Dads Not Going Out

# Yeah, not going out I'm not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

Do you ever empty that dishwasher?

I'm not the one that keeps filling it up.

PHONE RINGS

What's this?

T-Mobile?

Why are you hiding the phone?

Because I didn't want YOU answering it.

Tim wants to come round and watch the cricket. I hate cricket.

Well, why doesn't he just watch it on his own TV?

-Daisy just got rid of it.

-Why?

Because it was high-definition.

She said all that clarity was affecting her brain.

KNOCK AT DOOR Don't answer it.

Stop being selfish and let him in!

Football's on. Chorley are playing in the Leyland DAF Cup against Frickley Athletic.

If we win, we're in the final.

Are we? I didn't realise. What position do you want ME in?

Don't!

It's all right, forget about it.

It's only a semi.

Only? At your age, I'd count your blessings.

KNOCK AT DOOR

My beautiful son!

Oh, my God, say it's not true!

Shocking injuries, aren't they?

Oh, I didn't even spot the injuries.

Before you start worrying about me...

-I'm not worried.

-..I'm not going to die.

OK, now I'm worried.

There's something I want to tell you.

A piece of important advice, save you ending up like your old dad.

Go on!

Never go out with your shoelaces undone.

So, you tripped?

No, I bent over to tie them and a bus hit me.

-Thanks for the advice.

-Aren't you going to let me in?

I don't think that's a good idea, do you?

Just for five minutes, son.

It doesn't work, does it - me and you in the same room together?

It's like putting a chicken in a room with a...

well, with an alcoholic man who keeps trying to borrow money off it.

-Two minutes, then.

-I'm sorry, Dad.

KNOCK AT DOOR

How are you knocking?

This is my driver.

And where does he sit?

I know what you're thinking, but I'm not after your money, I swear.

If I'm lying, may God strike me down.

God HAS struck you down!

Good point.

In that case, can you give me a tenner for the cab?

Here's 20. Take him back where you found him.

He's only having a joke with you, pal.

Keep the change.

Hey! Where are you going?!

You can't leave him there. Technically that's fly tipping.

Oi!

Oh, Frank, you poor man.

I know, love. I've been stuck in that hospital for three weeks,

propped up, just drooling in front of the TV.

You can't imagine what it were like.

I think he can.

At one point, they considered switching the machine off.

Yeah, I tried that.

He just watches his reflection in the screen.

Then the hospital said they needed a bed, so they chucked me out.

-Can we do anything?

-Well, there's a convalescent home

said they can take me from Monday. So, I just need a bed for two days.

Two days? Before, it was two minutes.

What's the difference?

Er, two days, actually.

I can understand what you're feeling.

God knows, I haven't done enough to earn your respect over the years.

But I want to promise you, here and now...

I'll not walk out on you this time.

I know you won't, that's the bloody problem!

-Lee!

-It's all right, love. I can tell I'm not welcome in your home.

I'll see myself out.

Don't be silly, Dad.

I can wheel you out.

-Agh! Agh! The pain.

-He needs help, Lee.

It's all right, Lucy, love.

I'll get some pain relief when I'm homeless.

I've heard there's people in back alleys selling drugs.

-Lee, can I have a word, please?

-Yes.

In private!

-Where's your compassion?

-Have you forgotten what he's like?

This is the man who cleaned bird poo off his car with my school uniform.

Oh that's not that bad.

I was still wearing it.

-I'm chucking him out now!

-OK, here's your choice.

Either you go and tell him he can stay for two nights,

or I tell him he can stay for two weeks.

-You can't do that.

-Yes, I can. It's my flat.

You're the lodger.

Have you any idea what it's like

spending your life having someone just sponging off you?

It was rhetorical(!)

Right, Dad. You can stay. Two days, max.

But then you go to the convalescent home. Do you understand?

-Dad!

-There's something I want you to do for me, son.

Can you wipe this tear of joy from my eye?

It depends. Can you catch the vomit rising in my throat?

I'll go to the chemist and get you some painkillers, Frank.

Thanks, love. You're both very kind.

I'm filling up.

You've already said.

No, I mean I need the toilet.

-Argh!

-Oh, great.

I go through that trauma, then you say you can't go.

It's not easy with someone staring at you.

Staring? Trust me, Dad, I spent the whole time with my eyes tightly shut.

Is that why it took you ten minutes to find it?

If it makes you feel better, Dad, yeah.

Right, I'm going to put some bleach on my hands.

Stay there, Lucy will be back with your painkillers in a minute.

Nice girl, that Lucy. Is she still single?

Yeah.

Might have a go meself.

You what?

What I've learned recently is to live every day as if it's your last.

I've had the face of death bearing down on me.

That doesn't mean she wants it bearing down on HER.

Oh, here she is, Florence Nightingale.

These should take the pain away, Frank.

But they're very, very strong, so only take one at a time.

Oh, don't listen to her. Knock yourself out!

Oh, he won't need water.

Well, how am I going to swallow that? It's huge.

You're not going to swallow it. It's a suppository.

There you go, Dad. She did go to a back-alley drug dealer after all.

Well, I'm glad you're taking this so calmly, Lee.

You'll have to administer it.

I have already touched the eel, I'm going nowhere near the starfish.

Come on, what's the worst possible thing you could find up there?

My hand!

-Are you going to do it or not?

-Depends.

-On what?

-Has our hoover got a blow function?

-No.

-Well, then, I'm not doing it.

Which is a relief for me AND Henry.

The sooner you do it, the sooner it's over.

You are supposed to be an absent father - you have let me down again.

Well?

Can you give us a bit of space?

Why, are you planning on taking a run up?

OK, I need to nip out for a few hours anyway.

Will you still be in when I get back?

Not unless he's got a very powerful clench reflex.

Just make sure you do it.

Come on, Son. Pull your finger out!

Where are you going?

Putting on gloves.

How far are you planning on pushing it?

I don't want to taste it as well, you know.

You're putting in a pill, you're not taking out a rack of lamb.

Haven't you got Marigolds?

You still get the sensation of touch in Marigolds.

Well, you're not using those.

You're lucky I'm not looking for my snooker cue and some old Blu-Tack.

Look, I'm sorry, Dad. I can't go through with this.

Well, somebody's got to do it. You heard the lady.

PHONE RINGS

Tim! Great to hear from you, mate.

So, let me be absolutely clear what you're asking me here.

OK.

You're asking me to come round to your flat

and watch the cricket.

Yep.

-And that's it?

-Absolutely.

Why am I getting the distinct feeling there's a "but" involved?

You're too late, you should have picked up the phone earlier.

Daisy and I are going to my dad's to listen on the radio.

And it starts soon, so I'll see you later.

Well, why not bring Daisy round too?

And your dad. It'll be good company for MY dad.

-Your dad?

-Oh, sorry, didn't I mention?

-He suddenly turned up this morning.

-Really? How is he?

Same as ever - plastered.

Him and your dad will get on great.

Come on, Lee. What's this really about?

OK, there is something.

What it is is...

I'm really envious of your relationship with your father.

And I just think me and my dad could learn something from it.

Well, why didn't you say that to begin with?

I didn't think of it.

If you and your dad are having relationship problems,

-of course I'll help.

-Thanks.

To use cricketing terms, you're asking me to step up to the crease.

And I won't let you down.

Right, come in, everybody. Make yourself at home.

What's happened to your dad?

Oh, my God! He was fine when I left him.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Apparently accidents in the home are getting worse and worse.

-He was hit by a bus.

-Yeah, I rest my case.

Where have you been? You've been ages.

You left him here in the flat on his own? Are you out of your mind?

I appreciate your concern, but he can't move

and I hid all the valuables, so I think I was safe.

Geoffrey, this is my father, Frank.

-Fancy a snifter, Frank?

-That's very generous of you, Geoffrey.

Er... He's fine, thanks. He's the designated driver.

Oh, come on. I'm sure your father could do with a loosener.

Actually, er, you might have a point.

It's a bit early for whisky, isn't it, Dad? I'll stick the kettle on.

Having said that, if you want whisky, that's fine, Father.

It's important we respect each other's wishes.

That's the secret of a great father-son relationship.

If you ever hit me again, I suggest you give it your best shot.

Then again, I suspect you just did.

Tim thinks it's wrong of me to drink in the daytime.

Lee's exactly the same with me and prostitutes.

Can we please try and keep it civilised, Dad?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's a delight to meet you all. Charmed, I'm sure.

And now that we're acquainted, which one of you

is going to be sticking a pill up my arsehole today?

I beg your pardon?

Ignore him. The medication's affecting him.

I wish. If we have to wait any longer,

I'm going to grab a mirror and some barbecue tongues.

I'm going to help Tim with the tea.

Thanks for coming round, mate. I really appreciate it.

Seeing how you and your dad interact, it's a real lesson

-in what a father and son should be.

-Thanks.

I sometimes look at your father and I think,

"How does that man's son manage to escape the vicious clutches

"of his upbringing and become a decent civilised human being?"

And then I look at you and I realise -

it's hard.

Well, for what it's worth, I think it's mainly down to your efforts

that you and your dad get on so well.

-Really?

-Yeah. You're a very unselfish person, Tim.

You'll always do anything for anybody.

I suppose I am always willing to go that extra yard.

Imagine if it was a few inches, you probably wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Exactly! If there's anything I can do for either you or your dad,

just let me know.

Well, there is something, actually.

Name it.

Oh, nothing special. Just help him with the remote control,

keep him company, read the newspaper to him,

stick this up his bottom, make him a cup of tea.

Goodbye.

Well, if it's such a big deal,

I'LL make the tea.

I should have known. This is nothing to do with learning to communicate with your father.

You just thought you'd butter me up first.

Good idea. I'll get the Lurpak.

-Daisy, Dad, we're leaving.

-We've only just got here.

I just found out the real reason Lee asked us round.

Oh, is it not for the cricket?

No. More like potholing.

What?

Oh, for goodness sake, can you just spit it out?

Well, I can, but HE won't be able to.

-I need a suppository.

-And what's the problem?

-What's the problem?!

I'm not doing it! And he won't do it because he's got some sort of a weird psychological fear of his dad.

-Indoor voices, Tim.

-Sorry.

-Right, well, this is easily fixed. Give it here.

-Dad!

Oh, for goodness sake, Timothy,

it's not going to bite me.

It's only a mouth with no teeth.

When I was in the Army, we did this sort of thing all the time.

-That's disgusting.

-Why?

-You were in catering.

Thanks, Geoffrey. Make sure he doesn't steal your watch.

Right, I think we should leave these two to get better acquainted.

Right, Frank. What's the simplest way of going about this business?

Well, I can hold my own weight for a bit, Geoffrey,

then I'll be clenching.

Best if I get down on my knees then, I should think. >

-Do you want to turn the radio on?

-Good idea.

# The only way is up... #

TV IS ON

A good pair of hands, that second slip.

He's not the only one.

You could learn a lot from this man, Lee.

This man, who shoved his finger up my back passage

without a thought for his own safety.

Very brave! A man's backside is no place for a chicken.

Do you mind if we just focus on the cricket?

Don't worry, he'll soon lose interest.

He was like this with my mum at first. Full of affection,

but soon as he'd put a ring on her finger, everything changed.

What are you shaking your head at?

What you made my father do was disgusting.

It would have been more disgusting if your dad had done it for you.

-How do you work that out?

-Because I know what you're like with pills.

You'd have had to mash them up with jam first.

Good point. What do you reckon, Geoffrey?

I'll tell you what I reckon, since you ask.

It's a pretty poor state of affairs when a son can't step up

-and help out his old father.

-You tell him, Geoffrey.

Tim and I might have our differences occasionally

but I know he's there for me when it matters.

If I needed help, he wouldn't hesitate, would you, Tim?

-You don't need help, do you?

-No.

-Wouldn't hesitate for a second.

That's beautiful, that. Why can't you be more like Tim?

I HAVE helped you. I've given you a place to stay.

-It's not yours, it's Lucy's.

-I'm looking after him.

You went to the pub and didn't come back for two hours.

You what? You once went to the pub and didn't come back for two bloody years.

Sometimes I wonder if Lee wishes I was dead.

Don't be silly, Dad. I stopped thinking like that

when Jim'll Fix It ended.

How on earth can you talk to your father like that

when he's in such a state? It's a disgrace.

Geoffrey's right, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I doubt whether he's capable of shame.

-Says the man who volunteered to stick his fingers up my dad's bum.

-It's more than you've ever done for me.

What about all those years I spent bringing you up? Totally wasted.

I remember the years you spent bringing me up totally wasted.

And that's why I'm not putting up with it now.

What are you doing?

I think YOU need a breath of fresh air.

I don't need a breath of ANY air.

That can be arranged too. Say goodbye, you're leaving.

Agh! Where are you taking me?

-Back to the hospital.

-I've told you, they're full.

Maybe the Maternity Ward will have you back. It's only been 68 years.

Is there nothing I can say that'll make you help me?

Yeah, two words. "Assisted" and "suicide".

Where are you going?

-Did you give him that suppository?

-Yes.

No. He got your dad to do it.

My dad?

I never asked him to, he volunteered!

Volunteered?

Well, he put his hand up.

Oh, what's the point? You're not capable of compassion, are you, Lee?

I'm sorry, Frank.

I'm sorry for both of you.

You've messed up there, haven't you, son?

-What do you mean?

-You know exactly what I mean.

You think the world of her, it's obvious.

That was an opportunity to get you closer together.

If there's one thing I know, it's that a woman needs to be

with someone she considers as a thoughtful and compassionate person.

-What are you saying?

-I'm saying if you hadn't been a bastard with me,

-you could have been banging her by now.

-Taxi!

Whatever you're looking for, Lee,

you won't find it at the bottom of a glass.

So, what are you doing here?

Looking for a beer mat.

Don't worry about Lucy, she'll come round.

When I was 11, I accidentally stood on her My Little Pony set

and broke it. I thought she'd never forgive me.

But she will do one day.

So, are you going to visit your dad in hospital?

No. That's it this time. It's over.

I'll never hear from him again.

Hello, son.

For a man with no power of movement, you get around quite a bit, don't you?

You're like Stephen Hawking after he's had too much Sunny Delight.

Can we talk?

I'll leave you alone for a few minutes.

-Can you give us 20, Tim?

-20 minutes, fine.

No, 20 quid for the cab.

What do you want, Dad?

That's very kind of you.

A pint of mild and a packet of peanuts.

Aren't you allergic to peanuts?

Don't they make your neck swell up and restrict your breathing?

-No.

-You can forget the peanuts, then.

Look, I don't want to be responsible for spoiling your happiness.

I just want to help sort things out between you and Lucy.

-How?

-By us pretending to get on.

-Pretending?

-Just take me back in for two nights.

And I'll spend all that time telling Lucy what a great son you are.

All the wonderful things you've done for me.

By the time I go in the convalescent home,

she'll think very highly of you.

Well...?

I suppose it's worth a try.

You won't regret this, Lee. Give us a hug.

-Yeah, let's not, eh, Dad?

-You're right.

Anyway, in my condition, it'll probably finish me off.

Come here, you old bugger!

# It's not time to make a change

# Just relax and take it easy

# You're still young, that's your fault

# There's so much you have to know

# Find a girl, settle down

# If you want, you can marry

# Look at me, I am old

# But I'm happy

# I was once like you are now

# And I know that it's not easy

# To be calm

# When we found something going on

# All the times that I've cried

# Keeping all the things I knew inside

# It's hard but it's harder to ignore it

# If they were right, I'd agree

# But it's them, they know, not me

# Now there's a way

# And I know that I have to go away

# I know I have to go... #

Thanks for coming round, everyone.

I just wanted to make up for the other day.

You'll be pleased to hear Lee and his dad are getting on brilliantly.

You're certainly being a better host this time.

Yeah, and Dad's the perfect hostess...trolley.

Ah, Frank, you've surpassed yourself.

Oh, not again.

So, you enjoying yourself, Dad?

Yes, son. It's the best weekend of my life.

It's only when you're in danger of losing something,

you realise how special it is.

Sorry, a bit embarrassing, showing my soft side.

I think my dad's already seen that.

I can't thank you enough, our Lee.

I'm glad you're getting better.

And it's all down to you, son.

He's really been looking after me.

He's been sticking them pills up left, right and centre.

Well, centre.

It brought a tear to my eye.

He's a good man, Lucy. A decent man.

A physically attractive man.

He thinks the world of you, you know.

So, Lee, what's brought on this new attitude towards your dad?

Well, it was seeing how you and Geoffrey interacted.

It's a good lesson about a father and son relationship. What's the secret, Geoffrey?

Let them know who's boss.

That's what's missing from modern parenting, a good firm hand.

Don't listen to him.

He's got hands as soft as a princess.

I shook Princess Anne's hand once.

That wasn't soft. It was very leathery.

-Was it?

-Yeah.

Probably why she kept her gloves on.

I used to want grandchildren, but some days it seems like a mercy.

Seeing as Dad's off to the convalescent home in the morning,

I want to say, "Here's to a speedy recovery

"and here's to you, Dad."

Bottoms up!

ALL: Cheers!

Credit where it's due. It's taken you a while

but you finally did right by your father. Well done, Lee.

You don't know half. We've been getting on so well,

-do you know what else he did?

-What?

You won't believe this. He offered me to stay here as long as I like.

Eh?

I said no, of course. I couldn't impose.

I mean, I could be ill for months.

But, he made the offer, didn't you, son?

I did, yeah.

Said he'd really look after me.

Have a ramp fitted. Isn't that right?

That's what I said, yep.

Ah, Lee, that's so sweet.

Like I said, I turned him down,

but he made the offer, didn't you, son?

I did. And I meant it.

-Did you?

-I did.

-Really?

-Really.

Well, I've changed my mind. The answer's yes!

-What?

-I'll stay for the full three months, until I can walk again.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

I think I'm going to cry.

Unfortunately, though, it's not my flat. It's Lucy's.

So, it's not for me to be offering people free board.

Oh, Lee. Of course he can stay!

You've got me going now.

Me too. Blimey, look at me!

It's the end of Finding Nemo all over again.

I really love you, Lee!

I've seen many things in my time

but witnessing those two low-life reprobates

climb out of their self-made mire of distrust

and behave like normal humans

is genuinely moving.

I think you're the only one not crying, Lee.

Oh, I'm getting close to it.

I don't think that's exactly what was agreed, was it, Dad?

No, it wasn't. But if I told this lot the exact words that were used,

I'd only embarrass you, wouldn't I, son?

Well...?

Great. Stay as long as you like.

I think it's so wonderful that Lee's offered you a ramp and free board.

-It is. It is.

-I didn't even know you did skate boarding.

Oh, this is so lovely. Go on, give your dad a hug.

I don't trust myself. I'd probably end up squeezing him to death.

What a lovely thing to say!

I can go one better.

I want to get an axe and cut him up in to little pieces,

put him in a jar and keep him for ever.

Oh, I love it!

That's beautiful. I really, really love you, son.

Come here.

I think that suppository's finally kicking in.

So, he was never even near a hospital?

No. Apart from when he went to steal that wheelchair.

Knowing him, there was probably someone still in it.

And that so-called cab driver that dropped him off

was actually his mate. He's really a plasterer.

Well, that explains who did his arms and legs.

I've seen a better cast on Midsomer Murders.

Did he really do all that just for free board and lodgings?

-Yep.

-Who'd have thought?

-What?

-An ingenuity for freeloading being genetic.

Anyway, well done for giving it your best shot.

You didn't know there was any faking going on.

You sound like an old girlfriend of mine.

No, I mean it, Lee. It was nice seeing you make the effort with him.

I tell you what. Why don't I have a go at filling that dishwasher?

No, please. I've just seen a man stand up from a wheelchair,

that's enough miracles for one night.

It's OK. I insist.

OK, but don't forget to stick a tablet in.

On second thoughts, you do it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd