Episode 6 Outnumbered

Zofi, find me the number... for E.ON Power.

'Do you want me to search Facebook for Ian Power?'

Jesus.

Search E.ON!

'Do you want me to search for sea urchin?'

Sea urchin? What the...?

You've only had that phone for five minutes

and already you're in a dysfunctional relationship!

This phone is deaf!

It's probably scared of you, cos it found out you smashed your last phone

by jumping up and down on it.

I'm surprised they let you have another one after that.

-Well, Dad lied to them.

-Not a lie, exactly.

Just a white lie.

It was carried off by a raven?!

OK. I panicked.

I was aiming for something where they think no-one could have made that up.

Hang on. I was sitting there.

Well, I'm sitting here now, so tough.

BOTH STRAIN AND GROAN

Dad, can I use the computer to do my cyber-bullying homework?

Eh? What happened to good old-fashioned bullying?

It's a lost art!

Does nobody have their head stuffed down the toilet any more?

Well, they do it virtually

because they get a picture of someone with their head down the toilet

-and they Photoshop the face...

-Yeah.

..they animate it and then they upload it to YouTube.

-BOTH GROAN

-Here, mind my tea!

You're going to knock over your Zimmer frame!

The biggest muscles you have got are in...your...hair!

The old silverback is ejected from the family group.

I'll take you on next.

STRAINING AND GRUNTING

I could snap you in half like a twig!

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Don't stop the mindless violence for me!

-How's Grandad?

-Oh, he's still very poorly, darling.

Did he recognise you?

Well, yeah, but as someone who worked in a bar in Korea.

Obviously, they were very close.

-And is he still, er, in danger?

-Could go either way, they say.

-I'll put the kettle on.

-Thanks.

-I was right to ring Angela, wasn't I?

-You had to.

And we've got to have that big talk with her anyway.

Oh, I'm looking forward to that(!)

Oh, God, Auntie Angela's coming?

I wonder what strange bloke she'll have in tow this time!

We had the psychotic psychiatrist, the secretly gay Mexican lumberjack

and the delusional, stone-balancing accountant.

Oh, and there was that one who was really weird!

-She's got religion now.

-I thought she did religion?

You know, in between being a Maoist and a fruitarian.

Yeah, well, that was just Buddhism. That doesn't count.

She just chanted and shopped in Monsoon.

Where's Ben?

Spartacus "the musical". It's the dress rehearsal tonight.

He's been practising nonstop. I just hope he hasn't wrecked his voice.

How?! He sounds like a sea lion stuck down a mine shaft.

-Hey, just...

-Hi, Sue!

-I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

-Stacey!

Hello!

Yeah, Stacey's come back for a couple of days before she flies to Greece.

How lovely!

At least there's some good news!

So, you chose Greece?

Yep. There's got to be some bargains there since the economy tanked.

Make them an offer on the Acropolis!

It's a hill with a temple on it.

In Athens, which is in Greece.

Oh! Cool. Right, I'm just going to go depilate.

-Has she never heard of a hotel?!

-There's quite a lot of things she's never heard of.

My favourites are the Vietnam War, typewriters...and Norway.

I'm sorry, Sue, she is my goddaughter, I couldn't turn her away.

Yeah. And Ben'll slip back into his testosterone coma.

-I'll get that tea.

-I've made it already.

It's by the kettle.

Thanks.

-Karen's being really nice to me.

-Well, to everyone.

I think maybe the penny's dropped since she had that talk with the headmistress.

An adult she respects. How long is it since we've had one of those?

Father Christmas?

Actually, didn't she call him "fatso in a red dress" when she got the wrong bear?

Oh, yeah.

Be a shame if she lost her essential Karen-ness.

I know I shouldn't say this,

but I think we may have finally got to a point where they're all, you know, OK.

-Yeah.

-Are you OK?

I'm all right. I held Dad's hand and had a bit of a blub.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's best if he doesn't pull through.

I wouldn't want for him to get like some of that lot in the home.

Oh, God. One day it'll be our kids having a conversation like this about us!

No, they'll have packed us off to that place in Switzerland long before that.

I've got my place back on the sofa, sucker!

Jake, you've got a text from Alex!

OK! Don't look at it!

Yes!

You think you're so funny.

-Karen, why aren't you in bed?

-Because I'm in the kitchen.

SHE SIGHS

I think her Karen-ness is still intact.

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

-Ooh!

Ben, the front door is not your enemy!

-How was the dress?!

-BEN: Terrible.

Well, that's probably...

I've just let Auntie Angela in. And a man. I'm going straight to bed.

(Angela.)

-Hi.

-Angela.

-Hi.

-You're here.

I landed three hours ago and rushed straight to the care home,

which I have just come from,

-and where dad is fine.

-Fine?!

He's seriously ill.

He was watching the boxing.

He's watching the boxing?! Are you sure?

Well, the boxing was on the television, and he was watching it.

-Well, that's great.

-Yes, it is great!

Though, from your phone call, I wasn't sure I'd even get here in time.

But, still, that's a relief, isn't it?

Yes, a relief. And a surprise.

Well, I was at the care home, er, three or four hours ago, and...and, honestly,

he was seriously ill. "Could go either way," they said.

You brought suitcases, I see.

I rushed straight here, Pete.

I left halfway through an exorcism. I didn't have time to book a hotel.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Hello, Auntie Angela. How are you?

I'm... I'm...fine.

Thank you, Karen.

Could you put me through to the Nixon ward, please?

This is Tommy.

-Tommy?

-He came over to support me.

Because I expected a situation serious enough to need support.

Yeah. Hi, yes...

You've got a really cool home.

-Thank you.

-I have a hamster called Tommy.

But he's stuck under the floorboards, and Dad won't take them up.

Karen, it's two-and-a-half months since he did a runner.

What would he have lived off since then?

The hamster food that I pushed through the floorboards.

Well, that would explain the smell. I thought that was Tommy.

Yeah.

No, not, not you.

Sorry, I didn't mean you, I meant...

Look, I have come 7,000 miles!

Perhaps we could stop discussing hamsters!

Right. So, the antibiotics they've given him have kicked in

and he's taken a sudden turn for the better.

Well, I know.

Cos I've just come from there. As I just informed you.

Well.

Here we are again.

Anyone like a cup of tea?

Auntie Angela?

-You're offering me tea?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

-Biscuits?

Yes.

OK.

-What was all that about?

-Sorry?

Well, she's being nice to me. It's unnerving.

It's a phase she's going through. She...

It's a good phase.

She's a great kid.

And your dad, Sue, must've been a great guy.

He still is.

I don't know why he's in that hideous home.

with all those old people, being old

with their old-people smell and...elasticated trousers.

Don't suppose he knew who you were, did he?

-No, actually, he did.

-Really?

-He held my hand.

-He'll hold anybody's hand!

Cleaners have complained.

He smiled and whispered, "Ange."

Here we are. Nice cup of tea.

Thank you.

Are you sure he said "Ange"?

Sure he didn't say "ungh"?

It was Ange.

Cos he makes the "ungh" noise quite a lot.

He said Ange, didn't he? Yeah.

Yeah, he did say...

..what she said.

Recognises me as well. Totally.

-Did he say your name?

-Says my name all the time.

So, he recognises everyone! That's just...

splendid.

There is something else that we do need to talk about.

-Hiya.

-Um, this is my goddaughter. Stacey,

this is Angela and Tommy.

Stacey's staying with us until she heads off to Greece very soon.

Travelling the world, eh? Yeah.

Oh, God, Sue, do you remember just before you went to uni,

and I took you off to the Greek islands and we lived on retsina

and slept on the beach under the stars.

Well, I slept on the beach under the stars.

You slept in a taverna with that Greek waiter you'd met.

Oh! Hercules! The one who had the brother who liked you!

Yeah!

The obese, 50-year-old, one-legged, epileptic brother!

Chased me all over the island.

Well, he tried to.

Sisters, eh?! Oh, you can't beat them.

No. But you can kick them.

Probably, we should just all head up to bed.

OK. Just for tonight, Stacey, you'll have to go in with Karen.

OK.

Jake can go in with Ben, and Angela and Tommy, you can go in Jake's room,

assuming, that is, you'd like to share a room.

And why wouldn't we?

Well, I don't know the nature of your relationship.

Is this to do with our difference in age?

No, not at all.

So, I shall put you in the same room.

Tommy's born-again, like me.

We met at Sunday school.

-Was he still at Sunday school?

-Probably an adult Sunday school.

SLAMS DOWN HER MUG

Yeah. We'll head up... DOOR SLAMS

..to your upstairs,

which I'm sure is as great as your downstairs.

Well, that could have gone worse!

She doesn't appear to be wanted by Interpol.

There hasn't been any physical violence yet.

Do you think she came over purely to show off her Stepford toy boy?

I don't know.

So, how long do you think this relationship will last? Ooh!

'I do not understand your question.'

I haven't got the hang of this yet.

I can hear a hamster-y noise in the wall.

There's no such thing as a hamster-y noise.

-You should check it out.

-Thank you, Karen.

Well, I'll just rip out the fitted kitchen, shall I, in the search for dead,

domesticated vermin?

You shouldn't talk to her like that.

-It is OK, it's what he does.

-Look, Karen,

I'm sorry, but he's gone.

Hiya!

Hi. How was your dad this morning?

Yeah, yeah, a lot better. Sitting up. Eating.

Did you mention to the staff about the Britain's Got Talent thing?

Britain's Got Talent?

Why he confuses Amanda Holden with Eva Braun, I have absolutely no idea,

but it is safer to keep him out of the TV room on a Saturday night.

-Where's everyone else?

-All still asleep.

Teenagers, eh?

I wasn't including Tommy in that, by the way!

Just Ben, Jake and Stacey.

Tommy's obviously not even close to being a teenager.

You can't help yourself, can you? CUTLERY CLATTERS

Look, for the sake of your dad,

it is very important that you don't get into a...confrontation.

You were worse than me last time!

-The time before?

-Oh, not that again?!

Honestly, you kick your sister up the arse at a wedding once,

and no-one lets you forget it.

What?

Well, I thought I heard scratching above the oven.

That's autosuggestion. He's not there.

Hello, star.

-I'm not playing Spartacus tonight.

-What?

The dress rehearsal was awful.

Well, it can't have been that bad.

I walked across the sea, I poked the pianist in the eye with the trident

and I fell off the cross. I'm not doing it.

Ben!

Ben.

Ben, look, it is perfectly natural to be nervous before a big show like this,

but you know what they say?

Once you've fallen off the horse, you have to get straight back on.

-How did you know I fell off a horse?

-You fell off a horse?

Yeah! Zach and Ibrahim, they were having a fight inside the costume.

-Well, look, anyway...

-How did the dress rehearsal go, Ben?

-Yeah, great.

-Oh, fantastic.

You're going to be fab!

But I need to go and google Greece some more.

Did you know they invented civilisation?

Hats off to the Greeks, eh!

Listen, you are the lead. You can't...

I'm not doing it!

-Have you seen my phone?

-No. Angela, listen,

there is a serious problem with Dad and the home.

-All his savings have run out.

-They can't all have gone.

Hey, guys.

And as we're quite stretched,

what we'd like to suggest is that we go half-and-half.

Oh. Now I see.

That's why you tricked me into coming over.

No, we didn't!

But surely if his money's run out, the Government will pay.

They've got to do that.

Well, possibly, but then we'd have to move him

out of the place he's in and into a cheaper home and that...

Look, I care about him as much as you.

But what difference does it make where he lives, if he doesn't know who anybody is?!

Well, he does, because he called you Ange.

Yeah, but...

That's not very helpful at the moment. The point is...

