Episode 4 Outnumbered

Ooh! Karen, have you turned off the hot water again?

Don't you want to save polar bears?

HE GROANS

-Ah! Die, infidel dog!

-Ben.

-Ah!

-I've got a bit of a headache.

So if you could just go easy on the deafening roaring, it would be...

Why is your face grey?

I've just...

You look like somebody's shaded you in with a pencil.

I'm just... If you... Just keep it down, OK?

Karen, I can't hear any movement.

Oh! Just...

You haven't developed OCD, have you?

No. The estate agent rang.

We've finally got a nibble,

and there's a couple coming round this afternoon,

so I've got to make this place clean and tidy and presentable.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

You're practising for a game called Crusades?

Yeah, at break time, I'm going to be Richard the Lionheart,

Ibrahim's going to be Saladin,

and all the girls are going to play the innocent civilians...

who get massacred.

Right.

You smell like that relief teacher who didn't stay very long.

You know, the one with the shaky hand

and who always used to cry for no reason.

This is solid! Oh, God.

Ben hasn't been mixing cement in the sink again, has he?

The kitchen is very messy, Mummy.

Yes, I know that, thank you. That's why I...

Karen! You're still in your pyjamas!

-Come on! Chop chop.

-No, I'm not going to school today.

Oh, don't be stupid, darling.

I'm not being stupid. Watch my lips.

-I am not going to school today.

-Oh, really? And why is that?

Because I'm scared.

Scared?

Rahh!

HE IMITATES GUNFIRE

-Dad?

-Yes?

What's the point of living?

-The point of...?

-Yeah.

Why do we live?

Well...I don't know.

I've got a head...

That is an enormous question

that has puzzled mankind down through the ages.

OK. Just asking.

SHAVER BUZZES

HE GROANS

Why are you scared, Karen? You like going to school.

Yes, but today I'm staying at home,

because that way nothing bad can happen to me.

Well, what do you mean, sweetheart?

Nothing bad's going to happen to you.

Why should anything bad happen to you?

Because today is Friday the 13th.

No, darling. That's just a silly superstition.

Nothing bad is going to happen.

But something bad has already happened. My goldfish died.

Er... That was on Monday.

Yes, the Monday in the same week as Friday the 13th.

-Oh, that's ridiculous!

-It's not ridiculous.

Oh, Friday the 13th is not an especially unlucky day. It's just...

Tell that to Mrs B.

Her husband dropped dead in Woolworths on Friday the 13th.

Are you saying that's not unlucky?

Well, no, dropping dead is quite unlucky. But...

And it was unlucky for Woolworths as well,

because not long after that they closed.

-But that was the recess...

-Listen, Karen.

Mrs B is a very nice, kind, old lady.

She just happens to be very superstitious.

-Yes, but she knows stuff.

-And some of what she says...

And she told me all the things that can bring bad luck.

Whistling in the house, which you do all the time,

and it's probably why my goldfish died.

-Karen, there is no connection between...

-No, because...

..the death of a fish and me whistling occasionally.

When Ben broke the mirror,

the same day he cut his foot.

Because the mirror fell on his foot.

And you're always opening umbrellas in the house,

and that's probably why you can't clean up all this mess.

I can't keep the kitchen clean, because you lot create such a...

-Karen, look...

-I'm not going to school!

-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS You are going to school! Now go and get dressed.

-Oh, no.

Don't make me go to school. If you don't believe in bad luck...

What's all this about?

She's refusing to go to school, because it's Friday the 13th,

and she thinks something bad's going to happen.

Something bad will happen. Mrs B told me.

Right. That's the last time she comes to baby sit.

Well, let's not be hasty, Pete.

Mrs B is a good baby sitter.

She's great with the kids and very calm.

And she's old and lonely, so she's always available.

-Yes, but...

-I like it when Mrs B comes.

She shows me how to bake cakes

and she reads me lovely bedtime stories...

See?

And last time she came, she brought her tarot cards, and Ben got Death.

-Yeah, that was cool.

-Look, you're going to school.

