Episode 2 Never Mind the Buzzcocks

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello

and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Russell Howard.

On Phill's team tonight

is a singer who once twerked for Miley Cyrus.

She was so pleased, apparently, she twanked him off. It's Conor Maynard.

APPLAUSE

And a lady who's eaten crocodile penis and kangaroo vagina,

but if you want to promote Iceland, you have to eat their food.

It's Stacey Solomon!

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team tonight

is a rapper who sounds like a naughty friend of Iggle Piggle.

It's Lethal Bizzle!

APPLAUSE

And a comedian whose worst moment came

when someone offered her 20 quid to leave the stage. Don't knock it.

That's how Blue pay their mortgage.

It's Isy Suttie.

APPLAUSE

So, we begin with a round called Guess Who?

I'm going to show you a picture

where we've morphed together two well-known faces from the world of music.

All the teams have to do is tell me whose famous musical faces they belong to.

Noel, Lethal and Isy, you're up first.

Already, that looks like a really wrong entry on match.com,

doesn't it?

It looks like a lion dressed as a man dressed as a lion.

I think it's John Lennon. Yeah. And who else? Beyonce?

Justin Lee Collins?

LAUGHTER

I think it could be Beyonce. Beyonce's got straighter hair than that.

And smaller boobs, I think.

I forgot about that. Yeah. Is it Shakira?

Let's see if you're right. Here we go.

There you go. It was, in fact, John Lennon and Shakira.

APPLAUSE

Here's another question for you.

Which one of these two was almost killed by a sea lion?

I was reading about Shakira the other day, and apparently,

she was on holiday and she lost her suitcase with all her songs in it.

Which really made me laugh, the idea that you carry songs around in a suitcase.

Some guy found it went, wah!

I feel like John Lennon would be able to deal with a sea lion well.

He would've sung I Am The Walrus

and the sea lion would've gone, "We're sort of cousins, I'll let you go."

What do you think the difference is? Does anyone know?

Sea lion and walrus? Walrus, colossal tusks. Massive, huge.

Sea lion, sleek. No, they're massive! Sea lions are long and thin.

They're like, urrrgh!

Oh, here we go, Discovery Channel, tell us about sea lions. They are! Urgh, urgh, urgh!

That'd be a beautiful show. You and David Attenborough - he describes the animals, and you do impressions.

Here we have a bear. Stacey.

Urgh!

What's that in the bin? Is it a fox? Stacey. Fox?

Here we have the lovely goldfish.

Has anyone here ever been attacked by an animal?

And lived to tell the tale? I've been bit by a dog. OK.

A Chihuahua. You got bit by a Chihuahua?

You don't look like the kind of bloke that knocks around with Chihuahuas. I like small dogs.

I don't really like big dogs. Same here. I won't have a dog I don't think I can kill in the house.

Yeah, that's a good concept. When I was about seven, a llama ate my hair.

I was at London Zoo drawing a llama, and a different llama

sort of went behind me and started eating the back of my hair.

While we're here, Stacey, what would a llama be like?

Rrrr! There you go. So did they gobble you as well?

Because I was quite blonde when I was a kid, I think

they thought it was straw. Or your drawing was crap.

They were like, nah!

This llama was an art critic. So what are you going to go for?

Shakira or John Lennon? What do you think? I would go for Shakira.

That's right. It was Shakira. This is true.

Shakira's brother saved her from a terrifying sea lion attack as she

tried to take a photo of the animal and it mistook her phone for a fish.

That's bullshit, isn't it? The sea lion knew exactly who she was.

Shakira was like... Whoa! My hips don't lie. And the sea lion went...

Urgh! Urrgh!

Now, Conor, I understand people throw weird things at you.

Yeah, a lot of weird things, yeah. Now, what's the oddest thing?

Obviously, one of the obvious ones is underwear. Underwear?

Normally not above an A size cup... Did you say frozen underwear?

No, throw. Oh, I thought you said frozen underwear.

Can anyone beat that? Isy, have you had anything that odd?

I've only had the 20 quid that was talked about in the introduction.

Just cos it was going so badly, someone was like,

"I'll give you 20 quid if you get off."

But I had to wait for ages as it snaked its way down from the back.

I just played A minor on the guitar, then it got to me

and I spent it all on whisky. Lethal, have you had knickers?

Yeah, I've had a few knickers and a few bras in my time.

You sound like you go on stage with a clothes horse, just catching them.

Now, Lethal. Yes. You're trying to invent a word or you've invented a word?

Yeah. I've invented a word that's called dench.

Are you a huge fan of Judi? Yeah. There is a connection.

Where did it come from? You see something and go, that's dench?

It kind from playing computer games, football games, and then we'll score a goal and go,

oh, my god, that goal was dench, and then we just kept saying it,

and we started saying it on social media, then Piers Morgan decided to start using it

and then Gary Lineker said it, then everyone just started saying it.

I was like, OK, yeah, let's try and get it in the dictionary.

See, I like the idea that we evolve it.

Yeah. So we just use any old celebrity's name.

So you go, oh, look at that shirt, it's really Titchmarsh.

Does anyone use dench ever? Always. When would you use it?

That was dench. I say it all the time. Of what?

Anything...that's dench. It has to be dench.

Yeah, it's got to be dench, or I can't say dench, can I?

That makes total sense.

Phill, Conor and Stacey,

have a look at this and tell me who the two celebrities are.

Dad? Yeah, he's got the look of you, let's be honest. What horrible hair.

Horrible hair?

Yeah, like, one bit of it's nice and shiny,

and the rest of it's like pubes on the side.

I think that's the least of this cat's worries. He's ginger.

OK, we got ginger. I've been told I'm ginger quite a lot. Oh, really?

Yeah. When you grow a beard... Yeah, it happens all the time.

Right. And is it ginger? I'll tell you when it happens.

Oh! Now I feel terrible.

So who do you think is? Well, it's Justin Bieber and someone else.

It is. So it'll be Justin Bieber and probably Ed Sheeran.

Sheeran and Bieber. Let's see if you're right. Sheba.

Hm!

There you go. There we go.

It was Justin Bieber and Ed Sheeran.

But which of these two stripped naked to serenade their nan?

I would say Justin Bieber cos he's only just turned, like, an adult.

Well, not an adult, but an older child, so maybe when he was younger,

he might've got naked, as you do when you're with your nan.

I don't think when I turned 19 the first thing I thought of doing was stripping for my nan. I mean before!

You've been accused of being the English Justin Bieber, which I think seems unfair.

You seem like a lovely bloke.

Have you ever met Bieber? I have. I've walked past him a few times.

He's very petite. He's very little. That sounded like a stalker then.

"I've drawn him while he was unconscious."

I dressed up as his nan and made him get naked.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, we don't know the answer yet. It was Justin Bieber, I think. Was it?

Yeah.

Justin Bieber surprised his nan at Thanksgiving by turning up

to her house bollock naked and singing her a song.

What does he do a Christmas? Just tea bag a reindeer?

Fair to say, his nan didn't really go for it.

She got her own back when she flashed him in the street.

Has anyone ever got naked and sang a song? Lethal, have you ever?

Not sang a song. I need to get naked to go to the toilet. You understand?

I totally understand that. I've got a lovely image. Seriously.

What, you have to take everything off? Yeah, literally. Naked. Socks.

Socks? You have to take your socks off?

I want to be comfortable, the whole shebang, everything.

One day, I went to the toilet and nothing was happening

and something said, get naked, and ever since that day...

Something said that?

Lethal, you must get naked to poo.

So if you were a festival in a portaloo, would you still..? Oh, gosh.

It'd be pretty awkward. I'd take my top off and leave my shoes on.

What I liked about you, when you told me this earlier,

you said that you have to be naked to have a poo, then you said, "And also,

"afterwards, I like to walk around a bit before I put my clothes back on."

Yeah. Wow. How big's your toilet? Do you just have a wander around?

I feel like sometimes you just need to let it all out,

like you've just had a marathon run and you just need to recuperate.

Stacey, can you relate to that? Have you ever got naked to have a poo? No.

Obviously, I take my pants off. Sure.

I've never met anyone who takes every item of clothing off before a poo.

It's meant to be a common fact, actually. It's not. Oh.

I'm proud of it. Try it. People will try it when you invent a word for it.

So we got dench. You need to invent a word for naked shitting.

How about buff roughing it?

At the end of that round, Phill's team have two and Noel's team have two.

Now, Lethal, we've come up with an idea... Yes. ..to see just how lethal you are.

OK. We call this idea:

What's my name now? Bizzle Bizzle. Who's the hitman? Bizzle Bizzle.

And've I got some questions. Lethal, would you open an umbrella indoors?

No, I wouldn't. OK.

Oh, I really needed you to say yes then!

I've changed my mind, actually. Just to prove that you're... Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Would you walk around a building site without a hard hat?

HE SIGHS

I think my head would suffer a brick. Yeah, I would, why not?

Would you walk around a building site with a hard on?

I'm not sure if I've done that before.

Would you say Candyman five times into the mirror? Candyman. Candyman.

Don't do it.

Candyman. Oh, my god, he doesn't care! Candyman. That's two.

Candyman. Candyman. Is something going to happen if I say again?

Don't do it.

It could happen. It could be the scariest moment ever. Candyman. Oh!

What have I done? Oh, Jesus!

CHANTING

All right!

Wow!

That's the end of that.

What's my name now? Bizzle Bizzle. Who's the hitman? Bizzle Bizzle.

Oh, that cheered me up. Well done, mate. Time now for the Intros round.

Phill and Conor, here are yours for Stacey. Good look, my friends.

Ah! Oh. Yeah.

# Wah-wah wah wah-wah wah wah wah wah wah wah-wah wah

# Wah-wah wah wah-wah wah wah wah

# Brr ber ber der der Brr ber ber ber ber

# Brr ber ber ber ber Brr ber ber ber ber Brr ber ber ber ber. #

I know this.

Dench!

The way you were doing that with the bumps,

it sounded like an old lady fighting on a bus. You look so lost.

I'm not, I've got it. # Der der der der der, der der der der der. #

I just can't think what it is. Oh, Stacey.

Chair. No, it's not a chair.

Is it Kanye West? I'm going to have to pass it over. Ah! Sorry.

Is it Thrift Shop. Macklemore and Lewis? He's nailed it. That's exactly what it was.

And here is how it should have sounded.

SONG PLAYS

See?

Oh, what an idiot.

I'm sorry. That was so good as well. Sorry.

I'm rubbish at this.

Right. Next one, please.

That beginning bit sort of goes... # Dinga ding ding dinga ding Arrrrrrr ah. #

It's good. I know. The Seagull from The Little Mermaid.

It's not The Seagull from The Little Mermaid.

Yeah, let's do it again, yeah.

# Jing jigga jing jing Jing jigga jing jing

# Ding dinga ding ding dinga ding

# Arrrrrrrr ar ah-ah-ah-ah-ah arrrrrr ah-ah-ah. #

Coldplay? Yes!

And what was the song? SHE HUMS THE TUNE

No - yeah, that's it.

She might be a princess where? China. Correct. She got it!

It is Coldplay, Princess Of China.

Here's how it should've sounded.

SONG PLAYS

So that was Coldplay featuring Rhianna with Princess Of China.

Chris Martin wrote the song Yellow after seeing a copy of the Yellow Pages in the studio.

God knows what Johnny Cash was looking at when he wrote Ring Of Fire.

Apparently Coldplay are a lot of people's guilty pleasure.

That's a pretty tame guilty pleasure.

My brother pretends he's disabled to park close to the shops.

We also heard Macklemore with Thrift Shop.

Here's a question for you.

Lethal, would you ever do a rap about going to a charity shop?

Nah, it's not really dench. See if you fancy this, right?

Went to Sue Ryder You won't see me hidin'

I like to wear clothes that an old bloke died in

Only problem is they got a weird stench

But I don't care cos I look well dench.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've had a run-in with David Cameron, is that right?

He's not really a fan of urban music.

Didn't you slam him in one of your raps?

I just called him a doughnut basically.

But you don't like people using the word "dench" as well. I do like it.

Well, not according to this. What?!

There's a guy called Panjabi MC who tries to use the word to

promote a club night. Oh, yes!

This, for me, is one of the greatest Twitter spats you've ever seen.

D'you remember what you said to him?

Oh, gosh. Well, let me remind you.

The reason why I like this is just cos the hashtag you use

at the end links in no way to the rest of what you've said, right?

He said...

And here's the hashtag...

LAUGHTER

It's so lovely.

APPLAUSE

Noel and Lethal, here are yours for Isy. There you go.

Thanks for that. That's all right.

While we're here with you, Is, Isy's got a special skill.

Would you all like to see it? Yes. She can do, I would argue,

the best impression of Lady Gaga down a well you'd ever see.

# I'm your biggest fan and I'll f-follow you

# Unti-til you l-love me-me-me

# Pa-pa-pa-pa Pa-pa-pa-ra-ra-zi-zi-zi

# Baby, there's no other-ther su-superstar

# You know-know that-at I'll be-be

# Pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa-ra-ra-zi-zi

# Pro-pro-mi-mise I-I'll be-be kind-kind-kind

# But I won't stop unti-til that-at boy-boy is mine-mine-mine

# La-love me-me-me, pa-pa-pa-pa pa-pa-pa-ra-ra-zi-zi-zi. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pretty amazing, eh?

Wow, I'll bet you're never lonely. Like, hello!

LAUGHTER

That's the cruellest and yet kindest thing anyone's ever said.

Beautiful, right, next up. That was amazing. It was lovely, wasn't it?

Yeah, if you start it off and I'll just...

I might not be dench straightaway but I'll ease into dench-ness.

Yeah, I'll dench it up at the end. All right.

# Dum-dum-dum-dum

# Baow-waow, ba-baow

# Ba-ba, baow, baow Baow, baow, baow

BOTH: # Baow, baow, ba-baow Baow, ba-baow, baow

# Ba-naow, ba, ba-ba, naow-naow

# Ba-naow, ba-ba-ba na-naow. #

So dench. #Fannys!

# Ah, da-ba-ba, ba-ba-da-da. #

I feel like I know it, and there's another bit that goes, like,

# Na-na, da-da, na-na-na-na, duh-duh!

D'you know what I mean? I haven't got a clue.

Isy, do you have any idea what it is? It's like a classic rock song.

It is! Yeah. I'm going to have to pass it over.

D'you know what it is? It's Rebel Rebel.

It is Rebel Rebel by David Bowie, and here's how it should sound.

MUSIC: "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie

NOEL WHISTLES

Right, next one, please.

BOTH: # Ba-ba-ba-ba-baow

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-baow

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

# Why-aye! #

Nice! Right, have you got a clue? I'm really sorry.

It doesn't matter, I'm going to sling it over.

Is it Cheryl Cole, Call My Name? Correct, well done, Conor.

That's exactly what it is. And here is how it should have sounded.

Well done, mate.

MUSIC: "Call My Name" by Cheryl Cole

Yeah, you've nailed it, man.

# How d'you think I feel when you call my name? #

Cheryl Cole left The X Factor US

amid reports that nobody could understand her Geordie accent.

To which she replied...

NEWCASTLE ACCENT: Howay, man! Divn't talk guff.

Next ye'll be claimin' Shola Ameobi's nae fox in the box!

We also heard David Bowie with Rebel Rebel.

Now many people debate whether his surname

should be pronounced BO-WIE or BOUGH-IE.

It's BO-WIE.

In the 1970s... LAUGHTER

Wasn't his son called Zowie, though? Yeah, his son's called Zowie.

Isn't it ZOUGH-IE BOUGH-IE, not ZOUGH-IE BO-WIE?

Isn't it supposed to rhyme?

Doesn't he now call himself Nathan or something?

Duncan. Duncan, that's right.

I mean, that is going from one end of the scale to the other.

What I genuinely find amazing, if your dad was David Bowie

and you were given the name Zowie Bowie, why would you get rid of it?

For Duncan. Yeah! I know, it's madness!

What, he left his son with Zowie Bowie?

No, he called his son Zowie... That's what I'm saying,

he changed his own name and said, "Ha-ha! You can keep the crazy one!"

No, that's not what happened. No, no, David Bowie...

LAUGHTER

David Bowie's not called Duncan Bowie.

I've never heard anyone get the wrong end of the stick so aggressively.

"What, and that's what he fucking did?!"

"No, it isn't." "Right, well, you should've! What a dick!"

David Bowie is now called David Bowie.

His son was called ZOUGH-IE BO-WIE.

But he's now called Duncan Bowie, and he's now a film director.

Oh, his son changed his name. That's right.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Round Three is the Identity Parade.

Noel's team, how about some classic UK garage?

For the audience only, here is Jameson with True.

# Back once again, still 10 out of 10

# Still Top of the Pops Still Jameson

# As I enter the 3D bass inventor

# Who said I never meant to do this? We've been through this before

# Now I'm in control but wait there's more... #

That was Jameson with True, but which of our line-up is Jameson?

Is it Number One, Jamie's son?

Number Two, No Son of Mine?

Number Three, Son of a Bitch?

Number Four, Son of a Preacher Man?

Or Number Five, Sunny Delight?

LAUGHTER

Is he real? Is he real?

You can go up close to him, check if he's real if you want.

I think I can tell. OK.

LAUGHTER

Bryan Ferry's been having a clearout again.

LAUGHTER

I like Number Four's medallions.

He looks like he's been rifling through Jimmy Savile's drawers.

There's a better way of putting that, Is, let's be honest.

Number One's sort of enjoying himself.

He's enjoying the whole process.

Number One's got a lovely twinkle in his eye. What's he thinking about?

Number Four looks quite cool as well.

Yeah, Number Four's, like, standing straight!

Yeah. Tall, proud! Number Five's having the time of his life.

Number Five's happy to be anywhere!

I want to know what Number Five looks like at Christmas.

Can you imagine how happy he must be then?

OK, I'm going to have to push you. Who d'you think it is?

I reckon Four.

I reckon, I reckon Two. Really? Right, then.

I think we should go with Lethal. Number Two. Number Two.

Let's find out. Would the real Jameson please step forward?

There you go.

APPLAUSE

Well done, mate.

Still DJing and producing other artists,

Jameson, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phill, Conor and Stacey, how about some late '80s Welsh glam metal?

D'you fancy that? Yes, I do! I know I'm in the mood.

Right, for the audience only, here are Tigertailz with Love Bomb Baby.

# Can't get enough of your sweet, sweet loving

# Keep it coming Oh, baby, fire away

# Love bomb baby

# Love bomb baby, blow me away. #

That was Tigertailz with Love Bomb Baby,

but which of our line-up is lead guitarist Jay Pepper?

Is it Number One, Jay Pepper?

Number Two, Pepper Spray?

Number Three, Peppa Pig?

Number Four, Pepperami?

Or Number Five, Pinch of Salt?

Do you know that song? I know it now.

So, Conor, Welsh glam metal.

Before we start, I must say you all look positively dench!

And if I was to tweet all of you

I would put #Fannys at the end as well.

I wouldn't tweet them, Conor, they look terrifying.

The blonde one looks like he's from Wales. Right.

What are you basing that on? Cos he's blonde. Cos he's blonde? Yeah.

You've confused Wales with Sweden there.

No, they're all blonde in Wales. They're not all blonde in Wales.

Number Two's got that kind of urban, pagan thing going on.

But I don't think it says Welsh metal to me. He's got massive ears.

Those are called stretchers,

and they're very popular with the people these days.

With what people? Those people.

LAUGHTER

Number Three, some extensive ink-work on Number Three.

Why are you looking at me like that? I don't hate you. I don't.

Who's looking at you? The tattoo man. He wants to hurt me, I think.

Of course he doesn't, look at him, he's lovely.

I don't know, it did look there like he wanted to hurt her.

It's Four or Five, I think. No way! It's Four or Five.

Is that a real beard on Five? Or has he saved a badger?

OK, who d'you think it is? Five. I think Five. Well, let's find out.

Would the real Jay Pepper please step forward?

There you go.

APPLAUSE

Now about to release Tigertailz' 10th album,

Jay Pepper, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So at the end of that round, Phill's team have five

and Noel's team also have five.

It's a dead heat!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we end with Next Lines.

Phill's team, you're up first and your time starts now.

"Don't you worry Don't you worry, child."

BOTH: Heaven's got a plan for you.

Nailed it. Don't You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia.

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle..."

BOTH: The lion sleeps tonight.

And what do lions sound like, for a bonus point? R-rah! Perfect!

The Lion Sleeps Tonight by the Tokens.

"Shoulda hooked up with your sister."

Is it, "Go now, here's my middle finger?"

That's R U Crazy by Conor Maynard. Quite full-on, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a bit mean.

So I should have hooked up with your sister, have that!

And you're calling HER crazy?! For shame!

Oh, this is another one of yours, not that that gives it away(!)

LAUGHTER

"I was lying on the benchslide in the park across the street..."

Lying on the benchslide in the park across the street...

Oh, I love you. You've not got a clue what it is

but you just said it again.

D'you know what it is? Yes. You don't. Yes, we do. What is it, then?

No, we want to know, I mean.

You get a point for desire. It was Steal My Sunshine by Len.

You got most of those right, there you go.

That was pretty impressive.

APPLAUSE

Noel's team, you need four points to win.

We can do that, team. We can do that.

"Pow! Yeah! I'm Lethal! The B!"

Pow if you don't know about me. Correct. Pow by Lethal Bizzle.

Don'cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Yeah!

Don't ya? I do.

LAUGHTER

Wow. "When it comes to weapons I'm like Danny Glover..."

Send you home in a black bag back to your mother.

Yeah. That's Leave It Yeah. Does Danny Glover do that?

He kills people then sends the remains back to their parents?

Don't know, what movie was that?

Lethal Weapon, and you're Lethal Bizzle. Is that why you did it?

Yeah, I think that's the connection. Oh, right.

LAUGHTER

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing."

But that would be creepy and the police would be called.

I could lie still and draw round your shadow.

LAUGHTER

If we get it do we get a point? Go on.

# Watch you smile while you are sleeping

# While you're far away and dreaming. #

She's nailed it. I've got to give her the point.

What?! That's not how this quiz works!

She's so charming.

APPLAUSE

The final scores are Noel's team have seven, Phill's team have eight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What?!

So that's it. What fun?

Thanks to Phill, Conor Maynard and Stacey Solomon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Noel, Lethal Bizzle and Isy Suttie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Russell Howard,

and as you enjoy the credits,

Phill and Noel are going to take control of the studio cameras.

Good night, my friends.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd