Christmas Special 2009 Outnumbered

Ben! Karen! For the last time, they are not light-sabres, they are toilet brushes!

Put them back!

-DOOR CLOSES It's us.

-God Almighty.

They've 500 Christmas presents and they're...

Jake, are you all right? You look a bit...

-Yeah, I think you should sit down. He's gone into shock.

-Why, what happened?

Are the sales always like that?

-Oh, yeah.

-It's just like rugby but played by old ladies.

Oh, did you get that CD player?

Mum had the last one in her hand then some old bitch snatched it.

-Jake!

-Sorry, my fault... I shouldn't have called her that.

Er, Sue?

-What?

-It's 11 in the morning.

Oh, yeah... Ah, but it's Christmas, it's all right.

Mummy, I've made my New Year's resolutions.

-Oh, good.

-"I will not poke my fingers in the butter."

-I didn't know you did that...but good.

-"I will not chew my duvet."

-Excellent.

-"I will not call people idiots."

-Very good.

-"Mummy will stop nagging me."

Yeah that's... No, hang on, you can't make resolutions for other people.

"Mummy will stop giving me cabbage."

No, no, you make resolutions for yourself.

Dad? You know our burglars?

Well, I don't really think of them as "our" burglars...

-I'm surprised that they didn't take my lucky pig skull.

-Hm.

-Who wouldn't want that?

Yeah, I mean exactly, what were they thinking?

-Maybe they've already got one.

-I think it'd be worth £30,000 on eBay.

Most cars don't even cost that, do they?

Well, I only got £50 for our car on eBay.

Yeah, well we said we wouldn't talk about that, didn't we?

That man was very annoyed.

Karen, I will make New Year's resolutions but I will choose my own.

But your resolutions are rubbish. They're always stuff like,

"I will eat less biscuits so I get more thinner."

or "I will learn Italian." But what we really need is for you to stop nagging.

-Don't be so rude!

-See? Like then, you're nagging.

I do not nag. I...

You may learn Italian, but then you could just nag in Italian.

Can you stop banging on about me learning Italian? Anyway, how many resolutions have you got there?

-Er, 48.

-And how many are for you?

Some.

Three.

Idiots.

Ben can't understand why the burglars didn't take his piece of chewing gum

that was spat out by Cesc Fabregas.

I'm quite surprised they didn't take Jake's iPod, because it was just sitting here on the counter.

I think the mess may have worked in our favour there.

It's a bit odd that they took the CD player but no CDs.

Anyone who likes Phil Collins is going to be way too old and feeble to get over our gate.

There's Oasis...

-and Coldplay. That came out last year.

-You've no idea, do you?

-Well, anyway they could have taken the CDs and sold them.

-Yeah, like anyone BUYS CDs nowadays.

Well, some people do. Some people acquire their music legally.

Here we go.

That downloading you do, that is basically theft.

-Everyone else does it.

-Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it OK.

-I knew you were going to say that.

-All right. Look, I've downloaded the claim form online.

Amazingly, I found some receipts...

and our total loss is...

-£302.59

-Right...what's the excess?

It's going to be three hundred pounds, isn't it?

Er...yep.

Thank you, Father Christmas.

I can't get it out from behind the radiator.

Yeah, yeah... It's that yellow dinosaur Auntie Jean gave him.

-It's really stuck.

-I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment.

I think it's his arm that's stuck.

I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment.

-Ow... Can't get it out! Somebody, please! Ow.

-All right, all right...

You shouldn't be trying to rescue Ben's stupid dinosaur,

you should be trying to rescue Rusty.

He's not a toy, he's a living hamster.

Well, let's hope so...

Ben, look, if you got it in, you must be able to get it out.

-Just ease...ease it out.

-I was supposed to be looking after him.

-There!

He's the class hamster and I had a duty of care.

Yeah, well he's stuck under the floor. I'm not ripping up the floorboards.

I bet you'd rip the floorboards up if Ben was stuck under there.

Well...

-we did.

-But what if a puppy was trapped?

Well, then I might rip the floor up, yeah, but I'm not going to...

-Well, how about a porpoise?

-It's very unlikely...

-Yeah... but what if a porpoise was stuck?

OK, Karen. I promise that, if a porpoise is ever trapped under the floor, I will rescue it.

-I'm going to write that down.

-Car keys...car keys.

-No, this is my tent.

-I'd better be headed off to get Dad soon.

You've not forgotten Jane's coming at 1pm, have you?

I wish you'd mentioned it to me before you invited her for lunch, that's all.

Well, Little Alexa's spending Christmas with her dad, and so Jane's on her own...

and I don't think she's got any friends.

Yeah, well there's a reason for that.

-Oh, it'll be fine. It'll be good, it'll be like the Christmases

-I

-remember.

It'll be open house, people dropping in, lots of noise...

-Yeah, the noise of Jane moaning.

-Pete.

Well, I'm sorry, but you know she'll come round here and she will

bang on about her terrible life and her horrible ex-husband and...

What is it with you and Christmas? She's my friend. I want to...

Yeah, well it's bad enough having to see our families without seeing friends, as well.

Ben's not allowed in, he's not a proper asylum seeker.

And also, he's not wearing any pants under his trousers.

Ben, put some pants on!

What is it with adults and pants?

-So, how many Christmas presents broken now?

-Er...

six, by noon on Boxing Day. I think we've beaten last year's record.

So we're going to put in a claim for £2.59.

-Well, its not worth putting in, obviously...

-No...

Unless...

Unless?

Well, unless...

-Oh...unless...

-I mean there were loads of other items, y'know, in the past...

that we never claimed for.

There was that video camera that got reversed over.

And that ring of mine that got swallowed.

-Yeah, and we could have put in a claim for those and we didn't.

-I mean...

..if we were to...

add on...the occasional item...

-that would be OK, wouldn't it?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be fine.

-Two questions.

One -

if you didn't go to the toilet for years would you explode?

-Yes.

-And two - why do they call it Boxing Day?

-Because you end up knee-deep in boxes.

-Have you put your underpants on?

Couldn't find any. Maybe the robbers stole them.

Ben, the robbers did not steal your underpants.

Not even drug-addled morons would steal your underpants.

-The robbers could have had a baby.

-Ben...

-And they need to give something to their baby.

-They had your name in them.

They could name their baby after me, so it'd have the right name.

-So they named their baby after the name in your pants?

-Yeah!

-TOY BUZZES

-Just leave that...

leave the electrics alone, we don't want to go to casualty on Boxing Day.

-They could be strange creatures from another planet...

-Not the Aliens again.

-And they think clothes are food, so they...

-They're going to eat your pants?

-Or maybe...

-Go and put some pants on!

Right, best get moving.

Don't want Dad to get agitated or anxious. Oh, God.

-What?

-Oh, I keep thinking about that documentary.

-Sue.

The old people's home, where everyone's mistreated and...

that statistic of how many old people die in the first year of being put into...

Listen...

you did the right thing by your dad.

You checked that place out really thoroughly, didn't you?

He hasn't said anything, has he?

No, he's OK...

He did have that run-in with the Russian carer.

She over-reacted.

Your dad's generation just aren't...

politically correct, are they?

And he's right, she does look a bit like Stalin...

-The moustache doesn't help.

SMASH Mum! I think the robbers might have broken your bedside lamp!

Oh, for... Oh, just leave it!

What have you put about the back gate being open? That would make the claim invalid, wouldn't it?

It wasn't me.

Well, I've put that they forced it open...

which they sort of did...

except by using the handle and turning...

But it is quite stiff, so they might well have had to do that...

-forcibly.

-Yeah, but as long as everyone knows that it wasn't me.

Yes, yes, yes, we know...

Actually darling, if a man comes and asks if the gate was left unlocked...

-(it wasn't).

-But it was.

Well, yes...

but don't say it was unlocked.

-But it was.

-Just say it wasn't...

-So you want me to lie.

So you're always saying "Oh, don't lie" but now you're saying "do lie".

Now you're saying, "Karen, lie".

Well, how about... you just don't say anything?

-But what if he asks me?

-He won't.

-But what if he does?

Then just say, "I don't know".

But I do know. You told me it was unlocked.

We could have made a mistake.

Or you could have lied. Because you're lying to the insurance man now, so you could be always lying.

-Well...er...

-So I'll just say that Mummy and Daddy

said that the gate was locked but they are big, fat liars.

Well, that was Christmassy.

Will they come back? Will the burglars come back?

What, the burglars could come back?

Er, no, Karen, 'course not, no-one's saying that. The burglars aren't coming...

But they could hit us with their iron bars when... when...when we're asleep.

No-one's going to hit you with anything.

Anyway, robbers just want to take your stuff, not hurt you.

-What about the Vikings?

-Vikings?

-Yeah, the Vikings.

They would rob you AND hurt you.

Actually, historians now think that the Vikings weren't nearly as violent...

-Can we not worry about the history here...

-And what about the thuggies?

-They'd rob you and steal your kids for slaves...

-Ben!

-..and then they'd burn your house down.

-They could just...

-Ben!

-..pin you a table...

-Ben.

-..and go,

"du-du-du-du-du" all over you until you're little pieces of meat,

then bury you under their palace.

-There aren't people like that round now.

-But what about the things that ARE now, like...

-Ben.

-..you know, that group of Mexican women who'd invite you round to their house for smoothies...

-That was in Mexico.

-..they'd drug you.

-Ben!

-And they hurt somebody cos

-there were those two wrestling dwarfs who came round...

-Wrestling dwarfs.

-..one of the women's houses. She gave them her smoothies...

-Ben!

..and they drunk them cos they were so small,

-and they had a dwarfing illness and...

-And none of this family...

-..it affected their system and they just died.

-..are dwarf wrestlers.

-Can you stop him?

-Where are you learning this stuff?

-I think it was in RE.

Listen, Karen, you don't have to worry about robbers coming back.

And in the unlikely event that they did, they'd only come when people were out.

You said they were stupid and take drugs and if they were stupid and take drugs,

they wouldn't be able to know if the light was on in our house or if the light was on in their head.

Eh, eh, eh, come on.

Listen, you, come here...

You have got absolutely nothing to worry about, OK?

OK.

Yeah, I promise you, as your dad, that those robbers are never,

ever coming back.

-OK.

-OK? Off you go.

Bet you they do come back, now.

-Pete!

-Bob and Jean got turned over four times on the trot...

-Shh!

-..and they've got an Alsatian.

No, you can't, Ben, because A,

that experiment is WAY too complicated for your new chemistry set,

and B, that's probably how swine flu started.

Ooh. There's water coming out of it now.

Oh, God, well I definitely can't turn the valve off that way...

-I've dropped the barbecue tongs.

-Oh, for...

-Ben, your dinosaur doesn't look much like a dinosaur any more...

-Karen, shut up.

It looks more like a, er...

a jellyfish that's been in a fire.

If you don't shut up, I'm going to throw this radiator on top of you, so just shush your head up...

-Ok, everyone keep calm.

-Dad, turn the thing off.

Ben...banging your head against the wall is not keeping calm.

Mum, everyone downloads for free.

If you want me to be the only kid in the world who pays for his music

-then maybe I should get more pocket money.

-Come off it, Jake.

-Listen, titch. Look...

-Hey, you're only a few millimetres taller than me.

-Yeah, but from here on in you're just going to keep getting shorter.

-Oi!

Look, I'm just saying, Daddy, you shouldn't have really got any presents,

because you don't believe in God and Jesus and all that stuff.

-But it's OK for you to get loads, is it?

-Well, obviously, cos I'm a Christian.

Well, you are at Christmas.

-What?

-Nothing. Look, I can see it, I can see it, so...

Ben, you get ready to flick. And, Karen, when I say "grab"...

grab, OK?

-So...flick and grab!

-Ooh, ooh, ooh, I've got it!

-That's the barbecue tongs out..

-What about my dinosaur?

-Well, I'll have another try later. I've got the lunch to...

-But it's my favourite dinosaur. It'll melt...

-OK, OK. Look, calm down.

-Come back. It's my favourite toy.

-Listen both of you, why don't you just go and relax in front of the telly?

-Oh, OK.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Karen? I said you could both go and watch the telly.

I think my arm's stuck.

-'Course it is.

-Ow.

And, when Dad buys his Oasis CDs, he's just sort of giving money to the Gallaghers, isn't he?

And Noel has said in the past that he used to spend all his money on drugs and stuff,

so you're basically just giving money to drug barons who will likely spend it on guns

and then go and kill bloody peasants. I mean how moral is that, Mum?

Well, that's all very ingenious, Jake, but the fact remains

that illegal downloading is just theft.

Like fiddling the insurance company?

What are you watching?

Well, it was some really cool pictures of an earthquake

but now it's just some stupid men in suits coming on and saying sorry.

Yeah, this is rubbish.

Ah, it's a review of the year.

2009, the year of the apology.

Who are those three?

They're bankers. They're apologising to the country.

-What for?

-Well, they lost a lot of our money...

so then we had to give them even more of our money to replace our money that they'd lost.

But they're idiots. They should be fired.

Well, he is...and was. That's Sir Fred Goodwin.

He was fired?

Then what happened to him?

We...

gave him more of our money.

-Oh, there's Gordon Brown.

-Boo, get him off.

-Is he saying sorry?

No, that'd take too long.

In terms of the morality of it...

Look, this isn't about morality, it's about insurance. They're two entirely different concepts.

-So, you're saying it's OK to fiddle the insurance company?

-Yes.

It's really no different from my downloads, is it?

-Well, yes, it is, actually.

-Basically, what you're doing is just theft.

Well, everyone else does it.

Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it OK.

Da-ad?

Dad?

Dad?

Who are those funny little men?

One looks like Yoda and the other looks like He Pingping.

Funny little men? Those are the Ghurkhas, they're very fierce soldiers.

And who's that...the big one...

the big one with the blonde hair and the teeth? Is she a Ghurkha as well?

-Joanna Lume-ley, that's what it says, anyway.

-Lumley.

No, Lume-ley.

-Lumley.

-But it says there, "Joanna Lume-ley".

I'm sure there's no need to worry. Often, they just fall asleep and...

-Dad?

-Are you sure he's not in one of the communal...

-Very sure...

-Look, let's not get worried.

No. I AM worried. And, as someone in charge of an old folk's home who has just lost an old...folk...

I think YOU should be worried.

Well, it's possible he's...

popped out.

Popped out?

No, "Lume-ley".

-Lumley.

-"Lume-ley".

I'll have to talk to your teachers.

Oh, High Noon. You'll love this, it's brilliant.

No, it's not. You made us watch it last Christmas, it's rubbish.

That Sheriff only has to kill three men.

-What kind of a film is that?

-Well, it's a good film.

A hero should have to kill more than three people.

Just imagine how short The Matrix II would be if Keanu Reeves only had to kill three people, instead of 167,

not counting that man who flies off the back of the lorry - he might have survived.

-Yes, but this...

-DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Oh, who's that going to be?

-Maybe it's Jane.

-What, an hour early?

I haven't seen any comets or...

horses eating their young, so there is no way it's going to be....

Hiya!

Oh...my...God.

This is from this morning...

Nothing there...

nothing there.

I knew a home was a mistake.

-It's fine.

-Ah! Found him.

That's good. He's with Mack.

I wonder where they've got to this time.

This time?

-They've probably toddled off to the pub.

-How do they get past the keypads on the doors?

Oh, I wish I knew.

So you're saying that there's a particular pub they go to?

They're probably not up to finding a particular pub...

but if they wander long enough they come across one in the end.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hello, hi...

So I just thought it'd just be silly to go home, come back out again.

I hope being early's not a problem.

Good grief, no, no, it's, er,

it's a nice surprise.

So your Christmas present to us is a goat?

Yeah!

The desert is encroaching on Sub-Saharan villages and, for them, a goat makes a huge difference.

So it's a present to the Sub-Saharans?

Well, no, it's yours, but it's them who get to use it...

-and you can enjoy that.

-But that's not...

I think it's a terrific gift.

-Look, Jane, why don't you take the kids and go play some games in the living room?

-Oh, God, no, Pete.

I'll keep you company. You don't want to be left on your own.

Right...

CRUNCH

-Seven.

-I was so upset when I heard about your burglary.

It's horrible, isn't it?

You think they're going to come back and murder you in your bed.

Yeah, but that won't happen, will it?

Well, if they've got keys you could walk through the door

and find some knife-wielding psychopath waiting to stab you.

Yeah, but they haven't got our keys.

They didn't take our keys, so we've nothing to worry about.

Have we?

Oh... No. Sorry...

-you've got nothing to worry about, that's for sure.

-That's right.

But it is such a violation. You just want to go out and kill the people who did it.

-Are you allowed to do that?

-No.

Oh, my God!

-Ben! I've told you.

-Sorry...

Go easy with the dismembered hand!

Ahhh! The hand of doom is ripping my face off!

-So it's definitely MY goat?

-Yeah...

-Actually, Karen, if you don't mind?

-All right, then.

I'd like to see my goat.

I'm just going to...

Could I go to Sub-Sahara or something?

-Well, I don't think...

-Or can it come to me for the weekend?

Well...I think the cost of transporting a goat on a plane...for the weekend...

So it's going to grow up, have baby goats, grow old and then die without me even ever seeing it?

We can talk about it later.

It's a very ugly goat, as well.

No, you can't shoot burglars. So only the police can shoot burglars?

-No, they can't.

-So when they catch a burglar they can only whack him with a big stick?

No, Ben...the police can't whack burglars with a big stick.

I think Winnie is the wrong name for a goat. Because goats don't whinny, horses whinny.

-Goats go "baaaa", like sheep, but a bit different.

-Let's, er...

-Is this actually a photograph of MY goat, or is it just a goat?

-Er... I don't know.

-So, maybe I won't even ever get to see a PHOTO of my goat...

-Shall we go downstairs?

So, it's not actually a present to me, it's a present to some Sub-Saharans.

All right! All right, it's a Christmas present to some Sub-Saharans!

Right then, I'm fine with that.

I've got loads of Christmas presents anyway.

-Can soldiers shoot people?

-Yep.

So, I'm going to be a soldier...and shoot burglars.

No, no, no. If you're a soldier you still can't shoot burglars.

-So how can you stop burglars if can't shoot them?

-Well, you...

-You could get an aye-aye.

-A what?

-You know, Brazilian little bush baby things.

The aye-ayes are really, really cool creatures

and there's a myth that says that when you look an aye-aye in the eye...

-you die.

-Look, I've got to concentrate on this.

So you could have an aye-aye hiding and then when they open the door, the Aye Aye would just go...

-I'll put it to the Neighbourhood Watch.

-Can you set wild dogs on burglars?

-No.

-Electrocuted door knobs to make their...

-No!

-Dig traps in the garden?

-No, Ben.

You cannot dig tr...

You've dug another trap in the garden, haven't you?

Dad!

Hey! Hello, love.

-What a coincidence!

-No, Dad.

It's not a coincidence, we've been searching high and low for you.

-We've even had the police out looking for you.

-Have you?

-Yes. You're meant to be coming to ours for lunch.

-Am I?

Yes, Granddad. It's Boxing Day.

Oh...well, I find it a bit tricky keeping track of the days, so to be honest I don't really bother.

Oh, where are my manners? Er, this is Mack.

-Mack this is my daughter, Sue and my grandson Ben.

-Jake.

-Jake.

Whare ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?

Been in the hoose tae champ the tatties.

Robbie Burns. He can't remember bugger all, but he can remember all that.

Old clothes looked as good as new.

I don't understand everything he says.

Right, well, look, we'll drop Mack back at the home and then we'll take you onto ours, OK?

Did you understand what I said, Dad?

-Yeah, you're dropping Mack back at Colditz.

-So we'll... why do you call it Colditz?

-Eh?

You called it Colditz.

-Why did you call it Colditz?

-What?

-Come on, Mum, let's go.

-But he called it Colditz.

-Aye, we escaped from Colditz.

-See?

They keep calling it Colditz!

I know, Mum, but we've got to get Mack back at the home, and we're late already. Let's just go.

You're right. OK, come on, you two.

..and then when married men find out you're a single mum,

they just hit on you... all the time.

Do they? Mmm...

Is there anything I can do to help, Pete?

-No, you're fine.

-Just tell me if there is.

No, you're fine.

KAREN SCREAMS

It's lovely being surrounded by kids at Christmas.

-Yes...lovely.

-Of course, my little Alexa's with her father.

His lawyer threatened me.

What kind of a dad does that?

-I tell you Pete, he is such a...

-Kids!

Who wants to watch a DVD?

You and Jane can watch a nice DVD while we're waiting for the others to arrive.

Yeah, let's watch a DVD!

-Yay!

-Right, let's see what we've got here.

Gladiator...Groundhog Day...

A slice of ham...

-Christmas Carol, how about that?

-I love that.

-Oh, no, not Christmas Carol.

-I can't watch that.

-Well, why not?

-It's because of Bob Scratchit. He's an idiot.

-Why?

Well, Scrooge is horrible to him for thousands and thousands of years

and now he just, now he buys them one goose

and suddenly it's, "Oh, do come in, Mr Scrooge.

-"Thank you, Mr Scrooge".

-The Cratchits can see Scrooge has changed.

One day of niceness doesn't make up for thousands of days of horribleness.

-No, but...

-If Hitler said "Oh, sorry I bombed loads of people,

"but I promise that I'll be good for the rest of my life",

and then he bought everybody a goose, would we let him off?

Well, I think if Hitler had...

Doesn't have to be Christmas Carol.

OK, Dad. I'll just get Mack back inside and explain to the staff that

you're coming home to lunch with us, OK?

Oh! Mack's coming to lunch with us.

That's lovely, cheers, Sue.

No...no, Dad. Mack is having his lunch here.

So, you hop out of the car, Mack, and I'll...

No, Dad, you don't need to get out because you're coming to ours.

-Right.

-So you stay in the car...

-and Mack, you hop out and I'll take you back inside.

-Where are you taking Mack?

-Inside. I just said that.

-Yeah, I'm sorry but you were muttering.

Come on, Mack.

-Oh, for God's sake, Dad!

-No, Granddad. Get in the car, you're staying with me.

Come on, Mack.

We can watch the football tonight, Granddad. Fulham and Chelsea.

I grew up watching Chelsea.

I used to stand under...

Under the big Bovril sign. Yeah, I know.

They had some great players in those days...

Roy Bentley, Eric Parsons, Frankie Blunstone, Reggie Kray...

No, that's not right. Reggie...

I bet lunches are lively here, are they?

Too lively, too much yakking.

I always have my lunch with Frank.

In his room.

Always. Together. Always.

Well...I'm afraid we've borrowed him today. Still, he'll be back...

Come on then, Mack. In we go...

For God's sake!

Sorry. He's faster than he looks.

Are you OK, Pete? Is there anything else I can do to help?

No, no you're fine. Everything's under control.

Why don't you go back in and watch some more DVDs?

Oh, no. The kids got bored and now they're watching the Christmas edition of World's Weirdest Bodies.

Oh, God.

Well, Sue'll be back soon.

MOBILE BEEPS Oh.

I know who that's from.

-Alexa?

-No, her dad.

He likes to send me these nasty little messages.

Take a look. Go on.

No... I don't mind.

Really.

Oh...that IS nasty.

That is, that is really nasty...

He sent me three on Christmas Day.

All gloating that he had Alexa.

I wasn't...always like this, y'know.

I used to be a moderately together...sort of person.

Well, compared to this.

You're looking at what happens when all the confidence gets kicked out of a person.

Sorry...I'll leave you to it, I'll go through...

No, no, stay. Let's chat. Do you want a...?

Dad, come quick! There's a woman with a head like a pumpkin!

-There's not much Christmas spirit in that, is there?

-Oh, my God, she's horrible!

That's horrendous!

Now, come on, come on. It is rather unkind watching this kind of...

My God, look at that.

-Look at her face!

-I bet she's popular on Halloween...

-No, come on.

What...what's wrong with you?

-That was really interesting! You can't just turn it off!

-Look, look.

-The baby Jesus...

-Turn it back on!

-..was not born in a...stable...

-It's so unfair!

-..so we could sit around watching pumpkin-headed women.

-Or dwarves with massive breasts...in the wrong places.

-Come on, let's do something festive. I know, games!

-Is his name Peter?

-No.

-Then what is his name?

Ahh...clever.

-Have I ever murdered anybody?

-Yep.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Am I known for...sort of...er...

for being sort of troubled?

Is he...er, a historical figure?

Hopefully, soon.

Does my name begin with an "S"?

Are you looking through the paper?

-Do I have some sort of eating disorder?

-Osama Bin Laden!

-Yeah.

-Well done.

-Finally, somebody cool.

-Someone cool? How can you think...

One, he has a gun.

-Two, he likes to blow things up, three, he's got a really cool beard.

-Since when was that cool?

Four, he's had a hiding place for ages and five, he sings Numa Numa really well on YouTube.

But he's not cool though, is he? He's a terrorist. He blew up the twin towers.

Hi, it's us.

They are here. Ok, everyone, lunch in minus five. Hi Frank, Happy Christmas.

-And Happy Christmas.

-Happy Boxing Day, Granddad!

-Granddad, do you want to play "Who Am I"?

-Er...

I think that's probably not a very Granddad-friendly game, Ben.

-Look, why don't you sit down, Frank?

-Right.

-Do you remember Jane, Granddad?

-No.

-Oh...

-Granddad, I did this picture for you.

-Oh, yes?

-This is you.

That's your unicorn...

and you're fighting Osama Bin Laden, Voldemort,

and that's the creepy woman that sits next to Simon Cowell and I can't remember her name.

How is everything? Jane, did you get here all right?

Yes, actually I was an hour early.

(Sorry.)

No, it's been fine. You're right, it's nice to do something for people who are on their own at Christmas.

Uh-huh? Yeah, er, this is Mack.

-Hiya.

-He's going to be joining us for lunch.

HE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY

-Is he Albanian?

-Ah...No, no darling. He's from Scotland.

-Right, who's for a drink?

-Wee Johnnie Walker'd be nice.

-I'll get that.

-Here, Mack, look,

-Karen's done me this lovely drawing.

-That horse has got a javelin coming out its heid.

No, it's a unicorn!

Look, that's a horse right? And that's its heid.

This is a unicorn... what do you mean "heid"?

-Heid, heid...heid.

-This is "head".

-Aye, heid, heid.

-What language are you speaking?

-I'm speaking English, hen.

-I'm sorry! What could I do? The poor man has no-one.

I couldn't leave him there on his own. They call it Colditz!

-What do you mean, a wee bit?

-A wee bit, a totty bit.

-Do you mean a "tiny" bit?

-Aye, a tiny bit.

-Why d'you say "wee", then?

-"Wee" is the same thing as "totty".

A totty wee bit is even wee-er than a wee bit. You're getting to totty, totty, totty, totty...

-till you disappear, until you're naen.

-Ni-in?

Naen! So, do you want me to talk like you then?

Well, no. I'm not saying I want you to, but why don't you?

But why should I? I talk like this all the time.

-So, Mack...do you like football?

-Aye, I used to play inside right for St Mirren.

-Who's St Mirren?

-A football team.

-What's an inside right?

-At Chelsea, I used to stand under the great big Bovril sign.

-Inside right what?

-Inside right is just inside the outside right, just ahead of the right half.

Is this football we're talking about?

They had some great players in those days...

Roy Bentley, Frankie Blunstone, Reggie...Reggie er...Dixon. No, he played the organ.

So, what's for first course, chef?

Well, my speciality... hamster soup.

-What!

-It's a joke, Karen.

-Well, there are some things you don't joke about.

We're not going to declare a national day of mourning for one lost hamster.

Perhaps it'll find its way back.

I doubt it. I mean they're not a very bright animal.

Yeah, well, hamsters can store food in its cheeks and I bet you can't do that.

-Depends which cheeks.

-Peter!

-Maybe the burglar took the hamster for lunch.

-You can't say that! You let him out...

-That's enough hamster-based...

-What's this about a burglary?

-Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Dad.

Just a minor break in. Nothing much was taken.

Yeah, just over £300 worth... and going up all the time.

Pete, he keeps banging on about the insurance thing.

We're going to have to do something.

You could do with stronger locks on these doors.

Bolts top and bottom, a mortice deadlock...that's what you need.

-Something that'll give ye a wee bit of resistance.

-You seem very knowledgeable, Mack.

Aye, well, for ten years I was a security consultant.

-Oh, yeah?

-And for 20 years before that I was a burglar.

This looks tasty.

-Did he just say he was a burglar?

-Yep.

-OK, everyone. This looks lovely...

-Well done, chef.

-Yeah, let's tuck in.

-Starving!

-Excuse me.

Are we not gonnae say grace?

-Well, we...we...we don't usually...

-We're not really religious, y'see.

We don't... It's not something...

I just thought we've all got our health and all this lovely food,

when there's loads of people out there with nothing.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Some hae meat and cannae eat and some hae naen that want it.

But we hae meat and we can eat, so let the Lord be thank it.

-Very nice.

-Amen.

-Yes, very nice.

KAREN: I didn't understand a word of that.

-Roaring?

-King Kong!

Frankenstein. It's got four syllables, he's really fat.

-I don't know, I give up.

-It's impossible.

-Shrek!

-I thought you said it was four syllables.

-Yes...

Sh-R-E-K. Shrek.

-Oh, God!

-No...shhh... no, shhhr...

-Drown! Swim! Drowning bunny!

-Stag?

-Zombie!

-Drowning deer! Drowning stag!

Drowning, drowning fish.

-Pigeon...drowning.

-Finding Nemo!

-We give up. What is it? Just tell us.

-It's An Inconvenient Truth!

The icebergs are melting and a polar bear is drowning.

OK. Third word. TV. OK.

-Dinosaur!

-Dead?

Hit the dead! Kill the dead!

Slap, slap the dead! Strangle...swat the dead!

Shoot the dead!

-Smack the dead!

-Annoy the dead!

-Shake the dead!

-Waking The Dead!

Finally!

OK, my turn.

You ready? It's a book.

-Old man with a stick shouting.

-Angry blind man.

You're right, this is definitely what Christmas is about, isn't it?

Throwing your home open to family and friends and...ex-burglars.

A lion...with an animal... old man and his dog?

And it's definitely a book?

What book do you think Ben is doing?

Elephant? Ellie the elephant?

I've got this terrible feeling he's doing the Bible...all of the Bible.

-Rabbit! Kangaroo!

-I think that's Noah and the Ark...

-Oh, God.

-Hunchback!

-You see? There are the crabs going in two by two.

-Top up?

-Musician?

-Flute?

-Trumpet!

-Miles Davis!

Ahh, he's got to Joshua and the Battle of Jericho.

I'm not looking forward to Sodom and Gomorrah.

-Angry.

-Angry old man... Alan Sugar!

There you go. Returned safe and sound and looking forward to his lunch. One lost dad.

Erm...that's not my dad.

-What?

-We found my dad. I did ring the station, did no-one tell you?

I asked you, specifically, if you were Frank....

father of Sue Brockman and you said, "yes, I am".

Yep, I'm Frank.

But you told me... Oh, for...

I'm telling you, sometimes there is a case for police brutality.

I'm starving.

Well, I suppose I could take him along to "Crisis at Christmas",

but I was there earlier and they were really struggling.

Though what would be handy is if someone were to just take him in and give him some lunch...

as a gesture of seasonal good will?

-Well...

-Sorry, we're a bit good-willed out.

We've already got a full house, I'm afraid.

Oh...right. OK. Come on, you.

Try the Harrisons at number 27.

They're Christians.

-Peter!

-Well, that'll teach them to keep shoving leaflets through our letterbox.

Just off to the bog.

-Ooh, Dad. Y'know, the home...where you're living?

-What, Colditz?

Yeah, why do you keep calling it Colditz?

Is there something wrong with it, is it horrible?

-No...I like it.

-So why do you keep calling it Colditz?

Well...for a laugh.

-For a laugh?

-Yeah, it's a joke.

Colditz. You need to relax and see the funny side of things, Sue.

It's always been your problem. Reggie Matthews! That was him!

Yeah, goalie, Chelsea and England! Yeah, Reg Matthews.

Zombie! Leper!

Baddie with arms in-front of him.

-Leper...er...Mummy... Err...

-Ah. He's got as far as Lazarus.

-Mummy, Mummy 2.

-What is it?

-Jake, could we have a little word about something?

-Oh, for...

Look, it was Ben who downloaded it.

No, no it's not about... whatever that turns out to be.

It's about our insurance claim for the robbery.

-Oh.

-And we know that you think that we're guilty of double standards.

-And we have taken that on board.

-And so we've decided we're not going to make a false claim.

OK. Cheers, guys.

-Do you think he bought that?

-Yeah, kids are so gullible. Drink?

-Mm.

Everyone ready?

# Take my sister to the picture show

# Bang, bang, bang! With Frankie's gun, he shot me down.

# Bang, bang, bang! With Frankie's gun, he shot me down!

# He shot me down! He shot me down...

# Sha la la

# Sha la la la

# Sha la la

# Sha la la la

# Sha la la

# Sha la la

# Sha la la

# Sha la la

# Sha la la

# Sha la la

# He shot me down, He shot me down, he shot me down

# Sha la la, sha la la, sha la la

KAREN: Now can we sing along to Sex On Fire?