Episode 5 Outnumbered


Episode 5

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Transcript


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TV ON

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Doctor Zhivago!

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Yes!

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Just in time for the massacre.

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PHONE RINGS

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TV OFF

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Hiya.

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-What are you up to?

-'Oh, you know.'

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Hard at it. Just getting stuck in to some odd jobs.

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'Don't forget that'

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Dave is coming round to fix the central heating,

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cos they're saying it could be minus seven tomorrow.

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You're not going to do a joke about global warming, are you?

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-No.

-'Good.'

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Cos I heard three of those in the newsagent's.

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Karen should be back by five

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-and can you make sure she...

-Don't you worry. Everything is under control.

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OK, bye

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Eh?

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VOICE MAIL INDISTINCT

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Oh, no.

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No!

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BACKGROUND CHATTER

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OK. Melissa, so, um...

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I've made a seating plan, so if you sit here...

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See? "Melissa".

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And, er, Judy, if you could sit here... PHONE RINGS

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Oh, hang on. Sorry, this won't take a sec. Hello.

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My stupid phone has been storing up voice mails from hours ago.

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'There is one from Dave the plumber, who is stuck on another job.'

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So he needs me to go and pick up the pump from the...pump place.

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And the other one is from the garage,

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saying that I have to pick up the car by 4.30 today.

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But they said tomorrow!

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No, they are closing tomorrow...

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-But it's a bank holiday on Monday!

-'Exactly.'

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So, if I don't shift my arse,

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we're going to have no heating and no car for three days.

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Sorry, you're breaking up. I didn't hear that.

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Is there any chance of you getting home for Karen?

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No!

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This...this video-conferencing thing is with a potential American client

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and they've asked me to set it up and sit in on the discussion,

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'so they're finally taking me seriously.'

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They're not going to take me seriously if I bunk off home

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and cook my daughter's fish fingers.

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'Tell Jake to cover Karen.'

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SIGHS

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Sorry about that.

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Okey-dokey. Let's get this Skype connection up and running.

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And...abracadabra.

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Bish-bash-bosh.

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Hi-ho, hi-ho,

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it's off to w... I'm just going to ring IT.

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Pick up, pick up... Ah, Jake!

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-Any chance of a lift?

-What?

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I've lost my Oyster card, and it looks like snow.

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You've lost... Hang on - you don't have an Oyster card. You lost it last week.

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Yeah, I took yours.

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So when you say you've lost your Oyster card,

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what you mean is, you've lost my Oyster card?

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Yeah. Bummer, eh?

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Well, I can't give you a lift cos I haven't got a car, so you'll just have to buy a ticket and...

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-I can't do that - I've got no cash.

-You've got no cash?

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-What kind of person...

-PHONE BEEPS

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Hold on a minute.

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Hiya.

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Karen's just texted. She's forgotten her key.

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Jake is OK to let her in, isn't he?

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Well...

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Someone has to let her in, Pete.

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If Mrs Delgado spots her freezing on the doorstep, she'll report us to Social Services again.

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-No, she...

-She will, Pete.

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There'll be interviews and spot checks and...

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it'll be Ben and the harpoon all over again.

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'Look, I will sort it.'

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Jake? Listen, I've got to go fetch a pump and a car and I need someone to let Karen in.

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-I can probably make it home in time.

-Good man.

-Provided I get a taxi.

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-I'm not paying for a...

-PHONE BEEPS

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Hold on.

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Yeah?

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Another text from Karen.

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The headmistress wants to see her, so she's being kept back after school.

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Splendid!

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Splendid?!

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No, obviously that's not splendid, no, but it does

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take the pressure off a bit. Just leave it all with me, OK?

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Still there?

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-So, about this taxi. If...

-'No taxi, Jake.'

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You've got to use your own initiative. You can't just keep forgetting stuff.

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You need to be more organised.

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You're 17 now - you're about to head out into the real world.

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Come on, Dad, look....

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Can't chat - got to ring Karen.

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PHONE RINGS

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Come in, Karen.

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I expect you'd like to turn that off, wouldn't you?

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Yes, Mrs Raynott.

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Eh?

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Oh, I'll send a...

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Bloody predictive text!

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Why would I be sending a text to someone called Karma?!

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We have invented technology that is more impatient than we are.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Ah! Ben!

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Listen, how quickly can you get home?

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My name is Lee.

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-Sorry?

-'My name is Lee.'

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I find phone.

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I'm sorry, this is a very bad...

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'My name is Lee.'

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I ring first number.

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OK, I understand.

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'Where are you?'

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I am Lee.

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Yes. Where are you?

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No hear. Bad phone.

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-(SLOWLY)

-'Listen, that is my son's phone.'

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I tell him to come find you.

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Where...are...you?

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I am...

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Lee. Yes, I think we've established that.

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So...

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Karen Brockman.

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I've heard a lot about you,

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especially in the weekly staff meetings.

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Now then, I understand you've been having a bit of trouble

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adapting to secondary school and that's not unusual -

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different children react in different ways.

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But I have to say, in my 19 years as a head,

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this is the first time I've had one write a formal letter of complaint...

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to the governors.

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-Do your parents know you wrote this?

-No,

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I don't usually involve them in school stuff.

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They just...panic.

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Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on a very thorough review

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of the school's shortcomings.

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You've certainly saved Ofsted the bother of a visit(!)

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I particularly like this very helpful list

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of all the rules you think are "lame".

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I wonder if you'd be kind enough to talk me through your findings.

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Read it to me.

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Go on.

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"Number one - staff defects..."

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Hi, Dad.

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-Jake, listen,...

-'I'm OK to get home now,'

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thank you for asking. Mikey lent me his Oyster.

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Good, good. Can you just nip back to the school,

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and can you pop into Ben's Spartacus rehearsal

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and tell him that a Chinese man called Lee has found his phone

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and is waiting for him in the cafe on the common?

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'OK? I'm going to whizz out just as soon'

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as I can find my bloody keys.

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Oh, I've got those.

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Well, where are your keys?

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I wish I knew.

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Why does this family lose everything?

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I'm going to start nailing things to people's hands.

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Nope, I didn't get that. Your phone is so crap.

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Just get back here to let Karen in, OK?

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Spare keys, spare keys,

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spare keys, spare keys...

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Spare keys, spare keys...

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In the fruit bowl with all the fruit - where else?

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"13 - the kitchen staff can get very rude

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"if you ask them when they last washed their hands.

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"14..."

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Shall we take the remaining 12 points as read? We don't want your voice getting tired, do we?

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What was your primary school like, Karen? Was it small?

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Small and friendly?

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Quite small, yes.

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And I bet you got lots of gold stars, didn't you?

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Cos at primary school they dish out gold stars for...

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Well, for breathing, really.

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But my job at this school is gradually to introduce children to the adult world.

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So here, we get judged on performance.

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Now, how do you feel you've been performing, Karen?

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I think my performance can improve in some areas.

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That's good.

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But I think some teachers have been under-marking me.

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Oh, yes. Point number 24.

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How are we doing? Are we sorted?

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We're fine. Jake's on his way back, I'm off to the garage -

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everything is under control. Mrs Delgado

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is looking at me. I'm giving her a friendly wave as I say,

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"Burn in hell, you nosy cow."

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(SIGHS) I've never seen one do this before.

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Yes, you have mentioned that.

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Um, what's the ETA, Brett? Only this meeting should have started three minutes ago.

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-Have you tried switching it...

-Off and on again? Yes, I have, several times,

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because I am aware that this is a highly sophisticated piece of technology

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that can sometimes be fixed by randomly switching it off and on.

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I know. It's weird, isn't it?

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PHONE RINGS

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Yes, Jake?

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They wouldn't let me on the bus. Mikey's Oyster had nothing on it.

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He gave you an Oyster with no credit on it?

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He didn't know - it's his dad's Oyster.

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Oh, for...

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Did you give Ben that message?

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Er, no. He wasn't there. The rehearsal got cut short. Ben'll probably be home by now.

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So if I get a cab, he could probably pay for it when I get there.

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Dad?

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Dad...?

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ENGAGED TONE

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Hmm!

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So let me get this right, Frank.

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You're calling us because we're paying too much for our electricity?

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ENGAGED TONE

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PHONE RINGS

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Jake's just texted - he's stranded.

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Who's going to be home for Karen? Have you contacted her?

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No, her phone's off. But, I'll text her and tell her the spare key's in the big flowerpot.

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It's illegal to leave an 11-year-old at home on their own.

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Yeah, but the phone's busy. I think Ben must be at home.

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It's also illegal to leave a 13-year-old in charge of an 11-year-old.

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Yeah, but it's...less illegal.

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"Less illegal"?

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Yeah.

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Also, that 13-year-old is Ben, a boy

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who several insurance companies have blacklisted.

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I'll ring Janet over the road

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and see if she can cover till you or Jake gets back.

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Fine. I'm nearly at the garage.

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All right, ladies. Looks like we're in business.

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Sue?

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I-I've just got to, um... I-I-I...

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I won't be a tick. I've just...got to...

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SIGHS

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Oh, hi, Janet.

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Jane?

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Oh!

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Hello, Jane.

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Yeah, do you know, actually, I rang you by mistake.

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I meant to ring someone else - I meant to ring Ja...

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No. No, I haven't been in touch for a while. I'm sorry about that -

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things have been a bit...

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Eight months? As long as that?

0:11:000:11:02

Yeah, well, as I say, things have...

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Have you? Right.

0:11:060:11:08

-Hello.

-Good afternoon.

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I've come to collect my car. My name's Brockman.

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-Of course. They bring out for you in a moment. Would you like a coffee?

-Er, no, thank you.

-Tea? Juice?

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No, really, I'm...

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We have juice-maker.

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No, honestly, I'm fine.

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Help yourself to magazine.

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Thanks, I am in a b...

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ENGAGED TONE

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One question. What exactly is a direct debit?

0:11:290:11:33

No. Oh, OK, yeah, my parents are going to have to deal with this.

0:11:340:11:38

Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm only 13.

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Yeah. Yeah, you're right - I do have a deep voice.

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It's actually why I was given the part of Spartacus in school.

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Yeah, it's about the whole story of Spartacus.

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Except now I don't get crucified because two RE teachers threatened to resign.

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No.

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No, i-it doesn't mean you're a bad picker of men, it's just...

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A-ha. Li... Li...

0:12:000:12:03

Listen, Jane...

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Mm-hm.

0:12:050:12:07

Cage-fighter. Aha...

0:12:080:12:10

Well, at least he wasn't a jihadist like the last one.

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Oh, he was. Right.

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Listen, now's not a great...

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Don't cry.

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Please, don't...don't cry.

0:12:230:12:26

Sorry to abandon you, Karen. Bit of an issue over whether

0:12:260:12:28

someone's allowed to throw a javelin whilst wearing a niqab.

0:12:280:12:31

Perhaps you might like to mention that in your next missive to the governors.

0:12:310:12:35

Biscuit?

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Um, OK.

0:12:360:12:38

Garibaldis.

0:12:380:12:40

Tell me, Karen, do you like Roald Dahl?

0:12:400:12:43

Sorry?

0:12:430:12:45

Have you read much Roald Dahl?

0:12:450:12:46

When I was younger, yes.

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And which was your favourite? Was it Matilda? I bet it was.

0:12:490:12:51

Yes, it was.

0:12:510:12:53

Yes, Matilda. A very special little girl who refuses to buckle under,

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and so defeats all those stupid grown-ups.

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It's a great story.

0:13:010:13:03

Shall I tell you something, Karen?

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I'd ban Roald Dahl.

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He's probably ruined more children's lives than polio.

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Ruined them with the ludicrous belief that all adults are stupid

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and can routinely be outwitted by small children and the occasional fox.

0:13:160:13:19

More bickies?

0:13:190:13:21

I will call you back in a while, I promise.

0:13:210:13:25

You just...relax and...

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get on top of the hyperventilating thing.

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OK, cos I... Cos I really should be in a m...

0:13:320:13:34

Oh, I...can't 'ear. You're brea'...up...

0:13:370:13:41

PHONE OFF

0:13:430:13:44

SIGHS

0:13:470:13:48

Yeah...

0:13:480:13:49

Oh, no!

0:13:520:13:54

I dunno. These things are great when they work, in't they?

0:13:540:13:57

You see, Karen...

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you're a kid...and we're adults.

0:14:000:14:03

We outrank you.

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We're stronger than you, we know more stuff than you

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and we can reach things you can't.

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And, yes, we may sometimes come up with some stupid rules

0:14:100:14:13

but, nonetheless, them's the rules.

0:14:130:14:16

Not all of the grown-ups in Matilda are stupid.

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Her form tutor, Miss Honey, was nice. She let Matilda go and live with her.

0:14:180:14:23

In the real world, dear,

0:14:230:14:24

Miss Honey would be sacked for inappropriate behaviour.

0:14:240:14:27

Now, if you like reading, I recommend this.

0:14:270:14:30

Lord Of The Flies.

0:14:320:14:33

Yup. That's what really happens when children get to make the rules - corpses everywhere.

0:14:330:14:38

So, Karen Brockman,

0:14:380:14:40

what are we going to do about your little complaint...hmm?

0:14:400:14:45

-PHONE RINGS OUT

-Actually, will it be much longer?

0:14:450:14:47

-Only I am up against a bit of...

-'Hello.'

0:14:470:14:49

Ben! You have been on the phone for ages!

0:14:510:14:54

Did you know we're paying too much for our electricity?

0:14:540:14:57

What? Look, you've lost your phone.

0:14:570:15:00

Didn't get that.

0:15:000:15:01

You've lost your phone.

0:15:010:15:03

Oh! Yeah, right.

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I noticed I hadn't got it.

0:15:050:15:07

I thought maybe I'd left it at home.

0:15:070:15:08

Well, why didn't you borrow a phone and ring home to check?

0:15:080:15:11

Oh, I don't know our phone number.

0:15:110:15:12

You don't know your own home phone number?!

0:15:120:15:16

Oh, come on. Who knows phone numbers? We have phones to remember those.

0:15:160:15:20

Look, get on your bike, shoot up to the cafe on the common

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and collect your phone from a fella called Mr Lee.

0:15:230:15:26

'Then head straight home, OK? It's very important.'

0:15:260:15:29

Karen's forgotten her key.

0:15:290:15:31

And how exactly do I recognise this Mr Lee?

0:15:310:15:34

He's a Chinese tourist in a cafe in Ealing.

0:15:340:15:38

Now, get going.

0:15:380:15:40

-MACHINE WHIRS

-Excuse me.

0:15:410:15:43

Excuse me.

0:15:430:15:46

Excuse me... Hello!

0:15:460:15:48

MACHINE STOPS

0:15:480:15:49

Right, like I was saying, I am in a bit of a....

0:15:490:15:51

Juice? Cranberry and wheatgrass?

0:15:510:15:53

-No, thank you.

-Carrot and apple is very calming.

0:15:530:15:55

-No, I'm sure...

-I also have beetroot, blueberry...

-Yep, good.

0:15:550:15:58

-..strawberry, banana, ginger...

-Super. No, thank you!

0:15:580:16:01

I have to pick up a pump

0:16:010:16:02

and I'm a little bit worried that they might close, so if...

0:16:020:16:05

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me.

0:16:050:16:08

Janet's not picking up. Will someone....

0:16:080:16:10

Will someone definitely be home for Karen?

0:16:110:16:13

-Ben should be back by then.

-You're breaking up.

0:16:130:16:15

-I said, Ben should be in the house because...

-Still can't hear.

0:16:150:16:18

-Is this better?

-Yep. Better.

-Right,

0:16:180:16:21

-I said, we should be OK, because Ben...

-No, you're gone again.

0:16:210:16:23

-How's this?

-You're all hissy.

0:16:230:16:25

Are you sure you're not standing too close to an appliance?

0:16:250:16:28

Oh, right, yeah. Silly me. I've got my head in a microwave.

0:16:280:16:31

-Oh, so you heard that - that's excellent. Now...

-You're breaking up.

0:16:310:16:34

You...you really need to replace that phone.

0:16:340:16:37

I can't hear you.

0:16:370:16:38

-Maybe it's me - I'll try moving around a bit.

-I'll go outside.

0:16:380:16:41

Is this better?

0:16:410:16:42

-No, you...

-Is that any better?

0:16:420:16:44

CAR ENGINE ROARS

0:16:440:16:47

Is that any better?

0:16:470:16:48

Can you hear me?

0:16:480:16:50

Yes!

0:16:500:16:52

Right, no-one move!

0:16:520:16:54

The situation is this. I'm just...

0:16:540:16:56

CHATTER

0:17:070:17:09

Excuse me. I am really up against it now.

0:17:190:17:22

When I arrived, you said my car would be ready in a moment

0:17:220:17:24

and that was quite a few moments ago.

0:17:240:17:27

-Of course. I chase up you at once, Mr Brockman.

-Well, you...

0:17:270:17:30

PHONE RINGS

0:17:300:17:32

-Why haven't you answered my text?

-Well, which one?

0:17:320:17:34

You've been sending them at the rate of about one a minute,

0:17:340:17:36

each of them saying something different.

0:17:360:17:38

-You see, this is the trouble with texting.

-And he's off.

0:17:380:17:42

It is a licence for indecision and unpunctuality and...

0:17:420:17:45

-Once you've got the car, you'll pick me up outside Nando's? Right. Cheers, mate, bye.

-What?!

0:17:450:17:50

-Yay! Hooray. We have liftoff.

-At last.

0:17:530:17:56

Mr Johnson? Welcome.

0:17:560:17:58

I'm Sue Brockman, acting deputy office co-ordinator

0:17:580:18:02

here at Optimum Outcomes.

0:18:020:18:04

Er, firstly, I'd like to apologise for the delay.

0:18:040:18:06

I hope we haven't kept you waiting for too long.

0:18:060:18:08

Am I supposed to be seeing something?

0:18:090:18:11

I'm supposed to see something, aren't I? I'm not seeing anything.

0:18:130:18:15

Mr Johnson, can you... Can you hear us? Cos we can see you.

0:18:150:18:18

Mr Johnson, it's, er, Melissa - Melissa Grainger.

0:18:180:18:20

We can see you but we can't...

0:18:200:18:22

-Can you get Jason from IT in here?

-Can you hear what we're...?

-Crap never works.

-This is ridiculous.

0:18:220:18:26

(MUMBLES) Brett?

0:18:260:18:27

OK, I've spoken to Danny and he said your car will be ready shortly.

0:18:290:18:34

Shortly?

0:18:340:18:35

Yes.

0:18:350:18:36

Could you be a bit more...precise?

0:18:360:18:39

It will be ready presently.

0:18:390:18:40

-No, you see, "presently" is no better than "shortly"...

-Directly?

-I

-need a time, not an adverb.

0:18:400:18:45

How many minutes?

0:18:450:18:47

I check for you.

0:18:490:18:50

Goddamn it, Jason. This meeting with the British assholes

0:18:520:18:55

was supposed to have taken place 20 minutes ago.

0:18:550:18:57

Mr Johnson, we can hear you.

0:18:570:19:00

I hate every inch of this cr...

0:19:000:19:02

Hey, geronimo! I see something!

0:19:020:19:05

Er, hi, Mr Johnson. Er, can you see me?

0:19:050:19:07

-I see a forehead.

-Ooh, right. Well, if we just...we just....

0:19:080:19:11

I can't negotiate with a forehead. I have to look 'em in the eyes...

0:19:110:19:15

Is that good?

0:19:150:19:16

PHONE RINGS

0:19:160:19:17

Sue! I'd hugely appreciate it if you didn't take any more calls. With you in a second, Mr Johnson.

0:19:170:19:21

That's not a face. That's the...

0:19:210:19:22

(CHUCKLES) OK. Yeah, yeah.

0:19:220:19:26

Great, I'll tell him.

0:19:260:19:28

OK, so Barry said your car will be ready in 15 to 40 minutes...ish.

0:19:280:19:32

-They're twiddling with something.

-Did he say exactly what they're twiddling?

0:19:320:19:35

No, the guys don't like to confuse me with technical bollocks.

0:19:350:19:40

-OK, sorry, I can't risk not collecting that pump.

-When will you collect your car?

0:19:400:19:43

Presently. Directly. Shortly(!)

0:19:430:19:46

So, Karen, after careful consideration,

0:19:460:19:49

I've decided I'm going to file your little tome.

0:19:490:19:52

Actually, could you file it for me?

0:19:540:19:56

Where, Mrs Raynott?

0:19:570:19:59

In the green, circular filing cabinet by your feet.

0:19:590:20:02

I bet you win all the arguments at home, don't you?

0:20:070:20:10

Of course you do. Cos they're family - they're your prisoners.

0:20:100:20:13

You can grind them down day after day.

0:20:130:20:16

But I'm not your prisoner, am I, Karen?

0:20:160:20:18

No, Mrs Raynott.

0:20:180:20:20

To me, you're just one child out of several hundred.

0:20:200:20:23

You see, Karen, everybody is unique... but nobody's special.

0:20:230:20:27

That's the real world.

0:20:270:20:28

And the real world isn't going to change, so you are going to have to. OK?

0:20:280:20:34

OK.

0:20:340:20:36

All I needed was someone to explain it to me.

0:20:380:20:41

Splendid! I sense the emergence of a team player.

0:20:410:20:44

Do you know, Karen, I once knew a little girl like you

0:20:440:20:47

a long, long time ago.

0:20:470:20:50

She was clever.

0:20:500:20:51

She had lots of opinions, which she loved to share.

0:20:510:20:54

She thought she was the centre of the universe

0:20:540:20:57

and she didn't think the rules should apply to her.

0:20:570:20:59

And do you know what happened to that strong-willed little girl?

0:20:590:21:02

Did she become a head teacher?

0:21:020:21:04

No, she got expelled. She's in prison now.

0:21:040:21:07

Turns out the rules did apply to her after all.

0:21:070:21:09

Bye-bye, Karen. Enjoy the book.

0:21:090:21:12

Oh! Phew!

0:21:170:21:19

I was worried you'd be closed.

0:21:190:21:22

It's Mr Brockman. I've come to collect a pump for my central heating.

0:21:220:21:26

It's £112, please.

0:21:280:21:30

Just in time, eh?

0:21:300:21:32

There's talk of blizzards tomorrow. So much for global warming, eh?

0:21:320:21:36

Yeah, although, actually...

0:21:370:21:39

What?

0:21:390:21:40

Doesn't matter.

0:21:400:21:42

'Hi. This is Ben. Sadly, I'm afraid I'm unavailable to talk right now

0:21:450:21:48

'as I've been abducted by aliens.

0:21:480:21:51

'Please leave a message. Aargh!

0:21:510:21:56

'They're probing me!'

0:21:560:21:57

BEEP

0:21:570:21:58

Ben, it's Dad. Are you home yet?

0:21:580:22:00

This is coming up blocked.

0:22:020:22:03

It must be so cool being Chinese. I mean, there's so many of you,

0:22:050:22:08

it must be really easy to find people with the same interests as you.

0:22:080:22:11

There's only 70 million people in the UK

0:22:110:22:13

and I still haven't found anyone like me.

0:22:130:22:16

And you get to eat snakes and sea slugs and birds' nests and stuff like that.

0:22:160:22:20

Also, in China, do you guys send out for English takeaways?

0:22:200:22:22

You talk fast.

0:22:240:22:26

-MR JOHNSON:

-'..fully baked before this thing is ready to roll.'

-OK.

-'Um,

0:22:260:22:30

'you know what? I think Bob from our Zurich office

0:22:300:22:32

'needs to be in on this conversation. Is there any way can we patch him in?'

0:22:320:22:35

Oh, I'm sure we can manage that, can't we, Brett?

0:22:360:22:40

Irregular spending pattern?

0:22:420:22:45

Yeah, well, you can't just block my card without war...

0:22:450:22:48

You sent me a voice mail?

0:22:480:22:49

Oh, well, I will probably get that sometime next month.

0:22:490:22:52

Yes, I can definitely confirm that I am me,

0:22:530:22:56

and I'm really in a hurry so...

0:22:560:22:58

My memorable place? OK, my memorable place is...

0:22:590:23:02

..Arsenal?

0:23:040:23:06

OK, then it's Ealing. OK, it's not Ealing.

0:23:060:23:08

Look, I've had this card for ages!

0:23:080:23:11

Er...

0:23:110:23:13

Edinburgh.

0:23:130:23:14

Torbay.

0:23:140:23:15

Lindisfarne.

0:23:150:23:17

'And so we're going to go through those steps, and I have to

0:23:170:23:20

-'dot all the T's and cross all the I's...'

-PHONE CHIMES

0:23:200:23:22

'..to make sure that we're kosher with the folks upstairs. But I'll tell you this...

0:23:220:23:26

'Er, you folks are certainly, right now, my number-one pick, er...

0:23:260:23:33

provided that you are able to...'

0:23:330:23:35

Oh!

0:23:350:23:36

SUE: I'm sorry.

0:23:360:23:37

Don't call me. I'll call...

0:23:370:23:39

My mother's maiden name is Hatton - is that not enough?

0:23:390:23:42

My favourite colour is blue.

0:23:420:23:44

W-We had a cat called Timmy. I...

0:23:440:23:46

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, Sue.

0:23:460:23:47

This had better be fantastically important!

0:23:470:23:50

No, it's a credit-card check.

0:23:500:23:52

Can you remember my memorable place? Because I can't.

0:23:520:23:55

-I should have picked a more memorable memorable place, but I...

-'All right. OK,'

0:23:550:23:59

just... Just calm down.

0:23:590:24:01

I've lost you.

0:24:010:24:02

Oh, this bloody phone...

0:24:020:24:04

Calm down. Your memorable place is...

0:24:040:24:06

DRYER WHIRS

0:24:060:24:07

..the same as...

0:24:070:24:09

DRYER STOPS

0:24:090:24:10

Your memorable place is the same as

0:24:100:24:12

-'my memorable place.'

-Oh, that is...

0:24:120:24:14

It's where we first met.

0:24:140:24:16

Right, so that's, um...

0:24:160:24:17

..Yates's Wine Lodge?

0:24:190:24:20

No, where we first met. For the first time.

0:24:200:24:23

Oh, right, where we... Where we... Where we...

0:24:230:24:26

First met. The place where...

0:24:260:24:28

You can't remember where we first met, can you?

0:24:280:24:30

-Sue, I'm under a lot of pressure here.

-For God's sake, it's New...

0:24:300:24:34

LINE BREAKS UP

0:24:340:24:35

Sue, you're breaking up. I missed the second bit.

0:24:350:24:37

New...

0:24:370:24:38

LINE BREAKS UP

0:24:380:24:40

No, I missed the same bit again.

0:24:410:24:42

Oh!

0:24:420:24:44

Right. OK, listen, it's definitely got the word "new" in it.

0:24:470:24:51

What do you mean, that's not enough?!

0:24:510:24:53

OK, um, New Cross. New Malden.

0:24:530:24:57

Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

0:24:590:25:00

Newcastle-under-Lyme.

0:25:000:25:02

New...sagent.

0:25:030:25:05

Hello?

0:25:070:25:08

OK, I'm nearly home now.

0:25:090:25:11

SUE: 'OK, let me check I've got this right.'

0:25:110:25:13

Our 11-year-old daughter

0:25:130:25:15

is most likely standing on our doorstep, in full view, frozen solid.

0:25:150:25:21

And we have absolutely no idea where her brothers are.

0:25:210:25:24

That's the gist of it, yeah.

0:25:240:25:26

And we have no heating and no car.

0:25:260:25:27

Nope.

0:25:270:25:29

But the good news is... Karen's not standing on the doorstep.

0:25:290:25:31

'That's not good news!'

0:25:310:25:33

Where the hell is she?

0:25:330:25:34

Listen, I'm going to ring the school.

0:25:340:25:36

Don't worry. I'll ring you back.

0:25:360:25:39

-KAREN:

-Is that you, Dad?

0:25:410:25:42

Yeah, I'm just...

0:25:420:25:44

-I thought you'd forgotten your key!

-Yeah, turned out it was in my inside coat pocket.

0:25:510:25:55

Oh.

0:25:550:25:56

-PHONE RINGS

-It...

0:25:560:25:57

Ben, is that you?

0:25:590:26:00

I can't hear anything - your phone's crap.

0:26:000:26:02

Where in God's name are you?

0:26:020:26:07

I'm at the cafe on the common with Mr and Mrs Lee and their friends.

0:26:070:26:10

Listen, if we ever go to Shanghai I've got loads of addresses.

0:26:100:26:13

-Can I bring some of them home for tea?

-Ben, I've had a very difficult day and I really don't want to be...

0:26:130:26:19

invaded by Chinese hordes.

0:26:190:26:21

That's a bit racist.

0:26:210:26:23

"Chinese hordes" isn't racist.

0:26:230:26:25

-Oh! Oh, oh, I thought you said "whores".

-What?

0:26:250:26:29

-SHOUTS:

-Chinese whores!

0:26:290:26:31

You need to replace that phone.

0:26:310:26:34

DOOR BELL RINGS

0:26:340:26:35

Ben...just...come home now.

0:26:350:26:39

-RINGING CONTINUES

-All right, all right!

0:26:390:26:41

Oh! Let me guess - you've lost your key. Or, rather, you've lost my key.

0:26:430:26:47

Er, no. I've lost the feeling in my hands -

0:26:470:26:49

couldn't turn the bloody thing.

0:26:490:26:50

Thanks for picking me up, by the way(!)

0:26:500:26:53

I couldn't get the car...or the pump.

0:26:530:26:56

They refused my card, and I forgot my memorable place.

0:26:560:26:58

You forgot something?

0:26:580:27:00

Ah, well, you need to be more organised, Dad.

0:27:000:27:02

You're nearly 49 now.

0:27:020:27:04

-Yes, OK.

-You'll be heading out

0:27:040:27:06

-into the real world soon.

-OK.

0:27:060:27:08

I'm going to make a cup of tea. Who else would like one?

0:27:080:27:10

Did you hear that?

0:27:130:27:14

Yes.

0:27:140:27:16

Any takers?

0:27:160:27:18

Yes, I'd like one, please, Karen. Thank you.

0:27:190:27:21

METAL CLANGS

0:27:210:27:23

What was that?

0:27:230:27:24

Oh, that's the plumber. I let him in earlier.

0:27:240:27:26

Dave?

0:27:280:27:29

-Dave?

-Yeah?

0:27:310:27:33

Listen...I couldn't get that pump. I'm really sorry.

0:27:330:27:37

Oh, don't worry.

0:27:370:27:38

Turns out I had another one in the back of the van.

0:27:380:27:41

You had one?

0:27:430:27:44

Yeah. I left another voice mail, couple of hours ago. Didn't you get it?

0:27:440:27:48

No.

0:27:490:27:51

No, I didn't.

0:27:510:27:53

PHONE RINGS

0:27:550:27:57

Hello.

0:27:580:28:00

Hi, Mum. Yeah. No, everyone's accounted for here.

0:28:000:28:02

-How's your big meeting going?

-'Well...'

0:28:020:28:05

we had some problems, but everything seems to be sorted now.

0:28:050:28:09

'...a very valid point. I am going to have to confer with Bob on this.

0:28:090:28:14

'Bob, do those numbers make sense to you?'

0:28:140:28:16

So, everything's all right at home?

0:28:160:28:18

Everything's good.

0:28:180:28:19

Although Dad does need a new phone.

0:28:190:28:21

Ah, yeah, I know...

0:28:210:28:23

No, he needs to get a new phone because he's stamping on this one.

0:28:230:28:25

Stamping?

0:28:250:28:27

Yeah, kind of stamping.

0:28:270:28:28

Kind of hard to describe.

0:28:280:28:31

Have you ever seen Riverdance?

0:28:310:28:33

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