Christmas Show Never Mind the Buzzcocks

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to a very Christmassy Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Please welcome your Buzzcocks Christmas host, Johnny Vegas!

# We're walking in the air

# We're floating in the moonlit sky

# The people far below... #

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I'm Johnny Vegas.

On Phill's team tonight...

He's the ex-Westlife singer who left Australia

because there was no pub culture.

Well, I must have been to a different Australia,

because there was loads of pubs. No culture, but loads of pubs.

It's Brian McFadden from Westlife.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who says in her stand-up

that she believes she's immortal and controls the universe.

If that's the case, what the fuck are you doing on this shit?

It's Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

I drank more of that than I intended. And on Noel's team...

He's a member of electronic music quartet Rudimental,

although you're not allowed to call 'em that any more -

you have to say Rudi-bipolar.

From Rudimental or Rudi-bipolar, it's DJ Locksmith.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an award-winning actress and writer who,

at a recent award ceremony, used the F word

17 times in three minutes.

I did the same thing the other night

when I came home late, begging for sex.

The next-door neighbour used it even more to get me out of her house.

It's Jessica Hynes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the teams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Johnny, be a unicorn.

Best Christmas for Noel, ever.

I can grant you three wishes,

but living through the night is not one of them.

They lowered us on to a fire.

You know when the set designers

don't talk to the costume department...

"We're going to dress him as a snowman and lower him down."

"Well, that's funny, cos we're going to put a fire in front of him."

Right, before we start, it's that time of year

and I thought I'd ask you some Christmas questions

just to get us in the mood.

Right, here we go. DJ Locksmith, sprouts or parsnips?

Parsnips.

Christmas pudding - cream or custard?

-Custard all day long.

-Cream.

-Cream.

-Come on.

-Cream.

-Custard.

Turkey - white or dark meat?

I don't know what the difference is, really.

It's all just chicken, isn't it?

We're playing the vegan joker.

Oh, don't. I didn't want to say.

If I say I'm a vegan, I look like I'm a really non-fun person.

I have fun.

Hummus. We're playing hummus.

-Do you enjoy nut loaf?

-No, I just have roast potatoes.

Just roast potatoes.

I really like roast potatoes, and I dip them in hummus.

My mum would drag you in the back yard and kick you for that.

All right, I'm guessing that your Christmas invites

are going to be pretty thin on the ground this year.

More roast potatoes and hummus for me, then.

That's probably the worst question to ask us as well, cos she's a vegan

and clearly, Phill and I would eat the bird with the feathers on it.

Would you rather eat a turkey or punch a squid in the face?

So if the squid is living in its own habitat in the sea,

I'd punch the squid.

You know what? I knew I could turn this show into some kind of Newsnight.

Trying to get off with your second cousin or your brother's wife?

-It's allowed, second cousin.

-Is it?

-I'm texting my cousin.

-I've seen your cousin.

-Hot.

He is.

Piss yourself on the sofa or hold it in till you go to bed?

I'll go with sofa, cos I can blame the dog.

All right, cry in front of your family or alone?

Alone, it's Christmas.

Well, you could - I don't know - break into a stranger's house,

cry in front of them.

At least they pretend to care. Don't they, Mum?

Not that you're watching, cos you're at the fucking bingo!

# Where is love? #

Right. We begin with All I Want For Christmas.

Phill and Brian from - we have to clear this up - Westlife.

-Yeah.

-People do get it confused.

I'm not taking the piss - people do get it confused.

-I know, I thought you were Peter Kay when you flew in first.

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

You're stabbing me with a carrot, man.

Anyway, Phill, Brian from Westlife and Sara, take a look at this.

MUSIC: "Mistletoe And Wine" by Cliff Richard

-# Christmas time

-Silent night

-# Mistletoe and wine

-Holy night

# Children singing Christian rhyme... #

Surprisingly, given his age,

it's one of the few cliffs in this country

that isn't crumbling into the sea. It's Cliff Richard.

# In the good that we see... #

That was Cliff Richard with Mistletoe And Wine,

but how has he annoyed One Direction this Christmas?

Did he join?

Is it A - he asked them to play elves in his new Christmas video?

B - he got drunk and threw a fake snowball

at Harry Styles' head at a Christmas charity fundraiser?

Or was it C - his Christmas mug

is outselling One Direction's Christmas mug?

It's not the snowballs, because if Cliff...

If anybody threw anything at Harry Styles' head,

-they'd probably be dead now with the security they have.

-Really?

That does look like it was removed from my arse a short while ago

with a snowman doctor going, "It's OK, they're benign."

LAUGHTER SARA: A snowman doctor!

Cliff Richard's people, they drink tea. Let's be honest -

his audience are more the mug drinkers than their audience.

-They definitely drink tea.

-One Direction people,

they drink, like, Bacardi Breezer out of a shoe kind of thing.

I think you'll find that they have Ribena out of a box.

-NOEL:

-Milk out of a nipple.

SARA: I like that pose. I want that pose.

To me, it says, "Beverage?"

You're the tea-bag man - you'd know. What's going on with that?

I think Cliff wants to know me, and I want the other four just out of my house before the police arrive.

There's five of them.

Yeah, well, you've got to keep one in the basement, haven't you?

-Anyway...

-We think it's this one.

-Yeah.

-The mugs.

-The mugs, yes.

-Which is correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cliff Richard mugs have been outselling One Direction's mugs

in the Christmas sales.

Over 10,000 festive mugs have been sold this year.

It's going to be a hell of a Christmas at Huey's house.

"Why do you keep feeding me the same goddamn lines?"

"I just said, 'Happy Christmas.' "

Noel, DJ Locksmith and Jessica, have a look at this.

MUSIC: "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie

# We're gonna have a party

# All night long

# All night

# All night long... #

That's right - if you're over 30,

it's the voice you were almost certainly conceived to.

It's Lionel Richie.

# All night long... #

That was Lionel Richie with All Night Long,

but what did Lionel buy for himself for Christmas this year?

Was it A - a plot of land on the moon?

Was it B - a fleet of cars?

Or was it C - a knighthood?

Is this a fleet of cars?

It just looks like a scene from Midnight Express.

LAUGHTER

This is like week one in Marcel Marceau's training college.

And now without the glass.

LAUGHTER

That's like the oldest football in the world, isn't it?

I actually thought it looked like Ainsley Harriott.

Jessica looks like she's waiting for a really rough owl to arrive.

Oh! Land on me, Jessie! Come on.

-Can we get the fire brigade on stand-by?

-So there we go.

-Wow.

-The problem is, I just feel like Lady Gaga.

Call me kinky, but I definitely would.

I would 100%.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, I'm going to have to pres you for an answer.

The window. The window!

-Not a window, it's a fleet of cars.

-The fleet of cars!

-The fleet of cars.

-Course it is.

Last Christmas, Lionel bought himself

a fleet of seven Mercedes cars.

One of Lionel's most famous songs is a duet with Diana Ross -

Endless Love.

I don't know about you, I don't have time for endless love.

That's one of them - I promised I'd write summat, and I didn't.

Kids who want to get into comedy think it all comes out your head.

It doesn't. It's sitting on a train, being spat at with a Biro.

Anyway, at the end of that round,

Noel's team have one and Phill's team have one.

Right. Time now for the Christmassy edition of the Intros Round. No-el!

LAUGHTER

It's a Christmas show, not Noel.

# No-el! #

DJ Locks!

Coming at you with a Yale.

-OK, you know which one we're doing first.

-Yeah, I've got it.

I'm going to get up, because this outfit needs showing off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-OK, so you're ready, yeah?

-I'm good.

NOEL HUMS

HE WHISTLES

HE CAWS

-Know it. Sara knows it.

-I have to say, that was good.

-That was really good.

-That's it, a DJ and a raven.

I know it, but I just don't know what it's called.

I'm going to offer it over.

Is it When A Child Is Born?

Sara is right. It's When A Child Is Born by Johnny Mathis.

Let's hear how it should have sounded.

TRACK PLAYS

You're so good, you're so good. You're good.

Come on, that was pretty close.

It was me.

I'm the weak link in this chain.

This is the point where my mum would drop a quiche and wet herself.

HE CAWS

Right, OK. Now, number two.

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-ba-ba-ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king

-# Ba-boom

-Ka-king... #

HE LAUGHS

I got into that a bit too much there.

Oh, come on.

It's like the sexiest Christmas song you could ever have.

Santa kissing Santa or something like that?

Oh! You sicko!

LAUGHTER

Santa kissing Santa. Sorry, I'm going to have to hand it over.

-I'm guessing the vegan's got it.

-Santa Baby - that's what I meant.

-Santa Baby - I know that's what you meant.

-Vegan's on fire.

She's so good at this.

Red meat's slowing us down. The vegan's on fire.

The vegan, just nipping through the air molecules.

Woo! Santa Baby!

Woo!

Yeah, all that broccoli!

It was Eartha Kitt, Santa Baby.

Let's hear how it should have sounded.

TRACK PLAYS

# Santa, baby... #

Wow, Eartha Kitt's got a sexy voice.

She's beautiful.

My dad had a thing for Eartha Kitt,

but he always pulled that face where he went...

You know your dad's going...

"You're of that age... Eartha Kitt."

