Episode 4 Outnumbered


Episode 4

Award-winning sitcom about the Brockman family - Mum, Dad and their three children. Dad struggles against a rising tide of superstition, astrology and conspiracy theories.


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Transcript


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Ooh! Karen, have you turned off the hot water again?

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Don't you want to save polar bears?

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HE GROANS

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-Ah! Die, infidel dog!

-Ben.

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-Ah!

-I've got a bit of a headache.

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So if you could just go easy on the deafening roaring, it would be...

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Why is your face grey?

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I've just...

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You look like somebody's shaded you in with a pencil.

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I'm just... If you... Just keep it down, OK?

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Karen, I can't hear any movement.

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Oh! Just...

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You haven't developed OCD, have you?

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No. The estate agent rang.

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We've finally got a nibble,

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and there's a couple coming round this afternoon,

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so I've got to make this place clean and tidy and presentable.

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Yeah, well, good luck with that.

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You're practising for a game called Crusades?

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Yeah, at break time, I'm going to be Richard the Lionheart,

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Ibrahim's going to be Saladin,

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and all the girls are going to play the innocent civilians...

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who get massacred.

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Right.

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You smell like that relief teacher who didn't stay very long.

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You know, the one with the shaky hand

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and who always used to cry for no reason.

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This is solid! Oh, God.

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Ben hasn't been mixing cement in the sink again, has he?

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The kitchen is very messy, Mummy.

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Yes, I know that, thank you. That's why I...

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Karen! You're still in your pyjamas!

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-Come on! Chop chop.

-No, I'm not going to school today.

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Oh, don't be stupid, darling.

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I'm not being stupid. Watch my lips.

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-I am not going to school today.

-Oh, really? And why is that?

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Because I'm scared.

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Scared?

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Rahh!

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HE IMITATES GUNFIRE

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-Dad?

-Yes?

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What's the point of living?

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-The point of...?

-Yeah.

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Why do we live?

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Well...I don't know.

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I've got a head...

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That is an enormous question

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that has puzzled mankind down through the ages.

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OK. Just asking.

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SHAVER BUZZES

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HE GROANS

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Why are you scared, Karen? You like going to school.

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Yes, but today I'm staying at home,

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because that way nothing bad can happen to me.

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Well, what do you mean, sweetheart?

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Nothing bad's going to happen to you.

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Why should anything bad happen to you?

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Because today is Friday the 13th.

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No, darling. That's just a silly superstition.

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Nothing bad is going to happen.

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But something bad has already happened. My goldfish died.

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Er... That was on Monday.

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Yes, the Monday in the same week as Friday the 13th.

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-Oh, that's ridiculous!

-It's not ridiculous.

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Oh, Friday the 13th is not an especially unlucky day. It's just...

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Tell that to Mrs B.

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Her husband dropped dead in Woolworths on Friday the 13th.

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Are you saying that's not unlucky?

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Well, no, dropping dead is quite unlucky. But...

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And it was unlucky for Woolworths as well,

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because not long after that they closed.

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-But that was the recess...

-Listen, Karen.

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Mrs B is a very nice, kind, old lady.

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She just happens to be very superstitious.

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-Yes, but she knows stuff.

-And some of what she says...

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And she told me all the things that can bring bad luck.

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Whistling in the house, which you do all the time,

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and it's probably why my goldfish died.

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-Karen, there is no connection between...

-No, because...

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..the death of a fish and me whistling occasionally.

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When Ben broke the mirror,

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the same day he cut his foot.

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Because the mirror fell on his foot.

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And you're always opening umbrellas in the house,

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and that's probably why you can't clean up all this mess.

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I can't keep the kitchen clean, because you lot create such a...

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-Karen, look...

-I'm not going to school!

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-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS You are going to school! Now go and get dressed.

-Oh, no.

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Don't make me go to school. If you don't believe in bad luck...

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What's all this about?

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She's refusing to go to school, because it's Friday the 13th,

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and she thinks something bad's going to happen.

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Something bad will happen. Mrs B told me.

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Right. That's the last time she comes to baby sit.

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Well, let's not be hasty, Pete.

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Mrs B is a good baby sitter.

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She's great with the kids and very calm.

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And she's old and lonely, so she's always available.

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-Yes, but...

-I like it when Mrs B comes.

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She shows me how to bake cakes

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and she reads me lovely bedtime stories...

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See?

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And last time she came, she brought her tarot cards, and Ben got Death.

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-Yeah, that was cool.

-Look, you're going to school.

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Look, it's just another day. Nothing especially bad is going to happen.

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How can you say that?

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You've already been sick this morning, in the toilet.

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Has he?

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-Yeah, he was going...

-SHE RETCHES

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-"Jesus. Oh, God..."

-SHE RETCHES

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-"Oh, my God, I feel terrible."

-SHE RETCHES

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-Yes, that's enough...

-"Oh, God, I..."

-SHE RETCHES

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-"Oh, Jesus. "

-OK. All right.

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Oh, that's so unfair. I wish I had seen that.

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And I think Jesus only helps poor people with diseases.

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I don't think he helps people with bad tummies on Friday the 13th.

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Were there carrots in it or, like, were there any peas in it?

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-OK.

-Listen, you two...

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That's why I don't eat vegetables.

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Dad throwing up has nothing to do with today being Friday the 13th.

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All that happened was last night he went to a leaving do,

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got paralytic, staggered home in the early hours of the morning

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and fell into bed stinking like a brewery.

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That's right, isn't it, Mum?

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Karen? Karen, look at me.

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You're safe to go into school today,

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cos I promise you

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that Friday the 13th is no more dangerous than any other day.

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All right?

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OK.

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That's not strictly true,

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because Friday the 13th is more dangerous,

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because it was Friday the 13th when all those teenagers got killed.

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See?

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-They were all camping by a lake...

-Ben, that's a film.

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And Friday the 13th in the same lake a few years ago...

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-It's a film.

-..a boy had murdered his mother.

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And then his mum's spirit comes to present day...

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-Film.

-..and murdered all the teenagers.

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-Ben!

-All that happened on Friday the 13th.

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So I shouldn't go to school either.

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Ben, it's a movie, it's not...

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Hang on, when did he see Friday The 13th?

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It's way too scary for a 9 year old.

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It's not that scary.

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But when did...?

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Maisie's sleepover.

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Oh, for...! Karen, go and get changed for school.

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No, I'm not going and I mean it.

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And I mean it!

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I'm just not in the mood, OK?

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So last night was worth it, was it?

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Oh, it was OK.

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How come you got so wrecked? It's years since you've done that.

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Oh, I don't know. I got ambushed by these bright green cocktails.

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Oh, well, that explains the toilet.

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It's stupid. It's not doing my stomach any good.

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What time did you get in?

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Oh, I don't know. Three-ish?

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I did text you about midnight to tell you I was going to be late.

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Oh, is that what it said?

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Well, it's difficult to text when you're drunk.

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You lose control of your thumbs.

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Yeah. The last bit had nine consecutive Ws.

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Sorry.

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You upset me when you shouted at me.

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Did I?

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Karen? Karen, I know you're dawdling deliberately.

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I'm looking for my shoes, OK?

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Well, could they be these shoe shaped objects

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here in the middle of the room?

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Rahh!

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How am I going to get this place tidied before they come to view it?

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Have you explained to the people yet

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that whatever happens I'll not be moving

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and I'll be staying on in my room?

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No, I thought I'd let that be a lovely surprise.

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Go and get dressed.

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When we move, can we move to Australia,

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because Australia's brilliant and they've got the two step spider,

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because it bites you and then when you walk two steps, you die.

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Don't oversell it, now.

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Ooh, and do you know how kangaroos keep cool in the desert?

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-No.

-They cover themself in their own saliva.

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Eugh!

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If we move to Australia, we could buy a kangaroo

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and then we could bottle its saliva and use it instead of suntan lotion.

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Bottle kangaroo saliva?

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It would be better at airports,

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because they always take your sun cream and then glare at you a bit

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and then they give it back to you.

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Yeah.

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But if you've got the kangaroo with you, they can't take the kangaroo,

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cos the kangaroo doesn't want to be taken.

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So you take the kangaroo to the airport...?

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What's this you're printing?

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It's just, um, a really interesting website I found on the internet

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about how the attack on the Twin Towers was, like, orchestrated by George Bush.

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It's for my history project.

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Yeah, well, that's not really history, as such, is it?

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That's more sort of, er...bollocks.

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You don't seriously sign up for this rubbish, do you?

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-Well, I'm not sure it makes total sense, no, but...

-Thank you.

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..you've got to admit there's something weird

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about the way those towers collapsed.

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And there's this other spider which hides under your toilet seat

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and then when you go to the toilet, it jumps out and bites you.

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And going to the toilet is quite boring, but this makes it much more exciting.

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Hang on, there's a slice of pizza down here! Is that yours?

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Is it a margherita?

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Er...no.

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Ah, then it's not mine.

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-No, Dad, that is crap.

-Wait, hang on.

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How do these people

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at I'll-believe-anything- because-I'm-a-gullible-idiot.com

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explain the fact that Osama bin Laden

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went on television and said that he had attacked the Twin Towers?

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Ah, but did he?

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Yes. Yes, he did. DOORBELL RINGS

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-Jake...can you get that?

-But the CIA could have easily...

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It'll be Melanie. She's going to take them to school

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so I've more time to get this straight.

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When are you going to hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?

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Um...Monday. Why?

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Can you ask if you can keep the film?

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-Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.

-Show and t...?

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No. I don't want everyone in your school knowing about my colonoscopy.

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They already know. Karen put it on Facebook.

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But...

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And Mum told all the other mums at pick-up time.

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Well, not all the mums.

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Well, it's not a secret, is it?

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No, I'd just rather it wasn't the lead item on the news.

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Hi, Jake.

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-Hi, Melanie. They're on their way.

-Oh, right.

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-Hi, Kelly. How's it going?

-So, how are you?

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Fine.

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I hear you're turning into a bit of a star striker.

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Look, see, Libra's facing unexpected difficulties.

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That's proof that I shouldn't go to school today.

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It's astrology. It's not proof of anything except human stupidity.

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-Now, come on, move it.

-You'll regret this!

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What happens if you send me to school,

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and then on the way I get ripped apart by ferocious huge bears?

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You'd be sorry then, wouldn't you?

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Yep, I'd be in pieces.

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And so would you. Keep moving.

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Thanks, Mel. You're a lifesaver.

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Come on, Jake, shift yourself. You'll be late.

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-Come on, we've got to leave. Come on, Ben.

-Shift!

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Yeah, sorry?

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And put your tongue in. We don't want you tripping over it.

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-Hi, Melanie!

-Hiya.

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Don't forget your masterpiece on how Bush destroyed the Twin Towers.

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Oh, God. All that conspiracy stuff's pretty daft, isn't it?

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At last, the voice of reason.

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Mind you, there was something a bit weird

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about the way those towers collapsed.

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-Ah!

-There, see?

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Ben, don't go rushing off on your own!

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We don't want another letter from the social services.

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Good luck with the colonoscopy, Pete.

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My brother had one, said it was fine. See ya!

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I expect she saw that on Ceefax.

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-See ya.

-Bye!

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Get the crossbow, cos we need to win this war!

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Oh, my God.

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Hiya!

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-Sorry, wrong house.

-This took me seven hours.

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Seven hours?

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Yeah, well, I lost the first hour working out where to start,

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but I soon got cracking

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and I found an old wasps' nest,

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your missing passport that we had to replace

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and two German road signs.

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Cleaning Ben's room alone took me three hours.

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You cleaned Ben's room? My God!

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That place looked like... the apocalypse.

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Where did you put all his crap?

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Right.

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How was school?

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Oh, we had the police in with some handwriting experts

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after the latest death threat to the headmaster.

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I mean, personally, I don't think it could have been one of our pupils

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who wrote the death threats, because the grammar's too good,

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and the word "disembowel" is spelt correctly.

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It's probably one of the teachers...

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..like last time.

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-Ow.

-Are you all right?

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Yeah, it's just some clown clattered into me last night

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during the dancing.

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Dancing? You hate dancing.

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No, but I was too drunk to remember that.

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Well, you didn't even dance at our wedding.

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-What sort of dancing was it?

-What?

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Was it slow dancing, boppy dancing...

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It was just dancing to music. I don't know.

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All right, all right, I was just asking...

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DOORBELL RINGS

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..what sort of dancing it was.

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MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

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-Hi, guys!

-On to Jerusalem!

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Stay out of the kitchen!

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So, Karen, did anything bad happen today?

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There's still time.

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Stay out of the kitchen! Thanks for that, Mel.

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-Were they OK?

-Oh, no problem.

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Oh, Ben's teacher said can she have a word with you tomorrow.

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Something about him and Ibrahim

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-kettling all the girls in the lower playground.

-Oh, not again!

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What the hell have you done to my room?

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It's full of...floor.

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It's nice, isn't it? Stay out of it.

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-I'll go in the kitchen, then.

-And the kitchen.

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Stay out of that too.

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You can go in there, but don't touch anything.

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-Would you like to come in?

-No, that's fine.

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-Good luck with your buyers.

-Thank you.

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Well, well, well, Karen.

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Friday the 13th successfully negotiated

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and miraculously you remain unsavaged by bears.

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Why is Friday the 13th so unlucky? Where did all that come from?

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-I think it's something to do with the Last Supper, isn't it?

-Eh?

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Well, at Jesus's last supper, Judas made 13 at the table

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and Judas betrayed Jesus who was then crucified, and I think...

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See, see, see?

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He was crucified. I don't think you can get unluckier than that.

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-No, but...

-You can...

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if you get crucified by accident.

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Just imagine, it's a really lovely day,

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and suddenly your shoelaces untie, and you're walking

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and then you just go, like...

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"Whoa!" You fall on a cross with nails sticking out of it

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and then you crucify yourself by accident.

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But it'd be really bad if you just...

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We may have gone off on a bit of a tangent.

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Hiya!

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-Hi.

-Ah...

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-Um...

-Here.

0:16:020:16:04

No, please, just, um, let me do it.

0:16:040:16:06

-It's all right.

-No, it's fine.

0:16:060:16:08

No, it's OK. I don't mind.

0:16:080:16:09

Here. There you go.

0:16:120:16:15

-Thanks.

-Bye.

0:16:150:16:18

Listen, Karen.

0:16:190:16:21

Jesus was not crucified on Friday the 13th.

0:16:210:16:25

-It was a Friday, though, wasn't it?

-Yeah, it was Good Friday.

0:16:250:16:28

Good Friday? That's a weird name for a day when somebody gets crucified.

0:16:280:16:32

It should have been called something like Ouchy Friday

0:16:320:16:35

-or Oh No I'm Being Crucified Friday or...

-Ouchy Friday?

0:16:350:16:38

So what date was it when Jesus got killed?

0:16:380:16:40

Well, no one knows.

0:16:400:16:42

So it could have been Friday the 13th.

0:16:420:16:45

-No. Well, technically, if you...

-I bet it was.

0:16:450:16:49

That's just the sort of thing that would happen,

0:16:490:16:52

especially as Jesus was a Capricorn.

0:16:520:16:54

Oh, for heaven's sake!

0:16:540:16:56

But he was born on Christmas Day.

0:16:560:16:57

-That makes him a Capricorn.

-DOOR SLAMS

0:16:570:17:00

Jake, don't go in the kitchen. It's temporarily out of bounds.

0:17:000:17:04

-What, because of the bird?

-Sorry?

0:17:040:17:06

-Yeah, there's a bird in here.

-A bird?!

0:17:060:17:11

Oh, no! For God's sake!

0:17:120:17:15

-Awesome!

-Oh, my God.

0:17:160:17:19

-CHILDREN SHRIEK

-All right, all right, everyone.

0:17:190:17:21

Look, just stay calm, don't panic. It's just a pigeon.

0:17:210:17:26

What the hell is it doing in my kitchen?!

0:17:260:17:28

Probably come in from the garden.

0:17:280:17:29

Well, I didn't think it arrived by email.

0:17:290:17:31

-My God, there it is.

-Oh, my God! There it is!

0:17:310:17:34

-It's all right. Just calm down. Calm down!

-It's an omen!

0:17:340:17:37

-Ben!

-What?

0:17:370:17:38

Mrs B told me that if there's a bird in the house,

0:17:380:17:41

there's going to be a death.

0:17:410:17:43

Karen, that's just...

0:17:430:17:44

-One for sorrow.

-That's magpies, Karen.

0:17:440:17:47

Yeah, and this is a pigeon. Can we keep him?

0:17:470:17:50

-Of course we can't keep it.

-Come on. Come on, Mr Pigeon!

0:17:500:17:53

We need to corral it out the way it came in.

0:17:530:17:55

It's only got one escape route.

0:17:550:17:57

Well, I'm going up to my room. I do not want to be the one who dies.

0:17:570:18:01

She's a real team player, isn't she?

0:18:010:18:04

What's wrong with him? Why's he staying in here?

0:18:040:18:06

There's gardens out there with trees and grass and sky...

0:18:060:18:11

Perhaps he's agoraphobic.

0:18:110:18:12

It's not funny, Pete.

0:18:120:18:14

He's crapped on the computer.

0:18:140:18:16

-And that's not funny either.

-Yes, it is.

0:18:160:18:18

We've got people coming to look at the house in a few moments.

0:18:180:18:21

All right, all right, calm down.

0:18:210:18:23

No, because the conventional way to greet a potential buyer

0:18:230:18:26

is with the smell of coffee and freshly baked bread,

0:18:260:18:28

not...pigeon plop!

0:18:280:18:31

-Pigeon plop!

-Mum, don't worry.

0:18:310:18:33

I've spent all day cleaning this kitchen!

0:18:330:18:35

-I've an idea.

-We don't need an idea.

0:18:350:18:36

You see, David Attenborough says

0:18:360:18:38

that pigeons have a bit of magnetism in their brain,

0:18:380:18:41

and that's how they get home -

0:18:410:18:43

they track the earth's magnetic field...

0:18:430:18:46

You go around from that side.

0:18:460:18:47

If I sit out in the garden with a massive magnet,

0:18:470:18:50

I'd be able to suck him out the kitchen.

0:18:500:18:52

-Mum, calm down.

-We just inch slowly...

0:18:520:18:55

-Do we have a massive magnet?

-No!

0:18:550:18:57

We don't have a bloody massive magnet!

0:18:570:18:59

Don't shout, because you'll just upset...

0:18:590:19:01

CRASH!

0:19:010:19:03

Oh, Jesus!

0:19:030:19:04

There's marbles all over the floor!

0:19:040:19:07

I'm sure if we leave it alone, it'll fly out on its own in the end.

0:19:070:19:11

No, it's no big deal. There are three of us.

0:19:110:19:13

Look, we could just herd it towards...

0:19:130:19:15

What's that?

0:19:150:19:17

-WHISPERS:

-It's a picture of a cat.

-Oh, for God's...

0:19:170:19:20

Ben, this isn't really a four man job. Why don't you go and play in your bedroom?

0:19:200:19:24

-I can't. It feels weird.

-Ben, just...

0:19:240:19:27

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

0:19:270:19:29

Oh, my God. That'll be them.

0:19:290:19:31

All right, don't panic.

0:19:310:19:32

Right. You stall them. Show them the rest of the house,

0:19:320:19:34

Jake and I will stay and we'll try and get rid of that thing.

0:19:340:19:37

Or we could just explain it to them.

0:19:370:19:39

Pete, I've spent hours, invested hours...

0:19:390:19:41

-Have you come to buy the house?

-Well, possibly.

0:19:410:19:45

Well, you should cos it's fantastic, especially if you're a kid.

0:19:450:19:48

There's loads of brilliant places you can hide for hours,

0:19:480:19:51

until the adults start panicking and screaming out your name.

0:19:510:19:55

Right.

0:19:570:20:00

And the most important thing is while you're here arguing,

0:20:000:20:03

Ben is talking to them!

0:20:030:20:04

Oh, my...!

0:20:040:20:07

And another interesting thing is in the basement...

0:20:070:20:10

Sorry about that. Hi. I'm Pete.

0:20:100:20:11

-Tony. Fiona.

-Hi. This is Ben.

0:20:110:20:13

Yes, he's been telling us all about the house.

0:20:130:20:16

Has he? What's he been saying?

0:20:160:20:19

-It's a fantastic house for kids.

-Oh, yes, of course.

0:20:190:20:22

Well, would you like the tour?

0:20:230:20:26

-This is Karen.

-You can buy this house if you want.

0:20:280:20:31

But I intend to stay living here.

0:20:310:20:33

-Oh, right.

-It wasn't my idea to move.

0:20:330:20:35

I wasn't consulted.

0:20:350:20:38

I'm sure your mummy and daddy always try and do what's best for you.

0:20:380:20:41

No, I don't think so.

0:20:410:20:43

This morning my daddy didn't even seem to care

0:20:430:20:46

that I could have been torn apart by ferocious bears.

0:20:460:20:49

No... That's not...that's not true.

0:20:510:20:55

It's a long story. She was...

0:20:550:20:57

Shall we start upstairs?

0:20:570:20:59

It's just a bird.

0:21:010:21:02

Now the stupid thing's nesting on top of my fridge!

0:21:020:21:04

Mum, if we panic it, it might hurt itself.

0:21:040:21:06

What is this - Pigeon Concern Week?

0:21:060:21:08

If I...if I throw this hat on top of it, maybe we can...

0:21:080:21:14

No! It's bad luck to throw a hat. Mrs B told me.

0:21:140:21:17

-No, she didn't.

-Well, it was something about hats.

0:21:170:21:20

Um...it might have been never throw a hat on a gypsy or...

0:21:200:21:25

-She's doing my head in.

-Or never give money to Albanians.

0:21:250:21:28

Then that's not superstition, that's racism.

0:21:280:21:31

-And it's green! That's unlucky!

-Karen!

0:21:310:21:33

Well, the neighbours are nice, transport's good. What else?

0:21:330:21:37

-Are you OK, love?

-Yeah, I'm just a bit short of puff.

0:21:370:21:40

-Do you want a glass of water?

-I would actually, yes. Thanks.

0:21:400:21:44

That boy is very special.

0:21:440:21:46

Yes, that's the word his teachers keep using.

0:21:460:21:50

You two go on up. I'll just sit here for a sec.

0:21:500:21:52

-Are you sure?

-OK, Tony. Up we go.

0:21:520:21:53

OK, well, this is the third floor. It's just more bedrooms, really.

0:21:560:22:00

Ooh, the baby's kicking.

0:22:000:22:01

So you're definitely having a baby.

0:22:010:22:03

Only I don't like to ask. Not since I upset that big fat lady.

0:22:030:22:07

Oh...oh, right.

0:22:070:22:10

So your husband's black.

0:22:100:22:12

Um...yes.

0:22:120:22:14

But you're white.

0:22:140:22:16

So your baby could be black or white.

0:22:160:22:19

Um, well, yes. Or most likely something in between.

0:22:190:22:22

But not stripy.

0:22:220:22:23

No, I don't think I'd like a stripy baby.

0:22:230:22:26

Be harder to lose.

0:22:260:22:27

Y-Yeah, that's true...

0:22:270:22:29

Cos they sometimes have mix-ups in the hospitals.

0:22:290:22:32

Sometimes. Not often.

0:22:320:22:34

Could you have a black and white spotty baby?

0:22:340:22:36

-Um...it doesn't really work that way.

-But you could call him Spot.

0:22:360:22:40

Um, yeah. We were thinking Peter, but, er, yeah...

0:22:400:22:43

-You could have a zigzag baby.

-..it could be the middle name.

0:22:430:22:46

Or a black and white chequered baby. Or puzzle pieces.

0:22:460:22:48

-Um, again, I don't think so, no.

-Triangles!

0:22:480:22:50

I think it's probably going to be just the one colour...

0:22:500:22:53

Or you could have a football marking,

0:22:530:22:55

like those big hexagons all over its body.

0:22:550:22:58

But Mrs B said...

0:22:580:22:59

Look, Karen, I tell you what,

0:22:590:23:00

you make yourself useful by picking up all those marbles off the floor.

0:23:000:23:03

-But I didn't spill them.

-I'm not saying you spilt them.

0:23:040:23:07

-But who spilt them? Cos...

-It doesn't matter who spilt them.

0:23:070:23:10

But whoever spilt them should clean them up.

0:23:100:23:13

-Well, I'm asking you. It doesn't matter...

-Yes, it does matter!

0:23:130:23:16

Because say there was this massive ship carrying all this oil and...

0:23:160:23:19

Karen!

0:23:190:23:21

..and then someone spilt it all

0:23:210:23:22

and made all the puffins all sticky and gooey and horrible

0:23:220:23:25

and then they said,

0:23:250:23:26

"It doesn't matter who spilt it. Karen, you go clean up."

0:23:260:23:30

-It does matter!

-Karen, please!

0:23:300:23:32

But if babies were stripy and spotty,

0:23:320:23:34

then there would be no racism, would there?

0:23:340:23:37

Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it?

0:23:370:23:39

Or maybe the spotty people would fight the stripy people

0:23:390:23:42

and the chequered people,

0:23:420:23:45

and they'd just have great big wars over stripy and spotty and stuff.

0:23:450:23:48

I don't think it's going to happen, but...

0:23:480:23:50

-I just need you to help me.

-It's their responsibility!

0:23:500:23:53

You need to do Mummy a favour.

0:23:530:23:55

-But if...

-You have to help me out here. Just pick up the marbles.

0:23:550:23:58

But it's like you hammering a nail into Daddy's head

0:23:580:24:01

and then saying to Jake, "Go on, get it out!"

0:24:010:24:04

-And you did it!

-Oh, my word.

0:24:040:24:06

Are you going to hospital to have the baby?

0:24:060:24:08

I'm not really a big fan of hospitals.

0:24:080:24:10

I don't mind the hospital. The nurses all know me.

0:24:100:24:12

They've got special tongs

0:24:120:24:14

for pulling memory sticks out of your throat.

0:24:140:24:16

Well, I think I'm going to have my baby at home.

0:24:160:24:19

-The lady across the road did that.

-Oh, right.

0:24:190:24:21

Yeah, she screamed all night. I didn't know what was going on.

0:24:210:24:25

I thought there was a fox that had its paw stuck in a trap,

0:24:250:24:28

and it was trying to bite its leg off to get free.

0:24:280:24:30

-Oh, right.

-There was loads of blood, apparently.

0:24:300:24:33

Dad said they had to get the whole bedroom redecorated.

0:24:330:24:36

-Um, can I have some more water, do you think?

-No problem.

0:24:360:24:41

I bet it was you who spilt the marbles.

0:24:410:24:42

Oh, shush! He just needs one more little nudge.

0:24:420:24:46

I think... Hang on. If I get this and I...

0:24:460:24:50

-No!

-I can just push him out.

0:24:500:24:52

That's the most worst luck, to open an umbrella inside!

0:24:520:24:56

-Oh, don't be daft.

-And it's green! Are you mad?!

0:24:560:24:59

ARGUING CONTINUES

0:24:590:25:00

I mean, you know I'm biased, but it's got a lovely feel about it.

0:25:000:25:04

It's a very happy house.

0:25:040:25:06

Will you shut the hell up about it being green,

0:25:060:25:09

or I'll ram it down your throat!

0:25:090:25:11

ARGUING CONTINUES

0:25:110:25:15

The lounge.

0:25:150:25:17

I told you! Mummy, stop nagging me!

0:25:170:25:21

Well, ring bloody ChildLine, then. See if I care.

0:25:210:25:24

This is the lounge.

0:25:250:25:27

Look, you've upset me and you've upset the bird!

0:25:270:25:30

-I'm sorry I lost it, but you keep banging on about...

-But you upset me!

0:25:300:25:34

Look, everyone just...

0:25:340:25:36

THUD

0:25:360:25:37

Oh, hell.

0:25:390:25:41

There are good schools.

0:25:410:25:42

There's a GP surgery on the corner, also good.

0:25:420:25:44

Yeah, the doctor's really cool.

0:25:440:25:47

He said they had to put a camera up Dad's bottom,

0:25:470:25:49

and we're going to put it on YouTube.

0:25:490:25:51

That's not going to happen.

0:25:530:25:55

My sister had a colonoscopy. She said it was fine.

0:25:550:25:58

Yes, everyone tells me that.

0:25:580:26:00

-Oh, poor thing.

-Now, that has got to be bad luck.

0:26:010:26:07

Not just any bird in the house, but a dead bird in the house.

0:26:070:26:11

Why did he have to fly into the window?

0:26:110:26:13

And this is the kitchen.

0:26:130:26:15

This is my wife...

0:26:220:26:23

..Sue.

0:26:250:26:26

Hello, there.

0:26:260:26:27

It's usually a bit tidier than this.

0:26:300:26:34

And obviously not usually... a dead bird.

0:26:350:26:40

Right, well, thanks for showing us around.

0:26:400:26:42

-There's more to see...

-No, it's fine. Thanks.

0:26:420:26:44

Well, if you'd like to mull it over.

0:26:440:26:46

If you want to come back another time or...

0:26:460:26:48

-I can't see that happening.

-Really?

0:26:480:26:51

My wife, she has a thing about birds in the house.

0:26:510:26:56

She says it's a bad omen.

0:26:560:26:58

Does she?

0:26:580:27:00

We'll see ourselves out.

0:27:000:27:01

Yeah, well, mind out for the witches.

0:27:010:27:06

You shouldn't joke about witches.

0:27:060:27:08

They don't like it.

0:27:080:27:10

Oh, for God's sake.

0:27:100:27:13

-Mum?

-Yes?

0:27:130:27:15

CAMERA CLICKS Oh, Jake!

0:27:150:27:17

I'm so going to Facebook all of this!

0:27:170:27:19

I didn't mean to hurt the poor...

0:27:190:27:21

Mum, should I take the bird out into the garden and give it a postmortem?

0:27:210:27:24

-No.

-All right.

0:27:240:27:26

-But it is science.

-It's not science, it's...eugh.

0:27:260:27:30

Well, Leonardo da Vinci was always cutting up animals.

0:27:300:27:34

Along with most serial killers.

0:27:340:27:38

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

0:27:380:27:40

Aren't you going to read that?

0:27:400:27:42

It's a text, not a royal bloody summons.

0:27:420:27:44

All right, all right! Are you OK?

0:27:440:27:48

Yeah.

0:27:480:27:50

So, the Enlightenment.

0:27:510:27:54

What a waste of bloody time that was.

0:27:540:27:56

Do you know, the year may be 2010,

0:27:560:27:59

but our kids, they're just living in the Dark Ages.

0:27:590:28:03

Witches! Crackpot conspiracy theories!

0:28:030:28:07

Yeah, I know.

0:28:070:28:08

Blind superstition, astrology...

0:28:080:28:10

Yeah.

0:28:100:28:11

You know, the more irrational it is, the more they just lap it up.

0:28:110:28:15

Still, don't worry. They'll soon grow out of it. Touch wood.

0:28:150:28:18

Dad struggles against a rising tide of superstition, astrology and conspiracy theories that seem to be taking over the family, while Ben takes time off from re-enacting the crusades to show a couple of prospective buyers around the house.


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