Episode 1 Outnumbered

Come on, Dad! This is like Usain Bolt racing against a dead tortoise!

For the last time, moving your legs doesn't make you go faster!

-Stop putting me off.

-Yes! New world record!

Well, it's not an actual world record, is it?

I can't be coming last.

You're forgetting to watch the stamina bar, Dad.

-This Nunchuk clearly isn't working.

-He said Nunchuk.

He said he'd never say the word Nunchuk cos he said it was "stupid, made-up technodrivel."

Dad, I know it's hard for you now you're slower than us

in the real world as well as the virtual world.

How many nuns could a Nunchuk chuck if a Nunchuk could chuck nuns?

Well, yes, you have finished the homework,

I'm just not sure about some of the choices you've made.

I mean, "Martin Luther King sexed lots of women who were not his wife".

-It said that on the internet.

-Yeah, I just wonder whether you shouldn't mention

some of the other things he did.

-Well, I decided to do mostly the women.

-Well, I'm just...

I'm just wondering about the second part where you're meant

to write your own Martin Luther King speech.

-I did it.

-Yes, "I have a dream" - good start -

"that one day I'll stop going out to make speeches all the time

"and spend time with my children like grown-ups are supposed to."

-Is this about me, Karen?

-No, it's about Martin Luther King.

-Dad, stop doing the feet!

-Another world record... YES!

-Ben!

-Oops...

-You have got to wear the safety cord around your wrist.

-You very nearly broke the telly. How many times have I told you?

-I don't know, 12?

-Right. You are disqualified.

-Why?

-Disqualified for not wearing the safety cord.

-You're last.

-Dad, you're last.

-No, I'm seventh.

-You're not disqualifying me cos I didn't wear the...

Right, another race. This time, I'm not being Princess Peach.

Listen, Karen, I hate having to work full-time,

but since what happened to Dad...

It's a mum's duty to pick up her children from school.

But most women have to work!

See? You're getting aggressive. That's what happens to women

that work like men - they start turning into men.

They get hair on their chest and then smash up town centres.

-Look, Karen, you want to have a career when you grow up, don't you?

-Yes, I want lots of careers.

That's great, and you can, because thousands of women fought for the right.

And whilst they were fighting, who was picking up their children from school?

-Well... wha... Why can't men do that?

-Because they're useless.

They forget your book folder.

Oh, you're just being silly now, Karen.

See? You're getting aggressive. You'll get hairy.

Yes, I win again!

Why are you doing the feet?

-Will you just...

-Look, Dad, you're in with a chance of coming seventh. Oh, no.

-Epic fail.

-Which one's you? The one on the ground wheezing?

You're only better than me because you play this all the time.

See, it's just...

-Jake, I'm talking. That is rude!

-No, it's not!

-Yes, it is, isn't it, Sue?

-Hm?

Oh!

It is rude to text when someone is talking.

Well, yeah, but it's only you.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

It might be someone selling something. I like those.

-Go!

-Cheat! I hadn't even picked up the remote.

-It's Gran!

-OK.

-Pete, it's your mum.

-You're putting me off.

-Hi, Sandra.

-Hello, Sue.

-Why's he moving his feet?

-Cup of tea?

-Yes, please.

-I'm overtaking you, you're going to lose this one.

-We'd better stop,

-your gran's here.

-But...that's not fair.

It's his hand-eye co-ordination. He was the same with conkers.

What was that nickname the other boys had for you?

We weren't expecting you, Mum. Is there a problem?

Oh, I just wanted a little chat about Bob's funeral tomorrow.

-Oh, hello, Ben. How's big school? I hear you got mugged.

-Yeah.

-Did they take much?

-Yeah.

-Has it happened to other children in your class?

-Yeah, most of them.

-And the gym teacher. They stole his hockey stick.

-It's ridiculous.

What do the police say?

They say, "Hand over your things without a fight."

They should get really small policemen and disguise them

as school children.

-Good thought.

-And give them mobile phones with tracking devices.

-Brilliant.

-With the germs of the bubonic plague in them

so that the muggers will catch it

and they'll get big boils that pop and burst and go all icky.

And then all their family will catch it and then they'll be wiped out.

Right. Well...

And they'll use the tracking devices

to go round picking up all the dead bodies.

She's really thought this through, hasn't she?

Karen, come on. Go off and finish your reading homework.

Cack-hands! That was the nickname.

-What's all this about the funeral, then?

-Well...

Your Uncle Victor was doing the eulogy

but he got all excited about his new hip so he went parascending yesterday and broke the other one.

Anyway, the family all had a chat and we thought it would be best

-if you did the eulogy for Bob.

-But, I'm only Bob's nephew. What about, erm... Alice?

-With her stammer?

-Tom?

-It's at midday, he'll be drunk.

-Cousin Justin?

-It's at midday.

-OK. Hang on, why can't you...

-I lack the warmth thing.

Look, it's not a problem, Victor's already written the eulogy,

all you have to do is read it out.

I told them you could manage that.

OK.

What about Rufus?

His Tourette's is getting worse. His wedding was embarrassing enough.

You'd think he could get through "I do".

So, Peter, what's this about you messing up at work?

-I need to watch the news for PSHE.

-But you watched it yesterday.

Yes, it changes every day. That's why it's called the news, tosspiece.

No, it doesn't change every day, tosspiece.

I mean, there are always people standing in front of Parliament

and it's always raining and there's always an Irish woman in Africa,

there's always someone ducking and...

-And they are different people!

-Well, how do you know?

-Cos I listen to the words rather than just looking at the pictures.

-Who's that?

-It's Prince Andrew.

-Oh, he sells guns.

No, he doesn't SELL guns, he just... hangs out with people who sell guns.

-I wonder if he's a hitman like his father?

-For the last time, Ben, Prince Philip is not a hit man.

-Every royal family are a mafia family.

-No, they're not a mafia,

they're the Royal Family.

it was a perfectly straightforward situation...

A junior member of my department was being utterly unprofessional

so I told the head that it was the other teacher or me.

And, obviously, knowing that to lose me,

the senior member of staff, would be insane, I offered my resignation.

-Which he accepted.

-Yes.

-By text.

-Yes.

-That evening.

Look, it was an insane decision.

But surely you can still back down and withdraw your resignation.

-What, grovel? It was a matter of principle, wasn't it, Sue?

-Well...

Yes...

-But I suppose technically you could still...

-Look, I found supply work all last week, didn't I?

Yes.

And actually, intellectually, it is very liberating

facing the challenge of a class with very few English-speaking pupils.

And we got a lot done, once I'd improvised a sort of partition

down the middle of the classroom between the Ethiopians and the Eritreans.

It's history in action. I'm seeing a whole new side to life.

-TV:

-The pound fell against the euro and the dollar...

The pound - it's always going up or down.

We should go back to the olden days where we used livestock for money,

like sheep or chickens. All the other countries have a coin and we have a chicken.

-What happens when you would like to buy a chicken?

-You buy one with chickens.

-How much is one worth in chickens?

-People don't sell...

How do you get change from a chicken?

Eggs.

So, Sue, would you still have gone full-time if Peter hadn't gone and burnt his bridges?

Well...

Mum, this eulogy for Bob, it doesn't mention Bernard.

Well, I think Uncle Victor thought it would create too many ripples.

There's some in the family haven't come to terms with Bob's gay phase.

"Phase"? Bob and Bernard have been together for the last 14 years.

Look, Peter, I'm perfectly at home with... gaiety.

But we've got to think of Dorothy.

It's a shock finding your husband prefers men.

She took it very personally, him coming out in Sainsbury's like that.

-But Bernard'll be really upset if he's ignored.

-Oh, he's used to that.

The family have ignored him for years.

I can't do a eulogy for Bob that doesn't mention Bernard.

-Well, it's up to you, but if I was you, I...

-Hang on, what about Hettie? She could do the eulogy.

Hettie - who went round telling everyone Bob was diabolically possessed?

All right, I'd forgotten about the whole exorcism thing.

Ben! You don't make cheese on toast in the toaster.

-Yeah, but it's called cheese on toast.

-Yes, but...

-What if I turn it on its side?

-No!

-OK, I'll put it in the microwave.

-Look, no!

Just walk away, I'll make you some.

I'd like to come to Uncle Bob's funeral, if that's all right.

Well, yeah, of course, if you want to.

If you'd like to pay your respects, I think that would be nice.

Ben's out by the dustbins with the glow in the dark paint again.

Ben! Leave those snails alone!

-He can't hear you.

-I'll text him.

What has he done here?

Pete, I just happened to be talking to Denzil, you know,

from your old school, about the quiz night,

and he mentioned that they haven't actually replaced you yet.

You just "happened" to speak to Denzil,

who you never speak to, about the quiz night that we never go to.

Well, I just thought you'd like to know that if you wanted to, you could still...

-You want me to go back and grovel to the headmaster.

-Of course not!

Absolutely not, no.

Though, of course, you would only be grovelling outwardly.

-Inwardly, the real Pete...

-Oh, for God's sake!

-Is this Ben's "Will slugs survive global warming?" experiment?

-No, it's yesterday's burnt fish fingers...

-I've been working, Ok?

-If Jake's going to the funeral then I want to go too.

I liked Uncle Bob as well.

Ben, it's not a party, it's a religious service.

You know how bored you got when Gran took you to church.

Yeah, but the juice and cookies bit was good.

Wine and wafers.

And you shouldn't have gone up for that bit anyway.

-Oh, you're so gay.

-Ben! I've told you about using the word gay in that way.

and, apart from anything else, Uncle Bob and Uncle Bernard were gay.

-Were they?

-Yes.

-What, both of them?

-Yes.

I liked him. Uncle Bob taught me how to dive.

Yeah, I just wish he'd mentioned you're only supposed to do it into water, but...

I really want to say goodbye to him. If Jake can pay his respects,

why aren't my respects worth as much as his?

Jane said that she took Alexa to her gran's funeral

and she said it really helped.

-Yes. Yes, seeing as you're being so grown up about it. Yes.

-Yay!

-Do I get to see the dead body?

-No!

Nyah.

I'm going to a funeral, Jake!

-What?! How come you can go and I can't? That's not fair!

->

She's too young to go, isn't she?

-No-one is going to stop me...

->

-Absolutely. No, she's too young.

-If anyone tries to tell me I can't go I'll go absolutely nuts!

->

DOOR SLAMS

Mind you... nine.

You've come down to play Wii at four o'clock in the morning?

No.

No, I couldn't sleep, I came down here to rewrite the eulogy a bit.

And, as it happens, now I'm on a break,

which happens to be on the Wii.

-I could hear you swearing from upstairs.

-I came third.

I can't decide whether to call Bernard a "partner"

or a "companion".

-What's this you've crossed out? "Boyfriend".

-That was a first draft.

What do you think of flat mate? I mean, it's technically correct.

-Lodger?

-Toy boy? Joke.

But no, you're right to mention him.

Um... See, I was thinking, um, if you didn't mind taking the children to the funeral,

then I could really get cracking on Ben's room.

You'll be gone eight hours, I reckon, and I could really make a good start.

-Sue... Sue... I know what you're thinking.

-Well, what if... if?

Listen, it is not going to happen to you twice.

If you say so.

Come on, let's get some sleep.

Oh, have a look outside.

Ben's glow-in-the-dark snails actually look rather cool.

Oh, yeah.

Is this fruit bread mouldy?

That's not even fruit bread, bung it in the compost.

-Any better?

-I don't know how I did it.

Well, I wonder if it's the three hours you spent playing on the Wii.

-Will anybody cry at Uncle Bob's funeral?

-It's possible,

but the important thing to remember about this funeral, Karen,

-is that it's not a sad day.

-Well, it is for Uncle Bob.

-Well, yeah,

-but it's a celebration of his life.

-Surely he should've done that before he died.

That would've been better cos then he would've been able to come.

I think he would've liked that much more.

Look, why don't we, um, take you through the day,

-what happens at a funeral?

-I know what happens at a funeral.

They put the coffin in the ground and the men fire guns at it.

-Well..

-And then...

-Well, shoot over it.

-the Pope asks...

-The Pope?!

..if anybody has a good reason why the person shouldn't go to heaven.

And no-one ever says anything.

As I say, why don't we take you through...

-I went to a cremation once.

-No, you've never been to a...

Yeah, but I was really tiny and there was this bouncy castle.

-And a magician.

-What?!

And I remember this body that was going round and round on this pole over a fire.

That was a hog roast.

Anyway, it's going to be very different today.

There'll be songs and prayers, and then the vicar and,

and me will talk about some memories we have of Uncle Bob.

And then eventually the coffin goes behind a curtain so it can be cremated.

Which is the bit that can be a bit scary. But it is mostly symbolic.

Just as long as Uncle Bob's body isn't really in there.

-No, it is in there.

-What?!

What if he's not really dead yet?!

-Well, they check really carefully.

-But I hear stories on the news all the time about doctors that

think people are dead and then

they're in their coffin and they sit up and ask where their dinner is.

In Victorian times they had a bell they'd give to dead people

so they could ring it in their coffin if they weren't dead.

-That's sensible.

-Maybe they've done that. Anyway...

-Well, have they or haven't they?

-Karen!

What we need, to check if he's alive or not, is some sort of emergency device.

-You're going to get...

-If he woke up and was like "Oh, my God, I'm in a coffin, I'll die, there's no food!"

and he got all claustrophobic there could be a button saying, erm, Ejector Coffin.

An ejector coffin?

So if he pressed it the coffin would shoot out of the ground and land...

-Well, how would...?

-But then, er, what if it hits someone?

-Then they'd be dead and he'd be alive... Or you could get a trained badger.

-Ben!

-We're not going to need any of this.

-..Tap the badger, and then the badger.

Ben, I swear he won't need a bell or...a badger.

-What about an armadillo?

-Or an ejector coffin, because he's...

..no more. And that's sad.

But we're past the sad bit and today is a celebration -

a happy celebration - of his life.

-OK?

-OK.

-Thanks for all your help there.

-You were doing such a good job,

I just thought I'd let you roll.

I'm going to stick with this.

"Not forgetting the 14 happy years

"he spent with his loving partner, Bernard."

-Can we take some cookies with us?

-Karen!

What are you wearing?!

A dress.

Well, it's... It's just that it's a bit bright for a funeral.

But it's a happy day! He said so.

Yes, it's a happy day where people usually wear black.

But black's not a happy colour.

Black's the colour of beetles and school shoes

and Miss Barrington's enormous eyebrows.

It's usually seen as a sign of respect to wear black at a funeral.

-But...

-And Aunty Dorothy - his,

sort of, widow - she's quite traditional.

But Uncle Bob said he liked this dress. He said, "Karen, that's a very nice dress."

-You could wear that cool black top from Bella's pirate party.

-No, she can't.

-That's quite smart.

-It's got a skull and crossbones on the back.

-I'm wearing this dress.

She can't wear that dress. It's a funeral - it's meant to be sad.

With a strong element of celebration.

Celebration in black.

H-Happy black. Celebration...

Oh, Sue...are you all right?

No, it's OK. I've not been crying -

I've just got some of the Deep Heat I was rubbing in to Pete's neck in my eye.

I'd better go and...

So, have you gone back to the headmaster about your job?

Hello, Mum, how are you?

No, I haven't.

You made a mistake there.

I tried to teach you when you were young - no-one's indispensable.

You did. I remember you telling me that when you had my rabbit put down.

You haven't changed it, have you?

I'm just going to say,

"Not forgetting the 14 happy years

"he spent with his loving partner, Bernard."

Are you?

Only Tom was just saying he hopes no-one brings up anything that demeans a solemn occasion.

-Was he?

-I think that's what he said. It was a bit slurred.

Oh, great(!)

-And once I've said, "Hello, Peter," I'll introduce you.

-OK.

-Is that the eulogy?

-Er, yeah. I didn't actually write it, so if...

-Actually, I've rewritten it a little...

-Yes. How long is it?

-How long?

-Two minutes, three minutes?

-Er, well, maybe four minutes.

-Ooh, three minutes would be better.

We're a bit behind.

I'm sorry, Peter, but these days it's like everything else -

-sell 'em cheap, stack 'em high.

-Right.

The last lot were nearly ten minutes over!

The guy giving the eulogy kept sobbing, so it really spread.

Well, I'll try not to show any emotion.

Oh, and the organist made a right pig's ear of Lady Gaga's Let's Dance.

He was used to the usual version,

but they insisted on some Colby O'Donis remix.

Anyway, not to worry. If you start running over,

-I'll give you the red light.

-The red light?

Three flicks. On and off.

But if you could cut a few lines, that'd be great.

Dorothy.

Don't worry - you'll be fine.

It's not going to happen to you today.

God, you're small.

Was Uncle Bob always gay?

Even when he was married?

Well, yes, I think so.

The house was always full of Judy Garland records.

That's a bit homophobic!

What? Saying that a gay man is more interested in a certain type of music,

or more interested in clothes? That's not homophobic.

That's just...true.

-Yeah, Mum's right.

-You know nothing about it!

-Jeremy Clarkson wears cool clothes and he's gay.

-Jeremy Clarkson is not gay, you idiot.

Yeah, he is. He lives with two men.

Yeah, on TV. That's on TV. He has...

Oh, that's enough, boys. Come on. We'd better go in.

-Hey, Uncle Bernard!

-Oh, hello, you two...

-(Pretty dress, Karen.)

-See!

I always liked Uncle Bob.

Whenever I asked, he'd always show me his extra toe.

Yes, I liked that about him, too.

-Look, Mum, if you don't think about it, it won't happen.

-Thanks a lot.

And now you've made me think about it.

God, it is like the Spanish Inquisition.

-Everyone keeps asking if I've added anything to this.

-Well, I dunno.

Maybe you shouldn't.

What?!

But you said I...

Where we all may settle down in the care of our lord.

And now Peter is going to continue our celebration

by sharing some memories of Bob with us.

So, what can you say about Bob?

And he always stayed close to his brothers, Tom and Victor,

and, of course, his sister, Sandra.

They were close -

not only in the friendship they enjoyed, but also geographically.

In fact, Bob joked that he could never get away from them

because wherever he moved, they followed.

Of course, what brought him to Woking...

SUE SNORTS ..was meeting Dorothy...

..who was not only a wife, but a friend for the dozen successful years they lived there.

They say all good things have to come to an end...

SHE GIGGLES

..but that time was an incredibly important part of Bob's life...

SHE SWALLOWS A GIGGLE

..not forgetting the 14 happy years Bob spent...

..with his...

With his...

With his memories,

after his amicable separation from Dorothy.

SHE SQUEAKS

Anyhow, this isn't a mournful gay.

Day. SHE GIGGLES

It's a day to celebrate and to...

SHE CHUCKLES

It's... It's a...

It's a form of grief. It's, er...

SUSAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

She isn't actually finding it funny.

It's a nervous...thing.

It happened at her mother's funeral.

Anyhow, that's, er... That's about it.

I'd just like to mention some of the other people who were important to Bob.

Er...

Hettie, James, Justin and Vera.

And Bob's loving partner, Bernard.

Thank you, Peter.

Lovely tribute.

And next we're going to the song today.

A song that Bob chose himself.

A song made famous by Judy Garland.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

-SONG PLAYS ON ORGAN

-See!

Er...he is definitely dead in there, isn't he?

I don't call that much of a celebration, Mum.

You were the only one that seemed happy.

Yes.

That wasn't quite what I was aiming for.

Well, don't worry. Most people's abiding memory will be of Rufus's Tourette's during the final blessing.

-I-I'm so sorry.

-Don't worry.

Grief affects people in weird ways.

I'm REALLY sorry... I just...

I just don't think I've ever really got over Mum, and...

it just seemed to stir up lots... PETE!

Hmm?

Oh, sorry, I'm just texting Denzil to see if I've been replaced.

Look, I know you hate working full-time, so, if you want...

I'll go and see the head,

eat humble pie and see if there's any chance of getting my job back.

No, sod it, life's too short.

And I'm glad you mentioned Bernard.

Do you know, so am I.

All this "poor Dorothy" stuff.

She was enough to turn anyone gay.

No, Peter. Well done.

I'm proud of you.

Bloody hell! Grief really does affect people in weird ways.

Ben, there is no life after death.

-This is how I think it works.

-Ben...

-If you live a bad life,

like, er... Like Hitler did,

then you could come back as a crappy thing like a wasp.

-But then...

-A wasp?!

-..if Hitler was a good wasp,

then he could come back as the Archbishop of Canterbury.

So, the Archbishop of Canterbury used to be a wasp?

-And before that he was Hitler?

-No! It's an example.

-Well, examples to...

-He could've been an alien!

Oh, no!

Karen's talking to Uncle Tom again.

-I know he's a bit hammered, but does it matter?

-Yes.

She's got inside his head about Bob still being alive in the coffin.

-How can anyone be a good wasp?

-You know -

doing good wasp things.

-Not stinging people, er, being nice to the Queen...

-What are you...

Being nice to other wasps. Erm, yeah!

Well, you've probably been killed loads of times in your past life, cos you never shut up.

Good try.

Under four minutes. We'd have finished on time if it hadn't been for that giggling fit.

Well, she couldn't help herself.

I thought it was nice that you mentioned Bernard.

Oh, thank you.

-So, did you know Bob and Bernard?

-Yes, I did.

In fact, I knew Bob in Woking before he met Bernard.

Oh, so are you a friend of Dorothy?

..and Bob.

Bob and Dorothy as a... As a couple.

Thank you very much for a lovely service. I've got to, er...

mingle.

Oh, hi, Bernard.

Did you, um...

like how I mentioned you?

I wish you hadn't.

I specifically asked Victor not to.

I prefer to stay out of the limelight.

CHEERING ON GAMES CONSOLE

Yes! First place! GAME BLEEPS

New world record!

SMASHING

DOGS BARK

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd