Christmas Special 2011 Outnumbered

Ben, stop unwrapping, you've unwrapped plenty of presents.

-You can't unwrap that.

-Why not?

Because that present's for me.

Yeah, but mum let me unwrap her chocolates.

I know... actually, where are they?

I dunno.

OK, 8.30, that's Christmas over...

-What?!

-What, you can't do that!

-It's Christmas, I want to shoot people with my new gun.

-Going away on Christmas isn't Christmassy.

Constantly saying "Have you kept the receipt?" isn't very Christmassy either.

This is the schedule, and if we stick to this,

we'll be at the airport the ridiculously three hours early they decree.

-Why can't we spend Christmas at home?

-Because we agreed, Karen.

We would spend our premium bond win on a week in the sun.

I didn't. I wanted to spend it on 32 micro pigs.

Ben, we've talked about this - we really need a break.

OK, Christmas needs to be cleared up in 15 minutes...max!

As I think is clear.

What?

No, no, we all need a break.

It's been a very stressful few months, what with, you know,

your sister and your dad, and your job thing

and the bedding infestation,

and Karen's silly letter and the social services over-reacting.

Do I have time to try out my metal detector? I might be able to find my home-made flame-thrower.

I never knew what happened to that.

I think you'll find it melted in the shed fire. Stop doing that.

Jake! Jake, you haven't moved since I said to everybody to help clear up.

In fact, you haven't spoken since seven o'clock.

Karen! Don't get distracted.

You need to decide which new book to take with you.

Oh, look, there you go The Dangerous Book For Boys.

Nah, someone should take this guy to court. I had a look at Ibrahim's, it's not dangerous at all.

-It's got dangerous stuff...

-Like, how to behave in front of girls. What's dangerous about that?

-That's just like a PSHE lesson.

-Right.

-And look this. First aid.

That's not dangerous, that's the opposite of dangerous!

-That's so you can know how...

-There's nothing about

running through an alligator pen with steak down your trousers.

-Well, that's...

-There's nothing about firework shoes in here.

-Firework shoes?

SWITCHES SHAVER ON

Look at this stuff. I mean, grinding an italic nib...

what's dangerous about that?!

-OK, that's not dangerous...

-If it was dangerous it would say "lion taming",

not "grinding an italic nib". Who chose me this?

It was from me. I'm sorry it doesn't have a section on how to bake an anthrax cookie or something, but...

-It's not dangerous.

-It's going to be very dangerous if you get behind your mum's schedule. Go!

Karen! Can you come down, please?

Jake! Move!

Why the hell are we flying on Christmas Day?

-It was the only flight available.

-They're available cos no normal person wants to fly

on Christmas Day.

Ignore him, he's got a hangover.

-Yep, three years before it's legal for him to drink.

-What is this obsession with not breaking the law?

What time are you vi...

Ben!

What time are you visiting your Dad?

40 minutes.

Do you think we should be going on holiday, with him in hospital?

Look, they said it's just a minor kidney infection.

-the only reason they've checked him into this hospital is to keep an eye on him.

-I know, it's just...

well, we were on holiday when Mum died.

But that was out of the blue.

-We tried to get a flight back home.

-Oh, I really lost it at the airport, didn't I?

That wasn't your fault. You're probably off that blacklist by now.

So we can't go back to Egypt, who cares?

Oh, I dunno what to do, it's-it's just...

If you've having doubts about it, Mum, then maybe...

WHAT'S THAT, JAKE?

-You're really loving this, aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

Because a hangover is nature's way of deterring binge drinking...

still, at least you weren't sick.

Were you sick?

Only outside.

Where outside?

-It was in a bin.

-You'll have to clear that up.

Not our dustbin. Next door's.

Not the Pattersons'?

Ohh. I suppose we'll have to tell them.

But then again, they don't know it was him. And we are leaving the country.

It's not so bad this time of year. It'll freeze.

What were you drinking, anyway?

Brandy is the worst for hangovers.

What?

Well, Maisie had some at Tanya's sleepover.

What? Where did she get it?

Tanya's mum's glass, when she fell asleep in the living room.

Tanya says that she often sleeps on the living room floor,

because it's good for her back, but we put out her cigarette for her.

Was her Dad there?

No. But he rang up to tell Tanya that he loved her

and then she put him on speakerphone and he started crying,

all gulpy, like...

SHE MIMICS SOBBING

-Ow!

-Is that tooth playing up again?

No, it's fine.

-There's one thing on this schedule.

-Ben!

"1.45 - hand house keys over to Jane". What do we do when she's late?

It'll be fine. I told her 12.30.

Don't make that face, you agreed it made sense to have a house-sitter.

Remember when we came back from Cornwall and there was a dead squirrel in the extractor fan?

-It was a terrible mess.

-Well, it was when we turned it on.

It's just that Jane is so...flaky.

She can't be TOTALLY flaky. I mean, she's assistant manager of something

-at that bank that she works for.

-Sue, it's the Bank of Ireland.

Well, I'm sure the euro would have collapsed without her!

-Are you taking any of the kids to see your dad?

-Um...

Not sure.

Do you know, I think I might give this floor a quick mop.

But you haven't got... Karen, can you stop filming us?

Take all your presents upstairs, and don't forget the socks Auntie Penny gave you.

Why send me socks when I don't even like socks?

She doesn't know about your deep hatred of knitted footwear.

-Someone should tell her.

-Well, that'd be unkind.

Well, you're unkind!

You make me send lots and lots of thank you cards, saying,

"Dear Auntie Penny, I love your socks." When I don't.

Poor Aunt Penny has to spend all year knitting socks

and then they just end up as sleeping bags for hamsters.

-Could you just...

-I don't want to go to the Canary Islands.

Ben, stop doing that.

Someone should tell her - it's simple. Chocolate or money.

The Canaries sounds boring.

Well, the one we're going to is basically a four-mile-high volcano sticking out of the sea.

Will there be lava spewing from the top?

Well, there could be.

-If we're lucky, it could erupt while we're there!

-Fingers crossed.

Shall I get in the car now?

Not yet.

It's like having a Labrador, isn't it?

Come on, everyone! We're behind schedule already!

Uh, I think I can see a hole at the back.

We can't have her in agony all week.

Go away. That's not helpful.

There could be something metal stuck in there.

-Might be something metal stuck in you if you...

-I think I've found a Roman spear in the garden.

It's a round metal pole and it's really long and I can't find the ends.

How are we going to find a dentist on Christmas Day?

I don't NEED a dentist!

I'll have a look. There must be emergency dentists

for all those seasonal walnut shell and toffee-related inj...

Oh, my God, it's the mains water pipe. Ben! Stop!

What's going on?

Ben's attacking the mains water pipe with a pickaxe.

Oh. Can't find the Alka-Seltzer.

No more digging up the garden, OK?

Go and read a book, or... meditate, or something.

Right... Emergency dentists.

So you've mopped the floor, cleaned out the fridge

and scrubbed the oven, all on Christmas Day...

-Yeah, I don't want to come back to it.

-..when you have a tight schedule...

Yep, it'll be fine.

..that says you should be visiting your dad...well, right now.

-I'll go when I've finished this.

-Would you like me to go?

Yes, would you?

I know I must seem horrible, but...

-Is it because of what happened on Tuesday?

-Yeah.

He thought I was the lady who brings round the magazines.

"I don't suppose you've got a copy of Health And Efficiency?" he said.

That's the first time he hasn't recognised me.

But in the end, he did recognise you.

Yeah, once I told him... I was me, he was fine, mostly.

Ben, what are you doing?

Me and Ibrahim have decided to become celebrities.

And I'm practising to break the Guinness World Record

of the record of the most carrots chopped up in one minute.

You might break the record for most fingers chopped off in 30 seconds.

Put that down!

Did you know Prenamya Menaria of India has got 25 fingers and toes,

so if there was a finger and toe chopping-off competition, he'd win.

What did people do, like, people with extra fingers and toes,

what did they do before the Guinness World Records book came out?

They got burnt.

PHONE BEEPS

Might be the hospital.

No, Jane. "Back with Jason. Best Christmas pressie ever."

Which boyfriend's Jason? Is he the bi-polar physicist,

the 19-year-old tattoo artist,

or the married Serbian war criminal?

He wasn't a war criminal. The European Court Of Justice made a mistake.

-So which one's Jason?

-He's the one who actually HAS been to prison.

Maggie told me.

Theft or fraud or something. Don't know if Jane knows.

Her love life, it's like one long identity parade.

Hang on, what if he comes to visit when she's staying?

-Well...

-Was it theft or fraud? We need to know whether to hide your jewellery or the bank statements.

I'm not too sure. Maggie told me on the tube, it was chaos.

But if it's bothering you, I can give her a ring.

This one is so doable.

Eight snails stuck to the face for ten seconds...

-I can stick lettuce up my nose.

-This isn't the route to celebrity.

No-one has ever heard of the man who lifted 160 pounds with his ears.

What? You mean Zafar Gill of Pakistan?

No-one apart from 11-year-old boys and men who still live with their mothers.

Done it, booked a dental appointment online, on the computer, without the aid of a child.

Mind, it is in 20 minutes, so we'll have to motor.

If I trained up my burping muscles,

I could do the world's loudest burp and I could go on Britain's Got Talent.

-Why do you want to be famous, just for the sake of it?

-Because you can do cool stuff, like...

go to the front of queues, or meet Katy Perry, or...

-Where have you...?

-Or have Hooker Nights of Shame,

-which sound fun. Not sure what they are.

-Hooker nights...?

And go to the Priory Hotel. It must be really good, all the celebs go there...

-Shall I tell you what a celebrity's life is really like?

-Play football in Wembley even if you're crap.

-You get famous, you lose all your friends...

-You always have TV crews following you around.

So, if you lose your PE kit then you can just look at the telly and see where you left it.

-Karen! Get your shoes on!

-You become an alcoholic,

you get caught on camera punching an amputee,

and have to revive your career going on I'm A Celebrity and eating 17 kangaroo testicles.

Does that sound like fun to you?

Well...yeah.

-Hi there.

-I'm here to see the drilling.

Right.

Oh, Hi. We've got an appointment for my daughter, Karen Brockman.

Ah, excellent. Hello, sweetie. What's your name?

Well, it's Karen Brockman. We've got an appointment at 10.15.

-It's just we're a bit up against it, we've got to be at the airport.

-Oh, are you going anywhere nice?

-Well, the Canaries, but like I say we are in a bit of a rush.

-Well, we just need to do some paperwork.

The dentist hit one of my nerves once with an injection and it was so cool, I couldn't feel my nose.

-Ben, there's a waiting room through there.

-But I can watch the drilling, can't I?

-No.

-Ohh!

So, can we, can we...?

Just a sec.

Where do you put the money in this thing?

Karen Brockman, wasn't it?

-Mm-hm.

-C...A...

No, it's K, A.

K... A...

R... E...N...

Now, remember, however Grandad seems, don't look worried.

What, like that?

It'll be fine, Dad.

Merry Christmas, Grandad!

Hi, Frank.

Hey!

# Here we are again

# Happy as can be

# All good pals and jolly good company. #

How...

# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain... #

Oh look, monkeys.

I love monkeys, especially when they're drinking tea.

Right, so, are they treating you well in here?

What, this place? Oh, yeah. It's lovely, this place...

Actually, what is this place?

Four... T... S... Is that 4TS?

Or 40...S?

4TS.

Like a postcode.

Oh, right... 4TS.

"Nature of emergency".

I think I'm going to put down "toothache".

T, double O...

No, no, I'm fine with that one, thank you.

Are you here about your teeth?

Er, yes...

You look nervous. Are you nervous?

I do get a bit nervous in dentists.

You should ask the dentist to give you gas. Gas is brilliant!

Once I had tooth that had, like, impacted into my jaw,

the dentist gave me gas, and I woke up and...it was weird.

I couldn't, like, feel anything

and the dentist had these huge pliers on my teeth,

and he had his foot stuck right on my chest and his face was red.

And he was, like, trying to rip the tooth out, and he screamed,

"Get out of there, you B-A-S-T-A-R-D!" and other swears.

But it was brilliant, because I could watch all of this and I couldn't feel a thing.

And then later, after it was finished,

I had this huge foot-shape bruise right on my chest.

So, what are you here for?

I...have a tooth impacted in my jaw.

Oh.

Sue sends her love.

Eh?

Sue...

sends her love.

Oh...nice.

She'd be here herself, but she had to take Karen to the dentist.

# You'll wonder where the yellow went

# When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

# Pa Pa Pepsodent

# Pa Pa Pepsodent. #

Jake, why don't you give Grandad his present?

I'm just going to have a quick word with one of the doctors.

OK... Here it is, Grandad.

Oh, lovely.

Is it kippers?

Well, is it kippers?

No, Grandad, it's not kippers.

Shame.

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

Oh, hello there. Can I help?

I'm Mr Morrison's son-in-law... Room 17.

Oh, yes... Is there a problem?

Yes, there is, actually.

This says "Do Not Resuscitate".

Now, he clearly isn't in any fit mental condition to have consented to that,

his family certainly didn't consent to that,

so can you explain that? Can you?

Yes...

I can...

These aren't his notes.

-What?

-It's the Christmas shift, all the nurses are agency temps,

y'know, lovely girls, but barely any English.

If you want to make an official complaint, I can page the administrator.

No, no, it's OK.

I'll find his proper notes now.

Right... How's he doing?

It's just that we're supposed to go away, for a week, today,

-and my wife, his daughter, is a bit worried about whether we should go away.

-Oh, I see.

Well, erm, it's a persistent infection,

but you know, he's certainly not in any danger.

Right.

-Although that could change.

-Right.

You can never be totally certain.

You've put him in his own room, is there any significance in that?

No, that's just cos of the singing.

And sometimes they even have to saw a bit of the jaw off.

Ben! Sorry, has he been a bit...

He certainly has a lot of stories about his teeth.

-God, not the exploding abscess?

-Oh, yeah! Now that really was pus-y.

-Don't tell him!

-OK, you two... up you come.

-Can I come?

No! And no more dental stories.

So, what do you think's going to happen about North Korea?

So, what you're saying is that if we go away, he will probably be fine.

Probably, yes, but, as I said, I can't make any promises.

-But probably.

-Yes.

How probably? 95% probably?

-90? 85%?

-I really couldn't quantify it like...

-80?

-Look...

-If you were a betting woman.

Mr Brockman, this white coat doesn't give me magic powers.

It's your call.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go and bollock the nursing staff about mixing up these notes.

Yeah, of course.

You don't happen to speak Malay, do you?

So if you're a proper dentist, how come you're working on Christmas Day?

Because I don't mind, I'm not a Christian.

I don't celebrate Christmas.

Well, we're not Christians,

but we still celebrate Christmas and Easter.

It would be silly to miss out on the holidays.

Well...

Can you feel that?

# Pop 'em on your platey

# They're Drings... #

Yeah, wise words - "Pop 'em on your platey".

Have you got a woman?

Um, actually yes, Grandad, I do have a girlfriend...

Oh, God.

Word of advice...don't get old.

It's a pain in the arse.

No... OK, I won't, Grandad.

Oh, look! There's the Queen, doing her Christmas thing.

No, Grandad, that's John Simpson.

Why's she wearing a flak jacket?

So, are you a proper dentist?

Yes, like lots of newly-qualified dentists, I currently provide cover for other dental practices.

Just to reassure you,

I came third in my year.

-Third?

-Yep.

Only third?

So, you busy this Christmas?

Not really. My wife died this year.

Oh.

So, do you get a bit lonely?

Well, a little, yes.

A boy in our class felt really lonely. Do you know what he did?

He posted a party at his house on Facebook,

and a thousand people turned up!

I'm not sure that would be right for me!

It wasn't right for him.

His mum is still making him pay for the carpet.

So, do you have your certificate?

-Are you on Facebook?

-No, no. Do you recommend that?

Depends.

If you like, I could ask all of my friends to be your friends?

Oh, thank you, that's very kind, but I think it would probably lead to a police investigation.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hiya.

We're running late, how about you? How's Dad?

He's, um, he's singing the theme from...

Bonanza!

Right, OK, and what does the doctor say?

Is it OK for us to leave him?

Erm...

Looking good, yeah, good.

It's upsetting when someone dies.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

My stick insect died, and I used to talk to it even though it wasn't there.

Oh, that's funny, because I do that with my wife.

Did you wish her a Merry Christmas this morning?

No, no, I didn't...

but you know, when I get home, I think I will.

Did you say Merry Christmas to your stick insect?

No, it's a stick insect.

And it died ages ago.

I don't think much about it any more.

No, no. I don't suppose so.

I suppose things get less painful with time.

Not verucas.

Verucas? Ben, I'm sorry, has he been...

No, no. He's been fine. In fact, he's been great.

Oh, right!

I was very nervous, but he's completely taken my mind off it.

I'm ready to face the dentist now.

I wouldn't. He's not very good. He only gets to work at Christmas.

Actually, look, Frank, we don't want to wear you out, so we...

we're going to head off now.

Oh, oh, don't go, please.

Well, it's just that...

Oh, oh, no, please. This place is so quiet.

# Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

# A kiddley divey...# Come on!

# Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

# A kiddley divey to Wouldn't you... #

We are really behind schedule now.

Yeah, but Grandad did enjoy his sing-along.

I know, but we should never have let him start on Ten Green Bottles.

I knew he'd keep on forgetting how many bottles were still on the wall.

We must have sung 30 verses.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

What do I tell your mum when she asks about that hospital?

Do I tell her about "Do Not Resuscitate", and the wrong notes, and the...

Mum doesn't need to know any of that.

She'll just worry and probably cancel the holiday. And she needs a break.

Yeah...

And WE need a break... from Mum needing a break.

Hiya! I'm a bit early.

Sorry, Jane, we're a bit behind. You been here long?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks for this, Pete.

Christmas at my place, with Alexa at her Dad's, would have been a bit, you know.

Well, it's good to have someone looking after the house.

Sue's done a list of useful numbers, our contact address,

electricians, Dave the plumber, in case you need them.

-I should be all right. I think I've learnt my lesson now.

-Sorry?

I left the bath running at my last place.

Twice in three weeks. How daffy am I?

Brought down the whole kitchen ceiling.

The bath came right through...took out the oven! Bang! Total carnage.

Did Sue not mention it?

No, no, she didn't.

Erm, if a fuse goes, the box is in here.

I'm no good with electrics, I'll let Jason deal with that.

Jason?

Yes, we're back together again. How brilliant is that?

Very brilliant. So, would... would Jason be staying here?

Yeah!

That's not a problem, is it?

The thing is, Jane, I'm just not sure that

I am totally comfortable...

with someone staying here...

who has a...

Who has a what?

Ben, you cannot take your metal detector on the plane.

But it could help us look for the bombs!

Right, both upstairs, check your backpacks.

Hi, Jane! Merry Christmas!

I'm sorry we're a bit...

Is there a problem?

I was just explaining to Jane that we wouldn't be totally comfortable

with Jason,

staying here, with her.

Jason?

Sorry. Am I being really thick? Why would you feel uncomfortable?

Well, y'know, on account of his, erm...

..having done time in prison.

What?

Right, well, that answers that one.

I'm sorry, Jane, we weren't sure if you knew, but...

(It's me.)

Why can I only pick crap men?

Why don't I just go the whole hog

and start dating Tiger Woods, Berlusconi and Charlie Sheen?

(It's me, isn't it?)

I'm the problem, aren't I?

Well...

No!

Of course you're not! You're just... Karen, please don't film this...

you're just unlucky.

And it's not your fault.

He-he could be a reformed...

criminal. He could've turned over a whole new leaf.

Then why didn't he tell me?

You go. Go on.

You'll miss your plane.

Look, why don't you make yourself comfortable in the living room?

Yeah... All right.

-OK, we're really late now.

-We've got to shift.

-What's for lunch?

-Lunch? Oh, my God.

Look, we're going to have to eat lunch in the car.

You fill this bag up with some food and, er, we better go and load the car up.

So, Dad wasn't too bad?

-No, he's, he's...good.

-And what about the hospital?

-Cos I've heard horror stories about that place.

-Well, it was...

-It was what?

-Fine. It was fine, Mum, y'know. It was very clean, and...

jolly, and...he's got his own room.

With a telly.

With monkeys on it.

It's, er... it's nice.

You're putting on a front, aren't you?

-No. No!

-No!

We wouldn't put on a...

-We're not.

-..front.

Maybe we shouldn't go away.

Especially if I'm going to worry all week that we shouldn't have gone.

But then we'll lose the money. Oh, I don't know! Should we go?!

Sue, it's your call. Only you can decide.

I don't WANT to decide!

Just once, I want someone to decide FOR me!

Well, then I say we go.

So is that a decision?

Well, seems like it.

-Come on then, people, let's go!

-All right, I'll get the paperwork.

He-llo?

-Hello.

-Oh, hi, I'm Jason.

Oh, er, hello.

Is Jane here?

Yeah. She's, erm, she's in there.

Crying.

Hey...what's the matter, babe?

-Oh, don't you "babe" me! You liar!

-Here we go.

Travel insurance, travel insurance. Well, it was here...

Prison?! What do you mean, prison?! >

Oh, you're trying to deny it now. >

Do you think we should...?

No, everybody just... let them sort it out.

-Is he staying here, then?

-No... Actually, Jesus, I don't know that.

What if she still wants him to stay here?

What do we do then?

We can't let him...can he stay? We can't let him stay here!

And I hate you, you bitch! >

DOOR SLAMS

I don't think he's staying.

Are you all right, Jane?

Yeah... Yeah, I'm fine.

-Do you want a cup of tea, or...

-No, thanks.

I'm sorry we had to...

No, it's fine. You head off, you'll be late.

OK, thanks.

Pete, have you packed the suncream?

Would you like some advice?

Not really, Karen, thanks.

Next time you get a boyfriend,

get him to fill out a questionnaire.

A questionnaire?

Yeah, like...

"Have you been to prison? Do you have any diseases? Are you a good kisser?" That kind of thing.

-Karen, this really isn't the right time...

-Like, do you have any money?

Where do you keep it?

OK, stuff for the plane...

-Travel sickness pills for Karen. Cough mixture for Ben.

-Has he got a cough?

No. It's the drowsy one.

Imodium...

Do you have a hairy back, do you have a hairy front?

Is there any madness in your family?

Come on, kids. Wagons roll!

Passports, money, look at this...

it's an e-ticket.

That's not a proper ticket, is it? It's just another piece of paper with words on, like any other...

Hang on, that's the electricity bill. Jesus, where have I put the...

I put the tickets in here, Jesus!

-Here.

-Oh, thank...

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, don't answer that, we've got to get a shift on.

All right, it's just Maggie. Hi, Maggie.

You rang me?

Oh, no, it's fine.

We just erm, we just had a bit of a situation, and I just needed some information

about Jane's boyfriend and his prison sentence

-but it's fine, because it looks like Jason's history.

-You mean Jeremy.

Sorry?

You mean Jeremy, her last boyfriend, he's the one who went to prison.

Nasty piece of work, not like Jason,

'he seems a bit of a sweetie, have you met him?

'Sue?

'Sue, you still there. Sue?'

I've got the wrong boyfriend.

Jason didn't go to prison.

Oh, for God's sake!

(What have we done?)

"We"? It... You were the one who got it wrong!

You're the one who dived in!

I did not dive in!

You unilaterally decided to broach it with her!

Based on information provided by you.

Yes, but it was a very noisy station. That announcer at Earls Court shouts down the...

Sue, there are some things that you can't blame on London Transport, it's...

Excuse me. Are we going or not? It's chaos in the car.

Ben just grabbed Karen's camera and shoved it down his pants and Karen punched him.

OK, we'll be out in a minute.

Well, you've got to tell her.

Yeah, absolutely, you're right.

Although it's going to be one hell of a difficult conversation.

Yes.

Probably quite a long one.

Yeah.

-I'll ring her from the car.

-I think that would probably be kinder.

-Bye, Jane!

-Bye, Jane!

Bye...

No, Karen, I don't want to see the footage Ben took inside his pants.

Why did you come this way?

Because it's a short cut.

Well, clearly not. We should be checking in now!

CAR HORNS BEEP

How can there be a traffic jam on Christmas frigging Day?!

I mean, who ARE all these people?

Why are they all moving around pointlessly?

They should be at home, gorging on brazil nuts, or...

listening to the Queen wittering on about what a brilliant year she's had spending our taxes.

Sue, you're going to have to call her.

-Call who?

-I'll call her from the airport.

-You can't keep putting it off, call her now.

-Call who?

Jane, I'm calling Jane, Karen.

There's been a bit of a misunderstanding.

-I'm hungry.

-Ben's made sandwiches.

Er, OK, I could do you a treacle and mayonnaise sandwich

or a chocolate and Stilton bap.

One of each.

Oh, hi, Jane...

Yeah, yeah, we're fine, we're just stuck in a bit of traffic...

Yeah.

Listen, Jane,

I think that there may have been a bit of a crossed wire earlier,

because when we were talking about Jason having been to prison for the...

Yeah...

Erm, well...as luck would have it,

that turns out not to be the case.

Yeah, it's not true!

No, I'm really sorry, but I think that we...

Well, you're upset, and that's understandable...

and I'm upset, and Pete's upset as well, we're both very upset...

No, obviously, we're not as upset as you are, that...

that would be...hard.

I'm just going to see what the hold-up is.

Well, I think likening us to Hitler is a little harsh.

< Oh, come on. Move it!

MEN SHOUT

Move it!

< I'll rip your head off and stick it up your arse!

You see, I thought Maggie said JASON had gone to prison for theft

but, in actual fact, she was talking about JEREMY, your last boyfriend.

Oh, you didn't know that.

Right.

Well, yes, yes,

that probably does explain about your jewellery.

Anyway,

the good news is your current boyfriend hasn't been to prison.

Yes, I am trying to make you feel better...

OK, yes, I'll stop.

What's happening?

Just two Father Christmases trying to beat the crap out of each other.

So, er, how did Jane take it?

Not very well.

One of us needs to call Jason.

-Well, I'm driving.

-No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Look, it's moving!

Well, once again, all I can say is I'm very, very...

How did Jason take it?

I think we're going to need a lawyer.

-Why, is he getting a lawyer?

-He is a lawyer.

Oh, for f...

Dad nearly said the F word, everybody!

Still...we've made it in time, see!

Against all the odds. Tenerife, here we come!

-Yes, at last!

-Finally!

Oh, at last! I feel sick...

Spectacular night.

Who gives a toss?

You embarrassed me at the airport... all those swears.

Well, Daddy was just upset.

I mean, we so nearly got to the airport on time.

It was just a bit of bad luck.

Cows in the Heathrow tunnel. Can someone tell me how that happened?

Well, I'm disappointed as well. It took me three days to book those tickets online.

Is Jane still here?

The car's here.

Still, at least she hasn't torched the house.

Oh, is that Jason at the window?

Oh, God, no.

Well, we've got to face them some time.

Yeah, I know.

OK, kids, you may want to put your iPods back on.

-There's going to be a lot of shouting.

-Yep.

Still, look on the bright side,

at least I don't have to worry about being so far away from Dad.

Yeah.

In fact, I think I'll just...

go and wish him Merry Christmas.

-Me too!

-And me!

Where are you...?

Come on, you're just putting off the...

Oh, sod it.

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

-# And smile, smile, smile

-Way!

-# While you've a Lucifer to light your fag... #

-Where am I going...?

# Smile, boys, that's the style

# La la la la la-la... #

Ben...stop it! # What's the use of worrying?

# It never was worthwhile

# So!

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

# And smile, smile, smile! #

Oh, what's going on?

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