Boat Not Going Out

# Yeah not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need To scream and shout

# Yeah Not going out

# We are not going out. #

BANGING ON DOOR

Police! Open up! This is a raid!

Not really, just your old dad.

-You know that's a crime, don't you?

-Impersonating a police officer?

No, impersonating a father.

I know you love me deep down.

Well, let's wait till you are deep down and we'll see.

What do you want, Dad?

I actually came round to give you something.

But if you don't want to know, just say the word

and I'll... I'll walk away.

Great, what's the word?

Just give me 30 seconds of your time, that's all I ask.

30 seconds.

-Are you really setting the clock on me?

-Yeah, only because we haven't got a dog.

26 seconds.

Well, a couple of months ago I had a lucky run on the gee gees and

I won a substantial amount of money and I wondered what to spend it on.

And then I realised, over the years, how much I'd taken from you -

it's time to give something back.

Carry on. You've got 17 seconds.

But then I thought...

Four seconds.

What if I could spend that money in a way that

brought us closer together?

So I spent the money...

on a boat.

-Is that yours?

-Certainly is.

Are you sure you haven't been on Bullseye and not told me?

You're not interested in boats.

Didn't used to be. Now I'm a sailing-nut. A sea-bonce.

A boat-head.

A ship-for-brains.

I live on her now, full time.

And I've spent weeks making her all nice,

so that you can come and visit.

Me and you? In the middle of the sea?

Who said anything about going to sea? She's permanently moored up.

The engine doesn't work.

So, you're not a sailor, you're a...

floater.

If you like.

But you still get the romance of the ocean.

I thought Lucy would like it.

She's a four-berth vessel.

I wouldn't let Lucy hear you talk about her like that.

I thought me, you, Lucy, and that dippy lass you hang round with

could spend a night or two on it.

Look, it's a very kind offer, Dad, but I don't think so, do you?

Oh, that's a shame.

There's only two rooms -

a set of bunk beds and a double.

I thought between us we could wangle it so you and Lucy share the double.

Sleep on a boat?

Yeah, it'll be a big adventure.

Yeah, come on, Lucy, it sounds amazing.

I've never even been on a proper boat before.

Assuming you don't count two years in the Royal Navy,

serving on a Type 23 frigate out of Portsmouth.

Why wouldn't you count that?

Because I didn't do it.

-So, what do you reckon?

-I can't.

Why?

Thing is, I'm...

I'm a bit scared of water.

Don't worry, so are lots of people.

I'm not talking about washing, Lee.

I've never told you this before,

because I'm not exactly proud of it, but...

I can't swim, all right?

How did you finish school without learning how to swim?

You got through without learning how to read or write.

Can you swim, Lee?

Of course, I can. I was an amazing swimmer at school.

Teacher used to say that I was half boy, half fish.

Are you sure she wasn't referring to the smell?

Anyway, now you know.

Look, it's not like we're actually going to be at sea.

We're going to be moored up all weekend.

And you can overcome your fear of water.

You can go on land whenever you want - there's no danger.

I thought you said it was a big adventure.

Yeah, a big safe, uneventful, tedious adventure.

It'll be like that film, Herbie Goes For a Service.

Right, you two go and find Frank's boat.

I'll stay here and start unpacking the bags from the back of the car.

Or to put it in nautical terms - arr!

POOR IMITATION OF A PIRATE: I'll go and unpack all the stuff

from the back of the car.

Ah, I love the sea. So romantic, isn't it?

Get a lungful of that.

Oh, you haven't, have you?

I can't see me dad's boat.

Well, let's ask that old fella on that crappy little tug boat

if he knows your dad.

Oh, God...

Excuse me.

Ahoy there!

What do you think of her?

I'm not getting on that - it's a wreck!

She is quite old, I'll admit.

"Quite old"? Who did you buy it off - Noah?

Excuse me a moment.

What's going on? You said that one was yours.

I meant the hat.

She's a pretty good vessel for 400 quid, son.

400? You said you'd had a big win.

400 quid is big to me.

Ronnie Corbett's big to you.

Ah, I'm sorry I'm not wealthy enough for you, son.

Perhaps, you're embarrassed to be seen with me.

Dad, you step off the HMS Shithole dressed as Steamboat Willie

and smelling like a dead mackerel.

Of course, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.

Well, at least you could come and have a look inside.

Unless of course you'd rather go home

and forget about the whole arrangement.

I never said that.

I thought it was going to be a bit more impressive, that's all.

It's like I've always said -

"Why buy a big boat to impress a woman,

"when you can go for a little tug instead?"

Come on! Everybody on board.

Come on, she's as safe as houses.

CRUNCH

Well, this is snug, isn't it?

Just like being in a lovely big cosy underwater coffin.

Cosy?! It's freezing on here.

Sorry, Lucy love, engine's not working, so there's no heating.

The best way to keep warm is to snuggle up with a shipmate.

Or have a drop of to this to warm you up.

Mmm. All good sailors have it to hand.

Yeah, hence the expression, "Yo ho-ho and a bottle of White Lightning".

"All good sailors."

You can mock, son, I know a thing or two about life on the ocean waves.

Like what?

I can tie knots.

Oh good. At least when we all drown,

no-one's shoes are going to fall off.

Oh, can you teach me some knots, Frank?

I only know the one where the squirrel goes up the tree,

round the branch and through the hole.

What's that one for?

Strangling squirrels, I think.

I'll show you how to do a clove hitch knot.

The squirrel goes round the tree...

This is all very interesting, but can I just interrupt?

Where's the toilet?

There isn't one.

What?

What happens when we need to go for a... You know.

Well, where do you think you go? Have a look round.

You're surrounded by the world's biggest toilet.

That's no way to speak about Eastbourne.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm on a budget here. I didn't want to go overboard.

None of us want to go overboard, that's the problem.

If you're too embarrassed,

there's a Little Chef just over the dual carriageway.

They'll let you use their bogs if you buy a Twix on the way out.

I wondered how they'd earned that third Michelin star.

CREAKING

-What was that?

-Will you stop worrying, love?

I know this boat upside down.

Like The Poseidon Adventure.

Actually, I think I'm just going to bed. What are the arrangements?

Oh, yes, I hadn't thought of that.

Well, erm, there's bunk beds through there

and this sofa converts into a double.

Lee, you can't sleep in the bunk beds.

Why not?

-He's too tall.

-He won't be when he's lying down.

Looks like you'll have to sleep in here, son.

Right, so it's girls in the bunks and you two in here?

No, no, no, no, no, I couldn't share a bed with Lee.

I have very violent dreams.

I might lash out when I'm asleep.

Lee's mum used to have to sleep wearing a mouth guard and a boxing helmet.

In fact, Lee had to do a similar thing for a while, didn't you?

What are you on about?

Don't you remember when you were a teenager?

Your mum made you sleep with boxing gloves on.

But that was due to Lee's excessive...

All right.

Can we just talk about the sleeping arrangements?

Well, I can't share with Lee.

Of course not, you're my best mate's girlfriend.

Exactly, Tim wouldn't like that.

He doesn't even like a fork in the spoon drawer.

So that just leaves...

Well, I don't mind,

as long as you don't try anything cheeky in the night.

What, like going home?

I promise to keep a respectful distance.

Oh, right, so you're going home?

All agreed then.

Daisy, are you sure you're OK sleeping in the same room as Frank?

Yeah, as long as I can go on top.

So, um, do you think Frank's still teaching Daisy how to

tie knots in there?

I hope so.

Why?

I just heard something about the squirrel going up the trunk and in the hole.

So, erm, are you still feeling nervous about sleeping on water?

A bit.

Well, I think you've done really well, so far.

And if you do get scared in the middle of the night,

remember, I'm right next to you.

To be honest, those two things are more likely to happen the other way round.

I mean it. If you need a hug, you know,

to make yourself feel more safe.

Thanks, Lee. I might just do that.

It's scary knowing the only thing separating me

from death is one single plank.

There's a good few inches of wood there.

I wasn't talking about the boat.

Neither was I.

Good night.

Morning.

How d'you sleep?

Like a baby. It was so nice to drift off like that

and then to wake to that gentle lapping.

Yeah, sorry about that. I was having a dream about a massive choc-ice.

How you feeling?

Great. I'm really starting to overcome my fear of water.

This was a brilliant idea. Thanks, Lee.

Good.

Right, well, I'm just going to nip over the road and...

buy a Twix.

I tell you what, Dad, you haven't exactly brought me much luck over the years,

but something tells me this time I have landed on my feet.

What's going on?

Before I tell you, can I just confirm -

this whole "fear of water" thing.

That's in the past? You're over that, right?

Yeah, I think so. Why?

LUCY SCREAMS

Oh, my God.

There's been a major terrorist attack on Eastbourne.

Is this really the only spare outfit you had, Dad?

I hate Bermuda shorts.

They're not Bermuda shorts, they're my normal trousers.

I don't believe this. We're lost at sea.

Don't worry, I've made this.

I think it's a bit late for apologies, actually, Lee.

Not 'soz'. It's SOS.

That's not going to work.

It could be weeks before we see another boat.

You may as well have written 'woof' on that sheet in the hope

that Lassie spots us from his flipping Jet Ski.

Oh, God.

Don't worry, Lucy love, we'll be fine.

How? Can you get the engine working?

Engine's knackered, I'm afraid.

Have you got a radio transmitter?

There was a one, but I got rid of it.

I swapped it for a load of duty-free fags.

It was a very good deal, actually.

In fact, I had to throw in the GPS and the life jackets.

So, you're telling us there's no way of knowing where we are.

No, I know exactly where we are.

-Where?

-We're in the middle of the sea.

We know that, Dad, but whereabouts?

Are we in British waters or French waters?

If we're in French waters, shouldn't we be drifting on the right?

How the hell do I know which waters we're in?

This is your boat. You are supposed to be the captain.

Put that back on!

We decide when we're having a mutiny, not you.

I'm going to be sick.

If you're going to do that, do it over the side.

No, don't, you'll attract sharks.

Britain doesn't have sharks.

I don't think.

We're all going to die, aren't we?

Don't be ridiculous.

What about when all the water's gone?

No, that's not going to work.

It'll be millions of years before all that lot evaporates,

and even then it'll be too far to walk back to the car.

I mean drinking water.

We're getting quite low, actually.

And there's not much food left, either.

Ohh... Who are we going to eat first?

Well, not me for starters.

The size of you, it could only be starters.

I tell you what, Lucy.

You can have a little nibble of me if you're peckish.

LUCY VOMITS

Well, there's only one thing for it.

I've got an inflatable dinghy, we'll all just have to get into that

and row for the shore.

Are you sure it's a dinghy?

I mean, you call this a boat,

so what you're calling a dinghy I'd assume we call a whoopee cushion.

Come on, you lot, help me find the pump.

You've got to be kidding me.

There is no way I'm getting onto a dinghy.

Why not? It's problem solved.

Oh really? My problem is that I'm terrified of being on this little unstable boat.

Your solution is to abandon it for an even smaller one.

What next, all jump on the back of a turtle?

Or shall we Sellotape a crab to each foot,

lasso a passing porpoise and water-ski to safety?

What choice do we have?

What if it's got a slow a puncture and deflates halfway across?

-All right, we'll check it first.

-How?

The way you check a bicycle inner tube.

We'll inflate it in the water and if no bubbles come up, we'll know it's safe.

Are you sure?

Don't worry, Lucy, everything will be fine. I'm in charge now.

-Actually, I don't really think this is my...

-Please...

don't say 'cap size'.

Look, I've found the pump! I'll start inflating it.

Wait. Put it in the water first.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

Just trust me.

What if it sinks?

It won't.

I think it will, Lee.

Daisy, it won't sink. It will lie on the surface of the water

and that way we can check it before we use it.

I think it will sink.

Oh, for God's sake, just put it in the water.

OK. Fine, we'll do it your way if you're such a big expert.

I am.

But I think it's a big mistake.

Just do it.

Well, I hate to say I told you so.

I meant the dinghy.

Oh.

What time is it?

I don't know. I haven't got me watch on.

I can tell the time just by looking at the stars.

-Well?

-It's...

..night time.

Well, at least being stuck on here has given me

and Lee a chance to bond.

That's the thing about boats - makes you realise just who the

people are that's important in your life.

What do you think, Lucy love?

Your turn to blow, dickhead.

I think he's almost halfway.

-He?

-Yeah, Marshall.

Well, this is where the madness starts -

striking up a relationship with a half-empty bag of air.

Just trying to keep up morale.

I wasn't talking to you.

Oh, look out, everyone, I think Marshall's about to do a sneeze.

A... A... A...

Choo!

MARSHALL HISSES

Better out than in.

Lee, Lucy, wake up!

I've finally done it!

Oh, thank God...

I have finally cracked the clove hitch knot.

Well, I say I. I, of course, mean we.

-We?

-Yeah me and Marshall.

He can't wait to get going. Look at him.

He's well pumped. Actually, I didn't pump him, did I?

Well, he's certainly well blown.

No wonder he's got a smile on his face. Let's go.

BANGING

Dad?

Oh, hello, son. I thought you were asleep.

What are you doing?

Erm...

There was a bee.

You don't get bees in the middle of the sea.

No, but you get them in the middle of the A and the C.

All right, I admit it. I'm sinking the boat.

We're abandoning it anyway, so I thought I might as well sink it.

Otherwise, it might eventually get towed back

and I'd be responsible for salvage.

How do you know that?

It says so in the insurance policy -

paragraph 26, subsection 7, clause D.

Why did you bother insuring a boat for 400 quid?

I didn't.

I insured it for 12 grand.

This whole thing was planned, wasn't it?

You undid the ropes in the middle of the night and set us adrift.

I didn't need to.

I tied them with a clove hitch knot.

It's a crap knot, really - slightest bit of tension

and it just comes undone.

Don't move.

Why?

There's a bee on your head.

Why drag us three into it?

Cos I needed independent witnesses and not just me own son.

Well, guess what?

You've wasted your time, there is no way us

three are going to back up your story.

Fine. Seems I've got no insurance money then.

Which means I'll have no cash and nowhere to live.

Looks like I'm going to have to come and stay with you for a

while till I sort me self out, doesn't it?

What the hell are you doing?

There was a bee.

You're sinking the boat! You pair of bloody maniacs!

We have to. It's do with the...

Protection of sea otters.

If they see an empty boat,

they can climb aboard and they sometimes get stuck.

Really?

Yeah, and the last thing anybody wants is slippery old vermin

finding a new home.

Look, we're abandoning ship anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

Yeah. Eh, I hope you haven't left that dinghy unattended.

Of course not.

I gave Daisy strict instructions not to leave it.

Hello.

Where's the dinghy?

-Pardon?

-Where's the dinghy?

Pardon?

Where's Marshall?

Better. He's fine. I've put him in the water.

Don't worry, he's securely tied to the boat.

I used my new clove hitch knot.

Marshall! I'm sorry! Marsha-a-all!

You know before when I said stop panicking?

Well, you can start again now. . .

THEY ALL SCREAM

How's it looking in there?

I've patched it up as best I can, but we're still sinking.

Oh, God, we're going to drown.

They say it's a peaceful way to go.

Not with someone's foot up your arse, it isn't.

This boat is not going to stay afloat for much longer.

Why don't you make a few more holes with the pickaxe,

to let the water drain out?

Right, there's only one thing for it. I'm going to fetch help.

How?

I'm going to swim ashore.

Swim?

Are you sure about this, Lee?

Well, someone's got to try.

What about the sharks?

They'd be great at the swimming,

but I'm not sure we could trust them to ask for help.

Well, I think you're an idiot. You'll never make it, son.

Well, if I don't, Dad, at least I can console myself with one thought -

you've drowned, too.

Wish me luck.

Wait!

Good luck.

Don't worry, Lucy, I'll be fine.

We all will be.

Remember what that teacher said -

half boy, half fish.

Whoa! Oh, it's freezing! Oh, get me out of here!

I thought your teacher said you were half boy, half fish?

They never actually saw me swim.

I used to eat worms.

Look! I found the flare gun!

Oh, thank God!

I never knew we had one of those.

I thought you lived on here.

I lived in Chorley for 16 years, I never knew it had a Greggs.

Let me do it.

No, I'm in control of this situation.

Oh, wait! There are specific instructions.

Hold the flare at arm's length, well away from the face and above water.

Activate the flare with a sharp tug to the cord.

OK, here goes...

Remembering to keep the yellow band at the top.

You never know. Maybe we'll get rescued by a submarine.

Well, there goes our last hope.

Finally, never dispose of the flare gun before both flares

have been discharged.

Both?

BOOM!

Dad, I'm making you captain again.

Do you know what this reminds me of?

That bit in the film, Titanic.

You know, the bit where the boat sinks and loads of people die.

-You know what it reminds me of?

-What?

That bit in Star Wars where Luke decides to kill his father.

It's not my fault, son.

Not your fault?

This whole thing was planned as an insurance scam.

How can it not be your fault?

You what?

Oh, come on, Lucy love, let him who has never sinned cast the first...

You can talk, son,

you should never have got Lucy here on false pretences.

What false pretences?

Pretending to want to try to help with your fear of water.

He just wanted a romantic setting, a double bed

and bingo.

How romantic - bingo.

Don't listen to him, he's delirious. Why don't you shut up?

-No, you shut up!

-You're an idiot!

-You're the idiot!

-You are.

-You are.

Stop it!

I have got good reason to let the pair of you kill each other.

But is this really how you want it to end?

Is it?

With you and your father screaming at each other?

Lucy's right, Lee. This isn't the time for recriminations.

It's time like this you should be thinking about all

the positive things that your dad has done for you.

All the childhood memories, the fun days out, the birthday presents...

You absolute bastard!

-Shut your face !

-No, you shut yours!

Wait! Oh, do what you want. What do I care?

But just one question, before you do.

Did you ever resolve whether Britain has sharks or not?

Why?

Yes! You see? Once again, Daisy has been proved right!

I mean...

THEY ALL SCREAM

Marshall, it's you! I knew you'd come back for me!

Oh, how did the swimming lesson go?

Pretty good, actually.

Then again, the water was above zero,

pickaxes weren't involved and nothing was set on fire.

Oh, you didn't go to the local council pool then.

So, ah, am I properly forgiven now?

Well, it wasn't really your fault your dad was trying to

fiddle the insurance.

Are you going to back up his story?

Well, if we do, we risk 15 years in prison for fraud.

And if we don't?

He's got nowhere to live and comes knocking on our door.

I suppose, with good behaviour, I'll be out in 12.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind, but he's in there now.

I invited him for a cup of tea, then you'll never have to see him again.

I hope you're joking.

'Fraid not.

I thought you were talking about your dad.

Oh, no.

I let the air out of him and packed him in a crate.

Anyway, Marshall's got something to ask you, actually.

-What?

-Well, he was wondering, now you're overcoming your fear of water,

if you'd like to come on a little boating trip -

just the three of us.

Is he serious?

Yeah.

I wish I had invited my dad round now.

# Yeah not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need To scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd