Magic Not Going Out

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

Help! Let me out! Get us out of here!

It's no good. No-one can hear us.

Why do I ever listen to you?

I can't breathe.

You've really done it this time.

I'm not joking, I'm really struggling for oxygen here.

You idiot! Because of you we have lost 13 children!

Lucy, for the love of God, will you just listen to me?

I can't breathe.

Please! Just take your hands off my neck.

I know Twister's for perverts,

but you're making it a bit too easy for them.

I'm trying to decide what to wear to my god-daughter Nancy's birthday party tomorrow.

What's the theme? Coco the transvestite clown?

Oh, good. Is this your rent money?

You're early.

-It was due three days ago.

-Like I say, you're early.

-Actually it's not the rent.

-Well, what is it?

It's for a bet on tomorrow's Grand National.

There's a horse running called Lucky Lee.

I am telling you, it is an omen.

Oh, right. Maybe I should have a bet, too.

No, I can't see any horses called The Exploited Landlady

or The Gullible Idiot.

-Maybe you should go for the one called Churchtown Flyer.

-Why?

It's a right old nag.

-Listen to me!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

OK. Anything else, Woody Woodpecker?

Hi, Lucy.

Kerry! What a lovely surprise.

All right?

Oh, sorry.

I get so used to it, it doesn't shock me any more.

What's the matter? Is Nancy all right?

Oh, she's fine but there's been a fire.

My whole house has been destroyed.

Maybe I should go for the one called Firestarter.

Come in. Let me get you a drink.

It's OK, I can't stay.

I've just got a big favour to ask of you, Lucy.

I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow's birthday party

unless I can find someone else to host it.

I mean, I won't even be there because I've got to find us

a new flat and then there's the loss adjusters...

Hey, of course I'll host it.

But it's the Grand National tomorrow.

Oh...I really don't want to inconvenience you, Lucy.

You're not, Kerry. Is she, Lee?

Look, you've had a huge traumatic thing happen to you.

It's at times like these that people need to make sacrifices.

I'm sure little Nancy will understand if she doesn't have a party.

Of course we'll do it. In fact, why not bring Nancy round this afternoon?

That way you can sort some things out and we can work out what she wants to do tomorrow.

Don't worry, Nancy and Lee will get on like a...

..hot cake.

It's not like you to ask me for a drink, Lee.

Should I be getting ideas?

Oh, come on, Daisy. You? Ideas?

The thing is, I've just got something to ask you.

Lucy's friend's child needs a venue for her eighth birthday party tomorrow

because their house burnt down and you don't want to have it at yours

because you want to watch Lucky Lee race in the Grand National.

Lucy phoned me and told me to tell you "no" if you asked.

Did you think I'd read your mind?

Did you think I was a witch?

Not so much a witch - more of a why.

Do you know what I think?

Badgers shouldn't be allowed to use zebra crossings - they're only asking for trouble?

I think you should forget trying to spend the afternoon slumped on

the sofa watching the Grand National and help organise the party instead.

And why on earth would I want to do that?

Shall I tell you the difference between men and women, Lee?

And I'm not just talking about the obvious stuff like Wiggly Bob

and the meadow of love.

Good, because you'd only lose me with your scientific jargon.

When a woman looks for a man, she's not just looking for one thing.

She's looking at the package.

Well, make your mind up, which one is it?

You show a woman that you're willing to play daddies and mummies, and

before you know it she'll be letting you play mummies and daddies.

Or to put it another way, Wiggly Bob might just...

Ah! Just drink your orange juice.

Pass the parcel?

-Boring.

-Musical chairs?

Boring.

My mum used to say only boring people find things boring.

Your mum sounds tedious.

Nancy, this is Lee.

Hello, Nancy.

Why have you got such a big nose?

It helps if there's a gas leak.

Mum thinks we had a gas leak.

She thinks that's why my house burned down and killed my goldfish.

Sorry to hear that. What was his name?

I didn't give him a name. He was just a dumb fish.

He couldn't do anything. He was boring.

Well, it's a very touching eulogy. So - what you doing?

Trying to work out some things to do for Nancy's party tomorrow.

-But we're struggling a bit, aren't we, Nancy?

-We? You're the adult. I'm just a child.

Oh, come on, we're not falling for that.

You're a middle-aged woman who obviously smoked too much.

Maybe I can help.

So what were you going to do before, you know...plans changed?

Have some friends round for a party.

But it's not what I really wanted to do.

What did you really want to do?

Take all my friends to watch JLS at Wembley.

The tickets are only 80 pound each.

Sorry, Nancy, we can't afford that sort of thing.

You two must be really poor.

Don't worry. We've got other plans. What about hide-and?

You mean hide-and-seek.

Oh, no, we're not going to come looking for you.

I know! What about a magician?

OK. If I HAVE to.

Great! Well done. I'll, erm, I'll book one straightaway.

This game is going on for ever.

You shouldn't suck your thumb. It'll give you buck teeth.

You'll end up looking like a rabbit.

Better than looking like a fat whippet.

That's what my mum said you looked like.

Well, she was probably just having a joke.

She said you didn't want to have my party here

because you were selfish, you abused your friendship with Lucy,

you probably hated children and you looked like a fat whippet.

See, it's not so bad when it's in context.

-And I'll tell you what else she said...

-Just put your thumb back in your mouth.

It's no good.

There are no magicians available at such short notice.

My party is going to be rubbish!

If you can't get a magician, you have to take me

and my friends to see JLS.

I'm not taking you anywhere.

You're rubbish at organising things.

I know, why don't we have a think about what food you'd like?

I don't care as long as HE doesn't smell it with his big nose.

At least I don't suck my thumb, you loser.

At least I don't cheat at Monopoly.

I didn't cheat.

I saw you steal a "get out of jail free" card.

When it comes to a man's liberty, sometimes you've got to make difficult choices.

-Cheat.

-Thumb sucker.

-Big nose.

-Girl.

-Have you finished?

-I knew you'd take her side.

I'm not taking sides. You're a fully grown adult.

You might want to remember that next time you talk to me like I'm a child.

I don't talk to you like you're a child. Oh, just go.

Where?

To your room.

Oh! Don't worry. I'm not staying here and listening to little Linda Blair.

That's not funny.

Only because you don't get it. It was a film.

About a demonic little girl whose head span round

until she vomited the devil out of her gob.

Or you could just watch Toy Story 2. We've got both.

All right, mate. How's tricks?

What can I get you, sir? Novelty nose?

Oh, no, I see you've already got one.

I just wondered if you knew anyone that could do a children's party tomorrow?

No. This is a magic shop, sir. Magicians come to us.

Not the other way round.

-Perhaps if I wait, one might come in?

-Perhaps.

How often do you get people in here?

The last person came in...

..October.

I blame the internet.

-People ordering online?

-No. They're staying at home watching porn.

There is another alternative, sir.

Why don't YOU do the magic show?

Me? I can't do magic.

Anyone can do magic, sir.

Blimey. Make sure you don't do that when you're blowing your nose.

How did you do that?

Rent some tricks off me and I'll tell you.

-I'm not sure.

-Look, business is quiet at the moment,

so I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll teach you some tricks, you can take them home and practise, no charge.

If you don't like them, just bring them back later and we'll say no more about it.

If you do like them, which you will,

come back and pay me before I close today.

-Very trusting of you.

-Some people have got very honest faces, sir.

Thanks.

Others, I need to see proof of address.

Hello?

Can you let me in?

No.

Please, I've got a little something I want to show you.

Is that right? Tell you what, you pop it through the gap in the door and I'll come over and slam it.

I'm sorry about before, Lucy.

Anyone can say sorry.

That's not true. Elton John finds it hard.

Please! Open the door.

I've found someone to do your children's party.

Well, come on then, smart aleck, don't keep us waiting. Who?

Me, Daisy. Prepare to be...amazed.

Argh!

God, I'm sorry.

You'll have to hold it lower if you want to do that to the kids.

What the hell are you doing?

I am trying to show you that I can be a children's entertainer.

Well, she's already had her house burned down - why not blind her as well?

-You can't do magic.

-Oh, is that right?

Well, if you'd like to take your seats, ladies and gentlemen,

and please welcome onto the stage...

..Wiggly Bob!

Hello, boys and girls!

Hello, Wiggly Bob!

Wiggly Bob can't hear you!

Oh, right. Is that the joke, then - that you're deaf?

Hello, boys and girls!

Hello, Wiggly Bob!

Hello, boys and girls.

Hello, Wiggly Bob.

And who's this little girl?

My name's...Apple.

I'm not calling you Apple.

Erm, what about Peaches?

Why stop at fruit? What about Cabbage?

I could be a flower.

All right, be a flower.

Erm... I can't think of one now.

How about Daisy?

Oh, I like that. Erm...

Hello, Wiggly Bob. I'm Daisy.

-Would you like to help me do some magic, Daisy?

-Yes!

Let's hear it for Daisy!

Now then, Daisy, this is my most specialest, my most magicalest,

my most expensivest wand in the world.

-Do you promise to take good care of it?

-I promise.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lee, I don't know what happened, cos I didn't...

-It's supposed to happen.

-Oh, right.

What have you done to my wand, Daisy?

Nothing. It's supposed to happen.

Can you pretend to be a child?

What have you done to my wand, Daisy?

Help, I've wet myself!

I'll tell you what.

Why don't we give Daisy a brand-new wand and she can help me

make this silk handkerchief disappear?

-Would you like to do that, Daisy?

-Yes.

-And what's the magic word?

-Oh, sorry - yes, please.

No, it's abracadabra.

No, it's not. Kids' magicians never say abracadabra.

They always say stuff like Silly Sausages or Izzy Wizzy.

-All right, we'll say that.

-Oh, no, I don't know, Lee.

If it's supposed to be abracadabra then we should say abracadabra.

You shouldn't mess around when dealing with the occult.

This isn't a toy.

Just wave the magic wand and say whatever you like.

Dark forces of the night, hear my words.

I implore you, show your mysterious ways. Use me.

I am your vessel.

Abra-ca-dabra!

Oh, my God. That was actually amazing!

Thanks very much. Erm, it's actually easier than it looks.

What do you reckon?

-I haven't got much choice No-one else is available.

-Great.

OK, Daisy, there's a magic shop on the high street,

go and give the bloke in there this money. Me and Lucy have got some rehearsing to do.

-Have we?

-Yes. This is my big finale.

And I need a very special assistant to help me with this one.

OK. But aren't magicians' assistants always glamorous and pretty?

Well, I don't think you need to worry in that department.

Yeah. It's only a kids' party.

# I heat up, I can't cool down

# You got me spinnin' round and round

# Round and round and round it goes

# Where it stops nobody knows

# Every time you call my name

# I heat up like a burnin' flame

# Burnin' flame full of desire

# Kiss me, baby, let the fire get higher

# Abra-abracadabra

# I wanna reach out and grab ya

# Abra-abracadabra

# Abracadabra

# Abra-abracadabra

# I wanna reach out and grab ya... #

# 'Roll over, roll over' And they all rolled o... #

OK, settle down, everyone.

The magic will be starting soon!

Toby, can you come out of my bedroom, please?

And stop playing with my electric toothbrush.

At least I hope that's my electric toothbrush.

All right, Mr Chuckles.

You were supposed to bring me round my money last night.

I sent my friend Daisy. Black hair, big eyes, different planet.

Is that right? Well, she didn't show up.

Why don't you give me my money now?

I haven't got it.

Well, in that case I'm going to have to make a few things disappear.

Hang on, you can't take that. I'm on in five minutes.

Is that right?

When I come back later for my big, heavy magic box with my big,

heavy friends, you can pay me 200 quid for the inconvenience.

That way I won't have to rip your nose off,

and stick it where the sun don't shine.

Are you available for children's parties?

No, seriously, are you available for children's parties?

Can you hurry up, please? They're getting restless!

Actually, I'm just going to need a few more minutes to...prepare.

Oh, my God! Toby, that is not an egg whisk!

WAIT! Drop the sticks and step away from the donkey!

The man who looks like the fat whippet told me

to tell you he's ready and can you introduce him.

Oh, thank God! OK, boys and girls, who's ready for some magic?

ALL: Yay!

Please welcome onto the stage the amazing, the incredible,

the unbelievable...Wiggly Bob!

ALL: Yay!

Hello, boys and girls!

Who wants to see some special illusions?

That's rubbish. My friend Gemma can do that, and she's only eight.

Yes, there are others like me.

Oh, there aren't.

Right, I need a volunteer.

Let's hear it for the birthday girl - Nancy!

A FEW CLAPS

Right, Nancy, would you like to help me make

this silk handkerchief disappear?

They're underpants.

Underpants, handkerchief, same difference.

You can blow your nose on both.

Take the magic wand...

..and say the magic word, abracadabra.

-Abraca...

-Look!

Oooooo!

You're rubbish.

"Help! Help! Let me out of here!

"Somebody get me out of here!"

What was that, boys and girls?

Was it my internal monologue?

"Somebody help me!"

I think it's coming from my special magic suitcase!

And what's your name?

"Sammy the Snake. I want to tell a joke."

Well, I hope it's appropriate!

What, you mean like a deranged transvestite talking to a sock?

"Two nuns in the bath..."

No! Sammy, that would be really inappropriate.

Of course it would, you cheeky little...sausage.

You're rubbish. I want to go and watch JLS.

And this party is rubbish.

ALL: Boo!

Tell you what, I think it's time for my big finale.

MUSIC STARTS

Let's welcome our special magic assistant, it's Lucy!

MUSIC: "Just An Illusion" by Imagination

-Are you ready?

-Almost. I just need to find some bricks and a canal.

Ow!

# Could it be that it's just an illusion?

DRUM ROLL

CYMBAL

Why are you still inside the box?

Oh.

What do you mean, oh?

You know that special little tool that opens the secret flap?

The one I told you on no account to forget?

It's in my other clown trousers.

And where are your other clown trousers?

You know the magic shop on the high street?

Is that the one near the Housing Association office?

-I don't know where that is.

-Oh, you will.

Nancy, darling, can you unlock the box, please, my sweet?

If I do, will you take us to see JLS?

You know we can't afford that, sweetheart.

In that case...

Food fight!

I don't believe this.

I know. Stuck in here when there's a food fight. I love a food fight.

Don't worry about that.

As soon as we're out of here, I'll throw a tin of soup at your face.

I know, let's go and throw food at other people's cars!

Nancy!

Yes?

Do not leave this flat. Do you understand?

I know you've had your own way a lot today and I've let it go,

but I'm telling you now, madam, if you walk out of that door you will be in big trouble.

Do I make myself perfectly clear?

Right. That's it. Do you agree with corporal punishment?

Absolutely.

SMACK

I walked right into that, didn't I?

-Help! Let us out!

-Let me out of here!

My foot's gone numb. I'm touching it, but I can't feel it.

That's my foot.

My breast has gone numb! Do you get it? I'm pretending I was going to feel your...

SMACK

Please stop hitting me.

What the hell am I going to say when Nancy's mum turns up

and wants to know why her child and all her friends have disappeared?

"Blimey, that magician was better than we thought"?

Why do I ever listen to you? I'm an idiot.

I can't believe you're being like this. I gave up a bet on the Grand National for you.

Oh, slow down, William Blake, my heart's melting.

Well, if I'm William Blake, you're Terry Fenwick.

Who the hell is Terry Fenwick?

See, it's not nice, is it?

There are a bunch of eight-year-olds roaming the street. What the hell are we going to do?

Oh, stop whingeing. It was all the rage when I was a kid.

So was scurvy and Noel Edmonds, but it doesn't make it right, you cretin.

Listen, if I wanted to see things from your point of view

I would stick my head up my arse!

Oh, why don't you just go and fart peas on the moon?

Look at you. You've got a face like a short-changed hooker.

Well, there's no need to be rude.

If you're playing hide-and-seek you can always just say "hot" and "cold".

Daisy? We're in the big wooden box.

Ha! Look at your face! You look really funny!

Do I look like I'm smiling?

Why did you not pay the man in the magic shop?

Well, I was going to but at the last minute I remembered your omen,

so I bet all the money on Lucky Lee.

Well, I knew you had magical powers as soon as I saw your wand

go from solid to collapsey!

Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear...that you won.

-Get in!

-OK.

Oh, well, that's great, isn't it?

We've lost 13 children but Lee's quids in.

Oh, I don't think you have lost them, Lucy.

They're all downstairs jumping on top of your car.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm glad you're not bothered. It looked like fun, so I had a go.

So you didn't get to play mummies and daddies then?

Oh, I did, but it was more like MY mummy and daddy.

-What does that mean?

-It means I messed up like me dad. And I look like me mum.

Well, it's a good job your horse won then, isn't it?

How does that help?

I've clearly failed in showing Lucy I'm any good with kids.

Well, I'm sure if you spend the winnings wisely, you can

still find a way to impress her.

MUSIC: "Everybody In Love" by JLS

Are you having fun, Nancy?

Best birthday present ever!

I thought all you kids were into One Direction nowadays?

No way! They're rubbish!

I had one of their CDs but I hated it so much

I set fire to it in the cellar.

Aren't you worried that that magic shop owner's going to come after you?

Don't worry. After the concert tickets and your rent money

there was just enough left over from my winnings to pay him off.

I even had enough to buy one final trick.

Let's see it, then.

What's in your other hand?

Nothing.

Argh!

Nancy had a great time. Well done.

What do you mean, well done?

You don't punish an arsonist by taking them to see a two-hour JLS concert.

Everyone knows you take them to see Justin Bieber.

It wasn't our job to decide what punishment to give Nancy.

It was our job to give her a good party.

And thanks to you, she got one.

You quite suited wearing my dress, actually.

Do you think it brought out my feminine side?

If you had a feminine side, you'd probably try and shag it.

-Lucy.

-Yeah?

-There's something I want to tell you.

-What?

-You need to take me to see Justin Bieber.

-Why?

The sofa's on fire.

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need To scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

Arlo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd