Episode 13 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome to a very Christmassy Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Phill and Noel, please reveal the Buzzcocks Christmas host.

It's Bob Mortimer.

CHEERING

# Lock up your pigeon

# Tranquillise your wife

# Cos Christmas time is here

# Pull up your pantyhose nice and tight

# I'm your Buzzcocks host tonight

# So jump down to Aldi

# Buy a box of vodka

# Cos Christmas time is here

# Yah! #

CHEERING

Welcome to Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks.

I'm Bob Mortimer and, look, there was a Christmas joke

and a Christmas fact in the Christmas cracker.

Phill, would you like to hear the joke

or would you like to hear the fact?

-Fact, please, Bob.

-Fact. Wow, who'd have known?

Professor Brian Cox is so clever

he doesn't need to wear 3-D glasses to watch a 3-D film.

LAUGHTER

So that leaves you with the joke, Noel.

-OK.

-What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?

I don't know.

We are both lawyers.

LAUGHTER

Oh, those Christmas crackers and their ways.

On Phill's team tonight...

..is a Spice Girl who has

31 tattoos on her body.

Mind you, she is from Liverpool, so some of those may just be graffiti.

It's Melanie C.

APPLAUSE

And an actor who plays a werewolf in Being Human.

If you don't know what a werewolf is, imagine

if Justin Lee Collins only behaved like that once a month.

It's Russell Tovey.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team...

..is not only a leading dubstep producer

but also my favourite Glade plug-in.

It's DJ Fresh.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian who is set

to appear in Noel's sketch show.

Be careful, you don't want to be typecast as a jazz-playing turtle.

It's Joey Page.

APPLAUSE

-Russell, you've been in the sitcom Him And Her.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And you've been in Being Human.

-That's right.

-History Boys and so on.

-Correct.

So I have got to take this opportunity to ask you,

has Nick Knowles ever reared up behind you without you noticing?

Not without me noticing, no.

It's Christmas time. What's your favourite carol?

Favourite carol? I like Little Donkey.

-NOEL:

-I like Little Donkey.

It's a classic, isn't it?

It sort of get a bit funky.

# Little donkey

# Boom-chicka, boom-chicka boom-chicka.

# On a dusty track, dusty track Cha-cha-cha. #

And you play the coconuts.

That's the hooves.

-Yeah.

-It wouldn't be Jesus' hooves, would it?

No. No.

Let's begin with Round One - Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All?

Phill, Melanie C and Russell, take a look at this.

# We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place. #

Yes, it's the conservatively dressed, publicity-shy,

Bajan shrinking violet Rihanna.

That was Rihanna with We Found Love,

but what was she secretly paid £5 million to do?

Was it A) Turn on the Christmas lights?

Was it B) Dress as a sexy Santa's helper?

Or C) Ride a reindeer?

Russell, is that a prop or have you turned into a reindeer?

It's a were-deer.

LAUGHTER

I mean, for her to dress up in some...

-What is it, dress up as a sexy elf? It's not a push, is it?

-Yeah.

Surely the novelty with Rihanna, dressing her up, would be to

dress her up in an unsexy way.

You know, as a Beefeater.

LAUGHTER

I would personally like to see her dressed like a sexy Santa's helper,

riding a reindeer, switching on Christmas lights.

You want to get your money's worth, don't you?

Wouldn't we all? But it's not an option.

-£5 million.

-5 million.

-Easy-peasy.

I mean, I'd do it for a fiver, to be fair.

She needs the money cos she's always on this yacht

and she's always just going round and round the globe.

If I got the £5 million, I would get a boat and just match her

and I'd go around next to it

and every time that she had one of her massive parties on it,

I'd put my pyjamas on and go across and go,

"Do you mind turning it down? I've got work in the morning."

LAUGHTER

-Hasn't she trapped a load of people on a plane at the moment?

-Really?

She ran a competition to go on a plane

and she won't let the people off the plane.

No-one else has heard about this, no?

I've introduced it at far too late a stage.

Look out for it.

LAUGHTER

-RUSSELL:

-Are they still on the plane?

They're on the plane as we speak, yeah.

One person has managed to communicate with the outside world.

The experience sounds terrible.

SHE GIGGLES

-RUSSELL:

-How long has it been going on?

I think it's on the sixth day now

and they're hoping to escape tomorrow, I think.

LAUGHTER

She demands 5 million to let them off the plane.

It's not an option. It's a long shot. Do you want to go for it?

Shall have an answer? What do you think?

Lights, come on.

I'll go with the majority, I'll go with lights.

It's the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

Rihanna was paid an estimated £5 million to

turn on the Christmas lights at a shopping centre in London this year.

5 million may seem a lot, but she's got to go up into the loft, find

the box, untangle them and there's always one that doesn't work.

Isn't there, though? Isn't there? Isn't there?

Noel, DJ Fresh and Joey, have a look at this.

# Well, I'm just a modern guy... #

Yes, it's old scrotum face himself, Iggy Pop.

That was Iggy Pop with Lust For Life, but which of the following did

Iggy demand that he have backstage at one of his gigs?

Was it A) A snow machine?

B) Seven dwarves?

Or C) A partridge in a pear tree?

None of these things are really that Christmassy, though, are they?

Snow can happen at any time.

Joey, that's a partridge in a pear tree.

LAUGHTER

Did your mum just black the windows out at Christmas?

And go "There's nothing happening, Joey, just go to sleep."

LAUGHTER

Why would you have a snow machine in your dressing room?

-I don't know.

-Can I get in front of it?

Oh, DJ Fresh!

It's always the same faces, isn't it, messing about?

LAUGHTER

Do you have a rider, DJ Fresh?

Just like crisps and sandwiches and stuff. Simple stuff, yeah.

What sort of crisps? Hula Hoops?

Salt and vinegar.

This rider you had, did you write it down when you were nine years old

and you've never bothered to update it?

-What happens to the others?

-What others?

-You know, the roast chicken.

-It doesn't work, does it, roast chicken?

-It's just doesn't, does it?

Well, now and then, if you're a bit ill.

What about the Spice Girls with riders, Mel?

We didn't have anything.

Scotch eggs for Mel B?

Scotch eggs.

-NOEL:

-What about you, Joey?

I've only ever had a dressing room once.

I went backstage and I came back out and my dad was like,

"Where have you been?" I was like...

Sorry, for that section of the audience it's like

that tree's telling the story.

LAUGHTER

So I went backstage and I came back and my dad was like,

"Where have you been?" I said, "In my dressing room."

He's like, "You've got a dressing room?"

And I was like, "Yeah." And he went, "Stick my coat in it."

LAUGHTER

I want an answer. I need an answer. I'm even going to have to say...

-HE MIMES:

-# Come on! #

LAUGHTER

# Come on! #

# Yeah! #

LAUGHTER

Come on, Noel's team, let's have an answer.

I reckon it's the dwarves. He probably likes dwarves.

-That's your answer, the dwarves?

-Yeah.

The dwarves is the right answer.

APPLAUSE

Iggy Pop asked gig organisers for seven dwarves to be backstage.

Iggy Pop was recently voted the worst celebrity face in the world.

If you're wondering what Iggy Pop looks like these days,

just imagine Carol McGiffin with a puncture.

LAUGHTER

And at the end of that round,

Phill's team have 1 and Noel's team have 1.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming, Mel.

What a privilege to be sat next to you.

-Have you ever been to Posh's house?

-Yes, I have.

-How posh is it?

Has it got dimmer switches?

Yeah. Dimmer switches in every room.

When you were the Spice Girls, if you had actually been

named after spices, I suppose, you would have been nutmeg, yeah?

-Why is that?

-Because you're kind of hard, aren't you?

I think that's a misconception about me.

-Now I've met you, I feel terrible for saying that.

-I'm soft.

I suppose Baby would have been vanilla

cos it's kind of bland.

No!

All right, well, let's call her garlic, cos she's bulbous. No?

I suppose Mel B would have been cumin

because she's a mucky bastard, isn't she?

-That is fitting.

-Fair enough, innit?

-Fair play.

Thank you, it's a privilege to have you here.

So just to set the scene for the next round, I'd like you all

to imagine a naked Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs,

squatting down on a supporting beam,

and gently lowering his bollocks onto a Pepperami.

He then says, "Imagine waking up to this view every morning."

Because it's time now for a real Christmas cracker,

it's the Intros Round.

Phill and Melanie C, here are yours for Russell.

Right.

# Jing, jing, jing...

# Ding ding ding ding

# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dow-dow dow-dow...

# Ding ding ding ding

# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dow-dow dow-dow

# Ding ding ding ding

# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dow-dow dow-dow

# Ding ding ding ding

# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dum-dum dow-dow. #

-Nope, no idea what that is.

-Noel?

-I know.

My mum and dad are in, my mum and dad will be furious with me if I don't get this.

-OK, so what is it?

-It's Thin Lizzy, Whiskey In A Jar.

He's right, you know, and here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

# As I was going... #

So the next one please, Phill and Melanie.

One, two, three, two, two, three.

BOTH: # Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga

# Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga

# Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga

# Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga

# Dahhh dah-dah-dahhh dah-dah-dahhh... #

RUSSELL JOINS IN

RUSSELL CONTINUES SINGING SONG

Ohhh!

# Dahhh dah-dah-dahhh dah-dah... # Everybody, come on!

# Drink, drink, drink your beer... #

I don't know the next bit, though, I can't get to it!

Do you think if you changed into a wolf, you could get it?

-No, probably not.

-Any ideas over there? This one is Christmassy.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-Is it Cliff Richard?

-Ohhh!

-Is it Cliff Richard?

-Saviour's Day?

I'm going to give it to Russell.

-It's Saviour's Day, innit?

-What?!

-Saviour's Day, Cliff Richard.

And here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

# Now we have been through... #

-I wrote that song, Bob.

-Did you? Why?

I've got an announcement just in, folks, sorry and all that.

Just an announcement.

DCI Falafel of the Poppadom Squad

will be appearing at the next motion sickness conference in Hull.

Tickets from Calypso Ken at Roadchef.

Sorry, it's just an announcement I had to make before I announce,

Noel and DJ Fresh, here are yours for Joey.

Off you go.

Oh, Poppadom Squad. Are you all right, are you alive?

-Do you want your mummy?

-I'm just a bit worried.

What do you mean?

That you slightly fancy me?

I'm like your mad auntie. "All right, Joey, have a wine, come on!"

You look like Fenella Fielding molesting a young George Cole.

-I don't know who that is.

-George Cole? Cheryl Cole's dad.

Oh, is it? Cool.

-Did you say Cheryl Cole's dead?

-Dad.

-Oh, dead, sorry. Wishful thinking.

-GROANING

-It's a joke!

It's a comedy show! "Ooh, don't say that!"

He loved it, though.

# Byuw-ni-nyuw-ni-nyuw ni-nyuw ni-nyuw-nyuw

BOTH: # Ooh, cha, boom-boom cha Ooh, cha, boom-boom cha... #

'Yeahhhh!'

-Is it Footloose?

-It sounded like it, but it isn't.

# Byuw-ni-nyuw-ni-nyuw ni-nyuw ni-nyuw-nyuw

# Boom-cha, boom-boom cha Ooh, cha, boom-boom cha... #

'Come on!

Maybe just focus on the beginning bit.

-That's what I was focusing on.

-# Biiiiyoo! #

-Is it Cheryl Cole?

-Mmmm...

-Ahhhh!

-Is it Girls Aloud?

Yeah.

Is it one of their songs?

As opposed to one of their collages?

-No, sorry.

-Then I will have to offer it over.

-Sound Of The Underground by Girls Aloud.

-That is the correct answer.

And here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

It's quite a good tune. Take it all back.

Got a lot of drum and bass in it.

# Disco dancing with the lights down low... #

Good tune. Apart from that bit where they start singing.

-Next one please, Noel and DJ Fresh.

-"Bah bah bah!"

-Yeah?

-Yeah, yeah.

HE BURBLES

# Maaaa la la la la

-# Whooooa, boohhh ba-da... #

-HE BURBLES

That's the wrong one.

HE BURBLES

-# Um-ah, um-ah, um-ah

-Beow, beow, beow

-# Um-ah, um-ah, um-ah, um-ah, um-ah

-Beow, beow, beow

# Um-ah, um-ah, um-ah, um-ah... #

Is it the Scissor Sisters?

Are we allowed to give him clues?

NOEL BURBLES

It sounds like a lot of songs, like someone's trying to tune the radio.

If it's any help, Joey, it doesn't sound anything like it.

-I'm having a nightmare, I don't know.

-A nightmare. Phill?

-No.

-No.

-No.

Done a good job there, Noel.

It was in fact Teletubbies Say Eh-oh.

And here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's all there, Joey!

