Episode 7 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Please welcome your hosts for this

evening, Rizzle Kicks! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm Harley

from Rizzle Kicks. On Phil's team tonight... # Running

around, robbing banks... Is a singer from the Fun Loving Criminals, a

band whose career we've been following since the very

beginning... Of this sentence. It's Huey Morgan!

And a presenter who came in at number 29 in this year's FHM sexiest

woman poll. Personally, I find it ridiculous that in this day and age,

women are treated with such objectification and also she's

easily in the top ten. It's Laura Whitmore.

And a comedian who, according to reviews in Edinburgh this summer,

had a tremendously successful fringe. It's a shame he followed it

up with that tremendously unsuccessful mullet. It's Paul Foot.

So, we begin with Buzzcocks Advisory Explicit Content. We're going to

show you a series of pop videos that have been bleeped and blurred by us.

All you have to do is decide which of the videos actually needed

censoring due to explicit content. Phil, Huey and Laura, take a look at

this. # I don't care who's wrong or right

# I don't really want to BLEEP no more # True love's talking baby #

Let's sleep on it tonight # I don't really want to BLEEP no more # This

is time for letting go... # # BLEEP # Take your mama out all

night # So # # Bob the builder # Can we BLEEP

it? # Bob the builder # Yes, we can # Bob the builder # Can we BLEEP it?

# Bob the builder # Yes, we can. That was the Scissor Sisters, Tina

Turner, Green Day and Bob The Builder. But who was being explicit

in their pop video? The little puppet fellow at the end. Dirty

plasticine bastard! I've watched that show. I have a young son.

Really? Do you there? He wakes up early and I watch Bob The Builder

with him. And they don't curse. I wish it was Tina Turner. She says it

with such force, doesn't she? She really does. It would

with such force, doesn't she? She implies lesbian sex. Were they two

ladies? It was a gentleman and a lady but they are named after a

lesbian sex act. You say lesbian sex act. I thought you meant like a

famous, like Vaudeville... Like in the 1930s, two lesbians came on and

did their lesbian sex act. "Ladies and gentlemen, "you've enjoyed those

war songs from Vera Lynn. "Now it's time for the lesbian sex act."

They're going to fire each other out of a cannon! If you actually got two

cannons and fired lesbians at each other...

Is that what they built that thing for in Switzerland? That is why they

built that CERN thing. Lesbians, there is not a lot that they can do

with each other. That is why they have built that

with each other. That is why they doesn't go in a circle, it goes down

to Hammersmith. The lesbians are never connecting. The only time

there is any chance of them connecting is Edgeware Road. I don't

think it was Tina Turner. It wasn't Robert builder. We are going for

Green Day. You are correct. Could you tell us why the lead singer was

banned from taking a flight out of California? Was it because his

trousers were too baggy, his hair was too messy or because his nose

was too runny? Have you ever been was too runny? Have you ever been

or something? You are wrong. It was actually baggy trousers. He was

banned from taking off because his trousers were deemed too baggy. A

Green Day is a day when you do nothing apart from sit around

smoking marijuana. Fun Loving Criminals are currently in the

middle of a green decade. But at this and tell us which of the pop

stars needed censoring. # I'm (BLEEP)-ing in Memphis.

# (BLEEP)-ing in Memphis... and feeling like i'm (bleep)-ing.

Who was genuinely being explicit? I feel I know the answer, but I want

to confer with my team. Do you know who they are? Is Olivia Newton-John

to do with Elton John? He who they are? Is Olivia Newton-John

some snacks and watch Grease. Can we come? No. Discrimination. What?

Sorry, no lesbians. What was Katy Perry up to? You met her once.

That's an embarrassing story. I did meet her, when she was married to my

friend, Russell. I went to a party. I don't know anything about modern

music or anything. I didn't think it was rude. Going to somebody's house,

somebody is a quantity surveyor. You don't read up about quantity

surveying. You say, tell us about the job. I did the same thing with

Katy Perry. I said, I understand you are a famous pop star. She didn't

like the fact I didn't are a famous pop star. She didn't

know. It is when you line up buildings, when you make highway

ramp somethings. I thought it was just when you look at something and

you have to guess how much it weighs. Like you have to enter a

contest to guess how many jellybeans there are? If you guys are going to

be in the music business, you need to know how much $10 million ways.

They get paid-in jellybeans. I think I know what the answer is, but that

doesn't seem like it is the point of the show.

doesn't seem like it is the point of bonus point, can you tell us what

she recently sang about that got her into trouble? Was it A. Her breasts

looked like they were drawn by Disney? B. Her armpits smell like

McDonald's. Or C. Her joiner tastes of Pepsi? Is this, like, she sang...

One of those options was something she got in trouble for singing.

Really? Yes. I like joining us and Pepsi. I do not see a problem there,

really. Was it a branding thing? Like Coca-Cola rang up and said,

"Hey..." Come on. Maybe it was one of those tests. Is it Pepsi or is it

Coke? The secret ingredient in Coca-Cola, they won't tell us about.

A little hint of joiner in the Coca-Cola. So, what are we thinking?

I know that one of the lyrics is that her joiner tastes like Pepsi.

Wow! Why would you say such a thing? I don't know. And how

Wow! Why would you say such a thing? you? I do know, and it's C. Yes, you

are right. The right answer is C. Lalas new song Cola contains the

controversial line, "My pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola." Hm-mm! At the end

of that round, Phil's team have one, Noel's team have two.

Now time for the intros round. For this round, each team has a Down

With The Trumpets trump card which they can use at any point, and we

will help that team out by playing the intro on these, our very own

trumpets. Oh! Phil and Huey, here are yours for Laura. I have been

watching the show for years and this is my favourite round ever, and I

always hate it when people get it wrong because it's really easy, and

now I'm shitting myself! With? Pumped Up Kicks. You are

correct. And this is how it should have sounded. It's a lot of stress,

isn't it? I have to do it in a second, I'm not sure I can. Are you

doing it, too? Wait, are they singing it to you? OK.

# Daa-daaaa # Ba-da-da-daa-da-dam # Ba-da-da-da-dam.

There's that really great Rizzle Kicks song! Down With The Trumpets.

Yes! Yes, that is correct, and here's how it should have sounded.

Yes! Yes, that is correct, and enjoyed tremendous success as a duo,

but next year Jordan is going solo. What? Sorry, you had to find out

somehow. We recently had a Twitter spat with Wiley. Basically, Wiley

reacted angrily to a harmless joke about his single and it went all a

bit out of hand. Anyway, it's probably a good idea while we have

this platform, speaking to the entire nation, to take the

opportunity to apologise wholeheartedly to Wiley for any

offence caused to him, we really didn't mean to upset you. I'm

joking, of course, I am joking. But you are insane. Noel and Lissie,

here are yours for Paul. There you are. We are allowed to stand up if

you want. You are definitely going to get this one. Yes. OK. One, two,

three, four. Well, most songs are about sex or

love or something, aren't they? That one didn't sound like it. It sounded

more like... Let's mend that dovecot. Dovecot? The dovecot. You

know, where the doves go. The homes of the doves. Like a cot with a

little bed that it lies on. They would have a bed in, obviously.

They've got a bed, of course they've got a bed. They've got tea-making

facilities. They've even got a Corby trouser press. That's hardly the

point, love! The point is the dovecote is where the doves live,

it's named after doves. Like Dove Cottage? Dovecottaging is a

different thing. Cottage? Dovecottaging is a

Goes On. By? The Whisperers. Yes! That is correct. Here's how it

should have sounded. Now let's see your next one, please.

This one I may or may not remember how it goes. We'll see. Would it

help if I did it a bit with you? Yes, it would. I feel awkward just

sitting there. Why don't you do it? I'll sit here, I'm jet-lagged. I'll

be you. "Oh, yes, I know this one." Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Ba-choo!

Ba-choo! HE MUMBLES Cha-cha! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Wa-whoa!

Wa-whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woooo! Da-da-da-da-dah! Da-da-da-da-dah!

Thank you. Is it Ocean Colour Scene Ohhhh! Oh,

Thank you. Is it Ocean Colour Scene by the band 100 Mile High City?

That's the correct answer! And here's how it should have sounded.

Right, so that was Ocean Colour Scene with 100 Mile High City. Ocean

Colour Scene were famous for offering to fight the entire crowd

at gigs. They don't do that these days, four against one is hardly

fair. Ocean Colour Scene had one massive album then faded into

obscurity. I know what you're thinking, that'll happen to us, but

I don't think so. Our album wasn't that massive. Round three is the

identity parade. Phil's team, how about some

identity parade. Phil's team, how feel good) # Just say I really want

ya...# That was Kavanagh with I Can Make You Feel Good. Can you? Well,

which of our line-up is Kavanagh? Is it number one, Kavanagh. Number two,

Kavanagh laugh. Number three, Kav-a-go on that. Number four,

Kav-ril Lavigne. Or number five, Kav-ing a gang bang. Phil's team. We

have a ludicrous advantage here. I've seen Kavanagh in concert in

Dublin, circa 1995. And I think I know the guy who's number three, I

think I've seen you out before. Number one haven't got any laces in

his shoes. Obviously the wardrobe department just said, "Oh, we've run

out of laces. "Just number one, he's not the real one, it doesn't

matter." Maybe they just think he's, like, he's a suicide risk. I can

understand why, at this point in the locking show, but...

understand why, at this point in the find out. Now writing new material,

Kavanagh, ladies and gentlemen! Now, Noel, Lissie and Paul, how about a

little early 80s mod revival? For the audience only, here are The

Lambrettas with Poison Ivy. That was The Lambrettas with Poison Ivy, but

which one of our line-up is lead guitarist Doug Sanders. Is it number

one, Lambretta. Number two, Lam-chop. Number three, Lam-brini.

Number four, Frank Lam-pard. Or number five, Silence of the Lams.

Number four, Frank Lam-pard. Or "What's this locking nonsense?" We

have got this week, Paul is like our little sniffer dog. Go and have a

little sniff, mate. Get amongst them. Four looks all sad. Like he's

had a sad life. And then just once at work he just said something, he

didn't mean it but he made a racist comment. It was a joke, it was a

joke, but it was misinterpreted. And then he had to go to a tribunal and

he lost his job. Get amongst number five. Number five, he looks very

wise. And also, he looks a little bit like a beautiful bird of prey.

See bit like a beautiful bird of prey.

angle. Number three looks like a cheeky Cockney. He looks like he's

had a couple of gay experiences. A long time ago, long time ago he's

had them! So who do you reckon it is? It's number three. It's

undeniably number three. So are you guys going to go with number three?

Let's find out. Would the real Doug Sanders please step forward? Now

working on new material as the frontman of the reformed Lambrettas,

Doug Sanders, ladies and gentlemen! And at the end of the round, Noel's

team have four. And Phil's team are in the lead with five.

team have four. And Phil's team are love but a secondhand emotion?" Yes,

What's Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner. "Stick them up, punk." "It's

the fun lovin' criminals." Yeah. "Jungle is massive! Jungle is

massive!" I don't know that shit. It was, "Wicked, wicked, jungle is

massive." Yeah, whatever. Who cares. "Jeremy Kyle got the nation

laughing." This is your song? Yes. No. Maybe. Yeah, it is, so give us

the point. "I hurt my lower lumbar, you'll know we'll never get far."

"Riding around in a stolen police car." Fun Lovin' criminals. You all

right with that? Yeah, I'm totally all right with that. You seem upset

about it. I'm not. I just thought you guys would actually doing

something different for a change. Not give me my own lyrics over

something different for a change. Pick some shit? "Get ready for the

next episode." Snoop Dogg... No, what's the next lines. It's next

lines. Oh! "Cos we ain't got no love." No. "Oh, Lieutenant, I ain't

pussy put my ass up all night." No. "Baby, I can make you feel good."

Then someone goes, "I can make you feel good." Someone goes, "I can

make you feel good." That is the line afterwards. Backing vocals

aren't included. I did not know the rules. OK, well, now you know the

rules, can you answer the question? Someone should have told me. "Let me

lay this good love on you." Who's that? Are you all right? Why are you

so annoyed about the next line game? Let's just go on with this. So angry

about it. You know you've just got to sing the next line. We're not

trying to piss you off. No, no, you're not upsetting me. It's fine.

OK. you're not upsetting me. It's fine.

ain't seen me upset. I know. You don't want to see me when I'm angry!

I think I need to go to A, to be honest. Yeah, yeah. Right, so, eh...

Right, so Noel's team, you need five points to win, but I'd maybe suggest

not winning. Otherwise, Huey might get a bit cross.

OK. Your time starts now. "Mama do the hum..." The Humpty-hump. Close.