Episode 3 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host

for this evening, Peter Andre.

MUSIC: "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks - My Life.

I'm Peter Andre. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

VOICE-OVER: Peter settles down to host the ailing pop quiz.

So far, so good, as Peter prepares to introduce the teams.

On Phill's team tonight...

..is the lead singer of the Scissor Sisters, the only band to be

named after a sexual position, apart from Take That.

It's Ana Matronic.

APPLAUSE

And a judge on Stepping Out, ITV's bold

and original celebrity ballroom dancing show.

Next week he's a guest on ITV's bold new pop quiz

Never Mind the Cockbuzz.

It's Jason Gardiner.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team...

is the bass guitarist with the White Lies, Charles Cave,

which is, coincidentally, the Queen's nickname for Camilla.

It's Charles Cave.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian, originally from Canada,

but who makes his living in Britain.

Honestly, these foreign celebrities come over here with a weird act,

take advantage of the good nature of this great country...

It's Tony Law!

APPLAUSE

We begin with a round called Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

Noel, Charles and Tony, check this out.

# As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

# I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left...#

That's right, it's crazy-haired, temperature-driven rapper Coolio.

# But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it

# Me be treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of

# Been spending most our lives

# Living in the Gangsta's Paradise...#

That was Coolio with Gangsta's Paradise.

But what did Coolio do that meant he had to flee his house?

Did he, A - get chased out of the house by his girlfriend after

bringing home a woman with the hope that she would agree to a threesome?

Did he, B - flee after all the animals

from his private zoo escaped?

Did he, C - flee to escape a chip-pan fire?

He had a dinosaur in his private zoo.

Is he selling off his royalties to have cooking lessons?

That's what we heard.

We heard that he can no longer express himself

through the body of music.

It's true. And he's going to make ham sandwiches or something instead.

Because no-one in the history of the world has ever been able to

express themselves through the music.

Just not happened! I don't feel nothing.

Cooking - mmm!

If I'm furious I just show someone a shepherd's pie.

Oh, yeah. I find that they really quickly know that I'm angry.

Souffle? That's foreplay.

Threesome - we've all been there, it's always the wrong idea.

Am I right?

Always a bad idea.

It's got to be that, that's the most, like, human-like thing.

I like the idea of him having a display stand for his sexual handcuffs,

as opposed to just pulling them out the drawer.

You arrive knowing exactly what kind of furry discipline you're in for.

Furry discipline.

Every week on the show we get a new band name, and today...

LAUGHTER

..Furry Discipline.

The thing about Coolio, a lot of people don't know this, I happen to know,

he was into 1970s Britain.

And part of that was buying a deep fat fryer.

"I'm going to fry some chips!"

Sorry about the racist voice I just did.

It was from the '70s and that's, technically, allowed.

Wasn't he on a really small tricycle once on one of his videos?

Was he? I think that's every rapper.

Yeah, they're all doing that, it's so cliched!

That's all they do, they go, "I'll get the tricycle out.

"Here we go again with the tricycle woman-hating."

LAUGHTER

Um, I met Coolio. Did you?

Yep, we were in a studio together in New York

and we recorded this track together and guess what?

It's true, this.

It wasn't a hit.

It was called All Night All Right.

Radio 1 A-listed it for something like eight weeks.

Still wasn't a hit.

Does that mean the people definitely didn't like it?

Definitely.

It was a good tune though. It was a good tune. It's an underground hit.

The Wombles bought it. LAUGHTER

Guys, what are you going for? ALL: Chips.

You're going for chips?

Going for chips.

You are wrong.

The answer was A. Coolio was chased out of his house by his furious girlfriend

after bringing home a woman for a threesome.

Now, I remember my first threesome in the music biz,

and if the Pet Shop Boys are watching...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to do that joke for ITV2.

Threesome! Waaah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Phill, Ana and Jason, take a look at this.

That's right, it's name-changing, bling-coated party rapper P Diddy.

# We ain't going nowhere

# We can't be stopped now, cos it's Bad Boy for life...#

That was P Diddy with Bad Boy For Life,

but why did someone try to sue him for one trillion dollars?

Was it, A -

Ken Dodd tried to sue him over the use of the word "diddy"?

Did he?

A party on his private yacht was

so loud it nearly caused a natural disaster.

Or was it C - he was accused of masterminding 9/11?

A trillion dollars.

I didn't even know that existed.

What, a trillion?

That's the sort of thing you say when you're seven, isn't it?

Trillion. Trillion. A million-billion-trillion-zillion.

Your dad says, "Well, you can have a raise in pocket money but not that much."

He's awfully busy, the P Diddy person.

Very busy.

And I don't think it was the natural disaster thing,

I think that really just describes his latest clothing range, really.

Yeah!

Meow!

There's the natural disaster caused by a boat,

I don't see how he could have done that.

I bet he was in Cannes or somewhere,

where they're really uptight about that.

MIMICS FRENCH ACCENT: This rap music is so loud you will cause a tsunami, you know.

The French are so up themselves,

they might just think hip-hop is a natural disaster.

MIMICS FRENCH ACCENT: Ugh! These rhymes of yours, they are terrible.

It's possible that someone from the Ken Dodd organisation might

have sued him for using the word "diddy", just for a PR laugh.

Which is why a trillion dollars would get the PR.

I don't know who Doddy Diddy is.

P Doddy? That would be good.

How did you discover how to extend your duster?

I just rubbed it and it did it naturally!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give me an answer.

Phill, you're the captain. Oh, captain.

Ken Dodd for a laugh.

You are wrong, my friend.

Sorry. The answer is C.

Believe it or not, P Diddy was once sued for one trillion dollars,

right, after someone accused him of being the mastermind behind 9/11.

It's true.

P Diddy may have won three Grammys, be the richest figure in hip hop

and have a vast business empire, but come back to me

when you've got your own show on two British TV channels -

ITV2 and ITV2+1.

LAUGHTER

Right, at the end of that round, Phill's team have nothing

and Noel's team have nothing!

CHEERING

Time now for the Intros Round.

Noel and Charles, here are yours for Tony.

All right. Yeah.

Come along, Charles.

OK. Charles is the best name ever.

Thanks a lot.

Come on. You're the only Charles I know who's not a butler.

LAUGHTER

I actually have to get off quite soon.

Boom-boom-boom-boom.

CHARLES MIMICS DRUMS

NOEL MIMICS GUITAR STRUM It's under water!

NOEL MIMICS ELECTRIC GUITAR

It's Freddy, Get To Bed by The Sailor Boys.

LAUGHTER

I have no frickin' idea.

All right. Let me ask you guys. Any of you...?

It's not Is She Really Going Out With Him by Joe Jackson?

You're both wrong.

It is Scooby Snacks by Fun Lovin' Criminals.

And this is how it should sound.

MUSIC: "Scooby Snacks" by Fun Lovin' Criminals

It doesn't sound like "braaaaawmmm".

# Running around robbing banks

# All wacked on the Scooby Snacks. #

This is from the '90s, I should have known it.

Yeah.

It was my era.

Next one, please.

OK. This one's good.

I can't remember this one. Can you remember it?

Well, Pete can help us if we... Yeah.

You could probably help us with this one.

Mysterious Girl!

Are you just shouting at me, "Mysterious girl"? LAUGHTER

You really are a mystery!

LAUGHTER

Quite a penis you've got there, lady.

LAUGHTER

You guys want me to help you with this? A little bit, yeah.

He knows how to...

You know the first bit that goes...?

NOEL WARBLES MUSICALLY

CHARLES MIMICS ACOUSTIC GUITAR

No, it's nothing like the song at all.

We're going to hear it in a minute and you're going to be blown away by how accurate that is.

But it has something in it that's sort of like...

PETER HUMS A MELODY

CHARLES MIMICS ACOUSTIC GUITAR I'm doing the guitar!

NOEL HUMS That was... That was...

I'm not doing the vocal. Do you know what it is? You know what it is yet?

Of course I do, I read it off the card.

It's pretty insane sounding.

Sounds mental!

Yes, but it's more than insane.

It's insane-mous.

It's insanity times two. It's...

What's the mathematical term for insanity?

Insania!

He did it. He got it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's how it should have sounded.

No, this is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Insania" by Peter Andre

OK.

Cool.

Yep.

Great.

PHILL LAUGHS

Excellent.

Keep it going.

And it's moving on.

CROWD CLAPS ALONG WITH MUSIC

LAUGHTER

MUSIC STOPS

Touch me. Touch me. Touch me.

Touch me.

CHEERING

So, that was me with Insania.

Look, I know I've apologised for Insania many times,

but hundreds and thousands of you bought it.

They did. I did it, but you let it happen.

So there's blood on all our hands!

I remember when I wrote that song, I was sleeping rough,

deep in the bush...

eating anus.

And I was jetlagged cos we'd only just come back from the jungle...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We also heard Fun Lovin' Criminals with Scooby Snacks.

Scooby Snacks got to number 22 in the charts, but I'm guessing

it's not the highest the Fun Lovin' Criminals have ever been.

VOICE-OVER: Peter is upset that his joke about the Fun Lovin' Criminals

didn't go as well as he'd hoped.

It is upsetting when a joke doesn't quite happen as planned.

I wasn't sure about it and, to be honest, I don't even get it.

Phill and Ana, here are yours to give Jason.

Oh, God. Whenever you're ready, guys.

ANA CLEARS HER THROAT

THEY HUM TOGETHER

Oh, my God. I haven't got a clue.

No? No. Really?

Yeah. What is it?

Guys, did you hear that?

We think it was that I'll Be There song but we don't know who it's by.

# I'll be there. #

You're right. Reach Out I'll Be There by the Four Tops.

APPLAUSE

This is how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Reach Out I'll Be There" by Four Tops

I always dance like that.

Oh, wow. There a horse in that.

From a zoo...looking for Coolio.

THEY LAUGH

OK. Next one please.

ANA MIMICS GUITAR CHORDS

But not the one you think it is!

THEY MIMIC CHORDS

PHILL MIMICS PIANO

PHILL MIMICS ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORDS

ANA SCREAMS

It's the sound of their fans.

That's giving too much away.

I'm not really good at this, clearly.

Just take a stab in the dark.

Haven't got a clue.

Good. Guys.

# Out here in the fields

# I fight for my meals

# I don't need to be forgiven, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

HE MIMICS ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORDS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It actually isn't that song. Think more naff and more current.

You're all going to be so appalled, and I think Tony might be

a little bit sick in his own mouth in a moment.

Tony, that was really good but it was wrong,

so I'm going to tell you what it is.

It was One Direction - Best Song Ever.

Nooooo!

This is how it should have sounded.

That's not how it should have sounded.

MUSIC: "Best Song Ever" by One Direction

Yeah, so...

ANA: I got it wrong.

You're not allowed to do that.

How was I going to get that?

That was One Direction with Best Song Ever.

Some people point out similarities between Best Song Ever

and Baba O'Riley by The Who,

but Pete Townshend responded by saying, "It's not a problem,

"we're all using the same three chords in basic music."

A...

G and...

H? LAUGHTER

Now, Best Song Ever, I do like that sort of confidence.

That's why I wrote a song yesterday called Album Filler

and it's on the b-side of That'll Do.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Time now for a bonus game based on one of the greatest pop songs

ever written in a jungle.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's play Insania.

MUSIC: "Insania" by Peter Andre

I'm going to give you guys clues leading to a famous pop star

who has gone a little insania in the head.

All both teams have to do is guess which insania pop star I'm

talking about.

Are you guys ready to play?

ALL: Yes!

OK. Who am I?

Peter! Yes.

Who am I? Peter. Yes.

LAUGHTER

Who...? Peter. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do it again.

Who am I? MUMBLED: Peter!

LAUGHTER

I love accessorising my outfits with human teeth.

Keisha.

Peter. Hang on a second...

What did you just say? I just said Keisha.

Yes!

CHEERING

Who am I? Peter.

Oh... LAUGHTER

OK. Ask me. Ask me. Who am I? Peter. Yeah...

LAUGHTER

Jeez, you guys...! Ask me. Ask me.

Who am I?

Jordan's ex-husband.

CHEERING

I think you should come back to me.

LAUGHTER

Who am I?

Peter.

Seriously, ask me one more time.

OK. I will.

I will.

WHISPERS: Who am I?

One of the nicest people I've ever met, frankly.

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

Right.

Who am I?

For years, I let a camera crew follow me

around and record my every move for a TV... Peter Andre! Peter Andre!

No.

I once dragged a dead shark into my hotel room and then dismembered it.

Oh, that was me. Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy Osbourne. Brilliant!

All right.

One more, one more, one more.

One more, one more, one more. Who am I?

I recently employed a DNA team to forensically clean my dressing

room of all hair, skin and saliva when I leave.

Chris Martin from Coldplay. ANA: Madonna.

Madonna! Brilliant!

APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone, and thanks for playing Insania.

MUSIC: "Insania" by Peter Andre

Round three is the Identity Parade.

Noel, Charles and Tony, how about some feel-good,

ocean-based muscle pop?

For the audience only, here is me with Mysterious Girl.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

# Mysterious girl

# Move your body close to mine

# Well I've been sitting by the phone hoping you'd call

# When time me hear your voice I feel ten feet tall

# Body weh you have a make de man dem a bawl

# Man a trip over man when time your name call...#

That was me with Mysterious Girl, but which of our line-up was

the true star in the video, Bubbler Ranx?

Is it number one - Bubbler Ranx?

Number two - Bubble And Squeak?

Number three - Bubble Bath?

Number four - Bubble Butt?

Or number five - Hubba Bubba?

Do you now what, I think it's uncomfortable for these dudes

to be standing there wearing no shirt.

I think you and you should get your shirts off in support.

I'll be the waterfall.

LAUGHTER

He'll start singing his bit.

Which is the main bit, right?

It's the main bit. What were you doing?

Just standing around with your six pack?

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. #

I know that. I used to do it all the time.

Was that how you got a six pack, from the waterfall?

Just from doing this constantly for months.

LAUGHTER

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I've never done a fucking sit-up in my life, mate.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm judging it now by the ones that look like they want to have

a drink with you afterwards, considering this is your friend.

And number two looks just so ready to drive home.

I think I saw number four checking out Peter in a, kind of,

where's my royalties...?

LAUGHTER

I'm pretty sure it's one.

He's so stoic and confident and he just looks like he's ready to

bring up Insania once again with you after the show.

Different song, but no worries.

Shall we find out who it is?

Let Charles have a stab at it.

I think it's one. Let's find out.

Would the real Bubbler, please, step forward?

NOEL: It's four, isn't it? He's laughing.

Oh...!

THEY CHEER

APPLAUSE

Bubbler!

VOICE-OVER: Peter and Bubbler are reunited

for the first time in many years.

Despite their solemn promises to keep in touch

and have a beer together after the show,

this hug would prove to be the last time they would ever see each other.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now running his own music production company - Bubbler Ranx,

ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Phill's team, how about some alternative UK androgo-rock?

Here is Placebo with Pure Morning.

# Day's dawning, skins crawling

# Day's dawning, skins crawling... #

That was Placebo with Pure Morning,

but which of our line-up is David Fox,

the now grown-up boy from the iconic

front cover of Placebo's album Placebo?

Is it...Number one - David Fox?

Number two - Doctor Fox?

Number three - Samantha Fox?

Number four - Foxy Knoxy?

Or number five - what the fox!?

Why is that I suddenly want to rent Home Alone?

LAUGHTER

It's like a kindergarten version of Edvard Munch's Scream.

Looks like a really upset lifeboat crew.

"Ah, we didn't save them"!

LAUGHTER

Jason, what do you reckon?

I think it's number one.

I think he's really been completely traumatised by it all

and he's never quite got over it.

He hasn't combed his hair since the shoot.

You going to go with one? I think... Yep. Let's give it a go.

So would the real David Fox, please, step forward?

APPLAUSE

It's the Placebo boy David Fox.

Ladies and gentlemen...

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round Phill's team have nothing

and Noel's team have three.

CHEERING

So we end with Next Lines.

Noel's team, you're in the lead so you go first.

And your time starts now.

"It's like rain on your wedding day."

"It's the free ride that you just can't take."

Close enough. "It's a free ride, you've already paid." Isn't It Ironic - Alanis Morissette.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."

Mysterious Girl!

You were right. It was Mysterious Girl by...

Peter Andre.

And Bubble...Wrap.

Yep. Next one.

"Let's grow old together."

"And die at the same time."

To Lose My Life by White Lies.

Here's the next one.

# Your personality alone light up de room... #

CHEERING

Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre.

Yes, but what is the line?

# Mysterious girl...#

No, but hang on, hang on. Hang on.

"Your personality alone light de room,"

"just one kiss alone a make me heart go boom."

Mysterious Girl by...Peter Andre, and featuring Bubbler Ranx. Yes!

CHEERING

# Baby girl, I said tonight is your lucky night. #

CHEERING

Close enough.

Peter Andre along with Bubbler Ranx on the mic.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

CHEERING

Phill's team, you need eight points to win, your time starts...now.

"When you call my name it's like a little prayer..."

# Get down on my knees and I'll take you there. #

She's a dirty cow! Yeah.

OK. "Come into my garden..."

"And watch my penis harden."

LAUGHTER

"Check out these ideas I've planted." Garden by Rizzle Kicks.

"But I don't feel like dancing..."

"I don't feel like dancing when the Joanna plays,

"my heart goes..." SHE MUMBLES

It's one of yours, isn't it?

Well, I don't sing lead on it, so... I know.

Would it help if I did this?

# I don't feel like dancing. #

Maybe if you put on Noel's outfit.

That's simply not going to happen.

As we know, Noel is petite...and I'm medium.

LAUGHTER

# I don't feel like dancing. #

"When the old Joanna plays my heart goes..."

SHE MUMBLES

"No sir, no dancin' today."

I Don't Feel Like Dancin' by the Scissor Sisters.

"All right.

"Stop. Collaborate and listen..."

"Ice is back with a brand new invention,

"something grabs a hold of me tightly..." SHE MUMBLES

"Daily and nightly. Will it ever stop? Yo - I don't know,

"turn off the lights and I'll glow.

"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal,

"light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle." CHEERING

END OF ROUND JINGLE

So the final scores are - Phill's team have two,

and Noel's team have seven.

CHEERING

So that's it.

Thanks to Phill, Ana Matronic

and Jason Gardiner, Noel, Charles Cave and Tony Law.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks - My Life.

I've been Peter Andre, and as you enjoy the credits,

we're going to see just how good at gardening Jason Gardiner really is.

Good night.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd