Episode 6 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome...Eamonn Holmes!

US ACCENT: Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm not Elvis Presley...I'm really Eamonn Holmes!

CHEERING

On Phill's team tonight...

is a man who, by the age of 27,

still couldn't recite the alphabet.

He just couldn't get past the E.

It's Shaun Ryder.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a man called Greg from Scotland.

There are many great Gregs in Scotland.

There's one in Fife,

one in Dundee

and the one on Princes Street in Edinburgh

is a particular favourite of mine.

It's Greg McHugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

# So you know that I'll carry you... #

..it's a singer who's recently written his memoirs.

I won't say there's not a lot to talk about,

but Chapter 2 starts, "I went on Buzzcocks".

It's Union J's Jaymi.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the comedian who recently Tweeted

that whenever she orders a curry,

she takes her bra off.

Me too! It's Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Were you all fooled? Did you think that was really Elvis?

I've got to be honest, Eamonn. A bit of me did think,

"Good Lord - Elvis!"

A larger part of me thought

we were at a very odd North Korean rally.

You know what? I put on this outfit and I just feel...

# Just a hunk A hunk of burning love

# Just a hunk A hunk of burning love

# Just a hunk A hunk of burning love... #

Anyway, we begin with a round called Who Do You Think You Are?

Phill, Shaun and Greg, take a look at this.

# Don't stop, make it pop

# DJ, blow my speakers up

# Tonight I'mma fight

# Till we see the sunlight... #

That's right - it's breakdown-courting PR grenade Ke$ha.

Well, that was Ke$ha with Tik Tok.

But what does she reportedly get her assistants to do for her

when she is feeling tired?

Is it A - sing her lullabies based on Ozzy Osbourne's life,

B - talk to her in dinosaur language

or C -

repeatedly jump over a fence dressed as a sheep?

To sing to her in a dinosaur language...

Barney the dinosaur.

I watch it about five times a week.

Puts you to sleep, big time.

Is he the purple one, Barney? Yeah.

Oh, here we go! You too.

I've seen his work. He's good. His work?!

Yes!

He's the leading dinosaur of our times.

Do you really watch Barney the dinosaur?

I do. Him and Peppa Pig.

That's right. SARAH: Is it because you're addicted to them?

I'm down to two Peppa Pigs a day!

Cos when they dig up their bones and they draw the dinosaurs,

they assume they were, like, reptilian,

but what if they WERE all felt?

What if the T Rex was a massive snooker table with teeth?

What is the sheep one again?

She pays, apparently,

her assistants to dress as sheep...

Sheep. You're supposed to count sheep jumping over a fence.

She pays one... Just one, though?

Like, over and over again? That's knackering, isn't it?

The assistant has to pretend to be different sheep every time.

Slightly changing their hairstyle.

Mehhhh!

Change the hairstyle... Baaaa!

Change the hairstyle. Maaaaah!

I'm running out of sheep impressions!

Why can't she just, um...

I feel I'm in the right team. ..why can't she just take some drugs and go to sleep?

She could rub her button. That helps me nod off sometimes.

APPLAUSE

What do you think it is, gentlemen?

I'd like to think it's the assistant jumping over a gate in an outfit.

Shaun, have you ever had an assistant? Me?

We've just about got a tour bus, never mind an assistant.

Who drives it? Bez.

LAUGHTER

And try stopping him!

I'm imagining the tour bus going 90mph

and you go, "Are we going the right way?"

"Bez knows where he's going."

And then look up and there's no-one there in the seat!

He's on the roof!

What do you reckon, Shaun? The dinosaur.

Dinosaur song.

Dinosaur song. Tonight we're going to play the Ryder system. Yes?

Funny you should say that.

# I said see you See, see rider

# Oh, see what you have done

# Yeah yeah yeah

# I said see you See, see rider... #

I have a song for everything.

You fancy... Let's go with dinosaurs.

He thinks it's dinosaurs.

He's right! The answer is B.

When Ke$ha gets tired, she refuses to talk

and insists that her assistants only speak to her

in dinosaur.

We don't know exactly what dinosaur is spoken like,

but we're fairly certain one of the last phrases was

"Does that look like a meteor to you?"

I also assume other phrases include

"Welcome to Strictly Come Dancing!"

Noel, Jaymi and Sarah, check this out.

# Don't stop, keep it moving

# Put your drinks up

# It's getting ill It's getting sick on the floor... #

That's right - the biggest arse in music,

after Kanye West.

It's J-Lo.

# Brazil, Morocco London to Ibiza

# Straight to LA New York, Vegas to Africa... #

Well, there we go. That was J-Lo, On The Floor.

Let's not forget, featuring Pitbull.

PHILL LAUGHS But what demands is it claimed J-Lo makes...

This is very important.

A lot of people might not know Pitbull was in that.

It's just you - "And let's not forget..."

I can see Pitbull watching at home, going, "Yo, thanks!

"Mad thanks to Eamonn, my brother!"

We're all brothers in the music industry.

But what demands is it claimed J-Lo makes to her assistants

about the way her favourite hot drink is made?

OK, Noel's team. Is it that A - her hot chocolate...

is made using her own...

That's disgusting!

A - her hot chocolate is made using her own breast milk...

AUDIENCE GROANS

..B - her herbal tea

is made in a hypoallergenic chamber

or C - her coffee is only stirred

anti-clockwise?

That's witchcraft, that is.

I recognise the sound.

Um...

It can't be the boob one. Why?

Well, because aren't her kids older than breastfeeding age?

Yeah, but her boyfriend's about 14.

I thought she was married. Am I behind the times?

She got rid of him. She murdered him?

She divorced him. She's now with a dancer.

He was lactose-intolerant.

They're all suitably bonkers, aren't they?

This one feels like there might be a theory behind it.

That is just odd.

Who milks her?

Do you have to get her on all fours in a stall and...?

Our drummer drinks his own piss.

Who does? Our drummer.

Why?

Cos he's fucking mental.

Well, it's an amazing insight into the world of showbusiness, I have to say.

Before we hear any more revelations from Shaun there,

let's find out about your showbiz demands,

as we play a little game called Shaun Ryder's Rider.

OK, teams, I have here some genuine celebrity riders -

the things celebrities demand for their dressing rooms

when they go on television shows like this one,

one of which is Shaun Ryder's actual dressing room rider

for being here tonight.

I'll read them out and all you have to do is decide

whether you think it's Shaun Ryder's rider

or not Ryder's rider

and therefore, someone else's reported rider.

Here we go.

They demanded that their dressing room carpet be ironed.

Is that Shaun Ryder's rider or not Ryder's rider?

No. Not? That's Kanye West.

That is spot-on. Well done!

They demanded a dressing room

full of fluffy kittens, puppies and bunnies.

Is that Shaun Ryder's rider or not Ryder's rider?

Is that Mariah Carey? Well done.

That is not Ryder's rider.

Well done.

I've interviewed Mariah Fair...Care...what's her name?

Went well, did it?

I've interviewed Mariah Carey a few times

and she's seriously weird.

So I go into her dressing room

and she's lying down.

Getting milked.

Her PR says to me,

"Miss Carey will be doing this interview lying down."

I said, "Will she indeed? Then I'll lie down with her."

He said, "No, no, no, she won't."

I said, "Well, either she sits up

"or I lie down with her. One or the other."

He says, "That's not going to happen. Miss Carey is tired."

Oddly enough, the interview was called off.

I did think that was going towards a really positive ending there, but not at all!

What you should have done... Is?

Turned the room around.

OK, so there we go - that is not Ryder's rider.

Here is a real diva one. This one really is.

They demanded a banana,

a bar of nut-free chocolate -

not just chocolate, nut-free chocolate -

and a can of full-fat Coke.

Ryder. So you say that's Shaun Ryder's rider? Yes.

Wrong. Ah!

Sarah Millican's rider.

But you hadn't finished reading it.

GEORDIE: And just a little bit of heroin.

Just to take the edge off.

You make me sound like Elmo!

Next one. They demanded absolutely nothing.

No matter how much we secretly tried to coax something out of his agent,

not a sparkling water

or even an apple.

Nothing? That was Ryder. He didn't ask for anything.

That was Shaun Ryder's rider, yes!

# I said see, see, see rider

# Oh, see what you have done... #

Anyway.

Well done, everybody, and thank you for playing Shaun Ryder's rider.

Let's get back to J-Lo.

What is it she demands?

I know someone that has the equivalent of OCD.

They have to do it 20 times one way and 20 times the other way.

That's OCD, yeah? Yeah.

I would say that's the most logical.

You believe that her coffee is only stirred

anti-clockwise?

You're absolutely right! The answer is C. Well done.

J-Lo demands that her coffee is only stirred anti-clockwise.

I imagine whichever direction it's been stirred,

it's done thoroughly,

so there's absolutely no trace of spit left in it.

When she was growing up, J-Lo was nicknamed La Guitarra,

because of her curvy shape.

And because she was wooden and completely hollow inside.

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, Phill's team have one

and Noel's team have one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's time now for the Intros round.

Phill and Shaun, here are your intros.

I am so shit at this!

You just have to go dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Dum dum dum dum dum dum...

Keep doing that.

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

# Da da da da da da-da

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

# Da-na

# Da da da Da

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

Just...

SHAUN KEEPS DUMMING

# Da-na Dum dum dum dum da-na

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

Just...dum dum dum dum dum dum!

# Da-na

Dum dum dum dum dum dum... We can do it - for the kids!

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

# Da-na Dum dum dum dum da-na

Dum dum dum dum dum dum...

# Flash! Ah-aaaah... #

# Saviour of the universe! #

Gordon's alive! SHAUN STOPS DUMMING

Don't throw the Ryder! I've just managed to get him set.

You're confusing the Ryder!

Dum dum dum dum dum dum... Not now! We're done!

I don't want to make anyone feel bad,

but I don't know if I got that one. Sorry. We're going to throw it.

Pointer Sisters, I'm So Excited?

Oh, my goodness, you should be so excited, because that is the right answer! Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

This is even bleedin' worse, this!

You know what?

Elvis should have recorded that.

Next one, please.

Right, here we go.

# Dee dee dee

# Deeee

# Da-doo, da-doo

SHAUN BEATBOXES

# Doo doo doo

# Dooo

# Doo Doo

# Dur-nurr-nurr-nurr De dur-nurr-nurr... #

It's not the Prodigy.

The White Stripes.

I don't know.

The Arctic Stripes...

The Monkey People.

Young Things.

The Teenagers. The Kids.

I don't know.

At least he's honest.

We'll pass it.

Is it the A Team? Not even close.

Linkin Park, Faint. And here's how it should have sounded,

which was nothing like that.

INTRO PLAYS

I'm not surprised.

I forgot the beat.

That was Linkin Park with Faint.

In 2012, 19 people were injured at a Linkin Park concert.

That's the last time I go crowd-surfing.

Linkin Park were the first band to have over a billion hits on YouTube,

but only because the video was called

"Panda sneezing and two girls pooing in a cup".

OK, Noel and Jaymi, here are yours

for Sarah.

Cool.

BOTH: # Doo doo Doo doo

# Uh-ah-aaah

# Ooh ooh

# Tssh tssh tssh

# Ooh ah-aaah

# Ner ner ner nerrrr

# Tssh tssh tssh... #

Jaymi's doing B*Witched.

Yeah! # Ooh oooh-oooh! #

# Uh oh-oh-ooohhh. #

See, you did!

What are you like?

Um...

Can I have it again, without any B*Witched?

# Ba ba ah-aaah... #

Is it B*Witched? I don't know.

Any takers?

Any idea?

It actually was...

The Cardigans with Erase And Rewind.

And here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

Totally ruined.

Right, next one.

# Wah wah-ahhh

EVIL LAUGHTER FROM NOEL

# Wah wah-ahhh

MORE LAUGHTER

# Wah wah-ahhh... #

# Dum dum dum dum

# Dum dum dum dum dum Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

# Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

# Doo doo doo doo-doo

# Rum-dum dum dum dum

# Boo boo boo boo boo

# Rum-pum pa-da-bum... #

I love it, whatever it is.

I think it's awesome, especially the bit at the beginning,

with the laughing.

I don't know. I sort of like Take That.

Sorry.

So we'll count you out there.

I don't know. Sorry.

OK. It was...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

HE WHISTLES

It was Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz.

Absolutely right. You're right.

And here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

EVIL LAUGHTER

That was good, right?

SARAH: Your bit was better, if anything.

I DO know it now!

Good song.

There you go. I know it now!

So that was Gorillaz with Clint Eastwood.

When performing with Gorillaz, Damon Albarn

shares the stage with ludicrous two-dimensional characters.

I know the feeling. I worked with Anthea Turner for years.

MIXED AUDIENCE REACTION

We also heard the Cardigans with Erase And Rewind.

The Cardigans are from Scandinavia, and what is there not to love about Scandinavia?

Everybody loves a Swede, everybody loves a Danish

and most of all, everybody loves a happy Finnish.

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Phill's team, how about some early '90s saxo-funk?

For the audience in the studio and the viewers at home only,

here is Chad Jackson with Hear The Drummer (Get Wicked).

Hear the drummer get wicked!

Chad Jackson with Hear The Drummer (Get Wicked),

but which of our line-up is the real Chad Jackson?

Is it Number 1 -

Chad Jackson?

Number 2 - Michael Jackson?

Number 3 - Colin Jackson?

Number 4 - Basement Jackson?

Or Number 5- Sorry, Miss Jackson, I'm For Real?

I hesitate to say...do you remember this one?

Yeah.

Good! I do.

I remember the tune.

Admittedly, before the show, Shaun said,

"They might put one of the Mondays on. I probably wouldn't recognise them".

It is Bez! Number 2 is Bez!

The most magnificent cheekbones I've ever seen on a human being.

It's like a mixture of The Scream and Ian Brown.

Come on!

Do you remember this tune, Eamonn?

Did you used to bust moves on the floor to this one in the '90s?

IRISH ACCENT: I'm throwing some shapes!

My feet are on fire!

Phill, you're honing in on...

4.

Would the real Chad Jackson

please step forward?

Ohhhh!

Currently just putting the finishing touches

to the updated version of Hear The Drummer (Get Wicked),

Chad Jackson, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Noel, Jaymi and Sarah, great bit of music

coming up for you.

A bit of Geordie crooner pop.

For the audience in the studio and you viewers at home only,

here's Jimmy Nail with Ain't No Doubt.

# I don't want nobody else I love you

# She's lying

# There won't be somebody else And that's true

# She's lying

# Say you'll always be my friend Sweet darling

# Why does she pretend?

# Ain't no doubt, it's plain to see

# A woman like you's no good for me... #

Let's just say she's carrying that tune.

Ain't No Doubt, Jimmy Nail.

But which of our line-up is vocalist

Sylvia Mason-James, who duetted with Jimmy on that song?

Is it Number 1 - Ain't No Doubt?

Number 2 - Reasonable Doubt?

Number 3 - Twist And Doubt?

Number 4 - Mrs Doubtfire?

Or Number 5 - You Can Ask Her, But I Doubt It?

When did the song come out? I don't know the song.

Oh, bless you!

It was a great song! Do you know who Jimmy Nail is?

No. No? You're better off for it.

I've got that one on my iPod.

Have you? Yeah. Because I've got a playlist for when I drive home

with loads of Geordie people on singing...

What's on it?

Chris Rea's on and Sting's on...

Sting?! ..and Ant and Dec are on it.

STING?!

And Robson and Jerome.

It just makes me drive home quicker.

3's got a wicked barnet.

Number 5 looks really pissed off. She's like...

I don't think it's her.

Is that not....? That's sexy, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Not for me, but I think...

What?! Are you mental?!

No, just gay.

I didn't know! The whole group?

Whole group - what, all four of us? Yeah. No.

It's not that kind of party.

You'd never get any work done.

So, er, yes...3, maybe?

Let's find out

who is the real Sylvia Mason-James.

It is Number 3, yes!

She's still gigging across the UK.

Sylvia Mason-James!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, Phill's team

have one, and Noel's team have four.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, a lot of work to do.

We end with Next Lines.

Noel's team are in the lead so they get to go first.

And your time starts...

now.

A little less conversation.

A little more action.

By? Elvis. Well done.

Don't ever say you're lonely.

Just lay your problems on me.

Carry You by Union J, yes!

Strumming my pain with his fingers.

Singing my life with his words.

Yes. Killing Me Softly, Roberta Flack.

Everybody in the whole cell block.

Was doing the jailhouse rock.

Mmm...

Since I'm here, I gotta be real strict with y'all.

Dancing to the jailhouse rock.

# Was dancing to the jailhouse rock. # Well done.

Jailhouse Rock by Elvis, yes!

END OF ROUND JINGLE

That was very, very good.

What that means is you have got to get seven points to win.

Let's not waste any more time. Here we go.

I'm so excited.

I've just met Anthea Turner.

I am so excited.

IRISH ACCENT: Are you, now?

Yes!

And... I just can't hide it.

That's I'm So Excited by the Pointer Sisters, yes.

You ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Crying all the time.

Yes. By Elvis.

Remember me?

Shaun, do you remember anything?

I remember two of them.

GREG HUMS THE TUNE

What's that - remember me?

Remember me... HUMS

Whatever they say.

I'm the one who had your babies. By Blue Boy.

24-hour party people.

Plastic face can't smile the white out. Well done.

Happy Mondays. Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

END OF ROUND JINGLE

Was that performance enough?

The final scores...

Phill's team...

..have four.

And Noel's team are the winners with seven!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, there you go, that is it.

So thank you to Phill, Shaun Ryder, Greg McHugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

To Noel, to Jaymi from Union J and Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And as you enjoy the credits, we're going to write down some important events from the '90s,

to see if Shaun Ryder remembers any of them.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I've been Eamonn Holmes

and Elvis has left the building. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd