeah.

-Mondays. And then Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

-And then a bit of sex!

I'm so thrilled that you're on this show,

because when I was asked to do the show I did say to the producers,

"It would be blooming marvellous if we could get one of our great

"Olympians on", and obviously, I would have preferred Mo Farah.

Do you ever think about anything when you're mid-flight?

I really fancy some toast!

No, it happens so quick you really don't have time to...

You ever not landed?

I suppose Buzzcocks don't get the bigger celebrities,

but I think that makes it better.

We also heard Automatic with Monster.

-Their last album...

-HE MUMBLES

No, no, that's...I had a flashback.

I used to be a Japanese warrior in the 14th century.

We also heard Automatic with Monster. Dun-diya...Done it again.

We also heard Automatic with Monster.

Their last album Tear...Tear, tear, it's Tear, isn't it?

"Teer" and "tare" are spelt the same, aren't they? That's the problem.

I don't like words that are spelt the same, but mean different things, like cock and cock.

We also heard Automatic with Monster. Their latest album...

We also...We, we, we...

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We also heard Automatic with Monster.

Their last album Tear The Sign Down... Signs, it's plural!

I thought they had only committed one crime.

I didn't know they were repeat offenders.

We also heard Automatic with Monster. Good, weren't it?

Right, move on!

APPLAUSE

Everyone there looks like they're so tired

and they hate their lives and are still on the show,

but they do it because they still have an enjoyment.

It's a bit like going to work and then realising you don't want

to get to work cos it's shit but when you're there you go,

it's not so bad and you actually have a laugh at the end of it.

Bob Marley performed with The Wailers who are still

very much imitated around the world.

I recently went to see the Japanese Wailers

and they've given it a very different spin!

Barry Manilow was once sent a roll of toilet paper with

"I Love You" written on every sheet.

I imagine he needs a lot of toilet paper. I don't know if you've ever

seen Barry close-up but he has the most enormous shitty arse!

So we heard Lenny Kravitz with Are You Gonna Go My Way?

Lenny Kravitz is half-Jewish and half-black,

whereas I look Jewish and wish I was black!

We also heard Carly Simon with You're So Vain.

Recently, Carly Simon revealed the identity

of the song's subject to the highest bidder at a charity auction.

The lucky winner was a Mr Dick Ebersol,

who I believe is married to Fanny Canesten.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

P Diddy actually says there's an art to sending sex texts.

Oh, come on, P, we all know the art of sexting.

It's three emoticons - smiley face, cum face, sleepy face!

I heard Richard Madeley say cum face.

I'm still drinking that in!

But is putting such a show together a difficult task

and what makes it an unparalleled quiz show?

One person who thinks he knows about it as well as most,

is this man - Amin.

The thing about Buzzcocks is you do the same thing over and over

and over, until you feel like you're enjoying it.

I prefer Mock The Week, to be honest, because there are comics on it

and I think the games

and the different sketches are better than Buzzcocks.

It's time for mine and Judy's favourite round, the Intros Round.

In fact, Judy and I were reviewing this round at our

Comedy Pop Quiz Review Club just the other night.

-Here's what we thought.

-LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS

Judy and myself find it to be one of the most watchable,

emotionally intense rounds of the year.

Phill and Noel pull off the key team captains' trick of getting us

to care about the intros.

By the end of the performance,

you'll be comprehensively on the hook.

Put quite simply, a cracking watch.

We gave it four out of five stars. Well done, guys.

APPLAUSE

# Dow-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow Ticka-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow

# Ticka-dow, ticka-dow... #

Is it...

# Bap-ba-bada-ba bada-ba... #

Oh, come on!

PHILL SIMULATES GUITAR

David, don't cover your ears, that won't help!

Tss-tss-tss-tss-tss-tss

Boom-tss-tss-tss-tss

# Do-do-do-diddle-oo-do-do

# Bar-boo-wo-de-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do

# Warrr-urrr

# Weeee! #

When you both started screaming, it's...

It's not screaming!

Exactly. It's what I imagine a stroke sounds like, in your head.

SARAH SCREAMS

Like that!

What do lions listen to?

HE WAILS

LOW, THRUMMING GUITAR INTRO

Right, stop. Now you do that.

# Bo-bom-bom-bom-bom Bo-bom-bom-bom-bom #

Yours sounded like Carly Simon was underwater!

Yours sounded like she was going to go...

-DISTORTED:

-# You're so vain

# Bet you think this song is about you

# You're so vain... #

-Here's One Direction. Know the name of the track?

-Bollocks!

Yes, Bollocks!

And this is how Bollocks should have sounded!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

# You're insecure... #

-NOEL:

-# Summer lovin' had me a blast

ALL: # Summer lovin happened so fast

# Met a girl crazy for me

# Met a boy cute as can be

# Summer days driftin' away

# Wooh ah oh the summer nights

# A wella-wella-wella-uh... #

Un, dos, tres, cuatro...

# Barm-barm-barm-barm-barm-barm

# Barm-barm-barm-barm-barm

# Barm-barm-barm-barm-barm-barm... #

Smoke On The Water!

Wait! He's got it right!

Here's how it should have sounded.

JAZZ VERSION

# Smoke on the water... #

So that was Deep Purple with Smoke On The water.

If you've never heard Deep Purple,

they're a sort of cross between Simply Red and Blue.

Pretty good, pretty good!

We also heard Black Keys with Gold On The Ceiling. Some people have

accused the Black Keys of sounding a bit samey.

That's nonsense. That's a signature sound.

You might as well say McFly songs are bit samey! The samey as Busted!

Yes, that was Justin Bieber with Eeny Meeny.

Justin is breaking a lot of young girls' hearts.

I say hearts - hymens!

That was the Spice Girls with Who Do You Think You Are?

The Spice Girls reformed to sing at the Olympic Closing Ceremony

a few months ago.

It was the first time they'd sung together live since...they met!

These men are fishmongers and they found they very much

enjoyed the revealing nature of the show's more journalistic side.

Sometimes with the guests on Buzzcocks, I don't think they're

the most famous people around at the moment.

But they are the more quirky, interesting characters.

When they reveal something they shouldn't have,

I still think it's funny the way the team captains abuse them

for the whole show, the rest of the show.

Who once said, "I love dogs.

"I let them lick me and everything."

Was it Rita or another singer?

That sounds like Rita!

-Sounds like Rita!

-What is everything?

I'm talking about the lick, then you have the affection, the jump,

-the kind of like, you know, fiddle, kiddle, cuddle. LABRINTH:

-Whoa!

No, no, no!

I meant like, you know, when you fiddle your dog and you cuddle...

No, no!

Wow, hey!

Before they go, oh, Rita admits fiddling with animals.

-No, it's not! JASON:

-You got a dog now?

-No.

It's been taken into protective custody!

-Has anyone here got a dog that licks them?

-Silence.

-Are you serious?

No-one licks their dog... I mean...

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

I am just happy we get to spend the night together so...

-I don't really mind.

-I didn't know that was happening!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Logistically, that sounds very complicated.

I hope it's not all night, I have to say.

I usually pass out around the second time!

-Wow!

-OK, time out, Ed, let's make a start.

-Ed, are we talking before, during or after?

-After.

-You pass out?

-You're out cold?

-I can manage a couple more

if I haven't had too much of a heavy day.

Ed, you don't have to share this much.

Not saying don't, but I'm just saying... Actually, just tell me.

I slightly love you. Come on!

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Ed, you're a good lad. Just have a coffee! Or tea.

Then I'd need a wee halfway through.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'd end up in a weird situation where you're kind of shooting...

Classic Sheeran!

I think your guests are OK. They're not really proper celebrities.

You could have Rihanna or... I don't know...

Who else is sort of like that... but you don't.

Gareth, why don't you tell Wretch

which songs you like to make love to?

I think a healthy dose of silence!

Yeah?

It's hard to maintain an erection to Pie Jesu, isn't it?

# Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu...

On that note, would you say you are adventurous in the bedroom?

-Not really, no.

-Gareth?

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

See? Two very different people.

I think it would be brilliant if towards the end of this episode,

Judy just came out from under that desk!

She's not finished yet!

PHILL SCREAMS

My eyes!

-SEANN:

-Oh no!

Solomon here is Phill Jupitus' driver who spends those

intimate moments after recording a show with the man himself,

driving him home to his house. So who better to give us

a rare insight into Buzzcocks' long-standing Captain?

No, we never talk about Never...Buzztalk.

No, we never talk about the guest host at all.

We never talk about his job in the car at all.

He never talk about the team in the car as well.

Oh, yeah, he's a chatty guy.

Never Mind The Buzzcocks also gives normal people the chance

to be on television.

This old lady is Barbara, who was asked to appear on R and B superstar

Ne-Yo's show as a prop.

Hiya! Hey!

If I could sum up Buzzcocks in one word,

it would be fantabulous! How about that one?

-NOEL:

-We've got a lady. Hello.

What if the lady pooed on 'em all?

Babs, you're here for the whole series! I think they prefer you...

Whatever turns you on!

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

That was Nirvana with Smells Like Teen Spirit,

but which of our line up is Spencer Elden, the now grown-up baby

featured on the front cover of the band's iconic album Nevermind?

Is it number one - Nevermind?

Number two - Nevermind The Buzzcocks.

Number three - nevermind the tiny cocks.

Number four - nevermind, your mum still loves you.

Or number five - ahh, never mind!

Number two looks very confident.

Funny little smile, look at his face.

He looks like a baby now!

Look at him! I could pick which one I most want to breastfeed.

I think it's number two because his face is exactly the same.

-Look at it. Bless.

-Number two, is that your final answer?

OK. Let's find out. Would the real Nirvana baby please step forward?

Oh! No way!

How much sex have you got from being the Nirvana baby?

I've definitely got laid at least twice because of that, maybe more.

At what point in the relationship do you bust that secret on them?

Very first line. LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-What was the thing that Jedward brought to it?

-Our rings...

..are engraved "Jedward Forever" with a heart.

Jedward Forever?

-Is it real gold?

-Yeah.

-Melt it down, make a necklace.

You know Jedward?

-Yeah, I actually saw them not long ago. I love Jedward.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

What do you do? What sort of stuff?

Push each other in the bushes?

We talk, like, politics...

LAUGHTER

Politics is cool. Politics is the best thing in the world. Yay!

I wanted to know about Stalin and things like that.

Well, when I wanted to know about Stalin,

obviously I phoned Jedward first.

That was Toy Dolls with Nelly The Elephant,

but which one of our line-up is lead singer Pete Zulu?

Is it number one - toy doll?

Number two - Barbie doll?

Number three - Cabbage Patch doll?

Number four - blow-up doll?

Or number five - show me on the doll where he touched you?

This man is not making eye contact with me. His favourite...

He looks like he's in a gay porn version of Mad Max Thunderdome.

This man, his face is gnarled by years of bitterness.

And he's worn a sort of codpiece thing tonight and I think he did

that because he was like, whatever, I just want to get on the telly.

I will wear the codpiece.

-JACK:

-Number three, he'd get it.

Yeah, you know I'm talking about you.

Looking down at the floor, little cheeky smile.

And I wouldn't want any eye contact, so that's good.

Keep looking straight ahead, big guy.

I'll wring you out like a wet towel.

Oh, you like that! Yeah!

Sorry, is number two... is that Uncle Ben?

I am pretty certain it's number two and the reason I am,

is because when Example said the geezer's name, he turned round

as if he was, like, being summoned for a conversation.

Tony!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Number five looks like his eyes never get wet in the rain!

-Number three is quite stylish. He's got a hoop attached to his head.

-Well observed.

# Mousecat, he's lookin' at stuff and sayin' it aloud

# He's noticin' stuff

# There goes a red bus drivin' by

# And a load went out at the same time

# Here comes Mousecat

# He's got his dungarees on They're his favourite

# Not his work ones

# The ones he wears when he goes out for social occasions

# How come when men do the washing up

# They always leave one thing at the end?

# Just noticin' stuff, Mousecat

# Noticin' stuff from his own life, Mousecat

# His life's like... #

ONE!

But maybe this year's show can best be summed up by Tom,

who works in the City.

I suppose people watch Buzzcocks

because it's a bit of a habit for them.

You know it's been around for 15 years, I don't know, you tell me.

15 years...so I'm sure they've got it on series link on their Sky Plus

and it just happens to be on when nothing else is on.

You might as well flick to it and watch Buzzcocks.

-His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

-That's Eminem.

Vomit on his sweater already, mum's spaghetti.

JACK RAPS

True or false, Britney Spears said,

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"

-True.

-It is true. True or false, Kane West said...

-KANE West?

LAUGHTER

I'M 44!

Don't want to be an American idiot.

THRASH GUITAR

True or false, George Michael said,

"Honestly, you're going to have to wet that before you put it in."

No, true or false...

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

-# I believe... #

-I can fly.

No, it's the children are the future by Whitney Houston.

The Greatest Love Of All. Again...

-# I believe... #

-I can fly.

No, same one. The children are our future.

Comte po cappi ci tivio bene.

That is Italian?

Come on, Nancy. You speak the language of love.

Can you try it again?

Try it in a more Italian accent. Maybe that will urge her.

Comte po cappi

ci tivo bene!

I've got a boner!

True or false, Britney Spears said, "I never really wanted to go to

"Japan, simply because I don't like eating fish

"and I know that's very popular out there in Africa."

-True.

-It's true.

Britney Spears said...

Britney Spears said, "There's no I in celebrity."

True. She's an idiot!

-We've gone to Deadlock.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

It's now down to this final question to decide who is tonight's winner.

-NOEL:

-Oh, my God.

Fastest finger... fastest finger with the right answer,

not just whoever has the fastest finger!

After I retired as a solo star,

I auditioned for a film role in Last Action Hero, which I didn't get.

-Is it the guy from Wham?

-No, it's not the guy from Wham.

Me and a couple man rollin' in a whip....

-Sounds like something N-Dubz would've done.

-HE SINGS

-PHILL:

-Did you say it sounds like something N-Dubz would've done?

Rollin' in the whip.

Rollin' without a G. Rollin'! In a whip.

"It's met a pretty young lady, or should I say a bitch?"

Fazer!

That's N-Dubz, I Need You!

I am medium height, nearly five foot ten.

Ed Sheeran.

No, you need to buzz.

BUZZER

-Yes?

-Ed Sheeran.

-No.

-Read them quicker.

-Make me beg for more, climbing up the walls.

-Is this one of yours?

-Yeah, can't remember the next line.

-What? Trying to remember?

-You wrote it.

-I can't. You're stressing me out.

What are the words? What are the words?

-No-one puts it down like me?

-No.

I am drinking buddies with Matt Goss, Adam Ant and Tony Hadley.

BELL RINGS

-Go on.

-Was it Rick Astley?

-That's correct.

CHEERING

So there you have it.

Together, we've gone on a journey of Buzzcocks discovery,

remembering our memories and learning just how important

the show has been to you and your lives.

It's probably the best game show on TV

and it's interesting as it's related to the popular music business.

Yes, I do think Buzzcocks is too into its music.

Maybe it should branch out to be a bit more, well, funnier.

You watch it and it's changed and it's good in parts.

There's other parts you think,

what's happening here, but it's just something that you always get

at least a couple of real big laughs out of and it's worth watching,

you know, for the odd moment and the bits that you really enjoy.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks

and I have been the voice of Simon Callow. Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd