Episode 5 Outnumbered

SUE: You can't stroll around the house stark naked.

And all I'm saying is, you should have mentioned

that Karen had a little friend staying the night.

- I did. You just forgot. - I did not forget. You didn't...

On two or three occasions, I mentioned, "Don't go out starkers."

(SIGHS) She's got a very piercing scream, hasn't she?

So have you.

Look, Maisie hasn't got a dad,

so she's not used to getting up in the night

and encountering a great, hulking, hairy, naked man.

I did tell her not to scream.

"Karen's daddy stood there naked and told me not to scream."

That'll sound good in court.

Anyway, we've got to be at the restaurant in half an hour.

We'd better get ready.

BEN: One night,

Karen and her stupid friend Maisie

were playing on the climbing frame,

but little did they know that they were about to fall to their death.

And Maisie died!

- And then Karen died! - (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, hello. Is your mum or dad in?

Ah, well, I don't know where my mum is.

- And your dad? - He's on the toilet.

Right. Do you think he'll be long?

Well, he can be very long, but...do you want money?

Oh, no, no. I'm here to save your mummy and daddy...

- LAUREN: Hi, Karen! - Oh, hi, Lauren!

She came round to our house. My daddy says people like her should be shot.

My dad's on the toilet.

- LAUREN: Bye! - So do you want money or not?

Little did Lady Victoria know

that she was standing on top of a hot volcanic geyser.

I'm...I'm here to save your mummy and daddy money

by combining their internet and telephone access

through fibre-optic technology.

PETE: Who is it, Karen?

(YELLS) It's some person trying to sell...

cyber-optic technology thingy.

- (LAUGHS) Fibre-optic. - PETE: We're not interested!

- We're not interested. - Oh, but it's a really good deal.

- PETE: Tell her to go away. - Go away.

The rebels have to escape a deadly cloud of gas.

Ahhh!

Grrrarrrgh!

It burns! It burns! Everybody else is dead! It's just me!

It's just that I need to make a sale

- in order to... - You can always try other houses.

But I really can give you all...

Well, down there there's some old people and they're a bit...

crazy in the head, like most old people are,

so they'll buy anything.

He was wrestling the giant spitting cobra.

Ah! You're not going to spit at me!

Help me! I'm blinded! Ahh!

(GASPS)

Or maybe you should maybe make some drinks

and say, "Here, have a drink."

Or just bake something, like cakes or cookies,

and then say, "Would you like a cookie?"

Maybe...

"Get a free cookie if you buy my... the internet thing."

It really would save money

- throughout the year. - Well, we don't want to buy it...

But it really is a good deal.

Look, I just think you need to get better at this job

and, well, I'm fed up, so I'm going to go.

Karen, can you not tell strangers that I am on the toilet?

But you were.

Yeah, OK, but tell them...tell them I'm busy, or something.

But you weren't busy. You were just sitting there.

Only your bottom was busy.

And there was no need to slam the door in her face like that.

But she wouldn't listen. Like all grown-ups. They're idiots.

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

(GROANS)

Are you not going to answer that?

It was the headmaster.

That top looks nice.

That's three you haven't answered since you got home.

Is it?

No, that looks really, really nice.

No, it won't do, will it?

I don't want my sister making one of her charity-shop jibes.

Rahh!

(LAUGHS)

Is Auntie Angela coming here, then?

No. I've booked us in for dinner at that Italian place.

A rather shrewd move on my part.

Neutral ground.

Less chance of anything untoward happening between Mum and Angela.

Like Mum kicking her up the arse again?

Well, that's hardly likely to happen twice,

especially in a busy restaurant, in public.

Well, the wedding reception was in public.

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

JAKE: Well, that could happen again.

PETE: No, this place is always crowded. This time it will be fine.

JAKE: Dad, you said that last time.

But this time, Auntie Angela will be on her best behaviour

because she'll be with her new bloke, Brick.

Oh, God, I bet he's a pillock.

You know nothing about him.

He's a therapist, he's American and his name's Brick.

Well...

No, fair enough.

He's got to have a fake tan and a ponytail.

No, not both. No, that would be too obvious.

(PETE AND JAKE CONTINUE DISCUSSION)

So that's a quid on the ponytail

and a quid that, at some point, he'll use the phrase "low self-esteem".

OK. But I'm not letting you off bets any more.

- You lose, you pay. - OK.

- OK. - You owe me from the bet

about how many people would die in that episode of Casualty.

You cheated. You saw the gas explosion on the trailer.

What in God's name have you been doing?

Watering the plants. Mum said I could do it.

(GROANS) How long have you been...?

Oh, my God, it looks like the Somme.

Go upstairs and change into your smart stuff.

Why did you let Ben loose in the garden with the hose?

The big no-noes - Ben and water,

Ben and fire, Ben and depilatory cream.

I was wondering whether we should have bought Angela a wedding present.

Still, she didn't actually tell us that she was getting married....

so...

Who's Mimi?

Um...

Only she wants to talk about the other night. She's confused.

Mimi...?

Are you confused, as well? Because she's texted you...

seven times...

- in the last two days. - You've been looking at my texts?

- Who...is...Mimi? - So if I can't hit him,

how do I stop him...

- Not now, Karen. - ...from stealing my sausage rolls?

- PETE: Eh? - She got into trouble

- for hitting this boy at lunchtime. - Oh, you mustn't hit anyone.

Mrs Bassong said it was unladylike.

Well, she's never said Ben hitting anyone is "unmanlike".

Look, you don't hit him, you go and tell a teacher.

- But he'll have licked it by then. - Then hit him in a ladylike way.

- No, that is just ridiculous. - Can I hit him or not?

- It's a simple question. - No!

We'll get back to you on that. Now, off you go.

Because I need to know.

So now you've had plenty of time to think of an answer.

After Mikey's leaving do, we went on to this pub that does music

and this Mimi was there

and she came over...and we had a dance.

- A slow dance? - Well, slow-ish.

A medium slow. More...Derek Underwood than Shane Warne.

- Look, it was nothing. - Show me.

Sorry?

Show me how you danced with Mimi.

- Don't be silly. It was just... - How did you hold her?

- Look, don't be ridiculous! - Show me.

Well, I suppose if...

JAKE: Oh, God, get a room.

- Oh, Mum... - Jake, can you give us a few minutes?

All right, then.

(DOOR SHUTS)

And this is what she got confused about, is it?

I think she gets confused...

BEN: You know the sink plunger -

do they make them 500 times bigger for really big sinks?

Why would you want one that big?

- So I could pick up a much bigger tortoise

and I could go like that and I could use it a bit like a tortoise club.

- Wouldn't that be cool? - Yes, it would. Now, if you don't mind,

- Daddy and I... - Ooh, I think I left the hose on.

(BEN SHOUTS)

- (DOOR SLAMS) - Look, we danced

and at the end of the night, she kissed me

and I think she may have got the wrong idea.

I'm very sorry, but I was very, very drunk,

so I...

I kissed her back a bit

but, honestly, the state I was in, it could have been anyone.

It could have been...

anyone.

- I don't mean it could have been anyone. - Except me, presumably?!

I-I-I'm...I'm sorry but I...

KAREN: Can I wear my bridesmaid's dress?

No! So you got pissed and snogged a total stranger?

She wasn't a total stranger.

So who is she?

Why don't we talk about this after the meal with Angela?

She was the mum of a boy in Year 2.

Oh, God. It'll be all around the playground.

- No-one saw us. - Well, how do you know?

Were you alertly scanning the room when you shoved

- your tongue down her throat(?) - Listen...

It'll be just like when Beatrice's mum turned up at the nativity play

and it all went quiet and everyone heard Mary say to Joseph,

"That's the one who sexed the plumber."

Jesus, Pete!

It's not like that at all.

And what sort of name is Mimi, anyway?

Short for Mia.

It is not short for Mia! It's bloody longer than bloody Mia!

You've just snogged a woman

who's so stupid that she's shortened her name to something longer!

- Shh! - Don't tell me to be quiet!

- (WHISPERS) Jake. - What?

- (WHISPERS) Jake. - Oh, God.

(WHISPERS) Do you think he heard?

You see what you've done?

We can't pretend this hasn't happened. You're going to have to talk to him.

- Am I? - (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Oh, who the hell is that? - KAREN: It's Auntie Angela!

Oh, God. Oh, blo...

- ANGELA: Hi, Karen. Hello. - Do I look normal?

- ANGELA: This is Brick. - Absolutely.

Look, with Angela, can you just...just control yourself?

You want me to control myself after what you've just...

- Hi! - Hello.

I thought we were meeting in the restaurant.

Yeah, well,

- we were a bit early. - Brick.

- Great to meet you at last, Sue. - Oh, hello.

Pete? Pete, how's it going?

- Hello. - This is Taylor Jean.

- Say hi to everyone, honey. - Hi.

I didn't know you had a little girl, Brick.

- We have five kids. - (MOUTHS) Five?

Misty, Dune, Plymouth, and Mustang couldn't leave Phoenix right now.

What? Is Phoenix the youngest?

It's a place, Sue. Where we live

with our five kids.

- Oh, ah...r-right. - Did you buy your children?

- Buy them? - Yes, like, um...like Madonna?

Well, Madonna didn't actually buy her kids.

But last time you were here, you didn't have any kids,

so it's impossible to have five kids now

and especially at your age.

- Karen, that's rude. - No, no, it's fine.

They're my kids, Karen, from a marriage

I was in before. And now they're Angela's kids.

But where's their mummy?

- Taylor Jean, who's your mom? - Angela's my mom.

Hey, you've gotta be Jake. Hi, big guy.

- I like your ponytail. - Great.

So that leaves the legend I crossed the Atlantic to meet.

What I haven't heard about Ben!

Ben has actually had a very good year. Hasn't he, Pete?

Yeah, he's been picked by the school as being exceptionally gifted at chess.

- He's discovered his intellectual side. - Rahh!

Hi, Ben.

He's so muddy.

Whoa, cool! Hey, fella. I'm Brick.

- Brick? - Yeah, Brick.

- Is that a name? - Yes, it's a name.

You mean Brick as in brick, the thing?

Ben! Ben, go and get changed..

Go on. Then we can go around the corner

- to the restaurant. - BEN: Brick?

- I think it's a great name. - BEN: What a weird name!

What's it short for?

Well, what were you christened?

Brick. I was christened Brick.

Oh! Better still.

- So where is her real mum? - Karen!

- Sorry about that. - It's fine.

We've all got kids. We understand.

- BEN: So is Brick spelt like...? - So, which one is she?

I just want to know who they're talking about

when they giggle and point at me.

She's the one with the ginger boy who broke his foot last term.

- Her? - Yeah.

- Her?! - What?

(EXHALES) Nothing.

God, you must have been...

- That is...insulting! - Look, I didn't...

Look, I'm going to catch up to Angela and you're going to explain to your son

why you kissed someone older and fatter than me.

- So how was school today, Ben? - Great. We had sex education.

Right. Did they show you a film, or something?

No, Mrs Bradley asked us to shout out all the names we knew for men's bits.

Really?

We got to 18 and then Mrs Bradley wasn't sure about "pink bazooka".

- She said Ibrahim had made it up. - SUE: Hiya.

Which he had.

Jake!

Look, I think you may have heard something this morning

you really shouldn't have heard.

I couldn't help hearing.

OK, well, I want you to know that I hugely regret what I did.

Why? What did you do? I didn't hear that bit.

OK, maybe we don't need to talk.

No... No, Dad.

ANGELA: So, you've put the house on the market?

Yeah, yeah. We just... we wanted an upgrade.

- Everything good with you and Pete? - God, yes! Absolutely.

- Very good. - Great.

- Terrific. Top notch. - Fantastic.

Listen, Sue, what you did to me at the wedding reception,

I just want you to know I've already forgotten it.

Oh...great.

Shall we just turn over a new page?

Sue, I've turned over two new pages.

In fact, I've turned over an entire novel.

PETE: I didn't know this place had an upstairs.

So, Dad, what is this? Are you having an affair?

No! Shh!

(QUIETLY) Listen, Jake, I need you to be really grown up about this.

I got very drunk and I kissed this woman.

Mimi?

Yeah, that was...

Hang on, I thought you said you didn't hear.

Yeah, well, I heard that bit. Is she the ginger kid's mum?

Only Warren's dad had a thing with her when I was in Year 6.

Oh, right.

Warren says she's only desperate cos she's lonely.

She used to call him up all the time and cry down the phone.

- Did she? - She used to sit outside his house

- in her car. - Uh-huh.

And she posted him lots of...

Yeah, all right, thank you.

Hi, there.

Hi, Kelly.

I didn't know Kelly worked here. Did you?

Hello? Jake?

OK, big fella, you sit there.

TJ next to me.

Oh, no. No, this is no good. Kelly, um...

we seem to be in a room on our own.

Yeah, we had a bit of an overspill, so we put you in here. Yeah, but we...

we like eating where the action is. You know, amongst lots of people. Don't we?

- No, this is great. - And we are full downstairs.

Lovely(!)

Come on, Hugh Grant. You come and sit across from me.

Let's start with a bottle of red, honey. Choose us something nice.

- Actually, I don't think we'll be... - I'll have a Bloody Mary.

BRICK: Oh, this is great, isn't it? This is just great.

Jake, a quick reminder. Try looking at her face. Women like that.

They're not so keen on being looked at like some slab of meat.

That goes for you as well.

(SPOON RINGS AGAINST GLASS)

Now, guys, I just want to say a few words.

Now, I don't need to be a therapist to see there's an elephant in this room.

An elephant?

A hidden source of tension between two people who love each other.

But I like shooting elephants.

Now, we all know there's been history between these sisters.

- Can we forget it? No, we can't. - You can't shoot elephants!

Can we acknowledge it? Yes, we can.

Can we move on? Yes, we can!

Why does he keep repeating, "Yes, we can"?

...into a positive? Yes, we can. Of course we can.

Taylor Jean, can we be one big, loving family?

- Yes, we can! - Yes, we can!

- Why are we clapping? - Have we won something?

Thank you, Brick.

Yes, thank you, Brick. That was, um...that was...special.

Hmm, that was...fantastic.

So where is Taylor Jean's real mum?

Karen, now's not the time.

Hey, it's cool, Sue. Kids need answers.

And the answer, Karen, is that, sadly, there are some mothers so damaging

that kids prosper best without them.

Brick was amazing. He wouldn't stop fighting for his kids.

- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Wouldn't he?

It was you coming on board that clinched it with the judge.

Hello?

Taylor Jean's so much happier now she doesn't go to Tucson at weekends.

I'm so much happier.

Well, yes, Pete was naked,

but he'd forgotten that Maisie was staying overnight.

I'm sorry she's having trouble sleeping but...

Well, yes, he is quite hairy.

Well, at least it won't come as a shock to her in later life, will it?

No, sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Bye.

Sue?

Please.

Another bottle of red, honey.

- BRICK: That's the one I took. - ANGELA: Yeah.

Here we all are at San Diego Zoo.

In fact, it was Misty's giraffe poem that won us the trip.

Lovely!

Didn't you used to think

that children got in the way of being a free spirit?

God, no! What spirits could be freer than the spirits of kids?

There's such wonderful energy in a big family.

I know. It's great.

Well, yeah, I mean, you've got quite a big family, Sue,

but when there's seven of you, believe me, that is a big family.

So what should we all have for pudding?

- Here we all are in Hawaii. - Angie's the most phenomenal mother.

Both interactively and as a role model. She just never stops giving.

She's helped Misty overcome her food issues.

Is that Misty making the big splash in the swimming pool?

That's Dune. Misty had issues with under-eating.

The banoffee pie looks very tasty.

In fact, Brick's ex put her under so much gastric stress,

the poor child had to have so many tests...

Did she have to have a camera put up her bottom?

Cos that's what happened to Dad.

It turned out I have diverticular disease.

- Very mildly. - Quite mildly.

It's a syndrome which is present in quite a few people his age.

It's not a syndrome, it's a disease.

It's not a disease like leprosy, is it?

No, no, but it is more serious than a syndrome.

15 - tadger. 16 - dangler.

- Ben. - 17 - pink bazooka.

Ben, fella, that behaviour's inappropriate.

I'm bored of that word.

So when you replaced her real mum, what did you do with her real mum?

- Karen, stop it. It's not... - But it's not fair!

None of my questions get answered.

And you still haven't got back to me about the hitting.

- Hitting? - Well, yes.

They said they'd talk to me about when I can hit this boy at school...

Well, obviously you can't! We said that.

No, you didn't. You said I could hit in a ladylike way.

It's never right to hit. Not for children.

KAREN: Then how am I supposed to stop someone

from constantly stealing my sausage rolls?

You get a court order, stopping them from coming within 50 miles.

Why don't you kids play a game of consequences, or something?

Good idea, Hugh Grant.

I don't sound much like Hugh Grant.

You do. You've got that charming "ooh, ahh, ooh" thing going on.

- No, I haven't. - You do. You're doing it now.

It's charming.

OK, Jake?

Jake, have I got something on my face?

Only you just sort of keep staring at it. And so does your dad.

No, your face is great.

Well, it's OK. It's nicer than OK.

Right, right. Yeah, thanks.

I wish that guy with the ponytail would look at my face now and then.

Oh, I know. Some men just treat women like they're slabs of meat.

That's a very mature observation.

I'm quite mature, actually.

- I'd better... - Mm-hm.

You should get Brick to do a session with Karen about hitting.

- She doesn't need it. - You'd do that.

- Sure, honey. They're family. - SUE: She's fine.

He does this great game where they play hide-and-seek,

only they have to find themselves.

- Find themselves? - Yeah.

That'd be easy. You'd just look down and there you are.

No, Karen, sometimes you try and find something inside you

that you didn't know was there.

Like...a tapeworm?

No, not like that. It's like...

Or like a spoon that you swallowed by mistake or...

No, it's... She's very literal, isn't she?

See, we've all got dark places inside our heads.

Well, of course we have.

It's entirely dark unless we put, like, a window,

or we sawed the top of our head off.

- Karen... - (WHISPERS) I think she can handle this.

That wouldn't be very good, cos then we'd die eventually.

Well, it's like, if you were in a dark room

and you put a plant in a dark room and it never had any sunlight

and it would grow all twisted and tangled

and it wouldn't be good.

- It wouldn't grow at all. It'd die. - It might grow a tiny bit.

Have you ever eaten a tadpole for a bet?

Yes.

Have you ever...have you ever put fish food in your dad's tea?

Yeah.

Have you ever taken a seagull into a hotel bedroom?

Have you ever run away from home and got as far as New Mexico?

Yeah.

BRICK: I think you'll find that, actually,

there are hidden feelings inside all of us we have to acknowledge.

Give these feelings a name.

We need to say, "Bob..." -

if, say, we called these feelings Bob, "...get back!"

Why Bob, when you can call it anything, like Steve, or a girl's name, like Lucy?

Why do you have to call it Bob?

Well, you could say, "Lucy, get..." It doesn't work for me. I have...

Is this your job, to just say stuff like this?

Trust me, it's...it's a very useful...

Well, I don't trust you, because you're just talking nonsense.

If you'll just listen to me for two seconds.

It's not something a child necessarily understands...

But I-I-I do understand what you're saying.

It's just it doesn't make any sense because...

I'm not entirely sure your technique's going to work with Karen.

She sure has a lot of defences.

Welcome to English repression.

I really think we should order some pudding.

And some coffee, because we've had quite a lot of wine now.

- What does "repression" mean? - Ah, excuse me?

It's what everyone in England does, Ben -

don't let out the anger inside them.

- My mum lets out her anger. - Yeah, well...

- She kicked you up the... - Ben!

And she let out lots of anger

when she found out that Daddy had kissed a woman which isn't her...

I'll...just give you a couple more minutes to decide.

You did what?!

- How did you know about that? - I heard you and Dad talking.

You made promises at your wedding!

There's no need to tell everyone about it.

OK. OK, everybody calm down.

It was just a stupid incident that happened.

And Pete is not having an affair, if that's what you're thinking.

BRICK: Stuff happens.

We're animals dressed up in clothes, pretending not to be animals.

Sometimes we forget to pretend.

Look, "stuff" has not happened and I think that we should all move on.

And I, for one, am moving to the ladies.

- I'll just go and see if she's OK. - No, Angela, I don't think that's...

a very good idea.

Sue, I am so sorry.

Well, there's nothing to be sorry about. We're fine, really. Totally.

Listen, Brick is a great therapist.

- You should get him to talk to Pete. - What about?

Well, he's a licensed sex-addiction therapist.

Pete? A sex addict?!

He could help you both if you'll only let him in.

You've got to think about what this could do to the kids.

The kids?!

Last year, you were saying that kids turn you into a zombie.

This year you're Maria von bloody Trapp!

You'll make plenty of mistakes with Brick's children.

I doubt I'll ever leave one of them behind on a Scottish island.

I thought Pete had him, OK?

Look... (SIGHS) ...let's just stop this before we...

I was merely expressing surprise

that you've suddenly discovered children are so wonderful.

I found out they weren't all like yours.

- Ah, you have no bullets! - Oh!

So, Hugh Grant,

I thought you were one of these pussy-whipped English guys.

- I'm sorry? - (MIMICS) I'm sorry?

You don't have to be sorry. We're men.

As men, we are evolutionarily hard-wired

to nail as many women as we can.

You'll get better at it.

(WHISPERS) And then you won't get caught.

What?

- Everything OK? - Yep.

So where's Angela? She's...

Still in the toilet.

Right. But you haven't...

So, any decisions about pudding?

(SIGHS) Why don't we just skip pudding and get the bill?

I'll get that, honey.

No, that's kind, but let's split it.

- Everything all right? - Yes.

- That's me. - No, I said let's split it.

You're on teacher's wages. I'll pay, Prof.

I'd really rather you didn't.

Ooh, ouch. Some low self-esteem issues here.

That's for you, good-looking.

- Don't play the therapist with me. - Pete.

Pete's one of those guys who thinks charlatans become psychotherapists.

- Yeah, and Serbian war criminals. - Pete!

Whoa, Hugh Grant!

And if you call me Hugh Grant one more time,

I'm going to take your Platinum Visa card

and I'm going to shove it right up your...

(GIGGLES)

- I want my mom! - Oh, it's all right, sweetie.

No, I want my real mom!

I'll...pop back in a tick.

We need help fast! There's a triceratops having a heart attack.

- If Mum and Dad had a divorce... - Yeah!

...who would you live with?

Dunno.

I mean, Maisie, well, she lives with her mum,

and if she sees her dad coming,

then they have to press a button which goes straight to the police.

Does it fire rockets at him?

I've got Ben's bin.

Paper, paper, plastic...

God knows, but I don't like the look of it.

- Are these Ben's pants? - Put them in the compost.

Well, I didn't think the meal would end up like that -

Angela holding Brick back and shouting, "He's not worth it!"

I told you all that stuff he said about women.

Well, you're a well-known champion of women's rights.

I keep thinking about those poor children.

Poor fat Dune, poor thin Misty,

poor scary Taylor Jean...

Ah, there are the car keys.

- Auntie Angela's his third wife. - What?

Mm-hm. His second one's in a clinical facility in Tucson.

Well, who told you that?

Taylor Jean. Brick doesn't allow her mum's name to be spoken in the house.

Oh, poor Angela.

God help her.

KAREN: It'd be really hard to choose,

because if you chose Dad, then you'd really miss Mum,

and if you chose Mum, then you'd really miss Dad, so...

If they do get a divorce, you'd have to choose.

Listen, I just want you to know

that your dad and me, we're absolutely fine

and we're going to stay together

and so there's no need for you to worry about anything.

- Isn't that right, Pete? - Yes!

Absolutely.

Now, go and clean your teeth, you two,

and we'll come up and kiss you good night.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

You just did that to make them feel better, didn't you?

No, Jake, I didn't.

I mean, did you see that lot today?

It made me grateful for what I've got.

I love your dad,

and if he's done something wrong, then it might take me a few days,

but I'll forgive him.

So why don't you go and get ready for bed, too?

- Ah! You owe me a quid, Dad. - For the ponytail? I paid you.

No, for the "low self-esteem".

He got in a couple just before he asked you to step outside.

Did you Google him?

Come on, Dad,

there's not many therapists in Phoenix called Brick Bollinger.

"I specialise in low self-esteem issues."

Well, that's not fair.

You know, the gas explosion in Casualty wasn't fair, Dad.

Don't mess with the Googling generation.

Thank you for that, just now.

- For the forgiveness. - You didn't believe me, did you?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media