Christmas Special 2012 Outnumbered


Christmas Special 2012

Sitcom. The Brockman family throw a Christmas party for their neighbours to help foster a sense of community. Of course, things do not go smoothly.


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Transcript


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Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

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Ow! What part of "ow" didn't you understand?

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You didn't say stop!

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"Ow" is the equivalent of stop, isn't it, clearly?

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Clearly, you have to be more specific.

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-Mum!

-Yes, Ben?

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Shall I start putting up these balloons?

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Yeah, all right, but no inhaling the helium!

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-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Inhaling the what?

-Ben! Oh, Ben...

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-It's an inert gas, it's harmless.

-You definitely said "left"!

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-I meant MY left.

-You didn't say "my left".

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Why would I say left from someone else's perspective? That would be madness.

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-Why isn't Karen helping?

-She's installed in her bedroom.

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I'm going to text her and get her down.

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That's what I hate about texting,

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it's destroying the ancient craft of shouting up the stairs.

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-What is this?

-That's mulled wine.

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It's great for winter parties

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and it fills the house with this lovely smell.

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Yeah, and then you have to drink it.

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Ben, don't eat the cocktail sausages.

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-Don't put it back!

-Argh! Ow!

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-You said "right a bit"!

-Yes - a bit!

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-That was definitely a bit.

-A bit is far less that that.

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No, less than that would be a tad.

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I think I've done my metatarsal.

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When I was young, we didn't have metatarsals. Just bones.

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Why have we got to move this stupid thing anyway?

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Because we need to create space in the living room

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for people to circulate.

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Do you think it could do with more decoration?

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-Erm...

-God, I know that "erm".

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Well...

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I know that "well" as well. Look, it's festive and Christmassy.

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What is Christmassy about that?

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It looks like a loyalist estate.

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Well, I had some bunting left over from the Jubilee.

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It's...feelgood and twenty-twelve-y.

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-Twenty-twelve-y?

-Yes. It will revive the happy memories of the glorious

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summer of sport. The Olympics, Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah,

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Andy Murray, the Paralympics, everybody booing George Osborne.

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It makes you feel good just thinking about it.

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-I've worked out the party games.

-PHONE BEEPS

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-I've put Ben in charge of entertainment.

-Oh, God!

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Charades, Kim's Game, Twenty Questions and British Bulldog.

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You can't play British Bulldog at a drinks party.

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They have to put down their drinks, obviously.

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Karen!

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You do not have an "opt-out", just get down here and muck in!

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Can we not just leave this in here?

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OK... No, no, cos people might want to circulate in here as well.

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No, take it upstairs. Karen! Karen, have you gone deaf?

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Left a bit... Not there!

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-HAVE YOU GONE...? Oh.

-TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

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"Yes, I have." Right, missy...

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Party organiser?

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Yeah, I'm going to put it on my CV.

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You can't just make stuff up on your CV.

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Yes, you can.

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My mate Todd said he worked as a UN peace envoy

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and Morrisons never even checked it.

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Karen, can you stop texting me and...?

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-Oh. Oh, no. It's another drop-out.

-Hello, mate.

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-'Yeah, I'm not bad. You?'

-We've lost over half our guests

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to this winter vomiting lurgy.

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Maybe we should cancel, rather than fill our house

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-with potential carriers...

-We are not cancelling.

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It's a vicious little bug. The Deputy Head threw up during assembly

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-and pebble-dashed half of Year 8.

-This party is a chance for us

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to reach out to get to know our neighbours better.

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You know the saying - "Good fences make good neighbours."

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-Pete...

-Preferably topped with razor wire...

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-Pete...

-..and machine-gun turrets.

-Pete,

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can you go easy on the Grinch routine?

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We've all lived in this street for years, yet most of us

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are on nodding terms at best.

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When you think about what happened to poor old Mr Sanderson...

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-Yeah... No, that was sad.

-He just lay there for days

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and nobody even knocked on his door,

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or... You know, this is a chance for us

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-to reach out to some neighbours...

-So who is coming?

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Oh, you know, just... assorted neighbours.

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And Jane.

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-Jane? You invited Jane?

-Yes, I did. Yes. But she can't come.

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-She's texted to say she's down with the lurgy.

-Oh, no. Really?

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Yeah, you might want to go for another take on that one.

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She sounded very low and I thought it was only right to invite her.

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Absolutely. Still, she can't make it, shame.

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Ben, have you done that sign for the toilet door,

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warning people about the dodgy door handle?

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Yeah, see? "Danger". And I've drawn a funny picture as well.

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What is it?

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It's a toilet with teeth.

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Oh, erm, Jake, when the party starts,

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-you will stay and be sociable, won't you?

-I'm going out with my mates.

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But you'll stay for a while?

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Yeah, obviously. How long is a while?

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-An hour?

-I was thinking maybe more like twenty minutes.

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-Fifty.

-That's still an hour, really, isn't it?

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-Forty-five.

-Thirty.

-No, forty-five.

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Mum, come on. I'm already missing the pre-lash.

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-Pre-lash?

-Yeah, you know, it's like the lash before the main lash.

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-Forty.

-Thirty-five.

-Thirty-eight.

-Done.

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-Come on!

-Yes, all right!

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Careful! It's like watching the Chuckle Brothers.

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-Ow, ow!

-You need to be more specific.

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Stop, then!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh, first of Mum's surprise guests, perhaps. Who could it be, I wonder?

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Robert Mugabe? Abu Hamza?

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Joey Barton?

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Oh. Hi, Mum.

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Hello, Peter.

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It's quite cold out here.

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Oh, sorry, come in. Come in.

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-Hi, Jake.

-Hi, Gran.

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We, erm... We weren't expecting you.

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Well, I was just passing by

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and I thought I'd drop off the kids' presents.

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-You having a clear-out?

-We're having a party.

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Well, not really a party, as such,

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it's more of a... more of a gathering.

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We would have invited you, but it's a neighbours-only gathering.

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For neighbours, you know.

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Sue's trying to promote a sense of community.

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-A sense of community?

-Yeah, it's...twenty-twelve-y.

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Why don't you join us?

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No, thanks, really, I...

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Come on, it'll be fun.

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I've got food in the fridge that needs eating up.

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-Well, fair enough...

-Oh, come on.

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No, really, she's got food in the fridge that needs eating up, Sue.

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Don't be silly.

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-I'm not a party person.

-She's not a party person.

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And if it's neighbours-only...

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You can be guest-of-honour. Come on in. Come on!

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Hello, Ben.

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Hi, Gran. Have you ever played British Bulldog?

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So when we finally get this upstairs,

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where do you want us to put it?

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Oh...erm...good qu...

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Actually, we could put drinks on that.

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Yeah, no, sling it back in here. This is the best place to put it.

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I can think of a better place to put it.

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Our so-called leaders are being led by the nose

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by the so-called Burgers of Brussels.

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And that, my friend, is why I am seriously considering

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voting UKIP, because you can say what you like about Nigel Farage,

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but he is a man who can survive plane crashes.

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Can David Cameron do that?

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Did you tell Dad that Norris was coming?

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Do you know, it slipped my mind.

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Well, I couldn't leave him out, could I?

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He's a neighbour. And anyway, Dad seems to be coping perfectly well.

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Because some Euro-bureaucrat dictating the shape of my bananas

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is quite frankly bananas!

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I've said this so many times, haven't I, Mary?

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Yes. Yes, he has.

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Hey, everyone, this is Ray. Ray, here's your badge.

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Obviously, you know my dad, and...have you met Norris?

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-Yes. Yes, I have.

-And this is...

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Mary, my wife Mary. Tatiana, our next door neighbour, although she

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spends so much time in our kitchen, I'm thinking of charging her rent!

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She's Russian. But don't worry, she's not Mafia.

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If I was Mafia, I get someone to kill you.

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-Bang!

-Agh!

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-Bang! Bang! Bang!

-Good shot.

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Bang! Bang! Bang, bang, bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

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-Top-ups, anyone?

-Yeah. Top me up, topster-in-chief.

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-This is Ben.

-How old is Ben?

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I'm twelve.

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-Twelve! He's big for his age, isn't he?

-Yes.

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Do you play rugby, Ben?

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They asked me not to. The parents signed a petition.

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Yeah. There were a few...injury...issues.

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-Right.

-Just good old-fashioned enthusiasm, really,

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but you know what it's like once lawyers get involved!

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-Sue, can I, um...can I have a word?

-Yeah.

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I'm a bit worried about Mum.

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Oh, really, why?

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Well, she's talking to those people

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and...she keeps laughing.

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Laughing?

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Yeah, you know, like she's a...sociable person.

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Look, see?

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I don't like it, it's not natural.

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How much has she had to drink?

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I suppose she did start a few hours before everyone else.

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No, Sue, she doesn't normally drink, she...

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Oh, loosen up, so she's shedding some inhibitions, that won't...

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No, look, she's being physically affectionate!

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This is so weird! We have to warn the children.

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Oh, no, too late.

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Oops, small person alert!

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-Hello there...

-I'm not stopping.

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-She's very pretty. How old is she?

-Ten.

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So, little lady of the house, how's school, is it fun?

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-No, it's school.

-Karen!

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-It's a pointless question.

-Karen!

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I don't mean to be rude, but I've seen your face somewhere.

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-Oh, Ray used to be a TV weatherman.

-Oh, a long, long time ago.

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So, Raymondo, haven't seen you out and about,

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didn't you have one of those breakdown thingies?

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-Norris...

-It's OK, Mary,

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there's no stigma attached to mental illness these days.

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In fact, I believe it's quite "in".

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-And...are you better now?

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Oh, yes. Well, it's a process.

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I'm currently engaging with addressing the various issues

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I have with boundaries.

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Oh...that's nice.

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Jane.

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Erm...Sue said you were sick.

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Oh, yeah, I've had this tummy bug thing.

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It's been... Hang on.

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No, it's OK, false alarm.

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You look a bit rough, are you sure you should be out?

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I was at home, feeling awful, but then I thought,

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"No, don't be so selfish, Jane.

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"Sue was kind enough to invite you, so the least you can do is make

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"a bit of an effort." And I reckon I'm probably not infectious now.

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God, it's hot in here, isn't it?

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Well, no, actually. It isn't.

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Jane!

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Gosh, are you sure you should be out?

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You just can't give in to these things.

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Besides, I think I'm through the worst,

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I haven't thrown up for at least an hour.

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This is Jane, everyone, who hasn't thrown up for at least an hour.

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-Would you like something to drink?

-Just water for me, thanks.

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Oh, all right, make it a white wine, what the hell?

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What she's got is the norovirus.

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It's not dangerous, that's why it's so infectious.

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Dangerous viruses kill too quickly, so they kill before they can spread.

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Evidence of this is the Spanish flu,

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which happened just after the First World War.

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People would be dying mid-sentence - they'd be like,

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"Oh, I'm so happy the First World War is over... Oh!"

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That's our Christmas ruined. We're all going to spend it on the toilet.

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"I'm probably not infectious." Of course she's infectious, look at her!

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We might just as well have lobbed a diseased corpse

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into the middle of the room.

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Don't be such a drama queen.

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-I'm not getting lumbered with her.

-Eh?

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-Every Christmas, I end up being trapped with her.

-OK, OK.

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I want you to promise me that I will not end up being trapped with her.

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OK, I promise you will not end up being trapped with her.

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I want it in writing, Sue. I mean it.

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-Where's a Biro?

-OK, that's 38 minutes,

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-so I'm out of here.

-Can I come? PHONE RINGS

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Yo, Tommo.

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All right, sick!

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-OK, bye, Tommo.

-Tommo? Tom Thomson?

-Yeah, why?

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-Well, Tom Thomson, he's a bit...

-Tom Thomson?

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Oh, no, he's not back on the scene again, is he?

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Yeah, why? You got a problem with him?

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Well, no, it's just that Tom has a history of being a bit...

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-Well, a little bit...

-Stupid.

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-And reckless.

-Based on what?

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Based on the badger in the taxi,

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the toy gun outside Buckingham Palace,

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the streaking through the mosque.

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Oh, come on now, that was funny.

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He's just a risky person to be around.

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Yeah, well, he's a good mate and I like him.

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And I'm not a kid any more, so don't worry. I'll be back about two.

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Two? 2am?

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-He's 17, it's like 28 in old money.

-You should have said something.

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Like what? Have you seen the size of him?

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You have to accept that we're powerless onlookers, we are just...

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-And the Irishman's wife said...

-Oh, God, she's telling jokes now.

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I've never known her GET a joke, let alone tell one.

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Mum... Mum, do you think maybe you should

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ease off the mulled wine?

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Yes, it is a bit sickly. Think I'll move on to something alcoholic.

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No, mulled wine is... It's wine, that's why it's called wine.

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Ooh, what's that smell? It's the smell of fear.

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If I was Health Secretary, I'd simply say, none of you

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can have new livers - you're alcoholics, case closed,

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clunk-click, thank you very much.

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Oh, but alcoholism is such a sad illness.

0:14:220:14:24

My boyfriend, the one before last, he had a drink problem.

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Did you know he had a drink problem when you started going out with him?

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No, he didn't have it when I started going out with him.

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I mean, fundamentally, in my opinion,

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all forms of addiction have an emotional root...

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No, it's OK...false alarm.

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Erm...it's an emotional root that can only be...

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All right, everyone, it's time for games.

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All right, before we start, is anyone allergic to nuts,

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lactose or lizards?

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Ah, ah. You've got to be sociable if you want to eat the party food.

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I was, for three minutes.

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Actually, can you not argue with Jane about astrology?

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Cos it's not a fair fight.

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Come on, stay and be sociable, just to please your mum, eh?

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-Will you pay me to be sociable?

-Pay you?

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Yeah, because I was reading that parenting book you have,

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The Difficult In-between Years.

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it says you need to institute...

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rewards, as well as penalties.

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It says that if you don't, we could be held back

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"by a template of negativity."

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-It's in chapter one.

-Yeah, well, I haven't read it.

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You haven't read it?

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Your mum got it after Ben's making inappropriate remarks

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during King Lear incident.

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When he puts the cloth over, she has to remember all 20 items.

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-I know, Norris.

-OK, ready, Gran, and go!

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-There's a tray!

-You can't have the tray.

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The stuff on the tray. The tray doesn't count.

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-There's a cloth!

-No! You can't have the cloth!

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You can see the cloth.

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How are you supposed to raise me if you haven't done the reading?

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You do it instinctively.

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-My mum and dad didn't have parenting books.

-Exactly.

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You say that you do it instinctively, but, I mean,

0:16:220:16:26

would you want a doctor to remove your appendix instinctively?

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-Of course I wouldn't...

-They'd have to study

0:16:300:16:33

for ten years to become, like, a really good doctor.

0:16:330:16:35

You can't even put in ten minutes of reading.

0:16:350:16:38

That's enough of this. You should be in there talking to...

0:16:380:16:41

Text me if you want me.

0:16:410:16:43

Scissors!

0:16:430:16:44

No! That doesn't count, because he said it.

0:16:440:16:46

No! You've got to play the game properly.

0:16:460:16:49

You all right, Pete?

0:16:520:16:53

Still fit and well, for the moment.

0:16:530:16:57

Maybe I should be going round ringing a bell and shouting "Leper!"

0:16:570:17:01

I'm not sure we've got a bell.

0:17:010:17:03

You think you should be eating?

0:17:030:17:06

I think food might settle my stomach down.

0:17:060:17:08

Are you sure the best thing is trifle?

0:17:080:17:11

At times like this, I think you just have to listen to your body.

0:17:110:17:15

I think we're all going to end up listening to your body.

0:17:170:17:21

See? Everyone's getting on really well.

0:17:280:17:31

Yes, well, Norris's wife and the woman who lives next door...

0:17:310:17:38

-Tatiana.

-Tatiana. They seem to be getting on very well.

0:17:380:17:42

What are you saying?

0:17:420:17:44

Well, Tatiana passed...

0:17:440:17:46

-Mary.

-..Mary in the hall

0:17:460:17:49

and she sort of...touched her.

0:17:490:17:54

Touched her?

0:17:540:17:55

Yes. She put her hand on her buttock.

0:17:550:18:00

What? Like a grope?

0:18:000:18:01

Not a full-on grope, but more fondle than pat.

0:18:010:18:06

There was squeezage.

0:18:060:18:10

-"Squeezage?"

-You know...

-Oi!

0:18:100:18:13

Ooh, gone a bit early there, Pete.

0:18:130:18:15

I should wait till later, when she's drunk.

0:18:150:18:17

But get her consent in writing,

0:18:170:18:19

you know what it's like these days.

0:18:190:18:22

Oh. Welcome, Lauren from Cincinnati,

0:18:250:18:30

or, as I call you, Fresh Meat.

0:18:300:18:33

-Look at your mum, enjoying herself.

-It's like watching a cat bark.

0:18:350:18:42

If only we'd thought of alcohol before.

0:18:420:18:44

You know, about 30 years ago.

0:18:440:18:47

She's hugging everyone. Apart from me, obviously.

0:18:470:18:50

All right, Ray, are you ready?

0:18:500:18:52

I'm supposed to avoid situations involving pressure.

0:18:520:18:56

Go!

0:18:560:18:58

I don't like the look of Jane.

0:18:580:19:00

She's a Vesuvius full of trifle and we're Pompeii.

0:19:000:19:04

A spoon, a teaspoon.

0:19:040:19:07

A small ruler, like a child's ruler.

0:19:070:19:10

Three, two, one.

0:19:100:19:13

Time up!

0:19:130:19:15

No! Put it back! Put it back!

0:19:150:19:17

The game is over.

0:19:170:19:18

-There's a purple ball and a silver ball...

-You've run out of time.

0:19:180:19:21

It's like watching...

0:19:230:19:25

It's like watching two women trying to park at the same time.

0:19:250:19:29

They must have taken 15 minutes.

0:19:310:19:34

It'll be time to go home soon.

0:19:340:19:37

It's like watching two penguins fighting over a fish.

0:19:370:19:40

See, this would make a great Paralympic event

0:19:400:19:43

because people with no arms would be really, really good at it.

0:19:430:19:47

They could go against un-Paralympians.

0:19:470:19:51

-It'd be a bit silly as an Olympic event.

-It wouldn't be as silly as

0:19:510:19:54

that one where the old guys make horses do line dancing.

0:19:540:19:58

-What's that called again?

-Dressage.

0:19:580:20:00

Anyway, there won't be any rubbish events in my Olympics.

0:20:000:20:03

-You're holding an Olympics?

-Yeah, later, and don't worry.

0:20:030:20:06

We won't be doing wheelchair rugby,

0:20:060:20:08

cos we tried it at school with shopping trolleys

0:20:080:20:11

and it really was quite dangerous.

0:20:110:20:13

-You tried it with what?

-Oh, at last!

0:20:130:20:17

See, Mary, it's not rocket science, is it?

0:20:170:20:19

Come on, Norris, it's you and me now.

0:20:190:20:23

Does anybody need a fill-up?

0:20:230:20:25

Ray, you're up.

0:20:270:20:31

Sorry, I don't feel comfortable having fruit under my chin.

0:20:310:20:36

Looks like it's you then, Pete.

0:20:380:20:39

Did you know you're in a brilliant clip on YouTube?

0:20:440:20:48

Oh, yeah, it's the one where me and the other weathermen

0:20:480:20:51

sang Singing In The Rain for Children in Need?

0:20:510:20:53

-Oh, yeah, that was great...

-No.

0:20:530:20:55

No, you're doing a weather forecast and you're talking about blizzards.

0:20:550:20:59

You get in a tangle, saying the words "cold front".

0:20:590:21:02

Instead of saying cold front, you say "frold..."

0:21:040:21:06

We know what he said, that's...

0:21:060:21:08

Has anyone seen Mary and Tatiana?

0:21:080:21:10

Honestly, those two are always disappearing somewhere.

0:21:100:21:14

How many people have seen this clip?

0:21:140:21:15

Oh, don't worry, Ray, it won't be many.

0:21:150:21:17

5,600,000? It's gone viral.

0:21:170:21:21

BEEPING

0:21:220:21:24

There's my pinger. Everybody, I just wanted to say...

0:21:240:21:29

RETCHING

0:21:290:21:32

Oh. Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...

0:21:320:21:36

RETCHING CONTINUES

0:21:360:21:38

Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...

0:21:380:21:41

MORE RETCHING

0:21:410:21:42

OK, I'm just telling you

0:21:420:21:44

that the homemade sausage rolls are ready, so enjoy!

0:21:440:21:48

You OK, Jane?

0:21:490:21:51

Well, you were right about the trifle, Pete.

0:21:510:21:54

Dad, you need to check her vomit.

0:21:540:21:56

-Thanks, Ben, that's very...

-If there's blood, that's bad.

0:21:560:21:59

Ben, go downstairs and stay downstairs.

0:21:590:22:03

Ben.

0:22:080:22:09

Ben, Ben, come back!

0:22:110:22:16

Ben, the sign should have been on this side of the door.

0:22:160:22:20

Can I ask your advice about something?

0:22:220:22:24

-Yes, dear, of course.

-Well, say you had a King high showing,

0:22:240:22:28

would you ever bluff against a pair of threes?

0:22:280:22:31

What?

0:22:310:22:33

He told me he was a Mormon, but it turned out he was just a bigamist.

0:22:330:22:37

Hello! We're locked in here!

0:22:370:22:39

Sue is so lucky to have found you.

0:22:390:22:42

Someone who's decent, solid,

0:22:420:22:45

doesn't want to establish a global caliphate.

0:22:450:22:49

So, what's the latest on Omar?

0:22:510:22:55

Oh, Pete, I don't really want to talk about it.

0:22:550:23:01

Oh, right.

0:23:010:23:03

It turns out he had a wife in Jordan.

0:23:030:23:07

Hello! Anybody there?

0:23:070:23:09

Cos you used to do that poker online, didn't you,

0:23:090:23:12

when you had your addiction?

0:23:120:23:14

Well, that was really social.

0:23:140:23:16

You haven't seen my wife and Tatiana, have you?

0:23:160:23:19

-Sorry, no.

-Aren't Mary and Tatiana gay?

0:23:190:23:23

Oh, I think so, dear.

0:23:230:23:24

-So, would you fold or bluff?

-Well, I'd fold.

0:23:240:23:29

You'd fold?

0:23:290:23:31

But you weren't very good though, and you did lose a lot of money.

0:23:310:23:35

I suppose I should have wondered about the missing hand,

0:23:380:23:42

but he said he lost it in a guacamole blending accident.

0:23:420:23:45

Hello! If only I'd got my mobile.

0:23:450:23:49

Mobile! I've got mine.

0:23:490:23:53

Oh, no battery left. Isn't that just like me?

0:23:530:23:57

Well, I suppose we're all like ourselves, or we'd be someone else.

0:23:570:24:01

I wish I was someone else. Do you think I can change?

0:24:010:24:04

Jane, I'm sure you can.

0:24:070:24:08

I met this guy who said I could change.

0:24:080:24:12

Do you know much about scientology?

0:24:120:24:15

Hello! Please!

0:24:150:24:18

Uh-oh.

0:24:180:24:20

-You all right there, Ray?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:24:200:24:23

This is my first social outing

0:24:230:24:26

since my episode, and this is one of my coping strategies.

0:24:260:24:31

I'm ionising. I still have a bit of a problem sometimes

0:24:320:24:36

-with reckless behaviour issues.

-Oh.

0:24:360:24:39

That's how I got banned from the bell-ringing group.

0:24:390:24:42

-Hi, Mum.

-Jake!

0:24:420:24:43

I hope it's all right, I just brought some mates back.

0:24:430:24:46

No, that's really nice. I thought you'd be out,

0:24:460:24:50

you know, at one of those places you go to.

0:24:500:24:52

Well, you know, Mum's having a party, we're not going to beat that,

0:24:520:24:55

especially with all the free booze.

0:24:550:24:57

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

0:24:570:24:59

-You're all out of breath.

-Out of breath?

0:24:590:25:02

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're out of breath

0:25:020:25:05

cos we raced all the way back, didn't we?

0:25:050:25:08

For... For... For the free booze.

0:25:080:25:11

Hello!

0:25:120:25:14

Why are you shouting "Hello"?

0:25:140:25:16

Karen, I need help.

0:25:160:25:17

You should shout "Help!"

0:25:170:25:19

Open the bloody door now!

0:25:190:25:22

OK, OK, keep calm.

0:25:220:25:23

It probably says that in that parenting book

0:25:230:25:26

that you couldn't be bothered to read.

0:25:260:25:29

Oh, Peter, you dirty dog!

0:25:290:25:32

-Jane's been ill...

-Don't worry, I won't tell Sue.

0:25:320:25:34

All right, Norris. You OK to walk, Jane?

0:25:340:25:36

You haven't seen Mary and Tatiana, have you?

0:25:360:25:39

They're probably off...elsewhere.

0:25:390:25:42

Oh, yes, doing those things women do.

0:25:420:25:46

Yes, probably a lot of...doing that.

0:25:460:25:50

So lovely to see you all. Tommo not with you?

0:25:500:25:54

Tommo. No, he had to... He pulled a muscle.

0:25:540:25:57

-Oh, what, in the race?

-The race?

0:25:570:26:00

The race you had to get the free booze.

0:26:000:26:03

Oh, yeah, that race, yeah.

0:26:030:26:05

Actually, it was earlier, when we were stretching.

0:26:050:26:08

Oh, well, never mind.

0:26:080:26:09

Listen, boys, the snacks are nearly all gone,

0:26:090:26:12

but I could make you some sandwiches.

0:26:120:26:14

So you're Karen, then? Can I have a look?

0:26:140:26:18

Haven't you ever seen a kid's room before?

0:26:180:26:20

Me and my husband don't have kids.

0:26:200:26:22

Well, I don't blame you.

0:26:220:26:23

I'm not going to. They're a nightmare.

0:26:230:26:26

Well, no, I wanted them, but my husband didn't.

0:26:260:26:29

So how did you decide who got to decide?

0:26:290:26:31

Cos that's too serious for, like, rock, paper, scissors.

0:26:310:26:36

Well, I suppose he just said "no."

0:26:360:26:40

Well, you must love him a lot then, otherwise you'd have left him

0:26:400:26:43

for someone a lot nicer by now...

0:26:430:26:45

Well, I suppose...

0:26:450:26:48

Sorry, I'm trying to concentrate.

0:26:480:26:50

Oh, my God, you are trying to kidnap a kid again.

0:26:500:26:54

Right, time to show our cards, I think.

0:26:540:26:57

So when you promised to make sure I didn't get trapped with Jane,

0:27:000:27:03

that didn't include being locked in a bathroom

0:27:030:27:06

as she projected trifle from every orifice.

0:27:060:27:09

-Ah, she was sick again.

-No, she wasn't just sick, Sue.

0:27:090:27:13

-Oh, she was...?

-Yes.

0:27:130:27:15

-So you've changed, then?

-Yes. I've changed.

0:27:150:27:19

Are you suppressing a giggle?

0:27:190:27:22

Because this isn't funny.

0:27:220:27:24

No, Sue, this really isn't funny.

0:27:250:27:28

-My mother is playing swingball.

-Yes, it's round three

0:27:300:27:33

of Ben's Paralympic heptathlon.

0:27:330:27:35

They're only allowed to use one arm and one leg.

0:27:350:27:38

Isn't that dangerous?

0:27:380:27:40

-You should have seen the blind archery.

-Eh?

0:27:400:27:43

Oh, Jake's back.

0:27:430:27:45

Yes, he came back with a group of his mates. Decided to party with us.

0:27:450:27:48

So he came back of his own free will?

0:27:480:27:50

Yes, it's great, isn't it?

0:27:500:27:52

It sort of completes the communityness.

0:27:520:27:55

It's like old times, isn't it?

0:27:550:27:57

House full of Jake and his mates.

0:27:570:27:59

So they just came back of their own free will?

0:27:590:28:02

Can you stop saying that?

0:28:020:28:03

Are you OK, Ray?

0:28:090:28:11

Yeah, this is another one of my coping strategies.

0:28:110:28:15

Karen, I really need you to come down and be sociable.

0:28:180:28:21

-What are you doing up here anyway?

-Online poker.

0:28:210:28:23

-Poker?! You're ten!

-They don't know that.

0:28:230:28:27

Hang on a minute.

0:28:270:28:28

It's not gambling, because I got an email saying

0:28:280:28:31

I get a free £20 bet if I register.

0:28:310:28:33

It is gambling, and what are they doing sending you...?

0:28:330:28:36

Well, they sent you it, but I knew you wouldn't use it, so it's OK.

0:28:360:28:40

It is not OK to impersonate me online

0:28:400:28:43

and illegally play poker against strangers.

0:28:430:28:46

I knew you'd say that.

0:28:460:28:47

Anyway, it's not even poker, it's Texas Hold 'Em.

0:28:470:28:50

Texas... How do you know all this?

0:28:500:28:53

-Because we play poker at school.

-At school?!

0:28:530:28:57

-For matchsticks.

-Matchsticks, at least you're not playing...

0:28:570:29:00

Yes, and every matchstick's worth 10p.

0:29:000:29:03

Ben, this is getting a bit...

0:29:030:29:05

I know, but we're only playing with one arm now,

0:29:050:29:07

cos when we played with one leg, Gran kept falling over.

0:29:070:29:09

Well, maybe it's time to move onto something else.

0:29:090:29:12

-Loosen up, tight pants!

-Actually, Mum, that's not what...

0:29:120:29:16

Kids are not allowed to gamble and that is that.

0:29:160:29:20

Well, Monopoly is gambling. You have a dice and...

0:29:200:29:22

It's not the same, you don't use real money to play Monopoly, do you?

0:29:220:29:25

-Actually, at school, we do.

-I don't want to know any more.

0:29:250:29:28

I'm going to email that poker online company,

0:29:280:29:31

and I'm going to tell them what you've been doing illegally

0:29:310:29:34

and get them to cancel everything that's happened this evening.

0:29:340:29:38

-OK.

-OK.

-You are £183 up.

0:29:380:29:42

Well...

0:29:420:29:45

Just make sure you don't do it again.

0:29:450:29:48

Am I right? So that's a yes?

0:29:480:29:51

Between you and me, Gran was getting a bit over-excited

0:29:510:29:54

and it was kind of unsafe.

0:29:540:29:56

Sorry, did you just say the word "unsafe"?

0:29:580:30:01

All right, Jane?

0:30:020:30:04

Much better.

0:30:040:30:06

-Sorry?

-She's feeling much better.

0:30:060:30:09

Imodium...found...cabinet.

0:30:090:30:14

She took some Imodium she found in your cabinet.

0:30:140:30:18

We don't have any Imodium. We've just got Rennies

0:30:180:30:20

and some of those really strong painkillers

0:30:200:30:24

for when I did my back in.

0:30:240:30:26

Jane, what colour were the pills you took?

0:30:260:30:29

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

0:30:290:30:33

Nope, didn't get that one.

0:30:330:30:34

Your mum's playing swingball with Ray now.

0:30:340:30:37

Actually, look, we've a bit of a situation here,

0:30:370:30:39

Jane has taken some pills.

0:30:390:30:41

I feel weller than porpoises.

0:30:410:30:44

-She feels weller than...

-OK, Ben, got that one.

0:30:440:30:48

Jane, how many pills did you take?

0:30:480:30:51

Ooh, Jane. Jane?

0:30:510:30:55

-Are you thinking Casualty?

-Yes.

0:30:550:30:59

-Are you sober enough to drive?

-God, no. You?

-Nowhere near.

0:30:590:31:02

There must be someone who can take her.

0:31:020:31:05

-We'll call an ambulance.

-Right, I'm on it.

0:31:090:31:12

Oh, look out, here comes Trouble and Strife, and Strife and Trouble.

0:31:120:31:16

Where have you been? Found somewhere to go shopping?

0:31:160:31:19

Norris, me and Tatiana are lovers, and I'm leaving you.

0:31:190:31:24

Oh, you girls, you really crack me up.

0:31:290:31:32

I've been trying to pluck up the courage,

0:31:320:31:34

but tonight, the little girl made my mind up.

0:31:340:31:36

Can't keep pace, eh? Lightweights.

0:31:360:31:39

You're leaving me? What's she going to come up with next?

0:31:390:31:42

Lawyers. Bang.

0:31:420:31:45

..Alang-a-ding-dong. Remember, for once,

0:31:450:31:48

don't put the chain across the front door!

0:31:480:31:51

-Does he realise...?

-No.

0:31:530:31:54

Ambulance is on its way. A very busy night, apparently,

0:31:540:31:57

because an office party broke into the zoo. How's Jane, Pete?

0:31:570:32:01

Pete?

0:32:010:32:02

Should I stop her?

0:32:070:32:08

You could try.

0:32:080:32:10

Well, that was impressively fast.

0:32:100:32:13

I suppose a bucket of water's out of the question?

0:32:130:32:17

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

0:32:190:32:21

Does a Jake Brockman live here?

0:32:210:32:23

Er, yes, is there a problem?

0:32:230:32:25

Is that sexual harassment?

0:32:300:32:32

-Borderline.

-Oh, Gran.

0:32:320:32:35

Look, Ben, you talk to Jane, make sure she stays awake, OK?

0:32:350:32:40

There is a policeman here to speak to you.

0:32:400:32:43

-Oh, bollocks!

-Would you care to expand on that?

0:32:430:32:47

Yeah, well, you see, there was this incident...

0:32:470:32:50

Tommo turned up with an old bag of fireworks

0:32:500:32:53

and he thought it would be a laugh if we let off this rocket.

0:32:530:32:56

Only, he kind of crashed it into the doors of...a church.

0:32:560:33:00

What the...?! Did anyone see this?

0:33:000:33:03

Well, yeah. The people walking out of the Carol Service saw it.

0:33:030:33:07

-What?!

-Look, it's OK, no-one got hurt.

0:33:070:33:10

-I mean, the donkey panicked a bit.

-Donkey?!

0:33:100:33:12

It's OK, he didn't have Mary on his back, though it did run off

0:33:120:33:16

and knock over one of the Three Wise Men,

0:33:160:33:18

but he was fine as well.

0:33:180:33:19

Still looking for him, officer! Won't be a second!

0:33:190:33:22

Keep awake, Jane, just making some strong coffee.

0:33:220:33:25

What's 305 times 28, Jane?

0:33:250:33:27

I think she'd find that quite hard even if she hadn't taken the pills.

0:33:270:33:31

You're going to have to explain it wasn't you,

0:33:310:33:33

tell him it was Tommo!

0:33:330:33:34

I can't do that, that'd drop Tommo right in it,

0:33:340:33:37

-his parents will kick him out again.

-That's not...

0:33:370:33:39

Look, Mum, I am not ratting on Tommo. He's a mate.

0:33:390:33:42

Try to keep her awake, Ben.

0:33:420:33:43

What's your biggest fear? Think of your biggest fear.

0:33:430:33:46

Like a Count Dracula gorilla eating a werewolf monkey or something.

0:33:460:33:49

Frankenstein, but he's a frog.

0:33:490:33:51

Think you're being chased by owls. No-one likes owls.

0:33:510:33:54

Don't get bogged down on the owls, Ben.

0:33:540:33:56

-What's the capital of Serbia?

-Owls.

0:33:560:33:58

You say you didn't see how the rocket got fired at the church?

0:33:580:34:01

No, I was...texting

0:34:010:34:04

Jake realises how serious this is.

0:34:040:34:06

Sorry, got to go, the boundary issues have resurfaced.

0:34:060:34:09

Jake realises the seriousness of this incident,

0:34:110:34:14

-but nobody got hurt...

-Why do you say that?

0:34:140:34:16

The rocket started a fire in the vestry,

0:34:160:34:19

two people have been rushed to hospital.

0:34:190:34:21

I didn't see there was a fire.

0:34:210:34:23

You didn't wait to find out, did you?

0:34:230:34:26

I had no idea that that had happened.

0:34:260:34:29

No, well... That's because it didn't.

0:34:290:34:33

But it could have done, very easily, eh?

0:34:330:34:37

Well, absolutely, yes.

0:34:370:34:40

Are policemen allowed to make stuff up like that?

0:34:400:34:45

Yes, madam, one of the few perks left.

0:34:450:34:47

That, and telling cabinet ministers

0:34:470:34:50

they can't take their bikes through gates.

0:34:500:34:52

Do you know a Thomas Thompson?

0:34:520:34:54

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he didn't fire the rocket.

0:34:540:34:57

That's what he said when I took his statement.

0:34:570:35:00

-Right.

-He said you did it.

0:35:000:35:01

-He did it!

-Well, who am I to believe?

0:35:010:35:04

My son, cos the other boy's a lying pillock.

0:35:040:35:07

"Lying pillock."

0:35:070:35:10

-Stay awake, Jane!

-Jane, look out, there's a bear behind you. Bah!

0:35:100:35:13

-What's the capital of Iceland?

-Pete, the ambulance!

0:35:130:35:15

-St Pancras International. Come!

-I'm coming.

0:35:210:35:24

How can so few people make such a bloody mess?!

0:35:280:35:31

Before you say anything, I am very, very sorry

0:35:330:35:36

you had to go in the ambulance with Jane. I was delayed with Jake.

0:35:360:35:41

-Yeah, yeah, OK.

-How did it go anyway?

0:35:410:35:43

Did she have to have her stomach pumped?

0:35:430:35:45

No, she did that herself. En route, quite a lot.

0:35:450:35:48

-Right. You've changed again.

-Yes, I have.

0:35:480:35:51

Well, that was a lovely party.

0:35:510:35:55

And now, amigos, I must hit the road.

0:35:550:35:58

I think you'd best stay the night, Sandra.

0:35:580:36:00

Susan, I can perfectly capably drive myself home.

0:36:000:36:05

-Well, no, you can't.

-And why not?

0:36:050:36:08

Because you didn't come in your car.

0:36:080:36:10

Oh, yes. Ha!

0:36:100:36:13

Oh, my lovely big boy!

0:36:140:36:18

I'm very proud of you.

0:36:200:36:22

Have I ever told you that?

0:36:220:36:24

No, Mum.

0:36:240:36:27

Oh. Nighty-night.

0:36:270:36:29

Oh, sod it, red wine stain!

0:36:310:36:34

I'll get some salt... Salt, salt.

0:36:340:36:37

You know what I miss? Proper tall policemen.

0:36:370:36:41

Red telephone boxes,

0:36:410:36:43

stamps that just had the sodding Queen on them.

0:36:430:36:49

Sparrows.

0:36:490:36:51

Do you think Norris realises what's happened?

0:36:510:36:54

I think a small part of him does.

0:36:540:36:57

The part that isn't a prat.

0:36:570:36:59

-I could walk him home.

-Oh, no. If he's not gone in half an hour,

0:36:590:37:03

I'll send Karen in to talk to him.

0:37:030:37:06

My party broke up his marriage.

0:37:060:37:08

That marriage was doomed from...

0:37:080:37:10

well, the moment it involved Norris.

0:37:100:37:13

You were right. This party was a stupid idea.

0:37:130:37:16

Do you know, in a weird way, I quite enjoyed it.

0:37:160:37:21

-Honestly?

-You were right, it was fun to meet the neighbours.

0:37:220:37:25

-It was like a freak show.

-Exactly. Hugely entertaining.

0:37:250:37:30

My mother told me she was proud of me, that is a lifelong first.

0:37:300:37:34

I got a ride in an ambulance.

0:37:340:37:35

We jumped six red lights, it was brilliant.

0:37:350:37:37

Yeah, Mum, the party was a laugh.

0:37:370:37:39

Ah, nice try, boys, but I know what you're doing.

0:37:390:37:42

You're saying all this stuff just to make me feel better.

0:37:420:37:44

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Of course not.

-Why would we do that?

0:37:440:37:48

Listen, I'm David Beckham!

0:37:480:37:50

We got to play some cool party games, didn't we?

0:37:500:37:52

Yeah, the games were good, Ben. You did a good job.

0:37:520:37:55

Actually, there was one game we never got round to playing.

0:37:550:37:58

We could play it now. Blind football.

0:37:580:38:01

REINDEER GRUNTS

0:38:100:38:12

And a Merry Christmas to you too.

0:38:120:38:15

-Come on.

-What the...?

-We're kicking that way,

0:38:160:38:19

On my command, play!

0:38:190:38:22

-Have you thrown the ball in?

-Oh, no, sorry, here you go.

0:38:230:38:26

MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme

0:38:260:38:29

Which way am I facing?

0:38:290:38:32

Hang on, what was that?

0:38:320:38:35

Foul!

0:38:350:38:37

Strictly speaking, we should each have a dog.

0:38:370:38:40

It's in the air!

0:38:450:38:46

No, it's over here somewhere.

0:38:460:38:49

Has this been Health and Safety risk assessed?

0:38:490:38:52

The Brockman family have decided to foster a sense of community by throwing a Christmas party for their neighbours. However, as expected, festivities do not go as smoothly as planned. They are visited by some colourful guests, including, among others, an opinionated neighbour, a traumatised ex-weatherman and that most unwelcome of guests, a seasonal gastric virus.


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