Christmas Special 2016 Outnumbered


Christmas Special 2016

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BIRDS TWEET

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Why not let Ben drive?

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OK, OK.

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It's a quiet road.

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What could happen?

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Yes, OK. Why isn't anyone answering?

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She's still just sitting in her car.

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Are you sure you're all right?

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I'm fine, thank you.

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I think Karen might have post traumatic shock.

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You can get that after a crash.

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No, you're OK. She's on Instagram -

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the symptoms are very similar.

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I'm not sure we should call it a crash, more a...clip?

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It'll be fine. He's actually getting quite confident.

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Will you stop doing that? It's not like he's a complete beginner.

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-KAREN GUFFAWS

-Not helpful, Karen.

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I'm not laughing at you.

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Zosha has this face-swapping app and she's face-swapped

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with Delilah's cat.

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Well, as long as you're taking no interest in a major family crisis.

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-No.

-God.

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The worst possible day to have an accident.

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Is accident the right word?

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I mean, given that many neurologists argue that free will is an

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illusion, then really there is no such thing as an accident.

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-God's sake.

-Hadn't we best go and swap insurance details with her?

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Hang on, I'm still holding - 24 hour emergency helpline.

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Which 24 hours though? A Tuesday in July.

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So we're just going to spend Boxing Day in a ditch in Hampshire?

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We did pass a pub that was open just before Ben's...clip.

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Today of all days.

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Sue, can I do something?

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Kate, you're always such a great help.

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Is that some of him?

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Oh, maybe. Oh, no, hang on, no.

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That's just some crumbs from those Hobnobs.

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Are you sure you've got the right number?

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Yeah, cos I got the cheerful Geordie voice saying,

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"Thank you for calling Super Speed Rescue.

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"We will sort you out in a second."

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Research shows that Geordie voices are the most trusted.

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Yeah, like you'd leave Paul Gascoigne

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in charge of your finances.

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I'll just grab the wheel if there's any problem.

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You really shouldn't keep saying that stuff, Mum.

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-Thank you, Karen.

-Cos she's filming us.

-What?

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And if she goes for compensation she could use that

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as admissible evidence.

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She's still doing it.

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I'm not having that.

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-Sue.

-People are so bloody rude now.

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-Mum...

-No, I'm going to go and give her a piece of my mind.

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-Mum...

-I'm going to go over there and I'm going to say...

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Do you need any help with that?

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-Once we get someone to help us get the car out of the ditch we can be on our way.

-Come on.

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-Ah, Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

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Merry Christmas.

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Yes! Brilliant!

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Sorry, no, we've just had the disabled toilet done up

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just before Christmas.

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This will be its first outing, like, you know, so if you need to...

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Anyway, you folks had a nice Boxing Day?

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Bleedin' fantastic(!)

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Sorry, really sorry.

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It's just I've been listening to a recorded message

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for the last half hour

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and it has exactly the same accent as you and...

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Hello? Hello, hang on, you're breaking up.

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So what brings you here?

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An accident. Do you have Wi-Fi please?

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-Yeah, the password's on the menu.

-Oh, thanks.

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-An accident?

-Yeah. Our car's stuck in a ditch.

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You don't have some kind of container that I could put

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-the contents of this into?

-What is it?

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Grandad.

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It's my father's ashes.

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The container the crematorium gave us broke in the car crash.

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He went everywhere.

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You'd think the crematorium would give you a container

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that could survive a small car crash, but, no.

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Well, that was them all over. The way they rushed us through.

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I swear they played that salsa version of Abide With Me

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just because it was quicker.

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Not your day, is it? Funeral and a car crash.

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Oh, the funeral was months ago.

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He just wanted his ashes scattered at the spot where he met Mum.

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That's so romantic.

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Yeah, on Boxing Day, the day he met her.

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Oh, I wish I'd had the chance to meet him.

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It's probably best you didn't.

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As the dementia got worse he...

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He had, um...

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boundary issues around younger women.

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Well, and older women and, erm, men he thought looked a bit like women.

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It's just that on your card here, the one that guarantees to get

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there in an hour and a half maximum, there is no mention of

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"except on Boxing Day".

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Wait, I'll look. Nope.

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No mention of "except if people don't fancy working" either.

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Thinking about your dad?

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No,

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just remembered about Trump.

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Would you like a coffee?

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Anyone else?

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Facetime me in.

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Who are you talking to?

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Oh, it's LaPaula's 15th birthday and she's invited over

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Zephyr, Shazonce, Shamola

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and Anne.

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Hi, girls.

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Oh, really?

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Yes, so sarcasm won't get the tow truck here any quicker?

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So what will? Hyperbole? Bathos? Litotes?

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Haven't I?

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Can I do that now?

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Please?

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Jill, can I get you a tea or coffee?

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-No, thank you.

-Something stronger?

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-No, I'm...

-Something to eat?

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No, I'm OK.

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Ow.

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Are you all right?

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Did something to my neck in the crash.

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Oh, I'm sorry. Can we...?

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Don't say, "sorry". She could use that as an admission of liability.

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-Karen.

-If she says you admitted guilt,

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-you just say you were showing sympathy.

-Karen!

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My advice, don't talk to her.

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-Don't be so...

-Bit of a problem.

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Seems that our breakdown cover wasn't renewed.

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So how are we going to get to scatter Dad's ashes?

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And what's Angela going to say?

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Don't worry about your sister.

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She's just sitting there in a jacuzzi in California

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waiting to find fault.

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You saw how she was at the funeral.

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"Why did you put him in a Mercedes hearse?

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"He hated the Germans." And how was I supposed to know that they'd

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get in that Reverend Schweinsteiger?

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Look, if she can't be bothered to come...

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No, it's not just Angela.

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-I promised Dad.

-I know.

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"I promise you I will honour your wishes," that's what I said.

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He thought I was that Korean woman but it still counts.

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Look, we will get through it.

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We have a family tradition of difficult Christmases.

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Ben mistaking that sewage pipe for buried treasure.

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Losing Karen in the safari park.

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Ben dropping the frozen turkey on Mum's foot.

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Is dropping the right word? I mean, she did actually knock the frozen...

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Yeah, yeah.

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Anyway, we will find a way of getting there, won't we?

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-Yeah. Yeah.

-We will, Mum.

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Well, I'm very grateful you all came, and Karen, I know your friends

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have organised a party and you'd really like to be there.

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It's OK, I am there.

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Just talking to my mum.

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Aye, it's not easy, honouring the wishes of the deceased.

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My dad passed away six months back, left strict instructions.

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What were his wishes?

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He wanted his ashes thrown in the face of Mike Ashley.

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Ashes to Ashley, like, you know.

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We took the urn to the Newcastle-Villa match

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but there was too much security.

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My brother reckons we might get him at the next, erm,

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Sports Direct AGM.

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BEEPING

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Is that one of those fitness trackers?

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Yeah, it's a Christmas present from my wife.

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My ex had one of those.

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She became obsessed about her weight,

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used to stand naked in front of the bedroom mirror for hours.

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"I'm virtually obese," she'd say,

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and she was right.

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Hey, there's a fella comes in here, he'd get you out of that ditch.

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He's got a tow truck - Billy Spaz.

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Shall I give him a call?

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Yes. Yes, please.

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-Billy Spaz?

-You can't say that.

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Well, we're in Clarkson country here aren't we? It's...

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Well, you'll have to have a word.

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I mean, if no-one challenges that behaviour we'll end up

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back in the 20th century.

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You are absolutely right and we will say something,

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but can we just wait until Billy...

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..turns up with his truck?

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How about this? Any good?

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-Uh...

-For your dad's ashes.

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I mean, it needs emptying, obviously.

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And you... You'll want the label taken off.

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Yeah.

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So, Jill.

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Tea, coffee?

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No, I'm fine, thank you.

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Or something to eat then? Nuts? Crisps? Nibbles?

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Thanks, but if I wanted something to eat I'd order it.

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Of course, yeah, of course. I'm... I'm not, erm...

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Weren't the Paralympics marvellous?

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I hate the Paralympics.

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Right. Yes.

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Because you don't like the way that Paralympians are always

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portrayed as heroic?

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No, I don't like sport.

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OK.

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Good.

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Go on, Taser him. Taser him!

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That is a video game, isn't it?

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Whoa.

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Those girls aren't drinking, are they?

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No, no, they're still too hungover from last night.

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That isn't strictly correct.

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I've just taken nine steps, it's only counted seven.

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-Fascinating.

-Which means when it says...

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Pete. Do you think we ought to call a taxi, because it's been

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over an hour now and that tow truck guy...?

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Billy Spaz.

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Yeah. He hasn't turned up.

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I'll call you a taxi.

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Dad, you are going to have to talk to him about that word.

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-It's offensive.

-Yes, I know Jake, just not now.

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I'll try Kathy, I think she's the only driver out today

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since Martin breached his non-molestation order.

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Hello, is that Kathy?

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I think I inhaled some of grandad in the incident,

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which is quite interesting in a way cos with every breath

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we're inhaling atoms of Aristotle and...

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and Shakespeare and Einstein.

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I like to think that when I fart, there's some of Hitler in there.

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I can see why you did philosophy at A-Level.

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And psychology, he's really getting into that.

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By the way, if he asks to attach electrodes to your head,

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just say no.

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I'm really sorry, Kate, about all the delays,

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we were meant to get you back to your mum's, weren't we?

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Don't worry about me, I'll give her a call. She might be able to come and get me.

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Isn't she lovely?

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I've got a feeling that "Kake" has a great future.

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"Kake"?

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Kate and Jake.

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I mean, I know we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, but she's so

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good for him, and one day she's going to make a lovely mum.

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What, grandchildren?

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I'm going to need at least another 15 years to recover from children.

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Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm just...

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I'm going to have to loosen this boot.

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Listen, Dad,

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Mum is going to have to slow down.

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Well, me and Kate...

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I think it's over.

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Oh, I'm sorry. Why?

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Because I'm going to tell her it's over.

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-Oh, you're ending it with her?

-Thanks for the vote of confidence.

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No it wasn't that, it was...

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God, she is going to be devastated.

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No, Kate's tough.

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Not Kate, Mum.

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Are you absolutely certain you want to call it a day?

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OK.

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When are you going to tell her?

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I'll... I'll phone her, you know, after Christmas is over.

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-Not Kate, Mum!

-Well, you can't tell Mum.

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She's got far too much to worry about

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and she'll let it slip to Kate. Do you promise you won't tell Mum?

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Well...

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OK.

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You folks all right for drinks?

0:12:140:12:15

Fine thanks. Actually, no, I'm going to have a whisky.

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I can have one, can't I?

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Of course we can. Two.

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If you knew you were going to end it,

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why did you invite her for Christmas?

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I didn't, Mum did.

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Oh, yeah. Anyway you'll have to say something soon.

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Yes, I will, OK, I'll call her.

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I mean, I know texting is unacceptable if you've been with

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someone for more than a month but doing it when she's actually there?

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That's savage.

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In my day when you were chucking someone

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you didn't have the virtual option.

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Although one girl dumped me by writing in felt tip

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on my chest when I was asleep.

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I often wanted to ask her...

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Actually, Dad, there is something else I've been...

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SUE LAUGHS

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Oh, God.

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All right, love?

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Yeah, it's just the accident has upset me.

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Actually, I must be pretty stressed cos my pulse is 86.

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No, 87.

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Now 88.

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I wish I'd bought you socks.

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I wonder if the stress of having a rising pulse rate

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is causing my pulse rate to rise.

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Yeah.

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92.

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93.

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90. 91.

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-96!

-Do you think she really is considering a compensation claim?

0:13:280:13:32

Hang on a sec, girls.

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Look, she's faking whiplash which is what the uninformed do,

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because they don't know that the law was changed in November 2015.

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Neck injuries are no longer a cash cow.

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OK, I'm back.

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I'm not! You're a big cheek.

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Kate always lights up a room, doesn't she?

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Mm, yeah.

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Very much.

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-There you go.

-Thank you.

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She's a keeper.

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See, what I'd do if I was her is give up on whiplash and go for

0:14:010:14:06

some kind of minor brain trauma.

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See, that's where the big cash pay-outs are these days.

0:14:080:14:11

Karen, I think you're being a bit unkind.

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I mean, we don't just assume that disabled people

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are scroungers of some kind.

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-I don't.

-We have to treat her exactly the same as everyone else.

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I am. I'm treating her the same as any other rip-off merchant.

0:14:210:14:24

It's you two that are guilty of...ableness-ism.

0:14:240:14:27

-No, we're not. Are we?

-No.

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-No.

-Of course we're not. We're being even about things.

-Yes, you are.

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You're just assuming she's a good person cos she's in a wheelchair.

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-Shh!

-No, we're not.

0:14:350:14:37

I booked your taxi.

0:14:370:14:38

Oh, thanks, you're a life saver.

0:14:380:14:39

-Yeah, Kathy says it'll be two to three hours.

-What?

0:14:390:14:42

Though with these new pills she's taking she can't cross bridges

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so...best allow four.

0:14:450:14:47

Four hours? It'll be dark by then. That's no good.

0:14:470:14:50

Sue, would it be so bad to scatter his ashes on another day?

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He left written instructions.

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He was suffering from dementia.

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It was the early stages.

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He did ask for the Band of the Grenadier Guards

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to perform at his funeral.

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That was just silly.

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-And Pan's People.

-Look.

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Scattering his ashes in his special place on his special day is the

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only one of his wishes that I CAN honour, so we need to get him there.

0:15:100:15:14

Look, Mum, do we?

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He's dead.

0:15:160:15:18

I'm not being mean, I really liked Grandad,

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a lot, but he doesn't exist any more so he won't know.

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So, Ben, if on my deathbed, I asked you to scatter my ashes

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in a special place, are you saying you wouldn't agree to that?

0:15:290:15:33

-No, no, of course I would.

-OK.

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I'd agree to it but I might not do it,

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unless it was nearby like the garden.

0:15:380:15:40

Well, I wouldn't want you to walk all the way out there when there's

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a perfectly good waste disposal unit next to the sink.

0:15:430:15:46

This isn't just for Grandad, Ben. It's for Mum.

0:15:460:15:49

Oh, she's achieving closure? Why didn't you just say?

0:15:490:15:52

We'll find a way, Mum, don't worry.

0:15:520:15:54

Excuse me, what's the Wi-Fi password?

0:15:540:15:56

smashashley123 - all lower case.

0:15:560:15:59

Cheers.

0:15:590:16:01

Teenagers.

0:16:010:16:03

They're often kind of right in a black and white way.

0:16:030:16:08

Mind you the only government run by teenagers was the Khmer Rouge

0:16:080:16:11

in Cambodia and they killed three million of their own people, so...

0:16:110:16:15

Oww.

0:16:150:16:17

Oh, ow.

0:16:170:16:18

You all right, Jill?

0:16:210:16:22

Yeah, gone a bit dizzy.

0:16:220:16:24

Seeing things double.

0:16:240:16:25

I'll, erm, I'll fetch you a drink.

0:16:290:16:31

Water, or tea, sweet tea, sweet tea's good.

0:16:310:16:33

Must be from the crash when I bumped my head.

0:16:330:16:36

Just have a bit of a sit down.

0:16:360:16:37

Listen, if there's anything we can do, Jill, just let us know.

0:16:390:16:44

OK, now you're in trouble.

0:16:460:16:48

She's obviously looked up whiplash on her phone

0:16:480:16:51

and changed the symptoms.

0:16:510:16:52

We need to subpoena her phone and internet records.

0:16:520:16:55

Karen, when you're a little older you'll realise

0:16:550:16:58

that aggression is not the answer in these situations.

0:16:580:17:01

-Yeah, OK.

-Good.

0:17:010:17:02

Oh, that's just my dad, yeah.

0:17:020:17:04

Him and Mum are getting turned over by this disabled woman.

0:17:040:17:07

Karen, will you not do...

0:17:070:17:08

Pete, listen, why don't you go and have a quiet word with her?

0:17:080:17:12

-Why me?

-Cos I'm feeling emotional, for Christ sakes.

0:17:120:17:15

Maybe we could convince her not to involve the insurance

0:17:190:17:22

companies and that way we could both hang on to our no claims bonus.

0:17:220:17:26

Yeah, maybe Ben was driving too fast but she definitely

0:17:260:17:29

-pulled out without stopping.

-No, no, she stopped,

0:17:290:17:31

then she pulled out, that's why Ben swerved to the right.

0:17:310:17:34

-He didn't swerve to the right, he swerved left.

-He did swerve to the right.

-He sort of went straight on.

0:17:340:17:37

-No, he went to stop and then he swerved...

-How could he? We drive on the left.

0:17:370:17:40

-No, he swerved to the right.

-He's lucky he didn't hit the tractor.

0:17:400:17:43

-Tractor?

-What tractor?

0:17:430:17:44

-Yeah, there was a tractor.

-I'd have noticed a tractor.

0:17:440:17:46

Well, we can't all be right.

0:17:460:17:48

But, interestingly, we can all be wrong.

0:17:480:17:50

This just goes to show, there's no such thing as reality.

0:17:500:17:53

I'll put that on the insurance form, shall I?

0:17:530:17:56

All that's certain is that the subjective nature

0:17:560:17:58

of perception means that we all recall different versions of events.

0:17:580:18:02

Like when I chased that pig down the escalator.

0:18:020:18:05

Yeah, we can't agree whether we were interviewed

0:18:050:18:07

by two social workers or three.

0:18:070:18:09

Actually, all that's certain is that you guys need to keep

0:18:090:18:12

your voices down cos she's filming us again.

0:18:120:18:15

Well, all I know is that Ben is one of the best drivers I've ever seen.

0:18:180:18:23

Kate, thanks, but no.

0:18:230:18:25

So, what's the latest?

0:18:310:18:32

1,761 calories.

0:18:320:18:34

I wonder if that takes account of my unusually fast metabolism.

0:18:340:18:37

Pete! What's happening with Jill?

0:18:370:18:39

Oh, right. She's not having it.

0:18:390:18:42

She seems to think that she would win any dispute

0:18:420:18:44

against a 17-year-old with a provisional license.

0:18:440:18:47

And I wonder where she got that crazy idea from.

0:18:470:18:50

Oh, any luck with the other taxi firms?

0:18:500:18:52

Oh, nothing so far. Do you want some grub while you're waiting?

0:18:520:18:56

We've got an award-winning chef.

0:18:560:18:58

Chef of the Year three years running in Bucharest.

0:18:580:19:00

Right.

0:19:000:19:01

So will he be allowed to stay, you know,

0:19:020:19:05

-after Brexit?

-Ah, ah, ah.

0:19:050:19:07

We've had four fights in here.

0:19:090:19:10

My ex is still incredibly angry about the vote,

0:19:100:19:13

and she won.

0:19:130:19:15

Still, she is one of those people for whom, you know,

0:19:150:19:18

the glass always looks half empty.

0:19:180:19:20

Right, a pessimist?

0:19:200:19:21

No, an alcoholic.

0:19:210:19:23

-Katie.

-Mum!

0:19:230:19:25

Put on a bit of weight over Christmas, have we?

0:19:270:19:30

-Hey. Hi, lovely Jake.

-Hi.

0:19:300:19:33

-And this is...

-Oh, the Brockmans! Oh.

0:19:330:19:35

Oh, I can't believe it's taken us so long to meet.

0:19:350:19:38

Aren't they fabby together?

0:19:380:19:40

-Fabby.

-What happened to your foot?

0:19:400:19:41

Oh, nothing. It's just one of those frozen turkey-related incidents.

0:19:410:19:45

-You're very young.

-Oh, I had kids young.

0:19:450:19:48

Well, there's nothing wrong with that. I was just saying earlier that Kate would make a lovely...

0:19:480:19:53

Hi, I'm Pete, lovely to meet you.

0:19:530:19:54

You the folks who had the crash?

0:19:540:19:56

Crash isn't quite the word I'd use.

0:19:560:19:58

Yes, we are. Are you...?

0:19:580:20:01

-It's Billy Spaz.

-Dad!

0:20:010:20:03

I towed her in here, few scratches, but she looks fine.

0:20:030:20:06

Brilliant. So we can drive her?

0:20:060:20:08

Don't see why not.

0:20:080:20:10

I'll tell my lad to unhook her and leave her out front.

0:20:100:20:12

Dad, you have to say something to... About the name thing.

0:20:120:20:15

He's right, it's wrong.

0:20:150:20:17

What's wrong?

0:20:170:20:18

Well, it's just that we...

0:20:180:20:20

I think you shouldn't call him Billy Spaz.

0:20:200:20:25

-Well, what do you want me to call him?

-Well...

0:20:250:20:28

Who's the Zafira belong to?

0:20:280:20:30

Cos she's scrap.

0:20:300:20:31

The Zafira is ours.

0:20:320:20:34

Oh, she's yours?

0:20:340:20:36

Well, cost you more to fix her than she's worth.

0:20:360:20:38

Sorry. You look like a Volvo man.

0:20:380:20:40

The Volvo's mine.

0:20:400:20:42

-Oh, she's yours.

-Can I drive it?

0:20:420:20:44

Will it be safe to drive with double vision?

0:20:440:20:47

Oh, do you know, I think it's a bit better now.

0:20:470:20:50

So can I drive it?

0:20:500:20:52

Well?

0:20:540:20:55

Sorry.

0:20:560:20:57

Just remembered about Trump.

0:20:570:20:59

No, she'll be fine. Yeah, so that's 50 quid you owe me.

0:20:590:21:02

Volvo man?

0:21:020:21:04

It'll have to be a cheque.

0:21:040:21:06

Just make it out to Billy Spaz, with a Z.

0:21:060:21:09

Your name is...

0:21:090:21:12

Billy Spaz?

0:21:120:21:13

Yeah, it's not like it's hard to remember.

0:21:130:21:15

Old German Jewish name. Yeah.

0:21:150:21:18

Should really be pronounced Shpaaz.

0:21:180:21:21

-Right.

-My dad came over on the Kindertransport.

0:21:210:21:23

It's just that your name is sort of...

0:21:230:21:26

Have you ever thought it might be more sensible to...

0:21:270:21:30

change your name?

0:21:300:21:31

Well, thank you very much.

0:21:310:21:33

But I'm very proud of my Jewish heritage.

0:21:330:21:35

-No, I didn't mean...

-Dad!

-You told me to.

0:21:350:21:37

Just when you think that sort of prejudice is finally over.

0:21:370:21:41

Thank you, Brexit.

0:21:410:21:42

Billy!

0:21:420:21:43

Sorry, everyone.

0:21:430:21:45

Look, Billy.

0:21:470:21:49

Mr Spaz...

0:21:490:21:51

Shpaaz...

0:21:510:21:52

Well, I was going to offer you a lift somewhere but I think I'll

0:21:520:21:55

just get on with the rest of my day.

0:21:550:21:57

Well done, Pete.

0:21:570:21:58

It wasn't... They... I...

0:21:580:22:00

If you want to sell your car for scrap,

0:22:000:22:02

Phil Nutter over Shellingfield will give you a tenner for it.

0:22:020:22:04

We'll bear that name in mind.

0:22:040:22:07

Nutter.

0:22:070:22:09

The man's name - that can't be wrong, can it?

0:22:090:22:11

-I don't know, it still...

-That man would have given us a lift.

0:22:110:22:14

I could probably squeeze you all in.

0:22:140:22:16

Oh, would you? Oh, thanks, that would be so brilliant.

0:22:160:22:19

-It gives us a chance to get to know each other better.

-I hope we're going to see a lot more of you.

0:22:190:22:23

Yeah. Is it OK if I just grab a quick sandwich?

0:22:230:22:26

-What, now?

-Yeah.

-All right.

0:22:260:22:28

First customer.

0:22:330:22:34

-You are an idiot because you crashed the car.

-Boys...

0:22:340:22:37

He keeps insulting my driving. I could take you right now, so easily.

0:22:370:22:40

-Whatever.

-Jake, he could take any of us,

0:22:400:22:43

with the possible exception of Karen.

0:22:430:22:45

DEEP VOICE: I let you puny weaklings live just for my amusement.

0:22:450:22:49

Put me down! No, we talked about this.

0:22:490:22:52

Put me down.

0:22:520:22:54

Your family are such fun.

0:22:540:22:56

From the outside, yeah.

0:22:560:22:57

Phoenix? Billy Bob?

0:22:570:22:59

What are you doing?

0:22:590:23:01

Oh, you remember my mate, Janice?

0:23:010:23:03

Was she the one that decided she was a boy?

0:23:030:23:05

He decided he was a boy.

0:23:050:23:06

Well, we're all just chipping in with idea for names.

0:23:060:23:09

Right now the front runners are Nimrod and Kevin.

0:23:090:23:12

Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I was just talking to my brother.

0:23:120:23:15

No, no, not the cool one.

0:23:150:23:17

I just wanted to say it's been lovely spending Christmas with you.

0:23:170:23:21

It's been lovely for us too, having a young person in the house

0:23:210:23:24

who doesn't expect us to find their pants.

0:23:240:23:26

Sorry. I probably shouldn't have mentioned your pants.

0:23:280:23:31

Ah, well, that's fine.

0:23:310:23:33

Yeah, we're only 15 miles from where we scatter the ashes.

0:23:330:23:36

Anyway, I've had a lovely Christmas.

0:23:360:23:38

Us too, we must try and stay in touch.

0:23:380:23:40

Yeah, yeah...

0:23:400:23:42

Stay in touch?

0:23:430:23:45

Why wouldn't we stay in touch?

0:23:460:23:48

Well, we would.

0:23:500:23:51

Which is why we mustn't not...stay in touch.

0:23:530:23:56

Jake's splitting up with me, isn't he?

0:23:570:23:59

No. Definitely not.

0:23:590:24:01

What, so he's told you he isn't splitting up with me?

0:24:010:24:05

No, he just looks like he isn't.

0:24:050:24:08

-Is this because of the Canterbury job?

-He's got a job?

0:24:080:24:10

Yes, now, would you tell me the truth, please.

0:24:100:24:14

I'd rather not.

0:24:140:24:15

Look, if you ask me, he's making a mistake.

0:24:150:24:18

So he is ditching me?!

0:24:180:24:20

Is there any chance you could not say anything to Jake?

0:24:230:24:27

It's just that I've promised him I wouldn't.

0:24:270:24:30

So let me get this right.

0:24:300:24:32

You'd like me to act surprised when he finally decides to tell me?

0:24:320:24:38

Well...

0:24:380:24:40

I'll say this for you, you're not a born liar. Drink?

0:24:440:24:48

Yes, please.

0:24:480:24:49

I brought you some tea.

0:24:490:24:50

Oh, well, actually I was just about to...

0:24:500:24:52

-Hi, I'm Karen.

-Hi.

0:24:520:24:54

I've got a teacher who has MS so I know that life can be

0:24:540:24:57

really tough for the disabled.

0:24:570:24:59

You know, most people, they see the wheelchair and not the person.

0:24:590:25:03

Well, that's certainly true.

0:25:030:25:04

Well, I see the person -

0:25:040:25:07

the person that's trying to rip off my mum and dad.

0:25:070:25:10

Oh, oh. You know, I'm...

0:25:100:25:14

I'm feeling dizzy again. Maybe I'd better call an ambulance.

0:25:140:25:19

You'll need your phone for that.

0:25:190:25:21

You stole my phone?

0:25:220:25:24

I'm returning your phone.

0:25:240:25:26

I noticed there were several texts sent around the time of the

0:25:260:25:29

accident, one half-finished at 11.07 right as the accident happened.

0:25:290:25:35

And did you show these texts to your mum and dad?

0:25:350:25:39

No, just to LaPaula, Shazonce, Shamola and Anne.

0:25:390:25:43

I screenshotted them and shared them, just for the record.

0:25:430:25:46

Enjoy your tea.

0:25:460:25:47

How's the pulse rate?

0:25:500:25:51

Oh, it's way up.

0:25:510:25:53

Mind you, I have burnt over 2,000 calories now.

0:25:530:25:55

Probably burnt off quite a lot just by constantly looking at it.

0:25:550:25:58

-Mum.

-Oh, hi, Babs. Sorry, are you ready to go?

0:25:580:26:00

What the hell does your son think he's playing at?

0:26:000:26:03

-Sorry?

-Nobody treats my girl like that. Where is he?

-Ah, OK, well..

0:26:030:26:06

And what sort of person gets his dad to do the dirty for him, eh?

0:26:060:26:09

-Well, no, that's not actually...

-No, no, you should be ashamed of yourself.

0:26:090:26:13

-Mum, let's go.

-No, not till I've spoken to Jake.

0:26:130:26:15

Spoken to him about what?

0:26:150:26:17

Me and Jake are splitting up.

0:26:170:26:18

Oh, no. Why? Well, can't you give him another chance?

0:26:180:26:22

He's splitting up with me!

0:26:220:26:24

Really? That... That's awful.

0:26:240:26:27

I didn't know.

0:26:270:26:28

He knew.

0:26:280:26:30

You knew?

0:26:330:26:35

Well, let me provide some context here.

0:26:350:26:37

You knew and you didn't tell me.

0:26:370:26:39

-I didn't tell anyone.

-Apart from Kate.

0:26:390:26:42

You told Kate that Jake was breaking up with her?

0:26:420:26:46

Well, no, technically that's not correct, I tried not to tell her.

0:26:460:26:51

Does anyone want to know the football scores because Arsenal are absolutely...?

0:26:510:26:55

-Well, cheers, Dad.

-I didn't say anything.

0:26:570:26:59

-Kate, look, just..

-Let's go, Mum.

0:26:590:27:01

-Can I just have one second?

-Put it in a text, Jake.

0:27:010:27:04

Despicable.

0:27:060:27:07

Babs, I'm sorry about this, I really am.

0:27:070:27:10

Are we still OK for the lift?

0:27:130:27:14

OK, no, sorry, fair enough.

0:27:150:27:17

Stay in touch.

0:27:190:27:21

I have to speak to her. Kate!

0:27:210:27:23

Kate!

0:27:260:27:27

How's the foot?

0:27:300:27:31

Did your dad specify a particular Boxing Day?

0:27:350:27:38

My brother just dumped his girlfriend.

0:27:420:27:45

No, not that brother, I said girlfriend.

0:27:450:27:49

My mum is going to go mental when he comes back.

0:27:490:27:52

He's coming back.

0:27:520:27:53

-They almost ran me down.

-What is wrong with you?

0:27:530:27:56

Oh, Mum, please.

0:27:560:27:57

A lovely, intelligent, beautiful girl and you ditch her. Are you mad?

0:27:570:28:01

-Eh?

-I mean let's face it, Jake, you were batting way out of your league.

0:28:010:28:05

Oh, and thank YOU for the vote of confidence.

0:28:050:28:08

And now you've gone and broken that poor girl's heart,

0:28:080:28:10

and cost us our lift.

0:28:100:28:13

That's an interesting question, cos did Jake cost us our lift,

0:28:130:28:16

or did Dad?

0:28:160:28:18

I didn't tell her.

0:28:180:28:20

She sort of deduced it.

0:28:200:28:22

How did she deduce it?

0:28:220:28:24

-Well...

-I think it was the hesitations.

0:28:240:28:26

-Yeah, thank you, Brian.

-After you said "stay in touch".

0:28:260:28:29

Stay in touch?!

0:28:290:28:31

It just came out.

0:28:310:28:33

That's interesting though, isn't it? That she immediately guessed.

0:28:330:28:36

Maybe at some subliminal, subconscious level, she...

0:28:360:28:39

Shut up, Ben.

0:28:390:28:40

That's a bit rude.

0:28:420:28:43

-What can I get you?

-Can I have a packet of crisps?

0:28:430:28:46

She's just worried that she won't be able to fulfil Grandad's wishes.

0:28:460:28:50

The best we can hope for I suppose is that our taxi turns up soon.

0:28:500:28:53

Actually, I'm pretty sure Grandad told me he met Grandma

0:28:530:28:56

at a dogfight in Singapore.

0:28:560:28:58

I think he told me it was a bus stop in Ipswich.

0:28:580:29:00

He told me it was on a tram.

0:29:000:29:01

Right. Actually, come to think of it,

0:29:010:29:03

he told me it was at a Lovely Legs competition in Butlin's.

0:29:030:29:06

Just goes to show, if memory is so subjective,

0:29:060:29:09

is there such a thing as history?

0:29:090:29:11

Yes, there is, cos I'm a history teacher and we need the money.

0:29:110:29:14

So if no-one knows where he met her,

0:29:140:29:17

does it matter where we scatter his ashes?

0:29:170:29:19

Does anything matter? Ascribing an existential meaning...

0:29:190:29:22

ALL: Shut up, Ben.

0:29:220:29:24

Also rude.

0:29:240:29:25

I haven't calmed down. I've just come to get my scarf.

0:29:250:29:28

Hey, Mum, Mum. Look, I'm sorry I lost us the lift, OK, and I know

0:29:280:29:33

Kate is a very, very lovely girl, and I'm very fond of her.

0:29:330:29:37

But, Mum, ultimately we are very different people, and it would also

0:29:370:29:42

be difficult because I've been waiting to tell you,

0:29:420:29:46

I've got this job.

0:29:460:29:48

-You've got a job?

-Yeah, in Canterbury.

0:29:480:29:50

Oh, great. Something else you didn't tell me.

0:29:500:29:53

There wasn't time. Kate told me, I didn't mean...

0:29:530:29:57

Look, the great thing is,

0:29:570:30:00

he's found something when he's been looking for so long.

0:30:000:30:03

Yeah. It's great. Well done, love, that's great.

0:30:030:30:06

So what's the job?

0:30:060:30:08

Oh, it's for a start up, just sourcing local ethical

0:30:080:30:11

furniture and linking it with the retailers.

0:30:110:30:13

I mean, obviously it's a pretty long way away.

0:30:130:30:16

Well, it's not that bad,

0:30:160:30:17

I mean what's the quickest way to Canterbury?

0:30:170:30:20

Well, a plane.

0:30:200:30:22

Plane? No, no, no, you need the M2 and then the A2 from Faversham.

0:30:220:30:26

Ah.

0:30:260:30:27

Yeah, you see, it's actually Canterbury, New Zealand.

0:30:270:30:31

Sorry, I thought you knew that.

0:30:310:30:32

No, no.

0:30:340:30:36

Kate didn't get that far.

0:30:360:30:38

New Zealand that's...

0:30:400:30:42

That's like Australia.

0:30:420:30:43

Mm.

0:30:440:30:46

But...that's great, that's great.

0:30:490:30:52

-That's brilliant.

-Well done.

-Well done.

0:30:520:30:54

-It's exciting.

-Well done, it'll be a real adventure for you.

0:30:540:30:57

-And how long's it for?

-Well, the contract is for two years.

0:30:570:31:01

Two years. That's...

0:31:010:31:02

That's excellent.

0:31:030:31:04

-Well, that's great. That's a... That's a really good...

-Wow.

0:31:040:31:08

-..length of contract.

-Really good.

0:31:080:31:09

I mean, two years minimum.

0:31:090:31:11

Could be longer.

0:31:110:31:13

It will go really fast, won't it?

0:31:130:31:14

Yeah, well done you. Brilliant. Really, really, really...

0:31:140:31:17

Totally brilliant, totally, totally, absolutely brilliant.

0:31:170:31:21

Brian's just told me that our cab lady

0:31:210:31:23

has had to return to base for her medication.

0:31:230:31:26

What are you looking at?

0:31:270:31:29

Text from Angela - "How did it go? Am waiting for you to upload video."

0:31:290:31:34

New Zealand.

0:31:380:31:40

That's actually further than Australia.

0:31:400:31:42

We can Skype.

0:31:420:31:44

There's Snapchat.

0:31:440:31:46

Facebook if he lets us friend him.

0:31:460:31:49

Instagram.

0:31:490:31:50

Two years.

0:31:500:31:52

Maybe he'll never come home.

0:31:520:31:54

Maybe he'll meet a nice New Zealand girl and we'll have

0:31:540:31:57

-grandchildren we never meet.

-Sue...

0:31:570:31:59

Oh, why am I putting us all through this stupid ashes thing?

0:31:590:32:04

Why don't we just admit defeat and get home?

0:32:040:32:09

-You sure?

-Yes.

0:32:100:32:12

Listen, I can't leave the bar but I see how desperate you are,

0:32:120:32:16

so you can borrow my car if you like.

0:32:160:32:19

Really?

0:32:190:32:21

Aye, no sweat.

0:32:210:32:23

Brian, that is incredibly kind.

0:32:230:32:25

OK.

0:32:260:32:28

OK, team, wagon's roll.

0:32:280:32:29

It's a bit sticky in second.

0:32:290:32:31

Hang on, I can't drive, I'm over the limit.

0:32:310:32:33

Oh, me too, yeah.

0:32:330:32:34

-Well, I can't drive with this foot.

-I can drive.

0:32:340:32:37

You're not far over the limit?

0:32:400:32:42

-You'd be fine, Dad, I mean...

-You can drive.

0:32:420:32:45

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

0:32:450:32:47

I can't have someone who's over the limit drive my car.

0:32:470:32:49

I'm a publican, they'd shut me down.

0:32:490:32:51

It'll be fine. I'll drive.

0:32:510:32:53

It'll be good for my confidence.

0:32:530:32:55

Is your foot that bad?

0:32:570:32:59

-I can't press down on it.

-You can just use

0:32:590:33:01

-the other one, Mum.

-You're walking.

0:33:010:33:02

All right, listen.

0:33:020:33:04

I won't drive fast, and the way I see it,

0:33:040:33:07

either I drive or Grandad's wishes just don't get honoured.

0:33:070:33:10

OK, come on.

0:33:120:33:13

I could wait here.

0:33:130:33:14

No, come on.

0:33:140:33:15

Jesus, look at that heart rate.

0:33:210:33:23

It's just up here. I can't believe we've actually made it.

0:33:250:33:28

My driving was OK, wasn't it?

0:33:290:33:32

It was...

0:33:320:33:33

..not bad at all.

0:33:350:33:36

Yeah, like, I didn't go too fast.

0:33:360:33:38

No, no. Well, maybe just that one bit.

0:33:380:33:41

-What bit?

-The bit when you hit the chicken.

0:33:410:33:43

You're not supposed to swerve to avoid animals.

0:33:430:33:45

Well, if they're in a coop, I think you probably are.

0:33:450:33:47

It wasn't actually in its coop, it was loitering round it.

0:33:470:33:49

A loitering chicken? Are you mental?

0:33:490:33:51

OK, OK. We're here and that's what matters.

0:33:510:33:54

Yeah, and it feels like our luck has finally changed.

0:33:540:33:58

There it is.

0:33:580:34:00

Dad's bench.

0:34:000:34:01

-Hopefully the weather will hold.

-I wouldn't worry. Jake's got the brollies.

0:34:030:34:06

-What...? What...?

-What the hell is...?

0:34:110:34:14

-Oh, my God.

-Dad, they're Nazis!

0:34:140:34:17

Cease fire!

0:34:240:34:25

What the blazes are you doing here?

0:34:270:34:29

What are we doing here? What are you doing here?

0:34:290:34:32

Why are there a bunch of Nazis running around in the woods?

0:34:320:34:36

We are conscripts from the 916th Regiment

0:34:360:34:39

of the 352nd Volksgrenadier Division,

0:34:390:34:42

so we are patriotic Germans defending our homeland, not Nazis.

0:34:420:34:47

Yes, well, we are real people living in the correct century.

0:34:470:34:51

People who ignore signs.

0:34:510:34:53

What signs?

0:34:530:34:54

Thompson, I told you not to do the signs in brown.

0:34:550:34:57

Are you allowed to be running around here with pretend guns?

0:34:570:35:01

We have cleared it with all the relevant authorities.

0:35:010:35:04

We are re-enacting a skirmish with complete historical accuracy.

0:35:040:35:09

Apart from Thompson who is wearing trainers.

0:35:090:35:11

And apart from the fact that this is actually Hampshire.

0:35:110:35:14

This is an engagement that took place on December 26th 1944,

0:35:140:35:17

in the Ardennes at this precise hour, although we are fractionally

0:35:170:35:21

behind schedule because the Americans were late getting here.

0:35:210:35:25

That is historically accurate.

0:35:250:35:26

Look, we are here to scatter my father's ashes at that bench

0:35:260:35:31

up there. Well, it was up there.

0:35:310:35:33

Well, do you have to?

0:35:330:35:35

-Yes.

-Yeah, we do.

0:35:350:35:37

Seems a bit pointless.

0:35:370:35:38

Says the man dressed as a Nazi.

0:35:380:35:40

We're not Nazis.

0:35:400:35:41

Look, we just need ten minutes of peace and quiet.

0:35:410:35:45

Well, as luck would have it, there was a lull in the skirmish

0:35:450:35:49

at 14.55 for NINE minutes.

0:35:490:35:52

Right, that's fine. Nine minutes is fine.

0:35:520:35:55

OK, men, take a short... Thompson, put the iPhone away!

0:35:550:35:58

Oh, look, the bench has survived.

0:36:010:36:04

Ah.

0:36:040:36:05

-What's that?

-It's from our disabled lady.

0:36:050:36:08

She says she is happy to completely forget any insurance claim.

0:36:080:36:12

-You see, Karen, aggression is never the answer in these situations.

-OK.

0:36:120:36:17

Do you know it would be nice if just for once you said,

0:36:170:36:20

"Mum, Dad, you were right."

0:36:200:36:22

Mum, Dad, you were right.

0:36:220:36:24

Gee, that wasn't so difficult was it? What the...?

0:36:240:36:28

Who does that? Who comes to a beauty spot and does that?

0:36:280:36:34

Someone who feels they have no stake in society,

0:36:340:36:37

and doesn't like JD.

0:36:370:36:38

Look, this is where your mum met your dad, isn't it?

0:36:400:36:44

That's what he said, right here.

0:36:460:36:48

OK.

0:36:480:36:50

No, you're right.

0:36:500:36:51

I said we'd film this for Auntie Angela.

0:36:530:36:56

OK, I'm on it.

0:36:560:36:58

You can't read "Made in Germany" on this, can you?

0:37:000:37:02

Cos otherwise she'll just bang on about how he would have hated that.

0:37:020:37:05

-I think it's fine.

-OK. I'm ready.

0:37:050:37:07

TRUMPET PLAYS LAST POST

0:37:070:37:09

What's that?

0:37:090:37:11

The Last Post.

0:37:110:37:13

Thanks, but no.

0:37:130:37:15

OK, record.

0:37:180:37:19

We're gathered here to carry out Dad's... Grandad's expressed wishes.

0:37:230:37:30

It's a shame Angela couldn't be with us because of her

0:37:310:37:34

important commitments.

0:37:340:37:36

I suppose this is a kind of goodbye, but then life is full of goodbyes,

0:37:390:37:45

and just because someone isn't close by, that doesn't mean

0:37:450:37:48

that they're gone, because they're always in here.

0:37:480:37:52

OK, so this is where it started, Dad, and this is where it ends,

0:37:560:38:03

which is what makes it so perfect.

0:38:030:38:06

Is this going to drag on much longer?

0:38:060:38:08

Never driven at dusk before.

0:38:100:38:12

You two must be under the limit by now.

0:38:130:38:15

'fraid not, I had three scotches.

0:38:150:38:17

I had four.

0:38:170:38:18

Mind you, two of those were once I realised Ben would be driving.

0:38:180:38:22

SUE SIGHS

0:38:220:38:24

Trump?

0:38:240:38:25

No, Angela.

0:38:250:38:27

She's going to have a field day - a Nazi at Dad's farewell.

0:38:270:38:31

Oh, forget her. You did great, Mum.

0:38:310:38:34

-Yeah.

-You got him to his special place.

-Yeah.

0:38:340:38:38

Although I could have sworn he said they met

0:38:400:38:43

at a Shirley Bassey concert.

0:38:430:38:45

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