Camping Not Going Out

# Yeah not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need To scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

We've just popped round to borrow that sleeping bag, Lucy.

-It's in the hallway.

-I don't know why we can't snuggle up in one?

Daisy, we can't share one sleeping bag.

We could go top to tail.

LAUGHTER

We're going camping this weekend.

-I hate camping.

-Course you do, it's for real men.

Men who like pitting their wits against all nature has to offer,

knowing that one mistake or one bad decision could mean life or death.

Where are you going?

Buttercup Family Campsite.

LAUGHTER

I'll get that sleeping bag.

Oh, why don't you two join us this weekend?

You're joking, right? Lee couldn't cope with camping.

Why couldn't I?

Well come on, Tim's right, you're not exactly a man's man, are you?

You what? I grew up on a council estate.

That is your answer to everything. "Why haven't you got me a Christmas present, Lee?"

-MIMICKING LEE:

-"I grew up on a council estate."

'Why don't you shower every day, Lee?"

-MIMICKING LEE:

-"I grew up on a council estate."

"What's the capital of Bulgaria, Lee?"

-MIMICKING LEE:

-"I grew up on a council estate."

Yeah, well, if there's one thing they taught me, it's "stick to your story".

-Who did?

-Everyone. I grew up on a council estate.

LAUGHTER

-Anyway, I'd last a lot longer camping than someone like you.

-What do you mean, "someone like me?"

Yeah, racist.

LAUGHTER

You wouldn't last five minutes away from your work desk with all your gadgets.

You'd never adapt to living in the great outdoors.

I'd adapt a lot better than you did to living indoors.

LAUGHTER

All right. Let's both go camping.

Fine. Let's do it.

OK. But no technology allowed. No laptops, no gizmos, no nothing.

Suits me.

I mean it. No gadgets whatsoever. It's back to nature.

Ooh, get Bear Grylls!

No, they're definitely not allowed.

A bear grill would be massive.

LAUGHTER

I thought you hated camping?

Well, I've changed my mind.

I've decided I love a bit of Mother Nature.

In fact, she's on my MILF list.

Yeah, well, I have a bit of a problem with Mother Nature.

She doesn't have flushing toilets, she smells of poo and she's covered in bugs.

You should have met Lee's mother.

I love the great outdoors.

I learnt all about it when I was in a gang. We were pretty tough lads.

Exploring. Starting fires. Helping old people.

Tim, the Cubs isn't a gang.

So, where exactly are you two going to be sleeping?

I've brought a tent.

What about you, Lucy?

Well... Lee said I could sleep in his.

-Stop the car!

-You're driving.

Oh yeah.

You can't share a tent with someone of the opposite sex unless you're a couple.

Oh yeah, I forgot about the Tent Cohabitation Act 1908.

It's not acceptable behaviour. Would you share a hotel room together?

-Well, I'm up for it if you...

-I wasn't suggesting it!

LAUGHTER

I've got a spare tent for you, Lucy. And there's only room for one, it's a one-man tent.

Very sexist isn't it, camping? One "man" tent. "Guy" rope...

Carry On Camping.

Pass me the sat nav.

It's not there.

Oh yeah, I took your sat nav out and left it at home.

Oh, brilliant!

Well, don't get in a Timmy Tiz with me.

Lee said the rules were no gadgets allowed.

Oh, did he?

I didn't mean sat navs, I meant office stuff.

So what's the plan, Mr No Gadgets Allowed?

We're going to use a map, Mrs... Tits.

I'll get us to that campsite and have the barbecue set up before you can say, "sat navs are for losers."

I'm sure it was that last turning.

LAUGHTER

Give me that map.

Get off! Women aren't as good at map reading.

What?

It's not sexist, it's a scientific fact. It's something to do with spatial awareness.

I'm surprised that caught you unaware then. It's like you've got "spacial" needs.

Well thanks to Lee we're not going to find this campsite tonight, are we?

Oh great. Now what?

Will you stop panicking? We are surrounded by countryside, we can camp anywhere.

No, we can't.

You have to be a minimum 100 metres away from an A or B road,

not on privately-owned farmland or recognised archaeological sites.

The Camping Code of Conduct isn't written just for fun, you know.

Oh, that's just an added bonus, is it?

All right, we'll go off the beaten track then.

Here we go. "Grinchly Woods". That'll be nice.

How do you know?

I dunno. Because I've heard of it before.

So? You've heard of eczema.

Isn't that a National Park?

LAUGHTER

OWL HOOTS

Are you sure about this? Those woods look a bit spooky.

What's the problem? It's just a load of trees. Trees don't hurt you.

It was the last thing he said, officer, then we heard "Timber!"

Maybe it was the scene of a horrific murder where the killer brutally dismembered his victims

and the story wedged a place in the dark recesses of your mind.

Or maybe you've seen it on Countryfile.

Well, if we'd have been allowed to bring some technology I could have Googled it.

Then again, if we'd been allowed to bring guns, I could have shot myself!

NOISE OUTSIDE

What was that?

It was just the sound of a twig breaking.

Yeah? But what stood on it to make it break?

Maybe it was the sound of a neck being broken.

No, Daisy, that's a completely different sound. Allow me to demonstrate.

Right, we're finding somewhere a little bit less... Scooby Doo.

(RAPPING) Yeah, to manage this dramaticness I call my rep every step,

stay on deck, keeping bustaz in check.

Certified murder guide, through the streets of death.

LAUGHTER

Oh sorry... no. Scooby Doo! I was getting mixed up. I thought you meant Snoop Doggy Dog.

LOUD ENGINE NOISE

-What's that?

-It sounds awful.

Yeah, like the scream of a man having his throat slit.

ALL: Shut up!

LOUD WHIRRING NOISE

It's the fan belt slipping.

SILENCE

And then snapping.

Look, just get us out of this place and in the morning, we'll find a mechanic who can sort it out.

-OK.

-Er, excuse me! We don't need to find anyone.

I think you'll find you've got a real man here with you in the car.

Take your tights off.

I'm trying to work out what's worse. Saying it to my girlfriend or saying it to my sister.

Actually, I was saying it to you.

LAUGHTER

Come on, Lucy, you've got tights on under those jeans.

Take them off we'll use them as a temporary fan belt.

How do you know that?

Every bloke in the world knows that.

I mean how do you know my sister wears tights under her jeans?

Every bloke in the world knows that.

I saw you putting them on in your bedroom this morning.

I couldn't help it, the door was open and the mirror was at a funny angle.

By the time you'd taken them out of the suitcase on the top of your cupboard,

undone the packaging and slipped them on, it was too late to avert my gaze.

-It's a good idea. It helps your circulation.

-Thank you. Oh, her.

Forget it. I'm not letting you mess with my car.

We'll do what Lucy says and let an expert look in the morning.

Fine. But if you drive off now, you'll be invalidating your extended warranty.

SCREECHES TO A HALT

Right, Lucy. Get 'em off.

Whilst you're doing that, I'll go and check out the damage.

There's a torch in the glove box.

No, there isn't. I took that out as well.

LAUGHTER

You said no electronic gadgets.

It's got to be a wind up.

Exactly, this one was battery operated!

Don't worry, I'll improvise.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Of course I know what I'm doing. I know loads about cars, can we just pop the hood, please?

"We should find a mechanic, he'll sort it out". No, Lucy, I'll sort it out.

Because believe it or not, I am actually a bloke.

I wish people would stop treating me like an idiot.

OK. Rev it!

ENGINE REVS

I can't believe I'm letting Lee fix my car.

Look, cut him some slack. He's just trying to prove himself the alpha male.

Who knows? He might surprise you.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

HE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

Well, at least you kept your promise of a barbecue.

By the way, Daisy, if this sort of thing ever happens again,

the correct procedure is to roll someone on the ground or cover them with a blanket.

Not just blow really hard.

LAUGHTER

TRIES ENGINE

Well, the car's not going anywhere.

Looks like we're going to have to sleep in the woods after all.

Well, we could sleep in the car, I suppose. It's certainly warmer.

Well, it is now!

Have you lot gone soft? We're supposed to be on a camping trip. Where's your sense of adventure?

Actually sleeping in the car might be a bad idea. We might get deep vein thrombosis?

What's that?

It's a clotting in the arteries after sitting for too long.

Is that the same as Jet Set Willy?

You're right, I can't spend all night in this car.

Great. We'll find a nice secluded spot, set up camp and sort all this out in the morning.

What was that?

What?

I'm sure I just saw somebody near those trees.

It's probably just an animal or something.

What kind of animal?

I dunno. What animal roams around in the woods at night?

A chicken?

LAUGHTER

You don't get man-sized chickens.

You get family-sized chickens.

I'm telling you I just saw a man.

Maybe it was a man dressed as a chicken.

I'm not sleeping on my own in those woods.

Well, if you're nervous, you can always share my tent.

Don't raise your eyebrows at me.

At least I've still got some.

Good job I didn't say "keep your hair on."

You'll be fine in your own tent, Lucy, there was nothing there.

Well, go out in the woods and check then.

Lee can go. I think I might stay here and prepare the marshmallows for toasting.

Do you do any other impressions? Or is it just Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2?

Go on then... I thought you said earlier we had a real man in the car. You're not scared, are you?

Course I'm not. I grew up on a council estate.

If it's a bear, punch him on the nose.

That's sharks.

Oh yeah.

Only punch him on the nose if it's a shark.

Or a man dressed as a shark.

RUSTLING

Oh, it's you deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Correctly spelt.

Tough crowd.

EERIE MUSIC

Ow!

What the hell are you doing?

I come out here to check you're OK and that's how you thank me? You're not up north now, Lee.

Down here we still communicate with speech.

Oh, very funny. Take that off your face now, Lee.

I'm not joking.

I've just about had enough of you today, Lee.

If you don't take that off now,

I'll come over there and take it off for you.

"Or you could just keep it on.

It really suits you actually.

Oi! Over here!

That's it. Come on."

I've got some photos of Charlie Cairoli's wife in my pocket.

No, over here!

That's it. No funny business.

Actually, change of plan. Go back the other way.

Oi!

-Oi!

-Oi!

Oi!

Come on, Lee. It's your go.

Lee?

HE WHIMPERS

He-e-elp!

-Lock your doors!

-Why?

-Just lock them!

It wasn't a chicken, was it?

It was a man.

Well, at least I think it was. He was wearing a mask.

What, you mean it was a chicken dressed as a man?

What do you mean, a mask?

A clown mask.

Was he standing on the back of a zebra?

No.

Well, the last one I saw was.

And when he fell off, everyone just laughed.

But I cried, especially when the ambulance

that picked him up fell apart.

-What was he doing?

-Throwing eggs at people.

The clown in the woods!

Don't know, we ran off.

Oh, God! Do you think he's a psychopath?

Of course he's not.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Yeah, perhaps he's lost.

Maybe he was shot out of a cannon.

Well, whoever he is, he's out there.

THUNDERCLAP

-We've got to get out of here!

-How can we?

We're in the middle of nowhere and the car's not working.

I saw a film recently called Roadkill.

Loads of college kids break down in the desert in their campervan.

They all decided to leave the vehicle. Do you know what happened?

One by one, they were picked off and eaten

by a family of inbred cannibals!

Well, thanks for that(!)

I'm thinking of having a nightmare later, but I'm running out of ideas. I'll try and work that in(!)

Oh, God! It's always the pretty boys they get first!

I saw a film about people that broke down in a car

and they stayed exactly where they where and didn't get killed.

In fact, it was the car that led them to safety.

What film was that?

Herbie Goes Bananas.

Look, we're staying put, keeping the doors locked

and we'll find help in the morning.

We'll take it in turns to keep lookout.

And who put you in charge? If it wasn't for your stupid

no gadgets allowed policy, the police would have been here by now!

I hope you're not blaming me for this. It's not me that shouted at Coco the Bloody Psychopath!

-I thought you said he wasn't a psychopath!

-He wasn't at first,

but Tim has a way of bringing out the worst in people.

Could be worse. We could be in Milton Keynes.

-What?

-You said Milton Keynes was full of psychopaths.

Cycle paths!

WOLF HOWLING

THUNDER RUMBLING

Tim?

Tim, you awake?

HE SNORES

Thank you, Lord Sugar.

Please, call me Margaret.

HE BLOWS

HE BLOWS AGAIN

I know you're used to inflating the women in your life,

but please don't do it to me.

Do you think he's gone?

I hope so.

But if he hasn't, don't worry. I'll look after you.

Like I say, when we do find a proper campsite,

if you're still nervous you can always sleep in my tent.

She'll be fine.

-I thought you were asleep.

-You were hoping I was asleep.

No, I was hoping you were in a coma.

I thought it was really brave to go out there on your own.

It was nothing.

Going in to those woods was just natural instinct.

It's the one advantage of being brought up by a family of gibbons.

Sometimes in life, you've got to forget your own safety

and just protect those around you.

If you're looking for the pretty boy, he's sat in the front.

Lucy, you know when there's a fire and you're supposed to say,

"Mr Sands is in the building." So nobody panics?

Yeah?

Well, Mr Chuckles has just popped up to say hello.

Oh, you and your disgusting euphemisms!

If you don't stop trying it on with my sis...

THEY SCREAM

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry, I was dreaming I was in Australia.

There must have been a bit of a delay.

He's gone.

Are you sure?

I think so.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God, there's two of them!

What do you want, you red-nosed, grinning, bald-headed bastard?!

I think we should calm down.

They're clowns.

They're probably just after the tents.

It's not just a couple of clowns, I'm afraid.

-What the hell's going on?

-I don't know,

but something tells me we're in big trouble.

Oh, thank God, it's Batman!

-They're coming!

-Oh my God, they're going to kill us!

Quick, in the glove box.

We'll never fit in there!

There's a camping knife!

Oh.

Please tell me you didn't leave that at home?

-Well, it is a gadget.

-No, it isn't!

Well, Inspector Gadget had one in his thumb.

Look, Daisy, I love you to bits,

but it has to be said sometimes you are an absolute idiot.

Oh yeah? And what were you going to do with a knife, posh nuts? Offer to slice their cheese

or use take the foil off their bloody Chardonnay?!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, hi, Mum.

Yeah, having a lovely time, thanks.

Well, the weather's not great

and Tim's car broke down.

Oh yeah, and the car's been surrounded by loads of nutters.

It's not too bad, they've gone for a light-hearted theme.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, I lost signal.

What?

Have you had that all this time?

Oh, I see! Sorry.

I suppose it is a sort of gadget, isn't it?

I'll turn it off.

It's no good, the reception's gone.

Someone's going to have to get out of the car, try to get a signal,

then phone the police.

-I'll go.

-No, you can't go.

If anything happened, I'd never forgive myself.

Especially after my outburst. You mean the world to me.

Lee, you go.

Come on. You keep telling us what a big man you are.

Now's your chance to prove it.

Unlock the door. It's time for Batman to meet The Joker.

-BANG

-Oof!

Could you take off the child locks, please, Timothy?

Tell the police to get here as quick as they can.

Thanks for that, I was going to ask them to take the scenic route(!)

Listen, If anything happens, you know,

if they come back and start attacking me,

do you promise you'll get out of the car and...

Good luck!

Oi! I've just had this Turtle-Waxed!

Yes!

OWL SCREECHING

MOBILE PHONE RINGING

Hello?

You must be Daisy's Mum.

No, she's a bit busy at the moment.

All right, I'll let her know.

Yeah, she loves that one, doesn't she?

Bye.

-Daisy?

-Yeah?

Herbie Rides Again's on at half ten tomorrow night on ITV4.

Oh, brilliant! Thank you!

Hello.

Lee, do something!

Lucy, there's something you should know about me.

Something I've never told anyone before.

What is it?

I never really grew up on a council estate.

Argh!

Come on then, Ronald McDonald!

I'll have a Happy Meal with fries, you great big ginger-haired freak!

Do you want some?! I'll rip your bloody face off!

Is that another mask?

What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?

What's going on?

Well, we were going to ask you lot the same question.

What?

When are you lot going to start dogging?

What do you mean, dogging?

-It's when people watch other people in cars...

-I know what it means!

I don't.

SHE WHISPERS

What with actual dogs?!

We saw the young lady taking her stockings off in the car

and you have been parked here all night

on a very well-known dogging site.

Well, for those in the know anyway.

Oh, yeah! Grinchly Woods. That's why I've heard of it.

It was a documentary on TV.

Part of Channel 4's Dogging Night.

God, that was weird last night, wasn't it?

Who would have thought all those superheroes were doggers?

Yeah. Good job Catwoman wasn't there. They'd have torn her apart.

Anyway, well done. I thought you were very brave.

Well, just cos a man's in his 70s, you don't let him intimidate you.

I take it back, you are a sort of...man.

-Now you sound like my dad.

-Why?

He used to say that to my mum.

Do you know, I could get quite used to this camping malarkey.

Maybe we should make it a regular thing.

Sure, as long as we can always come to this camp site.

The facilities are great. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd