Christmas Special 2012 Outnumbered

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! What part of "ow" didn't you understand?

You didn't say stop!

"Ow" is the equivalent of stop, isn't it, clearly?

Clearly, you have to be more specific.

-Mum!

-Yes, Ben?

Shall I start putting up these balloons?

Yeah, all right, but no inhaling the helium!

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Inhaling the what?

-Ben! Oh, Ben...

-It's an inert gas, it's harmless.

-You definitely said "left"!

-I meant MY left.

-You didn't say "my left".

Why would I say left from someone else's perspective? That would be madness.

-Why isn't Karen helping?

-She's installed in her bedroom.

I'm going to text her and get her down.

That's what I hate about texting,

it's destroying the ancient craft of shouting up the stairs.

-What is this?

-That's mulled wine.

It's great for winter parties

and it fills the house with this lovely smell.

Yeah, and then you have to drink it.

Ben, don't eat the cocktail sausages.

-Don't put it back!

-Argh! Ow!

-You said "right a bit"!

-Yes - a bit!

-That was definitely a bit.

-A bit is far less that that.

No, less than that would be a tad.

I think I've done my metatarsal.

When I was young, we didn't have metatarsals. Just bones.

Why have we got to move this stupid thing anyway?

Because we need to create space in the living room

for people to circulate.

Do you think it could do with more decoration?

-Erm...

-God, I know that "erm".

Well...

I know that "well" as well. Look, it's festive and Christmassy.

What is Christmassy about that?

It looks like a loyalist estate.

Well, I had some bunting left over from the Jubilee.

It's...feelgood and twenty-twelve-y.

-Twenty-twelve-y?

-Yes. It will revive the happy memories of the glorious

summer of sport. The Olympics, Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah,

Andy Murray, the Paralympics, everybody booing George Osborne.

It makes you feel good just thinking about it.

-I've worked out the party games.

-PHONE BEEPS

-I've put Ben in charge of entertainment.

-Oh, God!

Charades, Kim's Game, Twenty Questions and British Bulldog.

You can't play British Bulldog at a drinks party.

They have to put down their drinks, obviously.

Karen!

You do not have an "opt-out", just get down here and muck in!

Can we not just leave this in here?

OK... No, no, cos people might want to circulate in here as well.

No, take it upstairs. Karen! Karen, have you gone deaf?

Left a bit... Not there!

-HAVE YOU GONE...? Oh.

-TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

"Yes, I have." Right, missy...

Party organiser?

Yeah, I'm going to put it on my CV.

You can't just make stuff up on your CV.

Yes, you can.

My mate Todd said he worked as a UN peace envoy

and Morrisons never even checked it.

Karen, can you stop texting me and...?

-Oh. Oh, no. It's another drop-out.

-Hello, mate.

-'Yeah, I'm not bad. You?'

-We've lost over half our guests

to this winter vomiting lurgy.

Maybe we should cancel, rather than fill our house

-with potential carriers...

-We are not cancelling.

It's a vicious little bug. The Deputy Head threw up during assembly

-and pebble-dashed half of Year 8.

-This party is a chance for us

to reach out to get to know our neighbours better.

You know the saying - "Good fences make good neighbours."

-Pete...

-Preferably topped with razor wire...

-Pete...

-..and machine-gun turrets.

-Pete,

can you go easy on the Grinch routine?

We've all lived in this street for years, yet most of us

are on nodding terms at best.

When you think about what happened to poor old Mr Sanderson...

-Yeah... No, that was sad.

-He just lay there for days

and nobody even knocked on his door,

or... You know, this is a chance for us

-to reach out to some neighbours...

-So who is coming?

Oh, you know, just... assorted neighbours.

And Jane.

-Jane? You invited Jane?

-Yes, I did. Yes. But she can't come.

-She's texted to say she's down with the lurgy.

-Oh, no. Really?

Yeah, you might want to go for another take on that one.

She sounded very low and I thought it was only right to invite her.

Absolutely. Still, she can't make it, shame.

Ben, have you done that sign for the toilet door,

warning people about the dodgy door handle?

Yeah, see? "Danger". And I've drawn a funny picture as well.

What is it?

It's a toilet with teeth.

Oh, erm, Jake, when the party starts,

-you will stay and be sociable, won't you?

-I'm going out with my mates.

But you'll stay for a while?

Yeah, obviously. How long is a while?

-An hour?

-I was thinking maybe more like twenty minutes.

-Fifty.

-That's still an hour, really, isn't it?

-Forty-five.

-Thirty.

-No, forty-five.

Mum, come on. I'm already missing the pre-lash.

-Pre-lash?

-Yeah, you know, it's like the lash before the main lash.

-Forty.

-Thirty-five.

-Thirty-eight.

-Done.

-Come on!

-Yes, all right!

Careful! It's like watching the Chuckle Brothers.

-Ow, ow!

-You need to be more specific.

Stop, then!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, first of Mum's surprise guests, perhaps. Who could it be, I wonder?

Robert Mugabe? Abu Hamza?

Joey Barton?

Oh. Hi, Mum.

Hello, Peter.

It's quite cold out here.

Oh, sorry, come in. Come in.

-Hi, Jake.

-Hi, Gran.

We, erm... We weren't expecting you.

Well, I was just passing by

and I thought I'd drop off the kids' presents.

-You having a clear-out?

-We're having a party.

Well, not really a party, as such,

it's more of a... more of a gathering.

We would have invited you, but it's a neighbours-only gathering.

For neighbours, you know.

Sue's trying to promote a sense of community.

-A sense of community?

-Yeah, it's...twenty-twelve-y.

Why don't you join us?

No, thanks, really, I...

Come on, it'll be fun.

I've got food in the fridge that needs eating up.

-Well, fair enough...

-Oh, come on.

No, really, she's got food in the fridge that needs eating up, Sue.

Don't be silly.

-I'm not a party person.

-She's not a party person.

And if it's neighbours-only...

You can be guest-of-honour. Come on in. Come on!

Hello, Ben.

Hi, Gran. Have you ever played British Bulldog?

So when we finally get this upstairs,

where do you want us to put it?

Oh...erm...good qu...

Actually, we could put drinks on that.

Yeah, no, sling it back in here. This is the best place to put it.

I can think of a better place to put it.

Our so-called leaders are being led by the nose

by the so-called Burgers of Brussels.

And that, my friend, is why I am seriously considering

voting UKIP, because you can say what you like about Nigel Farage,

but he is a man who can survive plane crashes.

Can David Cameron do that?

Did you tell Dad that Norris was coming?

Do you know, it slipped my mind.

Well, I couldn't leave him out, could I?

He's a neighbour. And anyway, Dad seems to be coping perfectly well.

Because some Euro-bureaucrat dictating the shape of my bananas

is quite frankly bananas!

I've said this so many times, haven't I, Mary?

Yes. Yes, he has.

Hey, everyone, this is Ray. Ray, here's your badge.

Obviously, you know my dad, and...have you met Norris?

-Yes. Yes, I have.

-And this is...

Mary, my wife Mary. Tatiana, our next door neighbour, although she

spends so much time in our kitchen, I'm thinking of charging her rent!

She's Russian. But don't worry, she's not Mafia.

If I was Mafia, I get someone to kill you.

-Bang!

-Agh!

-Bang! Bang! Bang!

-Good shot.

Bang! Bang! Bang, bang, bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

-Top-ups, anyone?

-Yeah. Top me up, topster-in-chief.

-This is Ben.

-How old is Ben?

I'm twelve.

-Twelve! He's big for his age, isn't he?

-Yes.

Do you play rugby, Ben?

They asked me not to. The parents signed a petition.

Yeah. There were a few...injury...issues.

-Right.

-Just good old-fashioned enthusiasm, really,

but you know what it's like once lawyers get involved!

-Sue, can I, um...can I have a word?

-Yeah.

I'm a bit worried about Mum.

Oh, really, why?

Well, she's talking to those people

and...she keeps laughing.

Laughing?

Yeah, you know, like she's a...sociable person.

Look, see?

I don't like it, it's not natural.

How much has she had to drink?

I suppose she did start a few hours before everyone else.

No, Sue, she doesn't normally drink, she...

Oh, loosen up, so she's shedding some inhibitions, that won't...

No, look, she's being physically affectionate!

This is so weird! We have to warn the children.

Oh, no, too late.

Oops, small person alert!

-Hello there...

-I'm not stopping.

-She's very pretty. How old is she?

-Ten.

So, little lady of the house, how's school, is it fun?

-No, it's school.

-Karen!

-It's a pointless question.

-Karen!

I don't mean to be rude, but I've seen your face somewhere.

-Oh, Ray used to be a TV weatherman.

-Oh, a long, long time ago.

So, Raymondo, haven't seen you out and about,

didn't you have one of those breakdown thingies?

-Norris...

-It's OK, Mary,

there's no stigma attached to mental illness these days.

In fact, I believe it's quite "in".

-DOORBELL RINGS

-And...are you better now?

Oh, yes. Well, it's a process.

I'm currently engaging with addressing the various issues

I have with boundaries.

Oh...that's nice.

Jane.

Erm...Sue said you were sick.

Oh, yeah, I've had this tummy bug thing.

It's been... Hang on.

No, it's OK, false alarm.

You look a bit rough, are you sure you should be out?

I was at home, feeling awful, but then I thought,

"No, don't be so selfish, Jane.

"Sue was kind enough to invite you, so the least you can do is make

"a bit of an effort." And I reckon I'm probably not infectious now.

God, it's hot in here, isn't it?

Well, no, actually. It isn't.

Jane!

Gosh, are you sure you should be out?

You just can't give in to these things.

Besides, I think I'm through the worst,

I haven't thrown up for at least an hour.

This is Jane, everyone, who hasn't thrown up for at least an hour.

-Would you like something to drink?

-Just water for me, thanks.

Oh, all right, make it a white wine, what the hell?

What she's got is the norovirus.

It's not dangerous, that's why it's so infectious.

Dangerous viruses kill too quickly, so they kill before they can spread.

Evidence of this is the Spanish flu,

which happened just after the First World War.

People would be dying mid-sentence - they'd be like,

"Oh, I'm so happy the First World War is over... Oh!"

That's our Christmas ruined. We're all going to spend it on the toilet.

"I'm probably not infectious." Of course she's infectious, look at her!

We might just as well have lobbed a diseased corpse

into the middle of the room.

Don't be such a drama queen.

-I'm not getting lumbered with her.

-Eh?

-Every Christmas, I end up being trapped with her.

-OK, OK.

I want you to promise me that I will not end up being trapped with her.

OK, I promise you will not end up being trapped with her.

I want it in writing, Sue. I mean it.

-Where's a Biro?

-OK, that's 38 minutes,

-so I'm out of here.

-Can I come? PHONE RINGS

Yo, Tommo.

All right, sick!

-OK, bye, Tommo.

-Tommo? Tom Thomson?

-Yeah, why?

-Well, Tom Thomson, he's a bit...

-Tom Thomson?

Oh, no, he's not back on the scene again, is he?

Yeah, why? You got a problem with him?

Well, no, it's just that Tom has a history of being a bit...

-Well, a little bit...

-Stupid.

-And reckless.

-Based on what?

Based on the badger in the taxi,

the toy gun outside Buckingham Palace,

the streaking through the mosque.

Oh, come on now, that was funny.

He's just a risky person to be around.

Yeah, well, he's a good mate and I like him.

And I'm not a kid any more, so don't worry. I'll be back about two.

Two? 2am?

-He's 17, it's like 28 in old money.

-You should have said something.

Like what? Have you seen the size of him?

You have to accept that we're powerless onlookers, we are just...

-And the Irishman's wife said...

-Oh, God, she's telling jokes now.

I've never known her GET a joke, let alone tell one.

Mum... Mum, do you think maybe you should

ease off the mulled wine?

Yes, it is a bit sickly. Think I'll move on to something alcoholic.

No, mulled wine is... It's wine, that's why it's called wine.

Ooh, what's that smell? It's the smell of fear.

If I was Health Secretary, I'd simply say, none of you

can have new livers - you're alcoholics, case closed,

clunk-click, thank you very much.

Oh, but alcoholism is such a sad illness.

My boyfriend, the one before last, he had a drink problem.

Did you know he had a drink problem when you started going out with him?

No, he didn't have it when I started going out with him.

I mean, fundamentally, in my opinion,

all forms of addiction have an emotional root...

No, it's OK...false alarm.

Erm...it's an emotional root that can only be...

All right, everyone, it's time for games.

All right, before we start, is anyone allergic to nuts,

lactose or lizards?

Ah, ah. You've got to be sociable if you want to eat the party food.

I was, for three minutes.

Actually, can you not argue with Jane about astrology?

Cos it's not a fair fight.

Come on, stay and be sociable, just to please your mum, eh?

-Will you pay me to be sociable?

-Pay you?

Yeah, because I was reading that parenting book you have,

The Difficult In-between Years.

it says you need to institute...

rewards, as well as penalties.

It says that if you don't, we could be held back

"by a template of negativity."

-It's in chapter one.

-Yeah, well, I haven't read it.

You haven't read it?

Your mum got it after Ben's making inappropriate remarks

during King Lear incident.

When he puts the cloth over, she has to remember all 20 items.

-I know, Norris.

-OK, ready, Gran, and go!

-There's a tray!

-You can't have the tray.

The stuff on the tray. The tray doesn't count.

-There's a cloth!

-No! You can't have the cloth!

You can see the cloth.

How are you supposed to raise me if you haven't done the reading?

You do it instinctively.

-My mum and dad didn't have parenting books.

-Exactly.

You say that you do it instinctively, but, I mean,

would you want a doctor to remove your appendix instinctively?

-Of course I wouldn't...

-They'd have to study

for ten years to become, like, a really good doctor.

You can't even put in ten minutes of reading.

That's enough of this. You should be in there talking to...

Text me if you want me.

Scissors!

No! That doesn't count, because he said it.

No! You've got to play the game properly.

You all right, Pete?

Still fit and well, for the moment.

Maybe I should be going round ringing a bell and shouting "Leper!"

I'm not sure we've got a bell.

You think you should be eating?

I think food might settle my stomach down.

Are you sure the best thing is trifle?

At times like this, I think you just have to listen to your body.

I think we're all going to end up listening to your body.

See? Everyone's getting on really well.

Yes, well, Norris's wife and the woman who lives next door...

-Tatiana.

-Tatiana. They seem to be getting on very well.

What are you saying?

Well, Tatiana passed...

-Mary.

-..Mary in the hall

and she sort of...touched her.

Touched her?

Yes. She put her hand on her buttock.

What? Like a grope?

Not a full-on grope, but more fondle than pat.

There was squeezage.

-"Squeezage?"

-You know...

-Oi!

Ooh, gone a bit early there, Pete.

I should wait till later, when she's drunk.

But get her consent in writing,

you know what it's like these days.

Oh. Welcome, Lauren from Cincinnati,

or, as I call you, Fresh Meat.

-Look at your mum, enjoying herself.

-It's like watching a cat bark.

If only we'd thought of alcohol before.

You know, about 30 years ago.

She's hugging everyone. Apart from me, obviously.

All right, Ray, are you ready?

I'm supposed to avoid situations involving pressure.

Go!

I don't like the look of Jane.

She's a Vesuvius full of trifle and we're Pompeii.

A spoon, a teaspoon.

A small ruler, like a child's ruler.

Three, two, one.

Time up!

No! Put it back! Put it back!

The game is over.

-There's a purple ball and a silver ball...

-You've run out of time.

It's like watching...

It's like watching two women trying to park at the same time.

They must have taken 15 minutes.

It'll be time to go home soon.

It's like watching two penguins fighting over a fish.

See, this would make a great Paralympic event

because people with no arms would be really, really good at it.

They could go against un-Paralympians.

-It'd be a bit silly as an Olympic event.

-It wouldn't be as silly as

that one where the old guys make horses do line dancing.

-What's that called again?

-Dressage.

Anyway, there won't be any rubbish events in my Olympics.

-You're holding an Olympics?

-Yeah, later, and don't worry.

We won't be doing wheelchair rugby,

cos we tried it at school with shopping trolleys

and it really was quite dangerous.

-You tried it with what?

-Oh, at last!

See, Mary, it's not rocket science, is it?

Come on, Norris, it's you and me now.

Does anybody need a fill-up?

Ray, you're up.

Sorry, I don't feel comfortable having fruit under my chin.

Looks like it's you then, Pete.

Did you know you're in a brilliant clip on YouTube?

Oh, yeah, it's the one where me and the other weathermen

sang Singing In The Rain for Children in Need?

-Oh, yeah, that was great...

-No.

No, you're doing a weather forecast and you're talking about blizzards.

You get in a tangle, saying the words "cold front".

Instead of saying cold front, you say "frold..."

We know what he said, that's...

Has anyone seen Mary and Tatiana?

Honestly, those two are always disappearing somewhere.

How many people have seen this clip?

Oh, don't worry, Ray, it won't be many.

5,600,000? It's gone viral.

BEEPING

There's my pinger. Everybody, I just wanted to say...

RETCHING

Oh. Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...

RETCHING CONTINUES

Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...

MORE RETCHING

OK, I'm just telling you

that the homemade sausage rolls are ready, so enjoy!

You OK, Jane?

Well, you were right about the trifle, Pete.

Dad, you need to check her vomit.

-Thanks, Ben, that's very...

-If there's blood, that's bad.

Ben, go downstairs and stay downstairs.

Ben.

Ben, Ben, come back!

Ben, the sign should have been on this side of the door.

Can I ask your advice about something?

-Yes, dear, of course.

-Well, say you had a King high showing,

would you ever bluff against a pair of threes?

What?

He told me he was a Mormon, but it turned out he was just a bigamist.

Hello! We're locked in here!

Sue is so lucky to have found you.

Someone who's decent, solid,

doesn't want to establish a global caliphate.

So, what's the latest on Omar?

Oh, Pete, I don't really want to talk about it.

Oh, right.

It turns out he had a wife in Jordan.

Hello! Anybody there?

Cos you used to do that poker online, didn't you,

when you had your addiction?

Well, that was really social.

You haven't seen my wife and Tatiana, have you?

-Sorry, no.

-Aren't Mary and Tatiana gay?

Oh, I think so, dear.

-So, would you fold or bluff?

-Well, I'd fold.

You'd fold?

But you weren't very good though, and you did lose a lot of money.

I suppose I should have wondered about the missing hand,

but he said he lost it in a guacamole blending accident.

Hello! If only I'd got my mobile.

Mobile! I've got mine.

Oh, no battery left. Isn't that just like me?

Well, I suppose we're all like ourselves, or we'd be someone else.

I wish I was someone else. Do you think I can change?

Jane, I'm sure you can.

I met this guy who said I could change.

Do you know much about scientology?

Hello! Please!

Uh-oh.

-You all right there, Ray?

-Yeah, yeah.

This is my first social outing

since my episode, and this is one of my coping strategies.

I'm ionising. I still have a bit of a problem sometimes

-with reckless behaviour issues.

-Oh.

That's how I got banned from the bell-ringing group.

-Hi, Mum.

-Jake!

I hope it's all right, I just brought some mates back.

No, that's really nice. I thought you'd be out,

you know, at one of those places you go to.

Well, you know, Mum's having a party, we're not going to beat that,

especially with all the free booze.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

-You're all out of breath.

-Out of breath?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're out of breath

cos we raced all the way back, didn't we?

For... For... For the free booze.

Hello!

Why are you shouting "Hello"?

Karen, I need help.

You should shout "Help!"

Open the bloody door now!

OK, OK, keep calm.

It probably says that in that parenting book

that you couldn't be bothered to read.

Oh, Peter, you dirty dog!

-Jane's been ill...

-Don't worry, I won't tell Sue.

All right, Norris. You OK to walk, Jane?

You haven't seen Mary and Tatiana, have you?

They're probably off...elsewhere.

Oh, yes, doing those things women do.

Yes, probably a lot of...doing that.

So lovely to see you all. Tommo not with you?

Tommo. No, he had to... He pulled a muscle.

-Oh, what, in the race?

-The race?

The race you had to get the free booze.

Oh, yeah, that race, yeah.

Actually, it was earlier, when we were stretching.

Oh, well, never mind.

Listen, boys, the snacks are nearly all gone,

but I could make you some sandwiches.

So you're Karen, then? Can I have a look?

Haven't you ever seen a kid's room before?

Me and my husband don't have kids.

Well, I don't blame you.

I'm not going to. They're a nightmare.

Well, no, I wanted them, but my husband didn't.

So how did you decide who got to decide?

Cos that's too serious for, like, rock, paper, scissors.

Well, I suppose he just said "no."

Well, you must love him a lot then, otherwise you'd have left him

for someone a lot nicer by now...

Well, I suppose...

Sorry, I'm trying to concentrate.

Oh, my God, you are trying to kidnap a kid again.

Right, time to show our cards, I think.

So when you promised to make sure I didn't get trapped with Jane,

that didn't include being locked in a bathroom

as she projected trifle from every orifice.

-Ah, she was sick again.

-No, she wasn't just sick, Sue.

-Oh, she was...?

-Yes.

-So you've changed, then?

-Yes. I've changed.

Are you suppressing a giggle?

Because this isn't funny.

No, Sue, this really isn't funny.

-My mother is playing swingball.

-Yes, it's round three

of Ben's Paralympic heptathlon.

They're only allowed to use one arm and one leg.

Isn't that dangerous?

-You should have seen the blind archery.

-Eh?

Oh, Jake's back.

Yes, he came back with a group of his mates. Decided to party with us.

So he came back of his own free will?

Yes, it's great, isn't it?

It sort of completes the communityness.

It's like old times, isn't it?

House full of Jake and his mates.

So they just came back of their own free will?

Can you stop saying that?

Are you OK, Ray?

Yeah, this is another one of my coping strategies.

Karen, I really need you to come down and be sociable.

-What are you doing up here anyway?

-Online poker.

-Poker?! You're ten!

-They don't know that.

Hang on a minute.

It's not gambling, because I got an email saying

I get a free £20 bet if I register.

It is gambling, and what are they doing sending you...?

Well, they sent you it, but I knew you wouldn't use it, so it's OK.

It is not OK to impersonate me online

and illegally play poker against strangers.

I knew you'd say that.

Anyway, it's not even poker, it's Texas Hold 'Em.

Texas... How do you know all this?

-Because we play poker at school.

-At school?!

-For matchsticks.

-Matchsticks, at least you're not playing...

Yes, and every matchstick's worth 10p.

Ben, this is getting a bit...

I know, but we're only playing with one arm now,

cos when we played with one leg, Gran kept falling over.

Well, maybe it's time to move onto something else.

-Loosen up, tight pants!

-Actually, Mum, that's not what...

Kids are not allowed to gamble and that is that.

Well, Monopoly is gambling. You have a dice and...

It's not the same, you don't use real money to play Monopoly, do you?

-Actually, at school, we do.

-I don't want to know any more.

I'm going to email that poker online company,

and I'm going to tell them what you've been doing illegally

and get them to cancel everything that's happened this evening.

-OK.

-OK.

-You are £183 up.

Well...

Just make sure you don't do it again.

Am I right? So that's a yes?

Between you and me, Gran was getting a bit over-excited

and it was kind of unsafe.

Sorry, did you just say the word "unsafe"?

All right, Jane?

Much better.

-Sorry?

-She's feeling much better.

Imodium...found...cabinet.

She took some Imodium she found in your cabinet.

We don't have any Imodium. We've just got Rennies

and some of those really strong painkillers

for when I did my back in.

Jane, what colour were the pills you took?

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

Nope, didn't get that one.

Your mum's playing swingball with Ray now.

Actually, look, we've a bit of a situation here,

Jane has taken some pills.

I feel weller than porpoises.

-She feels weller than...

-OK, Ben, got that one.

Jane, how many pills did you take?

Ooh, Jane. Jane?

-Are you thinking Casualty?

-Yes.

-Are you sober enough to drive?

-God, no. You?

-Nowhere near.

There must be someone who can take her.

-We'll call an ambulance.

-Right, I'm on it.

Oh, look out, here comes Trouble and Strife, and Strife and Trouble.

Where have you been? Found somewhere to go shopping?

Norris, me and Tatiana are lovers, and I'm leaving you.

Oh, you girls, you really crack me up.

I've been trying to pluck up the courage,

but tonight, the little girl made my mind up.

Can't keep pace, eh? Lightweights.

You're leaving me? What's she going to come up with next?

Lawyers. Bang.

..Alang-a-ding-dong. Remember, for once,

don't put the chain across the front door!

-Does he realise...?

-No.

Ambulance is on its way. A very busy night, apparently,

because an office party broke into the zoo. How's Jane, Pete?

Pete?

Should I stop her?

You could try.

Well, that was impressively fast.

I suppose a bucket of water's out of the question?

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

Does a Jake Brockman live here?

Er, yes, is there a problem?

Is that sexual harassment?

-Borderline.

-Oh, Gran.

Look, Ben, you talk to Jane, make sure she stays awake, OK?

There is a policeman here to speak to you.

-Oh, bollocks!

-Would you care to expand on that?

Yeah, well, you see, there was this incident...

Tommo turned up with an old bag of fireworks

and he thought it would be a laugh if we let off this rocket.

Only, he kind of crashed it into the doors of...a church.

What the...?! Did anyone see this?

Well, yeah. The people walking out of the Carol Service saw it.

-What?!

-Look, it's OK, no-one got hurt.

-I mean, the donkey panicked a bit.

-Donkey?!

It's OK, he didn't have Mary on his back, though it did run off

and knock over one of the Three Wise Men,

but he was fine as well.

Still looking for him, officer! Won't be a second!

Keep awake, Jane, just making some strong coffee.

What's 305 times 28, Jane?

I think she'd find that quite hard even if she hadn't taken the pills.

You're going to have to explain it wasn't you,

tell him it was Tommo!

I can't do that, that'd drop Tommo right in it,

-his parents will kick him out again.

-That's not...

Look, Mum, I am not ratting on Tommo. He's a mate.

Try to keep her awake, Ben.

What's your biggest fear? Think of your biggest fear.

Like a Count Dracula gorilla eating a werewolf monkey or something.

Frankenstein, but he's a frog.

Think you're being chased by owls. No-one likes owls.

Don't get bogged down on the owls, Ben.

-What's the capital of Serbia?

-Owls.

You say you didn't see how the rocket got fired at the church?

No, I was...texting

Jake realises how serious this is.

Sorry, got to go, the boundary issues have resurfaced.

Jake realises the seriousness of this incident,

-but nobody got hurt...

-Why do you say that?

The rocket started a fire in the vestry,

two people have been rushed to hospital.

I didn't see there was a fire.

You didn't wait to find out, did you?

I had no idea that that had happened.

No, well... That's because it didn't.

But it could have done, very easily, eh?

Well, absolutely, yes.

Are policemen allowed to make stuff up like that?

Yes, madam, one of the few perks left.

That, and telling cabinet ministers

they can't take their bikes through gates.

Do you know a Thomas Thompson?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he didn't fire the rocket.

That's what he said when I took his statement.

-Right.

-He said you did it.

-He did it!

-Well, who am I to believe?

My son, cos the other boy's a lying pillock.

"Lying pillock."

-Stay awake, Jane!

-Jane, look out, there's a bear behind you. Bah!

-What's the capital of Iceland?

-Pete, the ambulance!

-St Pancras International. Come!

-I'm coming.

How can so few people make such a bloody mess?!

Before you say anything, I am very, very sorry

you had to go in the ambulance with Jane. I was delayed with Jake.

-Yeah, yeah, OK.

-How did it go anyway?

Did she have to have her stomach pumped?

No, she did that herself. En route, quite a lot.

-Right. You've changed again.

-Yes, I have.

Well, that was a lovely party.

And now, amigos, I must hit the road.

I think you'd best stay the night, Sandra.

Susan, I can perfectly capably drive myself home.

-Well, no, you can't.

-And why not?

Because you didn't come in your car.

Oh, yes. Ha!

Oh, my lovely big boy!

I'm very proud of you.

Have I ever told you that?

No, Mum.

Oh. Nighty-night.

Oh, sod it, red wine stain!

I'll get some salt... Salt, salt.

You know what I miss? Proper tall policemen.

Red telephone boxes,

stamps that just had the sodding Queen on them.

Sparrows.

Do you think Norris realises what's happened?

I think a small part of him does.

The part that isn't a prat.

-I could walk him home.

-Oh, no. If he's not gone in half an hour,

I'll send Karen in to talk to him.

My party broke up his marriage.

That marriage was doomed from...

well, the moment it involved Norris.

You were right. This party was a stupid idea.

Do you know, in a weird way, I quite enjoyed it.

-Honestly?

-You were right, it was fun to meet the neighbours.

-It was like a freak show.

-Exactly. Hugely entertaining.

My mother told me she was proud of me, that is a lifelong first.

I got a ride in an ambulance.

We jumped six red lights, it was brilliant.

Yeah, Mum, the party was a laugh.

Ah, nice try, boys, but I know what you're doing.

You're saying all this stuff just to make me feel better.

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Of course not.

-Why would we do that?

Listen, I'm David Beckham!

We got to play some cool party games, didn't we?

Yeah, the games were good, Ben. You did a good job.

Actually, there was one game we never got round to playing.

We could play it now. Blind football.

REINDEER GRUNTS

And a Merry Christmas to you too.

-Come on.

-What the...?

-We're kicking that way,

On my command, play!

-Have you thrown the ball in?

-Oh, no, sorry, here you go.

MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme

Which way am I facing?

Hang on, what was that?

Foul!

Strictly speaking, we should each have a dog.

It's in the air!

No, it's over here somewhere.

Has this been Health and Safety risk assessed?