You don't know whether he's having a stroke or he's just going...

So that was Eartha Kitt with Santa Baby.

Eartha Kitt played Catwoman in the TV series of Batman.

She took her role very seriously and was often seen

sitting around licking her arse and shitting in flowerpots.

I don't like that one. I just don't find that funny, as a snowman.

-As a snowman?

-Or just a man...

# Trying to make his way in the world today

# Takes everything you've got

# Taking a break from all your worries... #

LAUGHTER

"Hey, Norm. Hey, you the post guy!

"Taken to Jessie like an elf.

"Or an owl!"

"Sure good to have you here in Bos..." I'm losing it now.

Anyway, Phill and Brian from Westlife, here are yours for Sara.

OK. The title of the song, we're after.

THEY IMITATE JAUNTY PIANO

-Driving Home For Christmas.

-Yes!

It's correct. What gave it away? Was it Phill doing that?

I was pleasuring two lorry drivers!

That's correct. It was Chris Rea, Driving Home For Christmas.

Now let's hear how it should have sounded.

TRACK PLAYS

It's very dangerous when you're actually driving.

# Driving home for Christmas... #

Go on, go on. I dare you. Do an impression of Ronan.

-AS RONAN KEATING:

-# It's amazing how you

# Can speak right to my heart. #

-CHEERING

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

God bless you.

Come on.

# Da da da da da da, da da da... #

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. He's not getting it.

You do the intro, so...

Just think of my face as cymbals.

Right, OK.

-Go for it.

-Play me like a set of drums.

Phill, what you did was brilliant.

PHILL HUMS

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Aarghh!

# Christmas Welcome to Christmas... #

You were just hitting a fat bloke, then.

-Have you guessed it?

-Yeah, the Christmas song. Welcome to Christmas.

Have a nice Christmas. Step up to Christmas.

Yeah, we can allow that.

CHEERING

That was Elton John, Step Into Christmas.

-Let's hear how it should have heard.

-LAUGHTER

TRACK PLAYS

I don't know this song.

Ow! Ow!

# Welcome to my Christmas song... #

So that was Elton John, with Step Into Christmas.

Elton John says that Step Into Christmas

was written as a thank-you card for his fans.

He's very similar to Moonpig, in that he looks like Moonpig.

Last year Elton John had a go at Madonna,

calling her a fairground stripper,

but after a multi-million-pound settlement, he had to pay out

an absolute fortune to loads of fairground strippers.

We also heard Chris Rea and... No, it's not homophobic, cos it's true.

He knows nothing about going! He's never been to one.

He's never been on one of them roundy slide things,

and never come off the bottom

without feeling like his impulses were different.

We also heard Chris Rea, Driving Home For Christmas.

Driving Home For Christmas has been re-released 2007, 2008, 2009,

2011, 2012.

It's a lot of driving around aimlessly, Chris.

I'm guessing your wife kept moving and not telling you the new address.

He's just writing stuff down that he sees.

Anyway, at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point

and Phill's team have five.

CHEERING

Time now for the Identity Parade.

Phill, Brian from Westlife and Sara,

how about a haunting Christmas a cappella song?

For the audience here, they're The Flying Pickets.

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew

# Only you... #

That was The Flying Pickets with Only You.

But which one of our line-up singers is Stripe from the group?

Is it number one, only you?

Number two, only me?

Number three, only child?

Number four, only here for the money?

Or number five, only here for pussy?

LAUGHTER

-I think it's number one.

-Why do you think that?

Because four of them are paid actors

and when you said the joke about pussy, none of them moved, except number one had a giggle.

Look at him now.

He's trying to look like he's not listening, but you are.

Remember that chat we had before the show?

Remember when the snowman whispered in your ear?

I know who it is, so you two can have a chuckle.

How do you know who it is?

Cos I used to gig around about the same time.

You think it's number one because of the laughing,

-I think it's number five.

-What number do you think it is?

-Don't cheat.

Daddy's not helping.

-We have to do this on our own.

-"Daddy's not helping"?!

-Now I'm thinking it's four.

-You think it's four now.

Now I'm thinking it's four.

-Come on, you two, pick one.

-OK, four.

Four, you want to go four? We'll go four.

Right. Well, let's find out. Would the real Stripe please step forward?

Yay!

Now, believe it or not, acting in zombie films and available for new roles.

Stripe, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, Noel's team. How about some novelty Christmas cringe-o pop?

For the audience only, it's ex-Big Brother contestant

turned celebrity handyman Craig Phillips

with At This Time Of Year.

# At this time of year

# Friends and lovers should be near

# Share the laughter and the tears

# For the days that now are gone

# At this time of year

# Hear the bells ring out so clear... #

That was Craig Phillips with At This Time Of Year,

but which one of our line-up is Craig Phillips?

Is it number one, big brother?

Is it number two, little sister?

Number three, daddy-longlegs?

Number four, weird cousin?

Or number five, Uncle's little secret?

Do we have to kind of make some jokes, cos I know who it is?

-We all know who it is. It was about eight minutes ago.

-I know.

It's obviously number two.

He's got that Robbie Williams grin, hasn't he?

Let's peel his flesh off and women can skate around him...

..while we've got the opportunity.

He looks the same, he's never gone away, it was only two weeks ago.

It's number four.

-All right, so I need to push you for an answer.

-It's number two.

It's two. Two, two, two.

You've been dancing around this long enough. "Oh, is it two?

"It's probably two. It could be two. It might be two."

And I'm just not very good at listening.

-What was the number again?

-TWO!

Number three, please step forward.

All right, let's find out.

Will the real Craig Phillips please not even bother?

Please, step forward.

CHEERING

Still on TV as a celebrity handyman

and endorsing loads of really good DIY products, not the rubbish ones.

Craig Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.

At the end of that round, Noel's team...

I'm sounding like one of those WWF wrestlers.

-AS WRESTLER:

-"At the end of that round..."

Noel's team have two and Phill's team have five.

CHEERING

So, Next Lines. Phill's team, you're in the lead, and so you go first.

Your time starts...

-It's this one here, is it?

-Yeah. I've just got to read that bit first. Shut up, you.

Phill's team, you're in the lead so you go first. Your time starts...

-CREW MEMBER:

-You read them out.

-Do

-I

-read them out?

-No.

You're supposed to pull them out and go...

-Oh, yeah, I read them, don't I?

-LAUGHTER

HE MOUTHS

CHEERING

"Yeah, Johnny'll be fine in a snowman outfit.

"It won't slow him down. Let's give him a bottle of booze.

"Let's ask him to host a Christmas show.

"I mean, he really wants to prove that he's broken out of that mould of just being a stupid pisshead.

"Yeah, this'll be a great opportunity for Johnny

"to show off his skills of not listening, not reading

"and not recognising giant silver envelopes."

Thank you, Buzzcocks, thank you so much.

I feel like Bob Cratchit who's had his other leg broke.

"Ho-ho-ho! What do you want for Christmas, little boy?"

"Just to be older and not quite as bitter."

You know what? If you weren't so honest, you could have won this.

It was all there for the taking and you kept sliding the envelope back

like I was some bloke in a car park

trying to offer you money to put my willy where it shouldn't be.

"Hello. Yeah, I am the one from Westlife. Go on. Just put it in me."

Anyway, are we ready?

Your time starts...

Now. Christmas time.

Mistletoe and wine.

Mistletoe And Wine by Cliff Richard.

He's making a list.

-He's checking it out.

-Checking it twice.

Sorry, I've got to take the first answer. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.

Should've been checking it twice. Looking from a window above.

Like a story of love.

Only by you. Er, the Flying Pickets.

Jingle bells, jingle bells.

-Jingle all the way.

-Yeah.

Come, they told me.

Parum-pa-pum-pum.

Yeah, not some hooker.

Little Drummer Boy by Boney M.

He had a broad face and a round little belly.

That's why they let him host.

LAUGHTER

That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, by Perry Como.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Right, so, Noel's team, you need seven points to win.

-Your time starts...

-Wait, wait, wait.

Imagine my head's just not part of my body. Hold my hair.

Noel, your next line is - 'Tis the season to be jolly.

ALL: # La-la la-la-la-la. #

Deck The Halls. At this time of year.

-We all go out.

-Is that it?

Friends and lovers should be near, by Craig Phillips. You just saw him.

Snow is falling all around me.

-# Merry Christmas... #

-Children playing! Oh, shit.

Children playing, having fun. Sorry.

THEY GROAN

Who cares?

All day long we'll be wombling in the snow.

Course we will, because we're the Wombles.

Yeah, OK, you're not going to get it. Wombling Merry Christmas by The Wombles.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

So the final scores are - Noel's team has four,

but Phill's team are the winners with eight.

CHEERING

So that's a big snowman thanks to Phill,

Brian...McFadden, with Westlife,

and Sara Pascoe, the vegan.

Noel, DJ Locksmith and Jessica Hynes.

This has been Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks.

I've been Johnny Vegas.

Now, while you enjoy the credits, why don't you all join me

and kiss me under the mistletoe?

Good night! Merry Christmas!

Ho-ho-ho. Come on!

MUSIC: "Merry Xmas, Everybody" by Slade

# Are you hanging up the stocking on your wall?

# It's the time that every Santa has a ball

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun. #