Why didn't one of you go... # Ding-di-ding-ding! #

Because that's the bit where you sing.

But it was a xylophone, not a voice.

When we were practising, they said, "If you do that,

"we'll cut your hands off and you'll have hooks."

-Now I understand. Whoo, harsh!

-And I don't want to have hooks.

-Why didn't you tell me what was going on?

-What do you mean?

-If they're bullying you...

-Oh, you look like you could really help!

What are you going to do, rinse a flannel out on top of them?

So that was Teletubbies with Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh.

A Christmas number two in 1997.

The Teletubbies famously all had TVs in their stomachs.

On one wild tour, they threw Tinky Winky out of a hotel window.

We also heard Girls Aloud with Sound Of The Underground,

a Christmas number one in 2002.

Louis Walsh has taken a swipe at Girls Aloud after their comeback.

Well, you know what Louis's like. He's never liked girls.

Aloud.

So that means at the end of that round,

Noel's team have one, and Phill's team have four.

APPLAUSE

DJ Fresh, thanks for coming.

The main thing when listening to you, it's the hooks.

The number of hooks you get into your music.

Then I realise you had Abu Hamza on keyboard.

Who's your nemesis, then?

Is it MC Sell-by?

I thought you were going to say MC Hammer for a minute.

-Well, he's everyone's nemesis, isn't he?

-Who's your nemesis, Bob?

He's called Mogatron.

He was in Middlesbrough one week, and he was going round the town,

saying "I'll kick this chrome ball against your Town Hall."

"And your fire engines aren't safe." I says, shit, this is my nemesis.

I'd gone off on me BMX. I'm not stupid.

You'd like me to move on?

Honesty, I feel like an aqueduct on viaduct day.

Time now for the Identity Parade.

Phill's team, how about a Christmas pop classic?

For the audience only, here is Wham!

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# But the very next day You gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special... #

That was Wham! with Last Christmas.

But which of our line-up is Kathy Hill who,

in the video for Last Christmas,

got caught up in a love triangle with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley?

Is it number one, Last Christmas?

Number two, last chance?

Number three, lasts all night?

Number four, last of the summer wine?

Or number five, last night a DJ saved my life?

-Phill.

-Ooh!

-For a start, how cool is that, to have been in that video?

-That's true.

-Meh...

-What were they, they were in a ski lodge. It was a love triangle.

-Yeah.

-There were some crazy jumpers, weren't there?

-Yeah, great jumpers.

Kathy?

-Nicely tried.

-Ooh! I think I know.

-Do you?

-Got a little reaction off someone.

You got a little reaction off me, I'm not Kathy.

-I'm drawn to number five for some reason.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-I'm drawn to number one.

-Isn't that funny. I'm drawn to Kathy, number one.

-I

-don't think number three looks old enough.

-What are you making of number two?

-Love number two.

Number two's got the most '80s hair.

That is true.

There's only one of them not doing the cowboy hooked finger-thumb thing.

I don't know if there's anything in that.

Are you looking for Andrew Ridgeley or are you looking for the girl?

-The girl.

-Sorry. I was playing a different game.

-PHIL:

-Joey, in a very real sense, we're all looking for Andrew Ridgeley.

I like number one. I'd like her to be in my pop video.

We're not asking whether you'd like...

-I think it's number one.

-You do as well?

-I'm drawn to number one.

-What do you think?

-I can go for number one.

-Number one, please. Bob.

-Yeah? Well, let's find out.

-Would the real Kathy Hill please step forward?

-Come on.

GROANING

-That's Kathy there. Did you know about George then?

-No.

-Do you still see either of them?

-No.

-Not even a Christmas card from them?

-No.

-Pricks.

Still finding success as a model, ladies and gentlemen,

it's Kathy Hill.

APPLAUSE

Now, Noel, DJ Fresh and Joey,

how about a little snow-based, hot choirboy action?

It's The Snowman.

# We're walking in the air

# We're dancing In the midnight sky... #

That was Aled Jones singing Walking In The Air

from the kids' film The Snowman.

But which of our line-up is Peter Auty who was the original boy

who actually sang the song Walking In The Air in the film

before choirboy Aled Jones ruthlessly turned up and released

his own version which became a hit single, therefore taking

all the glory, gaining worldwide success

and huge wealth off the back of it?

Is it number one with his face like a haunted dance school?

Is it number two with his face like an abandoned shit farm?

Is it number three with his face like a grieving pug?

Is it number four with his face like a bag of nowt?

Or number five with his face like Aled Jones's soapy bollocks?

Noel.

Number one, I mean, seriously?

Imagine him coming down at you...

..with his parsnip penis.

What's number two building in that stomach?

I hope it's number five cos he's the kind of person, you go to him

and he'd just go, "Aarghhh!"

-Why aren't you liking four?

-RUSSELL:

-Yeah, I'm thinking four. That was my first...

-NOEL:

-Really? I'm getting bad vibes off number four.

-I think it's number three because

he looks quite innocent, like he would be a choirboy,

but he also looks like the evil one in an office that would eat

all the orange creams out of the Quality Street and then just leave all the shit ones.

Didn't Aled Jones used to wear something

exactly like that in the video?

He might just be wearing that cos he's depressed.

-You reckon it's number three?

-Yeah, it's got to be.

DJ Fresh thinks it's three. Joey thinks it's three.

-I'll go with my teammates. Number three.

-Let's find out.

Would the real Peter Auty please step forward?

GROANING

Who do you think sang it better, Peter? You or Aled?

I did, obviously.

I like his version a lot, but it wasn't as good as mine, no.

-Do you still sing?

-I do sing. Yeah, I'm an opera singer.

-Are you?!

-Yeah.

Would you sing us a bit of Spice Girls?

No.

-Sorry.

-Is Aled...

Are his cheeks really that red or does he draw them on?

-I've never met Aled Jones.

-You've never met him?

-No.

If you did meet him, would you kick the shit out of him?

I don't know. I...

LAUGHTER

Peter, this camouflage around the neck, have you got like a big goitre

-filled with sex wasps or something?

-Yeah(!)

-No?

Oh, dear. Well, Peter, thank you so much.

Now singing opera to a professional standard,

ladies and gentlemen, Peter Auty.

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, Noel's team have one,

and Phil's team, you have four.

It's Christmas, Joey. If I could give you a Christmas wish which was

you can fry anything in a frying pan...

I would fry a revolver, like most people. What would you fry?

-Stephen Fry.

-You'd fry him up?

Cos then he'd be double-fried Stephen Fry.

-So crispy.

-Fry squared.

So, we end with a Christmas edition of Next Lines.

Phil's team, you're in the lead, so you get to go first.

And your time, hold on, starts...

now.

The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay...

# And the bells were ringing out on Christmas Day. #

Correct. The Pogues. Fairytale Of New York.

Be a little wiser, baby. Put it on. Put it on.

# Cos tonight is the night

# When two become one. #

Spice Girls. Two become one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.

Cos it's baking.

# The greatest gift They'll get this year is life... #

That's right. Band Aid. Do They Know It's Christmas?

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

Eight maids a-milking.

-Is correct answer from The 12 Days of Christmas.

-Yes!

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.

The whore.

-Underneath the mistletoe.

-Last night.

Last night is correct, Mel. Tommie Connor.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.

That's it. Noel's team, you need six points to win.

-Your time starts...

-That's not going to happen.

..now. Long time ago in Bethlehem so the Holy Bible said.

# Little donkey

# Carried Mary

# From a dusty track

# Dusty track. #

Mary's boy child Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day.

That's Boney M, Mary's Boy Child.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

# 24 people... #

LAUGHTER

It's 12 something.

# 12...submarines.

# 12 dungarees.

12 dungarees?!

-12 drummers drumming.

-Argh. That's close. It was a D.

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need.

# Stationery. #

LAUGHTER

Joey, please, come on. We're really losing.

'Come on!'

'Come on!'

'Come on!'

'Yeah!'

Book tokens are always handy.

No. I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

"Maria" Carey. All I Want For Christmas Is You.

Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day.

# 12 dungarees. #

# For human beings. #

When the kids start singing and the band begins to play.

Wizard. I wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day.

So, the final scores are Noel's team have two points,

but Phil's team are tonight's winners with six.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, that's tonight's show.

Thanks to Phil, Melanie C and Russell Tovey,

Noel, DJ Fresh and Joey Page.

This has been Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks.

I've been Bob Mortimer. And as you enjoy the credits roll,

we're going to have a massive snowball fight with the audience.

Good night and merry Christmas.

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile

# On somebody's face

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas

# Every day

# When the kids start singing

# And the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd