Episode 1 Outnumbered

-29!

-Ben, stop playing spot the chav and sit down.

I'm not telling you again.

So, the flag wasn't flying over Buckingham Palace

so the Queen's not there.

-That's right.

-So, the Queen's out wearing hats and shaking hands with people.

-The Queen's boring.

The olden day kings and queens were much better.

I mean, like, Mary burned and killed 500 people which was why she was nicknamed Bloody Mary,

but she should have been nicknamed something a bit like...Ashy Mary or Flamey Mary or Bloody Flamey Mary.

-Ben, don't...

-Number 30!

-Ben, can you stop embarrassing me?

-Sit down!

-Thank you for giving me such wonderful grandchildren.

-Well...

-I'm so proud Karen is top in her class.

I don't think the school do class positions actually, Sandra.

-But she had that badge - First In Class.

-Yeah, she made that.

We had to get her to take it off because it was causing a bit of friction with the other kids.

And teachers. And the parents.

-Everyone, actually.

-32.

-And Ben's so bright, as well.

And I love his attitude, he just throws himself into everything.

-Including septic tanks.

-Sorry?

Oh, it's a long story.

He did it for a bet. Won a conker.

The French had some great kings, like the one who thought he was made of glass.

Which one was that?

King Charles The Mad. Why can't we have somebody like that, dad?

-Well, we might have soon.

-And there was also King George III. He was cool. He talked to trees.

-Why can't we have any like that?

-We definitely have one of those.

-Argh!

-What's your problem, Jake?

It's flipping run out of battery, the stupid phone.

Oh, yeah, it's so stupid it forgot to plug itself in and recharge itself. Why do you need a phone?

So I can talk to people who aren't sarcastic.

What's this trip got to do with World War II?

This day out is supposed to be researching my World War II project.

-Not entirely. We're having a nice...

-How am I going to win if we don't go out anywhere World War II-ish?

This is so nice, chatting with you like this.

-You're more like a sister than a daughter-in-law. You're my best mate.

-Thanks.

Listen, Sue,

I'd like you to have this.

I had some National Savings Certificates and stuff, so...

£3,000! No, Sandra...

-You can use it to help get Ben and Karen into a good state secondary.

-What, do you mean for tuition?

-No, no. You know, as a donation.

-A bribe?

Well, isn't that how things work?

No! No, you have to pretend to be religious or lie about where you live.

Oh. And which are you going to do?

Neither.

Well, we did think about the religion, but it...

Well, Peter was wrong, the rain's held off.

I said, "Brenda, you should be as lucky as me.

"I've got the best daughter-in-law in the world. Oh, look at that..."

-And what can the Queen do? Can she tell her army to attack people?

-No.

Could she burn Protestants?

-No. She is a Protestant.

-Can she say who's on the Royal Variety Show?

-No.

-Well, then that's unfair!

-What's the point of being Queen if you can't boss anybody about?

-Well...

-What would happen if the Queen and the Prime Minister had a fight?

-Well, constitutionally the Prime...

No, no, no. If there was an actual fight between the Queen and the Prime Minister.

I mean, she may be old, but she might be able to stick her finger in his only eye.

-Well, I don't think Gordon Brown's...

-In some pictures it looks like Gordon Brown's got two eyes.

Do they paint the other one on?

I think if she's Queen she should be able to chop people's heads off.

The Queen can just kill people!

-She killed Diana.

-No she didn't!

-Well, her husband did.

He didn't. You've been watching Channel Five again, haven't you?

HORN BEEPS

Oh, for... It's easing off, let's get off here.

-This isn't Trafalgar Square.

-No, but it's close enough, it can't be far.

-Karen, don't run off.

What if a Prime Minister of another...

Your phone's dead, just enjoy what we're doing.

-Look, London is this amazing place where all these amazing events have happened.

-HAVE happened.

Not happening now, are they?

History, the study of stuff that's not happening any more, and you spend your life teaching it.

Listen, Sandra, it's such a lot of money I'm going to have to discuss it with Pete.

Are you absolutely sure that Ian's OK with you giving it to us?

Oh, you have talked to Ian about it, haven't you?

No, we haven't talked about it.

We never really talk about anything, to tell you the truth. To be honest, the marriage is dead.

I suppose I should divorce him really, but I can't face the paperwork.

-47!

-Ben!

Your granny is treating us to this day out so don't spoil it for everyone.

Pete, I specifically asked you not to leave me alone with your mother.

Well, you...

You're such a good listener.

Yeah, well, you need to talk to her because she wants to give us a cheque.

Hang on, we've lost Ben already.

Karen!

Die!

-Die, Aslan, die!

-Oh, God!

Here we go.

Argh, the lion is eating me! Help!

Can you tell me, please, what any of this has to do

with World War II and my project?

Yeah, I said it would take in elements of World War...

We haven't been taking in any elements of World War II.

Well, Trafalgar Square was very important and World War II, Karen.

When the war was over a lot of people came here to celebrate

and they had a big party and everyone got drunk.

-And those ones over there still haven't gone home!

-Sorry?

-Those drunks over there.

It was a... I was just... Never mind.

Hey, is your sleeve wet?

-Have you been taking money out of the fountain?

-Yes. Do you want me to get you some?

-No, I don't!

-Well, people threw it in there...

You can't take money that people have put in the fountain because it's not your money.

-That's the point.

-I know, but it's not theirs any more. Now it's the fountain's.

-The fountain can't do anything if I take it.

-No, people put money...

They're idiots. You're allowed to take money from idiots.

-But they put money in the fountain because they were making a wish.

-A wish?

-Yeah, a wish.

But why would you throw money in some water to make a wish?

-Well, I don't know, it's just...

-Look, mummy, I used to believe

in all wishes and all this nonsense, but then my wish about Ben and the hyenas didn't come true.

Hyenas?

You cannot take that dead pigeon home with you!

But it'll be a cool experiment.

I'll see which bits decompose first.

Yes, you've already done that experiment with the dead crow that your mum found in your sock drawer.

-The feathers lasted longer than the feet.

-And indeed longer than the drawer, which we had to burn.

Well, if people keep putting money in then it could build up, then all the water could flow out

-and then it could go down into the Underground.

-Well, that's not going to...

Then the trains won't be able to go because they would just slide off...

-Karen...

-And that would be the end of all London.

And I'm preventing all that from happening.

Karen, Ben? Come on, group shot. Come on, guys.

Look, a mime.

Where's my shotgun?

Right, line up.

Still, mum looks like she's having a good time, though.

She's just told me her marriage is dead.

Dead?

Yeah, she said that she and your dad don't talk any more and that the marriage is dead.

-Oh, right.

-That's awful, isn't it?

Well, I knew that her and dad haven't connected for a while...

She must be feeling miserable.

You need to talk to her.

Me?

No. No, I don't think I should. I mean, I...

I can't talk to her about personal things.

She's my mum.

So, when I say "now", could you raise your hat, please?

No, I haven't said "now", I haven't said "now". Wait, wait.

You're going to have to have a conversation with her anyway.

-Why?

-She wants to give us a cheque for £3,000.

-£3,000!

Dad, dad! I'm right, aren't I, dad?

There are four lions around Nelson's Column because Nelson had

four lions on his ship and that's why he won the war of Trafalgar.

No, I think Nelson's chances of winning the Battle of Trafalgar

would have been significantly reduced had there been lions charging around

the deck of HMS Victory.

No, because instead of having cannonballs in the canons you could have big circus cannons.

-Circus cannons.

-You could put lions in them and then you could fire them on to the other ship.

-So if...

And the lions would eat everybody and rip through the floorboards

-they'd rip the captain to shreds and end up steering the boat themselves.

-The lions would drive the ship?

Then you'd have to buy another four lions from Africa and these were the surviving ones.

The bronze ones? Don't you think the lions would have been more cross

-with the people who fired them out of a canon?

-No, because they wouldn't be able to reach them.

-Oh, because they'd be on the other ship.

-So, did Nelson have four lions or what?

No. The lions represent England.

-But lions aren't English animals!

-How many times have you seen a big...

-A lion!

..lion sitting in a Yorkshire field?

Nelson should have four English animals like a frog or a badger or a...

-a cow.

-They're not very heroic though, are they?

Or you could have, like, a big lion and then it's eating a half a cow.

-Why?

-Because, like, the lions are cool, but then it has to be English.

-Yeah, but...

-You've got to make it realistic.

-Right.

Wait, maybe you can have a chick being eaten by a Tasmanian devil.

-So, a chicken is trying to escape from a Tasmanian devil...

-Yeah.

To signify the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar?

There could be one Tasmanian devil wearing a little admiral hat just to show it was Nelson.

So you've got a statue of a Tasmanian devil in an admiral's hat eating a chicken.

Well, that's the problem of the fourth plinth solved.

OK, better shift, the mime's turning nasty.

You've got to pay me!

Have you tried talking to Ian about...

Oh, no. The talking stopped some time around 1993 I'm afraid,

and once the talking stops everything goes quiet in the bedroom department.

Not that Ian was ever James Bond between the sheets, but...

You have to talk to Pete about it. You know, sharing can help sometimes.

No, sharing just makes more people miserable.

And down there, behind the security gate and the barriers,

that's where our Prime Minister... cowers in Number 10.

If number one's a wee and number two's a pooh I would hate to be anywhere near a number 10!

-Or maybe it's five number twos!

-Urgh!

-It brings a whole new meaning to the Prime Minister's in Number 10!

-It's just brilliant.

We're sat laughing about poohs and wees on our way to somewhere where nothing's happening.

-Look, just change the record.

-Dad, no-one has records any more, you stupid idiot.

Don't call me an idiot, Jake.

I hate days out.

The museums do your feet in and the kids do your head in.

Kneel before me, puny mortals!

Ben, shh! Come down.

The page you want is always missing.

We're now in a gallery, she's turning this into a bloody route march!

So that was modern art.

-Yes, darling.

-It was rubbish.

-Well...

-There was bits of carpet stuck to the walls.

-There was just some painting.

-Well, that's quite interesting.

A globe in a fridge?

-Something like that means look at what we're doing...

-It's a globe in a fridge!

I know, but it's quite a clear representation of global warming.

But they've got a light on in that globe which is actually making it worse, isn't it?

Only in the globe because the fridge isn't on.

-It doesn't even look good.

-Well, I agree with you, Karen, it's not proper art.

-Not like the pictures we saw in the National Gallery.

-Well, the National Gallery was rubbish, too.

Well, what about the lovely van Goghs?

It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it.

And the stars were all wiggly and sprouty, it was like he was crazy or something.

-And it had nothing to do with World War II.

-She wasn't impressed with any of it.

Turner, too blurry.

Monet, too spotty.

Rubens, too many fat girls.

Rembrandt, not enough cats.

This print is ridiculously small.

So what are we supposed to spend this 3,000 on?

-I don't know, originally it was a donation to get Karen and Ben into a good school.

-A bribe?

Well, Jennifer's mum made a large donation to the new church hall.

-But she didn't get Jennifer into the church school, did she?

-No, she did!

That's why there was the big fight between her and the real Christian mums at pickup time.

God, that was embarrassing, Ben and his mates standing in a big circle chanting "bitch fight!".

-So, it was to help with the kids' education.

-I don't know, but you have to ask her.

Ben, off!

-Oh, hello. Is it working again?

-No.

-Then why are you texting?

-You're hitting keys like you're texting.

-I'm sending the text I'd be sending

if my dad hadn't brought me somewhere I can't charge my phone.

Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to mobile phones?

Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to being a prat?

-Hey, cut it out.

-Get off my case, then!

-You shouldn't say prat, Jake.

-I am not on your case.

-It's a bad word, like tosser.

-Yeah, all right, Karen.

-Yeah, you are on my case.

-Or pellock.

-Yeah.

-Or twannie.

-Look, OK, Karen.

-Or pizzock!

OK, Karen, that is not that helpful. Look, Jake, if you're...

-Look, it's not my fault you're in a bad mood, OK?

-I'm not in a bad mood.

Yes, you are, you're always in a crappy mood when gran's around!

That's the House of Commons, where the Government makes the law.

-So...

-And which was bombed in World War II, Karen.

How do they decide which laws to make?

Well, they read the Daily Mail and do what it says.

How do they decide who's Prime Minister?

There's an election and everyone votes to decide.

So, is there, like, lots of people and then they say, "The lines are now open",

and then they would say, "Oh, I've had a terrible life and my family has died."

-It doesn't work entirely like that.

-Then you vote off all the annoying ones until there's just one left

and then they go, "Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, I'm so happy I'm Prime Minister now", and start crying?

I think you're confusing democracy and The X Factor.

Ben, stay with us! Don't go wandering off with any large groups.

You don't even know what a Tamil is let alone what they're demonstrating against.

They gave me a tangerine. They were nicer than the Hare Krishnas.

Well, I don't want to see you disappearing round corners, shouting "death" to someone.

It's unfair that we don't get to vote.

You've got to have people over 18 voting because they know about the world in a way you don't.

Younger people would know who... Who are good and older people think, oh, oh, ah, I'm not quite sure.

Like granddad would think that the ugly people are good singers...

But you're talking about X Factor again.

Old people's brains are all shrivelled and not so good,

but the younger people have more big juicy intelligent brains that know lots.

-It's unfair that...

-If you're so clever, who would you vote as Prime Minister?

Simon Cowell.

Young, juicy brains.

Hey, Ben, there's a couple!

Hey, I told you to stop that chav-spotting game.

-We're not, now we're spotting lesbians.

-What? You can't do that!

-There's nothing wrong with it. Now you're being a lesbianist.

-I am not lesbian... Lesbianist.

Well, you shouldn't be prejudiced against fat people, thin people...

-I'm not!

-Men who've turned into women, women who have turned into men, gay people, ginger people...

-Karen...

-People from Liverpool.

-I'm not. I'm just saying don't shout ("lesbian!") at them in the street.

Anyway, Steph's mum's a lesbian and she's really nice.

No! Karen, no,

she's Lebanese.

-She's from the Lebanon.

-Well, still, if she was...

God, Jake is really taking lumps out of me today.

Don't let it get to you.

It's part of growing up, challenging his dad.

It's like Big Cat Diary when the young male takes on the patriarch and kicks him out of the pride.

Not that you're going to get...

I need a wee. Anybody else?

Me. Bagsy I go first.

You really don't need any money, today's my treat.

-OK, in you go.

-Well, that's very kind,

-but I'm all out of cash, so...

-Well, that's fine because you don't need any.

Ben, not so close. Ben!

-Why?

-People at cashpoints don't want others knowing their PIN numbers.

-But I can still see it from back here.

-Ben...

-But I'm not a robber, so it's OK.

-All right.

-I'm not going to tell anyone that number is 4567.

-Ben!

Sorry.

He has exceptional eyesight.

Peter, all day long is my treat.

-Well, tomorrow follows today.

-Well, what's it matter if I know her number?

-Because only the person with the card is allowed to know it.

-But I know your number is 3937.

Oh, for God's sake, Ben, this is ridiculous!

Dad, calm down, you're embarrassing us.

I'm embarrassing you! Do you know, I am sick and tired of being embarrassed in public by you lot.

Karen, I said wait!

Do you mind?

Let's just go to HMS Belfast, shall we?

There, I've brought up Google Earth on my mobile and I can use GPS to plot our route.

Or we could just use our eyes and look for a bloody great ship in the middle of the river.

BEN IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED

Dad, I'm going to blow up that big building over there.

Well, lots of bankers work there, so no-one will mind. Hang on, are you allowed up there?

Er...

-No, don't think I am.

-Well, get down, then. Come on.

What does HMS Belfast have to do with World War II?

Well, it's a large fighting ship of World War II which has been turned into museum about World War II.

So it's ALL about World War II?

-Well, virtually all, yeah.

-Well, which bits aren't?

There's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship after the end of the war.

-I don't want to see that.

-OK, fine.

Because I want to win the prize on best project on World War II.

-Well, what is the prize?

-It's a trip on HMS Belfast.

-But we're on...

-Mum, I need a wee!

Now!

Ben, come down off that mast!

This is a disabled toilet. It's illegal to go in a disabled toilet.

No, it's not illegal.

The rules say that you can't use the disabled loos unless you're desperate

because desperation is a temporary form of disability, so in you come.

Oh, OK.

If you want to find out about what happened in world wars, just ask the people who were there.

Well, we tried that with granddad in the Korean War.

Karen's class probably won't want to hear about the fight in the brothel in Seoul.

Who did we fight in the Korean War?

Get down! We were fighting the North Koreans and the Chinese,

though granddad spent most of his time fighting Americans.

-And the bloody Navy.

-Yes, and the bloody Navy.

And that big prossie who spat in his rum.

I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him.

Don't touch that!

Where's gran?

Is she avoiding us?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Someone's waiting, mummy.

Karen, do not open the door! KNOCK ON DOOR

Rahh!

-Young man!

-Yeah?

-Can I show you something?

Do that hard.

That hurts, doesn't it?

-No.

-Well, it would do if you banged your head.

-No, I tried it with my head earlier. That didn't hurt either.

-Right.

Well, just be careful, we don't want anyone getting hurt, do we?

It's a warship.

It sank the Scharnhorst.

Well, all I'm saying is that getting hurt isn't cool.

You don't have kids, do you?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah, all right! Can't you see it's engaged?

KNOCK ON DOOR

All right!

Mummy, why are you limping?

-Shift, Karen.

-But why are you limping?

Die, Nazi scum, die!

Send those Germans to hell!

OK, Ben, come on, out you come.

-Come on, now.

-I've to sink that Kraut submarine.

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

All ahead full, Number One.

All ahead full. All ahead full.

Torpedo on the starboard bow, sir.

Torpedo on the starboard bow. Hard to port, hard to port!

My God, we've been hit!

What's the damage, Smugger?

I'm afraid, she's going down.

Mayday, Mayday!

Abandon ship, abandon ship!

HE IMITATES A KLAXON

-Ben! Ben, mum said you have to come downstairs.

-But it was him!

-Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number 42 bus!

-He's the leader of the free world, he can do what he wants.

How am I supposed to win the prize for best project on World War II if you won't take me to Dunkirk?

Oh, for... Dunkirk is in Belgium.

-Look, sweetheart, winning isn't everything. No-one can win all the time.

-Well, I can.

I can smell success in my sweat.

Karen, I've told you, The Apprentice is not a suitable show for a seven year old!

-God, what's Ben up to.

-I love that do-or-die spirit in her, don't you?

-I'm not sure doing or dying is entirely necessary in a seven year old.

-Yes, but...

-Are you and gran going to argue?

-Of course not, darling. When have we ever done that?

Well, when gran said you should get a job at the private sector.

-Look, can you just...

-What is the private sector?

-Karen, can you...

Ben, mum says come downstairs.

HE IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED

Ahh!

Thank you for the offer, it is very kind, but we just don't need your money.

They're doing fine at school, we just want them to be happy.

I want them to be happy, of course I do, but are...average people happy?

-Is this is about me?

-Everything isn't about you, Peter.

-I very nearly made head of history last year.

-And that's terrific.

-Who did?

-Look, Mum, we just don't...

-You said you wouldn't argue.

-No-one is having an argument.

-We're having an argument.

-No, we're not.

-Well, if I think we're having an argument and you think we're not, that's arguing.

You see...

very bright.

But I'm telling you, it was really him.

Ben, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not be going through a litter bin.

How do you know? Maybe he wrote a song and then chucked it away by accident.

If only!

-Ben, don't wander off.

-You may be faster than me over a short distance, but you can't keep it up.

-Yes, I can do it, I can sprint for way longer than you.

-No you can't.

-Yes, dad!

Pete, Big Cat Diary.

-Right, Karen! Come on, everyone, let's get going before rush hour, Ben and commuters don't mix.

-Go!

Oh, for God's...

Sue, trouble brewing.

Oh, well, if he wants to give him his money then that's up to him.

I think he's trying to buy his dog.

Oh, n... No, Ben!

Oi! Idiot!

Oh, God!

Daddy just knocked over that woman.

All I'm saying, and I've said it again and again, is don't run off like that.

-You shouldn't have been rude about my project...

-Yes, well...

You said "I hope she comes last with her bloody project."

-Well...

-That's what you said.

-Yes.

OK. Here's one for you.

You're drifting in a lifeboat with granddad, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and David Tennant.

-Right.

-Which one would you eat first?

Eat first?

Because you're stranded and you can't get out. You're in a big sea which has electrified water.

-But you shouted.

-No, look, I'm sorry I shouted, but you shouldn't have run away like that.

You gave us a terrible fright. We couldn't find you.

Well, that's because I was hiding.

Yes. But it's not kind to...

But I'm only seven and I'm still learning, but you should have learnt to keep your temper by now

because you're... whatever age you are.

-Then who are you going to eat?

-No options?

-No, apart from death.

-Gordon Ramsay.

And how would you kill him? Would you, like, electrify him?

-What, in the sea?

-Yeah, you could go, bzzzzz!

-Look, the important thing is you must never run away.

-And you must never shout at me.

OK, look, well how about this?

I will do my best not to shout at you.

And I'll do my best not to run away.

Yeah, that's...

No, hang on. Karen!

-Which bit of Gordon Ramsay would you eat first?

-The fattest bit?

I'd eat his nose because it's really big and it would last you for about a week...

We're dining off Gordon Ramsay's nose.

So, you're stranded in a lifeboat, you can get out, you've decided to kill Gordon Ramsay,

chop off his nose, grill it in electrified water then eat it.

Yeah.

Well, one time it had this battle in a storm, yeah, and it sank this German ship

and this German ship, like, had a crew of 1,000 men or something, but still all but 30 of them died.

Yeah, but it was crap. A really crap historical day out.

What?

-What?

-Pete...

-Sorry about that.

I know we said no to your mum's money, but I've been thinking.

Maybe we should get them a bit of tuition.

Maybe we should be pushing them a bit more.

Karen doesn't need pushing, she needs restraining.

Maybe with leg irons.

I mean obviously we don't want to be pushy parents, but we don't want to be unpushy parents.

Maybe we could be parents who just push their children uphill.

All of life's uphill, isn't it?

-How's your hamstring?

-It's fine.

-Do you know, something happened to it right at the end there just when Jake...

-Streaked past you.

Pete, you are going to have a talk to your mum about the whole dead marriage thing, aren't you?

What would it achieve? I mean, I can't mend marriages, I'm not Tricia.

You don't have to achieve anything, you just have to be sympathetic and...

Ben's on the loo, but he's run out of paper.

All right, I'll get him some. You two can just sit down and have a nice chat.

-I know where it is.

-No, I'd rather go.

-I'm very happy to do it.

-Sandra, I'll go.

You two just sit down and have a nice natter.

So...

-How's dad?

-Fine.

-How are you and dad?

-Fine, fine.

Mum...

Cup of tea?

Peter, I'd really like you to take this money and spend it on anything, a holiday or something.

-I know you're a bit short.

-It's not like you've got loads of money.

-Take it, please, as a favour to me.

-It's important.

-Mum, is something up?

-Everything's fine. And it'll be even better if you take the money.

-Something is up, isn't it?

-He says the pink paper's too girly, so he'll have to have kitchen paper.

-I'll take it.

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