Episode 11 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome your host for this evening - it's Dizzee Rascal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, bitches, and welcome

to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Dizzee Rascal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On Phill's team tonight...

# I'm on the edge of something... #

..is a musician who this year was nominated for UK Jazz Artist

of the Year at the Jazz FM Awards.

It's quite a small scene. There are four nominations

and they're all him, and he's presenting the award to himself.

It's Jamie Cullum.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who recently dressed up as Nicki Minaj for Comic Relief.

The last time anyone performed with a massive comedy arse is

when I duetted with James Corden.

It's Katherine Ryan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

# Don't tell me our youth is running out... #

..is a singer who performs as Foxes.

She's certainly foxy in that she stinks,

makes an annoying sound and we found her going through the bins.

It's Foxes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Everybody in love, go on Put your hands up... #

And the singer from JLS, who recently announced

they're splitting up in order to move on to bigger

and better projects - and yet, he's here tonight.

It's Aston Merrygold.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we begin with a round we're calling...

FROM DIZZEE'S TRACK: 'Bonkers!'

DIZZEE SIGHS

Phill, Jamie and Katherine, take a look at this.

# You say I'm crazy

# I got your crazy... #

That's right, it's head shaving, trailer-park singing

vagina flasher Britney Spears.

# Womanizer, woman-womanizer

# You're a womanizer

# Oh, womanizer, oh

# You're a womanizer, baby. #

That was Britney with Womanizer,

but how has her music been proved useful?

Is it A - to help pandas mate?

B - to transmit encoded MI6 messages?

Or C - to scare off Somali pirates?

What would scare pirates about Britney's music? Are they feminists?

# I was born to make you happy. #

"No, no, we won't have this, no! Leave them alone."

-Is that how Somali pirates talk?

-No, that's Britney.

If you played Britney's music to a panda,

its children would be taken immediately into care.

I do think, in the words of the internet,

we need to leave Britney alone, because it's not fair.

She's clearly gone mad.

-I like Britney. I don't really mind that she's a bit mad.

-She's amazing.

That's what makes her great, cos she's mad.

I feel like she should just go off to a cottage somewhere

and just retire and have a lovely life.

Who are you - Enid Blyton?

LAUGHTER

-JAMIE:

-This panda, he's got really heavy legs.

That's the thing about bamboo - goes straight to your feet.

D'you think the panda gets to see the videos as well,

or it just hears the music?

Do any animals find humans sexy?

My Labrador used to.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I got pumped by, erm...

LAUGHTER

By... Not a whippet, the big... A greyhound, when I was, like, seven.

I was just running in for my tea

and all of a sudden, the next thing...!

"Get off me!"

I think parents are complicit because parents will lie.

You'll say, "Mummy, the greyhound," and your mum'll go, "He was dancing."

-JAMIE:

-I had a tortoise hump my foot before.

I did, it was my first girlfriend's house and she had a tortoise.

And she was showing it to me

and it kind of wandered up to my foot and kind of mounted it.

And just went like that.

That's the closest I ever got to any action at her house.

How big a tortoise was it that you couldn't get away?

It was a big tortoise and it had a big angry shell...

PHILL LAUGHS

Erm, I know that Britney has got a tour in Vegas.

It's not really a tour - she's in one place.

I bet she still gets lost.

-JAMIE:

-When Barry Manilow had his hip replaced,

I did his gig instead of him in Vegas.

-How was it?

-It was awful.

Cos they were expecting Barry Manilow, instead they got me

in a Barry Manilow T-shirt, which they didn't find funny.

I haven't been back to Vegas since.

You probably want to do Vegas once at least, don't you,

-if you're a big star?

-You're asking the wrong guy. Ask Dizzee.

-Dizzee, you done Vegas?

-I did do Vegas.

-Did you?

I didn't do a show there, I did Vegas.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What was the question?

It was, did they play Britney's music to help, erm, sexy pandas?

Did they send coded messages in her music?

Yeah, or was it to scare off Somali pirates?

-Pirates.

-Pirates.

Yeah, that's the right answer, man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, so the Merchant Navy blast out Britney songs

to deter kidnap attacks by Somali pirates.

Now, this is where I'm supposed to tell some jokes, all right, yeah?

AUDIENCE CHEER

-Jamie, we've worked together in the past, yeah?

-Yeah.

-I trust you, yeah?

-OK.

-So, I've got a keyboard here.

You're going to let me know through the medium of mood music

if I'm doing it right, if I'm funny. So here we go.

Britney's music is used to scare off Somali pirates.

To be fair to Britney, she doesn't like them either.

Why can't they pay to download music like everybody else?

JAMIE PLAYS JAUNTY FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

For the record, I don't write this shit. Just to let you know.

Noel, Foxes and Ashton, check this out.

# Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner

# But he knew it couldn't last... #

That's right - it's that band from Liverpool

that Scousers hate mentioning. It's the Beatles.

# Get back

# Get back

# Get back to where you once belonged

# Get back

# Get back

# Get back to where you once belonged... #

OK, so that was the Beatles with Get Back.

But why has a Beatles fan recently spent 20 grand

on Beatles memorabilia?

Was it A - to contact George Harrison from beyond the grave

via his childhood teddy bear?

B - to clone John Lennon using DNA from a tooth he bought at auction?

Or C - to obtain original recordings of Ringo's voice to create

platform announcements for his model railway?

LAUGHTER

Wow.

I didn't know John Lennon had such big teeth.

-Is this your train set, or...?

-I love that you've got a train set.

It's not exactly the sturdiest of train sets.

I know that you requested the grass, though.

Well, no, cos earlier on it was just like this one little bit of train,

and I was like, "Well..."

You want a station.

"Do you know who I am? I'll have a station, young man!"

-Do you have a train set, Foxy?

-Yeah, I did.

Are you ending that answer there?

"Yeah, I did, move on."

This is a creepy business, innit?

Look at the eyes, though - it looks possessed.

It looks at you at any point as well.

LAUGHTER

You've got to worry about who from props brought that in,

and has a three-year-old at home being like, "Where is Teddy?!"

LAUGHTER

I've forgotten the question.

-Let's go back to the tooth.

-The tooth.

-JAMIE:

-What would he do with a cloned John Lennon?

Would he force him to make music when he was older?

NOEL: Can you clone someone from just a tooth?

I've never tried it personally - I don't know.

Oh, come on, what are we thinking? What is it?

I think rich people are cloning things now.

Like, Simon Cowell wishes to be cryogenically frozen in case

they come up with a cure for being a dickhead.

I mean, Aston, you could have taken a tooth from all the JLS members

-and re-cloned your band.

-They're still going to be here, though.

I know, but what's the answer, though, seriously?!

LAUGHTER

-What d'you think, Fox-Face?

-Erm, teeth.

-I'd say teeth as well.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-You're right. It's true.

-Are we right?

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So at the end of that round, Noel's team have 1

and Phill's team have 1.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aston, JLS have sadly split up.

You look sad about that, bro(!) Smiling at me!

I mean, how much did we get to really know you all?

Well, let's find out as we play JLS Or JL-No?

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

I'm going to read out some facts about JLS.

All the teams have to do is say whether the fact is true, JLS,

or false, JL-no.

Hold on, I should technically know the right answers...

You need to fall back, player.

LAUGHTER

The band was originally called UFO,

which stood for Unique Famous Outrageous.

JLS or JL-no?

JL-no.

-JL-yes.

-JL-yes!

Wait a minute, you called your band UFO?

Hey, listen, I didn't call my band UFO.

Who did call your band UFO, sir?

I bet it was Oritse.

Oritse, to be fair, did come up with that name first.

He come up with that name. Big up Oritse.

I don't hate it. Is it too late?

LAUGHTER

Was it called UFO cos in the beginning

only really crazy people believed in you?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I love you, but in the beginning...

Anyway, so, since leaving the band,

JB has embarked on a new career as a deer farmer.

-Yes! JL-yes!

-JL-no!

-So the answer, yeah, is yes.

-Yeah.

Has he got a deer farm or is he just collecting roadkill

and putting it in a box?

Charging people a pound to look at it.

What does one do on a deer farm?

Listen, I don't know! I'm, I...

I don't know! He... He's doing that.

-Supposed to back the cause.

-I'm trying to back the cause

but I haven't got a clue about it, or else I would.

Are they for eating?

You know it's illegal, don't you, to eat deers?

Oh, no, that's swans. Let him off.

LAUGHTER

OK, Aston is contractually...

I'm going to have to say that one slowly.

I'm contractually what?

Contractually obliged...

Let me do that shit again.

Aston is congratu...!

LAUGHTER

Aston is congra... Con...

Aston has been told he has to fucking back flip every time...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Aston has to back flip on every single show he appears on.

-JLS or JL-no?

-JLS.

KATHERINE: I'd say he does it for the love of back flipping,

but is not contractually obliged.

How come she can say it so easily?

Can we get a back flip?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hold up, hold up. Can we get some music to get up the vibe?

JAMIE PLAYS COCKTAIL JAZZ

Am I supposed to do it to this?!

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JAMIE PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You still want to do the cartwheel?

-I've gone off the idea.

What about a handstand and I catch your legs like a weird PE teacher?

The other way round, cos I think you're stronger.

-What, I do a handstand and you catch my legs?

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, no, no!

Help!

That's not going to work.

It's not happening.

I can't do a handstand. This is getting nerve-wracking.

All right!

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

That didn't work!

I've broken both my knees.

JAMIE: You could take that to Vegas.

I've gone blind in one eye.

My cock's loose in my pants.

I've no idea what went on there.

I've got internal bleeding, Dizzee, help me.

You landed on me!!

Well, the answer was yes, anyway.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for playing JLS Or JL-No?

Time now for the Intros round. Hand over card.

THAT is the kind of hosting I like!

# Du-duh, dshh! Du-duh, dshh! Du-duh, dshh! Du-duh, dshh!

BOTH: # Bo-ba-do-ba-bo-ba-do-bah

# Bo-bom, bo-bom

KATHERINE: # Doo-ba-doo-ba-doo-ba...

# Buh-bum, buh-bum, buh-bum

BOTH: # Yah-ba-dah-ba dah-ba-dah-ba! #

This is actually really good.

BOTH: # Yah-ba-dah-ba dah-ba-dah-ba! #

-NOEL:

-It's sent you into a trance.

-I know it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-When was the last time you played Grand Theft Auto?

-Oh, never!

I'm going to pass it over, anyway, so...

-Is it The Message?

-It is The Message.

Yeah, you're right, and this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash

# Check yourself before you wreck yourself. #

I always think of the Ice Cube version when I hear that.

All right, so, next one, please.

All right, that one.

# Baow, waow! Baow, waow! Baow, waow! Baow, waow!

-# Oo-oo-ooh!

-Baow, waow! Baow, waow!

# Baow, waow! Baow, waow! Baow, waow!

-# Oo-oo-ooh!

-# Baow, waow! Baow, wa-a-a-ah!

# Baow, wa-a-a-ah! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I just today don't know the names of any songs. Good job, though.

See, if you had Britney, I would know.

JLS, I would smash it, I would.

# Everybody in love... #

-Yes!

-I'm going to have to pass it over now.

Ah, annoyingly, I think I know who it is again,

but I can't remember the name of the song.

Is it Noel Gallagher and the Chemical Brothers?

One that's ripping off Tomorrow Never Knows.

"Booooooo! Waow!"

Oh, I don't know.

You're almost right.

It's the Chemical Brothers, Setting Sun.

-(Oh, Setting Sun.)

-This is how it should sound.

MUSIC: "Setting Sun" by the Chemical Brothers

# You're the devil in me... #

The single Setting Sun was said to be a tribute to the Beatles song Tomorrow Never Knows.

In fact, it sounded so much like the Beatles Oasis sued them.

HE PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC

APPLAUSE

-Any requests?

-Suit And Tie cover.

-Suit And Tie? Justin Timberlake?

-Yeah, his cover's nice.

WHOOPING

# All dressed up in black and white

# And you're dressed in that dress I like

# Love is singing in the air tonight

# Gonna show you a few things

# As long as I got my suit and tie

# And you're dressed in that dress I like

# Love is singing in the air tonight

# Gonna show you a few things. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

HE PLAYS FANFARE

That's my back flip.

I would prefer to do the back flip.

-Really?

-You get more girls if you do the back flip.

Yeah, you've done all right, Cullum!

You guys could get girls with your back flip,

like nurses and paramedics...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Noel and Foxes, here are yours for Aston. Here you go.

-Come on, then.

-Oh, my God.

-You've got to do the first bit, yeah?

D'you remember?

# Dum-dum-dum, de-dum-de-dum-dum

# Dum-dum-dum, de-dum-de-dum-dum

# Baow, baow, baow, ba-baow, baow, baow

# Ba-daow, baow, baow, ba-baow ba-baow, baow

BOTH: # A-a-a-a-a-ah

# Aah-ee-yah-ee-yah ee-yah-ee-yah-ee-yah. #

NOEL SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm... I really don't know, like, I'm sorry. I don't know.

-I'm going to have to pass it over.

-Please pass it over.

-Kasabian, Fire?

-Did you see that on my card?

-No, I didn't!

Ah, but you're wrong anyway, so it's cool.

It's Kasabian, Days Are Forgotten,

and this is how it's supposed to sound.

MUSIC: "Days Are Forgotten" by Kasabian

NOEL: We forgot that bit.

That's a beat, though.

My bad.

-I like that beat, though.

-Nice.

-OK, onto the next one please.

Erm...

# Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch

# Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch. #

NOEL WHOOSHES

# Urr, urr, urr, urr

# Urr, urr, urr, urr

# Aaow, aaow, aaow, aaow

# Aaow, aaow, aaow, aaow. #

Clearly I'm very bad at this game.

No, I'm going to have to pass it over.

-Dizz, it's Bonkers.

-No, it is. It actually is Bonkers.

We should have got you to help.

-You want me to do it?

-Yeah.

-All right then, cool.

Give me a beat. Give me a beat.

THEY BEATBOX

Bonkers.

# I wake up, every day is a daydream

# Everything in my life ain't what it seems

# I wake up just go back to sleep

# I act real shallow but I'm in too deep

# All I care about is sex and violence

# A heavy baseline is my kind of silence

# Everybody says that I've got to get a grip

# But I let sanity give me the slip... #

Wait, wait, wait.

'Bonkers.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

In 2009 I gave an interview

criticising the expense and inconvenience

of the London 2012 Olympics,

an opinion I held right up until the moment

they asked me to perform at the opening ceremony.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Phill's team, you are up first.

For the audience only, here are Soul II Soul with Back To Life.

# Back to life

# Back to reality

# Back to life

# Back to reality

# Back to the here and now, yeah

# However do you want me?

# However do you need me? How?

# However do you want me?

# However do you need me... #

That was Soul II Soul with Back To Life,

but which one of our line-up is Soul II Soul legend Caron Wheeler?

Is it number one, back to life?

Number two, back to front?

Number three, back to the future?

Number four, back from the dead?

LAUGHTER

Or number five, back passage?

LAUGHTER

Right, so me and Cullum got it as soon as she came through the door.

Oh, no. I have to say I have not seen so many fabulous ladies

since Destiny's Child was still together.

I say number two.

You're discounting number five, are you?

I don't know about the name "back passage". It puts me off, always.

Perhaps if this was a special occasion, I might consider it.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Perhaps.

I say number two.

OK, you'd be wrong.

Have another go.

-Let's say number one.

-We're saying number one.

-So let's find out.

Would the real Caron Wheeler please step forward?

CHEERING

Now on tour with Soul II Soul, the legendary Caron Wheeler, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Now, Noel, Foxes and Aston,

how about some classic ripped off your tits mid-'90s dance?

LAUGHTER

For the audience only, here is DJ Quicksilver with Bellissima.

That was DJ Quicksilver with Bellissima,

but which one of our line-up is DJ Quicksilver?

Is it number one, DJ Quicksilver?

Number two, DJ Quick Off The Mark?

Number three, DJ Quick One Off The Wrist?

Number four, DJ Cricket Bat?

Or number five, DJ Quick, No-one's Looking?

I like number five.

LAUGHTER

Number five looks like you could actually go out

and have a proper good time, he could proper go out on the town.

Where?! Victorian London?!

-It looks like he's seen the world.

-Oh, he's SEEN things.

He's seen things.

This round isn't just, "Whose van would you get inside?"

LAUGHTER

I'd quite like to see number five put them on, the headphones.

Can all of you put the headphones on, please?

I think number three puts it on most like the pro.

Number four looks like he should be on a runway guiding in a Spitfire.

LAUGHTER

Number three has got the face of a man who's seen

the sun coming up a million times.

LAUGHTER

-He looks like Ibiza.

-I would say three, but I'll leave it up to you.

One or three?

-OK, we'll go with three.

-Three?

Well, let's find out. Would the real DJ Quicksilver please step forward?

CHEERING

Still DJing and also president of a German soccer team,

DJ Quicksilver, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

At the end of that round, Noel's team have three

and Phill's team have three.

CHEERING

So, we end with Next Lines. Noel's team, you're up first.

Your time starts now.

Whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

# Whatever I said, whatever I did

# I didn't mean it... #

-I just want you back for good.

-Yeah.

-That's right.

-I cannot believe we got that.

Back to life.

Back to reality.

-Yeah. Back To Life by Soul II Soul.

-He's feeding me the answers.

Is that cheating?

Just get back together.

We should have never broke up.

Yeah. Beat Again by JLS.

Make it easy on yourself.

Is it you?

It's definitely not me.

It better not be me.

-Make it easy on yourself.

-Make it easy on yourself.

Invest in moose, not deer.

Cos breaking up is so very hard to do.

-Who is that?

-Oh!

That's Make It Easy On Yourself by The Walker Brothers.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phill's team, you need four points to win. Your time starts now.

-Go on, Dizzee!

-Shut it.

LAUGHTER

You're simply the best.

# You're better than all the rest. #

Bow, bow, bow!

Simply The Best by Tina Turner.

Even though now you don't want to know me.

I get on by and I go the extra mile. Is that right?

-Oh, it's your song.

-Yeah, it is.

These Are The Days by Jamie Cullum. Can we hear that one?

Oh! Er...

# Even though now you don't want to know me

# Da, da, do, da, do

# I remember you and I start to smile... #

Yeah, there we go.

CHEERING

To the left, to the left.

# Everything you own in a box to the left

# In the closet, that's my stuff

# If I bought it then please don't touch

# Keep talking that mess, that's fine

# But could you walk and talk at the same time? #

CHEERING

That's right, Irreplaceable by Beyonce.

We all know that song, don't we, girls?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I used to think it was,

"Everything you own in MY box to the left," like it was sexual coaching.

LAUGHTER

-That could work.

-Are you telling me that she uses it as a storage space?

LAUGHTER

We all do.

LAUGHTER

Do you know Beyonce? You do, don't you, Mr Dizzee Rascal?

-Oh, I'd love to.

-Oh, she's so amazing.

Yeah, she is. She's the best.

# Better than all the rest. #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

END OF ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING

So the final scores are - Noel's team have five,

but Phill's team are tonight's winners with six.

CHEERING

-How?!

-So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Jamie Cullum and Katherine Ryan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Noel, Foxes and Aston Merrygold.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I've been Dizzee Rascal.

As you enjoy the credits, Jamie Cullum's going to provide the music.

Good night.

JAMIE PLAYS THEME MUSIC

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Argh!

CHEERING