Episode 2 Outnumbered


Episode 2

Family-based sitcom. Karen indulges her competitive instincts, Ben delves into the mysteries of human psychology and Jake appoints himself as a parenting expert.


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Transcript


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SIREN WAILS SUE: OK, everyone! Dinner in five.

0:00:020:00:04

That smells nice. Is it horse?

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Probably. How was Jake's driving lesson?

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I really think that we should pay a proper instructor to teach him.

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-Why?

-Because they are professionally trained to hide the terror.

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Oh, come on. Hey, boys, now, I need you to clear away your homework stuff.

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He doesn't seem to notice things. You know, important things. Solid things.

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Because he's a teenager. They're dreamy.

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Mentally, he's just not there.

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At one point I yelled, "Pedestrian!" and he thought it was a criticism.

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So jammy. You get to do psychology. What do I get to do?

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Oxbow lake. What the hell is an oxbow lake anyway? I mean...

0:00:400:00:43

Mum, can I... mind if I look at the football?

0:00:430:00:45

No, we are all sitting down together for once.

0:00:450:00:48

Psychology's so interesting.

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It is interesting until you have to study it, then it becomes annoying like everything else.

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Yeah, but it's the study of the mind. Once you understand the mind, you can bend it to your will.

0:00:540:00:58

Like Derren Brown. He can make people think they're being attacked by zombies.

0:00:580:01:02

A very useful life skill. Ben, I need this cleared.

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And...and career-wise, psychology's practical.

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I will never do anything that makes me work with an oxbow lake.

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But I might be a psychiatrist.

0:01:110:01:13

-Psychologist.

-What's the difference?

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Er...a psychiatrist studies diseases of the mind,

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whereas a psychologist... writes crappy self-help books.

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Karen!

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Tea!

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Ben, could you lay the table, please?

0:01:260:01:28

So, your dad was just filling me in about your driving lesson.

0:01:280:01:30

-How...how do you think it went?

-I need lessons from a paid instructor.

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-Yeah, see?

-Someone who knows what they're doing.

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-Well, I know what I'm doing.

-It's very distracting, sitting next to someone

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-who's constantly slamming their foot into the floor.

-That's a reflex, a survival instinct.

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-It's the same as throwing your hands in front of your face.

-Also very distracting.

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And he's too vague. He says bear left, when there's loads of lefts.

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-There was one available left.

-Well, I think I proved that was untrue, didn't I?

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-But that left was a canal.

-You said turn left so I turned left and I stopped in plenty of time.

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-You didn't stop in plenty of time.

-All right, I tell you what.

0:02:010:02:04

Why don't I take you out tomorrow?

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Look, I just...I don't think it's a good idea to be taught by a family member.

0:02:060:02:10

Oh, it'll be fine.

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Karen! Tea!

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Oh, you haven't forgotten

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that you're taking her to a swimming match tomorrow, have you?

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No, I haven't forgotten.

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I've tried to.

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You know, I think this is perfect timing, her getting on the school team.

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It'll give her a chance to settle in with the other kids, it will boost her self-confidence.

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-Isn't it her self-confidence that's cheesing off the other kids?

-Well...yeah.

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But I think a lot of that's a mask,

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to hide her insecurities.

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-A mask?

-Yeah.

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That she's been wearing for 11 years?

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Yeah.

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I've got a bad feeling about this.

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When she swam for the primary school,

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it was always little tournaments and she always won,

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but this one is against that big new academy,

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the one whose kids aren't allowed into shops.

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Look, it doesn't matter how she does.

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The key here is that she's finally engaged in a school activity.

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-What if she doesn't win?

-Well, it'll be good for her.

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-I'm not thinking of her. I'm thinking of us.

-Think what kind of week we'll have.

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Oh, God. Do you remember Black March, when she lost that game of Risk?

0:03:170:03:22

-Can I eat watching Game Of Thrones?

-No.

0:03:220:03:24

We're all going to eat together like a prop... Now where's Jake gone?

0:03:240:03:27

-Jake!

-Need the toilet!

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Ben!

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SIREN WAILS OUTSIDE I said lay the table.

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Karen!

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-What...what are you doing?

-I've just got to print something off.

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-Well, what is it?

-First 50 pages of my novel.

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Which one?

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The one I'm working on currently, the one about the samurai who can time-travel.

0:03:410:03:46

Oh, right, that one.

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-Cos Phil at work, his wife is an editor for a publisher, so...

-Do you think you could do this later on?

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Because the printer's playing mind games and I need to get everybody sat down.

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-Where's Ben? Ben!

-Back in a sec!

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SHE SIGHS Karen!

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Jake!

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Kids! It's...it's like herding cats.

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Karen, are you ignoring me or are you wearing your headphones?

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-KAREN:

-I'm ignoring you!

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She's in a foul mood.

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She picked up a detention today for commenting on the deputy head's moustache.

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Oh, right, so the deputy head is ultra-sensitive about his moustache?

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-HER moustache.

-Oh, right.

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-I don't know why Karen does this stuff.

-I do. It's because of you two.

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-Eh?

-Yeah.

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You need to challenge her behaviour, confront her more.

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-HE CHUCKLES

-I'm being serious.

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I know. That's what's so funny.

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You need to control her. She needs boundaries.

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Well, I think you're being a bit hard on us. Isn't he?

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Course he is. We brought you up. We didn't do a bad job there, did we?

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Yeah. But then you just seemed to lose the hang of it.

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-You cut her way too much slack.

-But...

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-She treats this place like a hotel.

-Oh, well, that's just rubbish.

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KAREN: Mum! I'll have dinner in my room!

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That...

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is an untypical coincidence that is just...

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Karen!

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You will come down here and have your dinner with everybody else,

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like a...proper person!

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There!

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-What are those?

-It's part of my costume for Spartacus.

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Mr Farthinglow says I can take 'em home to try and get used to them.

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He says I have to try and get myself into the mindset of a rebel slave

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taking on the might of imperial Rome.

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This is a musical, isn't it?

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Ben, I won't say it again. No gladiator nets at the dinner table.

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-You're so strict.

-There. See?

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Hallelujah! We're all here, all assembled. At last we can...

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Where are you going?

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-I need a shower.

-We're all about to eat.

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-Put a plate over it. I might grab it later.

-No, you'll eat it now or it's going down the toilet.

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All right, all right.

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A family should always eat together.

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Yep, the Borgias always ate together.

0:05:460:05:48

No, your mum's right. We should eat together.

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Salt and pepper, Ben.

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Karen, what was that weird thing you were doing in the bathroom earlier?

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Oh, yeah, that was my victory dance for tomorrow at swimming.

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Victory dance.

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Yeah, I, um...make a K so I spread my arms out like this.

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-Yeah, K for...kin' irritating.

-That doesn't look like a K.

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-Yeah, it does, K like...

-You look like a...a deformed S.

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-OK!

-No, doesn't K have to be like...

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-your arms should be longer, because...

-Sit down and eat!

-No...

-OK, OK!

0:06:150:06:19

Enough. Everybody, let's just eat.

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Cos I was reading this piece, yesterday, about how families never eat together any more,

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because family life has become so fragmented and antisocial.

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"Really? How interesting, Sue."

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Did you know that Spartacus hid from the Romans in the volcano of Vesuvius?

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Hiding in an active volcano?

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Well, that's either extremely clever or fantastically stupid.

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Just imagine what it'd be like to be in Pompeii when Vesuvius exploded.

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Imagine being mummified in... in an embarrassing position.

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Cos you would have thought that at least one person would be on the toilet.

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Well, if a volcano's exploding, I imagine most of the town would be on the toilet.

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Did you know what the loudest bang ever recorded was?

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You shutting the front door, I imagine.

0:07:070:07:09

-Krakatoa.

-Well, this really makes a pleasant change, doesn't it?

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Us all sitting down together, having a lovely sociable meal.

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Apart from Karen.

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-What?

-I'll get her.

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PHONE RINGS No, no, no, you stay...

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Where are you going?

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-Going to get Karen.

-Phil.

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-Could you...could you please...

-Yeah, sorry. The signal's rubbish here.

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-Pete.

-No, I'm sending you another lot.

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No...

0:07:280:07:30

DOOR SHUTS

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Bon appetit, everybody(!)

0:07:330:07:36

Mm, this is delicious, Mother.

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Oh, it's my absolute pleasure to cook for you.

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Perhaps you'd like us to cook you a meal tomorrow.

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Really? Yes, that would be...

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lovely, very lovely, and maybe somebody could do the washing up afterwards.

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DISTANT SIREN BLARES

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HE SIGHS

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Mm.

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SHE YAWNS

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HE YAWNS

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Oh...

0:08:080:08:10

SHE YAWNS

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Oh.

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Mm.

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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Ah.

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Ooh.

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Ah.

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Oh.

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Oh...

0:08:290:08:30

-OK, let's call it a draw, shall we?

-What?

0:08:300:08:33

The "I'm more tired than you" competition.

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HE YAWNS Oh, shut up.

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HE SIGHS

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Do you think Jake's right? Do you think we have lost the plot as parents?

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He's at that self-righteous phase.

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When I was his age,

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I was absolutely convinced that my parents were totally wrong about everything.

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Mind you, they were, really.

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I mean, all the normal parenting techniques have never worked on Karen.

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Not the blackmail.

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Not bribery.

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The threats.

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She worked out it was all just a bluff at the age of three.

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She gave us a contract at five.

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Typed. I remember.

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The thing that worries me is the way she is with other kids.

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I keep waiting for the penny to drop.

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You know, if you want to make friends, you have to be friendly.

0:09:260:09:29

Maybe Jake's right. Maybe we need to tackle her more head-on.

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-Tackle her more head-on?

-Yeah, try and control her.

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-Try and control her?

-Could you stop doing that, please?

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And we're not that bad as parents, are we?

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If the three of them make it to adulthood and none of them are in prison,

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our work is done.

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I mean, we're not...bad bad.

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Jake's exaggerating, isn't he?

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We're more sort of middling rather than bad.

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Jake's wrong about bad, isn't he?

0:10:070:10:09

Pete?

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Oh, and we have a competition winner.

0:10:130:10:17

What the hell are you talking about?

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Computer cannot communicate with printer?

0:10:220:10:25

It's there! It's... it's less than a foot away!

0:10:250:10:28

Did you get a chance to print off my novel?

0:10:280:10:31

No, this printer's playing up.

0:10:310:10:34

Why don't you e-mail it to Phil and get him to print it out?

0:10:340:10:36

No, his printer's playing up.

0:10:360:10:38

Maybe all the printers are ganging up on us.

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Maybe it's a robot conspiracy to tip us all over into madness.

0:10:390:10:43

It's just that Phil's wife said that the budget deadline for new commissions...

0:10:430:10:46

I will print out your time-travelling samurai, OK?

0:10:460:10:49

It's just at the moment I'm trying to get this registration form done

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for the course the firm are sending me on,

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which is tomorrow, so I think that's slightly more pressing.

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Mind you, if Phil gets the novel to his wife, and she likes it,

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and it gets published, and it does well, we could all be millionaires.

0:11:030:11:08

Oh, yeah, I was forgetting.

0:11:080:11:10

Oh, bloody hell! Look at the time. Karen!

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You're going to miss your bus!

0:11:150:11:16

Dad, come and check this out. It's a thing that psychologists use.

0:11:160:11:19

It's called the inkblot test.

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Is that the one where they work out someone's innermost feelings

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by spilling ink all over the table?

0:11:240:11:26

-What?

-You spilt ink all over the table.

0:11:260:11:28

Oh, yeah. Er...I was wondering about that.

0:11:280:11:31

Um...anyway, all you have to do is, you have to see if you can find any shapes.

0:11:310:11:35

-I'm busy.

-Yeah, just...what can you see?

0:11:350:11:37

-I see Mum.

-Hm. That's interesting.

0:11:370:11:40

Because Freud thought that every man wanted to kill their father

0:11:400:11:44

and sleep with their mother.

0:11:440:11:45

Yeah, well, Freud never met my mother. This is...

0:11:450:11:47

So, you can see your mum in this?

0:11:470:11:49

I said Mum. Your mum, my wife.

0:11:490:11:51

Look, I can see her face. She's screaming.

0:11:510:11:54

She's screaming, "What prat spilled ink all over the table?"

0:11:540:11:57

-CAR ALARM BLARES

-Hey, Karen!

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-ENGINE REVS

-If you want to win the race,

0:11:580:12:01

what you've got to do is visualisation!

0:12:010:12:03

You know, when you visually see yourself winning the race visually!

0:12:030:12:07

Well, I'll just wait until this afternoon and then I will see myself win this race.

0:12:070:12:12

Well, yes, but today isn't all about the winning, is it?

0:12:120:12:16

It's about the taking part, isn't it?

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It's about being part of a team.

0:12:170:12:20

Team player. On a team.

0:12:210:12:24

I was looking up loads of that psychology stuff last night.

0:12:240:12:27

Some of it's brilliant.

0:12:270:12:29

Have you heard about that bloke RD Laing?

0:12:290:12:31

Is he the one who thought that people's mental health could be improved

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if they smeared their faeces all over the wall?

0:12:350:12:37

Yeah.

0:12:370:12:39

-I'm gonna find out more about him.

-That is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard.

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It's called camaraderie, everyone pulling together.

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There's no "I" in "team".

0:12:470:12:49

All for one and one for...

0:12:490:12:51

Let's just go.

0:12:510:12:54

WHISTLE BLOWS

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HE SIGHS

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Dad? Can you look after my stuff?

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Only I don't trust the other girls. Some of them have got an agenda.

0:13:020:13:06

Especially that one, ever since I tweeted about her.

0:13:060:13:09

-You tweeted about her?

-Yeah.

0:13:090:13:10

She gets offended very easily.

0:13:100:13:12

Very sensitive. Most of the girls in my class are.

0:13:120:13:15

Listen, Karen, you're going to keep finding yourself in confrontations

0:13:150:13:19

until you learn not to be so confrontational.

0:13:190:13:22

You're 11 now.

0:13:220:13:23

You've got to learn a bit of self-control.

0:13:230:13:25

Well, I can't help being upfront. It's who I am. I've got to be me.

0:13:250:13:30

This isn't...Made In Chelsea. This is the real world.

0:13:300:13:34

You can't just go round telling everyone what you think of them.

0:13:340:13:37

You and your real world! Where are my goggles?

0:13:370:13:41

Oh, and, by the way, if you win this heat, I really wouldn't do your K dance.

0:13:410:13:44

-It's my signature move!

-Yeah, but it will just antagonise your fellow competitors.

0:13:440:13:48

It'll really get up their noses and it will...

0:13:480:13:50

Affect their performance. Exactly. I know what I'm doing, Dad.

0:13:500:13:53

COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION 'Now you must brave new dangers,

0:13:550:13:59

'if you are to reach the citadel of...'

0:13:590:14:01

-COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION

-Oh! Cyber-crabs! I hate them!

0:14:010:14:04

Why can't you just...print?

0:14:040:14:07

Print it.

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-Print it!

-Die!

0:14:090:14:11

-Why are you...

-Any chance of a bit more noise?

0:14:110:14:13

-Stupid druid!

-Take that up to your room, then.

0:14:130:14:15

I don't have Internet connection up there.

0:14:150:14:16

No! Vampire lobsters!

0:14:160:14:18

Yes! Yes!

0:14:180:14:20

He's been playing that for over an hour now.

0:14:200:14:22

Oh, in the name of God, just...just print.

0:14:220:14:26

He should be doing his school work.

0:14:260:14:28

Oh, so you're on Ben patrol now?

0:14:280:14:30

I'm just saying, that's all. Over an hour.

0:14:300:14:33

BEN GROANS Ben!

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Can you stop playing with that now...

0:14:350:14:37

COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION ..and start doing your homework?

0:14:370:14:39

Fair enough.

0:14:390:14:40

A child has just done what I asked.

0:14:410:14:44

Oh. More psychology?

0:14:450:14:48

You see, I told Mr Jacobs I wanted to take psychology in the sixth form,

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and he said that it's a bullshitter's subject,

0:14:530:14:56

because the only reason people opt into doing it

0:14:560:14:58

is they think the exams are going to be really easy.

0:14:580:15:01

Er...well, he wears a bow tie so he's not qualified to talk about anything.

0:15:020:15:06

-Can you crack your knuckles?

-CRUNCH

0:15:060:15:09

No.

0:15:090:15:10

OK, let's try "Help".

0:15:100:15:12

And "Help" is no help, because the computer has gone off line.

0:15:130:15:17

So, anyway,

0:15:170:15:18

Ibrahim says that girls really like boys who can make their knuckles crack.

0:15:180:15:22

-Yeah, that is a well-known aphrodisiac, the sound of grinding bones(!)

-Argh!

0:15:220:15:28

-Why are you getting angry?

-I'm angry because I've just started a new job

0:15:280:15:31

and they're not going to take me very seriously

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if I can't even print out a simple registration document.

0:15:340:15:37

Maybe you THINK that's why you're getting angry.

0:15:370:15:40

-Eh?

-Freud reckons that when you get angry with something,

0:15:400:15:43

you're really getting angry with something else, something subconscious.

0:15:430:15:46

So, you're getting angry with the printer because it represents Dad or Jake or...

0:15:460:15:51

-Why can't you be the printer?

-I just chose you for an example.

0:15:510:15:53

Why can't you choose yourself as an example?

0:15:530:15:54

Cos you don't choose yourself as an example.

0:15:540:15:55

This switch was off at the wall. Who the hell did that?

0:15:550:15:58

Oh, yeah, that was me. Sorry.

0:15:580:16:00

You're definitely the printer now.

0:16:010:16:03

You watched me struggle with that!

0:16:030:16:05

I was turning it off and on again to try and make it work.

0:16:050:16:09

I could kill you.

0:16:090:16:10

But is this really about me?

0:16:100:16:12

Yes. Yes, yes, this is definitely about you.

0:16:120:16:14

Well, Freud said that women were always more angry because they didn't have a penis.

0:16:140:16:21

You're joking, aren't you?

0:16:210:16:23

-You could be statistically more angry...

-PHONE RINGS

0:16:230:16:25

That's absolute bollocks.

0:16:250:16:27

I'm angry because you turned the printer off at the wall.

0:16:270:16:30

-A lot of this aggression might stem...

-Hello?

0:16:300:16:31

-..from your childhood.

-Oh, hi, Dad.

0:16:310:16:32

What aggression? I'm not aggressive.

0:16:320:16:34

What's all that noise?

0:16:340:16:37

-That's just Mum threatening to kill Ben.

-Oh, right.

0:16:370:16:40

-How's Karen getting on?

-Well, she won a heat.

0:16:400:16:42

Although she was nearly disqualified at the start.

0:16:420:16:44

-What, for a false start?

-No, for sledging.

0:16:440:16:47

Yeah, I couldn't quite hear what she was saying

0:16:470:16:49

but the gesture didn't look very nice.

0:16:490:16:50

Well, you'll have to have a word with her.

0:16:500:16:52

-Yes, yes.

-She's your responsibility.

0:16:520:16:54

OK, spare me the lecture. Can you put your mum on?

0:16:540:16:57

-It has nothing to do...

-I'm not saying you...

0:16:570:16:59

-..with breast-feeding.

-Mum, it's Dad.

0:16:590:17:02

Ooh! Thanks.

0:17:020:17:04

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Hiya.

0:17:040:17:05

Did you print out those novel pages yet?

0:17:050:17:08

'No, not quite yet.' The printer's been off at the wall and the computer's got...

0:17:080:17:11

Oh, it's back.

0:17:110:17:13

OK. How's Karen getting on? Is she interacting with the other kids?

0:17:150:17:19

Yes. She won a heat but there are some very fast girls in this final.

0:17:220:17:27

God knows what she'll do if she doesn't win.

0:17:270:17:29

Probably go on a gun spree.

0:17:290:17:31

OK, now, I'm in a file called Pete's Novels.

0:17:310:17:35

Er...I don't want to print out the wrong thing. So, is it called Amber Reflections?

0:17:350:17:40

-No, that's the one about the psychic dwarf in the court of the Medicis.

-Pluto's Feast?

0:17:400:17:44

That's the Etruscan general who befriends a blind wolf.

0:17:440:17:47

It's called Bushido.

0:17:470:17:49

-I think. Or did I change that?

-Oh, yes, got it.

0:17:500:17:53

Bushido. Right.

0:17:530:17:56

Good luck with Karen!

0:17:560:17:58

OK.

0:17:580:18:00

Mission Control...

0:18:010:18:03

PRINTER WHIRRS ..we have liftoff! Yes!

0:18:030:18:07

At last!

0:18:070:18:09

The humans have won.

0:18:090:18:11

Excuse me, sir. Sir? Do you mind not filming?

0:18:210:18:24

You're not serious? I'm just filming my daughter.

0:18:260:18:28

Yes, but there are other children in the race,

0:18:280:18:30

and without consulting their parents, it's...

0:18:300:18:32

Oh, come on. No parent is going to object.

0:18:320:18:34

Well, um...that one did.

0:18:340:18:38

-Oh, for God's sake! I'm just...

-It's the law of the land, mate.

0:18:380:18:41

No, it's not, Rumpole.

0:18:410:18:43

It has no basis in law.

0:18:430:18:45

There is nothing to stop me filming my daughter at a swimming gala.

0:18:450:18:48

I'm getting better. Almost got next door's cat.

0:18:500:18:55

He can make himself really big. Imagine if we could do that.

0:18:550:18:58

-You already have. You're gigantic.

-I know.

0:18:580:19:01

-MIMICS ROBOT: Puny human!

-Oh!

0:19:010:19:03

Can you please stop doing this? OK, put me down.

0:19:030:19:06

-Thank you. Does this still fit you?

-Mm.

0:19:060:19:09

-Fit me a month ago.

-I'll take that as a no.

0:19:090:19:12

-Give it to Jake as a hand-me-down.

-Huh! LOL(!)

0:19:120:19:14

OK, Jake, once you've finished that, I'll take you out for that driving lesson.

0:19:140:19:19

-I still think I need a proper driving instructor.

-No, don't be daft. It all costs money.

0:19:190:19:23

Be fine. You'll see. You'll have your licence by summer.

0:19:230:19:27

Well, I don't want to take my test too early.

0:19:270:19:28

-Why?

-I don't want to be the first one in my lot driving, do I?

0:19:280:19:32

I'll end up ferrying everyone about everywhere.

0:19:320:19:34

It's no fun being a glorified taxi driver.

0:19:340:19:37

No. No, it's not.

0:19:370:19:40

Anyway, we'd better get out soon before the traffic starts to build up.

0:19:400:19:42

-Well...

-Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

0:19:420:19:46

My dad taught me how to drive, and then my uncle.

0:19:460:19:49

Why did your dad stop teaching you?

0:19:490:19:51

No, that's what I've just said. There is no basis in law...

0:19:550:19:58

We don't know who you are or whether you've even got a daughter.

0:19:580:19:59

That is my daughter in lane 3 there.

0:19:590:20:02

Well, if you have got a daughter in lane 3 there, why don't you film her at home?

0:20:020:20:07

We don't have a lane 3 at home.

0:20:070:20:09

-I think there are laws against this.

-There are no laws against this.

0:20:090:20:11

-I'm very uncomfortable and I think...

-I'm perfectly entitled...

0:20:110:20:12

-Some of the other parents round here...

-..to film my daughter...

0:20:120:20:15

-Could the supervisor come to pool side, please?

-There's no rule against it.

0:20:150:20:19

So, basically, you're saying what happened in your driving lesson was Grandad's fault?

0:20:190:20:24

Yeah, I had to brake. I had no choice.

0:20:240:20:27

If he'd been wearing his seat belt and he'd had his dentures in properly,

0:20:270:20:30

he would have been fine.

0:20:300:20:31

It was just, you know, an unfortunate accident.

0:20:310:20:34

No such thing as accidents. That's what psychologists reckon.

0:20:340:20:37

-Is that right(?)

-Yeah.

0:20:370:20:39

What they mean is, it's like, remember when I was little

0:20:390:20:41

and I had that accident in Hastings?

0:20:410:20:43

-What, when you fell off the pier?

-Yeah.

0:20:430:20:45

-That must have happened for a reason.

-Yeah.

0:20:450:20:47

And the reason was, you were doing cartwheels on the handrail.

0:20:470:20:50

Maybe, deep down, I wanted to fall into the ocean.

0:20:500:20:54

Maybe it was all about some, you know, emotion I was suppressing.

0:20:540:20:58

When have you ever suppressed an emotion?

0:20:590:21:03

-It's common knowledge that...

-All I'm doing on this camera phone...

0:21:030:21:04

-..that paedophiles hang out...

-I resent the suggestion that I am in some way a paedophile.

0:21:040:21:10

-Well, you must be a paedophile.

-I am not a paedophile!

0:21:100:21:13

Gentlemen! Perhaps we could move this, er...discussion into my office.

0:21:130:21:16

Listen, mate, you don't have to look like a paedophile to be a paedophile.

0:21:160:21:19

-Um...sorry...

-I've been CRB-checked.

0:21:190:21:21

Did Jimmy Savile look like a paedophile?

0:21:210:21:23

-Well, yes. Yes, he did, actually.

-Um...gentlemen...

0:21:240:21:26

-Yeah, but...

-He looked about as pervy

0:21:260:21:28

-as it is possible for a human being to look.

-Gentlemen, please.

0:21:280:21:31

Yeah, but nobody knew he was a paedophile.

0:21:310:21:32

Yes, they did, loads of people. Hundreds of 'em!

0:21:320:21:35

Look, can everybody stop mentioning Jimmy Savile?

0:21:350:21:38

I get this every bloody day.

0:21:380:21:39

I think you'll find it's a well-known fact that people have to be vigilant!

0:21:390:21:41

Look, never mind what they said in your Daily Mail.

0:21:410:21:43

-Excuse me, gentlemen. Could we just...

-It's not...

0:21:430:21:45

-Sorry. Um...can we please...

-I'm a teacher.

0:21:450:21:47

-Ha-ha! They're the worst, ain't they?

-Right, gentlemen.

0:21:470:21:49

-Next to priests.

-If we could exercise some self-control.

0:21:490:21:53

-Nobody even knows who this bloke is.

-Hi.

0:21:530:21:56

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-My name is Peter Brockman,

0:21:560:21:58

and I am not, I repeat, not, a paedophile!

0:21:580:22:02

Although I am a gay Gypsy asylum seeker.

0:22:020:22:06

Is he taking the piss?

0:22:060:22:08

My office now, or I call the police.

0:22:080:22:10

Tell you something, mate...

0:22:100:22:11

All I'm trying to do is film my daughter swimming.

0:22:110:22:13

That's all I'm doing. It's perfectly fine.

0:22:130:22:16

I'm doing what everybody here is thinking, I'm actually doing.

0:22:160:22:19

Is that your dad?

0:22:190:22:20

It's my daughter's lane.

0:22:200:22:21

-No.

-I'm watching her swimming.

0:22:210:22:23

-Right, come on. Let's go to the office.

-Thank you.

0:22:230:22:24

-Let's sort this out in the office.

-Let's go.

0:22:240:22:26

PRINTER WHIRS

0:22:260:22:28

Okey-dokey!

0:22:280:22:31

PRINTER STOPS

0:22:310:22:33

What the...

0:22:330:22:34

It's printed it all out in symbols. What the hell has it done that for?

0:22:340:22:38

It's like...it's like sodding Japanese!

0:22:380:22:41

It's just full of...asterisks and exclamation marks.

0:22:410:22:46

You should have kept an eye on it as it was going through.

0:22:460:22:49

Does your advice centre never close?

0:22:490:22:52

I'm going to have to start again now.

0:22:520:22:54

Your dad's stupid novel has used up all the paper. It...

0:22:540:22:57

Hang on. There's no... there's no paper left!

0:22:580:23:01

There was a whole box of paper here this...yesterday!

0:23:010:23:05

Where the hell has it gone?

0:23:050:23:06

Ah, yeah. I might be able to help you with this.

0:23:060:23:09

I did print out some stuff on Spartacus and psychologists and knuckle-cracking.

0:23:090:23:14

So, you're telling me that you've used up a whole box of paper,

0:23:140:23:19

printing out material about...

0:23:190:23:21

There was more on knuckle-cracking than I expected.

0:23:210:23:24

Oh, God.

0:23:240:23:25

I need to print out this registration form. The course is tomorrow,

0:23:250:23:29

Why is this happening to me?

0:23:290:23:32

Maybe, deep down, you want it to happen to you.

0:23:330:23:37

I'd run if I were you.

0:23:400:23:41

SIREN BLARES So.

0:23:410:23:43

Karen recorded her personal best.

0:23:430:23:45

-Yeah.

-Brilliant.

0:23:450:23:47

-Is she pleased?

-Not really. She came third.

0:23:470:23:50

-Third?

-Third.

0:23:500:23:52

Oh, God.

0:23:520:23:54

-Do you want a drink?

-I've already got one, thanks.

0:23:540:23:56

-Have you taken Jake out for his drive?

-Yeah.

0:23:560:23:59

And how...

0:23:590:24:01

We'll pay for an instructor, with dual controls.

0:24:010:24:05

-How long were you out there with him?

-It seemed like days.

0:24:050:24:07

Especially when we got on to the dual carriageway.

0:24:070:24:09

You took him on a dual carriageway?

0:24:090:24:12

Not intentionally. He...he just suddenly turned left for no earthly reason.

0:24:120:24:16

-I told you he'll never pass his test.

-Oh, I don't know.

0:24:160:24:20

His emergency stops are quite good.

0:24:200:24:23

-Oh, did you get to print my novel off?

-Yeah, it's on the side.

0:24:230:24:27

-Hiya.

-Hi.

0:24:270:24:29

-How was rehearsal?

-Yeah, it was good.

0:24:290:24:31

Mr Farthinglow really liked my psychological interpretation of Spartacus.

0:24:310:24:34

You know, how he's only rebelling against Rome

0:24:340:24:37

cos he really wants Rome's approval.

0:24:370:24:39

Right.

0:24:390:24:41

I can't give this to Phil's wife to read. Look at it.

0:24:430:24:46

-She'll go blind.

-Well, I'm sorry.

0:24:460:24:48

But that was the only paper left, OK?

0:24:480:24:50

This hasn't even got to the bit where the samurai teams up with Gandhi.

0:24:500:24:53

-Where's the rest of it?

-The printer broke.

0:24:530:24:56

-Broke?

-Yeah, it was an accident.

0:24:560:25:00

-There are no accidents.

-It had it coming.

0:25:000:25:03

Does no-one in this family have any self-control?

0:25:030:25:06

-So, Karen came third?

-I'm afraid so.

0:25:060:25:09

Look, I think all we can do is...is keep positive and give her as much emotional...

0:25:090:25:15

Oh, hello, sweetheart. Hey.

0:25:150:25:18

Well done on today. Personal best.

0:25:180:25:20

-That's brilliant!

-Yeah, brilliant.

0:25:200:25:22

It..it's quite an achievement to...to...

0:25:220:25:25

-Oh, Ben!

-Ben!

0:25:250:25:27

-What are you doing? Honestly!

-Sorry.

0:25:270:25:30

I was just trying to lighten things up.

0:25:300:25:31

Yeah, but people aren't always in the mood to be ensnared in a net.

0:25:310:25:36

Sweetheart, sit down.

0:25:360:25:37

Yeah. No.

0:25:370:25:40

PB, that's, er...something to be proud of.

0:25:400:25:42

-Did they give you a medal?

-She left it behind.

0:25:420:25:44

In a bin.

0:25:440:25:46

Well, I suppose even champions lose sometimes,

0:25:480:25:50

but the mark of a true champion is whether you can accept defeat gracefully.

0:25:500:25:55

-Did you accept the defeat gracefully?

-Yes.

0:25:560:26:00

Apart from demanding a drugs test.

0:26:000:26:02

That girl had shoulders like a gorilla.

0:26:020:26:04

-And dropping out of the relay team.

-Oh, Karen!

0:26:040:26:06

-Honestly!

-And you let her get away with that?

0:26:060:26:09

I can't physically force someone to swim, can I?

0:26:090:26:12

BEN: Well, I saw Bradley Wiggins doing an interview

0:26:120:26:13

and he says that you actually learn more from defeat.

0:26:130:26:17

Well, that's very true. You work out why you didn't win...

0:26:170:26:20

-I know why I didn't win.

-Good!

0:26:200:26:21

It's because of this family.

0:26:210:26:23

-Eh?

-You all wrecked my confidence.

0:26:230:26:26

Well, I...I think that's...

0:26:260:26:28

Him with his visualising, and you with your long talks that I can never follow,

0:26:280:26:32

and Dad was banging on about self-control

0:26:320:26:36

and then telling everyone that he's a Gypsy gay asylum seeker.

0:26:360:26:41

That was irony.

0:26:420:26:44

Not everyone got it.

0:26:470:26:48

It's no wonder that I lost.

0:26:480:26:50

Maybe you wanted to lose.

0:26:500:26:52

I lost because I come from a family of losers.

0:26:520:26:55

Well, thanks for that. I'm going to go and watch Pointless.

0:26:560:26:59

This is exactly what I mean.

0:26:590:27:01

She needs someone to lay down some boundaries, spell out some realities.

0:27:010:27:04

-Be our guest.

-Well, someone has to.

0:27:040:27:07

Well, then you're clearly the man for the job, being such a parenting expert.

0:27:070:27:10

All right, then. I will!

0:27:100:27:12

Listen, Karen. You need to have a long, hard look at yourself,

0:27:120:27:16

because this life doesn't owe you a living, you know?

0:27:160:27:20

And it's not a one-way street,

0:27:200:27:23

er...because it goes two ways, not one,

0:27:230:27:27

and it doesn't revolve around you like you're some kind of roundabout.

0:27:270:27:32

Like he understands about roundabouts!

0:27:320:27:34

Huh! Ah, African countries beginning with a B.

0:27:340:27:38

-Look, you're not actually...

-Er...Botswana. Burundi.

0:27:380:27:41

-You need to...

-Burkina Faso?

0:27:410:27:43

No-one'll get Burkina Faso.

0:27:430:27:45

How long should we leave him in there with her?

0:27:450:27:48

Till his spirit breaks.

0:27:480:27:49

Belgian Congo.

0:27:490:27:51

Actually, does it still exist?

0:27:510:27:53

What I'm really saying is,

0:27:530:27:55

you have to be prepared to...

0:27:550:27:58

meet people halfway,

0:27:580:28:00

and not make the world come to you all the way.

0:28:000:28:04

This is drivel.

0:28:040:28:06

Now, that is exactly what I mean, Karen. That is...

0:28:060:28:09

Aah! Stop it! Mum! Dad!

0:28:090:28:12

Karen indulges her competitive instincts, Ben delves into the mysteries of human psychology and Jake appoints himself as a parenting expert. Meanwhile, Mum falls victim to a dysfunctional printer and Dad is hounded by a vigilant Daily Mail reader.


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