Look, it's just another day. Nothing especially bad is going to happen.

How can you say that?

You've already been sick this morning, in the toilet.

Has he?

-Yeah, he was going...

-SHE RETCHES

-"Jesus. Oh, God..."

-SHE RETCHES

-"Oh, my God, I feel terrible."

-SHE RETCHES

-Yes, that's enough...

-"Oh, God, I..."

-SHE RETCHES

-"Oh, Jesus. "

-OK. All right.

Oh, that's so unfair. I wish I had seen that.

And I think Jesus only helps poor people with diseases.

I don't think he helps people with bad tummies on Friday the 13th.

Were there carrots in it or, like, were there any peas in it?

-OK.

-Listen, you two...

That's why I don't eat vegetables.

Dad throwing up has nothing to do with today being Friday the 13th.

All that happened was last night he went to a leaving do,

got paralytic, staggered home in the early hours of the morning

and fell into bed stinking like a brewery.

That's right, isn't it, Mum?

Karen? Karen, look at me.

You're safe to go into school today,

cos I promise you

that Friday the 13th is no more dangerous than any other day.

All right?

OK.

That's not strictly true,

because Friday the 13th is more dangerous,

because it was Friday the 13th when all those teenagers got killed.

See?

-They were all camping by a lake...

-Ben, that's a film.

And Friday the 13th in the same lake a few years ago...

-It's a film.

-..a boy had murdered his mother.

And then his mum's spirit comes to present day...

-Film.

-..and murdered all the teenagers.

-Ben!

-All that happened on Friday the 13th.

So I shouldn't go to school either.

Ben, it's a movie, it's not...

Hang on, when did he see Friday The 13th?

It's way too scary for a 9 year old.

It's not that scary.

But when did...?

Maisie's sleepover.

Oh, for...! Karen, go and get changed for school.

No, I'm not going and I mean it.

And I mean it!

I'm just not in the mood, OK?

So last night was worth it, was it?

Oh, it was OK.

How come you got so wrecked? It's years since you've done that.

Oh, I don't know. I got ambushed by these bright green cocktails.

Oh, well, that explains the toilet.

It's stupid. It's not doing my stomach any good.

What time did you get in?

Oh, I don't know. Three-ish?

I did text you about midnight to tell you I was going to be late.

Oh, is that what it said?

Well, it's difficult to text when you're drunk.

You lose control of your thumbs.

Yeah. The last bit had nine consecutive Ws.

Sorry.

You upset me when you shouted at me.

Did I?

Karen? Karen, I know you're dawdling deliberately.

I'm looking for my shoes, OK?

Well, could they be these shoe shaped objects

here in the middle of the room?

Rahh!

How am I going to get this place tidied before they come to view it?

Have you explained to the people yet

that whatever happens I'll not be moving

and I'll be staying on in my room?

No, I thought I'd let that be a lovely surprise.

Go and get dressed.

When we move, can we move to Australia,

because Australia's brilliant and they've got the two step spider,

because it bites you and then when you walk two steps, you die.

Don't oversell it, now.

Ooh, and do you know how kangaroos keep cool in the desert?

-No.

-They cover themself in their own saliva.

Eugh!

If we move to Australia, we could buy a kangaroo

and then we could bottle its saliva and use it instead of suntan lotion.

Bottle kangaroo saliva?

It would be better at airports,

because they always take your sun cream and then glare at you a bit

and then they give it back to you.

Yeah.

But if you've got the kangaroo with you, they can't take the kangaroo,

cos the kangaroo doesn't want to be taken.

So you take the kangaroo to the airport...?

What's this you're printing?

It's just, um, a really interesting website I found on the internet

about how the attack on the Twin Towers was, like, orchestrated by George Bush.

It's for my history project.

Yeah, well, that's not really history, as such, is it?

That's more sort of, er...bollocks.

You don't seriously sign up for this rubbish, do you?

-Well, I'm not sure it makes total sense, no, but...

-Thank you.

..you've got to admit there's something weird

about the way those towers collapsed.

And there's this other spider which hides under your toilet seat

and then when you go to the toilet, it jumps out and bites you.

And going to the toilet is quite boring, but this makes it much more exciting.

Hang on, there's a slice of pizza down here! Is that yours?

Is it a margherita?

Er...no.

Ah, then it's not mine.

-No, Dad, that is crap.

-Wait, hang on.

How do these people

at I'll-believe-anything- because-I'm-a-gullible-idiot.com

explain the fact that Osama bin Laden

went on television and said that he had attacked the Twin Towers?

Ah, but did he?

Yes. Yes, he did. DOORBELL RINGS

-Jake...can you get that?

-But the CIA could have easily...

It'll be Melanie. She's going to take them to school

so I've more time to get this straight.

When are you going to hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?

Um...Monday. Why?

Can you ask if you can keep the film?

-Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.

-Show and t...?

No. I don't want everyone in your school knowing about my colonoscopy.

They already know. Karen put it on Facebook.

But...

And Mum told all the other mums at pick-up time.

Well, not all the mums.

Well, it's not a secret, is it?

No, I'd just rather it wasn't the lead item on the news.

Hi, Jake.

-Hi, Melanie. They're on their way.

-Oh, right.

-Hi, Kelly. How's it going?

-So, how are you?

Fine.

I hear you're turning into a bit of a star striker.

Look, see, Libra's facing unexpected difficulties.

That's proof that I shouldn't go to school today.

It's astrology. It's not proof of anything except human stupidity.

-Now, come on, move it.

-You'll regret this!

What happens if you send me to school,

and then on the way I get ripped apart by ferocious huge bears?

You'd be sorry then, wouldn't you?

Yep, I'd be in pieces.

And so would you. Keep moving.

Thanks, Mel. You're a lifesaver.

Come on, Jake, shift yourself. You'll be late.

-Come on, we've got to leave. Come on, Ben.

-Shift!

Yeah, sorry?

And put your tongue in. We don't want you tripping over it.

-Hi, Melanie!

-Hiya.

Don't forget your masterpiece on how Bush destroyed the Twin Towers.

Oh, God. All that conspiracy stuff's pretty daft, isn't it?

At last, the voice of reason.

Mind you, there was something a bit weird

about the way those towers collapsed.

-Ah!

-There, see?

Ben, don't go rushing off on your own!

We don't want another letter from the social services.

Good luck with the colonoscopy, Pete.

My brother had one, said it was fine. See ya!

I expect she saw that on Ceefax.

-See ya.

-Bye!

Get the crossbow, cos we need to win this war!

Oh, my God.

Hiya!

-Sorry, wrong house.

-This took me seven hours.

Seven hours?

Yeah, well, I lost the first hour working out where to start,

but I soon got cracking

and I found an old wasps' nest,

your missing passport that we had to replace

and two German road signs.

Cleaning Ben's room alone took me three hours.

You cleaned Ben's room? My God!

That place looked like... the apocalypse.

Where did you put all his crap?

Right.

How was school?

Oh, we had the police in with some handwriting experts

after the latest death threat to the headmaster.

I mean, personally, I don't think it could have been one of our pupils

who wrote the death threats, because the grammar's too good,

and the word "disembowel" is spelt correctly.

It's probably one of the teachers...

..like last time.

-Ow.

-Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just some clown clattered into me last night

during the dancing.

Dancing? You hate dancing.

No, but I was too drunk to remember that.

Well, you didn't even dance at our wedding.

-What sort of dancing was it?

-What?

Was it slow dancing, boppy dancing...

It was just dancing to music. I don't know.

All right, all right, I was just asking...

DOORBELL RINGS

..what sort of dancing it was.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Hi, guys!

-On to Jerusalem!

Stay out of the kitchen!

So, Karen, did anything bad happen today?

There's still time.

Stay out of the kitchen! Thanks for that, Mel.

-Were they OK?

-Oh, no problem.

Oh, Ben's teacher said can she have a word with you tomorrow.

Something about him and Ibrahim

-kettling all the girls in the lower playground.

-Oh, not again!

What the hell have you done to my room?

It's full of...floor.

It's nice, isn't it? Stay out of it.

-I'll go in the kitchen, then.

-And the kitchen.

Stay out of that too.

You can go in there, but don't touch anything.

-Would you like to come in?

-No, that's fine.

-Good luck with your buyers.

-Thank you.

Well, well, well, Karen.

Friday the 13th successfully negotiated

and miraculously you remain unsavaged by bears.

Why is Friday the 13th so unlucky? Where did all that come from?

-I think it's something to do with the Last Supper, isn't it?

-Eh?

Well, at Jesus's last supper, Judas made 13 at the table

and Judas betrayed Jesus who was then crucified, and I think...

See, see, see?

He was crucified. I don't think you can get unluckier than that.

-No, but...

-You can...

if you get crucified by accident.

Just imagine, it's a really lovely day,

and suddenly your shoelaces untie, and you're walking

and then you just go, like...

"Whoa!" You fall on a cross with nails sticking out of it

and then you crucify yourself by accident.

But it'd be really bad if you just...

We may have gone off on a bit of a tangent.

Hiya!

-Hi.

-Ah...

-Um...

-Here.

No, please, just, um, let me do it.

-It's all right.

-No, it's fine.

No, it's OK. I don't mind.

Here. There you go.

-Thanks.

-Bye.

Listen, Karen.

Jesus was not crucified on Friday the 13th.

-It was a Friday, though, wasn't it?

-Yeah, it was Good Friday.

Good Friday? That's a weird name for a day when somebody gets crucified.

It should have been called something like Ouchy Friday

-or Oh No I'm Being Crucified Friday or...

-Ouchy Friday?

So what date was it when Jesus got killed?

Well, no one knows.

So it could have been Friday the 13th.

-No. Well, technically, if you...

-I bet it was.

That's just the sort of thing that would happen,

especially as Jesus was a Capricorn.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

But he was born on Christmas Day.

-That makes him a Capricorn.

-DOOR SLAMS

Jake, don't go in the kitchen. It's temporarily out of bounds.

-What, because of the bird?

-Sorry?

-Yeah, there's a bird in here.

-A bird?!

Oh, no! For God's sake!

-Awesome!

-Oh, my God.

-CHILDREN SHRIEK

-All right, all right, everyone.

Look, just stay calm, don't panic. It's just a pigeon.

What the hell is it doing in my kitchen?!

Probably come in from the garden.

Well, I didn't think it arrived by email.

-My God, there it is.

-Oh, my God! There it is!

-It's all right. Just calm down. Calm down!

-It's an omen!

-Ben!

-What?

Mrs B told me that if there's a bird in the house,

there's going to be a death.

Karen, that's just...

-One for sorrow.

-That's magpies, Karen.

Yeah, and this is a pigeon. Can we keep him?

-Of course we can't keep it.

-Come on. Come on, Mr Pigeon!

We need to corral it out the way it came in.

It's only got one escape route.

Well, I'm going up to my room. I do not want to be the one who dies.

She's a real team player, isn't she?

What's wrong with him? Why's he staying in here?

There's gardens out there with trees and grass and sky...

Perhaps he's agoraphobic.

It's not funny, Pete.

He's crapped on the computer.

-And that's not funny either.

-Yes, it is.

We've got people coming to look at the house in a few moments.

All right, all right, calm down.

No, because the conventional way to greet a potential buyer

is with the smell of coffee and freshly baked bread,

not...pigeon plop!

-Pigeon plop!

-Mum, don't worry.

I've spent all day cleaning this kitchen!

-I've an idea.

-We don't need an idea.

You see, David Attenborough says

that pigeons have a bit of magnetism in their brain,

and that's how they get home -

they track the earth's magnetic field...

You go around from that side.

If I sit out in the garden with a massive magnet,

I'd be able to suck him out the kitchen.

-Mum, calm down.

-We just inch slowly...

-Do we have a massive magnet?

-No!

We don't have a bloody massive magnet!

Don't shout, because you'll just upset...

CRASH!

Oh, Jesus!

There's marbles all over the floor!

I'm sure if we leave it alone, it'll fly out on its own in the end.

No, it's no big deal. There are three of us.

Look, we could just herd it towards...

What's that?

-WHISPERS:

-It's a picture of a cat.

-Oh, for God's...

Ben, this isn't really a four man job. Why don't you go and play in your bedroom?

-I can't. It feels weird.

-Ben, just...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

Oh, my God. That'll be them.

All right, don't panic.

Right. You stall them. Show them the rest of the house,

Jake and I will stay and we'll try and get rid of that thing.

Or we could just explain it to them.

Pete, I've spent hours, invested hours...

-Have you come to buy the house?

-Well, possibly.

Well, you should cos it's fantastic, especially if you're a kid.

There's loads of brilliant places you can hide for hours,

until the adults start panicking and screaming out your name.

Right.

And the most important thing is while you're here arguing,

Ben is talking to them!

Oh, my...!

And another interesting thing is in the basement...

Sorry about that. Hi. I'm Pete.

-Tony. Fiona.

-Hi. This is Ben.

Yes, he's been telling us all about the house.

Has he? What's he been saying?

-It's a fantastic house for kids.

-Oh, yes, of course.

Well, would you like the tour?

-This is Karen.

-You can buy this house if you want.

But I intend to stay living here.

-Oh, right.

-It wasn't my idea to move.

I wasn't consulted.

I'm sure your mummy and daddy always try and do what's best for you.

No, I don't think so.

This morning my daddy didn't even seem to care

that I could have been torn apart by ferocious bears.

No... That's not...that's not true.

It's a long story. She was...

Shall we start upstairs?

It's just a bird.

Now the stupid thing's nesting on top of my fridge!

Mum, if we panic it, it might hurt itself.

What is this - Pigeon Concern Week?

If I...if I throw this hat on top of it, maybe we can...

No! It's bad luck to throw a hat. Mrs B told me.

-No, she didn't.

-Well, it was something about hats.

Um...it might have been never throw a hat on a gypsy or...

-She's doing my head in.

-Or never give money to Albanians.

Then that's not superstition, that's racism.

-And it's green! That's unlucky!

-Karen!

Well, the neighbours are nice, transport's good. What else?

-Are you OK, love?

-Yeah, I'm just a bit short of puff.

-Do you want a glass of water?

-I would actually, yes. Thanks.

That boy is very special.

Yes, that's the word his teachers keep using.

You two go on up. I'll just sit here for a sec.

-Are you sure?

-OK, Tony. Up we go.

OK, well, this is the third floor. It's just more bedrooms, really.

Ooh, the baby's kicking.

So you're definitely having a baby.

Only I don't like to ask. Not since I upset that big fat lady.

Oh...oh, right.

So your husband's black.

Um...yes.

But you're white.

So your baby could be black or white.

Um, well, yes. Or most likely something in between.

But not stripy.

No, I don't think I'd like a stripy baby.

Be harder to lose.

Y-Yeah, that's true...

Cos they sometimes have mix-ups in the hospitals.

Sometimes. Not often.

Could you have a black and white spotty baby?

-Um...it doesn't really work that way.

-But you could call him Spot.

Um, yeah. We were thinking Peter, but, er, yeah...

-You could have a zigzag baby.

-..it could be the middle name.

Or a black and white chequered baby. Or puzzle pieces.

-Um, again, I don't think so, no.

-Triangles!

I think it's probably going to be just the one colour...

Or you could have a football marking,

like those big hexagons all over its body.

But Mrs B said...

Look, Karen, I tell you what,

you make yourself useful by picking up all those marbles off the floor.

-But I didn't spill them.

-I'm not saying you spilt them.

-But who spilt them? Cos...

-It doesn't matter who spilt them.

But whoever spilt them should clean them up.

-Well, I'm asking you. It doesn't matter...

-Yes, it does matter!

Because say there was this massive ship carrying all this oil and...

Karen!

..and then someone spilt it all

and made all the puffins all sticky and gooey and horrible

and then they said,

"It doesn't matter who spilt it. Karen, you go clean up."

-It does matter!

-Karen, please!

But if babies were stripy and spotty,

then there would be no racism, would there?

Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it?

Or maybe the spotty people would fight the stripy people

and the chequered people,

and they'd just have great big wars over stripy and spotty and stuff.

I don't think it's going to happen, but...

-I just need you to help me.

-It's their responsibility!

You need to do Mummy a favour.

-But if...

-You have to help me out here. Just pick up the marbles.

But it's like you hammering a nail into Daddy's head

and then saying to Jake, "Go on, get it out!"

-And you did it!

-Oh, my word.

Are you going to hospital to have the baby?

I'm not really a big fan of hospitals.

I don't mind the hospital. The nurses all know me.

They've got special tongs

for pulling memory sticks out of your throat.

Well, I think I'm going to have my baby at home.

-The lady across the road did that.

-Oh, right.

Yeah, she screamed all night. I didn't know what was going on.

I thought there was a fox that had its paw stuck in a trap,

and it was trying to bite its leg off to get free.

-Oh, right.

-There was loads of blood, apparently.

Dad said they had to get the whole bedroom redecorated.

-Um, can I have some more water, do you think?

-No problem.

I bet it was you who spilt the marbles.

Oh, shush! He just needs one more little nudge.

I think... Hang on. If I get this and I...

-No!

-I can just push him out.

That's the most worst luck, to open an umbrella inside!

-Oh, don't be daft.

-And it's green! Are you mad?!

ARGUING CONTINUES

I mean, you know I'm biased, but it's got a lovely feel about it.

It's a very happy house.

Will you shut the hell up about it being green,

or I'll ram it down your throat!

ARGUING CONTINUES

The lounge.

I told you! Mummy, stop nagging me!

Well, ring bloody ChildLine, then. See if I care.

This is the lounge.

Look, you've upset me and you've upset the bird!

-I'm sorry I lost it, but you keep banging on about...

-But you upset me!

Look, everyone just...

THUD

Oh, hell.

There are good schools.

There's a GP surgery on the corner, also good.

Yeah, the doctor's really cool.

He said they had to put a camera up Dad's bottom,

and we're going to put it on YouTube.

That's not going to happen.

My sister had a colonoscopy. She said it was fine.

Yes, everyone tells me that.

-Oh, poor thing.

-Now, that has got to be bad luck.

Not just any bird in the house, but a dead bird in the house.

Why did he have to fly into the window?

And this is the kitchen.

This is my wife...

..Sue.

Hello, there.

It's usually a bit tidier than this.

And obviously not usually... a dead bird.

Right, well, thanks for showing us around.

-There's more to see...

-No, it's fine. Thanks.

Well, if you'd like to mull it over.

If you want to come back another time or...

-I can't see that happening.

-Really?

My wife, she has a thing about birds in the house.

She says it's a bad omen.

Does she?

We'll see ourselves out.

Yeah, well, mind out for the witches.

You shouldn't joke about witches.

They don't like it.

Oh, for God's sake.

-Mum?

-Yes?

CAMERA CLICKS Oh, Jake!

I'm so going to Facebook all of this!

I didn't mean to hurt the poor...

Mum, should I take the bird out into the garden and give it a postmortem?

-No.

-All right.

-But it is science.

-It's not science, it's...eugh.

Well, Leonardo da Vinci was always cutting up animals.

Along with most serial killers.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Aren't you going to read that?

It's a text, not a royal bloody summons.

All right, all right! Are you OK?

Yeah.

So, the Enlightenment.

What a waste of bloody time that was.

Do you know, the year may be 2010,

but our kids, they're just living in the Dark Ages.

Witches! Crackpot conspiracy theories!

Yeah, I know.

Blind superstition, astrology...

Yeah.

You know, the more irrational it is, the more they just lap it up.

Still, don't worry. They'll soon grow out of it. Touch wood.