Episode 4 Outnumbered


Episode 4

Sitcom following the hectic lives of the Brockman family. Dad and Ben go on a winter camping trip, where Ben shows off his survival skills. Jake has to decide about a gap year.


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Transcript


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-JAKE:

-Can you tell Ben not to go in my room?

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SUE: Ben, don't go in his room!

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-BEN:

-Can you tell Jake not to steal my clothes?

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Jake, don't steal his clothes.

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Look, found it! Our old music festival tent.

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This has seen some service.

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-No... No, no!

-CLANKING

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Oh!

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Why would I take his clothes? He dresses like a 12-year-old bag lady.

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Are you sure you want to do this camping trip?

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I wouldn't worry about that list if I were you.

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-It's got nothing to do with the list.

-What list?

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Someone e-mailed your dad an article about 50 things to do with your children

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-before they become teenagers.

-So I'm safe then?

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Oh, Ben, could you get the water and the glasses, please?

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I'm trying to pack, but Jake's taken my pants.

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Ohh, pant wars, eh?

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Look, you guys should all have your own personal colours.

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That's what my sisters and I used to do with our panties.

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Yeah, we used to have all these G-strings out on the line.

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I was red, and, er...

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Look, even though I've left home...

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Red. Juicy Couture, but still red.

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Stacey, can I just borrow you for a minute?

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Yeah.

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Jake?

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I would never take his pants. I'd probably get leprosy or...wet rot.

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Are you sure you don't want to change your mind and join me and Ben on our...?

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No, thanks.

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You could play your guitar round a campfire under the stars.

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Yeah, I could, or I could play my guitar in my bedroom in the warm

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and I wouldn't have to listen to Ben running round banging on about Bear Grylls

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and trying to...drink a frog.

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You can only do that with certain South American frogs.

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Ben's at a particular age,

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so, if a very attractive woman displays her undergarments...

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Oh, I got you!

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Oh, bless him, little fella,

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he's got the jackeroos, as my dad used to say.

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Yes, he has...whatever that means.

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Jake, can you get the cutlery, please?

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Ah!

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It's Ben's dummy,

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car keys...

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..to the old car.

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We haven't really done much of the stuff on this list, have we?

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Those lists are published solely to make parents feel bad.

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Mrs Bun, the baker's wife!

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I spent a whole game waiting for her once!

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Oh, wait, there is one we've done here - "bringing up a butterfly".

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Do you remember when Ben...? He swallowed the...

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It means bringing up from a cocoon, not eating it and bringing it up.

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Yeah, yeah, of course.

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Ah, Dad, frost forecast for tomorrow.

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Are you sure you want to spend your birthday camping?

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Ben wants to see the meteor shower.

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He's growing up so fast.

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There's only a short window of time where he'll still want to do things with me

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and soon he'll be too big to fit in this tent.

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He's at that really funny in-between age, isn't he?

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One moment he's this big, great man-thing and the next moment

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he's a little kid again and comes and sits on my lap.

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Did you manage to get that appointment with the chiropractor?

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Yeah, Tuesday. Double session.

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Oh, sod it!

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I'll take it like this.

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Mm! Stay sat down, please, and eat that potato up.

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Oh, no offence, but with the swimwear modelling,

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I've got to watch the kilos even more than before.

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Oh, no, not you, Stacey. No, I just... I just meant Karen.

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The cheesy potato's amazing, but it's all carbohydrates and fat.

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That's fine, Stacey. I just... I just want Karen to eat...

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Well, the cheesy potato's all carbohydrates and fat.

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Stacey knows this stuff.

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But you're not going to be modelling bikinis, are you, Karen?

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-There's PE.

-Hm?

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Girls are judgmental. They call Shiniqua "The Muffin".

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Well, Shiniqua is a little...

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patisserie-shaped

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and, of course, that's lovely in its own way.

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It's lovely if you don't care what you look like.

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Hey, Karen, look.

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Argh!

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-PETE: No forks in eyes, Ben.

-Stop trying to frighten me.

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You can frighten me if you like.

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-I quite like being frightened.

-No-one likes being frightened.

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So why is there an hour-and-a-half queue

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for the Stealth at Thorpe Park, which only lasts, like, eight seconds?

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Cos stupid people just join queues.

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No! It... It's fear. It stops you from being boring.

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You can never be bored if you're frightened.

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Well, you wouldn't like it if you were actually scared,

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like if you woke up, in bed, and there was a giant lizard about to murder you.

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You get that dream too? It's one of my favourites.

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Positive you don't want to come?

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Away from the city lights, we'll be able to see this meteor shower...

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No, tomorrow night's the deadline for my UCAS form.

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Oh, yeah, I'm off to Mikey's, by the way. I won't be long.

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He said he'd finished that form weeks ago.

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JAKE: Everything's under control!

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Still, it'll be nice, just you and Ben, won't it?

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It will, yeah.

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-Do you want a hand with the dishes?

-Oh, no, you're fine, thanks.

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WHISPERS: I wish she'd stop going on about diet things when Karen's there.

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I mean, she doesn't need to diet, look at her!

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OK, stop looking at her.

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Well, it's difficult. Kids get very mixed messages about eating.

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I know. It's like, "It's OK to be fat, but you mustn't be."

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I know this is silly, but I do sometimes worry about Karen and her food.

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I mean, she displays all the signs of someone with...food issues.

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You've been on Mumsnet again, haven't you?

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But she does.

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Listen, think of all the websites we had to check out for Jake

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and he's turned out all right, hasn't he?

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Yeah.

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I wish I'd been like him at his age. He's ridiculously chilled out.

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- "Chilled." - Eh?

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He told me I couldn't say "chilled out", I have to say "chilled".

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In fact, he's really uptight about saying "chilled".

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LOUD CLATTER

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What are you doing with all those?

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Because we're going into the wilderness.

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Bear Grylls, he makes his own handles out of ash,

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but I didn't think we'd have enough time to fell the ash trees, so... Yeah.

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We're going to the woods to camp, not to dispose of a body.

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If you want one, there's always Stacey.

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-BEN:

-Ow, I've got a fork stuck in my head!

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Yeah, yeah, very funny, Ben.

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Oh, he has got a fork in his head.

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BEN: Dad, we need to get going.

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It is 6.45...

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on a Saturday morning.

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I've made you a full English breakfast.

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Thanks.

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It doesn't normally involve pizza...

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or chips.

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-What are those?

-Onion bhajis.

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Happy Birthday.

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Thanks.

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Well, I suppose we'd better think about what food we need to take on our trip.

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-Sorted. We're all set.

-So, what...?

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DOOR OPENS

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Have you only just got in?

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Um, someone's broken into our car. They've smashed the window.

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Oh, not again! Why?

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Bloody hell.

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The last lot took the stereo.

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What this country needs is more intelligent crackheads.

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What time do you call this?

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Oh, well, I texted Mum to say I'd be staying late at Mikey's.

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Right, but this is so past late, it's early.

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Dad, you've got to check the car. That's your priority.

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-I think I'll decide what my priority...

-But we'll still be able to go, won't we?

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-Well...

-Dad!

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BEN: Has the seat dried out yet?

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Um, not really.

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-Rabbit!

-What?

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Roadkill. Aren't you playing?

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All I need is badger and pheasant and I've got the set.

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So, Spartacus The Musical,

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how's it going? You've gone a bit quiet about it.

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Yeah, I'm a bit worried about a scene Spartacus has with Lavinia.

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Yeah?

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I've got to kiss her.

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Right. And who's playing Lavinia?

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Tulsa.

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She's really short.

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Like, half-a-dwarf short.

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What, you're worried that everyone will laugh?

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No. Will they?

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-No.

-Then...

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why did you say they would?

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I didn't. I was just worried that's what you were worried about.

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They gave her the part to boost her confidence,

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you know, because of the lisp.

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In Spartacus?

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-They're all going to laugh, aren't they?

-No, no, I am sure I will be...

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Ah, look, badger!

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That wasn't a badger. That was a tyre.

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No, that was definitely a big badger

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or a very small nun.

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So they won't laugh?

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-Or a large penguin.

-Will they laugh?

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-God, no.

-Can you just rehearse my lines with me?

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So there's this really cool new diet you should try.

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It's called the MJH diet,

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which stands for Muslim, Jewish, Hindu.

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Basically, you cut out all the foodstuffs that those religions ban

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because those old guys back in the day, they understood about toxins

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and you get, like, triple karma from doing all three.

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Oh, Stacey, could I just borrow you for a moment?

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Yeah. Sure thing.

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RAPPING: I'm not a slave, I'm not an animal.

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You say I behave just like a cannibal.

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But my soul is brave and your actions are damnable.

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It's justice we crave and our spirit's unjammable.

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So, listen up, don't make a fuss,

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but know his name,

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it's Spartacus!

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HE IMITATES A RECORD SCRATCHING

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Um, Stacey,

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I would prefer it

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if you didn't visit thinness and diet issues with Karen.

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Oh, I... I didn't realise she was...

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She's not...yet.

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I just don't want her obsessing about being thin.

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Dead on.

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Of course, you don't want her ending up a little fatty either.

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Well, I...think we'll just let her find her own shape.

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She hasn't mentioned anything to you about food or...?

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Oh, well, she did say something about school meals being bad for your figure.

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Oh, no, hang on, or was that me?

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RAPPING: No, I'm not a liar.

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We'll beat you like Hannibal.

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Your legions are tired and your warships are rammable.

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-It was a dead fox!

-No way. That was a pheasant.

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RAPPING: We're not for hire and we're just not bannable.

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Our hearts are on fire and your houses are flammable.

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This holy flame is part of us,

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but know his name...

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BOTH: It's Spartacus!

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So, did Mr Farthingwell write all the lyrics?

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Yeah, he has a rhyming dictionary.

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Hm, I think you can tell that.

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What's this?

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Oh. Yeah, I was, um...

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I was browsing around on the internet

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and I stumbled across these great travel offers.

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Oh, Rome! Oh, I want to go there!

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Yeah. Oh, now I vaguely remember you mentioning that.

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Oh, Rome is amazing this time of year.

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Oh, have you been?

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Um...not myself, personally,

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but people I know have, and they say this is the time to go.

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Right now.

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Karen, what is in that sandwich?

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The only thing I don't like about Rome is...is how they're cruel to animals.

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Marmite, first course,

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cheese, main course,

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and Nutella for pudding.

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It kind of makes me tearful how they kill them in that coliseum.

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Oh, well, I think they've stopped that now...

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..the gladiators and the lions.

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Even the Christians.

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There's those guys with capes who stab bulls.

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Oh, bullfighting. No, that's Spain.

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Cos Rome's in Italy

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and the Italians are famously kind to their animals.

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Oh.

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Spain's also very nice.

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RAIN PATTERS

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All I'm saying is, strictly speaking,

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Spartacus should sing in Latin.

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Have you said this to Mr Farthingwell?

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"It's an effing musical, Spartacus," he said.

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He calls me Spartacus all the time now and I call him Lloyd Webber.

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I wish all teachers were like him.

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Yeah, well, there used to be quite a lot of teachers like him...

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but then Michael Gove had them all killed.

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SUE: Oh! What brings you downstairs?

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Breakfast.

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Or, as we call it, lunch.

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You know you need to try and relax, Mum? I am quite low-maintenance.

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I could have been a...gangster,

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or...heroin addict,

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or a priest.

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So you weren't going to tell us about being out all night?

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Only so you wouldn't worry. I protect you from yourselves.

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What are you doing?

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Oh...ee...I'm...nothing, really. I'm just googling about.

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Oh, so you're spying on what Karen's eating at school?

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I'm not spying. I am carefully monitoring, like any responsible...

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-Spy.

-I... Jake!

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PHONE RINGS

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Hi there. How's things?

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Fine, yeah. Are you having a nice time with Ben?

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Yeah, he's just off trying out his new Bear Grylls flexible saw.

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He's a bit worried about the musical, though.

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He's got to kiss a very short girl with a lisp.

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Everyone will laugh.

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Yeah, I know, but...

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CRACKING

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CREAKING LOUD CRASH

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What was that?!

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It sounded a bit like a very large tree falling over.

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Ben!

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Er, Pete,

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I've been looking at what Karen's been eating at school.

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-What?

-Since they've got these lunch cards,

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everything they buy shows up on the computer

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and I'm worried because... PHONE SIGNAL BREAKS UP

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...16... PHONE BEEPS AND GOES DEAD

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Ben, did that noise have anything to do with you?

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Dad, we should go.

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We should go.

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Right.

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ENGINE STARTS

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Karen, is your mum OK with me staying here?

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Grazia Magazine says that older women sometimes feel threatened

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-by having someone young and hot around.

-Oh.

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Ben really likes it, though.

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Ahh, yeah. He's got a bit of a puppy crush on me.

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He's got a photo of you on his wall underneath his Theo Walcott poster.

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Ohh, cute!

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And he's rigged up a series of mirrors

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to try and create a life-sized image of you standing next to his bed.

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LAUGHING: Ohh!

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-Actually, that's quite creepy.

-Yeah.

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-Boys, eh?

-Is there anything else on?

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The Great British Bake Off. This show is pathetic.

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Excuse me, I love this show.

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It's just watching people bake cakes.

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-They do pies as well.

-A pie is a type of cake.

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Why would you have a show all about cakes?

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That's so... They're so bad for you.

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It's so boring...

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-It's so exciting, there's like drama...

-Cakes.

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-There's like...

-JAKE:

-There is drama, actually.

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One time someone stole someone else's custard and it was crazy.

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Really? And then did everyone run around and decide to make another cake?

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That's all going to go straight on her thighs.

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And there's judges as well.

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OK, see the guy there with, like, the orange face and the blue eyes.

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They're complementary colours.

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Well, I've had enough of this. Let's see what else is on.

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CHANNEL CHANGES LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION

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Come Dine With Me.

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Come Dine With Me, Come Dine With Me...

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CHANNEL CHANGES REPEATEDLY

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Dad, is this how you remember it, from when you were a kid?

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Yes...apart from the fly-tipping.

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Jesus!

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It's like a woodland IKEA!

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Top Gear, Top Gear,

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QI, QI, QI, QI...

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Ah, The Man With 10-Stone Testicles.

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What? He's a man with ten testicles made of stone?!

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What?

0:14:380:14:40

Er... No, Stacey, um, I think, basically,

0:14:400:14:44

he's got testicles that weigh ten stone.

0:14:440:14:46

A stone is a weight, you know?

0:14:460:14:47

Why would anybody even have ten testicles?

0:14:470:14:51

-Look, look, two. Two fleshy testicles.

-Oh, Jake, change the channel.

0:14:510:14:54

How does he walk? He probably rolls.

0:14:540:14:57

My uncle brought me and a couple of my mates down here,

0:14:580:15:02

oh, 36 years ago...

0:15:020:15:05

BIRDS CHATTER

0:15:050:15:06

..before these woods were full of parakeets.

0:15:060:15:09

We went swimming in that stream down there.

0:15:090:15:11

Cool. I'll go get some water.

0:15:110:15:13

We carved our names on a tree round here somewhere.

0:15:130:15:16

Back before trees were important.

0:15:160:15:18

What's that?

0:15:200:15:21

It's a condom. According to The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival

0:15:210:15:24

these things are the best things for carrying water.

0:15:240:15:26

Where did you get them?

0:15:260:15:27

Jake's room. They're really light and they can

0:15:270:15:29

-carry around two litres of water.

-Where in Jake's room?

0:15:290:15:31

Bedside table.

0:15:310:15:33

Right.

0:15:330:15:34

And his sock drawer and his coat pocket.

0:15:340:15:36

I haven't got him into trouble, have I?

0:15:370:15:40

Um, no.

0:15:400:15:41

It looks like no-one's going to be... getting into trouble, so that's good.

0:15:410:15:46

Er, we do have bottled water in the car.

0:15:460:15:48

I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it.

0:15:480:15:51

Bear Grylls strains it through his socks.

0:15:510:15:53

OK, as long as you don't mind if I drink the non-condom-and-sock water.

0:15:530:15:58

You know Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines?

0:16:000:16:02

I think that's where they get Baileys from.

0:16:020:16:06

VOICE ON TV

0:16:060:16:07

My sister had her boobs done for her 18th birthday.

0:16:070:16:10

-Oh, really?

-This is her in Bali.

0:16:100:16:13

-Oh, wow, yeah, her boobs look really...

-Stacey, could I just, er...

0:16:130:16:16

Borrow me?

0:16:160:16:18

Sure.

0:16:180:16:19

I reckoned, now Ben wasn't here, boob talk would be allowed.

0:16:220:16:24

Yeah, it's just, um, watching a programme about cosmetic surgery with Karen there.

0:16:240:16:30

No, it's about female empowerment.

0:16:300:16:32

What? Freaking Hell, I Hate My Tits?

0:16:320:16:35

-Yeah.

-It's just...

0:16:350:16:38

I don't want Karen to think it's normal for women to be slit open

0:16:380:16:42

and have bits of plastic inserted into their bodies to please men.

0:16:420:16:45

Oh. Well, with Kitty, my sis, it was more of a self-esteem issue.

0:16:450:16:50

You see, she had one boob much smaller than the other.

0:16:500:16:53

My brothers used to call it "The Hobbit".

0:16:530:16:54

She did a couple of things that were probably just calls for help,

0:16:540:16:58

but we thought it was best just to get it sorted.

0:16:580:17:00

-Well, that does sound different.

-No, that's fine.

0:17:010:17:03

Plastic surgery. I'll add that to the no-no list.

0:17:030:17:06

Have you thought any more about Rome?

0:17:080:17:10

I'm just worried it's a bit...

0:17:100:17:12

old.

0:17:120:17:14

Well, it has been there quite a while, but there are...

0:17:150:17:18

And I've this mate working as an au pair in...Stoke?

0:17:180:17:21

-Stoke.

-Yeah, I was thinking about visiting her.

0:17:210:17:23

Stoke, party capital of Europe.

0:17:230:17:26

Is it?

0:17:260:17:28

Dad, it looks a bit cloudy to see meteors.

0:17:280:17:30

Yeah, afraid so.

0:17:300:17:32

-Get me that bacon, would you?

-The bacon was for the traps, Dad.

0:17:330:17:36

You've set traps?

0:17:360:17:38

Yeah. To catch animals. It's in The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival.

0:17:380:17:43

What are they, twigs that spring open?

0:17:430:17:46

Well, most are toggle and bait release deadfall basket traps.

0:17:460:17:50

Uh-huh.

0:17:500:17:52

But I did also add some baited spring leg snares.

0:17:520:17:55

And where are these...snares?

0:17:560:17:59

Well, they're on the paths,

0:17:590:18:00

all around the campsite, cos, you know, animals walk on paths.

0:18:000:18:03

As do humans, of course, like me.

0:18:030:18:05

Well, then, you stay here,

0:18:050:18:08

and then I'll just tell you when we've caught something.

0:18:080:18:10

Hang on, you have... You have brought food?

0:18:100:18:13

No. You can't bring food. It's too heavy. You need to catch it.

0:18:130:18:15

And there's deer poo everywhere.

0:18:150:18:17

Your traps could catch a deer?!

0:18:170:18:20

Maybe. I mean, probably not a red deer because they're, like, the size of cows.

0:18:200:18:24

So we've got no food at all?

0:18:240:18:25

Maybe we should get the bacon out of the traps. If we washed it...

0:18:250:18:28

They're really well camouflaged and, to be honest,

0:18:280:18:31

I'm not really that sure where I left them.

0:18:310:18:32

So, basically, we are stuck in the middle of nowhere,

0:18:320:18:36

with no food...

0:18:360:18:37

..and surrounded by well-camouflaged snares.

0:18:390:18:43

Correct.

0:18:450:18:46

Um...

0:18:500:18:51

..Karen, I know that you've been talking to Stacey a lot

0:18:520:18:56

and I just want you to know that you really don't have to worry

0:18:560:19:03

about being...

0:19:030:19:05

a nice size.

0:19:050:19:07

-Then why are you saying it?

-Because you don't.

0:19:070:19:09

There's lots of things I don't have to worry about,

0:19:090:19:11

like being carried away by a condor.

0:19:110:19:14

-Good, that's...

-I don't have to worry about

0:19:140:19:16

tripping and falling into the oven headfirst and being cooked.

0:19:160:19:18

There are lots of things I don't have to worry about.

0:19:180:19:20

So, what you're actually saying is,

0:19:200:19:22

I do need to worry about being a nice size.

0:19:220:19:24

No! God, no, absolutely not!

0:19:240:19:27

God, no! I...I...I...

0:19:270:19:28

I couldn't... It...It couldn't matter less.

0:19:280:19:32

It's just that I have stumbled upon

0:19:320:19:38

what you've been eating at school...

0:19:380:19:40

This is about the doughnuts, isn't it?

0:19:400:19:42

16 in a week seems a lot.

0:19:420:19:45

I didn't eat them.

0:19:450:19:47

LISPING: Thpartacuth, you are no leth a man than great Thaesar himself.

0:19:480:19:52

Let Caesar fight me one on one and then we will see who's boss.

0:19:520:19:55

Oh, Thpartacuth...

0:19:550:19:57

Are you sure you want me to speak the way that Tulsa does it ?

0:19:570:20:00

Yes. Definitely. It helps to get used to it.

0:20:000:20:03

Oh, Thpartacuth, if you beat Thaesar, I would kith you.

0:20:030:20:07

And what about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now?

0:20:070:20:10

Yeth.

0:20:100:20:11

Thanks, Dad.

0:20:110:20:13

So, are you sure that nobody will laugh?

0:20:130:20:16

Absolutely. They'll be...

0:20:170:20:20

..too caught up in the romance.

0:20:200:20:22

Oh, look, some raisins from our last trip.

0:20:230:20:27

Can we eat those?

0:20:270:20:29

I mean, the mould is only... CLICK AND SNAP

0:20:290:20:31

What the hell was that?

0:20:310:20:33

One of my traps!

0:20:330:20:35

Why did you give the doughnuts to the other girls?

0:20:350:20:37

You told me to build bridges and make friends.

0:20:370:20:39

Oh, you're buying friends with doughnuts?

0:20:390:20:42

-Yes.

-Oh, God, that's a rel...

0:20:420:20:44

No, actually, no, it's not, is it?

0:20:440:20:46

I do know you can't buy friends.

0:20:460:20:47

Well...you can, kind of, but you usually end up with the fat ones.

0:20:470:20:52

-Oh, Karen!

-Oh, hello. It's Worrywoman.

0:20:530:20:56

What are you worried about now?

0:20:560:20:57

I'm worried that I'm about to punch my son in the face.

0:20:570:21:00

PETE: It's a rabbit. You've actually netted a rabbit.

0:21:020:21:06

-So what do we do now?

-Kill it, gut it, cook it, eat it.

0:21:060:21:10

Well, whack it on the head with your club then.

0:21:100:21:13

I'm so hungry, I could eat any mammal.

0:21:130:21:15

-Except a human, of course.

-Probably not.

0:21:150:21:17

Or a panda cos they're endangered.

0:21:170:21:19

Or a liver of a polar bear because they're toxic.

0:21:190:21:21

They're like huskies' livers. They're toxic as well.

0:21:210:21:23

-And some sea lions actually have...

-Ben?

0:21:230:21:24

-..toxic livers.

-Ben? It's OK.

0:21:240:21:27

We don't have to kill it.

0:21:270:21:29

So, can we let the bunny go?

0:21:290:21:32

Yeah.

0:21:330:21:34

Oh, that was easy.

0:21:370:21:38

Oh, wow! Look at that!

0:21:400:21:43

Me and my mates carved that in 1977!

0:21:430:21:46

-BEN:

-What?

0:21:460:21:48

Nothing. Doesn't matter.

0:21:500:21:52

Dad, there's a lot of cars parked up there on that track.

0:21:520:21:55

Yeah. Probably nature lovers.

0:21:550:21:57

But they're flashing their lights. Do you reckon they're trying to signal?

0:21:570:21:59

Yep...

0:21:590:22:01

but not to us.

0:22:010:22:03

Karen? This history essay, you've only done half a page.

0:22:040:22:08

It's longer than Tequilla's.

0:22:080:22:10

-Tequilla?

-I texted her.

0:22:100:22:12

Why isn't anyone called Janet or John any more?

0:22:120:22:14

There's a LaJanet in 7K.

0:22:140:22:16

LaJanet?

0:22:170:22:19

I googled Stoke.

0:22:190:22:21

-Isn't it lovely?

-Well...

0:22:210:22:23

I'm going to take a gap year.

0:22:230:22:25

-What? Whoa, whoa, hang on!

-I've decided, Mum.

0:22:250:22:27

But you decided you weren't months ago.

0:22:270:22:29

What is it you want to do on a gap year?

0:22:290:22:31

I haven't decided that.

0:22:310:22:32

Is this because you haven't finished your university application form,

0:22:320:22:36

which you assured me was under control and has to be in by midnight?

0:22:360:22:39

-Definitely not.

-Good. Have you finished it?

0:22:390:22:42

-No.

-Have you started it?

0:22:420:22:43

I don't need to. I'm going on a gap year.

0:22:430:22:45

-Gap years are brilliant. As...

-Stacey!

0:22:450:22:48

Can you borrow me?

0:22:490:22:50

Just say no more words.

0:22:520:22:55

It's probably the last chance we'll have to do stuff like this together.

0:22:590:23:02

Well, I thought that, too.

0:23:020:23:04

No offence, but you're quite old already,

0:23:040:23:07

and soon you'll just reach that age

0:23:070:23:09

where you won't want to do stuff with me any more.

0:23:090:23:11

Oh, well, I thought it might be the other way round,

0:23:110:23:13

now you're a teenager.

0:23:130:23:15

Yeah, I mean...being a teenager is quite tricky.

0:23:150:23:20

I sometimes think I'm a bit weird.

0:23:200:23:22

Yeah, well, we all think we're a bit weird because we're the only ones

0:23:220:23:26

who know all the stuff that goes on inside our heads.

0:23:260:23:28

Weird stuff does go on inside my head.

0:23:280:23:30

I can imagine.

0:23:300:23:31

Because weird stuff goes on outside your head.

0:23:310:23:34

You can always talk about it if you want.

0:23:360:23:38

Can I not talk about it if I want?

0:23:380:23:40

That's fine too.

0:23:400:23:42

-Don't say it, Mum.

-Don't say what?

0:23:420:23:43

That I'm going on a gap year for all the wrong reasons.

0:23:430:23:46

I don't have to now, cos you've said it.

0:23:460:23:47

Oh, Mum, look, I might as well put off going to uni for a bit.

0:23:470:23:50

Everyone I know who's graduated is either working in KFC

0:23:500:23:54

or stuck in a duck costume handing out leaflets.

0:23:540:23:56

Yeah, but...

0:23:560:23:57

And the fiscal cliff is still unresolved and how am I meant to fill in a form

0:23:570:24:00

when I don't know what courses lead to what careers in three years' time?

0:24:000:24:05

And I've still got my student loan to pay off,

0:24:050:24:07

then I'm never going get a mortgage

0:24:070:24:08

and, oh, that's not even considering the Eurozone crisis.

0:24:080:24:11

Jakey, Jakey...

0:24:110:24:13

come on!

0:24:130:24:15

It's OK.

0:24:150:24:17

Look, I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and then we can just chill out.

0:24:170:24:20

-Chill! It's "chill", Mum, for Christ's sake.

-"Chill"!

0:24:200:24:23

Right. Glad you're still taking the time to point that out.

0:24:230:24:27

Now,

0:24:270:24:29

why don't we fill in this form

0:24:290:24:31

just in case you change your mind again about a gap year.

0:24:310:24:35

Gap years are so...

0:24:350:24:37

FOX BARKS

0:24:390:24:41

Ben?

0:24:470:24:48

Ben!

0:24:530:24:54

So, what shall we put fifth?

0:24:540:24:57

Geography at Keele? Yeah, good.

0:24:570:25:00

-Where is Keele?

-It's, um...

0:25:000:25:03

It's... It's below Newcastle and above

0:25:030:25:06

Birming... I don't know,

0:25:060:25:08

you're the one doing Geography.

0:25:080:25:09

Oh, stick it down.

0:25:090:25:11

Now you're in a better position to make a decision about gap year.

0:25:110:25:15

Sod it. No gap year.

0:25:150:25:17

Just get on with life.

0:25:170:25:18

Sure?

0:25:180:25:19

All right then, that is us...

0:25:200:25:23

done.

0:25:230:25:24

So now all you have to do is send this off with your personal statement.

0:25:240:25:27

You have done your personal statement, haven't you?

0:25:270:25:29

I've done a first draft.

0:25:290:25:31

Ben?

0:25:310:25:32

The clouds have gone. I didn't know whether to wake you.

0:25:340:25:38

Oh, yeah.

0:25:380:25:39

Are they the meteors?

0:25:400:25:42

Well, either that or Southampton's on fire. That is fantastic.

0:25:430:25:47

Those people in the cars down there.

0:25:470:25:49

They still have their headlights on.

0:25:490:25:50

They won't be able to see the meteors.

0:25:500:25:52

-No.

-Do you reckon I should...tell them?

0:25:520:25:55

No, best not, no.

0:25:550:25:57

Are they doggers?

0:25:580:26:00

Yes, I think they are.

0:26:010:26:02

"I led a team on a charity walk through Morocco

0:26:050:26:08

"to raise money for homeless people."?

0:26:080:26:11

Yeah, OK, fair enough. I did make that one up entirely, but, come on, Mum,

0:26:110:26:14

-everyone lies.

-Yeah, but they lie better.

0:26:140:26:16

Well, actually, most kids,

0:26:160:26:18

their parents write their personal statements for them.

0:26:180:26:20

They...they contribute nothing?

0:26:200:26:21

Well, they read them,

0:26:210:26:23

although Tommy forgot to do that.

0:26:230:26:25

That's how he got caught out in interview,

0:26:250:26:27

when they started asking about his missionary work in Angola.

0:26:270:26:29

So did you like being a teenager?

0:26:320:26:34

Not really.

0:26:340:26:35

I could cope with the misery and the acne,

0:26:350:26:37

I just wasn't very good at the rebellion.

0:26:370:26:39

So I'm guessing you quite liked it when you turned 20?

0:26:390:26:42

I wasn't great at that, either.

0:26:430:26:44

So what bit did you like?

0:26:440:26:46

I quite like now.

0:26:460:26:48

You like now? Despite having Karen and Jake and me and haemorrhoids?

0:26:480:26:53

Yeah, despite that.

0:26:540:26:56

You see, I'm not sure about being a teenager,

0:26:560:27:00

like, a proper one.

0:27:000:27:01

To be honest, I quite like now.

0:27:020:27:04

Well, liking now, that's a real gift.

0:27:040:27:06

That's as good as it gets. With luck, you'll...

0:27:060:27:08

MAN SCREAMS

0:27:080:27:10

-Shall we get back to the tent?

-I think that's best.

0:27:120:27:14

Here, Mum, listen - this is really cool.

0:27:170:27:19

Last night, these slugs crawled into my boots.

0:27:190:27:21

Go and take them off.

0:27:210:27:22

They're actually quite comfy.

0:27:220:27:25

How are you feeling?

0:27:250:27:27

Fine.

0:27:270:27:28

I'm really glad we did it.

0:27:280:27:31

BEN: I'll run a bath, cos we're both really smelly.

0:27:310:27:33

Ben is brilliant at setting traps.

0:27:330:27:36

So he caught something, then?

0:27:360:27:37

A rabbit, a labradoodle, and two doggers.

0:27:370:27:39

They should put that on their list of 50 things to do with your kids.

0:27:400:27:43

It's something to go on his personal statement...when I write it.

0:27:430:27:47

11.57 that application went in last night. Three minutes to midnight!

0:27:470:27:52

-JAKE:

-We got there, didn't we?

0:27:520:27:54

I bet she's rolling her eyes.

0:27:540:27:55

Relax, Mum, it was fine.

0:27:550:27:58

I expect you know... Jake is very chilled.

0:27:580:28:01

-"Chill."

-Hm?

0:28:010:28:03

I'm chill, not chilled.

0:28:030:28:04

Oh, this is cheating. You told us yesterday it was "chilled".

0:28:040:28:06

-Hiya, Dad.

-Hi, darling, what's new?

0:28:060:28:08

Mum got rid of Stacey.

0:28:080:28:09

-No, I did not!

-She paid for

0:28:090:28:12

-her train ticket to Scotland.

-She wanted to visit Edinburgh.

0:28:120:28:14

Mum told her it was always sunny.

0:28:140:28:16

Hang on, how much is a return ticket to Edinburgh?

0:28:160:28:18

Well, it wasn't a return.

0:28:180:28:20

You need to watch Ben,

0:28:210:28:23

cos I think he's got

0:28:230:28:24

food issues.

0:28:240:28:26

Dad and Ben go on a winter camping trip, where Ben shows off his survival skills. Jake has to decide about a gap year, and Mum has had enough of Australian god-daughter Stacey staying.


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