Episode 12 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

Earlier this year, a story appeared on the worldwide Internet, a claim

by this unnamed man, that he had attended a recording of the popular

music quiz, Never Mind The Buzzcocks. An episode that the BBC

and the programme makers would later deny had ever taken place.

Within hours, the story was removed from the Internet,

and all trace of the unnamed man disappeared.

And the story may have ended there,

had it not been for this piece of muffled audio.

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'welcome to episode 14 of series 27 of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

'Please welcome your host for this, The Legends Of Music Special, it's...

AUDIO DISTORTS AND REWINDS

At this point, the audio becomes inaudible.

You can clearly hear them say, series 27, Buzzcocks,

episode 14, Legends Of Music Special,

but then, according to the BBC, it never happened.

There WAS no episode 14, Legends of music special. But did YOU see it?

When news of the recording came to light,

a flurry of celebrities quickly came forward to deny

they were the host of the missing 14th episode.

But does the missing episode in fact exist?

And if so, why are there no traces of it?

Why does nobody recall actually making it?

And how high does this wall of secrecy go?

Fielding, Jupitus? In the next half-hour,

we'll take you through a journalistic

journey of documentary discovery, looking through the evidence of

series 27, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, in the hunt for the missing episode.

This series of Buzzcocks began much like any other. A mildly amusing

mix of celebrity, music and attempted humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I' Michael Bolton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, before we start, I may not have my trademark hair any more,

but don't worry, ladies, tonight,

I promise I will still be employing both of my trademark moves.

The smouldering Jesus.

# Tell me how I supposed to live without you? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, of course, the pulling down on a rusty Victorian toilet chain.

# How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?

# How can we start over...? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

# My heart won't beat again Won't beat again. #

Well, as you can see,

Aston Merrygold from JLS isn't actually here this evening.

I'll come clean with you, we got a call from his agent

about two hours ago to inform us Aston has been taken ill, so... Aww.

A little bit selfish.

The production team was left in a bit of a pickle

and have been desperately trying to find a replacement.

They've called literally everyone

that has even the remotest link to music, comedians, presenters,

Sugababes, and nothing, nothing came back.

They then said, Jack, do you know anyone?

I said, yes, I know the man that can save the day. He's a true champion.

Well, not exactly a champion, but he won a bronze medal in the

4x400 metre relay in 1992 Barcelona Olympic Games,

a man who couldn't be better suited to a contemporary pop quiz!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Kriss Akabusi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We are the champions, my friends

# And we'll keep on fighting till the end. #

You don't like people using the word dench as well?

-I do like it.

-Well not according to this.

There's a guy called Panjabi MC who tries to use the word to

-promote a club.

-Oh, yes.

This, for me is one of the greatest Twitter spats ever seen.

-Do you remember what you said to him?

-Oh, gosh.

Well, let me remind you. The reason why I like this is just

because the hash tag you use at the end

links in no way to the rest of what you said. He said...

And here's the hash tag.

Hast tag fannys! I just...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I love it.

-Alice Levine, hello.

-Hello!

-So you're presenter?

-Sure, yeah.

-Have you met Tori Amos?

-Oh, no.

Ah. You look a lot like her.

-Right, well, maybe that's why we've never met.

-Because you're her.

-Because I am her.

-Have you met Beyonce?

-No.

-Have you met Elizabeth Taylor?

-No.

-Have you met Princess Diana?

-No.

-What about, like, her ghost? Have you met Kate Middleton?

-No.

-What about the new one? George?

-The bambino?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You've met him?

-No, sorry, I misheard. No, I haven't. Sorry.

Lesbians, it's not widely known this, no-one likes to say it.

-Are you going to?

-I'm going to say it.

There's not a lot that lesbians can do with each other.

That's why they've built that thing underneath Switzerland,

so they can fire two lesbians so fast that they can finally fuse together.

Because up to this point, they have had to go on the Circle Line

on opposite trains.

Because as you know, the Circle Line doesn't go in a circle, does it?

It goes round in like a slingshot down to Hammersmith,

-so what's happening is the lesbians are never connecting.

-Yeah.

The only time there is any chance of lesbians connecting is at

Edgware Road.

What's the getting up thing? I don't get up that much.

Basically, you have to sit and kind of concentrate,

because you have to do it all at once.

Because when you get up ahead of each other...

-So, if we say, three, two, one, then we're all going to get up.

-OK.

Right, on one though, yeah?

So, like three, key change is coming, two, one, and we all...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, JL yes or JL no.

Aston is contractually, I'm going to have to say that one slowly.

-I am contractually what?

-Contractually obliged...

Let me do that shit. Aston is, concract...

LAUGHTER

Aston is concract... concract...

