Episode 3 Outnumbered


Episode 3

Sitcom following the hectic lives of the Brockman family. The arrival of Dad's god-daughter from Australia has an unfortunate effect on the Brockman household.


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Transcript


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-I just don't like babies.

-How can you say that? You saw him.

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-Little James is incredibly cute.

-I don't like babies.

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You do like babies. Remember Karen when she was his age.

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That tiny little thing with those big eyes.

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I remember the projectile vomiting.

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The distance and the power and the volume.

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-And the colour.

-She was such a smiley little thing, though.

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God, in that cafe. That must have been a good four feet.

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They had to throw that whole tureen of soup away.

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Baby James is so placid, though, isn't he?

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He's very low-maintenance.

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I was wondering about giving Carlotta and Terry a break.

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-You know, offering to have him...

-No.

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-..just 24 hours.

-No, absolutely not.

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-You've already said yes, haven't you?

-Uh-huh.

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Well, I am going to arrange to go out. When is this happening?

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-Tonight.

-Tonight.

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Course. Come on, Pete!

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20 years together, and you still don't see this stuff coming.

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Hiya. I'm really sorry to ask,

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but you don't have any eyelash adhesive, do you?

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No, sorry, Stacey. I...I've got my own eyelashes.

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Attached.

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Biologically.

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-Would Karen have any?

-She's 11.

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Right.

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-So, she wouldn't have any?

-No.

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No probs. Cheers.

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One of your best mates phones from Australia and says can his daughter stay.

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I was cornered.

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She's my goddaughter. What could I have said?

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You could have said, "There's a lot of nice youth hostels in Earl's Court."

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You could have said, "No,

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"you don't want to live in a house without eyelash adhesive."

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Anyway, he owes us now. We could send Jake to Melbourne.

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Not immediately but soon, maybe.

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It's Jake I'm worried about.

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-Being in the house with her...at night.

-But he's got a girlfriend, hasn't he?

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I'm not sure, really, that Stacey is his type.

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Pete, a girl that looks like that is any man's type.

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-DOOR SLAMS

-How did the rehearsals go?

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Miss Gregory, the other music teacher,

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said that maybe Malachi should be Spartacus,

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seeing as it is a musical and Malachi can sing.

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Oh, Ben!

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Mr Farthingwell says that it's not all about singing and...

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Sorry, I left my undies in the dryer.

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Oh, hi! You must be Ben, cos I've met everyone else now.

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I got here this morning. I'm Stacey. Hey. Fist bump.

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-Fist bump, Ben?

-Hi...hi.

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I'm going to be hanging here for a few days. Hope you're OK with that.

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Ben.

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Ben? You in there? Ben?

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Ben! Ben! What happened at school?

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Oh, yeah, Mr Farthingwell says that seeing as it's a musical...

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I'm going to have to buy some more bras, cos my boob has just gone up a size.

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Ha-ha!

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Ben? Ben, are you still Spartacus?

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Mm, yeah. Yeah, I'm...I'm Spartacus.

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I'm going to my room.

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Well, it looks like it's not Jake that Stacey's going to be having the effect on.

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-Oh...

-What?

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Well, that's it, isn't it?

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Only 13, but that's another one I've lost to the testosterone express.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

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Oh, that's not the baby already, is it?

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Could be.

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-SIREN BLARING

-You would think,

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with three children, just from the laws of probability,

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that you would produce one who was capable of turning off the lights.

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Ben, Karen, there are five lights on in total in your two rooms,

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and it's not even night.

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JINGLE PLAYING Is the big man shouting?

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Is the big man being a big old shouty man?

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Karen? Ben? Did you hear any of that?

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No. You don't know what he's saying, do you?

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To him, it's probably like a dog being told to fetch, but in Chinese.

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Ben, you are not a dog.

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You are my son, who I am asking to turn lights off.

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-You know, babies...

-BABY BURBLES

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-learn emotions from facial expressions.

-Ben.

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-So, we could like teach them that...

-What are you talking about?

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-..happy was an angry face...

-Mm!

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and angry was a really happy face.

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I think if you look at my face,

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you'll get a fairly clear idea of what angry looks like.

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We've used this face for centuries...

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..when people don't turn the lights off.

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Our electricity bill is huge.

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They probably think we're growing cannabis in here or smelting aluminium.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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JAKE: Er...it's OK! It's just a mate! I'll get it!

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See this? This is leopard in a tree. You used to love this when you were younger.

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BABY CHUCKLES

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SHE SIGHS

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-Why are you staring at me?

-Just wonder at how things grow,

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and grow.

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How much does it hurt to have a baby?

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Yeah, well...

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er...it's...you know, it's a lovely experience,

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but I suppose it..it does... it does hurt a bit.

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TOY JINGLES But it's sort of like a positive...pain.

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What about that lady across the road... road that had a home birth?

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Was that a positive pain?

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Um...

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Because she kept me awake all night with her screaming.

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That would have been positive screaming.

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"Just kill me now," she kept shouting.

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TOY JINGLES

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So, on a scale of one to ten,

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say ten being your head being chopped off with a chain saw...

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Mm-hm.

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..and one being getting lemon in a paper cut,

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how painful was giving birth to Ben?

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BABY COOS Er...

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oh, how painful was it giving birth to Ben?

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I would say... Oh! TOY JINGLES

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Look, oh, look, he's fallen over. Look. BABY GIGGLES

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On a scale of one to ten.

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I would say t...

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two and a half, three.

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OK, so not too... not very painful at all, really?

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But, well, it...it...

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Yes, a little bit.

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It was a little bit...little bit painful.

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Are you sure only three? Cos that's not that much.

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Er...probably about th...

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BABY BURBLING ..five.

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-Five?

-Five, six.

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-Five or six?

-Five, six, seven.

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OK, well, that's quite high, and how long does it last?

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Um...it can be about, um...two hours.

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Um...sometimes it can get to, um...

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12, a day.

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-What? A day?

-Two...days.

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-Two days?

-Sometimes. That's very rare!

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The human body isn't actually very well designed for childbirth.

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Be much easier if we just laid eggs.

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And if you change your mind, you could have a very large omelette,

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although the Catholic Church might come out against that.

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BABY BURBLES All right.

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What have you done to your hands? Oops.

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Oh, yeah, Stacey gave me these really cool fake nails.

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Did she?

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BABY BURBLES Oh.

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You've got to admit, he really is cute.

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He's...small.

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Interestingly, at this age, they are less intelligent than a crow.

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Yes, although you probably shouldn't have said that to his mother.

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-Carlotta looked a bit...

-And you do know why they're cute,

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don't you, Dad? It's so that, biologically, we don't kill them.

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You didn't say that to his mum, did you?

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We're programmed to respond positively

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to the big eyes and the big round hairless head.

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Doesn't work for William Hague.

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For instance, lemurs.

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People love lemurs, and they're actually quite similar to babies,

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although they're a bit furrier.

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Oh, no, that is so cute!

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Stacey, did you leave your top in the laundry room too?

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Er...no, I've got everything. I'm just heading out.

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Oh, that is...that... You... you're going out like that. Right.

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I'm just going to pop that there. It's my modelling portfolio.

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I said I'd show Karen.

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-Is Karen interested in that?

-Yeah.

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I mean, it's just local mags and swimwear.

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Were you saying something about lemurs, Ben? Because I love lemurs.

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Ben?

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-Lemurs.

-Oh, yeah.

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Erm...lemurs were originally confused with the low sloris.

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No. Mo...

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-No. Ro sloris?

-Sloth?

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No, no.

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I need to, er...need to revise.

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Aah!

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It...it's fine.

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I'm OK.

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TOY RATTLES

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Slow loris. I think it was a slow loris.

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-DISTANT SIREN WAILS

-Anyone in there? No?

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Anyone in the bathroom?

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No.

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There's these things called switches,

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cleverly designed so if you push them, the light goes out.

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Think of a room as a giant iPod, cos you can turn them on and off all right.

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Can you remember how to assemble these?

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I'd forgotten you needed a degree in engineering to have a baby.

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Is he still awake?

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Yeah, I tried to put him down but he's still quite lively.

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He's in there playing with Ben now.

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You know this Stacey thing?

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Do you think you could have a word with Ben?

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-Oh...

-Oh, go on.

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I...I did all the girl stuff with Karen, and that's a lot messier.

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Didn't we give Ben a book about sex?

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-Did we?

-Yeah, we did.

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Because he came back and said he thought

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that human genitalia were very poorly designed,

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although I'm not sure his alternative is very practical.

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I don't think women would want the testicles.

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And certainly not up there. Anyway, that book should have it covered.

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Pete! There was no chapter in that book entitled Not Staring At Women's Breasts.

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ELECTRONIC VOICE: I am Satan! I eat babies!

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Jake. Not funny.

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You will be my slaves and you will buy Jake a new laptop.

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Get out of our room!

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-Does it go the other way up?

-Hang on. I can do this.

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It's four o'clock in the morning.

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I haven't slept properly for weeks.

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CLOPPING AND CLUNKING

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There! There, just needed to access the muscle memory.

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Right, I'd better... I'd better check on James.

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DOOR SQUEAKS AND BABY BURBLES

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TRAIN CHUFFING

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What exactly is that, Ben?

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It's a maze. I put those biscuits he liked at the far end.

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It's OK. Chickens couldn't work it out either.

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Probably not a good idea to experiment on non-consenting children.

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It's something they established at the Nuremberg trials.

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You're cleverer than a chicken, aren't you?

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Anyway, it is way past your bedtime so come on, off you go.

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-Do you want me to clean up?

-Come on.

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Hiya. Erm...it's all right if Alex stays over, isn't it?

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Cos it's Saturday tomorrow

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and we just started watching the football on the laptop.

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-Yeah, yeah. I suppose so.

-Yeah? Thanks.

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Don't stay up all night! DOOR SLAMS

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We won't see him before noon. He needs a Taser rather than an alarm clock.

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Mum, could you buy me some more deodorant?

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-Er...

-Lynx Dark Temptation.

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-OK.

-Does that actually exist?

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Yeah, you see, um... it's the chocolate one.

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Dark Temptation? Do they do a Milk Temptation?

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Well, it's not dark chocolate. It's just chocolate in a deodorant.

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Ah, that feral-teenage-boy, fox-in-the-bin smell,

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partially masked by chemical chocolate.

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That'll get the girls.

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Well, it might do. When I was 13, boys just smelled of cider and armpit.

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They could do Lynx Cider & Armpit.

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-Oh!

-What the...

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Ah, have you got James? BABY CRIES

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I've got him.

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-BEN:

-You did want the lights turned out.

-It's the whole street.

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-I'll light some candles.

-No! Ben, no!

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It's...it's all right. I know about candles and curtains now.

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BABY BURBLES

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OK, he's quite cute.

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-MUSIC ON TV

-It's Atlantis.

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-Jason's just bumped into Theo Paphitis.

-TV: Medusa is cursed.

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-Did James go down?

-Yeah, he's in his cot.

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Standing up, waving.

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You know that, um...friend of Jake's, Alex?

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-Didn't he go to Canada?

-Oh, yeah.

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-What you doing?

-I'm texting Jake to come down.

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And someone needs to have a word with Stacey.

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Walking around in towels and vests and...things,

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I don't even know what they're called but they're very, very small.

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It's not fair on Ben.

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Someone needs to tell her to cover up.

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-I'll give the Taliban a ring.

-Seriously, Pete.

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MUSIC PLAYING ON TV

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You're not saying it should be me that says that?

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You are her godfather. Aren't you responsible for her moral wellbeing?

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I just have to keep her and the Devil apart.

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I didn't have to swear on the Bible that I'd tell her to wear...

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-large underwear.

-What, Mum? It's late.

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This mate of yours, Alex. Didn't he go to Canada?

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Yeah, it's a different Alex.

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-Is this Alex a girl?

-Yep.

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You never told us it was a girl!

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Well, I never told you she wasn't a girl.

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You know we thought she was a boy.

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Dad, I can't spend my time trying to work out what you think.

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Boy, girl, what's the difference?

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I think you've got a really clear idea

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what the difference between boys and girls is,

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which is why she's not spending the night in your bedroom.

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Everything's about sex with you two. She's just staying over.

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Well, she isn't, actually.

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Well, anyway, if you're worried about us having sex, she's been up there for hours.

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We could have had sex like ten times by now.

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So, strangely, I don't find that reassuring.

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Does Lizzie know about this?

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Er...Lizzie and I, we're on a break. Alex is just a friend.

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-A friend with benefits?

-Mum, no-one says that any more.

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Anyway, she's got to stay, because she's lost her keys and her mum's away.

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What bad luck!

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But her mum's fine with her staying here.

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Oh, right. Well, give me her number, I'll give her mum a ring and check.

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She's lost her mum's number, er...cos it was a new number,

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um...and she lost her phone in the same bag as...as her keys.

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So, how did she ring her mum?

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Well, she rang her mum before she lost her bag, Sherlock.

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So, she rang her mum to ask if she could stay,

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because she'd lost her key, before she lost her key, Moriarty?

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No, she...asked if she could stay before she had to,

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and then she lost her bag, with her keys in it, and now she has to stay.

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Right, we need to talk to her. Jake, go and get her.

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OK.

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He's good.

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At least we've produced an intelligent liar.

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Still, if she stays, she can't stay in his room.

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We could put her in with Stacey.

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Yeah, but she'd just get up and go back into his room.

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Hang on. What have we got at the moment?

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We have got Stacey in Karen's, and Karen in with Ben.

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Well, I know, then we just put her in Stacey's room,

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and then we put Jake in with Ben.

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She's not feeling very well.

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Um...so she's probably not going to come down,

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in light of the fact that she doesn't feel very well.

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OK, I know what we'll do, then.

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Um...she'll go with Stacey, and then Ben can go in with you.

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-She's probably too ill to move rooms.

-We'll carry her.

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Do you think she'll still want to stay?

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Oh, she'll have to. She's lost her keys.

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SLAM We're good too.

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TRAIN CHUFFING

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Well, I never thought I'd see a baby projectile-vomit further than Karen.

0:14:550:14:59

Oh, well, we were going to redecorate. That cream wallpaper was always a mistake.

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It's not cream now. Ben, can you turn the light off in the bathroom?

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And his weeing, it was like a...geyser.

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-Aah!

-Sorry. Sorry.

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I don't understand it.

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He's so placid by day.

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Maybe that's why Carlotta calls him the werewolf.

0:15:200:15:23

You agreed to look after, for the night, a baby called "the werewolf"?

0:15:270:15:34

Well, I thought it was ironic, like Little John in Robin Hood,

0:15:340:15:39

who is in fact very big.

0:15:390:15:41

So, you thought they called him the werewolf

0:15:410:15:44

because he was so calm at night?

0:15:440:15:46

Oh, it's cold in here. Is that radiator on?

0:15:480:15:50

No, I've turned the central heating off.

0:15:500:15:52

Well, it's the only way I'm going to stop Stacey walking around like a prostitute,

0:15:540:15:58

dressed in tea towels.

0:15:580:16:00

OK, I'll turn it back on.

0:16:000:16:02

Has Alex gone home?

0:16:020:16:04

I don't know. Maybe. I didn't get a good look at her.

0:16:040:16:07

-Did you get a good look at her, Ben?

-Yeah.

0:16:070:16:09

Ooh, God, Jake. He's going to be in a right strop with us cos we didn't let him...

0:16:090:16:14

watch football with Alex. Freeze.

0:16:140:16:17

Morning, Mum. Morning, Dad.

0:16:170:16:19

BABY BURBLES # Doo-doo-doo

0:16:240:16:26

# We're going to the moon... #

0:16:260:16:28

Sue, do you think Jake found a way around our room allocation strategy?

0:16:280:16:33

I don't know, Pete.

0:16:330:16:35

He seemed far too cheerful this morning.

0:16:350:16:37

I know. What can we do?

0:16:370:16:39

No, you're right. It's pointless speculating.

0:16:390:16:41

I bet he did, though.

0:16:430:16:44

-We just have to walk away.

-Yeah, OK.

0:16:440:16:47

# Zoom, zoom, zoom, we'll be there very... #

0:16:470:16:50

How do you think he did it?

0:16:500:16:51

BABY BURBLES

0:16:510:16:53

# Three, two, one... #

0:16:530:16:55

Blastoff! Whee!

0:16:550:16:57

-Can I have a go?

-No.

0:16:570:16:59

No, it's just that, with a baby, um... being thrown in the air and caught,

0:16:590:17:04

there's quite a lot that can go wrong.

0:17:040:17:06

Oh, come on. I was about five when that thing happened at the petting zoo.

0:17:060:17:10

Seven.

0:17:100:17:11

I remember, because it was important in terms of legal liability.

0:17:110:17:14

SIGHS

0:17:140:17:15

DISTANT DOG BARKING

0:17:150:17:17

Mum, this homework they've given me is too hard so I'm giving up.

0:17:190:17:24

Don't be silly. You can't just give up.

0:17:240:17:26

-Why not?

-Well, it's just...you know, it's wrong.

0:17:260:17:29

Life is about perseverance.

0:17:290:17:32

You...you stick at things when they get hard and you...

0:17:320:17:36

-you don't admit defeat.

-You are so right.

0:17:360:17:39

What?

0:17:400:17:41

Well, it's wrong to just be defeatist and give up.

0:17:410:17:44

-This is about the hamster, isn't it?

-Everyone's just forgotten about Tommy.

0:17:440:17:48

Well, he's been missing for months.

0:17:480:17:50

Yes, but there were those women in America who were missing for years

0:17:500:17:53

and they were still found.

0:17:530:17:55

Karen, no-one is holding your hamster prisoner in their basement.

0:17:550:17:59

SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE

0:17:590:18:00

Listen, Ben.

0:18:000:18:03

About sex.

0:18:030:18:05

I know they teach you the nuts and bolts stuff at school...

0:18:050:18:08

Yeah, I had to put a condom on a banana.

0:18:080:18:10

Yeah, I think you can take a GCSE in that now.

0:18:100:18:13

Yeah, but I was just wondering if you had any questions about, er...

0:18:130:18:16

behaviour around...women.

0:18:160:18:19

It's just that Jake did mention what had happened with Alex.

0:18:190:18:23

There's no lock on that door. That was an accident.

0:18:230:18:25

Right.

0:18:250:18:26

Well, it is quite hard to walk in on a naked woman by accident.

0:18:260:18:30

But should you come across a naked woman, you shouldn't stare.

0:18:300:18:34

Unless, of course, she's a stripper.

0:18:340:18:36

But you shouldn't be going...

0:18:370:18:40

to strippers yet, or indeed, er...at all.

0:18:400:18:43

Look, we have offered to replace Tommy.

0:18:430:18:45

But he had personality.

0:18:450:18:47

What personality?

0:18:470:18:49

He...he was loyal, and he had a very good sense of humour.

0:18:490:18:54

Karen, don't be...

0:18:540:18:56

What do you think we should do about him, then?

0:18:560:18:57

Nothing.

0:18:570:18:59

-We should give up?

-Yeah.

0:18:590:19:02

So, it is OK to give up, then?

0:19:020:19:04

Er...only when it's something that is...

0:19:040:19:08

..insurmountably difficult.

0:19:080:19:11

Like this homework?

0:19:110:19:12

That... It...

0:19:120:19:14

That's...that...kind of...

0:19:140:19:16

That would... Oh, that's...

0:19:160:19:18

Even if you find yourself in a situation where a woman is fully clothed,

0:19:180:19:23

you shouldn't stare, particularly at any particular...

0:19:230:19:27

particulars.

0:19:280:19:29

Oh, hi, guys. Er...has anyone seen my modelling portfolio?

0:19:290:19:33

No.

0:19:330:19:34

I thought I just left it here in your lounge room.

0:19:360:19:39

I need to learn my lines.

0:19:400:19:42

Oh.

0:19:420:19:43

Well, maybe Karen's got it.

0:19:430:19:45

BABY GRIZZLING Oh.

0:19:450:19:48

What's up with you?

0:19:480:19:50

BABY CRIES All right, all right.

0:19:500:19:52

Jake, you're doing a few little jobs at the moment

0:19:520:19:55

to earn your driving lessons, yeah?

0:19:550:19:57

-Yeah, must be about there by now.

-What's the matter?

0:19:570:19:59

Could you have a word with Ben,

0:19:590:20:02

about girls?

0:20:020:20:03

And how to...

0:20:030:20:05

-behave with them.

-Fine.

0:20:050:20:07

Not necessarily the way you behave. More...

0:20:070:20:09

Sure. I can do respect for women. I've had that stuff from Mum.

0:20:090:20:12

Oh, I've had this text from Terry and Carlotta.

0:20:120:20:17

"Road blocked by flood. Be back soon as poss.

0:20:170:20:22

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss."

0:20:220:20:25

Four kisses?

0:20:250:20:26

That spells guilt big-time.

0:20:260:20:28

Where's the hotel? Near Dungeness. I'm going on AA Roadwatch.

0:20:280:20:32

I'm not spending another night with Rosemary's Baby.

0:20:320:20:36

Let Caesar come, fight me one-on-one.

0:20:360:20:38

I need to have a chat with you about girls, Dad says.

0:20:380:20:42

Um...basically, they're 99 per cent exactly the same as you and me,

0:20:420:20:46

except they like Taylor Swift,

0:20:460:20:48

and salad.

0:20:490:20:50

A...a girl is...is basically a boy in a girl's costume.

0:20:500:20:56

Right.

0:20:560:20:57

Talk to them about something normal, and they'll be interested.

0:20:570:20:59

Does that work with all girls?

0:20:590:21:02

Like for instance,

0:21:020:21:05

21-year-old girls and 13-year-old boys?

0:21:050:21:08

Oh, yeah, they can't get enough of 'em.

0:21:080:21:10

21-year-old girls are always on websites, looking at pictures of 13-year-old boys.

0:21:100:21:14

Hang on, wait a moment. Is it the other way around?

0:21:140:21:17

Ha-ha!

0:21:170:21:19

-MUSIC PLAYING

-This is called baby aerobics,

0:21:190:21:21

and we basically just copy what he's doing.

0:21:210:21:24

CHUCKLES

0:21:240:21:26

We used to play this with my baby sister.

0:21:260:21:27

And my dad, when he was off his chops on the booze.

0:21:270:21:30

MUSIC PLAYS AND BABY BURBLES

0:21:300:21:33

Oh, yeah, that's good.

0:21:370:21:39

BABY CHUCKLES

0:21:390:21:42

And don't rearrange your testicles mid-conversation.

0:21:450:21:47

They don't really like that.

0:21:470:21:48

So, always look 'em in the eye but not like a psychopath.

0:21:480:21:51

-Mm.

-Don't stare at your feet or their boobs.

0:21:510:21:55

Unless they're not looking. But you didn't say that.

0:21:560:21:58

And...

0:21:580:22:00

-don't scratch your bollocks.

-You know, talk to girls...

-TEXT ALERT

0:22:010:22:04

-..as if they're not girls, just...

-Oh, crap.

0:22:040:22:07

This site, it's the same. The A259 is slow-moving.

0:22:080:22:12

There is nothing about it being blocked. They are taking the mickey.

0:22:120:22:15

Who have you told about Alex staying over?

0:22:150:22:18

No-one, obviously. Why? Has Lizzie found out about it?

0:22:180:22:21

-Well, who could have spread it about?

-TEXT ALERT

0:22:210:22:23

Oh, God.

0:22:230:22:24

-Alex, for example?

-I'm going to ring them.

0:22:240:22:27

Mum, could you text Lizzie and say that me and Alex slept in different rooms?

0:22:270:22:31

Well, why should she be bothered? Cos you were on a bit of a break.

0:22:310:22:34

That's right, isn't it? Or didn't she know about that?

0:22:340:22:36

-Mum, come on, a text.

-I'm sorry. I'm not getting involved.

0:22:360:22:39

Do you enjoy ruining my life?

0:22:390:22:41

Jake, it's Sharika on the phone.

0:22:410:22:43

-HE MOUTHS

-He says he's not in.

0:22:430:22:46

-Can I take a message?

-Jesus! She's winding me up.

-Mum!

0:22:460:22:48

It's gone through to voicemail.

0:22:480:22:50

Maybe the torrential floods have swept her phone away.

0:22:500:22:53

Hi, Carlotta. It's Pete. I'm sorry to hear about the flooding.

0:22:530:22:56

Although I did just happen to notice that the road is now clear

0:22:560:22:59

so we'll see you very soon...

0:22:590:23:02

indeed.

0:23:020:23:03

Yeah, OK, I'll tell him that.

0:23:030:23:05

Sharika said she didn't think you were such a sleaze-bag.

0:23:050:23:07

-OK, stop.

-But he is a sleaze-bag.

0:23:070:23:09

It's like being in the middle

0:23:090:23:11

of some...teenage soap. TEXT ALERT

0:23:110:23:13

Jake, there's loads of e-mails pinging in on your laptop.

0:23:130:23:17

The speed of it is amazing. It's like the Arab Spring.

0:23:170:23:18

-TEXT ALERT

-Only with Jake as General Assad and...

0:23:180:23:22

Oh, here we go.

0:23:220:23:23

"Won't make it back tonight. Big sorry!

0:23:230:23:26

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

0:23:260:23:30

"PS, have you rung?

0:23:300:23:31

"Not getting messages."

0:23:310:23:34

We could always leave him outside a police station.

0:23:340:23:38

Joke.

0:23:380:23:39

MUSIC ON HEADPHONES

0:23:390:23:41

Hi...Stacey.

0:23:410:23:44

-Sorry?

-Have...have you heard about neutrinos?

0:23:450:23:48

Is that like a...is that a skin product?

0:23:480:23:51

No...no, it's a subatomic particle. ALARM WAILS OUTSIDE

0:23:510:23:54

Billions of them go through us.

0:23:540:23:57

Every day. DISTANT DOG BARKS

0:23:570:23:59

They go through us? How do they get through us?

0:23:590:24:02

If an atom was equivalent to the size of the universe,

0:24:020:24:07

a neutrino would be equivalent to the size of...a golf ball.

0:24:070:24:12

-They go through the atom...

-So are you saying that

0:24:120:24:15

there are things the size of golf balls going through me?

0:24:150:24:19

Only...only if you were the size of the universe.

0:24:190:24:21

Ben, do you think I'm fat?

0:24:210:24:23

No...no, you...you're thin.

0:24:230:24:25

You're very...not very thin, just...

0:24:250:24:28

You...you're not too thin or...

0:24:290:24:32

Any...anyway, are you interested...

0:24:320:24:34

TRAIN CHUFFING ..in other subatomic particles,

0:24:340:24:37

like the Higgs...the Higgs boson?

0:24:370:24:40

Or quark?

0:24:400:24:41

Quark? Ha!

0:24:410:24:44

That's such a stupid name.

0:24:440:24:45

OK. MUSIC PLAYING

0:24:470:24:50

SHE CHUCKLES

0:24:500:24:52

Girls aren't interested in normal stuff.

0:24:520:24:54

MUSIC PLAYING Stacey?

0:24:560:24:58

Oh, hiya.

0:24:580:24:59

Um...I'm sorry to raise this.

0:24:590:25:01

It's just, I was wondering if you would mind...

0:25:010:25:06

not walking about in a towel.

0:25:070:25:09

Or...or underwear.

0:25:090:25:11

Oh, this isn't underwear. It's my nightie.

0:25:110:25:13

It's just that seeing you in a limited amount of clothing

0:25:130:25:17

has effects on a 13-year-old boy.

0:25:170:25:21

-CHUCKLES

-Oh, right. I got you.

0:25:230:25:25

Yeah, we're a bit more relaxed back home.

0:25:250:25:28

Are you?

0:25:280:25:29

Um...OK, well, so if you wouldn't mind covering up...

0:25:290:25:32

..in front of Ben.

0:25:320:25:34

And Pete.

0:25:340:25:36

-And...and everyone, in fact.

-You got it.

0:25:360:25:40

And when you're in the bathroom, would you mind, um...pulling down the blind,

0:25:400:25:43

only Mrs Brooks opposite has an elderly father with a pacemaker...

0:25:430:25:47

-Aw!

-..and a telescope.

0:25:470:25:50

I'm going to text them this.

0:25:530:25:55

"I know you are lying."

0:25:550:25:57

-You can't send that.

-Why not?

0:25:570:25:59

Because they'll just pretend they didn't get it.

0:25:590:26:01

Do you think James has got a temperature?

0:26:010:26:04

No.

0:26:060:26:07

Are you sure?

0:26:070:26:10

Yeah.

0:26:100:26:12

Think again.

0:26:120:26:14

Oh, a temperature?

0:26:140:26:17

Oh, yeah. Ooh!

0:26:170:26:18

-Oh, I think you're right.

-Yeah.

0:26:180:26:19

I'd better text Carlotta and let her know.

0:26:190:26:22

-And you think that will...

-Oh, yeah.

0:26:220:26:23

Yeah, that way, we'll be working on a mother's hormones

0:26:230:26:26

and she'll have no defence.

0:26:260:26:28

DOOR SLAMS JAKE: Oh, God!

0:26:280:26:30

You think it was Alex told everyone Jake's secret?

0:26:300:26:32

Well, who else could it be?

0:26:340:26:36

Anyway, at least he's learnt something.

0:26:360:26:38

He's learnt he has to respect women.

0:26:380:26:41

Yeah, cos they all talk to each other so you can't get away with stuff.

0:26:410:26:44

No, Pete. Respect women.

0:26:440:26:47

-That's what I said, he needs...

-TEXT ALERT

0:26:470:26:49

Ooh. "Road cleared.

0:26:490:26:52

"Back at lunch time." No kisses. Hm.

0:26:520:26:54

DOOR SLAMS JAKE: Oh, God!

0:26:540:26:57

Oh, God!

0:26:570:26:59

Oh, go on, you go and talk to him. Come on, I sorted this out.

0:26:590:27:03

FOOTBALL ON

0:27:060:27:07

Jake, you know how you said

0:27:070:27:08

all that stuff about girls being from another planet isn't true?

0:27:080:27:11

No, they are from another planet.

0:27:110:27:12

Boys are from planet earth,

0:27:120:27:14

and girls come from some weird pink Death Star called Bitchita Major

0:27:140:27:18

where they all SMS each other in some PMT-crazy bitching frenzy

0:27:180:27:22

and excommunicate boys.

0:27:220:27:24

So, stay away from girls as long as you can.

0:27:240:27:26

-Jake?

-I'd just like some privacy.

0:27:280:27:31

OK. Oh...

0:27:310:27:33

-DOOR SLAMS

-..it's daytime. Karen!

0:27:330:27:36

There's this thing called the sun, which means that you can pull back your curtains

0:27:360:27:40

-and turn off that magic switch you...

-MUSIC PLAYING

0:27:400:27:44

SHE GASPS

0:27:440:27:46

I...I'd forgotten that you were in Karen's, with all the room-changing,

0:27:460:27:50

so I'll...I'll go now.

0:27:500:27:52

I'd forgotten she was in Karen's with all the room-changing, and...

0:27:540:27:57

I'd forgotten she was in Karen's with all the room... I'll put out the bins.

0:27:590:28:02

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