Episode 5 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

where we've been listening to your demands for a dream host.

Someone from America, someone who starred in smash hit programmes,

such as 30 Rock, Flight Of The Conchords, The Simpsons and Bob's Burgers.

Someone with curly brown hair and an interesting voice.

Someone called Kristen Schaal?

Well, we think we did pretty well, cos it's me, Kristen Schaal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Thank you so much. This really is, like, a dream job for me.

In fact, it almost feels like I'm dreaming right now.

Doesn't even feel real, does it? Is this real?

SHE SCREAMS Oh! Oh, my foot! Oh, my God.

It's, it's real. LAUGHTER

It's real.

OK, let's get started!

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team tonight...

MUSIC

..is a singer, a presenter

and the best kind of star you can be, a real one,

a reality star. And his new teeth can be seen from space.

It's Rylan Clark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an Irish comedian who says he feels the same

about St Patrick's day as the Japanese feel about Yo! Sushi.

What? It's convenient and delicious? Great! It's David O'Doherty!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

# You're nobody till somebody loves you. #

..is a singer who is rumoured to be going out with Rita Ora.

Although she's issued a counter rumour saying

he's probably wasting his time.

Why would she do that? Why would she say that?

It's James Arthur!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a radio presenter who now hosts John Field's former slot on Radio 1.

They say everyone that hosts John Field's slot dies...

Eventually. Good luck with that. It's Alice Levine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, as you know, I'm not from this country,

so I don't know lots about you,

so I thought I'd ask a few questions to get to know you better, OK?

Let's start with you, James Arthur. Hello. Hello.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

So is it true what Rita Ora said? Are you guys in love?

No, she's just my friend. Do you want to be in love with her?

I'm OK, I'm all right.

Yes? Yes. Have you ever been in love?

I'm in love with you, right now.

AUDIENCE: Ah...

That's all it takes? Yes. Yes.

You don't know what love is. OK... LAUGHTER

Alice Levine, hello. Hello!

So, you're a presenter? Sure, yes. Huh.

Have you met Tori Amos? Oh... No. Ah.

You look a lot like her.

Right, well, maybe that's why we've never met.

Because you're her? Because I'm her. LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos

Do you know that song? It's my song. That's... Love that one.

Have you met Beyonce? No.

Have you met Elizabeth Taylor? No.

Have you met Princess Diana?

No. What about, like, her ghost?

LAUGHTER

Have you met Kate Middleton?

No. What about the new one, George?

The bambino? Yes. Yes.

You've met him? No, sorry, I misheard. No, I haven't.

LAUGHTER

David O'Doherty! Yes.

We don't really need to get to know each other.

We've actually been friends for almost a decade. Yes.

In fact, you were at my wedding last year

and I asked you to give a toast

and you sang a song about how you were in love with me.

LAUGHTER

That was only part of the song. The rest was, yes, I did, actually, yes.

That was weird. Oh, God.

It was a weird, it was your wedding, it was your special day,

so I thought I'd try and ruin it, make it about me.

LAUGHTER

OK. Hi, Rylan. Hi, babe. You all right?

I don't need to get to know you, because I know everything about you.

For example, you were born in Corningham, Essex

in 1988 in October, a magical year.

Right? Your real name is Ross. Yes. I know why you changed it, Rylan

and you have an older brother, Jamie, who's a builder.

Right? Yes. You used to be in a Spanish boy band called 4bidden.

Yes! Caliente. SHE LAUGHS

And you stole the Big Brother job from Alice Levine.

No, I didn't! Did you not? Did you not? No! No! Yes.

No, I did not steal no job. Yes, you did.

Because in America you're really famous.

Yeah(!)

We have all kinds of monuments dedicated to you.

We do! Like this one...

See?

And then...

So let's begin with a round we like to call Guess Who?

Phill, Rylan and David, you're up first.

Whose faces have we morphed together here?

Whoa!

Nelly! I've slept with that.

Slept?! Not a wink, sir!

It's a slightly Hitler-y hair at the top.

Did Hitler have any songs?

Oh, yeah! Hitler had a whole catalogue of songs.

Really?

# Here we come, marching down your street... #

That's Williams. Look at those eyes, come on.

Them eyes are beautiful. You just love the eyes?

I love Robbie. We met him on X Factor, didn't we, James?

He come down and halfway through his performance he shouted out,

"Vote Rylan!" For the craic. For the crack? For the craic.

Half of our celebrity on the monitor is Robbie Williams.

This has now been established. OK, yeah. The second half.

It looks like Rihanna. Rihanna. Guaranteed.

Well, let's see if you're right.

Woo-hoo!

Yeah!

But which of these two has paid for a man to sit in the Mojave desert

and give them round the clock updates about any alien activity?

I got a visa to go to America recently and it says,

"David O'Doherty is an alien with extraordinary ability" on it.

What, for genuine? That's the wording on it.

Is that why that man says it in the song?

# I'm an Englishman I'm a legal alien... #

Sting! That man. Yeah.

Yeah, Sting. It's got an educational element to it now as well.

I think we picked alien instead of, like, "stranger".

You shouldn't talk to strangers. Right.

Aliens, you have to make friends with them. You really do.

Put them in the basket in front of the bike. Yup.

Dress them up as your little sister.

And touch their magic glowing finger.

So it's in the desert. Yeah. Where's the desert? Mojave desert.

I don't know what that means. It means it's a desert called Mojave.

Where's that? It's in America.

So one of them has someone there... Watching and waiting.

When I was on X Factor I spoke to Robbie.

We actually were speaking about aliens.

I think you were there as well. Were you there, James? I don't recall.

You were probably asleep. I was asleep.

You get sleepy often, don't you, James? Yeah.

It's cos you're growing.

You're like a sort of koala.

I noticed that about you in the green room.

I'm very koala-esque. Koala's have... Is it syphilis or gonorrhoea.

There's some STD that koalas all have.

They are riddled. Is that where it comes from?

Yeah, somebody was getting a little too snuggly with a koala.

James has put it about so much... James is the source.

"Koala syphilis? That was me."

I'm just a big koala slag. I just like to go around...

Have you ever imagined a sloth making love? Just like...

Ugh!

Even slower though.

It's very easy to imagine

because the sloth has already got the come face, hasn't it?

Is that your come face?

It's not just one - you have a range.

Oh, let's see your best one, please. My best one? Yeah.

ARGH!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Alice, you got one?

Mine's just simple, mine's just...

Ah, the two thumbs! As we call it, the McCartney.

You're so well-spoken I'd think your one would be like,

"Hi, I'm Alice Levine."

Why am I only introducing myself at that point?

"By the way, I'm Alice Levine."

Rylan.

I can't sit here and do a come face, I'm so sorry.

I've got it on my phone, hang on a second.

What's yours, Noel? You can download mine from iTunes.

Great.

Rylan, what exactly did Robbie Williams say to you about aliens?

I was saying, "Oh, yeah, I once saw something."

Well, I thought I saw something in the sky and he was like,

"I'm really into all of that." But it's the fact that you said aliens

and I remember that chat with Robbie, I'm thinking maybe it's him.

So using our inside man,

quiz master Schaal,

Robbie Williams.

I speak to Rihanna a lot and she never brings up aliens.

Guess what? You're wrong!

Because she's convinced

that extraterrestrial beings exist and she pays a sky scanner

to keep her up to date on any sightings in the area.

Yeah, your conversations with Rihanna are bullshit!

Noel, James, Alice - hello!

Now, have a look at this and tell me who the two celebrities are.

I don't think they're very well, whoever it is. That's not nice.

I think I've figured out who the mouth is. Really?

Go for it. Yeah, but would it not be boring to give it away straight away?

No, you should definitely tell your team what's in your head.

OK. You should not say anything now. E-mail me in six months' time.

I think it's Mick Jagger.

The whole thing? No, just the bottom half.

Is it Beyonce's backing dancer?

Is it Kelly Rowland?

Why don't we see if you're right?

Is it Mick Jagger meets Kelly Rowland?

Yes, it is!

Amazing!

Now, here's another question for you.

Which one of these two people spent ten hours lost at sea?

Without a boat or...?

No, they had a boat. They had a boat. Yeah.

I don't think Kelly Rowland would travel by boat.

I once met Kelly Rowland. I genuinely did.

She was on this show. Does that mean I've met her? Yes, yes.

Literally no memory... This one, this one here.

I know which one she is.

That's the annoying thing about the brain.

I can remember burning toast this morning but I can't remember that.

What's the point?

You must have been here.

I am terribly sorry

but I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to work on a new face.

So what do you guys think?

I don't think Jagger would get lost.

I think he's got a great internal GPS.

The Mick Jagger GPS?

"OK, turn left."

HE MUMBLES LIKE MICK JAGGER

"If you're going to turn left, I'm fucking getting out of the car."

Noel, team captain, I need an answer. Do you know what?

I love you two so you go for it.

Whatever you feel, I'll back you all the way.

There's so much pressure.

In my heart, the answer is Jagger.

In my soul,

in my soul...

the answer is Kelly.

I'm saying Jagger, I'm saying Jagger.

I think it's Kelly Rowland. Is that your final answer?

Apparently so. I'm livid, but apparently so.

Well, you need to lighten up because Kelly Rowland is the right answer!

Kelly Rowland spent ten hours lost at sea earlier this year.

She said she prayed to God for two bars of phone reception

and her prayers were answered.

God sent two bars down from the sky.

Kelly Rowland has dashed fans' hopes for a Destiny's Child reunion,

insisting the girls are too busy

just enjoying each other's friendship.

Michelle and Kelly regularly meet up outside the electrified gates

of Beyonce's mansion.

At the end of that round, Phill's team have one

and Noel's team have two.

Dance break!

MUSIC: "Cornflake Girl" by Tori Amos

You like that? You love this.

OK. MUSIC STOPS

Time now for the Intros Round.

Phill and Rylan, here are yours for David.

Thank you very much.

This is an interesting mashup of styles right here.

I can't wait to hear this.

Your Honour, my defendant here,

a simple boy with a mouth and a dream...

HE SINGS NOTES RHYTHMICALLY

# Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah

# Byah-byah-byah. #

Firstly, it's really good.

What era is it from? My era.

Your era? Yeah.

You got your own era?

I'm sorry, I don't listen to the same things as you.

May we extend the gift of that song to team two? You may, Phill.

That was so nice of you. Thank you.

It's Snoop Doggy Dogg. Oh, God, no!

What's the name of the song? Snoop Dogg with Snoop Doggy Dogg.

The title is wrong!

What are the rules of this show? Can we get it back?

King Koala came in strong and then passed out

in a eucalyptus tree.

Came out and went, "Snoop Dogg."

Yeah, but what's the name of the song?

Wake him up!

Is it What's My Name by Snoop Dogg?

No. Oh!

Is it just Snoop Dogg?

No! Gosh, get over it.

The title of the song is Who Am I?

None of you know.

We did know who he was, we just didn't know what he was asking.

We just didn't know... Let's hear how it should have sounded,

even though that was really good.

MUSIC: "Who Am I?" by Snoop Dogg

It's a good tune.

All right, next one, please.

OK. So you do two bars of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. I really want to get this.

HE MIMICS ROCK GUITAR

THEY SING NOTES RHYTHMICALLY

Oh!

APPLAUSE

This is the worst round ever. I know! It's so hard!

But you just keep doing the same thing again and again.

If I don't know it the first time, if you do it 36 times, I'm not going

to suddenly go, "Oh, I'll tell you what this is, it's some Snoop song."

It's not Snoop!

I know it's not Snoop!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm passing it over to Noel's team. Again, King Koala's come in strong.

I'm not just a koala bear.

It's Sum 41.

In Too Deep. No.

Again, no!

It is Sum 41 and the name of it is Fatlip!

And here's how it sounds.

MUSIC: "Fatlip" by Sum 41

Ah, the sound of angry youth!

So great.

That was Sum 41 with Fatlip.

Now, Sum 41's first album was called Does This Look Infected?

At the time the lead singer was going out with Paris Hilton.

You do the sum.

41.

I'm sorry, I feel really bad saying that.

Because Paris Hilton has all the money

and I might need to borrow some some day.

I'm really sorry, Paris.

But you want this.

The more people say your name the more you exist.

Paris! Paris! Paris! What am I doing?

We also heard Snoop Dogg with Who Am I?

Snoop Dogg recently offered advice as to what to do

if you're too high.

Put your face in mayonnaise.

It doesn't do anything but it does alert everyone else to the fact

you're ripped off your tits.

OK, well done, sort of, but not really at all.

Moving on.

Noel and James, here you go, here are your songs to sing to Alice.

I don't know how we're going to do this.

What's going to happen is, you're going to come down from your tree,

you almost get everything right

and then right at the end you fuck it up for everyone.

But I like that about you. Thanks, Noel.

OK, get ready to be disappointed. I am so ready for disappointment.

HE HUMS RHYTHMICALLY

HE MIMICS FAST GUITAR

I don't know what I'm doing.

APPLAUSE

Is this a real person song?

A real person's song? Yeah, is it like an actual song?

No, it's an imaginary person's song.

I feel like it's that bad guy.

Is it Libertines. Can't Stand Me Now? Yes. It is!

Alice!

Nice!

Here's another version of it, even though that was so gorgeous.

MUSIC: "Can't Stand Me Now" by The Libertines

That bit helped me.

Next one, please!

All right, ready?

HE SINGS NOTES RHYTHMICALLY

THEY BOTH SING NOTES RHYTHMICALLY

Yeah... Oh, sorry, still going.

Smashed it.

It's Madonna. It's...

What do you say?

# Holiday. #

And here's how it sounds, even though

you guys sounded way better than this.

MUSIC: "Holiday" by Madonna

Sorry, guys.

So, that means at the end of that round, Phill's team have two

and Noel's team have three.

MUSIC: "Professional Widow" by Tori Amos

Your song.

We're all going to have a healthy appreciation for Tori Amos

before this night is over.

All right, Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Which means it's time for one of those ludicrous over-blown,

self-important, X Factor entrances.

Please welcome the ex-X Factor line-up.

APPLAUSE

From our line-up,

can you spot the person who has never been on the X Factor?

Is it number one, X Factor.

Number two, G-Spot.

Number three, Y Chromosome.

Number four, C Word.

Or Number five, O, my God.

Hot.

This is like my dream day out.

Tell us why.

I recognise, I think,

the four. What about the guy from the 17th century?

Five to me looks like, if you were to distil

all of X Factor down into one individual, that would be five.

Two is Jade Ellis, three is Kimberly Southwick, four is Wagner,

one and five, I recognise them both, but one, I think, was an over,

so I'm going to say five wasn't on X Factor and was on The Voice

but I might be making it up.

Let's find out. Would the ex-X Factor impostor please step forward.

Yeah!

Now still working as a professional extra for hire,

Jordan, ladies and gentlemen.

And thanks to my real ex-X factor finalists - Niki Evans,

Jade Ellis, Kimberley Southwick, and Wagner.

Now, James and Alice, here's your line-up of pop stars.

MUSIC: "What's New Pussycat?" by Tom Jones

You're going to match the famous pop star to the animal that they

kept as a pet.

But before that, can you tell us who the pop stars are supposed to be?

I reckon that's Slash on the right.

We've got maybe Kurt Cobain.

Miley Cyrus.

Britney. That's Britney? No.

That's Steven Tyler. Are you sure it's not Bonnie Tyler?

Five... Got to be Elvis, right?

But which pop star owned the pet?

I just can't see any of them having any of these pets.

Well, they did!

They all had one of those pets.

Who had a raccoon?

Nobody looks comfortable holding that dead racoon.

I reckon Slash has got a snake. I agree.

There's no way Kurt Cobain had a raccoon.

Why would you have a raccoon anyway?

Kurt Cobain was too busy doing other stuff to look after a racoon.

I think Kurt Cobain had a turtle.

Kurt Cobain, can you hold that turtle

and give the racoon back to Miley?

No... Stay where you are.

I think we should swap the pig and the racoon.

OK. You'll never hear that sentence said again.

He tripped on Bonnie.

You're happy with what you're looking at?

I'm not happy with what I'm looking at in general.

Is that it? Is that your final? I feel really comfortable now. You do?

Yeah. All right. Would the line-up please reveal their pets?

You only got one right. It was Slash and the python.

You messed it all up. Clearly Elvis had a kangaroo.

Steven Tyler had a racoon, everybody knows that.

Miley Cyrus and her famous pig and Kurt Cobain, a turtle,

just like him.

Elvis had a kangaroo?

Maybe as a wallaby cos you imagine going like, "Wallaby!" like that.

Kangaroo? Wallaby.

All right, the celebrity pet owners, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, at the end of that round, Phill's team have three

and Noel's team have three. It's a tie!

We end with Next Lines.

Phill's team, you can go first and your time starts now.

Honey, bring it close to my...? Body. No.

It's honey, bring it close to my lips.

Professional Widow by Tori Amos.

You bet your life it is...?

# You bet your life. #

No, it's oh, you bet your life. Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos.

I can't put this day back...?

But I can... Be shrill on my new album. On a piano.

No. A sorta fairytale. A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos.

And I'm so sad...?

That all these Tori Amos songs are happening.

Like a good book. A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos.

END-OF-ROUND BUZZER

Right, so Noel's team, you need one point to win.

OK, can you believe it?

All we hear is radio ga ga...?

Radio goo goo.

Radio Ga Ga by Queen. PHILL: No!

END-OF-ROUND BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Take her back to America!

Suck it!

All right, so the final scores are - Phill's team have three

and they have left because they are sore losers

and Noel's team has four and you have won!

APPLAUSE

So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Rylan Clark and David O'Doherty.

Noel, James Arthur and Alice Levine. Thank you.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Kristen Schaal and as you enjoy the credits we're going to look

back at some of the most memorable moments from Rylan's teeth tonight.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd