Episode 9 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Jack Whitehall.

On Noel's team tonight...

..is a singer who recently released his debut solo album, Borrell 1.

If you don't want to know the score, look away now - Borrell 1, Sales nil. It's Johnny Borrell!

APPLAUSE

And the presenter who fronts one of my favourite shows, The Last Leg,

with fellow disabled presenters Adam Hills, who only has one leg,

and Josh Widdicombe, who is from Devon. It's Alex Brooker!

APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight...

..is a singer who filmed her new video at an opulent country mansion.

It's a brilliant video, but my father was furious she left the Aga in such a state. It's Katy B.

APPLAUSE

And a singer from JLS.

The band recently announced they have split after four years,

unlike their branded condoms which you can use over and over again.

It's Aston Merrygold. APPLAUSE

Well, as you can see, Aston isn't actually here this evening. We got a call from his agent two hours ago

to inform us that Aston has been taken ill, so...awww.

Little bit selfish. The production team was left in a bit of a pickle

and desperately scrambled around for a replacement. They've called everyone with any link to music -

comedians, presenters, Sugababes and nothing came back.

They then said, "Jack, do you know anyone?"

I said, "Yes, I know the man that can save the day."

He is a true champion. Well, not exactly a champion,

but he won a bronze medal in the 4x400m relay in 1992 in Barcelona.

A man who couldn't be better suited to a contemporary pop quiz.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kriss Akabusi!

# We are the champions... # Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Yeah!

Kriss!

How are you, buddy?

Yay!

Boom! Boom, boom, boom!

# We are the champions We are... #

You literally saved us. Jackabusi! We've got a dynamic going on!

A little bromance!

We begin with Guess Who. We've morphed together two well-known faces from the world of music.

Who do the faces belong to? Phill, Katy B and Aston Merrygold from JLS...

We should probably change that.

And we can't do the bit at the end with the back flip.

Let's do it again.

Whose faces have been morphed together? Phill's team.

Good lord!

I'm thinking a Sugababe. A current Sugababe.

There's very few people that haven't been in the Sugababes. It's the Territorial Army of pop.

Would you like a go? Yeah! I think it's quite easy to get in.

Akabusi could get in if he wanted!

This could be a Sugababes line-up. Big Man, what music are you listening to at the moment?

Not whatever she/he is singing. It's not a real person, Kriss!

I'm old school, back in the '70s, '80s. Soul, funk, jazz.

When discos were in. You remember discotheques. Especially the accountants in the front row!

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah!

I think half of it is Ozzy Osbourne. The hair. I think it's Ozzy's hair.

The face is looking a little bit Nicki Minaj-y. Oh!

We're there. Congratulations. Oh, no! I'm meant to say...

Let's see if you're right.

APPLAUSE

The reality is I'm meant to, at this time, have a chat with Aston from JLS about the band's split.

Let's just try it with Chris.

LAUGHTER

So, Chris, tell us why did JLS break up?

Em...

Will you be reforming? We'd love to see the boys back on The Big Reunion.

You've got to give us a little time and I'm sure if...

"If he's being evasive, push him for an answer." Come on, Kriss! Let's announce it tonight!

See you at Wembley!

CHEERING

You heard it here! Ever used the JLS-branded condoms?

The JLS-branded condoms? Yeah. They're quite small guys, aren't they?

Not just quick on the track.

I am so happy Aston Merrygold is ill!

Aston Merrygold is like a name you make up by things you've seen in a room. "What's your name?"

Aston...Merry...Gold.

Like when the police go, "What's your name?" "Er, Brian...Bovril."

LAUGHTER

The real Brian Bovril is at home watching this. He's in prison. He is in prison!

He did some dark shit. I know!

Bovril! Please tell me your porn name is Brian Bovril!

What is your porn name, Kriss? No, no, no. Mother's maiden name and first dog.

Clara Dillinger.

It was a Doberman. Black and tan. Didn't ask questions. Just went boom!

Kriss, tell us more about pets that you've had.

You don't wanna know. That sounds really sinister.

I've had a budgerigar called Friday cos I bought it on a Tuesday.

LAUGHTER

Wow. This is like a terrible remix of that Craig David song.

I have a question for you. Whose music has been proven to help plants grow

and fight off disease? I think her. Ozzy's, it's very troublesome

and it's quite, "Aaaargh!"

Whereas Nicki Minaj would be...? "Ah ah ow..."

Sometimes when I hear Nicki Minaj's music I believe my boobs and bum are getting bigger.

It can encourage growth. Yeah, Nicki Minaj.

Right, let's hear an answer. Nicki Minaj? I'm going with you guys.

I'm afraid you are wrong. I thought it was Ozzy Osbourne!

Well, you should have said! Your team were wrong because they didn't listen, Kriss.

It's now Kriss's team?!

I'm sorry!

CHEERING

You know Kriss is not stopping as captain. He'll be hosting...

Horticultural research has shown that playing Black Sabbath to plants

is good for plant growth. Sharon... There's so much pressure! Get it wrong and Kriss will take my place!

Sharon recently threatened to divorce Ozzy...

Aaah! No! Get out of the chair!

No. Kriss, can you do the joke?

All right, OK. Here we go.

Oh, God!

OK. (Sharon recently threatened to divorce Ozzy...) Sharon recently threatened to divorce Ozzy

as it was revealed he was back on the drink and drugs. (Luckily, they've moved on.) They've moved on.

(And Sharon's surgeon...) And Sharon's surgeon... (..has put a brave face on her.)

..has put a brave face on her. Ah!

Get back in there, sir!

BOOM! Sorry, the seat's got some secondary Akabusi on it.

HA HA HA! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Kriss, steal his glasses!

LAUGHTER

If I could see him, I'd be furious.

Noel, Johnny and Alex, have a look at this and tell me who the two celebrities are.

Wow!

Looks a little bit like Che Guevara, doesn't it? It does! Like when he's on holiday.

It's Pav, isn't it? Pavarotti. Pavarotti is one of the people.

Look at those big, blue eyes. Those big, blue, Christ-like eyes!

It's my nemesis - it's Chris Martin! I know what you're doing!

Stare at his eyes a little longer. I can't!

The mediocrity might get me!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's see if you're right!

It is.

We did a gig together, didn't we, on the same bill as Coldplay? I know.

And you deliberately avoided him. I didn't avoid him. His roadies wanted to kill me.

With cups of green tea.

And so you have a question about these two people.

Which one of these two people has their music sung as a lullaby by Prince William to his son,

baby Prince George? What would you sing to your baby? # Breakin' the law...

# Breakin' the law Breakin' the law, breakin' the law

# Breakin' the law! #

I think you've had an Akabusi attack. Would you like to have kids one day, Johnny Borrell?

It's not exactly on my radar. Is my mum watching? Shit.

No. Are you courting?

I'm not courting at the moment. A single man. Yes. With plans to settle down?

I get why you've got your little sour face on. Shut up. I just got it. Shut up, Alex.

You know each other. You said to me... No, I told you, shut up!

Shut up!

I've been reading your book on the toilet as well

and there's a bit about Johnny. Why read it on the toilet? It's not good enough to take on holiday!

The bit in the book where you describe how Johnny... Don't! ..managed to...woo your sister

with a tale of how he wrote a song about her. You, um...

You might have gone out with my sister for three months.

That's not the full story, though. LAUGHTER

She came back and she said you'd written a song about her.

Then I worked out it had been written two years before you met her

and I printed off the Wikipedia page and I presented it to my sister!

But it's fine. You used the word "douchebag". I did not.

We met in a bar. You were on the piano playing and you sort of wooed her

and then you wooed her into a cab and I had to go home on my own and tell my parents. It was awkward.

Do you remember any of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Er... Yes.

You don't remember a thing! What can I say? You told her you'd written a song about her! She played me it.

I had to listen to one of your songs. All the way through?!

LAUGHTER

Let's get back to the question. Who did Prince William sing as a lullaby to his baby son?

I reckon that the Prince is pally with Chris Martin. Chris Martin - you are right.

It was Chris Martin. Prince William sings Coldplay to his son.

Chris Martin is said to be worried that Gwyneth Paltrow is starting to annoy people. Oh, Chris.

That ship has sailed, my friend. Sailed, arrived at port, docked and allowed its passengers off

for a few hours' sightseeing on Aloof Comes Across As A Bit Of A Bitch Island.

LAUGHTER

Chris Martin revealed that he tries out his songs on his kids over the breakfast table for their input,

which is why his next song is titled Please, Daddy, Why Won't Mummy Let Us Eat Bread?

At the end of that round, Phill's team have one point and Noel's team have two points.

Time now for the intros round. Phill and Katy B, here are yours for Aston Merrygold.

Right, yeah.

# De de, de de dun...

# Boom, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba boom-boom

# Ba-ba-ba-ba boom-boom

# Ba-ba-ba-ba... # Go on, Kriss! Go on!

I haven't got a clue, mate. The answer was Stealers Wheel, Stuck In The Middle With You.

Here's how it should have sounded. You're supposed to throw it over! LAUGHTER

So throw it over? I didn't hear what you said.

I'm throwing it over. Any ideas?

Um...

I have to push you for an answer. Stealers Wheel, is it?

Oh!

Stuck In The Middle... With You. Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know this. # Stuck in the middle with you I don't know why I... #

I know the tune. I don't know the band. Oh, I know it. Yeah, yeah.

That was it. It's too late. Yeah, yeah. Next one, please.

Right.

One, two. # Diggety-de-boom boom de boom boom

# De-re-de-deh, de-re-de-deh

# De-re-de...something Ba-dum dum, ba-dum dum

# De-re-de-deh, de-re-de-deh... # I'm really sorry, but...

I'm...I'm... "Family Fortunes" BUZZER

Wrong quiz!

Any ideas? It's a disco song. Sister Sledge?

No! Sister Sledge! We Are Family!

Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS You should have got this, Kriss! This is our song!

CHEERING

Right! Kriss!

Whoo!

Ooh!

# We are family

# I've got Akabusi with me! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sister Sledge! That was Sister Sledge with We Are Family,

performed by countless other people, most recently any Gypsy family with a child with lighter skin.

We also heard Stealers Wheel with Stuck In The Middle With You.

It's associated with a scene in Reservoir Dogs where a man has his ear cut off.

Louise Redknapp's 2001 cover version is associated with cutting both your ears off.

Noel and Johnny, here are yours for Alex.

OK. You're in charge, musically.

# Um-te-ah, um-te-ah, um-te-ah

# Do-be-de-dum-dum do do

# Do-be-de-dum-dum boom boom

# Do-be-de-dum-dum do do

# Be-be-de-bum, be-be-de-bum... #

Ah...!

# Be-be-de-bum... # Is it...?

Is it...? I think I've got it. Is it Red Hot Chilli Peppers?

No. Now I look a tit, don't I?

I'm passing it over.

Gotta Be Starting Something? I'm afraid it's Indeep, Last Night A DJ Saved My Life.

That's one of my favourite songs! Here's how it should sound. I'm rubbish at this game.

INTRO PLAYS

It never was Red Hot Chilli Peppers, was it?

# Last night Akabusi saved my life

# Last night Akabusi saved my life on the dance floor... #

# Last night a DJ saved my life... # Let's hear the next one, please. All right.

# Djang Djang Djang

# Neeeeyowwww

# Jig-a-jing-jing... # It's impossible, this one.

It's not possible! Not possible!

Guys, if you want to, you can play your Akabusi card.

Would you like to play it? Yeah, of course(!)

Play your Akabusi card. Hand it in. What is that?

Kriss Akabusi, kindly join the two players over there. CHEERING

What is the Akabusi card?! Everyone knows about the Akabusi card!

Play it and Kriss Akabusi comes and helps you. Do you know this song? Oh, yeah! Well, I know the band.

LAUGHTER

I'm not optimistic at this point, if I'm honest.

Why don't we change the song? Make it...

This has a weird intro. Yeah!

We might take this group on tour.

One, two, three, four.

ALL: # De-de de-de de-de de-de de-de-da

# De-de de-de de-de de-de-de-da

# De-de de-de de-de de-de-de-da De de de... #

Grange Hill! LAUGHTER

Is it... Is it Record Breakers?

YES! Yes!

Boom! Boom!

Boom!

You get a point. It was Record Breakers. Here's how it should have sounded.

# De-de de-de de-de de-de-de-deh! De-de de-de de-de de-de-de-deh!

# De-de-deh de de de-de-deh! #

Oh, yes.

You love that song!

At the end of that round, Phill's team have one point and Noel's team have five points.

Round Three is the identity parade. Phill's team, some hot '90s girl on girl on girl on girl pop.

For the audience only, here are Solid HarmoniE.

# ..want me for all that I am

# I hope that you'll try to understand

# Do you feel the same

# Do you feel the same? #

That was Solid HarmoniE with I Want You To Want Me, but who is band member Melissa Graham?

Number one, Solid HarmoniE?

Number two, Solid As A Rock?

Number three, She's Back On Solids Now?

Number four, So Solid Crew?

Or number five, Just Pass The Solid?

I did actually used to have this song on a free Top of the Pops CD that I got with the magazine.

You didn't pay for it? No!

Akabusi, which of the line-up would you most like to boom? Whoa!

No! No! Kriss has a wife! I didn't mean it like that. I mean boom, boom!

Oh, you sick bastards! No!

Kriss Akabusi is asexual! He doesn't do any of that. I don't know about that, fella!

APPLAUSE I don't know about that.

Who do you think is Melissa? I think it's number four. But it might be two!

I think it's number two. She's got the old dancing action going on! She's stood still!

Two. You're going to go with two?

Let's find out. Will the real Melissa Graham please step forward?

Yeah!

Now writing for various pop projects, Melissa Graham.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now Noel, Johnny and Alex, how about some classic double denim pop?

For the audience only, here is B*Witched with C'est La Vie. Disgustingly filthy tune!

# Say you will, say you won't Say you'll do what I don't

# Say you're true, say to me C'est la vie

# Say you will, say you won't Say you'll do what I don't

# Say you're true, say to me

# C'est la vie... #

That was B*Witched with C'est La Vie, but which of our line-up is Keavy Lynch?

Is it number one, B*Witched?

Number two, Bejesus?

Number three, Been Through A Lot?

Number four, Been Banned From The Leisure Centre?

Or number five, Been Knocked Up By That Guy From Razorlight? LAUGHTER

Do you recognise her now? You all right, sis?

I remember the song. I also went to see The Big Reunion tour live.

Did you? Yes! All right? I love The Big Reunion and even I think that's a bit pathetic.

Me and Johnny haven't got a clue. Why don't you defer to Alex, who knows? All right, Columbo!

Sorry. I was thinking two. I was thinking two.

We're both wrong. I'd like to go out with two.

See, Akabusi? That's how you do it.

I can get you in for free at safari parks if you say you're my carer. LAUGHTER

We're going to totally go with your instinct. You know. It's number three.

Let's find out. Will the real Keavy Lynch please step forward?

APPLAUSE

Now planning a B*Witched comeback with a brand-new album,

which you'd have to kidnap all my family for me not to buy - Keavy Lynch, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

At the end of that round, Phill's team have two points, Noel's team have six points.

So we end with Next Lines. Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first. Your time starts now.

"I shot the sheriff..."

But I didn't shoot no deputy. By Bob Marley. "I said hey, boy, sitting in a tree..."

Me, you and Kriss Akabusi. It's not what's there, but it's a better lyric.

"Mummy always wants you to come for tea." C'est La Vie by B*Witched.

"And, oh, doesn't matter how much we cried if our eyes spat out the night..."

What I've done there is read out both lines of the song.

So... you'll have to get the next line.

Still I'll try to be sincere. By Johnny Borrell.

Who was that one written for?

LAUGHTER They're all someone's sister!

"Dance, little sister..."

You must know this one!

"Don't give up today." By Terence Trent D'Arby. "Sister, don't let go..."

LAUGHTER

"Sister, don't let go..."

Keep quiet. I can hear Jack... SHUT UP!

"Sister, don't let go" by Mumford.

TIME UP MUSIC

Phill's team, you need six points to win. Your time starts now. "Question..."

What do you think about me?

Correct. Independent Woman. Really? "I can be your toy friend..."

I don't know that one. "I can be your lover." By JLS. How do you come up with lyrics like that?

LAUGHTER

That was incredible, fantastic. "Everybody in love..."

Put your hands up. By JLS. What was the inspiration for that song?

"I will keep on going until they say so..."

And even when they do, it's so hard for me to go. Lights On by Katy B.

TIME UP MUSIC

So the final scores are Phill's team have five, but Noel's team are the winners with seven!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Katy B and Kriss Akabusi,

Noel, Johnny Borrell and Alex Brooker. I've been Jack Whitehall.

And as a special treat for you to enjoy over the credits,

Aston Merrygold is...

Kriss?

We had an idea that at the end of the show Aston Merrygold would do a backflip off the desk.

I've got a great idea, Jack. We're going to recreate the 1990 European Championships.

The 400 metre hurdles, Akabusi comes around the bend,

he hurdles the last hurdle and wins gold. I need a hurdle, Jack.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Bend down there, Jack, like a good boy. I've seen the hurdles! There's no bumming in the hurdles!

If I've still got any proficiency, you will be a lucky boy. LAUGHTER

But if I'm not quite as good as I used to be, Jack, brace yourself, son!

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jack Whitehall. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd