Episode 1 Outnumbered


Episode 1

Family-based sitcom. The Brockmans face fresh challenges as Karen has trouble adapting to big school, Ben auditions for the school musical and Jake makes a foolish fashion choice.


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Transcript


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No, no, I pressed seven, but the man on seven

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said I had to press three, and you're three.

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No. No. Well, the point is you have sent me a bill I can't possibly pay.

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I can't pay it because it is for the sum of

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zero pounds, zero, zero pence.

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So, eh, I am just notifying you that...

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What do you mean, I've got to pay it?

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I've got to pay you the sum of zero pounds

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or else the computer won't understand?

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OK, fine.

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So, how are we doing, team? HE SIGHS

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Ow! Ow, God. It's static! It's this cardigan.

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I feel like a ball of electricity. It's like being one of the X-Men.

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Knitwearwoman.

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-So how was school?

-Still there.

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Ow! Oh.

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Cheerier than yesterday.

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Yeah, she should have settled in by now.

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I thought once the first term was over she'd be OK, but...

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Well, you know, big school, takes a lot of getting used to.

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Took me months to start making friends.

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I remember one day the other kids grabbed my scarf

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and threw it on the railway line...

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..And then my shoes...

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And my trousers...

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And my underpants.

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And there was another time, at the sports ground...

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Is this going to be the anecdote about the time you got

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-lashed to the roof of the minibus?

-Possibly.

-OK.

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I think the big thing she's struggling with is not being the star turn.

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I mean, academically, these kids are much stronger.

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I don't know, maybe we've got the wrong school.

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Maybe we should have sent her to St Mungo's.

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-Maybe. I've heard horror stories.

-About St Mungo's?

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Well, Frank Pringle says that his son has already been offered drugs twice.

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-Once by an RE teacher.

-Do you think we've made the right choice?

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Well, we'll never know for certain.

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Besides, is it the school that's the problem or is it her? She's not exactly...

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-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

-Hiya.

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Why does he always slam the door like that? Every time.

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Can you not slam the door?

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-Did I slam it?

-Yes. The windows are still rattling.

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You're a bit late.

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-Had an audition.

-Oh.

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For the lower school show. It's a musical.

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I bet it's Oliver! Yeah, it'll be Oliver! Schools always do Oliver!

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-No, it's Spartacus.

-A musical about Spartacus?

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-Yeah.

-I didn't know there was a musical about Spartacus.

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There isn't yet. Mr Farthingwell is writing it.

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Mr Farthingwell?

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The new music teacher.

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The one that let Ben borrow the school drum kit over Christmas.

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Oh, yes... I remember.

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Anyway, it's going to be awesome.

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There's songs, gladiator fights and we have a sea-battle.

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And you're auditioning for a singing part...?

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-Yeah.

-..that involves singing?

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Yeah.

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Well, good for you! That's really great that you're having

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a crack at something outside your comfort zone.

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But just... You know, just remember that an audition can be...

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You know, there's always a chance that you might be disappointed.

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It won't bother me if I don't get a part.

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Mr Farthingwell says if I don't get a part, I can do the lights.

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-The lights? With electricity?

-Yeah.

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I really like Mr Farthingwell. He has some really big ideas.

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At his last school, he put on a musical about Salman Rushdie.

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Right...

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-And how did that go?

-Fine.

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He had to have a policeman outside his house for a few months... Listen to this.

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"The Romans were so frightened of Spartacus and his rebels

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"that they decided to evacuate Rome."

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Well, that's the Italian army for you.

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Racist joke.

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How is that a racist joke?

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Hmm, no. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's just racist.

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Oh, not this again.

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I'm just saying you purely assuming that all Italians are cowards is racist.

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I'm not saying all Italians are cowards. I'm going on...

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Oh, so if you were going to

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pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio, do you think he...

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You wouldn't have to pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio.

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-He would pick a fight with you.

-So...

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I'm not a racist.

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I'm not criticising you. I'm just saying,

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it's unfortunate that you have to be burdened with that mindset.

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He's got a point, Dad.

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You can't help it.

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You know that story you tell about Mr Patel at the newsagents?

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You can't tell that story without doing this weird wobbling with your head.

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He wobbles his head.

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So why is that funny? Why do you laugh at it? Why do you impersonate him?

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I don't know why it's funny. It just is funny.

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OK. Fine, well, why didn't you...

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You do what I would consider racist things.

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-What about video games? They're racist.

-Well, how are they racist?

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You have a towel head count.

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All right, boys. Let... Ow!

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-Why is it...

-Maybe it's you.

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-Eh?

-Maybe it's not the cardigan.

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Maybe it's you. Maybe your body is, you know, especially static-y.

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"Static-y?"

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Yeah.

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Pete Brockman - man of science.

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Hey, Dad. Look at Beckham's latest tattoo.

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God, what does he look like?

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He looks good.

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Used to be only sailors got tattooed.

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And now, every morning on the Tube, I'm surrounded by human billboards

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with snakes peeping out of their sleeves.

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In 40 years' time, we will be the most unattractive nation on the planet.

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Everyone will be covered in very wrinkly, saggy reptiles.

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I reckon, anyone who gets a tattoo needs a brain transplan...

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You've got a tattoo, haven't you?

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What?! You got a tattoo!?

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-Yeah.

-Where?

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In Camden Town.

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On your body!

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Oh, right. Em, it's just behind my right shoulder.

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For God's sake!

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Come on, then. Show us the damage.

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What were you thinking of? Honestly!

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OK, first question, what the hell is it?

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Looks like a spider.

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It's the Ancient Persian word for "peace".

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What possessed you?

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It was an impulse. we were in Camden Market and...

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You were in Camden Market and you suddenly decided to get a tattoo?

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What are you, a German tourist?

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-Look...

-How much did it cost?

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-Actually, it was really cheap.

-That explains the green edges.

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-What?

-The edges are green.

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Oh, right. Yeah, he said, to start with, there might be some discolouration.

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Right, a cheap tattoo parlour. Smart move, Jake.

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Oh, I'm sorry, but all the Harley Street tattooists were booked up!

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Hey, neat spider.

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It's not a spider!

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It's Ancient Persian...for "sucker".

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I made a fashion choice, OK?

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A hat is a fashion choice. Carving into your body is...

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Mum, I'm 17.

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I'm old enough to decide to die for my country, I can choose to get a tattoo.

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Well, you're not very likely to die for your country,

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although you are quite likely to die from septicaemia.

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It's just a tattoo, it's not genocide.

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HE BANGS CHAIR

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DOOR SLAMS

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SHE SIGHS

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You concentrate on the littlest one

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because you think she's the one with the problems,

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and then the one that's virtually an adult goes and does something stupid. Oh...

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Do you think Ben'll be all right if he doesn't get a part in that show?

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He's more sensitive than he lets on and everybody forgets he's only 13,

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-because he's so...

-Bloody huge. Oh, he'll be fine.

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Well, if it involves singing...

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You don't have to be able to sing to be in a musical.

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Russell Crowe proved that.

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But Ben's got a voice like a walrus.

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Again - Russell Crowe for Les Miserables.

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Listen...

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You've got to stop worrying about everyone, OK?

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Mum OK?

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Yeah, she's OK. You OK?

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Er, I'm a bit worried about something.

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Oh, right. OK.

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Well, come on. Let's, um... Let's chat about it, sweetheart.

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It's been worrying me for weeks.

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Whatever the problem is, I'm certain we can sort it out.

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It's about Tommy.

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Tommy the hamster?

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Yeah. I'm worried that he's stuck under the floorboards.

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Look, I think we're going to have to be realistic about this, darling.

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He disappeared down that hole two months ago,

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and, even if he is trapped, by now he...

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There's that factory that collapsed in Bangladesh

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and they found that woman weeks after it had collapsed on her, still alive.

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So we can't give up on Tommy.

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I don't really think there's anything we can do.

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You said, whatever the problem was, you were certain

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-that you could sort it out.

-Yeah, but that was...

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-Bullshit?

-Hey!

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Not... No.

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What I meant was any problem of a non-hamster-related nature.

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Look, we did everything we could possibly do at the time, didn't we?

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We made a thorough search of the house,

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we put all those pictures of him up on the lampposts.

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You called Chris Packham on Autumnwatch...

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and at his home.

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I really don't think there's anything constructively that we can do.

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Well, we could take up the floorboards.

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What are you...?

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Wait. Taking up the floorboards might be a little bit expensive.

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-How much would it cost?

-About 2,000 hamsters' worth.

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Look, I tell you what, your dad and I will have a think about it

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and we'll see what we can come up with, OK?

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OK.

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What did you say that for?

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Well, she's had such a difficult time lately,

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I didn't want to upset her any more.

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So what do you suggest? Cos now she's not going to be happy

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until that hamster is the focus of an international rescue effort

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and live reports from Orla Guerin.

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It's not about the hamster.

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Isn't it?

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No, it's her anxiety about school coming out sideways.

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We don't have to do anything.

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We just have to be sympathetic.

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So all that stuff you said, that was...

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Bullshit.

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Oh. OK. Fair enough.

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I need to pick a piece for my audition. Could I try some out on you?

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-Erm...

-I was thinking that I'm going to go with

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the Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You.

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Right.

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That's...

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That... That's quite high.

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Is it?

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Yeah, there are quite a few...top notes.

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Which I'm sure you can hit, Ben, yeah.

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I'll be in the shed if anyone wants me.

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Stay and listen if you want.

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Oh, no, no. I've got a tin ear. Your mum, she's the musical one.

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I'll catch you later.

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Could you just bung me that cardigan? There's a bit of a draught in here.

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Ow!

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Oh, dear! You must be static-y.

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DISTANT SIRENS WAIL

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What are you doing? It's quarter past midnight.

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What do you make of this?

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I sent an email to Karen's form tutor

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telling her that Karen didn't want to sit next to this girl Dionne

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because she finds her disruptive, and the form tutor's emailed back,

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saying that she takes my point, but she is...

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"Running out of classmates who Karen is prepared to sit next to."

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Well, that's fair comment, isn't it?

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It just got me thinking, that's all.

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Maybe Karen isn't the only one who's having problems settling.

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Maybe it's a more general problem,

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and then I thought there's a quick way to find out.

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-Which is?

-Ask the other parents.

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So I'm sending them all an email.

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In God's name, no.

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-What?

-You cannot send an email at 12:15am.

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Why not?

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Because you will start one of those late night email firestorms.

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Don't be ridiculous.

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You should never, ever, send an email asking someone's opinion

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after eleven o'clock at night.

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Well, actually, I've already sent it.

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That's insane.

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All I've done is ask for the input of 30 or so adults.

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Many of whom will have half a bottle of Merlot inside them

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and be just itching to pour out their gripes.

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Rubbish! This is exactly the kind of group consultation

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that email is perfect for.

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-EMAIL ALERT

-There you are. I've already got a reply.

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That's a lot of capital letters, isn't it?

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Well, she's obviously a concerned mother who's...

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who's a bit upset about the fact that the school has failed to make

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the connection between her child's pyromania

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and... And the fact that she is exceptionally gifted.

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Right.

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EMAIL ALERT Oh, there's another one.

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-Whoa!

-Oh.

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Look at the exclamation marks on that!

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-Well, again, he's a...

-Concerned father?

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..who's a bit concerned about the quality of the teaching staff.

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First time I've seen the word "wankers" spelt with a Z.

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EMAIL ALERTS Oh, you've got another five replies.

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No, six. You have hit a grievance gusher.

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Yeah...

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You're not replying, are you?

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You can't not reply to a reply. That's rude.

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EMAIL ALERTS You've already poked the hornet's nest,

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you don't want to carry on whacking it.

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In a way, this response is quite reassuring

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-because Karen is obviously...

-EMAIL ALERT

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..not the only one with concerned parents.

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I'm not concerned. I'm going to bed.

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EMAIL ALERT

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-13.

-EMAIL ALERT

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-14.

-EMAIL ALERT

0:13:040:13:06

-15.

-EMAIL ALERT

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-SIGHS

-16.

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EMAIL ALERTS

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That thing is the king of toasters.

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I'll tell you a way to make friends at a new school, Karen.

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Do something mental.

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I don't do mental.

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My second day, I got this huge tray, and I

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sledged down the roof of the music block. After that, I had tons of friends.

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-And a surgical collar.

-Yeah, I got them all to sign it.

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Why don't you join a band? That's a good way to make friends.

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Or be the funny girl.

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You could, like, create all the jokes and stuff

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and you could make, like, a song up about your teacher,

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and then put it on the internet. But, remember, wear a mask or something

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cos, well, I didn't, and you need to hide your identity.

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How's the shoulder, Spider-Boy?

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-Fine.

-Good, good. How about you, Karen?

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How are you? Raring to go?

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Got double English today. You like English, don't you?

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Dad, I did some research.

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There are these things called thermal imaging cameras.

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We could hire one.

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Tommy's gone. He's not going to have survived for two months on his own.

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-Why not?

-Because he's a hamster, not Bear Grylls.

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-Yeah, all right.

-Hamsters are domestic pets. You don't see David Attenborough documentaries

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about hamsters roaming the open plains.

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-OK, that's...

-Tommy's natural environment is a wheel.

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You're just grumpy because your spider's going green.

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It's not a spider!

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Oh. Jeez, look at the time. Come on, Karen.

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Chop chop, cos you're going to miss your bus.

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And no fluorescent socks!

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Better check the travel news.

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See if the District Line has phoned in sick again.

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Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake?

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Well, every child is different.

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Yeah, no two kids are the same.

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She just said that.

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Yeah. And I was I was reinforcing it.

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-I mean, it was a tight decision.

-Yes.

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-Eh, we felt that, um...

-On... On balance,

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em, the school Karen's at is known for...having lots of structure.

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Structure, that's right.

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And, eh, the school is a school with a more...scholastic approach.

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So, in the end, we felt, eh, Karen would perhaps

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benefit from being challenged, academically speaking.

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Are you saying she's brighter than us?

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-No.

-Not at all.

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-No. No way.

-The reverse.

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-Um...

-Cos actually what we actually are saying

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is that every child has different needs.

0:15:230:15:27

And one chooses a school which is best tailored to that child's needs.

0:15:270:15:34

Better shift.

0:15:370:15:38

I think they bought it.

0:15:420:15:44

LORRY BEEPS

0:15:460:15:49

FRONT DOOR CLOSES Ben?

0:15:490:15:51

No, the slam wasn't deafening enough!

0:15:510:15:53

What are you doing?

0:15:550:15:56

Psychology essay.

0:15:560:15:58

While watching TV, listening to music and Facebooking.

0:15:580:16:01

Mm-hmm. I'm multitasking.

0:16:010:16:03

There's no such thing as a multitasking, just doing lots of things badly.

0:16:030:16:07

The correct term is "multifailing".

0:16:070:16:09

The warrior returns. Feed me, wench!

0:16:110:16:14

Pete, this is Esme.

0:16:140:16:16

Hello, Mr Brockman.

0:16:160:16:18

Oh, hi, Esme.

0:16:180:16:21

Er, tea?

0:16:210:16:22

(That's encouraging. She's invited a friend home.)

0:16:230:16:27

(I invited her.)

0:16:270:16:29

-Eh?

-Yeah, I overheard her mum, struggling with some pick-ups, on the phone,

0:16:290:16:34

so I volunteered to have Esme for a bit, you know, for a bit of bonding.

0:16:340:16:38

So, girls, how was school today?

0:16:380:16:41

Anything exciting happen?

0:16:430:16:45

You're very quiet, Karen.

0:16:460:16:48

She got a 4L in English.

0:16:480:16:49

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

0:16:490:16:51

No, it is.

0:16:510:16:53

Well, er, then, Karen,

0:16:540:16:56

it's... It's a very good position to improve from.

0:16:560:17:00

Then she argued with the teacher about her bad mark,

0:17:000:17:03

and because she kept arguing, we missed most of our break.

0:17:030:17:06

Well, she's a horrible teacher. She's obsessed with apostrophes.

0:17:060:17:09

-Apostrophes are important.

-No, they're not.

0:17:090:17:11

Everyone gets them wrong and they slow down your texting.

0:17:110:17:13

You need punctuation.

0:17:130:17:14

If you didn't have punctuation, look, the words would just crash into each other.

0:17:140:17:18

-You need colons and semicolons...

-Really? Why?

0:17:180:17:20

Colons are very important. If you didn't have a colon,

0:17:200:17:22

you wouldn't be able to put a smiley face at the end of your text messages.

0:17:220:17:26

Punctuation is stupid. It's just...

0:17:260:17:27

Let's not get sidetracked, shall we?

0:17:270:17:30

The thing is, Karen, you go to a school where there are a lot of

0:17:300:17:32

bright kids, and it's important that you don't measure yourself

0:17:320:17:37

against anyone else. You must always just measure yourself against...yourself.

0:17:370:17:43

How can you measure something against itself?

0:17:430:17:45

It'll just be the same size.

0:17:450:17:47

What was the exact mark?

0:17:470:17:49

49%.

0:17:490:17:50

-Well, that's midway.

-It's slightly lower than that, actually.

0:17:500:17:53

Yes, thank you, Esme. You're clearly very good at maths.

0:17:530:17:56

I am quite good.

0:17:560:17:57

They asked me to mentor Karen cos she's struggling a bit.

0:17:570:18:01

-Who wants some ice-cream? Ice-cream?

-Yes, please.

0:18:020:18:05

-Esme?

-Oh, no, she can't have any,

0:18:050:18:08

because she's lactose intolerant. Isn't that a shame?

0:18:080:18:11

-Cake?

-Oh no, not that either.

0:18:110:18:13

It's got nuts, and so her face'll go like...

0:18:130:18:17

..and then they'll have to stab her with an EpiPen.

0:18:180:18:20

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

-BEN: I'm ho-ome!

0:18:220:18:24

-What has that door ever done to you?

-What?

0:18:240:18:27

Eh, Ben, this is Esme. So how did the audition go?

0:18:270:18:31

With the, eh, singing?

0:18:310:18:33

-Brilliant.

-Good. Right. So... So, you got a part?

0:18:330:18:36

-Yeah.

-Right. Which one?

0:18:360:18:38

-I'm Spartacus.

-No, I'm Spartacus!

0:18:380:18:41

-JAKE:

-I'm Spartacus!

0:18:410:18:42

I'm going to hear that joke a lot, aren't I?

0:18:420:18:44

That's brilliant, Ben. So... So is that, em...

0:18:440:18:48

Is that a big part?

0:18:480:18:50

I'm Spartacus in a musical called Spartacus.

0:18:500:18:54

No, of course, sorry... No, but... So that's the lead?

0:18:540:18:57

Yeah.

0:18:570:18:58

And, em, does the lead sing songs?

0:18:580:19:00

Does the lead sing songs in a musical?

0:19:000:19:03

Yeah, I know. What I meant...

0:19:030:19:06

Does the lead sing many songs?

0:19:060:19:08

Yeah, loads.

0:19:080:19:10

Right.

0:19:100:19:11

But Mr Farthingwell says he didn't cast me cos of my voice.

0:19:110:19:15

He cast me for of my sense of attack.

0:19:150:19:16

What? The way you attacked the songs?

0:19:160:19:18

No. The way I attacked the other gladiators with my trident.

0:19:180:19:21

Are we having ice-cream?

0:19:210:19:22

Yeah, apart from Esme. She's lactose intolerant.

0:19:220:19:25

Well, scoop me in. How was your day at school, Karen?

0:19:250:19:27

She got a written warning for non-regulation socks.

0:19:270:19:30

Yeah, well...

0:19:300:19:32

And a poor mark in English.

0:19:320:19:34

Well, the midterm marks don't really count for much.

0:19:340:19:37

-They do, we have continual assessment...

-Shall I drive you home, Esme?

0:19:370:19:40

Erm, I'm not sure my mum's home yet.

0:19:400:19:43

That's all right. We can wait in the car.

0:19:430:19:44

-Bye-bye, Esme.

-Goodbye, Mr Brockman.

0:19:470:19:51

There you go. Madame's ice-cream.

0:19:520:19:55

What flavour is it?

0:19:550:19:56

Your favourite. Lemon and badger.

0:19:560:19:59

I wish Esme hadn't gone.

0:20:000:20:01

I wanted to eat this in front of her.

0:20:010:20:04

Really slowly.

0:20:040:20:05

Yeah, I know.

0:20:050:20:07

You know, being a star student, it's not the be-all and end-all.

0:20:080:20:11

Churchill - Winston Churchill, not the insurance dog -

0:20:110:20:15

he never came top at school. In fact, most of the time he came bottom,

0:20:150:20:19

but that didn't stop him leading Britain to victory in the war.

0:20:190:20:22

Well, maybe if he'd studied harder,

0:20:220:20:26

the war wouldn't have taken him so long to win.

0:20:260:20:29

No... Fair point.

0:20:310:20:34

You haven't been firing off more emails to parents, have you?

0:20:360:20:40

No, I was just acknowledging an email from the school about the inset day.

0:20:400:20:44

Oh, right. Non-intervention - that's always the best policy.

0:20:440:20:47

Look at Tony Blair.

0:20:470:20:49

He thought he could solve the world's problems.

0:20:490:20:52

Now everyone hates him.

0:20:520:20:53

Mind you, I hated him from the start.

0:20:530:20:56

Too many teeth.

0:20:560:20:58

So, what was Esme's mum like?

0:20:580:21:01

Well, sort of as you'd expect, really.

0:21:010:21:04

She thinks Esme isn't being stretched enough.

0:21:040:21:08

I'd like to stretch her...

0:21:080:21:10

on a rack...

0:21:100:21:12

made of peanuts.

0:21:120:21:14

When I was at school, we had a kid like her.

0:21:140:21:17

-He got sent to Colchester.

-Coventry.

0:21:170:21:20

No. They stuck him in a crate and sent him to Colchester.

0:21:200:21:24

It's a bit of a worry, though, isn't it?

0:21:260:21:28

Karen being less popular than a girl like Esme.

0:21:280:21:31

-I feel so helpless, don't you?

-It's because of our programming.

0:21:310:21:34

-Eh?

-We're of that generation

0:21:340:21:35

of parents who've been conditioned to think that

0:21:350:21:37

everything should revolve around our kids.

0:21:370:21:39

When I was a kid, my dad and my uncle took me to watch football.

0:21:390:21:43

Then afterwards, they went to the pub.

0:21:430:21:45

And left me in the car outside.

0:21:450:21:46

Every hour or so, they brought me a bottle of Tizer.

0:21:460:21:48

They locked me in the car, obviously. They weren't irresponsible.

0:21:500:21:53

Well, what would have happened if the car caught fire?

0:21:530:21:55

I hadn't thought of that. God, yeah...

0:21:570:21:59

And that was better, was it? Abandoning children in death traps?

0:21:590:22:03

I'm just saying that, in those days, your parents just left you alone.

0:22:030:22:09

Yeah, I suppose we do get too involved in their lives.

0:22:090:22:13

My parents didn't even help me with my homework, let alone do it for me.

0:22:150:22:19

-Oh, have you set the alarm?

-Yeah, 7:15am.

0:22:190:22:22

Oh, no. I need to get up at seven.

0:22:220:22:23

No, it's all right because I've started setting this clock 15 minutes fast.

0:22:230:22:26

Why?

0:22:260:22:27

Because then, when I get up, it's a nice surprise

0:22:270:22:30

when I realise I've got more time than I thought I had.

0:22:300:22:32

Right...

0:22:350:22:37

Well, that explains why I've been getting to work so early.

0:22:370:22:40

BATTLE NOISES AND HORSES ON TV

0:22:430:22:46

What's this?

0:22:570:22:58

Spartacus - the movie. I'm doing research.

0:22:580:23:01

He just ambushed the Romans with flaming logs.

0:23:010:23:05

I'm going to mention that to Mr Farthingwell as a possible finale.

0:23:050:23:08

See that chin?

0:23:080:23:10

Kirk Douglas.

0:23:100:23:12

We had proper film stars back then.

0:23:120:23:14

Proper men. None of your pasty-faced pretty boys

0:23:140:23:17

who're all cheekbones and can only play vampires.

0:23:170:23:20

You left out the bit about how the tigers weren't all built by computers.

0:23:200:23:24

Well, I still say that Life of Pi would have been a lot more exciting

0:23:240:23:28

if he'd been trapped in that boat with a real tiger...

0:23:280:23:33

Certainly a lot shorter.

0:23:330:23:35

They've only sent me a reminder for zero pounds and zero, zero pence.

0:23:360:23:41

It's unbelievable.

0:23:410:23:43

-Dad?

-Yeah?

0:23:430:23:45

Um, I was considering the option

0:23:450:23:50

of maybe having the tattoo removed.

0:23:500:23:52

Ah, right.

0:23:520:23:54

Yeah, so, I mean, any idea how much a tattoo removal might cost?

0:23:540:23:57

No, because I've never been dim enough to get myself tattooed.

0:23:570:24:00

And the answer to your next question is no.

0:24:000:24:02

You're going to have to pay for it out of your own money.

0:24:020:24:05

What's all this?

0:24:050:24:07

That's some quotes from a company who hire out thermal imaging cameras.

0:24:070:24:11

Oh, for... She's not still banging on about that hamster, is she?

0:24:110:24:15

Yeah, she's pretty thick for someone who was too bright to go to our school.

0:24:150:24:18

Oh, right. They didn't buy it.

0:24:190:24:23

So where is the girl? Tunnelling under the floorboards?

0:24:230:24:26

Um, no. She's up in her room. She's... She's had a few problems today.

0:24:260:24:30

What are these problems?

0:24:300:24:31

SHE SIGHS Well, do you remember

0:24:310:24:34

when I acknowledged the school email about the inset day?

0:24:340:24:37

Yeah.

0:24:370:24:39

Well, I sort of, um... I sort of added a little addendum,

0:24:390:24:42

eh, just to say that if Karen was to be punished for the sock thing,

0:24:420:24:47

then I felt the school dress code should be enforced consistently,

0:24:470:24:50

cos I've seen lots of girls wearing black trainers.

0:24:500:24:54

Right.

0:24:540:24:55

Well, it seems the school took it on board because apparently today

0:24:550:24:58

a lot of kids were punished for not wearing the proper school uniform.

0:24:580:25:01

How is this Karen's problem?

0:25:010:25:03

Well, it... It's like this.

0:25:050:25:07

Um, so I sent the secretary the email,

0:25:070:25:10

-but accidentally by mistake...

-Oh, no.

0:25:100:25:13

-..I also sent it...

-Please, no.

0:25:130:25:15

..to the parents of Karen's classmates.

0:25:150:25:18

Oh, for f...

0:25:180:25:19

It's so easily done!

0:25:190:25:21

But, the really unfortunate bit is that one of the parents,

0:25:210:25:25

rather irresponsibly, in my view, obviously mentioned it

0:25:250:25:30

to one of the kids, and, eh, Karen has been on the receiving end

0:25:300:25:34

of quite a lot of verbal abuse today.

0:25:340:25:37

I can't... We've talked about this, haven't we? We've talked about

0:25:370:25:41

-the dangers of the urge to intervene.

-I know, it's...

0:25:410:25:45

This... This is Tony Blair. You are Tony Blair.

0:25:450:25:47

-I'm not Tony Blair.

-Yes, you are. You went charging in.

0:25:470:25:51

BEN: According to the Wiki, Spartacus is from Thracia.

0:25:510:25:54

So I'm going to work on singing in a Thracian accent.

0:25:540:25:57

Just as soon as I find out where Thracia is.

0:25:570:26:01

Intervention invariably...

0:26:020:26:04

I clicked the wrong thing! Everybody's done it. It was late.

0:26:040:26:07

I was multitasking.

0:26:070:26:09

There is no such thing as multi...

0:26:090:26:11

Choose your next words very carefully because they could be your last.

0:26:110:26:15

Oh... It'll blow over in the end.

0:26:170:26:21

I'll go up and talk to her.

0:26:210:26:22

You will put in a good word for me, won't you?

0:26:220:26:24

Course.

0:26:240:26:26

Ow! Right, that's it!

0:26:270:26:29

KNOCKING

0:26:310:26:33

I heard you had a bit of a bad day.

0:26:350:26:37

I'm not going into school tomorrow.

0:26:370:26:39

-Oh, come on...

-I'm not going.

0:26:390:26:41

Mum didn't mean to cause you problems. It's just that sometimes

0:26:410:26:46

things turn out badly, even if they're done with good intentions.

0:26:460:26:49

Like, um...

0:26:490:26:50

Well, do you remember when Ben decided

0:26:500:26:54

to surprise Mum on Mother's Day with a lovely cooked breakfast?

0:26:540:26:58

You probably don't remember, you were very little.

0:26:580:27:01

I remember being carried by a fireman.

0:27:010:27:03

Well, that is a classic example.

0:27:030:27:05

You see, Ben thought that he was doing something very kind

0:27:050:27:09

and thoughtful, but it ended up with everyone getting very cross.

0:27:090:27:14

Mum was cross with Ben. The firemen got cross with Mum.

0:27:140:27:19

I got cross with the man from the insurance company who tried to argue that

0:27:190:27:23

Ben qualified as an Act of God.

0:27:230:27:25

But it all began with good intentions.

0:27:250:27:28

Well, try telling that to the morons at my school.

0:27:280:27:31

-Did you call them morons?

-Yes.

0:27:310:27:33

-And did that make them back off?

-No.

0:27:330:27:35

No. Generally, telling people they're morons

0:27:350:27:39

doesn't really help, especially if they're morons.

0:27:390:27:42

Cos morons are notoriously slow to catch on.

0:27:420:27:45

But how am I going to get them out of my face? I've got to do something.

0:27:450:27:49

Listen, the best thing to do is just ignore them.

0:27:490:27:52

Sometimes a bad day will come along,

0:27:520:27:56

but when it does what we have to do is we have to dust ourselves down,

0:27:560:28:00

we have to get up and we have to face the world. OK?

0:28:000:28:05

OK.

0:28:050:28:07

Everything will be fine, you'll see.

0:28:070:28:11

Can I tell them that it's all Mum's fault for being an interfering idiot?

0:28:110:28:15

OK. But this conversation never happened.

0:28:160:28:18

Karen is having trouble adapting to big school, Ben is auditioning for a part in the school musical even though he has a voice like a walrus, and Jake has made a foolish - and possibly permanent - fashion choice. Meanwhile, Mum and Dad try very hard not to interfere or send disastrously explosive emails.


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