Aston has been told he has to fucking backflip every time...!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's play the lightning Bolton round!

-True or false?

-False. LAUGHTER

The slogan maybe it's Maybelline was originally going to be maybe

it's Michael Bolton.

But then I cut my hair. True or false?

# Maybe it's Michael Bolton. #

Sound convincing?

# Maybe it's Michael Bolton. #

Oh, yeah!

CHEERING

Pray silence for Alfie Boe with the Squirrel Ate The Cake.

# The squirrels

-# They ate my cake!

-#

APPLAUSE

P Diddy may have won three Grammys, be the richest figure in hip-hop

and have a vast business empire. But come back to me

when you've got your own show on two British TV channels -

ITV2 and ITV2 plus 1.

Action!

BASSLINE PLAYS

And cut!

Sharon recently threatened to divorce Ozzy...

Argh!

-Get out of the set!

-No, Jack!

Kris, come and do the joke for me.

Oh, my word. OK.

(Sharon recently threatened to divorce Aussie.)

Sharon recently threatened to divorce Aussie.

(As it was revealed he was back on the drink and drugs.)

(As it was revealed he was back on the drink and drugs.)

(Luckily, they've moved on.)

But luckily they've moved on.

-(And Sharon's surgeon...)

-And Sharon's surgeon...

-(..has put a brave face on her.)

-..has put a brave face on her.

Oh!

But soon, the series was clouded in controversy as the story

from the unnamed man was shared between literally

tens of Buzzcocks fans on their computers.

I'm here at the BBC, who are refusing to take part in this programme

but they have issued this statement.

But if that is indeed the case, how do they explain this?

A torn fragment from what appears to be a script of some sort.

Quite clearly, you can see

in the top right-hand corner "RX," or recording,

"14 - TLMS."

Is this a torn fragment from a Buzzcocks script

and could TLMS stand for the Legends of Music Special?

Even more intriguing, on the same page is a reference

to Tub Thumping by Chumbawamba, a song that never appeared in series 27.

Could this be more evidence of a missing episode 14?

And could Tub Thumping have featured in the iconic Intros Round

of the missing episode?

Time now for the Intros Round. Hand over card.

That is the kind of hosting I like!

APPLAUSE

One, two, three, four...

# Djah djah. Woo-ooo!

# Djah, djah! Woo-ooo!

# Bwow, bwow! Wah-wah!

Bond.

Pretend I'm a man.

# Du du du du du du du du

# Du du du du du

# Du du du du du du du du du...

It's not Miley Cyrus.

# Du du du du du du du du

# Du du du du

# Du du du du du du du du... #

I have never felt more uncomfortable in a television studio in my life.

What are they doing?

You just have to go... # Dum dum dum dum dum...

# Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum...

Keep doing that.

# Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum...

# Da da da da

# Da na

# Da da da da da

Quick, one...

# Dum dum dum dum...

# Dum da da da da da

Just... # Dum dum dum dum...

We can do it, for the kids!

# Dum dum dum dum dum dum...

# Da da da da da da

# Dum dum dum dum dum dum...

# Flash, ah!

# He served every universe

Gordon's alive!

I just managed to get him set.

Stop confusing the Ryder!

# Dum dum dum...

Not now. We're done!

# Ba da dum, wah! Ba da dum, wah!

# Ba da dum, wah! Ba da dum, wah!

# Ba da dum, wah! Ba da dum, wah!

# Da da da da da da da da! #

Oh!

APPLAUSE

-This is the worst round ever.

-I know. It's so hard!

You just keep doing the same thing again and again.

If I don't know it the first time, if you do it 36 times, I'm not going

to suddenly go, "Oh! I tell you what this is, it's some Snoop song."

-It's not Snoop!

-I know it's not Snoop!!

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. It's Too Much Lube by Anal Danger.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's not Anal Danger.

Oh, who had money on Bolton saying that tonight?

I want to hear him singing it.

# It's not anal danger # It's anal danger... #

Yeah!

ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Great.

Excellent.

-Keep it going!

-And moving on.

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

# Da da da da da...

Give me a beat. Give me a beat.

THEY BEATBOX

# I wake up, every day is a daydream

# Everything in my life ain't what it seems

# I wake up just to go back to sleep, I act real shallow

# But I'm in too deep, and all I care about is sex and violence

# A heavy bass line is my kind of silence

# Everybody says that I gotta get a grip

# But I let sanity give me the slip. #

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

# Bonkers! #

Thank you. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. It was Kaiser Chefs.

Kaiser...

Kaiser Chefs.

# Everyday I love you less and less

# And I love my chopping board!

# Ooh-ooh!#

# What's that coming over the hill? It is a blender! It is a blender! #

Chris Martin is said to be worried that Gwyneth Paltrow is

starting to annoy people.

Oh, Chris! That ship has sailed, my friend.

In fact, not only has it sailed, it's arrived at port,

docked and allowed its passengers off for a few hours, sightseeing,

on Aloof, Comes Across As A Bit Of A Bitch In Every Interview Island.

Little help from Kenny Loggins with

Playing With The Boys from the film Top Gun.

The song features in the volleyball scene between Maverick

and Goose, recently voted the gayest scene in film history. What?

That was gayer than the sauna scene in Hot Cock And Two Smoking Towels?

Great film, that.

We recently had a Twitter spat with Wiley.

Basically, Wiley reacted angrily to a harmless joke about his single

and it went all a bit... Bit out of hand.

Anyway, it's probably a good idea, while we have this platform,

speaking to the entire nation,

to take the opportunity to apologise wholeheartedly to Wiley.

For any offence caused to him, we really didn't mean to upset you.

I'm joking. Of course I'm joking. But you are insane.

Now, I remember my first threesome in the music biz.

And if the Pet Shop Boys are watching...

I'm going to, er, do that joke for ITV2.

Threesome! Aargh!

During the making of this programme,

I was delighted to be contacted by an attractive woman,

Dannae, who claims to have been booked for the show's famous

ID Parade, as what they call a nonperson, a wrong answer,

on the night of the reported missing 14th episode.

Dannae thinks she has the answer to why the episode, which she

says does exist, so mysteriously went missing.

And most incredible of all, the reason was that the Legends Of

Music special was hosted by someone the world had long thought was dead.

It was definitely him. It was Elvis Presley.

Maybe he's trying to cover up coming back from the dead,

and that's why everyone's trying to hide it. But it was definitely him.

I was close to him. I even filmed him on my phone.

Was this the answer?

Was this grainy footage the proof we were looking for, that there

was, indeed, a missing episode of the show, episode 14,

the Legends Of Music special?

And more than that, that the

King himself had returned from the dead to host the show.

But on closer inspection,

it was revealed that this was just badly shot phone

footage from episode six, Eamonn Holmes, who, for some strange

reason, had come dressed as Elvis for the whole programme.

It confused everybody, nobody more so than Dannae, it seemed.

Ain't No Doubt, Jimmy Nail,

but which of our line-up is vocalist Sylvia Mason-James?

Number five looks really pissed off.

-So I don't think it's her.

-Is that not... That's sexy, isn't it?

-Yes, it is. Not for me, but I think...

-What? Are you mental?

No, just gay, so...

Which one of our line-up is Soul II Soul legend Caron Wheeler?

Is it number one, Back To Life?

Number two, Back To Front?

Number three, Back To The Future?

Number four, Back From The Dead?

Or number five, Back Passage?

-I say number two.

-You're discounting number five, are you?

I don't know about the name Back Passage. It puts me off, always.

Perhaps if this was a special occasion, I might consider it.

Perhaps.

I like number five.

Number five actually looks like you could go out

and have a proper good time. Like, you could proper go out on the town.

Where?! Victorian London?

Sean said he thought "they might put one of the Mondays on.

"I probably wouldn't recognise him."

Most magnificent cheekbones I've ever seen on a human being in my life.

Looks like a mixture of The Scream and Ian Brown.

Number four's lovely.

Looks like he should be on, like, a strong mustard tin.

"Madam, try my mustard." Doesn't it?

Number four looks like a slightly melted Ian Wright.

Tussauds left his waxwork out the back.

Four looks all sad, like he's had a sad life.

And then, just once, at work, he just said something.

He didn't mean it, but he made a racist comment. It was a joke.

It was a joke.

But it was misinterpreted, and then he had to go to a tribunal.

He lost his job.

I was a big fan of Whigfield.

I knew all the dance moves to it. I danced at my school disco.

Show us. Come on!

MUSIC: "Saturday Night" by Whigfield

Oh, I wish I were dead!

Look, I can't fully remember all the moves to it. Was it like that?

MUSIC: "Saturday Night" by Whigfield

So, was the mystery of the missing episode

The Legends of Music Special

nothing more than an elaborate hoax,

possibly made up by the Buzzcocks team themselves?

A shoddy last-minute idea to package up the best bits of the series?

The programme you're watching right now?

After all, they're no strangers to controversy.

I'm Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

I hurt my lower lumbar. You know we'll never get far.

Ride around in a stolen police car, following criminals...

-You all right with that?

-Totally all right with that.

-You look so upset, man.

-No, no, I'm not.

I just thought you guys would do something

-different for a change.

-Ooh!

Not give me my own lyrics over and over.

It's part of the game, Huey!

People sit on the show

and the way you tie in the fact is it's kind of funny.

"Oh, look, it's your own lyrics," you forget them...

-I've been on the show, nine times.

-Shall I make it up, then?

Yeah, just pick some shit.

Pick some shit? Get ready for the next episode.

-Snoop Dogg...

-What's the next line?

Cos we ain't got no lovers...

-No.

-Oh, Lieutenant, I ain't... Pussy put my...

LAUGHTER

No. Baby, I can make you feel good.

But then someone goes # I can make you feel good... #

then someone goes # I can make you feel good... #

Technically, that's the line afterwards.

-Backing vocals aren't included.

-I did not know the rules!

Now you know the rules, answer the question.

Someone should have told me...

OK, it's "Let me lay this good love on ya" -

I Can Make You Feel Good by Kavana.

Who was that?!

APPLAUSE

Who's that?

Are you all right? Why are you so annoyed about the next line game?

-Let's go on with this.

-So angry about it.

You know you've just got to sing the next line, yeah?

We're not trying to piss you...

No, no, you're not upsetting me. It's fine.

OK, Kavana, man. That's some dangerous music.

LAUGHTER

I just don't roll like a punk, I'm sorry.

Huey, it's the game, bro!

I say a line, you sing the other line!

It was just there on the show.

You don't have to smash a mug in my hair!

LAUGHTER

Right, let's carry on. You're upset, I know. We're sorry.

-Next time will be...

-You ain't seen me upset.

-I know.

"You don't want to see me when I'm angry."

Phill's team, you can go first and your time starts now!

Honey, bring it close to my?

-Body?

-No.

It's "Honey bring it close to my lips,"

Professional Widow, by Tori Amos.

You bet your life it is...

# You bet your life... #

No, it's "Oh, you bet your life" -

-Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos.

-It's the Tori Amos round!

I was frying on the bench slide in the park across the street...

# Frying on the bench slide in the park across the street... #

Oh, I love you! Not got a clue what it is, but you just sing it.

-Do you know what it is?

-Yes.

-You don't.

-Yes, we do.

-What is it, then?

No, we want to know, I mean.

LAUGHTER

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.

My Sharona.

LAUGHTER

He took my hand and closed the door.

Oh, I know this.

You should.

I know this song!

Yes, it's yours.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, I know this song! I wrote it! I wrote it!

There are actually goldfish at home watching this going, "Come on!"

"It's your song!"

He took my hand and closed the door. Now, go!

# It was just one kiss, baby... #

Mad at Me, by Diana Vickers.

Right song, wrong lyric.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

To the left, to the left.

# Everything you want in a box to the left

# In the closet, that's my stuff

# If I bought it, then please don't touch

# I keep talking that mess, that's fine

# But could you walk and talk at the same time? #

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Well, for me, it's waking up beside you.

# To watch the sunrise on your face... #

That's correct.

Flying Without Wings by Westlife.

Tune, by the way.

LAUGHTER

Tune.

APPLAUSE

Right, so Noel's team, you need five points to win,

but I'd maybe suggest not winning, otherwise Huey...

LAUGHTER

..might get a bit cross.

OK, your time starts now!

Mama, do the hump.

The humpty hump.

Close.

Listen!

LAUGHTER

No!

Right, Phill's team, you need one point to win. OK?

If you believe it.

All we hear is radio ga ga.

Radio goo goo.

Yeah. Radio Ga Ga by Queen.

No! No!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Take her back to America!

Suck it!

LAUGHTER

So, that's it. Thanks to Phill, Huey Morgan and Laura Whitmore.

Noel, Lissie and Paul Foot.

Huey has just stormed off.

This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks

and we've been Rizzle Kicks.

'It appeared we had hit a dead end in our investigation, stonewalled by

'a complete lack of actual information or evidence

'of any kind whatsoever.

'In a last-ditch attempt to uncover the truth, I paid Phill Jupitus,

'the long-standing Buzzcocks team captain, a surprise visit.'

So, we've come to the house of Phill Jupitus to see

if he's finally prepared to tell the truth about episode 14.

Phill Jupitus, hello. Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

We are here to find out the truth about episode 14 of Buzzcocks.

Did you take part in that?

Were you there? Did you record episode 14?

Who hosted it?

Was it Mick Hucknall?

Do you have anything to say? Have you got nothing to say about this?

Phill, I mean, what have you got to hide? What have you...

There's no episode 14!

Fuck off!

I'm making a documentary!

As we come to the end of our investigation in the hunt

for the missing episode, we are

left with the stark possibility that perhaps series 27 of

Never Mind the Buzzcocks was just as it seemed, a simple pop quiz.

Perhaps the mystery of the missing episode 14 was no mystery at all.

Perhaps, we'll never know.

I'm Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

SILENT MONTAGE AS MUSIC PLAYS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd