Drunk Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin

# But that is no need to scream and shout

# We are not going out

# We are not...going out. #

Bit of a waste, isn't it?

I'm having a clear-out.

And anyway, when are you ever going to drink elderflower rum?

If I ever became a gay pirate.

-What's this one?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's called Braindead. It's my cousin Tony's home made potato hooch

and it makes you go blind.

Tony? Which one's Tony?

The blind one.

I'm serious, Lee, it's lethal.

A couple of these and you'll wake up with no memory of the entire evening.

Oh. That old chestnut again.

Funny how we conveniently forget things when we're drunk.

Not this again.

It was a quick snog, with a stranger, at a works party.

And what's more, I don't remember it happening. I was very, very drunk.

Yeah, so you claim.

I thought you were my lodger. When did you become my husband?

Yesterday. We got married.

You probably don't remember, you were drunk.

Or pretending to be drunk anyway.

Why is it when we have rows, you're always so bloody righteous?

I don't know. Why are you always so bloody wrongous?

People don't really forget things when they're drunk.

OK, Mr Memory Man. You asked for this.

Get some of this down your neck and we'll see how easy it is to black out.

Fine. Bring it on.

Very...potatoey.

I'm getting Maris Piper with a...

subtle hint of Birds Eye Potato Waffle.

Well, I'm glad you like it. Let's get mashed!

# Wake up It's a beautiful morning...

# Wake up... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC STOPS

Ugh.

If Carlsberg did hangovers.

Oh, God, I can't feel my hand. I've had a stroke.

Oh, God!

Oh...thank you.

Oh, God!

Oh...God.

What are you doing in my room?

Your room?

Oh, yeah.

I thought I didn't own KerPlunk.

Ugh.

Have you've been sleeping in my bed?

Yeah. I also think I've also been sitting in your chair

and eating your porridge.

Why are you in here?

I can't remember.

Me neither.

Oh, well, that solves the blackout argument.

Looks like you're the winner.

BOTH: Oh, God!

I take it you're naked as well.

Well, I kept my socks on. I've got some dignity.

OK, one of us needs to get out of this bed.

OK, I'll go, but I'm wrapping the sheet round me.

Then I'll be sprawled out on the bed naked.

You can drop the dirty talk, you've snared me once already.

If a woman wanted to snare you,

she wouldn't need a litre of 85% proof spirit.

It could be done with a wine gum.

OK, plan B.

Always be careful what you wish for.

What does that mean?

I've always had a thing for Tom Cruise.

-Where's my jeans?

-Well, I've got some of them now.

Whoa!

So, erm... How you feeling?

Like I've been pounded by some kind of jackhammer.

Barry White.

Proves it wasn't my idea. I hate Barry White, you love him.

Tea-lights... You.

Petals in a bowl of water... You.

Bag of jam doughnuts... All right, I'll take that one.

-Ooh, sorry.

-Please, can you stop apologising?

OK. Sorry.

I'm mean, I'm not sorry.

It's your fault for having brutish hands that get in the way.

Too far the other way. OK. I'll meet you in the middle.

-That's not a euphemism for...

-Can you just stop talking?

Sorry. Do you want some juice? That wasn't one either.

Look, let's sit down. We need to talk.

If we're going to get past this, we need to agree on a few things.

Firstly, you have to stop flinching at everything

that could count as a double entendre.

OK.

Secondly, no more pussyfooting.

And we have to make sure it never, ever happens again.

It won't. You know, unless we got really mullered again and...

Never, ever happen again, you're right.

And most importantly, we have to make sure that no-one else finds out.

That way we won't be reminded every five minutes, will we?

OK. Deal.

DOOR OPENS

Well, I hope you two are proud of yourselves.

You disgust me. Almost as much as Lee's bedsheets do.

I normally have a shower in the morning, but after lying on those,

I think I'm going to give myself a good scrub down with some sandpaper.

What was your brother doing here?

I don't know. He was meant to be away on holiday.

Come on...think.

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN

Was I using these powers last night?

Actually, I've just remembered. Tim turned up last night.

Hola, mis amigos!

It's Tim! He's talking Welsh and he's got a tiny new wife.

Tell him we're dead.

Lee says we're dead.

But I've brought two hours of holiday videos.

Tell him we wish we were dead.

He's never going to let us forget this.

I'm not sure I can cope with that.

Don't worry. I'll talk to him, explain things.

It's about time he learned about the bird and the bees.

Having said that, this is Tim.

I'll probably have to take a courgette and lady's purse.

OK. But in the meantime,

can we please make sure that nobody else finds out about this?

Hello, you cheeky little rascals!

Sore heads this morning, have we?

Tim's tiny Welsh wife has grown.

Will Daisy be joining us?

No, she's gone back to your place to collect some things.

You may have noticed we left in rather a hurry this morning.

Yeah. Was it someone I did? Something!

-Don't get me a drink.

-I wasn't going to.

Good. I've taken the pledge.

Oh, drinking furniture polish now, are we?

Look, Tim, it was the alcohol. I can't even remember what happened.

Well, let me enlighten you.

Daisy and I came to visit straight from the airport.

I know you did, I just can't remember.

We brought you a dancing flamenco doll.

I know that too, but again, I can't remember.

I told you all about the distinctive architecture of post-Franco Madrid

and its numerous museum exhibitions.

I suppose I'll have to tell you that all over again.

It's fine, I can remember all that clearly.

Oh, you can, can you? And do you remember your attitude as well?

Remind me.

Lucy and you making out I was the most boring man on the planet.

-I'm sure we didn't mean it.

-Is that right?

Apparently, it's the existence of cornicing rather than roof eaves

that show it's early 17th century.

You really are the most boring man on the planet.

Yeah. And guess what?

We mean it.

I would've stormed out there and then,

if you hadn't made us take a sip of that Braindead.

There was no way we were driving after that.

So that's why you stayed over, then?

Yes. You're only saving grace last night, and I mean only,

was that you kindly offered me and Daisy your bed

and you agreed to sleep on the sofa.

What do you mean "sleep on the sofa"?

Well, where else would you sleep?

We were in your bed, Lucy was in hers.

So that's why you're angry, is it? Just because we called you boring.

There's not something else I should be angry about, is there?

There is, isn't there? Something else happened after we went to bed.

You called me other names, didn't you?

Yes.

Let's hear them, then.

Poo-head.

Go on.

Smelly face.

What else?

Nasty, numpty, knicker-wearing knob-head.

-Any more?

-Bell-end.

Well, you've certainly upped the ante.

-Oh, not your auntie as well.

-What?

-Nothing.

Look, Tim., you're none of those things.

It was just the drink talking. Can we move on and forget about it?

OK, you're forgiven. Again.

Just make sure Lucy gets me my video camera back

as soon as she's finished with it.

Well?

He doesn't know a thing. He thinks I slept on the sofa.

Oh, thank you, God.

And when Daisy came round to collect her stuff, she was clueless too.

Yeah, but does she know about me and you?

Ha, ha, ha. That's funny.

Sorry, I'm so relieved, I'm a bit hysterical.

That's all right,

I bet I can find a way of wiping that smile off your face!

I doubt that.

Oh, I do like a challenge!

Here we go.

Last night, me and you might have made a sex tape!

You woke Tim up in the night to borrow his video camera.

Oh, wait a minute...

Lucy! It's three o'clock in the morning.

Just lend me the video camera, you meanie.

Otherwise I'll tell Mum and Dad you've got syphilis.

It's on the table, just get out.

Ssh.

It's time to make a movie, Mr Loverman.

Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I have a very gentle touch.

OK, maybe I intended to make a sex tape,

but there was no way I'd have actually done it.

Well, there's an easy way of finding out. Where's the video camera?

I don't know.

You going to look in my bedroom?

No, Lucy, I'm going to contact the makers of You've Been Framed

in case we sent it in.

Well, I found my jeans.

Have I got a tripod in my trousers or am I just pleased to see you?

Come on, then, what are we waiting for?

Rewinding the tape. It was right at the end.

We made a two-hour film?

I have certain techniques for making things last.

I really don't want to know.

-Oh, God.

-What?

-Just thinking about Tim.

That's one of the techniques, actually.

I meant if he'd have seen this.

Well, let's not panic until we've seen it.

Here we go.

Is that popcorn?

-We're not at the cinema, you know.

-Ssh...

Oh, God.

'Come on, then, let's do it.'

This is Tim and Daisy.

Oh, my God. How more perverted can this get?

When in Spain, do as the Spaniards do.

I've already told you, Tim, I won't do it. The answer's no.

This is their holiday video.

'Oh, come on, it'll be fun.'

It's not fair on the animals.

I mean you wouldn't go to a bullfight,

so why would you go to a flamingo dance?

If this was the tape in the camera, it means we didn't make a sex tape.

Oh, thank God!

I'm surprised Tim didn't ask Daisy to pick this up

when she came round earlier.

Yeah, but you know what Daisy's like.

She'd probably mess it up and take the wrong tape.

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Daisy's got our sex tape!

-Oh, hello Daisy.

-Hang on, I want to hear this.

Hang on, Daisy, I'm just going to put you on speaker mode.

'I AM in speaking mode.'

Daisy, when you came round earlier, did you get everything you needed?

Yeah. It was just a few things.

Jacket, phone, handbag, holiday video.

So you found it all right, then?

Yeah, it was in the camera. It's obvious when you think about it.

I don't know why I looked in the airing cupboard for so long.

Anyway,

I took the tape out and I saw a spare tape lying next to the camera,

so I popped that one in for you.

So, erm... Where is the tape now?

Well, funnily enough, I'm sat here just about to watch it.

-No!

-No!

Sorry? What's going on?

Sorry. We just don't think you should watch it.

'Why?'

Because we want you to come round here and watch it with us.

Our way of saying sorry for showing no interest in your holiday video.

Erm, well, yeah, I suppose that would be nice.

But I don't think Tim or your Mum and Dad

would want to come round this time of night.

Why are you at Mum and Dad's?

We're staying overnight,

watching the video, handing out presents.

They even come with different clothes

so you can change them into whatever colour dress you fancy.

Blimey, even for me, that was effeminate.

Can we please get on and watch this blasted tape?

Sorry, Lucy, got to go.

No! Daisy, put me on speaker phone.

Hi, Mum...Dad.

-Hello, darling.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

It's very late, we've got to get through two hours of watching

people fiddling with maracas and riding around on smelly donkeys.

I think he's on to us.

How are you going to watch it, Geoffrey? We've got Tim's camera.

My tape fits Mum and Dad's camera.

Yeah, we've really had a stroke of luck there, haven't we(!)

Oh, you'll be having another stroke before you know it.

Hello, Lee. Haven't seen much of you lately.

Ooh. Give it a minute.

Well, wait, I want to watch it with you.

You should have shown this sort of interest when you had the chance.

Then wait until tomorrow and I'll come over.

Don't be ridiculous, we're watching it now.

'Yes, press play, Geoffrey.'

You hate me!

-What?

-'You've always hated me.'

That's why out of this precious video-watching session.

You've always loved Tim more than me.

How can you say that, darling?

It's like that time we went to the farm

and you ignored me and paid Tim all the attention.

He had just had a panic attack, darling.

Yes, I had just been got cornered by the livestock.

It was a butterfly farm.

And just because of that,

Mum and Dad let you sit in the front seat all the way home.

I had to sit in the front, Lucy. I was driving.

It's not fair! You hate me!

Adopted.

I bet I was adopted.

Right, put that camera away now.

Calm down, Lucy, we won't watch it until you're here.

For pity's sake. All right, we'll wait until the morning.

It's not fair. You hate me!

-Well done.

-Come on.

-Where we going?

-Where do you think we're going? To Mum and Dad's.

Do you honestly think I'm going to wait until tomorrow,

knowing that tape is sitting in their video camera?

It's a long drive. Bring your popcorn.

(Why did I have to come?)

(Because this is your fault.)

If you'd believed me about not remembering that bloke,

this never would have happened.

And how are we supposed to get in?

WINDOW BREAKS

(They keep a spare key under the brick!)

We're making a habit of this, aren't we?

Two nights on the run banging round together in the dark.

(Just find the bloody camera!)

(Lucy! Psst! Lucy!)

CLICKS FINGERS THEN FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

Make them stop!

I said make them stop, not join in!

Hello.

We were just passing by.

Thought we'd pop in and, uh...

smash these dolls' heads against the mantelpiece.

Oh, look, her underwear's come off.

She's a Basque Separatist.

What the hell's going on?

I know why they're here. They're feeling guilty

about not wanting to watch the holiday video last night,

so they're trying to look keen.

That's good. I mean that's right.

For God's sake, let's just watch this bloody thing now, then.

Not now! I don't want to!

Goodness, first you want to, then you don't. What's going on, darling?

And why's Lee got the video camera in his coat pocket?

There's something on that tape, isn't there?

Something you don't want us to see.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course there isn't, Tim. I promise.

Don't worry, we believe you, darling.

If your sister says there's nothing on there, you ought to accept that.

Thanks, Mum.

And when we watch this tape, I hope you feel ashamed of yourself.

You can't watch it!

I don't know what's on that tape exactly,

but whatever it is, it caused you to break in here in the middle of the night,

so we're finding out. Sit down and shut up.

You hate me, Dad!

Yes, I do.

Sit!

And you!

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

-(Do something.)

-(What?)

(Pull the plug!)

I want to die.

Hang on, we still don't know it's a sex tape.

Hello, viewers, and welcome to Lucy and Lee's sex tape.

Talk about spoiling the ending.

'Lights, camera...'

action. Wait there. I'm just going to get his kit off.

Actually, I might need the zoom lens.

Ssh!

Do you know anything about common decency, Lucy?

Never zoom in on automatic mode with a TS-90.

This is starting to look like a Crimewatch reconstruction.

I didn't know you had a birth mark, Lee.

It's filth.

It's not that bad. Yet.

No, I mean it's not a birth mark. It's filth.

Right, it's time for some fun and games.

Something tells me we're not about to watch Countdown.

I'll have two from the top and one from the bottom.

Show me what you can do, then, big boy.

Yeah, right!

In your dreams.

There won't be any sleeping together tonight, matey.

Well, that's a shame - look, I was all over you.

There's a reason I'm doing all this,

Mr "I never forget anything when I'm drunk".

It's so that tomorrow morning,

you'll think we slept together and you won't remember,

because despite your smart comments about me snogging that bloke,

drink DOES make you forget! See!

And when I show you this video, I will be proved right.

And then who's going to look like the idiot? Huh?

I know this one.

Good night, viewers.

This has been Lucy Adams, BBC Pissed, Bedfordshire.

Ew...

I nearly put my head on those.

Is that it?

Yeah. That's it.

We just slept together! We actually just slept together.

It's funny, isn't it?

Your holidays are never quite the way you remember them.

Well, I've just watched the rest of the tape. We're safe.

You've just watched me and you just sleeping for two hours?

Well, it wasn't just sleeping.

There was a bit of farting and snoring to keep up the interest.

Lovely(!)

Don't worry, it wasn't loud enough to wake me up.

Bit of a close shave, wasn't it?

It's hard to say - it's out of focus.

Oh, I see.

So, erm... What if we had have?

How do you mean?

What would we have done if we had have slept together?

I'm quite a big fan of doing that thing where you...

I don't mean in bed!

I mean afterwards. The future.

Well, we'd be grown up about it, wouldn't we,

and do what men and women always do in those situations.

You'd have pretended nothing's happened, had a nice long hot bath,

and I'd have gone down the pub and told all my mates.

You've only got one mate and he's my brother.

That's true. All right, I'd have jumped in the bath with you.

Oh, well, looks like a nightcap's out of the question.

Probably not a good idea anyway. Especially with my head.

-It's still hurting.

-Yeah, me too.

Just think how much worse I'd have felt

if I hadn't just been pretending to drink this stuff last night.

Ah...

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin

# But that is no need to scream and shout

# We are not going out

# We are not...going out. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd