Episode 10 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

APPLAUSE

'Welcome to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks...

'..Movie Special!

THEME FROM "ET" 'Hosting this week

'is one of the most-loved movie characters of all time.

'Please welcome your host for the evening -

'Warwick Davis!' CHEERING & APPLAUSE

WOLF-WHISTLING

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Warwick Davis. Sorry, did they just make me look like ET then?

Because that was definitely ET music, wasn't it, playing then?

I specifically said that you weren't to make me look like some sort of weird little creature.

I wanted to be James Bond. You said you'd make me look like James Bond.

I suppose if I am holding a gun that glows red at the end, I'm going to look like ET, aren't I?

It's just a waste of time. Bloody amateurs!

-On Phill's team tonight...

-# When you're down... #

..is a member of one of Britain's biggest ever boybands,

who's just announced that his wife is pregnant.

You'd better be careful. When my wife was pregnant, she got some weird cravings

and started listening to McFly albums.

From McFly, it's Tom Fletcher!

APPLAUSE

And a presenter who loves Big Brother so much,

she recently said, "I'd do Big Brother pregnant",

which, incidentally, was this morning's title on Jeremy Kyle,

-it's Emma Willis!

-APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

# You just call... #

..is a singer who recently joined the cast of Mr Selfridge.

I auditioned for that show, but I think I went for the wrong part -

lift operator...

-It's Alfie Boe!

-APPLAUSE

And a comedian who says the three words that sum him up are

"jokes, hair, smile",

the same things Brucie checks he's got before leaving the dressing room,

-it's Chris Ramsey!

-APPLAUSE

Right, to mark the fact that this is a movie special,

I see that our team captains have come dressed appropriately.

Who... What are you, Noel? What is that?

Because it's a music show, I've come as a musician in a film,

so I've come as Mick Jagger, who played Turner in Performance,

one of the most obscurest references ever there!

So we've got a little tunic thing,

-dressing gown.

-Yeah, this slightly satanic sort of medallion,

and my own head!

-Riveting conversation. Er...

-LAUGHTER

Phill, explain yourself.

Warwick, I've come as the captain from Das Boot.

You remind me a little of Bluto from Popeye, to be honest.

Captain Haddock... I mean, any of the classic sailors of the world.

If you go with the bearded-sailor look...

-Captain Birdseye you could go with.

-Oh, no, that's actually...

OK, fair enough. I'll take Captain Birdseye.

There we are. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's get this movie special under way.

We begin with Round One, which we've called Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

-Noel, Alfie and

-Tom,

-check this out.

# We do as we damn well please

# Until the end... #

That's right - it's Boozy, Ginger, Paddy, Non-Descripty

and a woman whose arse now looks like a Homebase garden centre - Girls Aloud.

That was Girls Aloud with the St Trinian's Theme.

But what upset filmmakers of Run For Your Wife,

which starred Sarah Harding as one of the lead characters?

Was it "A", the film only took £602 at the box office,

"B", she insisted that she featured on every song on the soundtrack,

or "C", her hotel minibar bill was so expensive that filming had to be cut short?

Can I just ask why that fridge has been removed from my dressing room, please?

APPLAUSE

Smart!

Very good!

-They are expensive, minibars, aren't they?

-They are.

What kind of film is it if you can derail it with a few tubes of Pringles?

I find those mini bottles very good value, though.

-LAUGHTER

-I do. I mean...

APPLAUSE

I like the variety in the songs. This is Sarah Harding's original score.

One of the songs is called No Dress, No Vodka.

And then the other one's called The Squirrels Ate the Cake.

That's like you named them for her!

It's like a sort of... a sort of slutty Enid Blyton!

Does anyone know Sarah Harding, by the way?

-I do a little bit.

-Do you?

-Yeah. She's nice.

-Can she act?

-She does like a minibar!

To the question, "Why were they specifically annoyed?"...

-The squirrels?

-The squirrels. Because they were all diabetic by the end. They were furious.

Diabetic Squirrels is another good name for a band!

A punk band. "We're the Diabetic Squirrels. What you gonna do about it?"

"This one's called I Shit Snickers. One, two, three, four!"

Alfie, would you sing on something like that?

How would you sing The Squirrels Ate The Cake?

If you had to, in an operatic way, and give that the full seriousness,

how would you do it?

-With passion.

-LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

silence for Alfie Boe...

..with The Squirrel Ate The Cake.

LAUGHTER

# The squirrels...

# They ate my

# caaaaake! #

CHEERING & APPLAUSE

Alfie, thank you for that. You've just justified being on the show,

-so well done.

-Thank you.

I reckon it's probably the money thing, if it's true.

-What do you reckon?

-The minibar.

-Yeah? Do you think the minibar?

Er, no, I just said I thought it was the money.

Don't use your Jedi mind tricks on me!

"Do you think the minibar?"

"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

"These aren't the squirrels you're looking for."

All right, minibar, yeah.

-Minibar.

-Shall we go for minibar?

-Let's go for minibar!

You're wrong. The answer was "A", the film only took £602 at the box office.

It would've been worse but one of the punters really forked out on the pick & mix.

Phill, Tom and Emma, take a look at this.

MUSIC: "Shake Your Hips" By The Rolling Stones

That's right, he's the guitarist with a lived-in face -

by the look of it, lived in by travellers who refused to leave and then set fire to some tyres -

it's Keith Richards and The Rolling Stones.

That was The Rolling Stones with Shake Your Hips.

But what happened to Keith Richards on holiday

that made him almost miss filming his role

as Johnny Depp's dad in Pirates of the Caribbean?

Was it "A", he got horrifically sunburnt,

"B", he fell out of a palm tree,

or "C", he got stung by a jellyfish?

This is basically what sadomasochistic businessmen have in their boardrooms when they're...

Apparently, you can pick up a jellyfish,

as long as you touch it with the palms of your hands and not with any other part of your skin.

Who are you - Jesus?!

Whilst walking on the water, you can scoop up jellyfish with the palms of your hand!

I got stung by a jellyfish.

-Did you have to pee on yourself?

-Yes.

-Did you?

-But I'd already been.

-Did someone else pee on you?

You know when you're in the sea and you have a cheeky wee?

You're up to here, and everyone knows because you're like that...

So, jellyfish... What's this?

-This is, erm, aftersun.

-Tom's got his lotion out.

Some soothing, hydrating lotion.

I don't think it's sunburn, because they're quite leathery-looking.

Also, in terms of The Rolling Stones, "Don't forget to put sunscreen on!"

as they're like...

I wonder what that mime means! LAUGHTER

Have any of you ever met Keith Richards?

I have. I did an awards ceremony and I mentioned him at the gig.

Him and Ronnie Wood were getting a "Quick, Give Them An Award Before They Die" award.

Seriously, as he shook my hand,

I felt the soul ebbing from my body.

I actually... I know this. It was quite a big story at the time.

He fell out of a tree.

You're right. He did indeed fall out of a tree.

APPLAUSE

Keith Richards almost missed out on playing Johnny Depp's dad

after he fell out of a palm tree he was climbing and badly hurt his head.

I feel for Keith Richards, I do. I once fell out of a bonsai tree. Very painful.

OK, so at the end of that round,

Noel's team have nothing and Phill's team have one.

APPLAUSE

Time for a movie soundtrack edition of the Intros Round.

Phill and Tom, here are your cards for Emma.

This week, it's the name of the film which the song comes from that we're after.

One, two, three, four...

-BOTH

-# Jaa, jow!

PHIL SQUAWKS # Whaa, whaa-whaa!

# Jaa, jow!

# Whaa, whaa-whaa!

# Whaa, whaa

SOFTLY # Whaa, whaa-whaa... #

-Bond.

-LAUGHTER

Can I just say, that's the best rendition I've ever heard on the show.

-CHEERING

-Goldfinger!

Yes!

You're right! It was Goldfinger!

And this is exactly how it sounded...

GOLDFINGER THEME PLAYS

That was unreal. Unreal.

You've done that before! You do that all the time. You meet up at weekends and do that.

-PHILL MIMES

-# Goldfinger #

Surely you should do a fish-finger version of that!

Gold-fingerrrs!

-LAUGHTER

-OK, next one, please.

TOM BEATBOXES # Dugga-dug, dugga-dug

# Uhh-uhh, dugga-dug, dugga-dug

-# Uhh-uhh, dugga-dug, dugga-dug... #

-# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum... #

It goes on like that.

Your bit is making me think Secret of My Success.

-Is it really?

-Yes!

Then, it would be doing so erroneously, madam!

-I don't know.

-You don't know.

-I'll pass it over to Noel's team.

-Can you do it again?

It's basically a lot of "Dugga-dugga, do-do-do-do".

Was it The Squirrels Ate the Cake?

-Die Hard?

-Wizard of Oz?

-No.

-You're not going to get it.

It was Flashdance, the song being Maniac by Michael Sembello.

Here's how it should've sounded.

MUSIC: Maniac by Michael Sembello

Ahh!

SYNTH POP MELODY

LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE

I love that film, as well.

-NOEL: I know, and that song.

-NOT ENOUGH!

-I know!

That was Michael Sembello with Maniac, from the film Flashdance.

Sembello also wrote the music from Gremlins.

I hated that film. It's one of the itchiest costumes I've ever worn.

We also had Shirley Bassey with Goldfinger.

Shirley Bassey nearly died in a helicopter crash coming back from Glastonbury.

She said after, "I've had an almighty let-off."

I don't blame her. I'd have been shitting myself, as well.

Noel and Alfie, here are your cards for Chris.

You should be good at this, Alfie, being a singer and all that.

I notice you didn't say that to Tom! Wow!

-Yeah, cheers.

-LAUGHTER

OK. ALFIE LAUGHS

# Doof, doof, doof... #

Not EastEnders, OK?

ALFIE SIMULATES ROCK DRUMBEAT

# Whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo

ALFIE MIMES JANGLY GUITAR RIFF

No, sorry, sorry! Don't look at him like he's doing it wrong

and then just improvise along with him!

"He's doing it wrong. I'll just join in. I'll just jam!"

This was some of my best work, as well.

-Flight of the Navigator.

-Ahh! So close!

-Batteries Not Included!

-No! Think "flight".

Flight...

-No. I don't know.

-I'm going to pass it over. What do you think, guys?

-Michael Keaton - Batman.

-You're both wrong.

It was Top Gun,

Playing with the Boys by Kenny Loggins.

-Here's how it should've sounded.

-PAN PIPES & ELECTRO BEAT

There's the pan pipes.

I...

-We covered all the bases.

-# I'd say it was the right time... #

This is what I did to audition for the Les Mis movie.

-Is that why you got it?

-I didn't get it.

-Ah, what?

-Who did get it?

-Hugh Jackman.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS

-What are you doing?!

-You can't "whoo", he's here!

-That's not acceptable, unless that is Hugh Jackman...

..whooping himself!

Hugh Jackman has been in an opera,

-but he hasn't been naked in an opera, has he?

-No.

-And you have, haven't you?

-Yes, I have, yes.

-What?!

-Naked in an opera!

I did.

Alfie Boom! LAUGHTER

-You got a nickname for that, didn't you? Alfie Boa Constrictor.

-There you go, yeah.

It wasn't a small part.

-It was quite big.

-CHEERING & APPLAUSE

-Tom's gone naked on stage.

-Have you?

-Thanks, Emma.

-It's OK!

-They were all naked!

-Really? Just with guitars covering their bits.

Emma, didn't you once say, though, you would go naked for £1 million?

No. If you've got a million quid, though...

Where's that money from earlier?

-LAUGHTER

-Did I?

-Yes.

Hold on, this is fake. This is paper.

At the end of the day, isn't that what money is?

OK, next one, please, guys.

-# Dum, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum #

-Pah-choo, pah-choo

# Dum, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum

# Ba-doo-doo-doo

# Boo, boo-boo-boo-boo... #

Ah! Everyone knows it! They're all joining in!

CONTESTANTS HUM ALONG

Is there anyone here who doesn't know what that is?

Ahh. You're starting to look really stupid right now.

Ahh! Reservoir Dogs!

-It's right! It was Reservoir Dogs!

-APPLAUSE

-Whoo!

-Little Green Bag by George Baker.

Let's see how it should've sounded.

-"LITTLE GREEN BAG" INTRO

-That's pretty good.

# Looking back on the track... #

So we heard from Kenny Loggins, with Playing With The Boys from the film Top Gun.

The song features in the volleyball scene between Maverick and Goose,

recently voted the gayest scene in film history.

What? Gayer than the sauna scene

in Hot Cock and Two Smoking Daryls?!

Great film.

Kenny Loggins's wife is a doctor.

They actually met when she was examining his colon.

He was so smitten that, there and then,

he decided to pop a ring on her finger.

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-Nice. Nice.

I'd high-five you for that. That's brilliant.

-Not too high, though.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We also had George Baker with Little Green Bag from the film Reservoir Dogs.

Apparently, there is a theory, right,

that if you play Little Green Bag over shots of men walking in slow motion,

they instantly look cool.

I want to try out this theory, so I need two very uncool people.

Phill, Noel, join me at the front.

OK.

So what we're going to do is, walk forward here,

and we're going to play the music, Little Green Bag,

-and I want you to walk in slow motion.

-Yeah, sure.

-Cue the music! Action!

-MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

And cut!

What do you think? Did it work?

-APPLAUSE

-Well, I look cool, anyway, so...

At the end of that round,

Noel's team have one and Phill's team have two.

APPLAUSE & CHEERING

Round Three is the Identity Parade.

-Phill's team, how do you fancy a bit of Hollywood glamour?

-Ooh, yeah!

Have a look at this.

'Mars Attacks!, starring Sir Tom Jones...

'Beyonce in Austin Powers...

'Sting stars in Quadrophenia...

'And Tina Turner in Mad Max 3,

'Return of the Thunderdome.'

That was the voice of Redd Pepper, who has done voiceover for countless Hollywood movie trailers,

starring some of the world's most famous pop stars,

but which of our line-up is the man with the voice, Redd Pepper?

Is it number one, Redd Pepper?

Number two, Salt-n-Pepa?

Number three, Peppa Pig?

Number four, Peperami?

-Or number five, Pepper Spray?

-LAUGHTER

You would imagine that voice would come out of a very big man.

Are you saying that number two couldn't produce a voice like that?

Tom, thoughts?

I would be very surprised if it wasn't number four, unless that is a big red herring.

-Big Redd Pepper.

-Big Redd Pepper.

He's got two brothers, Orange and Green.

-Number four's swaying.

-He's like a redwood, of course he's swaying! It's been windy lately.

I'm internally feeling four.

Really?

-Wow!

-AUDIENCE WHOOP

-He's really swaying now.

-Yeah! LAUGHTER

I'm so embarrassed!

-OK, four.

-You're going for four?

-We are.

-OK.

Let's find out. Would the real Redd Pepper please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Mr Pepper, may we test out your voice a little bit?

Could you say a couple of things?

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hi!

-LAUGHTER

I'd like "Starring Warwick Davis..."

-BELLOWS:

-Starring Warwick Davis...

-Brilliant.

-AUDIENCE CHEER

Could you do Squirrels... LAUGHTER

..Ate My Cake?

Squirrels Ate My Cake.

CHEERING

-How are you feeling?

-Very hot!

"And the Oscar goes to Warwick Davis."

-Uhh, maybe...!

-LAUGHTER

-Maybe!

-APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, still being the voice of Hollywood,

-Mr Redd Pepper!

-CHEERING

Now, Noel, Alfie and Chris,

how about some '80s fancy movie glam-pop?

Here is David Bowie with Underground.

# Daddy, Daddy, get me out of here

-# Heard about a place today

-# Heard about a place today...

-# Nothing ever hurts again

-# Nothing ever hurts again...

-# Daddy, Daddy, get me out of here

-# Daddy, get me out of here...

# Ha, ha, I'm underground #

That was David Bowie with Underground.

But which of our line-up is Nick Gillard,

David Bowie's body double in the film Labyrinth?

Is it number one, Body Double?

Number two, Body Awful?

Number three, Boddy Holly?

Number four, # Whaa, Bodyform?

Or number five, Body Found In A Park By A Dog Walker?

LAUGHTER

There's some serious groinal bulge going on here.

Number four looks like he's had some kind of frontward prolapse.

LAUGHTER

Don't do a close-up of it!

I like number two's legs.

-Yeah, I do.

-Look at his stance. He doesn't give a shit.

A lot of bulge going on there, as well, but it doesn't look as unhealthy as number four.

-A medical condition!

-Yeah! Whereas number two's just looks like a bloody good night out!

Has anyone here met David Bowie?

Not even you, Phill? Warwick has.

-I won't boast about it!

-LAUGHTER

I was in Labyrinth, though, if that's exciting enough.

-Were you?

-Yeah.

I played a couple of different goblins.

-I love Labyrinth.

-I can imagine you do.

What do you think, Alfie, about this?

-Who might be a good body double?

-I'd like to see if they can do the trick?

Could you manipulate your balls, please, gentleman?

-Why's this happening?

-It's in Labyrinth. He's got two balls.

-You've not seen Labyrinth?

-I've seen it, but it was ages ago.

Have you just come out of a coma? LAUGHTER

Yeah, it was the first time I watched Labyrinth,

-I slipped into it.

-LAUGHTER

Excuse me!

Apart from those couple of goblins that were brilliant!

What have you done in your career?

-How many Hollywood movies have you appeared in?

-None.

I rest my case.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

It's got to be number two, hasn't it?

-He's got a bit of a Bowie thing going on.

-Let's find out.

Would the real Nick Gillard please step forward?

Ah! Sorry, mate!

APPLAUSE

There he is. I think we've got a picture of Nick and David together. There they are.

There's another chap in the line, that's Little Pete.

He was actually my stunt double in Willow.

-APPLAUSE

-There he is. Yeah.

Don't you represent him in Life's Too Short?

Indeed, yes.

I'm taking commission for tonight, as well.

Quids in!

Still jumping off buildings as a stunt co-ordinator,

-Nick Gillard, ladies and gentlemen.

-APPLAUSE

We end with a movie special edition of Next Lines.

Phill's team, you're in the lead so you go first.

Your time starts now.

It's the eye of the tiger...

# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight #

-That's right. The Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, Rocky III.

-Ooh!

Near, far, wherever you are...

-# Wherever you are... #

-# My heart will go on #

That's right. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion.

-Just like that!

-Sing it, son! Boom!

You don't need money, you don't take fame...

-Er...

-Oh! Oh!

-# Don't need no credit card

ALL: # To ride this train #

The Power of Love by Huey Lewis & the News from Back to the Future.

The hills are alive...

EMMA BELLOWS # With the sound of music #

-The Hills Are Alive, Julie Andrews.

-What was that?!

-It was that thing.

-I know. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna live forever...

BOYS: # I'm gonna learn how to fly Fly! #

Fame by Irene Cara from Fame.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Right, Noel's team, you need four to win.

Your time starts now.

-Flash...

-# Ah-ah! He saves every one of us #

Gordon's alive!

"Ah-ah" was quite enough. Flash by Queen from Flash Gordon.

Watching, I keep waiting...

Squirrels ate my cake. LAUGHTER

It was "Still anticipating love". Take My Breath Away by Berlin from Top Gun.

-Ahh!

-Ah, we've been over that, man!

I've got chills...

They're multiplying.

You're the One That I Want by Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta from Grease.

-Hakuna matata...

-# What a wonderful phrase #

Hakuna Matata by Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King.

This is the end...

# I've been in loads of Hollywood films and I never mention it #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's "hold your breath and count to ten".

-No-one knows that!

-Skyfall by Adele.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

The final scores are, Phill's team have six

and Noel's team also have six.

Ooh! APPLAUSE

So, teams, in true movie style, we've been left with a cliffhanger!

It's a tiebreak situation.

MUSIC: "Asteroid" by Pearl & Dean

"Fancy a curry?"

-So...

-LAUGHTER

So it's a tiebreaker, which means it's time to bring back Mr Voiceover Man himself,

-Redd Pepper!

-APPLAUSE

Teams, it's now down to the final question

to decide who will be tonight's winner.

It's fastest finger first.

-Are you ready?

-BUZZER:

-"Noel Fielding!"

-Did you press yours?

-"Phill Jupitus!"

Ooh! I have an erection.

-Oh, man!

-LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE

Sorry! Sorry, Mr Pepper.

-Phill Jupitus... Oh, man!

-OK, let's have the first clue.

I am both singer and a movie actor. Who am I?

"Noel Fielding."

-David Bowie.

-Nope. Next clue, please.

I was born in Memphis, Tennessee, in 1981.

-"Phill Jupitus."

-Shane Ritchie.

-LAUGHTER

-Next clue, please, Redd.

At a young age, I found I could sing like an angel and dance like the devil.

-"Noel Fielding."

-Jesus.

-"Phill Jupitus."

-Danny Dyer.

Could we have the next clue, please?

As a singer, I've won five Grammys.

-It is!

-Buh-buh!

-"Phill Jupitus."

-Justin Timberlake.

-That is right. It's Justin Timberlake. Well done!

MUSIC: "Asteroid" by Pearl & Dean

That means tonight's winners are Phill's team!

CHEERING

So that's it. Thanks to Phill,

-Tom from McFly and Emma Willis...

-APPLAUSE

..Noel, Alfie Bow and Chris Ramsey,

-and, of course, to Redd Pepper!

-APPLAUSE

This has been the Never Mind The Buzzcocks Movie Special. I've been Warwick Davis.

And as you enjoy the credits, we're going to watch them in glorious 3D with you.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd