Episode 3 Outnumbered

-I just don't like babies.

-How can you say that? You saw him.

-Little James is incredibly cute.

-I don't like babies.

You do like babies. Remember Karen when she was his age.

That tiny little thing with those big eyes.

I remember the projectile vomiting.

The distance and the power and the volume.

-And the colour.

-She was such a smiley little thing, though.

God, in that cafe. That must have been a good four feet.

They had to throw that whole tureen of soup away.

Baby James is so placid, though, isn't he?

He's very low-maintenance.

I was wondering about giving Carlotta and Terry a break.

-You know, offering to have him...

-No.

-..just 24 hours.

-No, absolutely not.

-You've already said yes, haven't you?

-Uh-huh.

Well, I am going to arrange to go out. When is this happening?

-Tonight.

-Tonight.

Course. Come on, Pete!

20 years together, and you still don't see this stuff coming.

Hiya. I'm really sorry to ask,

but you don't have any eyelash adhesive, do you?

No, sorry, Stacey. I...I've got my own eyelashes.

Attached.

Biologically.

-Would Karen have any?

-She's 11.

Right.

-So, she wouldn't have any?

-No.

No probs. Cheers.

One of your best mates phones from Australia and says can his daughter stay.

I was cornered.

She's my goddaughter. What could I have said?

You could have said, "There's a lot of nice youth hostels in Earl's Court."

You could have said, "No,

"you don't want to live in a house without eyelash adhesive."

Anyway, he owes us now. We could send Jake to Melbourne.

Not immediately but soon, maybe.

It's Jake I'm worried about.

-Being in the house with her...at night.

-But he's got a girlfriend, hasn't he?

I'm not sure, really, that Stacey is his type.

Pete, a girl that looks like that is any man's type.

-DOOR SLAMS

-How did the rehearsals go?

Miss Gregory, the other music teacher,

said that maybe Malachi should be Spartacus,

seeing as it is a musical and Malachi can sing.

Oh, Ben!

Mr Farthingwell says that it's not all about singing and...

Sorry, I left my undies in the dryer.

Oh, hi! You must be Ben, cos I've met everyone else now.

I got here this morning. I'm Stacey. Hey. Fist bump.

-Fist bump, Ben?

-Hi...hi.

I'm going to be hanging here for a few days. Hope you're OK with that.

Ben.

Ben? You in there? Ben?

Ben! Ben! What happened at school?

Oh, yeah, Mr Farthingwell says that seeing as it's a musical...

I'm going to have to buy some more bras, cos my boob has just gone up a size.

Ha-ha!

Ben? Ben, are you still Spartacus?

Mm, yeah. Yeah, I'm...I'm Spartacus.

I'm going to my room.

Well, it looks like it's not Jake that Stacey's going to be having the effect on.

-Oh...

-What?

Well, that's it, isn't it?

Only 13, but that's another one I've lost to the testosterone express.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

Oh, that's not the baby already, is it?

Could be.

-SIREN BLARING

-You would think,

with three children, just from the laws of probability,

that you would produce one who was capable of turning off the lights.

Ben, Karen, there are five lights on in total in your two rooms,

and it's not even night.

JINGLE PLAYING Is the big man shouting?

Is the big man being a big old shouty man?

Karen? Ben? Did you hear any of that?

No. You don't know what he's saying, do you?

To him, it's probably like a dog being told to fetch, but in Chinese.

Ben, you are not a dog.

You are my son, who I am asking to turn lights off.

-You know, babies...

-BABY BURBLES

-learn emotions from facial expressions.

-Ben.

-So, we could like teach them that...

-What are you talking about?

-..happy was an angry face...

-Mm!

and angry was a really happy face.

I think if you look at my face,

you'll get a fairly clear idea of what angry looks like.

We've used this face for centuries...

..when people don't turn the lights off.

Our electricity bill is huge.

They probably think we're growing cannabis in here or smelting aluminium.

DOORBELL RINGS

JAKE: Er...it's OK! It's just a mate! I'll get it!

See this? This is leopard in a tree. You used to love this when you were younger.

BABY CHUCKLES

SHE SIGHS

-Why are you staring at me?

-Just wonder at how things grow,

and grow.

How much does it hurt to have a baby?

Yeah, well...

er...it's...you know, it's a lovely experience,

but I suppose it..it does... it does hurt a bit.

TOY JINGLES But it's sort of like a positive...pain.

What about that lady across the road... road that had a home birth?

Was that a positive pain?

Um...

Because she kept me awake all night with her screaming.

That would have been positive screaming.

"Just kill me now," she kept shouting.

TOY JINGLES

So, on a scale of one to ten,

say ten being your head being chopped off with a chain saw...

Mm-hm.

..and one being getting lemon in a paper cut,

how painful was giving birth to Ben?

BABY COOS Er...

oh, how painful was it giving birth to Ben?

I would say... Oh! TOY JINGLES

Look, oh, look, he's fallen over. Look. BABY GIGGLES

On a scale of one to ten.

I would say t...

two and a half, three.

OK, so not too... not very painful at all, really?

But, well, it...it...

Yes, a little bit.

It was a little bit...little bit painful.

Are you sure only three? Cos that's not that much.

Er...probably about th...

BABY BURBLING ..five.

-Five?

-Five, six.

-Five or six?

-Five, six, seven.

OK, well, that's quite high, and how long does it last?

Um...it can be about, um...two hours.

Um...sometimes it can get to, um...

12, a day.

-What? A day?

-Two...days.

-Two days?

-Sometimes. That's very rare!

The human body isn't actually very well designed for childbirth.

Be much easier if we just laid eggs.

And if you change your mind, you could have a very large omelette,

although the Catholic Church might come out against that.

BABY BURBLES All right.

What have you done to your hands? Oops.

Oh, yeah, Stacey gave me these really cool fake nails.

Did she?

BABY BURBLES Oh.

You've got to admit, he really is cute.

He's...small.

Interestingly, at this age, they are less intelligent than a crow.

Yes, although you probably shouldn't have said that to his mother.

-Carlotta looked a bit...

-And you do know why they're cute,

don't you, Dad? It's so that, biologically, we don't kill them.

You didn't say that to his mum, did you?

We're programmed to respond positively

to the big eyes and the big round hairless head.

Doesn't work for William Hague.

For instance, lemurs.

People love lemurs, and they're actually quite similar to babies,

although they're a bit furrier.

Oh, no, that is so cute!

Stacey, did you leave your top in the laundry room too?

Er...no, I've got everything. I'm just heading out.

Oh, that is...that... You... you're going out like that. Right.

I'm just going to pop that there. It's my modelling portfolio.

I said I'd show Karen.

-Is Karen interested in that?

-Yeah.

I mean, it's just local mags and swimwear.

Were you saying something about lemurs, Ben? Because I love lemurs.

Ben?

-Lemurs.

-Oh, yeah.

Erm...lemurs were originally confused with the low sloris.

No. Mo...

-No. Ro sloris?

-Sloth?

No, no.

I need to, er...need to revise.

Aah!

It...it's fine.

I'm OK.

TOY RATTLES

Slow loris. I think it was a slow loris.

-DISTANT SIREN WAILS

-Anyone in there? No?

Anyone in the bathroom?

No.

There's these things called switches,

cleverly designed so if you push them, the light goes out.

Think of a room as a giant iPod, cos you can turn them on and off all right.

Can you remember how to assemble these?

I'd forgotten you needed a degree in engineering to have a baby.

Is he still awake?

Yeah, I tried to put him down but he's still quite lively.

He's in there playing with Ben now.

You know this Stacey thing?

Do you think you could have a word with Ben?

-Oh...

-Oh, go on.

I...I did all the girl stuff with Karen, and that's a lot messier.

Didn't we give Ben a book about sex?

-Did we?

-Yeah, we did.

Because he came back and said he thought

that human genitalia were very poorly designed,

although I'm not sure his alternative is very practical.

I don't think women would want the testicles.

And certainly not up there. Anyway, that book should have it covered.

Pete! There was no chapter in that book entitled Not Staring At Women's Breasts.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: I am Satan! I eat babies!

Jake. Not funny.

You will be my slaves and you will buy Jake a new laptop.

Get out of our room!

-Does it go the other way up?

-Hang on. I can do this.

It's four o'clock in the morning.

I haven't slept properly for weeks.

CLOPPING AND CLUNKING

There! There, just needed to access the muscle memory.

Right, I'd better... I'd better check on James.

DOOR SQUEAKS AND BABY BURBLES

TRAIN CHUFFING

What exactly is that, Ben?

It's a maze. I put those biscuits he liked at the far end.

It's OK. Chickens couldn't work it out either.

Probably not a good idea to experiment on non-consenting children.

It's something they established at the Nuremberg trials.

You're cleverer than a chicken, aren't you?

Anyway, it is way past your bedtime so come on, off you go.

-Do you want me to clean up?

-Come on.

Hiya. Erm...it's all right if Alex stays over, isn't it?

Cos it's Saturday tomorrow

and we just started watching the football on the laptop.

-Yeah, yeah. I suppose so.

-Yeah? Thanks.

Don't stay up all night! DOOR SLAMS

We won't see him before noon. He needs a Taser rather than an alarm clock.

Mum, could you buy me some more deodorant?

-Er...

-Lynx Dark Temptation.

-OK.

-Does that actually exist?

Yeah, you see, um... it's the chocolate one.

Dark Temptation? Do they do a Milk Temptation?

Well, it's not dark chocolate. It's just chocolate in a deodorant.

Ah, that feral-teenage-boy, fox-in-the-bin smell,

partially masked by chemical chocolate.

That'll get the girls.

Well, it might do. When I was 13, boys just smelled of cider and armpit.

They could do Lynx Cider & Armpit.

-Oh!

-What the...

Ah, have you got James? BABY CRIES

I've got him.

-BEN:

-You did want the lights turned out.

-It's the whole street.

-I'll light some candles.

-No! Ben, no!

It's...it's all right. I know about candles and curtains now.

BABY BURBLES

OK, he's quite cute.

-MUSIC ON TV

-It's Atlantis.

-Jason's just bumped into Theo Paphitis.

-TV: Medusa is cursed.

-Did James go down?

-Yeah, he's in his cot.

Standing up, waving.

You know that, um...friend of Jake's, Alex?

-Didn't he go to Canada?

-Oh, yeah.

-What you doing?

-I'm texting Jake to come down.

And someone needs to have a word with Stacey.

Walking around in towels and vests and...things,

I don't even know what they're called but they're very, very small.

It's not fair on Ben.

Someone needs to tell her to cover up.

-I'll give the Taliban a ring.

-Seriously, Pete.

MUSIC PLAYING ON TV

You're not saying it should be me that says that?

You are her godfather. Aren't you responsible for her moral wellbeing?

I just have to keep her and the Devil apart.

I didn't have to swear on the Bible that I'd tell her to wear...

-large underwear.

-What, Mum? It's late.

This mate of yours, Alex. Didn't he go to Canada?

Yeah, it's a different Alex.

-Is this Alex a girl?

-Yep.

You never told us it was a girl!

Well, I never told you she wasn't a girl.

You know we thought she was a boy.

Dad, I can't spend my time trying to work out what you think.

Boy, girl, what's the difference?

I think you've got a really clear idea

what the difference between boys and girls is,

which is why she's not spending the night in your bedroom.

Everything's about sex with you two. She's just staying over.

Well, she isn't, actually.

Well, anyway, if you're worried about us having sex, she's been up there for hours.

We could have had sex like ten times by now.

So, strangely, I don't find that reassuring.

Does Lizzie know about this?

Er...Lizzie and I, we're on a break. Alex is just a friend.

-A friend with benefits?

-Mum, no-one says that any more.

Anyway, she's got to stay, because she's lost her keys and her mum's away.

What bad luck!

But her mum's fine with her staying here.

Oh, right. Well, give me her number, I'll give her mum a ring and check.

She's lost her mum's number, er...cos it was a new number,

um...and she lost her phone in the same bag as...as her keys.

So, how did she ring her mum?

Well, she rang her mum before she lost her bag, Sherlock.

So, she rang her mum to ask if she could stay,

because she'd lost her key, before she lost her key, Moriarty?

No, she...asked if she could stay before she had to,

and then she lost her bag, with her keys in it, and now she has to stay.

Right, we need to talk to her. Jake, go and get her.

OK.

He's good.

At least we've produced an intelligent liar.

Still, if she stays, she can't stay in his room.

We could put her in with Stacey.

Yeah, but she'd just get up and go back into his room.

Hang on. What have we got at the moment?

We have got Stacey in Karen's, and Karen in with Ben.

Well, I know, then we just put her in Stacey's room,

and then we put Jake in with Ben.

She's not feeling very well.

Um...so she's probably not going to come down,

in light of the fact that she doesn't feel very well.

OK, I know what we'll do, then.

Um...she'll go with Stacey, and then Ben can go in with you.

-She's probably too ill to move rooms.

-We'll carry her.

Do you think she'll still want to stay?

Oh, she'll have to. She's lost her keys.

SLAM We're good too.

TRAIN CHUFFING

Well, I never thought I'd see a baby projectile-vomit further than Karen.

Oh, well, we were going to redecorate. That cream wallpaper was always a mistake.

It's not cream now. Ben, can you turn the light off in the bathroom?

And his weeing, it was like a...geyser.

-Aah!

-Sorry. Sorry.

I don't understand it.

He's so placid by day.

Maybe that's why Carlotta calls him the werewolf.

You agreed to look after, for the night, a baby called "the werewolf"?

Well, I thought it was ironic, like Little John in Robin Hood,

who is in fact very big.

So, you thought they called him the werewolf

because he was so calm at night?

Oh, it's cold in here. Is that radiator on?

No, I've turned the central heating off.

Well, it's the only way I'm going to stop Stacey walking around like a prostitute,

dressed in tea towels.

OK, I'll turn it back on.

Has Alex gone home?

I don't know. Maybe. I didn't get a good look at her.

-Did you get a good look at her, Ben?

-Yeah.

Ooh, God, Jake. He's going to be in a right strop with us cos we didn't let him...

watch football with Alex. Freeze.

Morning, Mum. Morning, Dad.

BABY BURBLES # Doo-doo-doo

# We're going to the moon... #

Sue, do you think Jake found a way around our room allocation strategy?

I don't know, Pete.

He seemed far too cheerful this morning.

I know. What can we do?

No, you're right. It's pointless speculating.

I bet he did, though.

-We just have to walk away.

-Yeah, OK.

# Zoom, zoom, zoom, we'll be there very... #

How do you think he did it?

BABY BURBLES

# Three, two, one... #

Blastoff! Whee!

-Can I have a go?

-No.

No, it's just that, with a baby, um... being thrown in the air and caught,

there's quite a lot that can go wrong.

Oh, come on. I was about five when that thing happened at the petting zoo.

Seven.

I remember, because it was important in terms of legal liability.

SIGHS

DISTANT DOG BARKING

Mum, this homework they've given me is too hard so I'm giving up.

Don't be silly. You can't just give up.

-Why not?

-Well, it's just...you know, it's wrong.

Life is about perseverance.

You...you stick at things when they get hard and you...

-you don't admit defeat.

-You are so right.

What?

Well, it's wrong to just be defeatist and give up.

-This is about the hamster, isn't it?

-Everyone's just forgotten about Tommy.

Well, he's been missing for months.

Yes, but there were those women in America who were missing for years

and they were still found.

Karen, no-one is holding your hamster prisoner in their basement.

SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE

Listen, Ben.

About sex.

I know they teach you the nuts and bolts stuff at school...

Yeah, I had to put a condom on a banana.

Yeah, I think you can take a GCSE in that now.

Yeah, but I was just wondering if you had any questions about, er...

behaviour around...women.

It's just that Jake did mention what had happened with Alex.

There's no lock on that door. That was an accident.

Right.

Well, it is quite hard to walk in on a naked woman by accident.

But should you come across a naked woman, you shouldn't stare.

Unless, of course, she's a stripper.

But you shouldn't be going...

to strippers yet, or indeed, er...at all.

Look, we have offered to replace Tommy.

But he had personality.

What personality?

He...he was loyal, and he had a very good sense of humour.

Karen, don't be...

What do you think we should do about him, then?

Nothing.

-We should give up?

-Yeah.

So, it is OK to give up, then?

Er...only when it's something that is...

..insurmountably difficult.

Like this homework?

That... It...

That's...that...kind of...

That would... Oh, that's...

Even if you find yourself in a situation where a woman is fully clothed,

you shouldn't stare, particularly at any particular...

particulars.

Oh, hi, guys. Er...has anyone seen my modelling portfolio?

No.

I thought I just left it here in your lounge room.

I need to learn my lines.

Oh.

Well, maybe Karen's got it.

BABY GRIZZLING Oh.

What's up with you?

BABY CRIES All right, all right.

Jake, you're doing a few little jobs at the moment

to earn your driving lessons, yeah?

-Yeah, must be about there by now.

-What's the matter?

Could you have a word with Ben,

about girls?

And how to...

-behave with them.

-Fine.

Not necessarily the way you behave. More...

Sure. I can do respect for women. I've had that stuff from Mum.

Oh, I've had this text from Terry and Carlotta.

"Road blocked by flood. Be back soon as poss.

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss."

Four kisses?

That spells guilt big-time.

Where's the hotel? Near Dungeness. I'm going on AA Roadwatch.

I'm not spending another night with Rosemary's Baby.

Let Caesar come, fight me one-on-one.

I need to have a chat with you about girls, Dad says.

Um...basically, they're 99 per cent exactly the same as you and me,

except they like Taylor Swift,

and salad.

A...a girl is...is basically a boy in a girl's costume.

Right.

Talk to them about something normal, and they'll be interested.

Does that work with all girls?

Like for instance,

21-year-old girls and 13-year-old boys?

Oh, yeah, they can't get enough of 'em.

21-year-old girls are always on websites, looking at pictures of 13-year-old boys.

Hang on, wait a moment. Is it the other way around?

Ha-ha!

-MUSIC PLAYING

-This is called baby aerobics,

and we basically just copy what he's doing.

CHUCKLES

We used to play this with my baby sister.

And my dad, when he was off his chops on the booze.

MUSIC PLAYS AND BABY BURBLES

Oh, yeah, that's good.

BABY CHUCKLES

And don't rearrange your testicles mid-conversation.

They don't really like that.

So, always look 'em in the eye but not like a psychopath.

-Mm.

-Don't stare at your feet or their boobs.

Unless they're not looking. But you didn't say that.

And...

-don't scratch your bollocks.

-You know, talk to girls...

-TEXT ALERT

-..as if they're not girls, just...

-Oh, crap.

This site, it's the same. The A259 is slow-moving.

There is nothing about it being blocked. They are taking the mickey.

Who have you told about Alex staying over?

No-one, obviously. Why? Has Lizzie found out about it?

-Well, who could have spread it about?

-TEXT ALERT

Oh, God.

-Alex, for example?

-I'm going to ring them.

Mum, could you text Lizzie and say that me and Alex slept in different rooms?

Well, why should she be bothered? Cos you were on a bit of a break.

That's right, isn't it? Or didn't she know about that?

-Mum, come on, a text.

-I'm sorry. I'm not getting involved.

Do you enjoy ruining my life?

Jake, it's Sharika on the phone.

-HE MOUTHS

-He says he's not in.

-Can I take a message?

-Jesus! She's winding me up.

-Mum!

It's gone through to voicemail.

Maybe the torrential floods have swept her phone away.

Hi, Carlotta. It's Pete. I'm sorry to hear about the flooding.

Although I did just happen to notice that the road is now clear

so we'll see you very soon...

indeed.

Yeah, OK, I'll tell him that.

Sharika said she didn't think you were such a sleaze-bag.

-OK, stop.

-But he is a sleaze-bag.

It's like being in the middle

of some...teenage soap. TEXT ALERT

Jake, there's loads of e-mails pinging in on your laptop.

The speed of it is amazing. It's like the Arab Spring.

-TEXT ALERT

-Only with Jake as General Assad and...

Oh, here we go.

"Won't make it back tonight. Big sorry!

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

"PS, have you rung?

"Not getting messages."

We could always leave him outside a police station.

Joke.

MUSIC ON HEADPHONES

Hi...Stacey.

-Sorry?

-Have...have you heard about neutrinos?

Is that like a...is that a skin product?

No...no, it's a subatomic particle. ALARM WAILS OUTSIDE

Billions of them go through us.

Every day. DISTANT DOG BARKS

They go through us? How do they get through us?

If an atom was equivalent to the size of the universe,

a neutrino would be equivalent to the size of...a golf ball.

-They go through the atom...

-So are you saying that

there are things the size of golf balls going through me?

Only...only if you were the size of the universe.

Ben, do you think I'm fat?

No...no, you...you're thin.

You're very...not very thin, just...

You...you're not too thin or...

Any...anyway, are you interested...

TRAIN CHUFFING ..in other subatomic particles,

like the Higgs...the Higgs boson?

Or quark?

Quark? Ha!

That's such a stupid name.

OK. MUSIC PLAYING

SHE CHUCKLES

Girls aren't interested in normal stuff.

MUSIC PLAYING Stacey?

Oh, hiya.

Um...I'm sorry to raise this.

It's just, I was wondering if you would mind...

not walking about in a towel.

Or...or underwear.

Oh, this isn't underwear. It's my nightie.

It's just that seeing you in a limited amount of clothing

has effects on a 13-year-old boy.

-CHUCKLES

-Oh, right. I got you.

Yeah, we're a bit more relaxed back home.

Are you?

Um...OK, well, so if you wouldn't mind covering up...

..in front of Ben.

And Pete.

-And...and everyone, in fact.

-You got it.

And when you're in the bathroom, would you mind, um...pulling down the blind,

only Mrs Brooks opposite has an elderly father with a pacemaker...

-Aw!

-..and a telescope.

I'm going to text them this.

"I know you are lying."

-You can't send that.

-Why not?

Because they'll just pretend they didn't get it.

Do you think James has got a temperature?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Think again.

Oh, a temperature?

Oh, yeah. Ooh!

-Oh, I think you're right.

-Yeah.

I'd better text Carlotta and let her know.

-And you think that will...

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that way, we'll be working on a mother's hormones

and she'll have no defence.

DOOR SLAMS JAKE: Oh, God!

You think it was Alex told everyone Jake's secret?

Well, who else could it be?

Anyway, at least he's learnt something.

He's learnt he has to respect women.

Yeah, cos they all talk to each other so you can't get away with stuff.

No, Pete. Respect women.

-That's what I said, he needs...

-TEXT ALERT

Ooh. "Road cleared.

"Back at lunch time." No kisses. Hm.

DOOR SLAMS JAKE: Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, go on, you go and talk to him. Come on, I sorted this out.

FOOTBALL ON

Jake, you know how you said

all that stuff about girls being from another planet isn't true?

No, they are from another planet.

Boys are from planet earth,

and girls come from some weird pink Death Star called Bitchita Major

where they all SMS each other in some PMT-crazy bitching frenzy

and excommunicate boys.

So, stay away from girls as long as you can.

-Jake?

-I'd just like some privacy.

OK. Oh...

-DOOR SLAMS

-..it's daytime. Karen!

There's this thing called the sun, which means that you can pull back your curtains

-and turn off that magic switch you...

-MUSIC PLAYING

SHE GASPS

I...I'd forgotten that you were in Karen's, with all the room-changing,

so I'll...I'll go now.

I'd forgotten she was in Karen's with all the room-changing, and...

I'd forgotten she was in Karen's with all the room... I'll put out the bins.