Browse content similar to Examination. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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# We're not going out | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# Not staying in | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
# Just hanging around with my head in spin | 0:00:05 | 0:00:09 | |
# But that is no need to scream and shout | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# We're not going out | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
# We are not going out. # | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
Bit early to be coming back for your lunch, isn't it? | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
It's half past one in the afternoon. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
I think the phrase you're looking for is, | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
"It's a bit late to be having breakfast in your pyjamas." | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
I think you'll find I'm using a bowl. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
Is that right? | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
-Actually, I think I got a few inside my, er... -No, thank you. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
-What are you doing with all those leaflets? -Never you mind. I know what you're like. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
You'll just crack stupid, childish jokes. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
No, I won't. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:47 | |
-Yeah, you will. -All right. Try me. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
OK. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:52 | |
I've just recruited someone who's going to be in charge of a big, new health campaign | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
to get men to start regularly examining their testicles. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
Well done. It's a worthwhile cause and I'm sure he'll do an extremely good job. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:06 | |
As long as he doesn't get the SACK. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
It's like a form of Tourette's with you, isn't it? | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
It's not me running round the kitchen shouting "testicles". | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
-Do you know, you're exactly the type of bloke this campaign is aimed at. -Really? | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
-Good-looking men in their mid-30s often have problems with their testicles, do they? -Mid-30s? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:26 | |
You let good-looking go, then. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
I was cutting you some slack suggesting you had testicles. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Well? | 0:01:32 | 0:01:33 | |
What? | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
Do you ever check yourself downstairs? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
Yeah. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
Properly? | 0:01:40 | 0:01:41 | |
Well, until the woman downstairs tells me to get out. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
You don't, do you? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
Course I don't. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
"Check them regularly" - they're not toys! | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Then why do you play with them when you're watching CBeebies? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:54 | |
At your age, you should be checking all sorts of things - like your prostate. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
-I had it checked last week, as it goes. -I didn't know you went to the doctor's. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
Doctor's? Oh, no, I had it done at Kwik-Fit. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
I opted for that instead of the free wheel alignment. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
This is not a laughing matter, Lee. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Promise me you'll start checking yourself. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
I'd hate for anything happen to you. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
All right, promise. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
So, erm, do you know what to do? | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Can we draw a line here, please? | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
What, you want me to do a picture for you? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
Of course I know what to do. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:27 | |
Are you sure? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
Lucy, don't tell your granny how to... | 0:02:29 | 0:02:30 | |
Actually, bad choice of phrase. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
So what do you do? | 0:02:33 | 0:02:34 | |
I...you know, have a... | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
and see if there's any... | 0:02:39 | 0:02:40 | |
thingies, or anything. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
They're struggling with a tag line for the campaign, can we use that? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
I'll tell you exactly what you need to do. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
First, have a bath, which will soften the skin, | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
then roll each testicle between the thumb and forefinger, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
looking for abnormalities. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Isn't that how Heston Blumenthal makes sponge puddings? | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
Don't worry, I know this is new territory for you. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
I'm think I can work out how to examine myself. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
I meant having a bath. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Guess what tomorrow is the anniversary of? | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
It's exactly ten years since you thought of a conversation opener | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
that was even remotely interesting. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
The anniversary of Daisy and I becoming an item. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
Four years to the day. She's baking me a cake. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
Lovely. Will you be celebrating on this planet or hers? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:33 | |
You're just jealous cos you haven't got a girlfriend. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
Which you would have, of course, | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
if you hadn't spent the last few years chasing after my sister. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
Well, you could at least do your usual and deny it. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
-I've got other things on my mind. -Oh, great. Who now? My mum. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Don't be ridiculous. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
It's your dad. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
He's been coming round in crotchless panties and he's finally swayed me. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
Come on, what's up? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
Look, it's probably nothing | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
but I think I'm a bit... | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
swollen. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
You know... | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
..down there. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
What? Since you thought of my dad in crotchless panties? | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Not the Bratwurst, the Brussels sprouts. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
I was lying in the bath and they seemed a bit... | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
bigger than...normal | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
You know that time we went youth-hostelling around North Wales back in the '90s? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
And I said you can always tell me anything? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
Well, I had my fingers crossed. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
How much...bigger? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
I don't know. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:45 | |
I'm not sure. I don't know what size they usually are. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
-Why? Don't you check yourself regularly? -Not you, as well! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Am I the only person in Britain with a PlayStation? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
-You need to see a doctor straight away. -I can't. It's embarrassing. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:59 | |
What am I supposed to do, plonk them down and go, "Ooh, how much for those? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a greengrocer's!" | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
Have you told Lucy about this? | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Yeah, course I have(!) "I know you're just my landlady, Lucy, | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
"but have a butcher's at these beauties. In fact, grab a pen, | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
"draw some smiley faces on them and we can use them as space hoppers!" | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
-Why would I tell Lucy? -Why would you tell me? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
-Because you're my mate -I thought you two were just mates. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
She's a woman. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:26 | |
You don't talk to women about stuff like this. You talk to a man. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Having said that, men that order their dry-roasted peanuts | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
in something called a ramekin are borderline, but you're all I've got. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
Just tell her. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
-Why? -Because if you tell her what you've told me, | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
she'll make you go to the doctor's. I know how it works. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
You'd jump through a hoop if she asked you to. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
I don't think I could get through a hoop at the moment. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Well? Did you examine yourself in the bath? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
Oh, right. It's even replaced hello now, has it? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
That Lionel Ritchie song would have been different if you'd have written it. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
I did it. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:10 | |
Oh, good. And was everything OK? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
You know there's a reason they're called private parts, don't you? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
Are you OK? | 0:06:16 | 0:06:17 | |
Course I am. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
It was fine. In fact, everything was... | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
swell. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
Well, that's good, isn't it? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
A lot of men aren't that mature. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:29 | |
-That's why the statistics are so shocking. -What statistics? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
Each year, approximately 2,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:38 | |
Although it's the highest form of cancer for men aged 15-44, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:42 | |
more than 95% of men with testicular cancer are cured. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Thanks for coming for the audition. I don't think you're right for Book At Bedtime(!) | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
But, listen, only one in five men check themselves regularly | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
and if they do find something, half of them don't even go to the doctor's. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
-Really? -It's unbelievable, isn't it? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
-You wouldn't be one of those idiots, would you? -No way. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
There's no "I" in idiot. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
Anyway, I'll see you in the morning. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
I'm glad you've checked yourself, Lee. It's worth doing, | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
even though you obviously felt a bit of a lemon. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
I felt that all right. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
# Happy birthday to us | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
# Happy birthday to us | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
# Happy birthday, dear u-us | 0:07:34 | 0:07:38 | |
# Happy birthday to us. # | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
We're four today! | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Oh! Maybe you should give us the bumps. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Or I could just slam the door in your face four times. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
We've come round to borrow a baking tin for the cake. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
I'm even going to buy four candles. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Well, I hope you have more luck than Ronnie Barker. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Was he one of the Krays? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
Talking about cakes, did you tell Lucy about your... | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
"muffin" problem? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
What muffin problem? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:11 | |
Lee's been...baking. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
They're a little bigger than expected. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
Too much self-raising. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Maybe you're beating them too much. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
-You should try puncturing them with a fork. -Stop now. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:31 | |
Well? | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
I decided my..."muffins" were perfectly fine | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
and none of Lucy's business. Or anyone's, for that matter. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
-Do you want ME to have a look? -No, he doesn't. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Well, I don't understand, why can't you tell Lucy? | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
Because he thinks talking to Lucy about his..."muffins" | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
makes him less of a man. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Oh, Lee, don't be so silly. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
Some of the most famous restaurants in the world are run by men. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Gordon, Jamie... | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
Ronald... | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
Come on, Lee, seriously, get it looked at. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
It'll be fine. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Why doesn't Tim have a look? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
Go on, you're always calling yourself "the bachelor with the spatula". | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
That is not a bad idea. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
You're not serious. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
You might put my mind at rest. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
I'm not...qualified. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:22 | |
I know, but you might be able to tell me I'm worrying unnecessarily. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
You might think my "muffins" are perfectly... | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Tasty? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Come on, you keep telling me to get it sorted. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
If you say they're not right, | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
I'll get them looked at by a... professional. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Who? | 0:09:40 | 0:09:41 | |
Mr Kipling. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:42 | |
Oh, does he really exist? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
I always thought he was made up. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
Like, erm, you know, Florence Nightingale. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
I'll tell you what, I'll go back home and make a start on the cake. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
You stay here. Looks like you're going to have your hands full. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Are you ready? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:08 | |
This is perverted. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
Perverted? It's not perverted, Tim, it's called friendship. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Oh, no, you don't. This was never in the contract. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
But then again neither was watching you drive my car into a cesspit, | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
getting arrested for arson | 0:10:20 | 0:10:21 | |
or having shotgun pellets removed from my back. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
Yeah, that was a hell of a morning, wasn't it? | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
It's not just a case of me showing you my testicles, you know. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Yes, it is. You're covering the other thing up with your hand. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
I mean it's more than that. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
By showing you my testicles, I am showing you you're my best friend. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Can't we just start hugging? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:41 | |
Look, I've told you, if you think there's something wrong, | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
I will go to the doctor's. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Please. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:48 | |
OK. But let's establish some ground rules before we do this. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
Ground rules? You're not at a pre-op transsexual lap-dancing club. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:59 | |
Oh, I forgot about that. I must add that to the "things Lee's made me do against my wishes" list. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
I was drunk. I thought that sign said "chicks with dykes". | 0:11:03 | 0:11:07 | |
I got more than I bargained for when I tucked a tenner into HER knickers. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:14 | |
Rule number one, I'm only looking. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
You're damn right you're only looking. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
I've seen you checking if avocados are ripe. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
I never knew fruit could cough. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
And rule number two - we never, ever speak of this again. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
To anyone. Not even to each other. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
It'll be like it never happened. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:32 | |
I'm asking you to look at my bollocks, not bury a dead hooker! | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
-Keep going. I'll let you know when you've thought of a more disgusting option. -You ready? | 0:11:36 | 0:11:41 | |
Just get on with it. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
I know I said they were swollen, but you're not going to see them looking over there. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:59 | |
They're absolutely fine, nothing to worry about. Pull your pyjamas up... | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
What the hell is that?! | 0:12:05 | 0:12:06 | |
What? | 0:12:08 | 0:12:09 | |
Goodness gracious! | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
Please do not follow that with "great balls of fire". | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
"Slightly swollen"? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
What are you using for underpants these days? A hammock?! | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
It looks like Right Said Fred sharing one microphone. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Do I need to go to the doctor's? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:27 | |
Doctor's? I'd go via the planetarium. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
They might want to make a cast. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
All right! What are you looking at, you pervert?! | 0:12:32 | 0:12:36 | |
WOMAN: Come in. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
Oh, sorry, I'm looking for Dr Kingsley. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
Yes, that's me. Take a seat. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:52 | |
How come you're not a man? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Do you want me to show you on the model? | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
It's just that...I thought you were going to be a man because of... | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
..what I'm here for. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:05 | |
Why, what's the problem? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
When's the man back? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
What man? | 0:13:09 | 0:13:10 | |
Any man. He doesn't even have to be fully qualified. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
Why don't you just tell me the problem? | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
I've got this, erm... | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
friend. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
I see. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:21 | |
And what's up with your...friend? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
He's worried about the size of my testicles. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
HIS testicles! | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
He thinks they may be a little... | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
swollen. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:31 | |
Right, well, obviously, I'm going to need do a proper examination of your...friend. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:36 | |
What do you think it could it be? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
Varicoceles, pellagra, epididymitis. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Very hard to say. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Yeah. Why do they keep insisting on using those Latin words? | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
I meant without looking. They can all cause the testicles to swell. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
Actually, in the case of varicoceles, they can also cause them to shrink. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
Shrink? | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
That's a good point. I hadn't thought of that. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
Maybe my friend's got shrunken testicles? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
I thought your...friend's testicles were swollen. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
I'm not talking about that friend. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
I'm talking about my other friend - my real friend, Tim. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:10 | |
The one with the swollen ones is more of an acquaintance. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Hardly surprising - he keeps showing me his swollen testicles. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
The thing is, if my real friend Tim | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
had a condition which made his testicles shrink, | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
he would think everyone else's testicles, | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
particularly my acquaintance, were too big. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Do all your friends have testicle problems? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
No. Just the men. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
I'm telling you, the doctor said my friend might have something called varicoceles, | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
which causes them to shrink. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
Friend? What friend? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:48 | |
Come on, Tim, let's stop all this friend nonsense. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
We both know we're talking about you. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
There's nothing wrong with me. It's you with the problem, | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
which you'd have found out if you'd let the doctor examine you. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
A female doctor should not be examining a man's testicles. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
Especially pretty ones. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
-Trust me, there was nothing pretty about your... -You know what I mean. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
Come on, Tim, there's no harm in getting yourself checked out. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
No point being immature about this. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
If yours have shrunk, you need to know. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
They can't shrink! | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
Listen, Mother Teresa was 6ft 4 when she was 19. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
I know mine haven't shrunk because, unlike you, I examine them regularly. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
-And I know they're always the same size. -What if you were born with it? -Born with it? | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
-What if you were born with tiny testicles? -I was. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:31 | |
They went so well with my tiny feet and tiny toes, it was a matching set. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:36 | |
Maybe I was born with these and I've never noticed. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
If you were born with those, the midwife must have thought you were triplets! | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
What are you doing? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:45 | |
I am Googling "men's testicles" to see what the average looks like. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
Find out once and for all which one of us has got the problem. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
Oh, great. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
I come round for a cup of tea, instead I get gay porn. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
Shouldn't that plumber be wearing some sort of safety equipment? | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
Clothes, for a start. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
Why's that one doing that? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:07 | |
Don't know. Maybe he's hungry. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
There you go. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
Look at the size of those beauties! They're no different to mine. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
That's somebody's chin. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
-I'll try a different site. -No, you won't. I'm going to get that tea. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
Hello. I brought this back. Well, the cake was a disaster. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
I tried to make an upside-down cake, but I turned it over twice | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
without thinking, and it ended up being the right way up. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
I think I'm more of a fruitcake person. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
-You know you and Tim have been together for four years? -Yeah. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
-What was the longest relationship you had before that? -About a year. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
Right, and in comparison to that other relationship, | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
was there anything you noticed different about Tim when you started going out with him? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:04 | |
Well, Tim was a lot more grown up. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Right. How old was the other one? | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Six. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Six? | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
Yeah, yeah, they used to call me the cradle-snatcher. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
How old were you? | 0:17:16 | 0:17:17 | |
Seven. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
I'm talking about proper serious relationships. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
Um, he asked me to run away with him and live on the moon - | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
I'd say that's fairly serious. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
What about grown-up relationships? In comparison to other boyfriends, | 0:17:27 | 0:17:31 | |
was there anything - specifically a couple of things - | 0:17:31 | 0:17:36 | |
that were a different...size to what you were used to? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:40 | |
Oh, is this about his ears again? Oh, you know he's sensitive. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
It's not like he keeps going on about you with your big nose. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
I haven't got a big nose. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
All right, well, it's not like he keeps going on about you and your tiny face. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
Will you get it into your head that it's you with the problem, not me?! | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
How do you know? | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
-Be honest, how many testicles have you actually seen in your life? -Enough. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:06 | |
-I'm a member of a gym. I've got eyes like a hawk. -Why not? You've got balls like a sparrow. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
Birds don't have testicles. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Come to think of it, they did have in that lap-dancing club. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:16 | |
And you're honestly telling me | 0:18:16 | 0:18:17 | |
you've checked out other blokes in the gym? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
-Course not. -Right, well, there's only one thing for it. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:24 | |
This is ridiculous. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
No, it's not. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:30 | |
We're going to find out who the abnormal one is by spending an hour in here | 0:18:30 | 0:18:34 | |
checking out other blokes when they get naked. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
It doesn't sound so bad when you say it like that. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
And how do you think we're going to survive in here for an hour? | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
It's over 80 degrees. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
We can pop out for cold showers. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
Oh, good. So, if member of staff asks us what we're doing, | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
we say, "We're checking out naked men, then having cold showers"? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:55 | |
Oh, Tim, I forgot to say, | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
the woman on reception said no towels allowed in the sauna. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
Looks like we're going to have to take them off. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
That's odd. Why can't you have towels in a sauna? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
Don't know. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
Something to do with... | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
terrorism. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
It'd be very easy to conceal something under these towels. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
That's the idea, isn't it? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
It's for your own safety. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
How would you feel if I suddenly whipped my towel off and came at you, weapon in hand? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:33 | |
And why didn't the receptionist mention this to me? | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
She probably thought you were a regular. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
Oh, and what are you? An extra-large(?) | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
Funny you should say that. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
I'm not taking my towel off. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
Listen, it's not good for you, keeping it all wrapped up like that. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
It's like broccoli. It'll go all limp. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
Much better to let it steam. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Yeah. Much nicer. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Al dente. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
I think I'll just leave you two boys to it. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
Ohhh... I'm in some sort of Swedish nightmare. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
No wonder the Scandinavians have such a high rate of suicide. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:16 | |
I always thought it was something to do with IKEA. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Oh, Tim, I forgot to say... | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
Don't tell me. Let me guess. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
Did the woman on reception say we weren't allowed towels in the sauna, | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
in case Al-Qaeda were hiding under there cooking broccoli(?) | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
Something like that, yeah. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Oh, it's no towels, is it? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
You two keeping yours on, then? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
No. Course not. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
Go on, then. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
You first. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
Come on, lads. We're all adults. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
Bagsy you first. | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
I said it before you. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
You didn't say "bagsy". It doesn't count if you don't say "bagsy". | 0:21:01 | 0:21:05 | |
Both at the same time? | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
OK. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:08 | |
One, two, three... | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
How's your mum? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
Fine. How's yours? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
-Dead. -Oh, yeah. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
You ready? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Yeah. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:36 | |
Just like mine. Yes! | 0:21:47 | 0:21:48 | |
Well done, mate. On your... | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
They're smashing. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
Why's Lee looking at this sort of stuff? | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
-Hiya. -Hello. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
Where have you been? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:21 | |
If said I'd spent the last three hours checking out other bloke's crotches, would you believe me? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:26 | |
Just a joke. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
What? | 0:22:30 | 0:22:31 | |
Do you want to come and sit down? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Is there anything you want to tell me? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
Oh, I see. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
Tim told you, didn't he? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
You told Tim? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Yeah, he's been helping me out. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
How? | 0:22:45 | 0:22:46 | |
You know damn well how. "You show me yours, I'll show you mine." | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
Going to the sauna together, checking out other blokes. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:53 | |
So...how long have you known? | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
Since you told me to have a feel in the bath the other day. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:03 | |
If you turn yourself on, it doesn't mean you're gay. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
Gay?! | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:23:12 | 0:23:13 | |
I'm swollen. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:14 | |
Not because I'm looking at that! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
My testicles are bigger than normal. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
I found out the other day in the bath. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
THAT and the sauna was just research to find out what was the norm. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:28 | |
-Oh. -And believe you me, | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
after a 24-0 thrashing, I am not the norm. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:35 | |
You looked at 24 blokes? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
Well, 12, but it was two points for each. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
-So have you been to see a doctor? -Yeah. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
-And what did they say? -I didn't let them examine me. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
-Why? -I don't know. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
Fear, embarrassment, shame. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:55 | |
Oh, Lee, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
Well, that's not true, but finally, for once, you don't need to be ashamed. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:01 | |
You've got to go back and have a proper examination. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Come on, book an appointment now. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
I'll come with you. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
All right. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
But a young woman should not be looking at a man's bits. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
Especially an attractive one. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:16 | |
I'm not coming in, I'll wait outside. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Yeah, all right, bighead. I meant the doctor. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Everything's going to be OK, you know. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
How do you know? You haven't seen the size of them. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
I can feel it. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
They're bigger than I thought. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
Read a magazine. It'll take your mind off things. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Nuts? | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
Dr Jenkins said he'll be with you in a moment. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
He? I thought you said you found this doctor good looking. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
It was a woman last time. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
-It WAS! -Dr Kingsley phoned in sick this morning. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
She'll be off for a few days, so you'll be seeing a locum today. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
Will you please get this idea out of your head that I might be gay? | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
Sorry for the delay. Would you like to come this way? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Am I all right like this? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
Or do you want me naked again, like last time? | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Hydrocele? I've never even heard of it. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
-Sounds like something you get at B&Q. -Well, it doesn't matter whether you've heard of it or not, | 0:25:35 | 0:25:41 | |
-what's important is that it's not serious. -Let's look at the key words, shall we? | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
Excess, fluid, remove, needle, scrotum. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
It might not be serious, but it's not crazy golf, either. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
-Did the doctor say what might have caused it? -No. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:56 | |
Apparently, it can happen to anyone at any time. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
Especially... | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
middle-aged men. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Aw, Lee, you've reached a milestone! | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
Shall we have a party? | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
Actually, we could have a BALL. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
Don't make me use them as a weapon. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Surprise! | 0:26:24 | 0:26:25 | |
I made you both some profiteroles. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
I've never made them before. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:34 | |
I didn't know what size to make, so I compared them to my friend Emma's. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:38 | |
She said she thought they were too big, | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
but I think hers were just too small. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
# We're not going on, not staying in | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
# Just hanging around with my head in a spin | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
# But there is no need to scream and shout | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
# We're not going out | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
# We are not going out. # | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 |