Episode 4 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

Please welcome your host for this evening,

all the way from the radio,

which is no different from the TV, except for the cameras...

It's Sara Cox!

MUSIC: "Chase Status" by Blind Faith ft. Liam Bailey

Hello, hello, hello,

and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Sara Cox, and on Phill's team tonight

is a singer who played

the UK's first ever show on Facebook,

saying, "It was really strange performing

"without any faces looking back at me."

Now you know how Matt Cardle feels when he's on tour.

It's Eliza Doolittle.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a stand-up comedian

who was inspired after going to see Jimmy Carr.

He went straight to his mum and said,

"When I grow up, I'm never going to pay tax". It's Matt Richardson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight...

a singer who was born in the tiny Australian town of Mullumbimby

and had to travel to Sydney to take part in rap battles.

It's the inspiration for the film 4,728 Mile.

It's Iggy Azalea.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And one of the most loved sports presenters in the country.

He was best known for his work on the BBC

and since becoming the face of BT Sport,

he's still best known for his work on the BBC.

It's Jake Humphrey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Buzzcocks' Advisory Explicit Content.

I'll show you a series of pop videos

that have been bleeped and blurred by us.

All you've got to do is decide which of the videos actually needed censoring

due to explicit content.

Phill, Eliza and Matt, let's have a look at yours.

# Giant steps are what you take

# BLEEP on the moon

# I hope my legs don't break

# BLEEP on the moon... #

# Blurred lines

# I know you want it

# But you're a good girl... #

# Don't you know I'm still standing

# Better than I've ever been

# BLEEP like a true survivor

# BLEEP like a little kid... #

# I know some day that it'll all turn out

# You'll make me work so we can work to work it out

# And I promise you, kid

# that I'll give so much more than I get

# I just haven't BLEEP you yet... #

That was my favourite.

So that was the Police, Robin Thicke, Elton John and Michael Buble.

But who was genuinely being explicit in their pop video?

So Buble was running across some freezers in a supermarket.

It could be Bubes.

Might it be him? Have you met any of these people?

I met Buble once. He married the girl in the video.

I met her as well. Couldn't he just have paid her?

Eliza, have you met Robin Thicke?

No. Good. Don't.

Stay away from that man. You listen to your Auntie Sara.

Stay away. Dish!

Tell us about him. Oh, nowt, really.

He leaves a bit of a slick behind him.

Phwoarr, phwoarr!

I know what you want to do to stop that - salt.

Yeah!

And then we had Elton John, Still Standing.

Yeah. I remember reading an article about him, where he said that

in an average weekend, he'd do an ounce of cocaine,

and pots and pots and pots of whelks.

You'd do the cocaine and think, "Seafood!

"We're going to Margate!"

Cheap whizz and crabsticks.

In that video where they all fell over,

do you think that was on purpose, or just one guy at the front just...?

They shouldn't have put Wobbly Bob at the front - he always falls over.

Bob's like, "Sorry!"

Wobbly Bob!

So, whose video has really been censored for being a massive rudey-pants?

The Thickeness. Robin Thicke.

You're absolutely right. It was Robin Thicke.

Robin Thicke there with Blurred Lines, which we had to censor because, aside from loads

of naked ladies, he blew up some balloons

saying "Robin Thicke has a big...widgie".

Oh to be there and change the word "has" for "is"!

That would have been good.

I think that says "Robin Thicke has a big duck".

The way she's stood, though, makes it look like "Robin Thicke has a bi duck".

This bisexual duck that also likes geese as well.

For a bonus point, can you tell me where the song Blurred Lines

has been banned from being played?

Is it A - student unions,

B - from a leading opticians

or is it C - from Buckingham Palace?

Where's the song been banned from?

Opticians.

Cos they can't take a joke, famously.

I don't like the opticians, cos I don't like being in a dark room,

when the lady puts her face so close to me

and it's so dark, I just want to go "mwah!" on her.

It is weird, isn't it? "And what about if I do this?"

It's really freaky.

"Which one's clearer - the red or the green?"

And sometimes you say "Green" and they go "Really?"

Did anybody else used to pretend...?

My eyes were all right when I was at school, and they'd do one of those rubbish eye tests

and they'd show you summat and you'd have to identify a number in it to see if you were colour blind,

and everyone was desperate to be colour blind, so you'd be like

"seven" though you could clearly see it was a nine.

JAKE: See, I am colour blind,

and I did have the dots test when I was seven years old and my grandpa was a policeman

and I always wanted to be a cop.

And at seven years old, I failed the colour blindness test

and they went, "You are colour blind. There's a list of jobs you can't do."

ALL: Aww!

What was at the top? Police officer.

I can't believe that policeman was at the top.

What about rainbow shepherd?

Why can't you be a policeman? I don't understand.

I think when I say, "The guy took off in the brown car" and they're all looking for the brown car...

"It was a guy with long blond hair and a brown jumper"

and they're running around West London looking for you...

All right, I've got it now.

We've got to leave the colour blind thing now.

I can't, though, can I?

So, your answer, then?

I've forgotten what we were doing.

Student unions.

But students are allowed to do anything.

Not really. Aren't they?

Oh, it's Freshers' - I killed a guy!

That's your final answer? I think it'll be the student unions.

You're absolutely right. It is the student unions. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Blurred Lines was banned from a number of British student unions,

as they said it encourages misogynistic culture.

Robin Thicke didn't go to university,

but neither did his mates Nick Numpty and Derek Durbrain.

Many of you know who Robin Thicke is.

He's the guy who twerked with Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.

I used to have a dog who used to twerk all the time,

but it turned out to be worms.

Noel's team, have a look at this. Tell me which of the following pop stars really did need censoring.

# Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

# The first BLEEP is the deepest

# Baby, I know

# The first BLEEP is the deepest... #

# BLEEP like an Egyptian

# BLEEP like an Egyptian... #

# Could have entered me lightly

# Restoring my blisses... #

# What we want to

# It's our house We can love who we want to

# It's our song We can sing if we want to

# It's my mouth I can BLEEP what I want to... #

There you go. Rod Stewart, the Bangles, Bjork and Miley Cyrus.

Who was being actually explicit in their pop video? Who's the rudey-pants?

There's so much there that blew my mind.

Rod Stewart's haircut...

Is it similar to mine or not? I got a bit paranoid when I saw the video.

No, no. Not as good, yours.

I don't mind.

I will bow down to Rod. Not in that way. That's disgusting.

LAUGHTER

Excuse me, your laugh is not acceptable.

It's like you've carried a goat in.

My dad used to have a goat and the vet said it was the biggest...

He's a farmer. He was called Leroy.

Not me dad - the goat was called Leroy.

It was about this big. I never liked it. I was happy when it died. Sorry, Dad.

If ever you see a goat and you want it to skip away,

just give it a tickle under its tail.

Same with Jake, actually.

And I was thinking I would be left out of the conversation because I know nothing about music.

What do you think, Iggy? I had a goat too.

Iggy had a goat! I knew we'd bond over something. What was it called?

Georgica.

Georgica? Yeah. Not Georgia, Georgica.

I had to give it away to my mum's friend and I would visit it sometimes

and see it, like, "Uh, there you are!"

NOEL GUFFAWS

Who else was on there? Miley Cyrus?

I'm looking at that video and thinking,

"Someone needs to explain to her what you do on an exercise bike", because that is not it.

Just rubbing herself around the place.

Billy Ray must be furious.

What's happened to Miley? She's just sort of gone a bit mad.

I don't know, but at the VMAs, her tongue looked like a big piece of Spam

or like...

It is quite fascinating, the way she moves around.

But she had a lot of metal objects.

Maybe she's got a magnetic vagina.

How do you feel about the whole, you know, rubbing yourself on the fixtures?

I don't know. I've been spayed, so...

Which one, then? Who do you think...?

Bjork was naked.

You know a little bit about that stuff, don't you?

Well, it doesn't count as being nude if you don't have breasts.

Mine are quite small, so it's technically just nipples.

And that's legal.

What inspired your desire for nakedness?

I think that would probably have to be...

Bon Jovi.

Jon Bon? Mm-hm. I saw him once.

Did you? In London, yeah. Is he very small?

He's about the size of an iPhone.

But your grandparents will see that.

No, no, they won't see that.

It's on the internet. They're not...

AUSSIE ACCENT: "Bob, somebody phoned up and said our Iggy was on the internet in the nude!"

"Put that goat down. We've got to look at this internet."

Grandparents are the most liberal people in the world.

They've seen everything. People always imagine old people are going to go, "Aargh!"

When really, they just go, "Yeah, another pair of tits."

What's your answer, then? Jon Bon Jovi.

He's not in the list. He should be.

You haven't done your research.

I think it's Bjork. You think it's Bjork? Definitely.

That's the right answer. Well done.

The answer was Bjork with Cocoon, which we censored

because she had red ribbons shooting from her nipples.

I wouldn't mind that, really.

If you like a fun run, you could do the finishing line...

Like that!

Kids' hair in the morning... "Here you go, darling - pigtails."

That one's a bit weird, admittedly.

For a bonus point, can you tell me what Bjork did in her video Pagan Poetry

that was so graphic that it actually got her banned from MTV?

Was it A - she interfered with a druid...?

Was it she made a corset out of her own skin

or she ate a cat?

Is there an option for all of the above?

I think it's the skin thing, isn't it?

You think she made a corset out of her own skin. Absolutely right. Well done. Yes!

So, in the video for Pagan Poetry, Bjork is seen making a corset out of her own skin.

Bjork, the second nuttiest woman in Iceland,

just after Kerry Katona.

Time for the Intros round. Noel and Iggy, here are yours

for the lovely Jake. Here we go. Good luck.

Are you excited?

I'm scared!

Come on, Iggy, you can do it.

Draw on the inner artist.

Wow, you're so tall, it's ridiculous!

I don't even know any of these.

# Der-der der der-der der der

# Der der der der der der

# Der-der der der-der der der

# Der-der der der-der der der Der der der der der der... #

Am I only getting half the performance here, or is this meant to be you on your own?

I told you, I don't know this song.

What if I give you Charades help?

OK, ready?

PHILL LAUGHS

Pretend I'm a man.

# Der-der der der-der der der Der der der der der der

# Der-der der der-der der der... #

It's not Miley Cyrus.

# Der-der der der-der der der Der der der der der der

# Der-der der der-der der der Der der der der der der... #

I've never felt more uncomfortable in a television studio in my life!

What are they doing?!

Did it help at all, Jake?

It helped me!

A gorgeous woman pretending to masturbate on Noel Fielding

and you're asking me to name the song?!

Pretend Noel is a girl.

OK.

Now do the song again.

Going again, are you? Seems a waste not to!

Noel, I'm really confused now...

He's a girl! Just go with it.

# Der-der der der-der der der Der der der der der der

# Der-der der der-der der der Der der der der der der... #

AUSSIE ACCENT: Bob, we've had the neighbours on the phone again!

Apparently Iggy's been rubbing herself up and down against the girl out of the Addams Family.

APPLAUSE

Any ideas? Oh, yes, I've got loads of ideas about what that might be(!)

Don't let the visual... It must be difficult for you because you can't see colours.

It's right in front of your face!

I know it's right in front of my face! Any idea, Jake?

What are you getting from that, apart from maybe...?

I'm getting the Snow Queen and Mr Tumnus.

What about you, Sara? How's that working out for you?

I must say that Iggy's bottom looked like it was being worked by a couple of puppeteers from behind.

It was awesome.

It was like...

"Hey, Bert!" "Hey, Ernie!" Like that.

But in a bottom. It was brilliant.

Iggy has got some moves.

I'm going to pass it over. Any ideas?

I think I need to see it about eight more times.

Gay Bar, Electric Six? Yes, it is! Well done.

SONG PLAYS

I don't know...

Yes!

# You

# I want to take you to a gay bar... #

So, go on, then - go for it!

OK, so I don't know what physical movements you're going to have to do...

I know exactly what to do.

If we don't get our own spin-off show, I'm going to be furious.

SUNDRY GRUNTS AND SQUEAKS FROM NOEL

MORE THROATY GRUNTING

IGGY SQUEALS MANIACALLY

Baaah!

Ba-da-dah!

Jay, an answer?

Sorry. No idea either? OK.

It actually was Jamiroquai with Feels Just Like It Should.

Here's how it should have sounded.

SONG INTRO PLAYS

# Bow-ba-ba-bow-ow! # Why didn't you do this bit?

Jamiroquai's recently designed a 20-piece clothing collection.

I'm not sure what the 20 pieces were,

but I'm guessing one of them was a stupid hat.

We also heard Electric Six with Gay Bar.

Now, Electric Six's video for Gay Bar featured a series of homosexual Abraham Lincolns

and they were dubbed the Gaybrahams.

Bit out of date, to be honest.

Why didn't they just go with Barack O'Bummer?

The video for Gay Bar contained sexual metaphors

such as a train going into a tunnel.

Although if it was actually going to reflect some of the activities I've heard about in gay bars,

there would be lots of trains going into lots of tunnels

while lots of other trains stood around watching.

Phill and Eliza, here are yours for Matt.

There you go.

See that there? Yes.

OK? OK.

Here we go.

# De-ding de doo Dong ding de-dong

# Ding ding doo Ding doo

# Di-di-di-li-di bing ding

# Jing jing jing

# Jing jing jing Jing jing jing Jing jing jing

# Jing jing jing Jing jing jing Jing jing jing... #

You're standing there singing "Gin, gin, gin!" You're like my mum.

I don't know it. You've no idea?

OK, pass it over to the others. Is it Blur? With...?

Coffee And TV? Yes, it is.

Well done! Exactly right.

And here's how it should have sounded. Let's have a listen.

INTRO PLAYS

No, never. You're joking?! No, never heard this.

When were you born?

Before this came out.

Nice. That's nice. Next one, then.

One, two, three, four...

# Mwow mwow mwow mwow-mwow Ding ding!

# Tshhhhhhhhhhh... #

I can't do the bwoof and the mwow-ow at the same time.

There's too much going on at once.

I'll do the bwoof.

# Bwoof, bwoof, bwoof, bwoof

# Mwow mwow mwow mwow-mwow Ding ding!

# Bwoof, bwoof, bwoof, bwoof

# Mwow mwow mwow mwow-mwow Ding ding!

# Bwoof, bwoof, bwoof, bwoof... #

I mean, I don't even know it and I'm in the band now.

I've got no idea. No idea?

No clue, sorry. Any idea over here? You can nick a point.

That was equally confusing for us, I'm pleased to say.

To make you feel better.

OK, it's actually Room 5 and Make Luv.

Here's how it should have sounded.

FUNKY INTRO PLAYS

Ah, when you hear it, you see - Balearic. Woo!

Yeah, it's nice.

You also heard Blur with Coffee And TV.

Damon Albarn was recently named the fourth greatest front man

of all time, which sounds incredible,

until you realise it was a survey of Blur.

In 2001,

a cleaner at EMI accidentally threw away priceless photos of Blur on tour.

Now, the cleaner wasn't sacked, because she also threw away a demo tape from Blue,

which she then went on to receive a BRIT Award

for Outstanding Contribution to Music.

Well done, her.

So that means at the end of that round, Phill's team have three

and Noel's team have three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Noel, Iggy and Jake, how about a little mid-'90s forgetto pop?

For the audience only, here are Deuce with I Need You.

Hi! We're Deuce.

It's Thursday night. It's seven o'clock...

It must be... ALL: Top Of The Pops!

# I need you

# To show me the way

# Every day it's stronger and stronger

# I need you

# In every way

# What can I say to keep you satisfied?

That was Deuce there with Call It Love.

But which of our line-up is band member Paul Holmes?

Is it Number 1 - Deuce?

Number 2 - Double fault?

Number 3 - New balls, please?

Number 4 - You cannot be serious?

Or Number 5 - Out?

Noel's team.

I'm so jealous of Number 4.

It's only October. He thinks it's November.

Number 4's lovely, He looks like he should be on a strong mustard tin.

Madam, try my mustard!

Doesn't he?

Great 'tache. Have you ever tried to grow a 'tache, Jake?

I couldn't. This is like two days' growth for me.

I'm looking at Phill. He's a special man.

Special bear! Special bear.

I'd like to take him home and cuddle him.

That can be arranged.

Iggy, which of those men would you be most likely to go a date with?

Just out of curiosity?

4 is the only one who looks like he has any pubic hair,

so I'm going to go with him.

Iggy's got a method for this. Go on.

It's a scientific fact... OK.

..that singers are the shortest people in the room.

Besides me - I'm the exception.

But that guy, I knew he was the guy, because he was the shortest guy,

and that's why we have to go with 2, because he's clearly the shortest.

Number 5's got a fresh face.

It's not. It's 2. Twinkle.

I don't think it's 3...

It's 2.

The white jackets... Was that their look, Deuce?

No, they're all mine.

It's 2. What? They're my jackets.

They're your jackets? Yeah.

I think 2 looks a bit like Joe Pasquale.

You definitely think it's 2?

I can see some sort of Iggy rage coming out

if I don't go with 2.

The way he's smiling...

He knows that it's true about entertainers! That's why he's smiling!

He's like, "You're onto something!"

Well, if it's him...

It's him, man!

AUSSIE ACCENT: Bob, you should send a goat across to England to calm Iggy down!

Are you going to go with 2?

I just feel like I have to go with the whole height thing.

Let's see if she's right. Will the real Paul Holmes please step forward?

Just saying...just saying...

Still quite petite.

About to release a brand-new single - Paul Holmes, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phill's team, how about some classic early '90s Euro-dance?

For the audience only, this is amazing.

Here is Haddaway with What Is Love?

# What is love?

# Baby, don't hurt me

# Don't hurt me

# No more

# What is love?

# Baby, don't hurt me

# Don't hurt me

# No more... #

So that was Haddaway with What Is Love?

But which of our line-up is Haddaway?

Is it Number 1 - Haddaway?

Number 2 - Had a go?

Number 3 - Had a wife?

Number 4 - Had a string of convictions?

Or Number 5 - Had a shit time on Buzzcocks?

Phill.

I feel like Number 1's got something in his eyes.

The way he's staring, cataracts, surely?

Number 4 looks like a slightly melted Ian Wright.

Tussauds left his waxwork out the back.

ELIZA: I think it's 2.

It's 2.

I think it's 4 - he looks like he had fun in the '90s.

I never ever saw it performed,

and Eliza and Matt

are both 12.

2. You're going for Number 2?

OK, let's find out. Will the real Haddaway

please step forward?

Still gigging, with up to 100 shows a year,

it's Haddaway, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

At the end of that round, Phill's team have three and Noel's team also have three.

So, then, we're going to end with Next Lines.

Phill's team, we're going to begin with you, if that's OK.

That's OK, Sara Cox.

What is love?

Don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me...at all.

No more. Nearly.

What Is Love? by Haddaway.

It's just to test your ability.

It's your song! Oh, yeah!

It's just to test your ability. Come on!

# It's just to test your ability... #

Let's count...

To infinity. Yes! Pack Up Your Troubles by Eliza Doolittle. Well done.

You've got to fight for your right...

ALL: ..to party!

Beastie Boys. Make love and listen to the music.

Everybody does.

You've got to let yourself go. Yes, Make Luv, Room 5.

Don't stop me now.

I've got to go. No!

I'm having such a good time.

Yes, Don't Stop Me Now by Queen.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need four points to win, OK?

Just the four points. You ready? Yeah.

Time starts now. Oops! I did it again.

I played with your heart.

Got lost in the game. Yes, Iggy! Oops! I Did It Again, Britney Spears.

I've been up all night, trying to get that rich.

Tea biscuit.

It's you, Iggy!

It's you, Iggy! Go on!

Oh, my God, I don't know this! I've been up all night, trying to get that rich. It's your song.

I've been work, work, work, work, work, work, work,

working on my shit.

Work by Iggy Azalea. Very good.

Dum diddy dum diddy-duddy dum dum.

# Dum, da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum dum dum dum. #

# Ner ner ner

# Ba-ba bum ba-ba-bum bum bum bum

# Ner ner ner

# Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa-wa

# Da da dum da dum doo... #

The Chain by Fleetwood Mac. I think Phill should get the point for that one.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

# I knew you were trouble

# When you walked in...

# Now I'm laying on the cold hard ground... #

NO!

WHOA! Goat! Goat!

Goat!

Real goat, NOW!

YOU MISSED A WHOLE LINE!

I hate it when Mummy and Daddy shout.

So shame on me now. Trouble by Taylor Swift.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the final scores, then. Phill's team have six

and Noel's team have seven.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that's it, then. Thanks very much to Phill, Eliza Doolittle and Matt Richardson,

to Noel, Iggy Azalea and Jake Humphrey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Sara Cox.

As you enjoy the credits, we're going to replace ourselves

with a member of the audience who we think looks most like us. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd