The True Meaning of Christmas Not Going Out

Looks simple enough.

MUSIC: Step Into Christmas by Elton John

I hate Christmas.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh!

-Sorry, Lucy,

just wanted to drop off a few small presents for the children.

-We won't stay. We know it's a madhouse.

-Well, it is Christmas Eve.

Yes, there's that, too.

Right. Well, um, our lot are in the garden, Jack,

if you wanna say hello.

-Remember, play nicely or Father Christmas won't come.

-Yes, Mummy.

I love this time of year. You can threaten children so effectively.

So, what are your plans for tomorrow?

We're having a quiet family Christmas.

It's just gonna be the three of us...at home...

Together.

All day.

-Do you wanna pop round for a bit?

-Yes, please.

-Can we?

-It'd be lovely to see you.

-Good.

So, what, roughly, is the earliest possible time we could come?

Um, about three o'clock, after we've eaten.

We're having my mum and dad round for Christmas dinner.

That'll be lovely, Lucy. We should let you get on with the cooking.

You must have loads to do.

Oh, no, the Christmas dinner is Lee's department.

He is a festive control freak.

Even the turkey has to be stuffed in a certain way. It's very anal.

Is there another way?

-So, er, where is he, then?

-He's in the garage.

-It's a Christmas surprise for the kids.

-That'll be nice for them.

How long is he staying in there?

I've told him he can't carry on with the cooking

until he's assembled the kids' present from Mummy and Daddy.

That's why the kids are in the garden.

-They're being distracted by Lee's dad.

-Oh.

-Don't worry, Anna.

He came round to see them.

They didn't just find him sleeping under the hedge...again.

Does this look like an upper connecting flange bracket to you?

That looks like a disposable grout spreader.

We really need to clear out this garage.

So what have you got for the kids?

A total warfare ultimate blaster water battle set.

You can have a go with it tomorrow, if you like.

-Fancy getting a bit of a drenching, Anna?

-Not really.

-Yeah, better not.

She might melt. Then who'd look after the flying blue monkeys?

The kids have been after one for ages,

so that's their present from me and Lee.

And Father Christmas?

Oh, yeah, they still get presents from Father Christmas,

but for some reason they also get an astronomically expensive present

-from Mummy and Daddy.

-Careful, Lee.

You don't want Jacob Marley visiting you while you're asleep.

He won't get that reference. Try Scrooge McDuck.

Anyway, we'd better be off. I'd better get started

on my own once-yearly desperate bid for affection.

-I mean assembling Jack's present.

-Oh.

We put the other thing back till Easter, remember.

-We've got Jack a trampoline.

-Oh, not keen on trampolines.

-I've seen the damage they can cause.

-Oh, it's fine.

We're putting mats down to protect the lawn.

Don't! They've been weighed. Well, you know what your mum's like.

She's bound to pick me up on something about me cooking.

I don't know why you're even making stollen cake.

Why can't we have Christmas pudding, like normal people?

Cos nobody really likes Christmas pudding.

Talking of things soaked in alcohol that no-one's keen on...

Calm down, calm down. Sorry, I've got 'em a little bit overexcited.

-Why, did you say you were leaving?

-We want a trampoline for Christmas.

-I thought you wanted a water battle set.

-And a trampoline.

-Jack's getting one.

-Jack doesn't know what he's getting.

He might be getting nothing, like me, till Easter.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Are you sure you don't wanna come for Christmas dinner tomorrow, Dad?

No, and there's no point in trying to twist my arm.

Oh, go on, can I, just for a bit of fun?

I'm more than happy being with my mates down at the pub.

It's better than Lucy's parents looking down their noses at me

all day, like last Christmas.

Look, Dad, I know what they're like, trust me,

but you don't exactly do yourself any favours.

You didn't even bring a proper present for the kids last year.

What's wrong with a selection box?

Since you ask, the Curly Wurly was missing.

OK. Sorry it wasn't good enough. I'll get going.

-My parents will be here in a minute.

-He said he was leaving.

No need to threaten him.

I'm assuming they're coming round to do their usual,

so the kids can open their present from them a day early.

I did it when I was a kid with my grandparents.

-It's a family tradition.

-Not in my family it wasn't.

I'm happy to do your Christmas family traditions as well.

Shall I call the police now,

or do you wanna throw a chair through the window first?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry, but expecting people to open your presents

before anybody else's is just hogging the limelight.

-They are not hogging the limelight.

-Merry Christmas, everybody.

Now that's a selection box.

Grandma! Grandad!

What have you got us for Christmas?

Oh, I don't think we've got anything, have we, Wendy?

-I think we forgot to get you something.

-What's in that big box?

-What big box?

-I can't see a big box.

-Shame.

That's how it started with my mum -

not long after she was stood in Rumbelows, naked,

trying to buy a telly with a ration book.

Anyway, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

Maybe see if you can track down that Curly Wurly from last year,

-eh, Frank?

-I'll keep my eye open for clues.

Maybe look for someone with a toffee nose.

-Can we open it?

-Course you can open it.

You'll find mixing it with your fingers is better, Lee.

-Don't want to bruise the raisins.

-I know.

It's the same reason I bought a padded bicycle seat.

It's a total warfare ultimate blaster water battle set!

Just look at those faces. Priceless.

-Oh, Mum, Dad, you really shouldn't have.

-Oh, it's nothing, really.

-Just a silly little thing.

-Well, you say little.

I bet it'll take approximately 2 hours and 17 minutes to assemble,

and you don't get that kind of time back, do you?

Lucy, can you help me in the kitchen for a second?

-Anything I can do, Lee?

-No, thank you, Wendy, you've done enough.

Did you know they were getting the same present?

Yes, Lee, of course I did,

but I just thought you can never have too many

total warfare ultimate blaster water battle sets.

-We need to get a new present for the kids right now.

-Now?

-It's four o'clock on Christmas Eve.

-You're right.

Let's leave it for a few hours, really get the adrenaline going.

You need to go to the shops, and quickly, before they close.

-Oh, so I'm supposed to prepare the food and do the shopping?

-Yeah.

I wonder what that must feel like.

Why can't you go?

-Cos I've still got loads to do.

-So have I!

I've got to parboil the potatoes in salt water, for a start.

Well, maybe you can boil them in our children's tears

when they have no presents to unwrap in the morning.

-I can carry on with the cooking.

-Look, how about this?

Instead of a present, we get the kids a handwritten voucher,

something that says, "This entitles you to a pizza and a pantomime."

You think our children will be impressed by a handwritten voucher?

You're impressed when I do that for you.

Can I let you into a little secret, Lee?

I really am not.

-Everything all right in here?

-Yes, fine, thanks.

Lee just needed a hand with the food preparation for tomorrow.

Leaving it all a bit late, aren't you, Lee?

If you need some help, Lee, just say the word.

Oh, let me have two words.

Can you set it up for us, Grandad?

No, I think I'll let your father do that. Think you can manage it, Lee?

Oh, I know I can.

See you all tomorrow.

-Can you set it up for us, Daddy?

-Please!

-Later. Upstairs, everyone.

Daddy has just got to pop to the shops.

And get them what?

-Trampoline.

-A trampoline?

-Ssh! We know they want one.

They said so earlier.

And you said they were a safety hazard.

Yeah, well, that's the good thing about having twins.

You've always got a spare. Go!

-What are you doing?

-I'm taking it back to the shop.

You can't take that one. We haven't got a receipt for it.

No, but we've got a receipt for the one that we bought.

Exactly - the one we bought. God knows where Mum and Dad got theirs.

-Could even have been online.

-So? The shop won't know that.

As long as we've got a receipt they'll take any back...

-I think.

-You think?

I'm not risking our children's happiness based on you thinking.

So I'm supposed to go back into the garage, dismantle the water battle

set I spent ages assembling, drag it back to the shop,

swap it for a trampoline, bring the trampoline home,

assemble the trampoline,

and then assemble the water battle set that your mum and dad got them?

Do you need me in this conversation?

I'd like to do an exchange, please.

-Kids got two of the same present.

-What, already?

-It's not even Christmas Day.

-Exactly.

Stupid grandparents always give them a day early.

Hey, I gave my grandchildren their gifts this morning, actually.

Blimey, is there an epidemic of grandparent pre-emptive gift-giving?

What's the rush? Did someone predict a cold snap?

That's no problem, as long as the gift is in its original packaging.

Yup.

Am I right in assuming that this has been taken out of its packaging?

I can see why you get the big bucks, Michael.

Why didn't you just bring back the unopened one?

Cos it wasn't from this shop.

To be honest, as long as you've got a receipt,

we wouldn't have known anyway.

-I knew it.

-Well, if you knew it, why didn't you do it?

Cos I like things taking much longer than

they actually need to, so this conversation is right up my street.

I can't swap that, sir. For all I know there could be pieces missing.

Right. Well, I'll just have to pay for the trampoline, won't I?

Oh, God, I left me wallet at home when I was getting the receipt out.

-Oh, dear.

-It's all right. Have to phone my wife, won't I?

She can pay for it over the phone with a credit card.

I'm sorry, sir, but we can't accept payment over the phone.

There's a risk of fraud.

At the moment there's a risk of a much bigger crime being committed.

Now, if you don't mind, sir,

I've got paying customers for me to attend to.

Christmas Eve tends to be a busy time for us.

It's a busy time for me.

Now I'm supposed to be at home in the kitchen

-with a wooden spoon mixing a stollen cake.

-You should use your fingers.

Much less chance of bruising the raisins.

Come on. You can clearly see that this is a water battle set.

-Just let me swap it.

-Yes, but like I say,

I can't be certain that all the pieces are there.

Right! I'll prove all the pieces are there.

MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

DING DONG

-P.A.:

-This store will close in five minutes.

We wish all our customers a very merry Christmas.

If I ever meet that bloke,

Allen Key, I am gonna shove his flimsy little invention up his...

DING DONG

One total warfare ultimate blaster water battle set.

Oh, very nice, sir. You look like you've done that before.

-Could I please now swap it for this trampoline?

-I'm afraid not, sir.

There's a bit missing - the upper turret connecting flange bracket.

What?

Looks like a disposable grout spreader. Often gets left out.

-People don't know where to stick it.

-I wish I had it now.

-Sure I could improvise.

-But you don't have it, do you, sir?

So there's nothing I can do.

Merry Christmas, sir,

and may Santa leave a sprinkling of festive magic up your chimney.

-And up yours.

-Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry, sir, but you can't just leave that there.

-You'll have to dismantle it.

-Oh, yeah? And who's gonna make me?

MUSIC: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

Where have you been? I could have made a trampoline in less time.

Do you reckon you could actually do that?

I can't wait to see what you and Daddy have got us this year.

-What is it?

-You'll just have to wait and see.

-They'll be jumping up and down when they find out.

-Well, you might.

Where is it?

They wouldn't let me swap it. There was a piece missing.

Right, everyone, bedtime.

-OK.

-Not you.

I've dumped the water battle set back in the garage.

-It's still in the box.

-Christmas is ruined.

Maybe we can see this as a positive thing.

You know, teach the children not to take things for granted.

I am not using Christmas morning to teach my children a moral lesson

about the value of disappointment.

They can wait for that until they're married.

I could put a cheque in a card.

-All right, it's no substitute for a trampoline.

-I dunno.

-They're both likely to bounce.

-It's good that you can be funny about it.

-Try hysterical.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hello, son.

-Dad. I thought we'd had your festive visit?

You did, and you got me thinking,

about how I've not made much effort with the kiddies.

I mean, I didn't even bring a Christmas present for them.

So I've brought a little something round that they can open tomorrow.

I hope that's a water battle set. We're down to our final two.

It's a trampoline. I heard the kids earlier saying they wanted one.

-Well, how could you afford that?

-Oh, it were nothing.

I just scraped together me life savings and popped along to B&Q.

Only in our family can the words "life savings"

and "B&Q" appear in the same sentence.

-Anyway, I hope they like it.

-They'll love it. Thanks, Dad.

-Happy Christmas, son. I'll see you next week.

-Yeah, see you next week.

This is a Christmas miracle.

We desperately wanted a trampoline for the kids,

and now they've got one.

-Yeah, from my dad.

-Yeah, but they don't know that, do they?

Are you suggesting we steal a trampoline from my father?

Oh, come on, Lee. It all works.

The kids aren't expecting a present from Grandad Frank

so they won't miss out.

They are expecting a present from Mummy and Daddy. Well, here it is.

Yes, all we have to do now is kill my dad

so he never finds out the truth.

-We don't have to do that.

-You said that like you'd considered it.

Frank isn't coming around again until next week,

so that's when we tell him.

We say, "Sorry, Frank, but we'd already got the kids

a trampoline, but we didn't have the heart to tell you

when you came round on Christmas Eve because you looked so happy.

So we popped out on Boxing Day and got something really

special for them from you, their lovely, generous, Grandad Frank.

Well, come on, Lee. It's like something that happens

-in a Christmas film.

-Yeah, The Grinch.

Look, we'll get them something amazing, I promise.

The kids will love it,

and love Grandad Frank for getting it for them, so no-one loses out.

You wouldn't pull this stunt on your own parents.

Right now, Lee, I would rob the three wise men outside the stable.

And at least now you can relax and carry on with your cooking.

Oh, I suppose.

After you've assembled the trampoline.

Oh, and you need to reassemble that water battle set in the garage.

But before you do any of that

you need to hide that water battle set under the stairs.

Could you do me a favour and stick a small paintbrush up my backside?

I think I'll glaze the turkey whilst I'm at it.

MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues

MUSIC: Silent Night

MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues

This is the best Christmas present ever!

You're the best mum and dad in the world!

Do you think they'll still play with the water battle set?

Yep.

Think they like both.

-To the man who made it all happen.

-What, my dad?

It's not actually stealing, is it?

The kids ended up with the same present,

and they'll get an even better one from Frank on Boxing Day,

so in a way we've sort of done everyone a favour.

-I wish you'd help me set that trampoline up.

-Why?

Because it was really difficult to stretch,

but seeing what you can do with the truth, you'd have been a natural.

I feel bad enough without the guilt trip.

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.

Coco Chanel said that.

Will you cheer up, before I throw a bucket of water in your face?

Coco the Clown said that.

Haven't you got cooking to do?

-Yeah, better finish that stollen cake.

-Oh, it's all right.

I did that last night while you were finishing up in the garage.

-Did you do it properly?

-Yes.

-Did you use fresh cinnamon?

-I put cinnamon in, yes.

-Fresh cinnamon?

-Yes. It was in date.

God, you put dried cinnamon in my stollen cake.

-No-one will be able to tell.

-Your mum will.

-She could get a job at an airport with that nose.

-Will you calm down?

Blimey, where's your sense of humour gone?

Do that again and I will smash those guns with a brick.

Dinner smells good.

-Better late than never.

-Christmas drink?

Better late than never.

Mum and Dad will be here in a minute.

Better...finish this bread sauce.

-We love the trampoline.

-And Santa's present.

Why didn't Grandad Frank get us anything?

Is it because he's as tight as a gnat's chuff?

Don't say mean things about Grandad Frank.

But Daddy says mean things about him all the time.

-You called him a feckless Alfie.

-A feckless alky.

-Don't correct her.

What's an alky?

-Who wants some chocolate before dinner?

-Me!

It's the really sticky kind that means you can't talk.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Ooh!

-Happy Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

Mummy and Daddy got us a trampoline!

-Lucky you!

-I imagine it was a devil to put together.

I was up till 4am.

If I were you I'd have started the job a little earlier, Lee.

Thanks, Geoffrey. I'll bear that in mind for next year.

Oh, sorry we had to ask you to come a bit later.

Things got a bit delayed.

Well, dinner is almost ready, so if you'd like to take a seat, kids.

You'll ruin dinner. I'm assuming the chocolates are from Frank again.

-No, Grandad Frank didn't get us anything this year.

-Oh, good God.

Yes, but he has promised to bring you something next week.

What could be more fun to play with on Christmas morning than a promise?

I happen to know he's bought

a really great present this year, actually.

-What is it?

-Well, what are you hoping Grandad Frank has got you?

-cos whatever it is, I bet he won't let you down.

-A puppy!

-A pony!

A holiday to Disney World Florida!

-All right, he might let you down a bit.

-Exactly.

-Oh, come on, Dad.

-You never know with Frank. He sometimes surprises us.

-Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas.

-Dad, what are you doing here?

-I'm sorry.

-My presence not welcome?

-We wouldn't know. He never brings any.

-Haven't you eaten yet? I had mine hours ago.

-Things got delayed.

Lee was up all night building a trampoline.

-I suppose that were my fault, really.

-Oh, why's that?

Has Lee not told you?

Kids, is there anything you'd like to say to your Grandad Frank?

-Have you brought us a Christmas present?

-Another one?

Yeah, what was wrong with last year's?

I heard a kindly old man came into this house last night

and left a rather special present for you kids.

He's talking about Santa.

Thank you, Lucy, I think

we were all managing to keep up with the conversation.

Santa's not the only one who brings presents, is he?

Is it too much for a man to ask for a big hug as a thank you?

Thank you.

There you go, she said it. Come on, Dad, I'll get you a drink.

I thought you were trying to avoid Lucy's parents today.

I was, but now I've bought that trampoline

I can look Geoffrey directly in the eyes.

Bit extreme, innit? Couldn't you have just worn your Cuban heels?

So why was Molly thanking you for that trampoline?

Look, Dad, I've got a sort of confession to make.

We'd already got the kids a trampoline,

so we didn't give 'em the one you bought.

I was gonna tell you last night, but you looked so happy.

-So the kids don't know I've got 'em anything?

-Sorry, Dad.

We didn't think you'd be coming round till next week,

and by then we'd have exchanged it for something really special,

and told them it was from you.

So if you think about it, we were sort of doing you a favour.

There's no need to thank me.

I suppose these things happen, but I can't have them kids thinking

I've not got 'em anything,

so let's go in there and explain to everyone now.

Do you know, I can't wait to see the look on Geoffrey's face

-when we show him my trampoline.

-What do you mean, show him?

Well, he's not gonna believe it otherwise, is he?

I mean it's a bit of a coincidence both of us getting trampolines.

-Right.

-Where's my one? In the garage?

Actually, I put it in the loft.

-Must have been a bit heavy, getting it up there.

-Yeah, it was.

Through that little hatch.

Yeah. I wish I hadn't assembled it first.

It would have been a lot easier.

Why drag something into the loft

when you were taking it back to the shop a couple of days later?

Well, you know me, Dad.

I like to make life as complicated as I possibly can for myself.

Great minds think alike, eh?

You've got the same one as me, with a big letter J on it for "Jump".

-Well, like you, we went to Homebase for it.

-B&Q.

Homebase was closed so we went to B&Q.

I've met some villains in my time,

but never anyone that would steal a trampoline

off his own father on Christmas Eve.

To be fair, Dad, that is a very specific crime.

I'm sorry, Dad. It was an emergency.

Who needs a trampoline in an emergency?

Who are you, the fire brigade in a Charlie Chaplin film?

We had no choice. We needed a present for the kids.

Get them your own present.

We did, but Lucy's parents got the same thing.

Oh, and we can't risk offending Wendy and Geoffrey, can we?

God forbid. But me? Me, I'm treated like a dog.

No, you're not. I let you sit on the sofa.

I spent my life savings on that trampoline.

I know you did, Dad, and me and Lucy feel terrible about it.

You'd be completely justified walking back in there

and telling everyone the truth.

But please don't. I'm begging you.

-He knows.

-Oh, God.

We'd invite you to join us, Frank,

but of course you've already had your Christmas dinner.

Oh, I think I can find room for a little bit more.

After all, when I'm chewing I'm not talking. Right, son?

You sure, Dad? Remember what the doctor said

about watching your weight.

Yeah, but you know me. I'm up and down, up and down, up and down.

-Just like a...

-I get it.

Um, those carrots were very nice, Lee.

Slightly unusual texture.

-What glaze are you using?

-The dead-eyed stare.

-It's a honey glaze. Pinched the recipe from Nigella.

-Really?

Not like you to pinch things, Lee.

So, come on, then, Charlie.

You haven't told us what this water battle set is like yet.

Haven't really played with it much. I've been too busy on my trampoline.

We love the trampoline!

Yeah, but you love the water battle set too, don't you?

Yeah, the water battle set went down a storm with the kids.

-Just not as great as the trampoline.

-Yes, but better than nothing, Frank.

Another roast potato, Geoffrey?

Not for me, thanks, but, um, lovely food. Well done, Lee.

Nice when somebody makes an effort, isn't it, Frank?

Oh, it certainly is.

And you know what else our Lee is very good at cooking up? Pork pies.

Great big fat porky pies, that he likes feeding to the kids.

-More veg, Frank?

-Oops!

I nearly spilled the beans, then, didn't I, Lucy?

-Who wants to pull a cracker with Grandad Frank?

-Me!

Oh, look, Molly, a little toy mirror.

Ask your dad can he bring himself to look in it.

You can have that.

Very generous of you, Frank.

It's what Christmas is all about, isn't it? Sharing, giving.

-You don't have to tell me that.

-Is that right?

-You know what?

It's about time I told you something.

No. Let me tell you something first, Dad.

-Do you remember that Christmas when I was seven?

-What?

-I wanted a swing-ball set, but I didn't get it.

-Didn't you?

And I didn't get one when I was eight, or nine, or ten.

Every year I used to ask for that swing-ball, but I never got it.

You used to say to me, "Maybe next year, son.

"If you're good you'll get one,"

and every year I used to try really hard to be a good little boy,

but it never worked.

I never got that swing-ball.

And yet despite all that,

there's still a part of me that thinks somehow, one day,

I might just get what I really, really want for Christmas.

Who knows? Maybe this year.

I'm sorry to break this to you, Lee,

but if he hasn't got the grandchildren anything,

I doubt very much he's got you a swing-ball.

What were you going to tell us, Frank?

Kids, you know you think your mum

and dad are so wonderful for getting that trampoline?

-Yeah.

-Well, guess what?

They are wonderful.

They're the best parents in the whole wide world.

Don't listen to him. It's his word... What?

Lee's right.

I was a bit of a rubbish dad, and I can't change that now -

but that doesn't mean I don't recognise

when somebody else is making a better job of it than I did.

So I think it's time...we raised our glasses...to Lee and Lucy...

..for being such a great mum and dad.

-I'll drink to that.

-Me too.

-Cheers!

-Thanks, Dad.

-I just got my swing-ball.

-See, he's not such a feckless alky.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, that'll be Anna and Toby.

-Oh, Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Come in.

Mummy, can we take Jack into the garden

and show him our water battle set?

Course you can.

Oh, and kids,

I just want to say I'm sorry that I didn't get the chance

to get you anything this year,

but I'll make it up to you in a few days, I promise.

Don't I, Lee?

-Absolutely.

-What will you get us?

-Yes, what will I get them, Lee?

-I know. What about swing-ball?

What is swing-ball?

It's a tennis ball tied to a piece of string,

and you hit it round and round a post.

Or maybe a PlayStation.

Say no more. Really, say no more.

-A PlayStation it is.

-Yeah!

Thanks, Grandad Frank. You're brilliant.

-So how's your Christmas been so far?

-It's been wonderful.

Really, really wonderful.

Well, I'm glad somebody's Christmas has worked out.

It's been a little bit tough. Listen to this.

I got home with Anna last night.

Well, that's not easy, but you did marry her.

I went straight out to the garage to put Jack's trampoline together,

and guess what?

The garage had been broken into and the trampoline had been stolen.

-Have you told the police?

-Yes, and we gave a full description.

Nine feet tall and bright blue.

Sounds like he should be quite an easy burglar to recognise.

Well, it shouldn't be hard to spot.

We had it specially made for Jack, with a big letter J on it.

The police say if it was taken by professionals

it's probably miles away by now.

Yeah, but then again, if it was taken by a complete bloody moron,

it could be right under your nose.

Dad, can you give me a hand with the desserts, please?

-Well?

-I don't know where you keep the pudding bowls.

Did you steal that trampoline?

-How dare you? I bought it.

-From B&Q?

Might have been Argos... or Toys R Us.

-Come to think of it...

-Yes?

I might have bought it off a bloke in the pub.

-Still cost me money, though. £50.

-£50?

-You said it was your life savings.

-£50 is my life savings.

And you didn't think possibly that it just might be stolen?

No. The bloke said he was a market trader with leftover stock.

There was no reason not to trust him.

-What was his name?

-Mickey the Fingers.

See that wooden thing out there, next to that stolen trampoline?

-Do you know what that is?

-A fence.

-That's what you are.

And on that fence, see that robin?

They take food from other birds

and pretend they've hunted it themselves.

-That's what you are.

-That's magpies.

-All right, Bill Oddie.

-What the hell are we gonna do?

-Well, we haven't got any choice, have we?

We're gonna have to tell Anna and Toby the truth

and tell them exactly where it came from.

You can't, Lee. With my record they'll never believe me.

I could go to prison.

Please don't tell 'em that trampoline came from me,

I'm begging you.

Sorry, can I just get some water?

Kids sound like they're having fun.

Remind me again, what was it you got them?

Water battle set.

Well, they're obviously enjoying it.

It's just a shame Jack didn't get to enjoy his Mummy and Daddy present.

If they ever get their hands on the swines

that stole his trampoline I hope they string them up.

We've gone too soft in this country on petty criminals.

I say lock them up and teach the other thieves a lesson.

Ruining a child's Christmas like that - unforgiveable.

Yeah, but never mind. Presents aren't everything.

I mean there are lots of other nice things at Christmas, like...food.

Look at this! Lee made it. Isn't it lovely? It's stolen. Stollen!

Stollen cake. What do you think?

-Very nice.

-I'll try a bit later.

-Now! Try some now. Right now.

-Do you want some, Toby?

There's a trampoline in your garden.

How the hell did that get there?

You said you got them a water battle set.

Yeah, but these toys, they never look the same

as the picture on the box once you've built them.

It's got a letter J on it.

I know. J for Charlie.

Charlie isn't his first name. It's his middle name.

What's his first name, then?

Jesus.

Why is our trampoline in your garden?

Oh, just tell them the truth, Lee.

-It was bought from a bloke in the pub.

-What bloke?

Mickey the Fence.

-Fingers.

-Who's telling this story?

What kind of idiot buys his presents from a bloke in a pub?

I tell you exactly what kind of idiot.

It was...

It was me. I bought it.

It was very stupid of me. Very, very, very stupid of me.

-Yes, it was.

-Very stupid indeed.

Bloody stupid.

Yeah, not the best idea you've ever had, Lee.

Yeah, but we were desperate for a present at the last minute.

-We did what any parent would have done.

-Any parent?

All right, we did what no other parent would ever dream of doing.

There's something very odd about this.

Am I right in saying you used dried cinnamon and not fresh?

Oh, phone the police. Don't phone the police.

Well, I suppose at least we've found our trampoline.

Jack can have his present.

I'll go and dismantle it.

We'll just have to tell our kids that they've lost their present.

Good news, sweetheart. You know the Christmas trampoline you wanted?

Forget that. I don't want a trampoline. Trampolines are boring.

But you've been asking for one for the last three months.

I know, but now I want a water battle set like they've got.

They're brilliant.

Jack, follow me.

MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams

Merry Christmas, Jack.

-This is from your mum and dad.

-Thanks, you're the best.

-You're assembling it.

-Course I am.

Next year they are getting a pony.