Episode 8 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

Welcome to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks Sexy Special.

Oh, my God, it's Michael Bolton!

# When a man loves a woman

# Deep down in his soul

# She can bring him such misery... #

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Michael Bolton. CHEERING

Yeah!

Now, before we start, I may not have my trademark hair any more,

but don't worry, ladies, tonight I promise

I will still be employing both of my trademark moves.

The smouldering Jesus...

# Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? #

# How can we start over...? # LAUGHTER

OK.

You're welcome.

On Phill's team tonight...

# Some girls wanna dance in the spotlight... #

..is a singer who was recently in a film called The Perfect Wave,

which in fact was a documentary about my hair in the mid-'80s.

It's Diana Vickers.

# Got the eye of the tiger... #

And a presenter who is so brilliant at maths,

on her last birthday

she made 51 plus 1 equal 39.

Again. It's Carol Vorderman.

And on Noel's team tonight...

# But some... # CHEERING

..is a singer from the boy band Westlife,

# Oh, no

# Not, not, not me... #

And the stand-up comedian who has been described

as the person you'd most like to meet down the pub.

What? A drunk woman on the rebound who loves '80s power ballads?

It's Seann Walsh.

So, Shane, did Westlife have a trademark move, like a power grab?

It kind of goes - it kind of goes something like this.

You're sitting...

Key change is about to come...

APPLAUSE Yes!

Did someone improvise standing up? Did someone just go...

No, no, no! What the fuck was that, when you got up?!

Or is that Boyzone?

# If I let you go... #

Oh, that's your move. That's like when you're at a clothes shop

and you're trying to get the clothes out of the way of the rail.

What's the getting up thing? I don't get up that much.

You've got to sit and kind of concentrate,

cos you've got to do it all at once,

don't want to get up ahead of each other.

So, if we say, "Three, two, one," then we're all going to get up. Yeah?

OK. OK. On one, though, yeah?

So, it's like, three, key change is coming, two, one, and we all...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Actually, Seann, I gotta say, you've got a great look.

It's very Boltonesque.

LAUGHTER Thank you.

Let's see a picture.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

We need some smoke...

we need some wind...

and we need some music.

# When a man loves a woman... # OK.

First, spread...

APPLAUSE

Oh, you nailed it.

He's a pro, man, he's a pro. You nailed it.

Yeah!

Bravo.

Wow.

I feel sexy, thank you.

I think we're going to begin now.

This is Round One, called Sorry, No Refunds.

Noel, Shane and Seann, check this out.

# The things I think I did

# I do, I think I did... #

B, his nut allergy?

C, a swarm of grasshoppers?

You've got one lone grasshopper.

Which is meant to be loads.

They ruined the gig. Maybe they were tutting.

THEY TUT

THEY TUT RAPIDLY

Right, I'm going off, I've had enough of this.

You've met Paul, haven't you?

I actually did meet Paul. Yeah, I did meet Sir Paul once.

It was actually on my honeymoon.

You got married to Paul McCartney? I did.

We were in the Maldives, and basically the hotel staff said,

um, "You've a very famous neighbour," you know?

And I was like, "Who is it?" They were like, "Sir Paul McCartney."

I was like... Wow!

When I actually got to meet him, It was a bit of a weird moment.

I was going into the spa to get a massage...

You're getting very close with Paul on this trip. Yeah!

Have you met Paul, Michael? I haven't been introduced to him, no.

No, really?! I've come close, but... What, come close...

Someone went, "Hey, come and meet... Oh, no, don't bother. It's fine."

I saw him on a bus in Soho, actually. Did you?!

I said to him, "How are you getting a bus?!" And he said,

"No-one thinks, cos you're so famous, that you'd get a bus.

"So I just get the bus, it's easier."

And I thought, "Oh, my God,"

and then I realised it wasn't him, it was just an Indian guy.

So, what do we think? I think it's the float.

With the toucan on it. We're going to go with the float.

We're going to go with the float. You are wrong.

Agh!

For God's sake! It's the grasshoppers, isn't it?

It is C, a swarm of grasshoppers.

Earlier this year a swarm of grasshoppers invaded the stage

and forced him to complete his three-hour gig covered in insects.

Now, if you're wondering what a Brazilian grasshopper looks like,

That's right, it's musical button-presser Moby.

# Cos we are all made of stars

# Cos we are all made of stars... #

That was Moby with We Are All Made Of Stars.

But who attacked Moby on stage in Toronto?

Was it A, a man with a harpoon?

B, Bryan Adams?

Or C, a man dressed as a ten-foot tree?

Bryan Adams is obviously Canadian. He's tiny.

This is actually his guitar.

Tiny, tiny guitar! Yeah.

NOEL: I saw him in Soho once, and he had a motorbike helmet on,

and his head was so small it was like an otter's head.

When he opened his visor, there was sort of room, you know...?

Loads of room in there.

Maybe he was living in it.

It was his house.

This is how big he is...

This, apparently, represents... I don't know. Bryan Adams' garden.

We think it was a man, Mr Bolton, dressed as a tree.

And you are right.

It is C. Yeah!

Moby has revealed that a man dressed as a giant ten-foot tree

once ran onto a stage and wrestled him onto the ground.

Luckily, Moby was in the middle of a song,

so he had two minutes until he had to click on the mouse

to start the next song.

At the end of the round, Noel's team have done nothing.

They have nothing. They are worth nothing.

And Phill's team have one.

Now, teams, how do you fancy some quick-fire questions all about me?

Yeah! Oh-ho-ho!

Let's play the Lightning Bolton Round.

# Whoa-oa Lightning Bolton. #

That's not how it works.

I think it's false.

Wrong, it is true. Oh!

True or false...

was originally going to be "maybe it's Michael Bolton."

# Maybe it's Maybelline. #

But then I cut my hair.

True or false?

# Maybe it's Michael Bolton. #

Sound convincing?

# Maybe it's Michael Bolton. #

CHEERING

It was false.

True or false...

I am actually Dr Bolton.

Michael, say, "Pop your top off."

I beg your pardon? Say...

Say, "Pop your top off."

Pop your top off.

He's not a doctor.

You got it just cos you're Michael Bolton,

like a doctor thing with the cap and all that.

You probably did, didn't you? You probably did.

CAROL: Yeah. We trust you, Michael.

I knew I wasn't going to get through this line.

In the Disney film Pocahontas.

True or false? False!

I don't know, he can reach. False! He's got a range! He's got a range.

Wherever you think he's going, he's going one higher. Yeah.

I don't think it is, no. I think it's false.

It is false. Yes!

It is false.

All right, everyone, thanks for playing the Lightning Bolton Round.

Thank you.

# Whoa-oa Lightning Bolton. #

Time, now, for the Intros Round.

Phill and Diana, here are your intros for Carol.

Right.

One, two... Three, four...

Pack-a-didda, pack-a-didda, pack-a-didda...

Beep-bo bap-ba-da da-didda beep-bo bap-ba-da da-didda...

Pack-a-didda, pack-a-didda...

Do-do, do da-didda do-do... Pack-a-didda, pack-a-didda...

Do-do-do, do-do-do dicka-di-do... Pack-a-didda, pack-a-didda...

PHILL: They're back!

They are back!

It's not Anal Danger.

Oh, who had money on Bolton saying that tonight?

I want to hear him singing it.

# It's not Anal Danger, it's...

# Anal Danger. #

Woo, yeah!

Noel...

APPLAUSE

Woo!

Was it Bazzam by Gedebbidorm?

No, it wasn't Garbagarbagarba, no.

That was Disclosure by White Noise,

and here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "White Noise" by Disclosure

BOTH: Wooo...

Dum, dum-dum-dum...

Dum, dum, dum, dum-dum-dum...

Dum, dum, dum, dum-dum-dum... SHE IMITATES A TRUMPET

Dum, dum, dum, dum-dum dah...

Dat-dat!

Oh, Mum!

Oh, I know that one!

Give me something, Carol.

Da-da da-da-da...

Just give me an hour.

NOEL: Carol, you need a blackboard to work this out.

I think we have to go over to the other team right now. Noel?

Baby Give It Up?

# Give it up, give it up Baby give it up... #

That is correct!

And here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Give It Up" by KC The Sunshine Band

Sorry.

are officially the funkiest disco band of all time.

They're so disco, even their testicles are mirrored.

Noel and Shane, here are yours for Seann.

Let's do this. The lion doesn't...

He's never heard music, he doesn't know what this is.

No idea.

All right, on, two, three, four...

HE IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR

Bam!

Bam!

I just love you guys, yeah?

I just really love you, do you know what I mean?

I've always loved you.

That's kind of what the lead singer does, in the band. Yeah.

If it's an indie song, it's probably someone going...

HE YELPS VOCALS

# With the arms behind the back

# Oh oh oh oh... #

If necessary, we will hand this over to Phill's team.

I know it, I don't know...

Nobody knows, nobody knows.

It was Kaiser Chefs... Kaiser Chiefs...

Kaiser Chefs.

# Every day I love you less and less

# And I love my chopping board

# Oh oh oh... #

# What's that coming over the hill?

# It is a blender

# It is a blender. #

Ahh. What a band!

It was the Kaiser Chiefs, Everyday I Love You Less And Less.

And here is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Everyday I Love You Less And Less" by Kaiser Chiefs

Ba ba-da ba-da.

Ba ba-da ba-da. Dood-oo-doo.

Ba ba-da ba-da. So smooth.

RAPS: You'd like to see me fly now. Ba ba-da ba-da.

You'd like to see the tiger. Ba ba-da ba-da.

You'd like to see my eyes roll. Ba ba-da ba-da.

Because this is 2013 we be rockin' out the streets,

we be going out there, we be taking it to the flavours

and hitting the beats.

You know what I'm saying? It's definitely not that.

Is it not that? Oh, right.

It's a sexy song. It's a sexy song.

Seann, I'm a little upset you don't know this one,

because I thought you were my son.

Ah... There might be a clue there.

Yeah, yeah.

It's That Sexy Look You Give Me by Michael Bolton.

We have turned it over to Phill.

Is it Touch Me There?

Yes, that's close enough.

Can I Touch You There? Michael Bolton.

And this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: Can I Touch You There? by Michael Bolton

Oh, my God, it's so sexy.

# Baby... # MUSIC FADES

Keep playing it! Keep playing the song.

MUSIC RESUMES # Come to me... #

Carol.

People often ask, "Why did you cut off your magnificent hair?"

I didn't cut it, ladies.

It smouldered off.

Now, I've written one or two love songs in my time, like...

# How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?

# How can we start over when the fighting never ends?

# Oh, baby. #

Of course... APPLAUSE

..now I'm older, and I realise the answer is, just pop a Viagra,

close your eyes and think of someone else.

I don't know what that means.

Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Phill's team, how about some classic kiddie party pop?

For the audience only,

here are Marvin and Tamara with Groove Machine.

# G to the R, double O, V-E

# Here on that groove machine

# Oh, oh

# Let's get this party jumping

# Bumping Let's get it jumpin'

# G to the R, double O, V-E

# Got all my crew and me

# Here we go for the whole weekend. #

That was Marvin and Tamara with Groove Machine.

But which of our line-up is the now-grown-up Marvin Simmonds?

Is it number one, groove machine...

number two, love machine...

Vickers went off like a car alarm when she heard that, didn't you?

You did. Yeah, I didn't really know I knew it, but I knew it!

You did! # G to the R to the groovy E. #

I loved it.

I can't remember the video. I can't remember Tamara, either.

Ahh. Um... This isn't going to help us.

Tamara's not there. She's not there.

Tamara's not there.

I know number four, I think. If not, I've met him before.

I know him. Number four, for shame.

I think it might be number one, now. Number one. What?!

No, just pick one, I don't mean ONE, I mean, like, just pick one of them

and let me know what happened.

If you get it wrong it's not the end of the world.

Pick someone.

I'm so indecisive.

REALLY?!

Guys, I actually have a plane I have to catch.

Watch.

Ohh...

No!

Now working as a financial adviser, Marvin Simmonds,

ladies and gentlemen.

Now, Noel, Shane and Seann, how about some iconic, sexy saxo-pop?

For the audience only, here is Guru Josh with Infinity.

That was Guru Josh with Infinity.

..number four, short of dosh...

..or number five, needs a wash?

Number one's Wayne Rooney, innit?

The one at the end looks like, sort of, God, in a cloud.

He's sort of, like, peering over a cloud,

going, "Ooh. I hope everyone's OK."

Who looks mad? Mad Mick, we're looking for, aren't we?

That's correct. Number two looks like he's...

Confused. ..mad, but in a real way.

In a frightening, dark way.

Number three... He still hasn't reacted to your comment!

..absolutely is not mad, and shouldn't be in those clothes.

I would say number one, but I'm opening it up to my team.

Yeah, one. I definitely think number one.

Well, let's find out.

Would the real Mad Mick please step forward?

So, we end with a Sexy Special Next Lines.

Phill's team, you are in the lead, so you go first.

And your time starts now.

LAUGHTER

"Touch me, touch me."

Please, for God's sake, touch me.

It was, "I want to feel your body." Touch Me by Samantha Fox.

"Feel your hands inside my soul."

CAROL GIGGLES

"Feel a baker's sausage roll."

IRISH ACCENT: "Feel me cock, I'll fill your hole."

I wish I had written that one.

That's a beauty.

You should.

I know this song.

Yes, it's yours.

Oh, my God, I know this song!

Apparently not! I wrote it!

NOEL: There are actually goldfish at home going, "Come on!

"It's your song!"

"He took my hand and closed the door," now, go!

"It was just one kiss, baby." Mad At Me by Diana Vickers.

Right song, wrong lyric.

LAUGHTER

"I pushed him up against the wall."

"I pushed him up against the wall."

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

So, Noel's team, you need four points to win.

And your time starts now.

"Let me lick you up and down till you say stop."

Anal Danger.

"Take your heart and make it sing."

Or use your mouth, it's up to you.

It actually was, "Love, love is a wonderful thing,"

by Michael Bolton. Ah! Ah.

"Well, for me, it's waking up beside you."

"To watch the sunrise on your face."

That's correct. Flying Without Wings, by Westlife.

Tune, by the way.

Tune.

"Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening."

# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening

# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, tonight. #

That is correct. Hot Stuff by Donna Summer.

Yes!

So, the final scores are...

Noel's team have three,

and Phill's team are tonight's winners with four.

CHEERING

And, as you enjoy the credits,

we're all going to do our very best '80s power grabs.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd