Episode 1 Outnumbered


Episode 1

Award-winning sitcom about the Brockmans - Mum, Dad and their three children. Gran takes everyone sightseeing in London, where one of the family re-enacts the Second World War.


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Transcript


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-29!

-Ben, stop playing spot the chav and sit down.

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I'm not telling you again.

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So, the flag wasn't flying over Buckingham Palace

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so the Queen's not there.

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-That's right.

-So, the Queen's out wearing hats and shaking hands with people.

-The Queen's boring.

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The olden day kings and queens were much better.

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I mean, like, Mary burned and killed 500 people which was why she was nicknamed Bloody Mary,

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but she should have been nicknamed something a bit like...Ashy Mary or Flamey Mary or Bloody Flamey Mary.

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-Ben, don't...

-Number 30!

-Ben, can you stop embarrassing me?

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-Sit down!

-Thank you for giving me such wonderful grandchildren.

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-Well...

-I'm so proud Karen is top in her class.

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I don't think the school do class positions actually, Sandra.

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-But she had that badge - First In Class.

-Yeah, she made that.

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We had to get her to take it off because it was causing a bit of friction with the other kids.

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And teachers. And the parents.

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-Everyone, actually.

-32.

-And Ben's so bright, as well.

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And I love his attitude, he just throws himself into everything.

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-Including septic tanks.

-Sorry?

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Oh, it's a long story.

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He did it for a bet. Won a conker.

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The French had some great kings, like the one who thought he was made of glass.

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Which one was that?

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King Charles The Mad. Why can't we have somebody like that, dad?

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-Well, we might have soon.

-And there was also King George III. He was cool. He talked to trees.

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-Why can't we have any like that?

-We definitely have one of those.

-Argh!

-What's your problem, Jake?

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It's flipping run out of battery, the stupid phone.

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Oh, yeah, it's so stupid it forgot to plug itself in and recharge itself. Why do you need a phone?

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So I can talk to people who aren't sarcastic.

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What's this trip got to do with World War II?

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This day out is supposed to be researching my World War II project.

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-Not entirely. We're having a nice...

-How am I going to win if we don't go out anywhere World War II-ish?

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This is so nice, chatting with you like this.

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-You're more like a sister than a daughter-in-law. You're my best mate.

-Thanks.

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Listen, Sue,

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I'd like you to have this.

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I had some National Savings Certificates and stuff, so...

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£3,000! No, Sandra...

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-You can use it to help get Ben and Karen into a good state secondary.

-What, do you mean for tuition?

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-No, no. You know, as a donation.

-A bribe?

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Well, isn't that how things work?

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No! No, you have to pretend to be religious or lie about where you live.

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Oh. And which are you going to do?

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Neither.

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Well, we did think about the religion, but it...

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Well, Peter was wrong, the rain's held off.

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I said, "Brenda, you should be as lucky as me.

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"I've got the best daughter-in-law in the world. Oh, look at that..."

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-And what can the Queen do? Can she tell her army to attack people?

-No.

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Could she burn Protestants?

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-No. She is a Protestant.

-Can she say who's on the Royal Variety Show?

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-No.

-Well, then that's unfair!

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-What's the point of being Queen if you can't boss anybody about?

-Well...

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-What would happen if the Queen and the Prime Minister had a fight?

-Well, constitutionally the Prime...

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No, no, no. If there was an actual fight between the Queen and the Prime Minister.

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I mean, she may be old, but she might be able to stick her finger in his only eye.

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-Well, I don't think Gordon Brown's...

-In some pictures it looks like Gordon Brown's got two eyes.

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Do they paint the other one on?

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I think if she's Queen she should be able to chop people's heads off.

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The Queen can just kill people!

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-She killed Diana.

-No she didn't!

-Well, her husband did.

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He didn't. You've been watching Channel Five again, haven't you?

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HORN BEEPS

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Oh, for... It's easing off, let's get off here.

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-This isn't Trafalgar Square.

-No, but it's close enough, it can't be far.

-Karen, don't run off.

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What if a Prime Minister of another...

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Your phone's dead, just enjoy what we're doing.

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-Look, London is this amazing place where all these amazing events have happened.

-HAVE happened.

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Not happening now, are they?

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History, the study of stuff that's not happening any more, and you spend your life teaching it.

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Listen, Sandra, it's such a lot of money I'm going to have to discuss it with Pete.

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Are you absolutely sure that Ian's OK with you giving it to us?

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Oh, you have talked to Ian about it, haven't you?

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No, we haven't talked about it.

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We never really talk about anything, to tell you the truth. To be honest, the marriage is dead.

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I suppose I should divorce him really, but I can't face the paperwork.

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-47!

-Ben!

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Your granny is treating us to this day out so don't spoil it for everyone.

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Pete, I specifically asked you not to leave me alone with your mother.

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Well, you...

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You're such a good listener.

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Yeah, well, you need to talk to her because she wants to give us a cheque.

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Hang on, we've lost Ben already.

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Karen!

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Die!

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-Die, Aslan, die!

-Oh, God!

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Here we go.

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Argh, the lion is eating me! Help!

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Can you tell me, please, what any of this has to do

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with World War II and my project?

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Yeah, I said it would take in elements of World War...

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We haven't been taking in any elements of World War II.

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Well, Trafalgar Square was very important and World War II, Karen.

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When the war was over a lot of people came here to celebrate

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and they had a big party and everyone got drunk.

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-And those ones over there still haven't gone home!

-Sorry?

-Those drunks over there.

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It was a... I was just... Never mind.

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Hey, is your sleeve wet?

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-Have you been taking money out of the fountain?

-Yes. Do you want me to get you some?

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-No, I don't!

-Well, people threw it in there...

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You can't take money that people have put in the fountain because it's not your money.

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-That's the point.

-I know, but it's not theirs any more. Now it's the fountain's.

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-The fountain can't do anything if I take it.

-No, people put money...

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They're idiots. You're allowed to take money from idiots.

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-But they put money in the fountain because they were making a wish.

-A wish?

-Yeah, a wish.

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But why would you throw money in some water to make a wish?

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-Well, I don't know, it's just...

-Look, mummy, I used to believe

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in all wishes and all this nonsense, but then my wish about Ben and the hyenas didn't come true.

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Hyenas?

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You cannot take that dead pigeon home with you!

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But it'll be a cool experiment.

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I'll see which bits decompose first.

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Yes, you've already done that experiment with the dead crow that your mum found in your sock drawer.

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-The feathers lasted longer than the feet.

-And indeed longer than the drawer, which we had to burn.

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Well, if people keep putting money in then it could build up, then all the water could flow out

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-and then it could go down into the Underground.

-Well, that's not going to...

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Then the trains won't be able to go because they would just slide off...

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-Karen...

-And that would be the end of all London.

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And I'm preventing all that from happening.

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Karen, Ben? Come on, group shot. Come on, guys.

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Look, a mime.

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Where's my shotgun?

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Right, line up.

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Still, mum looks like she's having a good time, though.

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She's just told me her marriage is dead.

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Dead?

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Yeah, she said that she and your dad don't talk any more and that the marriage is dead.

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-Oh, right.

-That's awful, isn't it?

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Well, I knew that her and dad haven't connected for a while...

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She must be feeling miserable.

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You need to talk to her.

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Me?

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No. No, I don't think I should. I mean, I...

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I can't talk to her about personal things.

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She's my mum.

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So, when I say "now", could you raise your hat, please?

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No, I haven't said "now", I haven't said "now". Wait, wait.

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You're going to have to have a conversation with her anyway.

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-Why?

-She wants to give us a cheque for £3,000.

-£3,000!

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Dad, dad! I'm right, aren't I, dad?

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There are four lions around Nelson's Column because Nelson had

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four lions on his ship and that's why he won the war of Trafalgar.

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No, I think Nelson's chances of winning the Battle of Trafalgar

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would have been significantly reduced had there been lions charging around

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the deck of HMS Victory.

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No, because instead of having cannonballs in the canons you could have big circus cannons.

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-Circus cannons.

-You could put lions in them and then you could fire them on to the other ship.

-So if...

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And the lions would eat everybody and rip through the floorboards

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-they'd rip the captain to shreds and end up steering the boat themselves.

-The lions would drive the ship?

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Then you'd have to buy another four lions from Africa and these were the surviving ones.

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The bronze ones? Don't you think the lions would have been more cross

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-with the people who fired them out of a canon?

-No, because they wouldn't be able to reach them.

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-Oh, because they'd be on the other ship.

-So, did Nelson have four lions or what?

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No. The lions represent England.

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-But lions aren't English animals!

-How many times have you seen a big...

-A lion!

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..lion sitting in a Yorkshire field?

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Nelson should have four English animals like a frog or a badger or a...

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-a cow.

-They're not very heroic though, are they?

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Or you could have, like, a big lion and then it's eating a half a cow.

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-Why?

-Because, like, the lions are cool, but then it has to be English.

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-Yeah, but...

-You've got to make it realistic.

-Right.

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Wait, maybe you can have a chick being eaten by a Tasmanian devil.

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-So, a chicken is trying to escape from a Tasmanian devil...

-Yeah.

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To signify the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar?

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There could be one Tasmanian devil wearing a little admiral hat just to show it was Nelson.

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So you've got a statue of a Tasmanian devil in an admiral's hat eating a chicken.

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Well, that's the problem of the fourth plinth solved.

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OK, better shift, the mime's turning nasty.

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You've got to pay me!

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Have you tried talking to Ian about...

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Oh, no. The talking stopped some time around 1993 I'm afraid,

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and once the talking stops everything goes quiet in the bedroom department.

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Not that Ian was ever James Bond between the sheets, but...

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You have to talk to Pete about it. You know, sharing can help sometimes.

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No, sharing just makes more people miserable.

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And down there, behind the security gate and the barriers,

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that's where our Prime Minister... cowers in Number 10.

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If number one's a wee and number two's a pooh I would hate to be anywhere near a number 10!

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-Or maybe it's five number twos!

-Urgh!

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-It brings a whole new meaning to the Prime Minister's in Number 10!

-It's just brilliant.

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We're sat laughing about poohs and wees on our way to somewhere where nothing's happening.

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-Look, just change the record.

-Dad, no-one has records any more, you stupid idiot.

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Don't call me an idiot, Jake.

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I hate days out.

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The museums do your feet in and the kids do your head in.

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Kneel before me, puny mortals!

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Ben, shh! Come down.

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The page you want is always missing.

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We're now in a gallery, she's turning this into a bloody route march!

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So that was modern art.

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-Yes, darling.

-It was rubbish.

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-Well...

-There was bits of carpet stuck to the walls.

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-There was just some painting.

-Well, that's quite interesting.

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A globe in a fridge?

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-Something like that means look at what we're doing...

-It's a globe in a fridge!

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I know, but it's quite a clear representation of global warming.

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But they've got a light on in that globe which is actually making it worse, isn't it?

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Only in the globe because the fridge isn't on.

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-It doesn't even look good.

-Well, I agree with you, Karen, it's not proper art.

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-Not like the pictures we saw in the National Gallery.

-Well, the National Gallery was rubbish, too.

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Well, what about the lovely van Goghs?

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It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it.

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And the stars were all wiggly and sprouty, it was like he was crazy or something.

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-And it had nothing to do with World War II.

-She wasn't impressed with any of it.

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Turner, too blurry.

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Monet, too spotty.

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Rubens, too many fat girls.

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Rembrandt, not enough cats.

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This print is ridiculously small.

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So what are we supposed to spend this 3,000 on?

0:12:340:12:37

-I don't know, originally it was a donation to get Karen and Ben into a good school.

-A bribe?

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Well, Jennifer's mum made a large donation to the new church hall.

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-But she didn't get Jennifer into the church school, did she?

-No, she did!

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That's why there was the big fight between her and the real Christian mums at pickup time.

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God, that was embarrassing, Ben and his mates standing in a big circle chanting "bitch fight!".

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-So, it was to help with the kids' education.

-I don't know, but you have to ask her.

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Ben, off!

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-Oh, hello. Is it working again?

-No.

-Then why are you texting?

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-You're hitting keys like you're texting.

-I'm sending the text I'd be sending

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if my dad hadn't brought me somewhere I can't charge my phone.

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Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to mobile phones?

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Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to being a prat?

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-Hey, cut it out.

-Get off my case, then!

-You shouldn't say prat, Jake.

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-I am not on your case.

-It's a bad word, like tosser.

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-Yeah, all right, Karen.

-Yeah, you are on my case.

-Or pellock.

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-Yeah.

-Or twannie.

-Look, OK, Karen.

-Or pizzock!

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OK, Karen, that is not that helpful. Look, Jake, if you're...

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-Look, it's not my fault you're in a bad mood, OK?

-I'm not in a bad mood.

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Yes, you are, you're always in a crappy mood when gran's around!

0:13:460:13:50

That's the House of Commons, where the Government makes the law.

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-So...

-And which was bombed in World War II, Karen.

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How do they decide which laws to make?

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Well, they read the Daily Mail and do what it says.

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How do they decide who's Prime Minister?

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There's an election and everyone votes to decide.

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So, is there, like, lots of people and then they say, "The lines are now open",

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and then they would say, "Oh, I've had a terrible life and my family has died."

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-It doesn't work entirely like that.

-Then you vote off all the annoying ones until there's just one left

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and then they go, "Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, I'm so happy I'm Prime Minister now", and start crying?

0:14:320:14:39

I think you're confusing democracy and The X Factor.

0:14:390:14:44

Ben, stay with us! Don't go wandering off with any large groups.

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You don't even know what a Tamil is let alone what they're demonstrating against.

0:14:490:14:53

They gave me a tangerine. They were nicer than the Hare Krishnas.

0:14:530:14:56

Well, I don't want to see you disappearing round corners, shouting "death" to someone.

0:14:560:15:01

It's unfair that we don't get to vote.

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You've got to have people over 18 voting because they know about the world in a way you don't.

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Younger people would know who... Who are good and older people think, oh, oh, ah, I'm not quite sure.

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Like granddad would think that the ugly people are good singers...

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But you're talking about X Factor again.

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Old people's brains are all shrivelled and not so good,

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but the younger people have more big juicy intelligent brains that know lots.

0:15:240:15:30

-It's unfair that...

-If you're so clever, who would you vote as Prime Minister?

0:15:300:15:34

Simon Cowell.

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Young, juicy brains.

0:15:350:15:37

Hey, Ben, there's a couple!

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Hey, I told you to stop that chav-spotting game.

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-We're not, now we're spotting lesbians.

-What? You can't do that!

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-There's nothing wrong with it. Now you're being a lesbianist.

-I am not lesbian... Lesbianist.

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Well, you shouldn't be prejudiced against fat people, thin people...

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-I'm not!

-Men who've turned into women, women who have turned into men, gay people, ginger people...

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-Karen...

-People from Liverpool.

-I'm not. I'm just saying don't shout ("lesbian!") at them in the street.

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Anyway, Steph's mum's a lesbian and she's really nice.

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No! Karen, no,

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she's Lebanese.

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-She's from the Lebanon.

-Well, still, if she was...

0:16:160:16:19

God, Jake is really taking lumps out of me today.

0:16:190:16:23

Don't let it get to you.

0:16:230:16:25

It's part of growing up, challenging his dad.

0:16:250:16:28

It's like Big Cat Diary when the young male takes on the patriarch and kicks him out of the pride.

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Not that you're going to get...

0:16:350:16:37

I need a wee. Anybody else?

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Me. Bagsy I go first.

0:16:410:16:44

You really don't need any money, today's my treat.

0:16:440:16:47

-OK, in you go.

-Well, that's very kind,

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-but I'm all out of cash, so...

-Well, that's fine because you don't need any.

0:16:490:16:53

Ben, not so close. Ben!

0:16:530:16:56

-Why?

-People at cashpoints don't want others knowing their PIN numbers.

0:16:560:16:59

-But I can still see it from back here.

-Ben...

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-But I'm not a robber, so it's OK.

-All right.

0:17:020:17:05

-I'm not going to tell anyone that number is 4567.

-Ben!

0:17:050:17:09

Sorry.

0:17:090:17:11

He has exceptional eyesight.

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Peter, all day long is my treat.

0:17:150:17:18

-Well, tomorrow follows today.

-Well, what's it matter if I know her number?

0:17:180:17:22

-Because only the person with the card is allowed to know it.

-But I know your number is 3937.

0:17:220:17:26

Oh, for God's sake, Ben, this is ridiculous!

0:17:260:17:28

Dad, calm down, you're embarrassing us.

0:17:280:17:31

I'm embarrassing you! Do you know, I am sick and tired of being embarrassed in public by you lot.

0:17:310:17:38

Karen, I said wait!

0:17:380:17:41

Do you mind?

0:17:440:17:45

Let's just go to HMS Belfast, shall we?

0:17:450:17:48

There, I've brought up Google Earth on my mobile and I can use GPS to plot our route.

0:17:480:17:54

Or we could just use our eyes and look for a bloody great ship in the middle of the river.

0:17:540:17:59

BEN IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED

0:18:010:18:04

Dad, I'm going to blow up that big building over there.

0:18:040:18:06

Well, lots of bankers work there, so no-one will mind. Hang on, are you allowed up there?

0:18:060:18:11

Er...

0:18:110:18:13

-No, don't think I am.

-Well, get down, then. Come on.

0:18:130:18:16

What does HMS Belfast have to do with World War II?

0:18:160:18:21

Well, it's a large fighting ship of World War II which has been turned into museum about World War II.

0:18:210:18:27

So it's ALL about World War II?

0:18:270:18:29

-Well, virtually all, yeah.

-Well, which bits aren't?

0:18:290:18:32

There's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship after the end of the war.

0:18:320:18:35

-I don't want to see that.

-OK, fine.

0:18:350:18:39

Because I want to win the prize on best project on World War II.

0:18:390:18:43

-Well, what is the prize?

-It's a trip on HMS Belfast.

0:18:430:18:47

-But we're on...

-Mum, I need a wee!

0:18:470:18:52

Now!

0:18:520:18:53

Ben, come down off that mast!

0:18:530:18:57

This is a disabled toilet. It's illegal to go in a disabled toilet.

0:18:570:19:01

No, it's not illegal.

0:19:010:19:03

The rules say that you can't use the disabled loos unless you're desperate

0:19:030:19:09

because desperation is a temporary form of disability, so in you come.

0:19:090:19:13

Oh, OK.

0:19:130:19:15

If you want to find out about what happened in world wars, just ask the people who were there.

0:19:150:19:19

Well, we tried that with granddad in the Korean War.

0:19:190:19:22

Karen's class probably won't want to hear about the fight in the brothel in Seoul.

0:19:220:19:27

Who did we fight in the Korean War?

0:19:270:19:29

Get down! We were fighting the North Koreans and the Chinese,

0:19:290:19:33

though granddad spent most of his time fighting Americans.

0:19:330:19:36

-And the bloody Navy.

-Yes, and the bloody Navy.

0:19:360:19:39

And that big prossie who spat in his rum.

0:19:390:19:41

I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him.

0:19:410:19:44

Don't touch that!

0:19:440:19:46

Where's gran?

0:19:460:19:47

Is she avoiding us?

0:19:470:19:49

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:19:490:19:51

Someone's waiting, mummy.

0:19:510:19:52

Karen, do not open the door! KNOCK ON DOOR

0:19:520:19:55

Rahh!

0:19:550:19:57

-Young man!

-Yeah?

-Can I show you something?

0:19:570:20:01

Do that hard.

0:20:010:20:03

That hurts, doesn't it?

0:20:030:20:04

-No.

-Well, it would do if you banged your head.

0:20:040:20:09

-No, I tried it with my head earlier. That didn't hurt either.

-Right.

0:20:090:20:13

Well, just be careful, we don't want anyone getting hurt, do we?

0:20:130:20:16

It's a warship.

0:20:160:20:17

It sank the Scharnhorst.

0:20:170:20:19

Well, all I'm saying is that getting hurt isn't cool.

0:20:190:20:23

You don't have kids, do you?

0:20:250:20:27

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:20:290:20:30

Yeah, all right! Can't you see it's engaged?

0:20:300:20:33

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:20:330:20:34

All right!

0:20:340:20:36

Mummy, why are you limping?

0:20:460:20:48

-Shift, Karen.

-But why are you limping?

0:20:480:20:51

Die, Nazi scum, die!

0:20:510:20:55

Send those Germans to hell!

0:20:560:20:59

OK, Ben, come on, out you come.

0:20:590:21:01

-Come on, now.

-I've to sink that Kraut submarine.

0:21:010:21:04

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

0:21:050:21:07

All ahead full, Number One.

0:21:190:21:21

All ahead full. All ahead full.

0:21:210:21:24

Torpedo on the starboard bow, sir.

0:21:240:21:26

Torpedo on the starboard bow. Hard to port, hard to port!

0:21:260:21:29

My God, we've been hit!

0:21:290:21:31

What's the damage, Smugger?

0:21:370:21:39

I'm afraid, she's going down.

0:21:410:21:43

Mayday, Mayday!

0:21:430:21:46

Abandon ship, abandon ship!

0:21:460:21:48

HE IMITATES A KLAXON

0:21:480:21:50

-Ben! Ben, mum said you have to come downstairs.

-But it was him!

0:22:070:22:10

-Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number 42 bus!

-He's the leader of the free world, he can do what he wants.

0:22:100:22:16

How am I supposed to win the prize for best project on World War II if you won't take me to Dunkirk?

0:22:160:22:21

Oh, for... Dunkirk is in Belgium.

0:22:210:22:24

-Look, sweetheart, winning isn't everything. No-one can win all the time.

-Well, I can.

0:22:240:22:29

I can smell success in my sweat.

0:22:290:22:32

Karen, I've told you, The Apprentice is not a suitable show for a seven year old!

0:22:320:22:37

-God, what's Ben up to.

-I love that do-or-die spirit in her, don't you?

0:22:370:22:41

-I'm not sure doing or dying is entirely necessary in a seven year old.

-Yes, but...

0:22:410:22:45

-Are you and gran going to argue?

-Of course not, darling. When have we ever done that?

0:22:450:22:50

Well, when gran said you should get a job at the private sector.

0:22:500:22:53

-Look, can you just...

-What is the private sector?

-Karen, can you...

0:22:530:22:56

Ben, mum says come downstairs.

0:22:580:23:01

HE IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED

0:23:010:23:03

Ahh!

0:23:040:23:06

Thank you for the offer, it is very kind, but we just don't need your money.

0:23:060:23:09

They're doing fine at school, we just want them to be happy.

0:23:090:23:12

I want them to be happy, of course I do, but are...average people happy?

0:23:120:23:18

-Is this is about me?

-Everything isn't about you, Peter.

0:23:180:23:21

-I very nearly made head of history last year.

-And that's terrific.

0:23:210:23:25

-Who did?

-Look, Mum, we just don't...

-You said you wouldn't argue.

0:23:250:23:29

-No-one is having an argument.

-We're having an argument.

0:23:290:23:32

-No, we're not.

-Well, if I think we're having an argument and you think we're not, that's arguing.

0:23:320:23:39

You see...

0:23:390:23:41

very bright.

0:23:410:23:43

But I'm telling you, it was really him.

0:23:440:23:48

Ben, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not be going through a litter bin.

0:23:480:23:52

How do you know? Maybe he wrote a song and then chucked it away by accident.

0:23:520:23:56

If only!

0:23:560:23:57

-Ben, don't wander off.

-You may be faster than me over a short distance, but you can't keep it up.

0:23:570:24:02

-Yes, I can do it, I can sprint for way longer than you.

-No you can't.

-Yes, dad!

0:24:020:24:06

Pete, Big Cat Diary.

0:24:060:24:08

-Right, Karen! Come on, everyone, let's get going before rush hour, Ben and commuters don't mix.

-Go!

0:24:080:24:14

Oh, for God's...

0:24:140:24:16

Sue, trouble brewing.

0:24:160:24:19

Oh, well, if he wants to give him his money then that's up to him.

0:24:190:24:22

I think he's trying to buy his dog.

0:24:220:24:24

Oh, n... No, Ben!

0:24:240:24:27

Oi! Idiot!

0:24:270:24:29

Oh, God!

0:24:290:24:31

Daddy just knocked over that woman.

0:24:310:24:34

All I'm saying, and I've said it again and again, is don't run off like that.

0:24:360:24:42

-You shouldn't have been rude about my project...

-Yes, well...

0:24:420:24:46

You said "I hope she comes last with her bloody project."

0:24:460:24:49

-Well...

-That's what you said.

-Yes.

0:24:490:24:52

OK. Here's one for you.

0:24:520:24:54

You're drifting in a lifeboat with granddad, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and David Tennant.

0:24:540:25:00

-Right.

-Which one would you eat first?

0:25:000:25:03

Eat first?

0:25:030:25:05

Because you're stranded and you can't get out. You're in a big sea which has electrified water.

0:25:050:25:11

-But you shouted.

-No, look, I'm sorry I shouted, but you shouldn't have run away like that.

0:25:110:25:16

You gave us a terrible fright. We couldn't find you.

0:25:160:25:19

Well, that's because I was hiding.

0:25:190:25:21

Yes. But it's not kind to...

0:25:210:25:24

But I'm only seven and I'm still learning, but you should have learnt to keep your temper by now

0:25:240:25:30

because you're... whatever age you are.

0:25:300:25:33

-Then who are you going to eat?

-No options?

0:25:330:25:36

-No, apart from death.

-Gordon Ramsay.

0:25:360:25:39

And how would you kill him? Would you, like, electrify him?

0:25:390:25:42

-What, in the sea?

-Yeah, you could go, bzzzzz!

0:25:420:25:45

-Look, the important thing is you must never run away.

-And you must never shout at me.

0:25:450:25:52

OK, look, well how about this?

0:25:530:25:56

I will do my best not to shout at you.

0:25:560:26:00

And I'll do my best not to run away.

0:26:000:26:02

Yeah, that's...

0:26:020:26:05

No, hang on. Karen!

0:26:050:26:07

-Which bit of Gordon Ramsay would you eat first?

-The fattest bit?

0:26:070:26:11

I'd eat his nose because it's really big and it would last you for about a week...

0:26:110:26:15

We're dining off Gordon Ramsay's nose.

0:26:150:26:16

So, you're stranded in a lifeboat, you can get out, you've decided to kill Gordon Ramsay,

0:26:160:26:22

chop off his nose, grill it in electrified water then eat it.

0:26:220:26:27

Yeah.

0:26:270:26:29

Well, one time it had this battle in a storm, yeah, and it sank this German ship

0:26:290:26:32

and this German ship, like, had a crew of 1,000 men or something, but still all but 30 of them died.

0:26:320:26:39

Yeah, but it was crap. A really crap historical day out.

0:26:410:26:47

What?

0:26:490:26:50

-What?

-Pete...

-Sorry about that.

0:26:500:26:53

I know we said no to your mum's money, but I've been thinking.

0:26:530:26:57

Maybe we should get them a bit of tuition.

0:26:570:26:59

Maybe we should be pushing them a bit more.

0:26:590:27:02

Karen doesn't need pushing, she needs restraining.

0:27:020:27:06

Maybe with leg irons.

0:27:060:27:08

I mean obviously we don't want to be pushy parents, but we don't want to be unpushy parents.

0:27:080:27:14

Maybe we could be parents who just push their children uphill.

0:27:140:27:17

All of life's uphill, isn't it?

0:27:170:27:20

-How's your hamstring?

-It's fine.

0:27:200:27:22

-Do you know, something happened to it right at the end there just when Jake...

-Streaked past you.

0:27:220:27:27

Pete, you are going to have a talk to your mum about the whole dead marriage thing, aren't you?

0:27:270:27:32

What would it achieve? I mean, I can't mend marriages, I'm not Tricia.

0:27:320:27:36

You don't have to achieve anything, you just have to be sympathetic and...

0:27:360:27:40

Ben's on the loo, but he's run out of paper.

0:27:400:27:41

All right, I'll get him some. You two can just sit down and have a nice chat.

0:27:410:27:45

-I know where it is.

-No, I'd rather go.

-I'm very happy to do it.

-Sandra, I'll go.

0:27:450:27:49

You two just sit down and have a nice natter.

0:27:490:27:51

So...

0:27:590:28:01

-How's dad?

-Fine.

0:28:010:28:05

-How are you and dad?

-Fine, fine.

0:28:050:28:07

Mum...

0:28:070:28:09

Cup of tea?

0:28:130:28:14

Peter, I'd really like you to take this money and spend it on anything, a holiday or something.

0:28:160:28:22

-I know you're a bit short.

-It's not like you've got loads of money.

-Take it, please, as a favour to me.

0:28:220:28:29

-It's important.

-Mum, is something up?

0:28:290:28:31

-Everything's fine. And it'll be even better if you take the money.

-Something is up, isn't it?

0:28:310:28:37

-He says the pink paper's too girly, so he'll have to have kitchen paper.

-I'll take it.

0:28:370:28:41

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:440:28:47

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:470:28:50

The award-winning comedy returns, as Gran takes the Brockman family for a day's sightseeing in London. Karen is unimpressed with modern art, Jake suffers serious trauma when he is unable to text, and one of the family uses a visit to HMS Belfast for a brief re-enactment of the Second World War.


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