Christmas Special 2011 Outnumbered


Christmas Special 2011

Christmas edition of the family-based comedy. The Brockmans want to go away for Christmas, but they wonder whether they can go with Grandad in hospital.


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Transcript


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Ben, stop unwrapping, you've unwrapped plenty of presents.

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-You can't unwrap that.

-Why not?

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Because that present's for me.

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Yeah, but mum let me unwrap her chocolates.

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I know... actually, where are they?

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I dunno.

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OK, 8.30, that's Christmas over...

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-What?!

-What, you can't do that!

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-It's Christmas, I want to shoot people with my new gun.

-Going away on Christmas isn't Christmassy.

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Constantly saying "Have you kept the receipt?" isn't very Christmassy either.

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This is the schedule, and if we stick to this,

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we'll be at the airport the ridiculously three hours early they decree.

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-Why can't we spend Christmas at home?

-Because we agreed, Karen.

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We would spend our premium bond win on a week in the sun.

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I didn't. I wanted to spend it on 32 micro pigs.

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Ben, we've talked about this - we really need a break.

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OK, Christmas needs to be cleared up in 15 minutes...max!

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As I think is clear.

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What?

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No, no, we all need a break.

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It's been a very stressful few months, what with, you know,

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your sister and your dad, and your job thing

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and the bedding infestation,

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and Karen's silly letter and the social services over-reacting.

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Do I have time to try out my metal detector? I might be able to find my home-made flame-thrower.

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I never knew what happened to that.

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I think you'll find it melted in the shed fire. Stop doing that.

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Jake! Jake, you haven't moved since I said to everybody to help clear up.

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In fact, you haven't spoken since seven o'clock.

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Karen! Don't get distracted.

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You need to decide which new book to take with you.

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Oh, look, there you go The Dangerous Book For Boys.

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Nah, someone should take this guy to court. I had a look at Ibrahim's, it's not dangerous at all.

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-It's got dangerous stuff...

-Like, how to behave in front of girls. What's dangerous about that?

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-That's just like a PSHE lesson.

-Right.

-And look this. First aid.

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That's not dangerous, that's the opposite of dangerous!

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-That's so you can know how...

-There's nothing about

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running through an alligator pen with steak down your trousers.

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-Well, that's...

-There's nothing about firework shoes in here.

-Firework shoes?

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SWITCHES SHAVER ON

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Look at this stuff. I mean, grinding an italic nib...

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what's dangerous about that?!

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-OK, that's not dangerous...

-If it was dangerous it would say "lion taming",

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not "grinding an italic nib". Who chose me this?

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It was from me. I'm sorry it doesn't have a section on how to bake an anthrax cookie or something, but...

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-It's not dangerous.

-It's going to be very dangerous if you get behind your mum's schedule. Go!

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Karen! Can you come down, please?

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Jake! Move!

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Why the hell are we flying on Christmas Day?

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-It was the only flight available.

-They're available cos no normal person wants to fly

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on Christmas Day.

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Ignore him, he's got a hangover.

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-Yep, three years before it's legal for him to drink.

-What is this obsession with not breaking the law?

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What time are you vi...

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Ben!

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What time are you visiting your Dad?

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40 minutes.

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Do you think we should be going on holiday, with him in hospital?

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Look, they said it's just a minor kidney infection.

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-the only reason they've checked him into this hospital is to keep an eye on him.

-I know, it's just...

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well, we were on holiday when Mum died.

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But that was out of the blue.

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-We tried to get a flight back home.

-Oh, I really lost it at the airport, didn't I?

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That wasn't your fault. You're probably off that blacklist by now.

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So we can't go back to Egypt, who cares?

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Oh, I dunno what to do, it's-it's just...

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If you've having doubts about it, Mum, then maybe...

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WHAT'S THAT, JAKE?

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-You're really loving this, aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

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Because a hangover is nature's way of deterring binge drinking...

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still, at least you weren't sick.

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Were you sick?

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Only outside.

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Where outside?

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-It was in a bin.

-You'll have to clear that up.

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Not our dustbin. Next door's.

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Not the Pattersons'?

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Ohh. I suppose we'll have to tell them.

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But then again, they don't know it was him. And we are leaving the country.

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It's not so bad this time of year. It'll freeze.

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What were you drinking, anyway?

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Brandy is the worst for hangovers.

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What?

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Well, Maisie had some at Tanya's sleepover.

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What? Where did she get it?

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Tanya's mum's glass, when she fell asleep in the living room.

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Tanya says that she often sleeps on the living room floor,

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because it's good for her back, but we put out her cigarette for her.

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Was her Dad there?

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No. But he rang up to tell Tanya that he loved her

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and then she put him on speakerphone and he started crying,

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all gulpy, like...

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SHE MIMICS SOBBING

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-Ow!

-Is that tooth playing up again?

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No, it's fine.

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-There's one thing on this schedule.

-Ben!

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"1.45 - hand house keys over to Jane". What do we do when she's late?

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It'll be fine. I told her 12.30.

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Don't make that face, you agreed it made sense to have a house-sitter.

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Remember when we came back from Cornwall and there was a dead squirrel in the extractor fan?

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-It was a terrible mess.

-Well, it was when we turned it on.

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It's just that Jane is so...flaky.

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She can't be TOTALLY flaky. I mean, she's assistant manager of something

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-at that bank that she works for.

-Sue, it's the Bank of Ireland.

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Well, I'm sure the euro would have collapsed without her!

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-Are you taking any of the kids to see your dad?

-Um...

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Not sure.

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Do you know, I think I might give this floor a quick mop.

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But you haven't got... Karen, can you stop filming us?

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Take all your presents upstairs, and don't forget the socks Auntie Penny gave you.

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Why send me socks when I don't even like socks?

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She doesn't know about your deep hatred of knitted footwear.

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-Someone should tell her.

-Well, that'd be unkind.

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Well, you're unkind!

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You make me send lots and lots of thank you cards, saying,

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"Dear Auntie Penny, I love your socks." When I don't.

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Poor Aunt Penny has to spend all year knitting socks

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and then they just end up as sleeping bags for hamsters.

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-Could you just...

-I don't want to go to the Canary Islands.

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Ben, stop doing that.

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Someone should tell her - it's simple. Chocolate or money.

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The Canaries sounds boring.

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Well, the one we're going to is basically a four-mile-high volcano sticking out of the sea.

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Will there be lava spewing from the top?

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Well, there could be.

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-If we're lucky, it could erupt while we're there!

-Fingers crossed.

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Shall I get in the car now?

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Not yet.

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It's like having a Labrador, isn't it?

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Come on, everyone! We're behind schedule already!

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Uh, I think I can see a hole at the back.

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We can't have her in agony all week.

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Go away. That's not helpful.

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There could be something metal stuck in there.

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-Might be something metal stuck in you if you...

-I think I've found a Roman spear in the garden.

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It's a round metal pole and it's really long and I can't find the ends.

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How are we going to find a dentist on Christmas Day?

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I don't NEED a dentist!

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I'll have a look. There must be emergency dentists

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for all those seasonal walnut shell and toffee-related inj...

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Oh, my God, it's the mains water pipe. Ben! Stop!

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What's going on?

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Ben's attacking the mains water pipe with a pickaxe.

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Oh. Can't find the Alka-Seltzer.

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No more digging up the garden, OK?

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Go and read a book, or... meditate, or something.

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Right... Emergency dentists.

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So you've mopped the floor, cleaned out the fridge

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and scrubbed the oven, all on Christmas Day...

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-Yeah, I don't want to come back to it.

-..when you have a tight schedule...

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Yep, it'll be fine.

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..that says you should be visiting your dad...well, right now.

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-I'll go when I've finished this.

-Would you like me to go?

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Yes, would you?

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I know I must seem horrible, but...

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-Is it because of what happened on Tuesday?

-Yeah.

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He thought I was the lady who brings round the magazines.

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"I don't suppose you've got a copy of Health And Efficiency?" he said.

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That's the first time he hasn't recognised me.

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But in the end, he did recognise you.

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Yeah, once I told him... I was me, he was fine, mostly.

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Ben, what are you doing?

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Me and Ibrahim have decided to become celebrities.

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And I'm practising to break the Guinness World Record

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of the record of the most carrots chopped up in one minute.

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You might break the record for most fingers chopped off in 30 seconds.

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Put that down!

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Did you know Prenamya Menaria of India has got 25 fingers and toes,

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so if there was a finger and toe chopping-off competition, he'd win.

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What did people do, like, people with extra fingers and toes,

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what did they do before the Guinness World Records book came out?

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They got burnt.

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PHONE BEEPS

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Might be the hospital.

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No, Jane. "Back with Jason. Best Christmas pressie ever."

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Which boyfriend's Jason? Is he the bi-polar physicist,

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the 19-year-old tattoo artist,

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or the married Serbian war criminal?

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He wasn't a war criminal. The European Court Of Justice made a mistake.

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-So which one's Jason?

-He's the one who actually HAS been to prison.

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Maggie told me.

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Theft or fraud or something. Don't know if Jane knows.

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Her love life, it's like one long identity parade.

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Hang on, what if he comes to visit when she's staying?

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-Well...

-Was it theft or fraud? We need to know whether to hide your jewellery or the bank statements.

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I'm not too sure. Maggie told me on the tube, it was chaos.

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But if it's bothering you, I can give her a ring.

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This one is so doable.

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Eight snails stuck to the face for ten seconds...

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-I can stick lettuce up my nose.

-This isn't the route to celebrity.

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No-one has ever heard of the man who lifted 160 pounds with his ears.

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What? You mean Zafar Gill of Pakistan?

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No-one apart from 11-year-old boys and men who still live with their mothers.

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Done it, booked a dental appointment online, on the computer, without the aid of a child.

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Mind, it is in 20 minutes, so we'll have to motor.

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If I trained up my burping muscles,

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I could do the world's loudest burp and I could go on Britain's Got Talent.

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-Why do you want to be famous, just for the sake of it?

-Because you can do cool stuff, like...

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go to the front of queues, or meet Katy Perry, or...

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-Where have you...?

-Or have Hooker Nights of Shame,

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-which sound fun. Not sure what they are.

-Hooker nights...?

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And go to the Priory Hotel. It must be really good, all the celebs go there...

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-Shall I tell you what a celebrity's life is really like?

-Play football in Wembley even if you're crap.

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-You get famous, you lose all your friends...

-You always have TV crews following you around.

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So, if you lose your PE kit then you can just look at the telly and see where you left it.

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-Karen! Get your shoes on!

-You become an alcoholic,

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you get caught on camera punching an amputee,

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and have to revive your career going on I'm A Celebrity and eating 17 kangaroo testicles.

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Does that sound like fun to you?

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Well...yeah.

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-Hi there.

-I'm here to see the drilling.

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Right.

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Oh, Hi. We've got an appointment for my daughter, Karen Brockman.

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Ah, excellent. Hello, sweetie. What's your name?

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Well, it's Karen Brockman. We've got an appointment at 10.15.

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-It's just we're a bit up against it, we've got to be at the airport.

-Oh, are you going anywhere nice?

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-Well, the Canaries, but like I say we are in a bit of a rush.

-Well, we just need to do some paperwork.

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The dentist hit one of my nerves once with an injection and it was so cool, I couldn't feel my nose.

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-Ben, there's a waiting room through there.

-But I can watch the drilling, can't I?

-No.

-Ohh!

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So, can we, can we...?

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Just a sec.

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Where do you put the money in this thing?

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Karen Brockman, wasn't it?

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-Mm-hm.

-C...A...

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No, it's K, A.

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K... A...

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R... E...N...

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Now, remember, however Grandad seems, don't look worried.

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What, like that?

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It'll be fine, Dad.

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Merry Christmas, Grandad!

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Hi, Frank.

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Hey!

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# Here we are again

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# Happy as can be

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# All good pals and jolly good company. #

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How...

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# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain... #

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Oh look, monkeys.

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I love monkeys, especially when they're drinking tea.

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Right, so, are they treating you well in here?

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What, this place? Oh, yeah. It's lovely, this place...

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Actually, what is this place?

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Four... T... S... Is that 4TS?

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Or 40...S?

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4TS.

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Like a postcode.

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Oh, right... 4TS.

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"Nature of emergency".

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I think I'm going to put down "toothache".

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T, double O...

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No, no, I'm fine with that one, thank you.

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Are you here about your teeth?

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Er, yes...

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You look nervous. Are you nervous?

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I do get a bit nervous in dentists.

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You should ask the dentist to give you gas. Gas is brilliant!

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Once I had tooth that had, like, impacted into my jaw,

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the dentist gave me gas, and I woke up and...it was weird.

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I couldn't, like, feel anything

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and the dentist had these huge pliers on my teeth,

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and he had his foot stuck right on my chest and his face was red.

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And he was, like, trying to rip the tooth out, and he screamed,

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"Get out of there, you B-A-S-T-A-R-D!" and other swears.

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But it was brilliant, because I could watch all of this and I couldn't feel a thing.

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And then later, after it was finished,

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I had this huge foot-shape bruise right on my chest.

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So, what are you here for?

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I...have a tooth impacted in my jaw.

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Oh.

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Sue sends her love.

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Eh?

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Sue...

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sends her love.

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Oh...nice.

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She'd be here herself, but she had to take Karen to the dentist.

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# You'll wonder where the yellow went

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# When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

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# Pa Pa Pepsodent

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# Pa Pa Pepsodent. #

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Jake, why don't you give Grandad his present?

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I'm just going to have a quick word with one of the doctors.

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OK... Here it is, Grandad.

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Oh, lovely.

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Is it kippers?

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Well, is it kippers?

0:16:030:16:05

No, Grandad, it's not kippers.

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Shame.

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Excuse me.

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Excuse me?

0:16:150:16:16

Excuse me.

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Excuse me?

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Oh, hello there. Can I help?

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I'm Mr Morrison's son-in-law... Room 17.

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Oh, yes... Is there a problem?

0:16:290:16:31

Yes, there is, actually.

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This says "Do Not Resuscitate".

0:16:330:16:35

Now, he clearly isn't in any fit mental condition to have consented to that,

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his family certainly didn't consent to that,

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so can you explain that? Can you?

0:16:430:16:45

Yes...

0:16:470:16:48

I can...

0:16:480:16:49

These aren't his notes.

0:16:510:16:53

-What?

-It's the Christmas shift, all the nurses are agency temps,

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y'know, lovely girls, but barely any English.

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If you want to make an official complaint, I can page the administrator.

0:17:020:17:06

No, no, it's OK.

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I'll find his proper notes now.

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Right... How's he doing?

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It's just that we're supposed to go away, for a week, today,

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-and my wife, his daughter, is a bit worried about whether we should go away.

-Oh, I see.

0:17:180:17:23

Well, erm, it's a persistent infection,

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but you know, he's certainly not in any danger.

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Right.

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-Although that could change.

-Right.

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You can never be totally certain.

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You've put him in his own room, is there any significance in that?

0:17:340:17:37

No, that's just cos of the singing.

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And sometimes they even have to saw a bit of the jaw off.

0:17:400:17:43

Ben! Sorry, has he been a bit...

0:17:430:17:45

He certainly has a lot of stories about his teeth.

0:17:450:17:49

-God, not the exploding abscess?

-Oh, yeah! Now that really was pus-y.

0:17:490:17:53

-Don't tell him!

-OK, you two... up you come.

-Can I come?

0:17:530:17:56

No! And no more dental stories.

0:17:560:17:58

So, what do you think's going to happen about North Korea?

0:18:030:18:07

So, what you're saying is that if we go away, he will probably be fine.

0:18:070:18:11

Probably, yes, but, as I said, I can't make any promises.

0:18:110:18:15

-But probably.

-Yes.

0:18:150:18:16

How probably? 95% probably?

0:18:160:18:19

-90? 85%?

-I really couldn't quantify it like...

-80?

0:18:190:18:23

-Look...

-If you were a betting woman.

0:18:230:18:25

Mr Brockman, this white coat doesn't give me magic powers.

0:18:250:18:29

It's your call.

0:18:290:18:30

Now, if you'll excuse me,

0:18:300:18:32

I have to go and bollock the nursing staff about mixing up these notes.

0:18:320:18:35

Yeah, of course.

0:18:350:18:37

You don't happen to speak Malay, do you?

0:18:390:18:42

So if you're a proper dentist, how come you're working on Christmas Day?

0:18:420:18:46

Because I don't mind, I'm not a Christian.

0:18:460:18:50

I don't celebrate Christmas.

0:18:500:18:51

Well, we're not Christians,

0:18:510:18:53

but we still celebrate Christmas and Easter.

0:18:530:18:56

It would be silly to miss out on the holidays.

0:18:560:18:58

Well...

0:18:580:19:00

Can you feel that?

0:19:010:19:02

# Pop 'em on your platey

0:19:020:19:04

# They're Drings... #

0:19:040:19:06

Yeah, wise words - "Pop 'em on your platey".

0:19:060:19:10

Have you got a woman?

0:19:100:19:11

Um, actually yes, Grandad, I do have a girlfriend...

0:19:120:19:16

Oh, God.

0:19:160:19:17

Word of advice...don't get old.

0:19:220:19:24

It's a pain in the arse.

0:19:240:19:26

No... OK, I won't, Grandad.

0:19:280:19:31

Oh, look! There's the Queen, doing her Christmas thing.

0:19:310:19:34

No, Grandad, that's John Simpson.

0:19:350:19:37

Why's she wearing a flak jacket?

0:19:370:19:39

So, are you a proper dentist?

0:19:400:19:43

Yes, like lots of newly-qualified dentists, I currently provide cover for other dental practices.

0:19:430:19:48

Just to reassure you,

0:19:480:19:51

I came third in my year.

0:19:510:19:54

-Third?

-Yep.

0:19:540:19:56

Only third?

0:19:560:19:58

So, you busy this Christmas?

0:20:000:20:04

Not really. My wife died this year.

0:20:040:20:06

Oh.

0:20:060:20:07

So, do you get a bit lonely?

0:20:080:20:10

Well, a little, yes.

0:20:110:20:13

A boy in our class felt really lonely. Do you know what he did?

0:20:130:20:17

He posted a party at his house on Facebook,

0:20:170:20:20

and a thousand people turned up!

0:20:200:20:22

I'm not sure that would be right for me!

0:20:220:20:24

It wasn't right for him.

0:20:240:20:26

His mum is still making him pay for the carpet.

0:20:260:20:28

So, do you have your certificate?

0:20:280:20:30

-Are you on Facebook?

-No, no. Do you recommend that?

0:20:340:20:37

Depends.

0:20:370:20:38

If you like, I could ask all of my friends to be your friends?

0:20:400:20:43

Oh, thank you, that's very kind, but I think it would probably lead to a police investigation.

0:20:430:20:48

-PHONE RINGS

-Hiya.

0:20:490:20:51

We're running late, how about you? How's Dad?

0:20:510:20:54

He's, um, he's singing the theme from...

0:20:540:20:58

Bonanza!

0:20:580:21:00

Right, OK, and what does the doctor say?

0:21:000:21:02

Is it OK for us to leave him?

0:21:020:21:03

Erm...

0:21:030:21:05

Looking good, yeah, good.

0:21:060:21:10

It's upsetting when someone dies.

0:21:120:21:14

Yes.

0:21:140:21:15

Yes, it is.

0:21:150:21:17

My stick insect died, and I used to talk to it even though it wasn't there.

0:21:170:21:22

Oh, that's funny, because I do that with my wife.

0:21:220:21:25

Did you wish her a Merry Christmas this morning?

0:21:250:21:28

No, no, I didn't...

0:21:280:21:30

but you know, when I get home, I think I will.

0:21:300:21:34

Did you say Merry Christmas to your stick insect?

0:21:340:21:36

No, it's a stick insect.

0:21:360:21:38

And it died ages ago.

0:21:380:21:40

I don't think much about it any more.

0:21:400:21:42

No, no. I don't suppose so.

0:21:420:21:44

I suppose things get less painful with time.

0:21:440:21:47

Not verucas.

0:21:490:21:51

Verucas? Ben, I'm sorry, has he been...

0:21:510:21:54

No, no. He's been fine. In fact, he's been great.

0:21:540:21:56

Oh, right!

0:21:560:21:58

I was very nervous, but he's completely taken my mind off it.

0:21:580:22:02

I'm ready to face the dentist now.

0:22:020:22:04

I wouldn't. He's not very good. He only gets to work at Christmas.

0:22:040:22:07

Actually, look, Frank, we don't want to wear you out, so we...

0:22:130:22:17

we're going to head off now.

0:22:170:22:19

Oh, oh, don't go, please.

0:22:190:22:20

Well, it's just that...

0:22:200:22:22

Oh, oh, no, please. This place is so quiet.

0:22:220:22:25

# Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

0:22:320:22:36

# A kiddley divey...# Come on!

0:22:360:22:39

# Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

0:22:390:22:43

# A kiddley divey to Wouldn't you... #

0:22:430:22:47

We are really behind schedule now.

0:22:470:22:50

Yeah, but Grandad did enjoy his sing-along.

0:22:500:22:54

I know, but we should never have let him start on Ten Green Bottles.

0:22:540:22:57

I knew he'd keep on forgetting how many bottles were still on the wall.

0:22:570:23:01

We must have sung 30 verses.

0:23:010:23:04

Oh, Jesus.

0:23:040:23:06

What?

0:23:060:23:07

What do I tell your mum when she asks about that hospital?

0:23:090:23:12

Do I tell her about "Do Not Resuscitate", and the wrong notes, and the...

0:23:140:23:19

Mum doesn't need to know any of that.

0:23:190:23:21

She'll just worry and probably cancel the holiday. And she needs a break.

0:23:210:23:24

Yeah...

0:23:240:23:26

And WE need a break... from Mum needing a break.

0:23:260:23:28

Hiya! I'm a bit early.

0:23:280:23:31

Sorry, Jane, we're a bit behind. You been here long?

0:23:310:23:34

Merry Christmas.

0:23:340:23:35

Merry Christmas.

0:23:350:23:36

Thanks for this, Pete.

0:23:380:23:39

Christmas at my place, with Alexa at her Dad's, would have been a bit, you know.

0:23:410:23:45

Well, it's good to have someone looking after the house.

0:23:450:23:47

Sue's done a list of useful numbers, our contact address,

0:23:470:23:51

electricians, Dave the plumber, in case you need them.

0:23:510:23:54

-I should be all right. I think I've learnt my lesson now.

-Sorry?

0:23:540:23:58

I left the bath running at my last place.

0:23:580:24:01

Twice in three weeks. How daffy am I?

0:24:010:24:04

Brought down the whole kitchen ceiling.

0:24:040:24:07

The bath came right through...took out the oven! Bang! Total carnage.

0:24:070:24:11

Did Sue not mention it?

0:24:110:24:12

No, no, she didn't.

0:24:140:24:16

Erm, if a fuse goes, the box is in here.

0:24:170:24:21

I'm no good with electrics, I'll let Jason deal with that.

0:24:210:24:25

Jason?

0:24:250:24:26

Yes, we're back together again. How brilliant is that?

0:24:260:24:30

Very brilliant. So, would... would Jason be staying here?

0:24:310:24:36

Yeah!

0:24:360:24:38

That's not a problem, is it?

0:24:390:24:40

The thing is, Jane, I'm just not sure that

0:24:420:24:45

I am totally comfortable...

0:24:450:24:49

with someone staying here...

0:24:490:24:52

who has a...

0:24:520:24:54

Who has a what?

0:24:540:24:55

Ben, you cannot take your metal detector on the plane.

0:24:580:25:01

But it could help us look for the bombs!

0:25:010:25:04

Right, both upstairs, check your backpacks.

0:25:040:25:07

Hi, Jane! Merry Christmas!

0:25:070:25:08

I'm sorry we're a bit...

0:25:100:25:12

Is there a problem?

0:25:120:25:13

I was just explaining to Jane that we wouldn't be totally comfortable

0:25:150:25:19

with Jason,

0:25:190:25:22

staying here, with her.

0:25:220:25:24

Jason?

0:25:240:25:25

Sorry. Am I being really thick? Why would you feel uncomfortable?

0:25:250:25:28

Well, y'know, on account of his, erm...

0:25:280:25:32

..having done time in prison.

0:25:330:25:35

What?

0:25:350:25:37

Right, well, that answers that one.

0:25:370:25:39

I'm sorry, Jane, we weren't sure if you knew, but...

0:25:390:25:43

(It's me.)

0:25:440:25:45

Why can I only pick crap men?

0:25:450:25:49

Why don't I just go the whole hog

0:25:490:25:51

and start dating Tiger Woods, Berlusconi and Charlie Sheen?

0:25:510:25:55

(It's me, isn't it?)

0:25:570:25:58

I'm the problem, aren't I?

0:25:590:26:02

Well...

0:26:020:26:03

No!

0:26:030:26:05

Of course you're not! You're just... Karen, please don't film this...

0:26:050:26:08

you're just unlucky.

0:26:080:26:12

And it's not your fault.

0:26:120:26:14

He-he could be a reformed...

0:26:140:26:16

criminal. He could've turned over a whole new leaf.

0:26:160:26:19

Then why didn't he tell me?

0:26:190:26:21

You go. Go on.

0:26:230:26:25

You'll miss your plane.

0:26:260:26:28

Look, why don't you make yourself comfortable in the living room?

0:26:280:26:32

Yeah... All right.

0:26:320:26:35

-OK, we're really late now.

-We've got to shift.

-What's for lunch?

-Lunch? Oh, my God.

0:26:420:26:47

Look, we're going to have to eat lunch in the car.

0:26:470:26:49

You fill this bag up with some food and, er, we better go and load the car up.

0:26:490:26:53

So, Dad wasn't too bad?

0:26:550:26:56

-No, he's, he's...good.

-And what about the hospital?

0:26:560:26:59

-Cos I've heard horror stories about that place.

-Well, it was...

0:26:590:27:03

-It was what?

-Fine. It was fine, Mum, y'know. It was very clean, and...

0:27:030:27:08

jolly, and...he's got his own room.

0:27:080:27:12

With a telly.

0:27:120:27:14

With monkeys on it.

0:27:140:27:16

It's, er... it's nice.

0:27:160:27:18

You're putting on a front, aren't you?

0:27:180:27:21

-No. No!

-No!

0:27:210:27:23

We wouldn't put on a...

0:27:230:27:25

-We're not.

-..front.

0:27:250:27:27

Maybe we shouldn't go away.

0:27:270:27:29

Especially if I'm going to worry all week that we shouldn't have gone.

0:27:290:27:33

But then we'll lose the money. Oh, I don't know! Should we go?!

0:27:330:27:36

Sue, it's your call. Only you can decide.

0:27:360:27:40

I don't WANT to decide!

0:27:400:27:41

Just once, I want someone to decide FOR me!

0:27:410:27:45

Well, then I say we go.

0:27:460:27:48

So is that a decision?

0:27:500:27:52

Well, seems like it.

0:27:520:27:53

-Come on then, people, let's go!

-All right, I'll get the paperwork.

0:27:530:27:57

He-llo?

0:28:020:28:03

-Hello.

-Oh, hi, I'm Jason.

0:28:050:28:07

Oh, er, hello.

0:28:080:28:11

Is Jane here?

0:28:110:28:12

Yeah. She's, erm, she's in there.

0:28:120:28:15

Crying.

0:28:150:28:17

Hey...what's the matter, babe?

0:28:210:28:23

-Oh, don't you "babe" me! You liar!

-Here we go.

0:28:230:28:25

Travel insurance, travel insurance. Well, it was here...

0:28:250:28:30

Prison?! What do you mean, prison?! >

0:28:300:28:32

Oh, you're trying to deny it now. >

0:28:320:28:35

Do you think we should...?

0:28:350:28:37

No, everybody just... let them sort it out.

0:28:370:28:41

-Is he staying here, then?

-No... Actually, Jesus, I don't know that.

0:28:410:28:46

What if she still wants him to stay here?

0:28:460:28:48

What do we do then?

0:28:480:28:50

We can't let him...can he stay? We can't let him stay here!

0:28:500:28:53

And I hate you, you bitch! >

0:28:530:28:54

DOOR SLAMS

0:28:540:28:56

I don't think he's staying.

0:28:580:29:00

Are you all right, Jane?

0:29:070:29:09

Yeah... Yeah, I'm fine.

0:29:090:29:13

-Do you want a cup of tea, or...

-No, thanks.

0:29:160:29:18

I'm sorry we had to...

0:29:220:29:24

No, it's fine. You head off, you'll be late.

0:29:240:29:28

OK, thanks.

0:29:300:29:32

Pete, have you packed the suncream?

0:29:330:29:36

Would you like some advice?

0:29:360:29:37

Not really, Karen, thanks.

0:29:390:29:41

Next time you get a boyfriend,

0:29:420:29:44

get him to fill out a questionnaire.

0:29:440:29:47

A questionnaire?

0:29:480:29:50

Yeah, like...

0:29:500:29:51

"Have you been to prison? Do you have any diseases? Are you a good kisser?" That kind of thing.

0:29:510:29:57

-Karen, this really isn't the right time...

-Like, do you have any money?

0:29:570:30:01

Where do you keep it?

0:30:010:30:03

OK, stuff for the plane...

0:30:030:30:04

-Travel sickness pills for Karen. Cough mixture for Ben.

-Has he got a cough?

0:30:040:30:09

No. It's the drowsy one.

0:30:090:30:12

Imodium...

0:30:120:30:13

Do you have a hairy back, do you have a hairy front?

0:30:130:30:16

Is there any madness in your family?

0:30:160:30:18

Come on, kids. Wagons roll!

0:30:180:30:20

Passports, money, look at this...

0:30:200:30:24

it's an e-ticket.

0:30:240:30:26

That's not a proper ticket, is it? It's just another piece of paper with words on, like any other...

0:30:260:30:31

Hang on, that's the electricity bill. Jesus, where have I put the...

0:30:310:30:34

I put the tickets in here, Jesus!

0:30:340:30:37

-Here.

-Oh, thank...

0:30:370:30:39

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, don't answer that, we've got to get a shift on.

0:30:390:30:42

All right, it's just Maggie. Hi, Maggie.

0:30:420:30:44

You rang me?

0:30:440:30:45

Oh, no, it's fine.

0:30:450:30:47

We just erm, we just had a bit of a situation, and I just needed some information

0:30:470:30:51

about Jane's boyfriend and his prison sentence

0:30:510:30:54

-but it's fine, because it looks like Jason's history.

-You mean Jeremy.

0:30:540:30:58

Sorry?

0:30:580:30:59

You mean Jeremy, her last boyfriend, he's the one who went to prison.

0:30:590:31:04

Nasty piece of work, not like Jason,

0:31:040:31:06

'he seems a bit of a sweetie, have you met him?

0:31:060:31:08

'Sue?

0:31:090:31:11

'Sue, you still there. Sue?'

0:31:110:31:14

I've got the wrong boyfriend.

0:31:180:31:20

Jason didn't go to prison.

0:31:220:31:24

Oh, for God's sake!

0:31:240:31:26

(What have we done?)

0:31:260:31:27

"We"? It... You were the one who got it wrong!

0:31:290:31:32

You're the one who dived in!

0:31:320:31:33

I did not dive in!

0:31:330:31:34

You unilaterally decided to broach it with her!

0:31:340:31:37

Based on information provided by you.

0:31:370:31:40

Yes, but it was a very noisy station. That announcer at Earls Court shouts down the...

0:31:400:31:44

Sue, there are some things that you can't blame on London Transport, it's...

0:31:440:31:49

Excuse me. Are we going or not? It's chaos in the car.

0:31:490:31:51

Ben just grabbed Karen's camera and shoved it down his pants and Karen punched him.

0:31:510:31:55

OK, we'll be out in a minute.

0:31:550:31:58

Well, you've got to tell her.

0:31:580:32:01

Yeah, absolutely, you're right.

0:32:020:32:04

Although it's going to be one hell of a difficult conversation.

0:32:040:32:10

Yes.

0:32:100:32:11

Probably quite a long one.

0:32:110:32:13

Yeah.

0:32:130:32:15

-I'll ring her from the car.

-I think that would probably be kinder.

-Bye, Jane!

-Bye, Jane!

0:32:170:32:22

Bye...

0:32:230:32:24

No, Karen, I don't want to see the footage Ben took inside his pants.

0:32:320:32:35

Why did you come this way?

0:32:350:32:37

Because it's a short cut.

0:32:370:32:39

Well, clearly not. We should be checking in now!

0:32:390:32:43

CAR HORNS BEEP

0:32:430:32:45

How can there be a traffic jam on Christmas frigging Day?!

0:32:450:32:51

I mean, who ARE all these people?

0:32:510:32:53

Why are they all moving around pointlessly?

0:32:530:32:56

They should be at home, gorging on brazil nuts, or...

0:32:560:33:00

listening to the Queen wittering on about what a brilliant year she's had spending our taxes.

0:33:000:33:05

Sue, you're going to have to call her.

0:33:050:33:08

-Call who?

-I'll call her from the airport.

0:33:080:33:11

-You can't keep putting it off, call her now.

-Call who?

0:33:110:33:14

Jane, I'm calling Jane, Karen.

0:33:140:33:17

There's been a bit of a misunderstanding.

0:33:170:33:20

-I'm hungry.

-Ben's made sandwiches.

0:33:200:33:22

Er, OK, I could do you a treacle and mayonnaise sandwich

0:33:240:33:29

or a chocolate and Stilton bap.

0:33:290:33:32

One of each.

0:33:320:33:33

Oh, hi, Jane...

0:33:330:33:35

Yeah, yeah, we're fine, we're just stuck in a bit of traffic...

0:33:350:33:40

Yeah.

0:33:400:33:41

Listen, Jane,

0:33:420:33:44

I think that there may have been a bit of a crossed wire earlier,

0:33:440:33:49

because when we were talking about Jason having been to prison for the...

0:33:490:33:53

Yeah...

0:33:540:33:55

Erm, well...as luck would have it,

0:33:550:33:59

that turns out not to be the case.

0:33:590:34:01

Yeah, it's not true!

0:34:030:34:05

No, I'm really sorry, but I think that we...

0:34:050:34:09

Well, you're upset, and that's understandable...

0:34:110:34:15

and I'm upset, and Pete's upset as well, we're both very upset...

0:34:150:34:19

No, obviously, we're not as upset as you are, that...

0:34:190:34:23

that would be...hard.

0:34:230:34:25

I'm just going to see what the hold-up is.

0:34:250:34:27

Well, I think likening us to Hitler is a little harsh.

0:34:300:34:35

< Oh, come on. Move it!

0:34:350:34:39

MEN SHOUT

0:34:390:34:41

Move it!

0:34:420:34:44

< I'll rip your head off and stick it up your arse!

0:34:520:34:56

You see, I thought Maggie said JASON had gone to prison for theft

0:34:590:35:05

but, in actual fact, she was talking about JEREMY, your last boyfriend.

0:35:050:35:10

Oh, you didn't know that.

0:35:120:35:15

Right.

0:35:150:35:17

Well, yes, yes,

0:35:170:35:19

that probably does explain about your jewellery.

0:35:190:35:22

Anyway,

0:35:220:35:23

the good news is your current boyfriend hasn't been to prison.

0:35:230:35:27

Yes, I am trying to make you feel better...

0:35:280:35:31

OK, yes, I'll stop.

0:35:310:35:33

What's happening?

0:35:350:35:37

Just two Father Christmases trying to beat the crap out of each other.

0:35:370:35:40

So, er, how did Jane take it?

0:35:400:35:44

Not very well.

0:35:440:35:45

One of us needs to call Jason.

0:35:450:35:48

-Well, I'm driving.

-No, you're not.

0:35:480:35:50

Yes, I am.

0:35:500:35:52

Look, it's moving!

0:35:520:35:54

Well, once again, all I can say is I'm very, very...

0:35:570:36:02

How did Jason take it?

0:36:060:36:08

I think we're going to need a lawyer.

0:36:080:36:10

-Why, is he getting a lawyer?

-He is a lawyer.

0:36:100:36:12

Oh, for f...

0:36:120:36:14

Dad nearly said the F word, everybody!

0:36:140:36:17

Still...we've made it in time, see!

0:36:170:36:20

Against all the odds. Tenerife, here we come!

0:36:200:36:24

-Yes, at last!

-Finally!

0:36:240:36:26

Oh, at last! I feel sick...

0:36:260:36:28

Spectacular night.

0:36:330:36:36

Who gives a toss?

0:36:360:36:37

You embarrassed me at the airport... all those swears.

0:36:370:36:40

Well, Daddy was just upset.

0:36:400:36:43

I mean, we so nearly got to the airport on time.

0:36:430:36:45

It was just a bit of bad luck.

0:36:450:36:47

Cows in the Heathrow tunnel. Can someone tell me how that happened?

0:36:470:36:51

Well, I'm disappointed as well. It took me three days to book those tickets online.

0:36:510:36:55

Is Jane still here?

0:36:550:36:57

The car's here.

0:36:570:36:59

Still, at least she hasn't torched the house.

0:36:590:37:01

Oh, is that Jason at the window?

0:37:010:37:03

Oh, God, no.

0:37:030:37:05

Well, we've got to face them some time.

0:37:050:37:08

Yeah, I know.

0:37:090:37:10

OK, kids, you may want to put your iPods back on.

0:37:150:37:18

-There's going to be a lot of shouting.

-Yep.

0:37:180:37:21

Still, look on the bright side,

0:37:210:37:23

at least I don't have to worry about being so far away from Dad.

0:37:230:37:26

Yeah.

0:37:260:37:28

In fact, I think I'll just...

0:37:280:37:30

go and wish him Merry Christmas.

0:37:300:37:32

-Me too!

-And me!

0:37:330:37:34

Where are you...?

0:37:340:37:35

Come on, you're just putting off the...

0:37:370:37:40

Oh, sod it.

0:37:410:37:43

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

0:37:470:37:51

-# And smile, smile, smile

-Way!

0:37:510:37:55

-# While you've a Lucifer to light your fag... #

-Where am I going...?

0:37:550:38:01

# Smile, boys, that's the style

0:38:010:38:04

# La la la la la-la... #

0:38:040:38:07

Ben...stop it! # What's the use of worrying?

0:38:070:38:10

# It never was worthwhile

0:38:100:38:14

# So!

0:38:140:38:15

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

0:38:150:38:20

# And smile, smile, smile! #

0:38:200:38:26

Oh, what's going on?

0:38:260:38:29

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:38:390:38:41

E-mail [email protected]

0:38:410:38:43

The family want to go away for Christmas, but can they go with Grandad in hospital? And should they go when Jane is their house-sitter? And was it really wise to give Ben a metal detector as a present?


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