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I was sorting out the computer after it crashed
and I noticed that someone had downloaded an inappropriate image.
Was it you?
Well, it could be... was it the farting nun?
No, Ben it was not the farting nun.
-Was it the tree man?
Or that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind? That's cool.
-Or was it that evil clown song...
-Oh, I know! Is it the Pekinese dog and the lawnmower? That made me want to throw up.
-Ben, I think you know what I'm talking about.
-It's a rude part of a lady with no clothes on.
-Which rude part?
The...top rude part.
What, both top rude parts or just one?
Ben! Did you download it or not?
Next on Britain's Got Talent is...Hippo!
Right, now, Hippo, what are you going to do for us today?
I'm going to eat all the chocolate I can eat in memory of my mother.
OK, then...er...off you go.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
All right, over to Simon Cowell.
That wasn't very impressive because, after a while, you were sick everywhere
and the Queen would not like to see that at all.
And now over to Piers.
This act symbolizes everything that's great about Britain.
I hated it.
Now over to Ant and Dec.
Well, sorry to hear about that, but our next contestant is Elephant.
-Maybe a robber broke in and downloaded it.
-Or Dad could have done it.
-Why would your Dad have a large picture of a woman's...chest?
Well, Craig's dad does. He has lots of pictures of women.
You have to pay Craig 50p to see one.
Well. I'm going to talk to you more about that in a moment.
But right now, downloading something like that is inappropriate and...
What does inappropriate mean? Only I hear it a lot and does it mean naughty?
It means, eh...behaviour that...
it's not appropriate.
Behaviour that's out of place.
-Out of what place?
-Yes, it means naughty.
So...good day, Mum?
No, not... Not too bad, thanks.
Hello, and what's your name? I'm Elephant and I am performing in memory of my mother
who was savaged to death by ostriches.
OK, and what are you going to do for us today?
I'm going to set my head on fire.
Off you go, then.
Set my head on fire...
Pckkkk! Ow-w-w-w! Pckkkk!
Now over to Piers.
It symbolizes everything that's great about this country.
Now over to Ant and Dec.
Oh, dear, I'm sitting on Ant.
Why's this jam jar full of...
One of Ben's projects. Listen, Pete, have you asked your mum about why she's so keen to give us that 3,000?
D'you know I just, I just haven't had the chance...
we really haven't had a moment to talk.
Cos it's odd. Cos she's normally so careful with her money. Now it's...
Hey, Dad, want a game of chess?
-I'm really, really good.
You know this chess club he's been going to?
-They've asked him to play in an inter-schools tournament tomorrow...
It's probably one of those inclusion things. You know, everyone gets a game even if they're rubbish.
Give him a chance. In some ways he's quite a sophisticated thinker.
So this computer thing...
you think it was him?
I mean he does have form when it comes to downloading...
-Yeah. Did YouTube ever get back to you about that?
Yeah, according to their cyber-citizenship guidelines,
because I'm only in it from the neck down, they're not obliged to remove it,
although they are giving it a parental guidance warning.
D'you know, I don't think this was Ben...and Jake swears it wasn't him, either.
OK, Ben. We're a bishop short, so you've got Darth Vader.
What do they mean when a woman is size zero?
Because zero is nothing so then they'd be invisible.
It just means she's very skinny...
but a woman can be any size or shape she wants.
What about a hexagon?
Well. No...I meant it could be...
Or a triangle, because triangles are...
No, I meant it doesn't matter if a woman is thin or fat.
What if you were like this.
-Would that be OK?
-There's a man in Mexico and...
er... he has to get a crane to get him out of bed, he's so fat. Is that all right?
-Oh... Well, no...
-What is too fat? Is it...
Would you like to watch some television?
Y'know I've been thinking about those, er...
that image on the computer.
-It could be Mum who put it on there.
-Me! I found it.
She who smelt it, dealt it.
Ben, you need to concentrate.
Y'see this morning, I walked in on my mum using the computer,
and as soon as she saw me she closed it down really fast.
So you're saying that your 68-year-old mother
has turned gay and is downloading soft porn onto the computer?
No, no, of course not.
Come on, Ben, it's your move.
-No, not annoying Jane, your sister Jane.
-Oh, right. OK.
-Mum, er, Gavin rang.
-Duh! Gavin. You know the estate agent?
He said some people are coming to look at the house.
-Oh, right, when?
-Er...seven o'clock tonight.
Why didn't you tell me?
-I did tell you, just now.
-But that's one hour from now.
-Hang on, hang on a sec.
-I'll help you tidy up.
-Oh, great... thank you.
I'll tell Gavin they can't come.
-I don't care if they come or not because I'm not moving.
It's Sue Brockman. We can't do a viewing tonight.
And in future if you talk to a teenager, please assume we haven't got the message.
I don't mind everybody else moving, but I'm staying here.
OK, I'll tell the estate agent to put that in the details,
"Delightful semi with south-facing garden and built-in seven-year-old."
Well, I'm staying here,
and that is all I have to say on the matter.
Sue. can I just have a word...
-Go on then.
Oh, a word.
It's all right, I'm going upstairs.
Anyway, the reason Jane rang is because Mum has offered her a couple of thousand as well.
-And she's sent a cheque for £800 to Lucille.
Well, why don't you just ask your Mum what's going on?
I mean, she's going home tomorrow, so....
Well, she wouldn't tell Jane. And she quite likes Jane.
You know, something's up, what do you reckon?
Ben's eaten all the toothpaste again!
Well, get some out of the cupboard.
Ah, I see what you're up to.
-Ben, can you just...
Ben. Ben! Please. No strafing in the kitchen.
We don't want another friendly fire incident with the wine rack!
Listen, Pete, maybe we should accept that money from your mum. I mean, she obviously wants us to have it.
Oh, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right.
-But you were comfortable enough accepting those gifts from my Dad.
A Betamax video recorder, a cider press and a Chinese soldier's jawbone from the Korean War.
Well, OK, but, is that still under you pillow?
No, I sold it to Ibrahim.
-Is Anusol toothpaste?
No! No. Wait there. Don't touch anything, I'm coming.
Right, let's see.
-Don't be silly, Ben, it can't be checkmate, we've only just...
-Karen, come back and finish...
-Stop nagging me, Daddy, I've told you. I've finished my breakfast.
I know it was you who downloaded that woman's...image.
Have you been looking at my emails?
-saw them, yes.
-Now THAT is out of order.
You're a bit burpy.
You should see a burpologist. Is that what the doctor said?
No, he didn't, and don't cherry pick the muesli.
There aren't any cherries in the muesli.
You know what I mean.
You pick out all the good bits. The last third of the packet is like eating dust.
It's natural sifting - it happens in the tundra.
The largest rocks reach the surface.
Oh, not the tundra excuse again.
Why did you download that image onto the family computer?
Cos Ben melted my laptop.
-And also the resolution on my phone is crap...
-Jake. Why did you lie to me?
Cos I knew you'd just go and throw yourself into some over-reaction like this.
I am not over-reacting, come back!
-It was him?
-Yeah, I had trouble sleeping last night so I had another go at sorting out the computer
and, unsurprisingly, it was Warren who sent him the email.
Oh, and Jake's been on one of those internet poker sites.
-I didn't have a chance to broach that one with him.
-And I don't want to worry you...
-Now I AM worried. Go on.
You know you said your Mum turned the computer off suddenly?
Well, someone's been looking up symptoms of intestinal cancer.
-So, what with that and her trying to give all her money away...
Dad, do you want another game of chess?
-Er...there's not really time, Ben.
-Who won last night?
-Oh. Ben won.
-I kicked his sorry butt.
You went easy on him? You shouldn't do that... it's not good for children.
You certainly never went easy on me.
I particularly remember my crushing defeat at Scrabble...
because I was still upset at the start of my birthday party.
My fifth birthday party.
But if you let children win, you cheat them of that moment when they really beat you for the first time.
And if we keep playing Scrabble, Peter, that moment might still come.
Well, it already would have if you hadn't spelt quasi with a Z.
-It's an alternative spelling.
-In Norway, maybe.
-Anyway I don't think you should let Ben win.
All right then, Mum, why don't... why don't you play him and beat him?
Maybe you're right. It's important that kids learn how to lose, isn't it?
-We don't have time, we have to leave for school...
-You can start now
-and finish this evening, I'll set up the board up.
-OK, just let me get dressed.
I've been meaning to ask...
what is that thing?
Oh, that's the elephant in the room, we never talk about that.
No...it's the eleph...
It's an express... Oh, never mind.
He still hasn't written back to me. Why hasn't he written back to me?
Well, he's probably busy.
being President of the United States.
Tony Blair wrote back to me about the badgers.
Yeah, but that probably wasn't him, that was one of his secretaries.
-Karen, you've got your top on back to front.
-But you said that it was him!
You were four at the time, so we probably let you think that.
You lied! What would Tony Blair have said if he knew that you lied to a four-year-old?
-They do that a lot.
They accuse us of lying but it's them that lie most.
There is a difference between letting a small child down gently and downloading porn.
It's not porn cos A - I didn't have to pay for it and B - it was taken in a public place.
Well, hang on that's... What public place?
-Who's it of?
Miss Murchison... she lives opposite him.
-It's one of your teachers?!
Well, how do you think she'd feel if she knew there were naked pictures of her going around the school?
-It's OK, we didn't include her face.
-The tall one with the red hair.
That doesn't make it better, Jake, and what's more...
Pete, don't go near that computer...
-What's more we need to have a serious conversation.
-In the living room, now.
-Dad, look at this...
Come here, look. Reader's Digest says that we have definitely won £500,000 pounds.
And that it's in a bank account ready to be transferred into your bank account when we're ready.
-£500,000! Wow, that's so much money! We could buy loads of stuff!
-We could buy everything!
We can buy... We can buy... We can buy a massive mansion made out of gold and...
I would buy a robotic dragon
with a flame thrower on its tongue.
I could buy a TV which you could walk inside, it's like the size of the door.
What about those magazines you buy?
Those celebrities probably don't want their pictures taken, yet you still go out and buy the magazines.
Well. I don't buy them.
I occasionally pick them up off trains and bring them home...
-Can I just go, please?
No, this is serious, very serious. In fact, what you've done is actually a criminal offence.
What criminal offence is it?
Well it's... receiving stolen...
-You could get in big trouble here.
Oh, yeah, a time machine!
-Buy a time machine.
-And you could see us when we're older.
Or I'd buy the Amazon rainforest.
Or I'd buy school and then close it down.
What would poor Miss Murchison do if she knew about all this?
-Jake, this is very serious!
-And we haven't even got on to the poker yet.
The poker you've been playing on the computer.
-I never did that.
-You said you never did this!
-I should probably get going to school, to be honest.
Or to save the polar bears. You'd have enough money to drop massive ice cubes and bits of ice onto...
onto the...onto where they are so they can be saved!
Or we could just buy 500,000 Magnums.
OK, Ben. Now I warn you I'm going to play my absolute best.
-Which do you want to be, black or white?
Because it's the colour of death.
I mean, they're just teenage boys.
They're like baboons on heat in school uniform.
But unless someone does something they'll turn into baboons on heat in suits and ties.
What if the girls in your school were circulating pictures of you in the...
Actually, let's not even think about that.
They do have ringtones of Jeff Castle,
the relief art teacher, in bed...
How in God's name did they...?
Oh, it was 11J, best not to ask if you want a car that still works at four o'clock.
-Y'see, there are some things you can't do while playing your Game Boy.
Yeah, that's what the man on my cycling proficiency test said.
-Come on, let's get everyone moving.
you don't seem that worried about your mum and all that medical stuff on the computer.
-No, no, I am.
-Cos don't you think it's a bit odd... Oh, God, it's you, isn't it?
I was just...
checking out all the various possibilities on my stomach symptoms.
But you know you only frighten yourself when you do that.
It's like that time we got back from Morocco and you convinced yourself you had rabies.
It's just that when Dr Benjamin said he was sending me for those tests, I thought...
-he looked a bit worried.
-But he always looks worried, he's got that lazy eye.
Come on, everyone, we need to go in two minutes.
Look, don't worry about it, you cycled 40 miles last weekend - you're obviously really fit.
Has he got another pain?
Men and their ailments, eh?
Don't be silly, Ben, that's not...
No, I think that IS checkmate.
Now, I thought you...
I... I didn't want to discourage him on the day of his tournament.
But aren't you, er...cheating him out of that moment when he beats you for real for the first time?
You planned that, didn't you?
We almost certainly haven't won a prize and it's nearly tea time, so...
-What do you mean we haven't won a prize?
-Look. It's not...
It says, "You have won £500,000." Can't you read, Mummy?
They make it look like that so you buy their magazines.
Well, if it means £500,000, let's buy their magazines. They don't cost that much.
Listen, Karen, we are not getting any money.
But I've already spent it.
-I promised Maisie Warburton £10,000 for this glow-in-the-dark pen.
Well, you'll have to give it back.
No. It was no returns. You'll have to give her the £10,000, cos you don't want to end up in court.
-Because I think you'd probably lose, Mummy.
Hang on, why's Janice emailing me about nothing?
I didn't even know she had my...
God, I could quite happily destroy this computer, all the trouble it causes.
Don't worry about Jake and those pictures.
To be honest, Sandra, I'm more worried about his late-night poker.
-That wasn't Jake.
-Well, I'd have said the same about Miss Murchinson's.
It wasn't Jake.
-So does Ben get his chess genes from you?
(I, er... I play a little bit.)
(Grayson, the boy he's playing, he's never lost a local tournament before.
(Ben's giving him quite a game.)
-So how long have you been addicted to these sites?
-I'm not sure I'd use the word addicted.
Well, if you've lost more than £4,000...
This sounds pathetic, but I've been feeling so lonely...
and all the guys I've been playing with - Mongo, Middlesex Fats, the Colchester Kid, Boner,
Aceface, Dogend... it felt like a community.
It's a community that took you for four grand.
And that's why I've been trying so hard to give my money away to all of you, y'know,
so that I don't just fritter it away on...
Look, Sandra, I really think you should...
open up to Pete about this.
-Oh, you mustn't tell Peter.
-Well, I can't keep it from him.
Oh. All right...
but families worked much better before this talking fad started.
One more battle noise like that and I shall have to disqualify him.
Ben... easy on the battle noises, OK?
This is chess, not soccer.
Clip, clop, clip, clop, neighhhhhh!
-It wasn't a battle noise!
It was a horsey noise.
It wasn't a battle noise... it was a horsey noise.
One final chance.
Dear Barack Obama,
beginning to lose
What are you writing to him about now?
About how they said that we had won a prize but we actually hadn't
and that everyone from Readers Digest should go to jail
and have to wee in a bucket and only have a budgie to talk to.
I'm not sure you can go to jail for...misleading offers.
Some people say that jail is quite nice, is that true?
I think that's just the Daily Mail says that.
It's not nice to have your freedom taken away, is it?
They don't even have to go in prisons. If they're really bad
they should just be put in holes in the ground with...
you know the things that go over a gutter, the big plates,
with that over. And so that they stay in the dark...
and they have to eat soup and they don't even put the soup in a bowl,
-they just pour it down into the hole and they have to eat it with their hands off of the mud.
They should make it really horrible and anyone who does a bad thing, er,
that could hurt someone and they were over ten...
-should go to jail.
BEN IMITATES TICKING CLOCK
No mind games, please.
It's not mind games, he's bored.
Cos ole' speccy swotty chops is taking so long.
That's her son.
That's her son?
She's the referee and that's her son?
Actually, I'm an adjudicator.
-Have you a problem with that?
-Yes, I have. I can just see that in the Premiership.
Wayne Rooney has been awarded a penalty by his mum because Frank Lampard has been mean to him.
Can I remind you that we play in silence?
Oh, you've got all these rules but you haven't got a rule which says the referee can't be someone's mum!
You swan in here, your first tournament, and you think that...
Excuse me, we're trying to concentrate here.
-Die, Bishop, die!
Right! You were warned. You are now...
Eat dirt, Queenie... Kapow!
Grayson. Grayson, stop that at once.
Grayson, stop that. Grayson, please.
-Silence, boys! Boys...
Right. So you're going to put the prisoners in fridges and ovens now, are you?
Well, you don't turn the oven ON.
You turn it on a tiny bit and after they're in there for about half an hour,
then you take them out and you put them in the fridge,
and once they're in there for a half an hour
you keep swapping so that they never get too hot or too cold.
Yeah. I think that one's been done.
I think Stalin had that idea.
What d'you mean?
-By the way, Karen, you didn't tell anyone at school about us winning a prize, did you?
-We told everyone.
And what exactly did you tell them?
That we won £500,000 and that we were now the richest people in school
and Ben said that he would buy the school three whiteboards and a leopard.
Right, well, that explains a lot...
particularly the odd look Celia gave me at pick-up when I asked to borrow 20p for the meter.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Kitty.
It must be so difficult to make ends meet.
While we're on the subject, you didn't hear of us winning half a million pounds, did you?
Cos... cos we didn't.
Oh, God, no, no, I know that's not why you rang!
No. No... Don't be silly...
No, no, no.
No, no, bye.
-Can I go on the computer?
-He's made a chess buddy.
You're through to Sue's phone.
We have not, repeat not, won half a million pounds.
Please leave a message if you still want to.
I've told my mates they have to delete Miss Murchison's breasts
and stop sending them out, but you know I can't do anything about the other schools.
-It is a world wide web, Mum.
Yeah, but this won't have gone worldwide, will it?
OK, I'm not going to follow that one up.
God, I hate the internet! It's full of porn and kids have access
to all sorts of scary stuff that no-one understands.
Yeah, well, I felt like that at 13 without the internet.
Yeah but you didn't go to Richie's sleepover and watch
the Taliban video of some poor tribesman getting his head sawn off.
Well, we were lucky he didn't understand what he was watching.
He thought it was a David Copperfield thing and they were going to put the head back on afterwards.
-Well, that's me packed up and ready to go.
-Ben, I've got something to show you.
It's in the garden. Front garden.
I'm trying to do something, can't you see that?
So I suppose Sue's told you about the gambling?
-I suppose we need to sort this whole thing out.
-I have - internet disconnected, credit cards frozen.
I've asked to be banned from the sites and if you and your sister accept the money I'm offering
then there's no chance I'll relapse, so it's all sorted, OK?
OK. It's... It's just that sometimes, Mum, these addictions,
it can be hard to stop because it goes a lot deeper.
Is there something deeper you'd like to talk about?
Peter, I think Sue would really like us to spend some time opening up to each other.
-What's this supposed to do?
-It's cyber-vigil software, it blocks your children
-from inappropriate websites.
-Yeah, but I can clone that off Oscar's mum's computer.
Yeah, well, I decided to buy it rather than steal it.
That is so weird.
-So quick cup of tea anyone? I'm making.
-Everything all right, you two?
Had a good... good natter?
-Yes, it was lovely... it was...really cleared the air.
-Yeah, very good...
Should have done it a long time ago.
There's an e-mail here,
says that Ben's school has been banned from the chess league.
Does it say why?
Oh, something must have happened after we left.
Come on, do we really have to bother with this cyber-visual thing?
-Yes, we do. Absolutely.
Because as responsible parents we need something to defend this family
from the dark and dangerous tentacles of the internet.
-Except we need you to install it, cos we can't make head or tail of it.
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