I don't know why you put him in there in the first place. It's depressing.

-Full of all those old people.

-It's an old people's home.

You can't have an old people's home without old people.

- It's creepy. - It was kind of creepy.

Look, the point is...

So, Pete, I think we're just going to have to

trust in the mercy of the Lord on this one.

I don't think the home will accept that as collateral!

You know, what's great is that you guys are all talking.

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

-Oh, great!

-Now she's gone out.

-No, that was Ben.

He's having a meltdown. He's gone for a walk.

He's probably exaggerating. He couldn't have been that bad.

No, he was. I've been on Facebook.

But people like these little mistakes in a school production!

Mum, when the Romans asked, "Which one of you is Spartacus?"

all the other gladiators just pointed at him.

Can you change the channel, please?

The guy with the vegetable nose is freaking me out.

That's Bob The Builder

-and Spud's supposed to have a carrot nose, because he's a scarecrow.

-Bob!

I don't know why they even show people with vegetable noses on TV.

It is not natural. Can you change the channel, please?

Bob.

-Angela, I know you're hiding in there.

-I have very little, Sue.

I'm like a gypsy just wandering from place to place.

You've got all this stuff.

-A big house.

-A big second mortgage.

Come on, Angela.

50-50.

You know you were always his favourite.

Look, Sue!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, Jesus, Sue!

There's a rat in your bathroom! It came up at the hole behind the toilet!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Are you sure it wasn't a hamster?

Well, it didn't have its bloody wheel!

I forgot my keys.

Are you OK?

Ben.

I have heard you rehearse all the songs

and you are really good!

Mr Wilson, four doors down, he said you have a very distinctive voice.

I know all the lines and it's just when I try and say them, my brain just stops

like a frozen laptop and I can't just turn myself off and on again.

Well...

Everyone I know is going to be there -

you, Stacey. The school magazine is going to write a review on it.

You mustn't worry about the critics.

Every interview you read with an actor before a brilliant performance,

they're always worried that they're going to get crucified.

Well, I am going to get crucified.

If I don't fall off the cross again. I'm not going to do this.

Well, that's a big decision, and it's your decision.

But you need to tell Mr Farthingwell.

Can you ring him for me?

No. You have to ring him.

Are you all right, Auntie?

I've got to get out of this rat-infested house.

Your mum and dad, well, they just keep having a go at me.

I think they're right about Grandad and the money for the home.

Oh, Jake, you're turning into them.

God, you really do need to get away.

Travel the world.

Work as a cowboy. Swim the Bosphorus.

Have your heart broken by a knife-thrower's assistant.

Yeah, that does all sound quite dangerous.

Where are you going on your gap year?

Um... Well, I'm not.

Is this them stopping you?

No, only because Mum thought I shouldn't...

- Right. - No. Auntie...!

I'm sorry, I just can't, Mr Farthingwell.

She's just going to keep running away.

What in God's name are we going to do now?

'I do not understand the question.'

You are a menace with that thing!

-You've got to let Jake go on a gap year.

-What?

-Why are we suddenly talking about this?

-Let him live!

I never said that you'd stopped me going.

Travel is the best degree you can get.

Well, to employers, it's the equivalent of sociology at Bolton.

Oh, your world is so tiny.

Everyone should have a gap year!

Your whole life is a gap year!

You see, Jake, you've got to escape these mediocrities.

They're not mediocre. They're...

ordinary.

Thank you. I think?

Look, we...

-I spoke to Mr Farthingwell.

-Yeah?

I said I'd do it, as long as I don't have to be washed by the handmaidens.

Oh, that is brilliant!

Well done, Ben, you will be brilliant tonight.

I've been sick.

Well, that's perfectly normal. Loads of performers do that before a show.

In the fireplace.

Right, well, don't worry,

-I'll clear that up.

-And at the bottom of the stairs.

OK. That's fine.

Look, we have to sort out about Dad.

-I simply don't have the money.

-You do have the money.

You flew here club class, Jake found the ticket stubs.

We were upgraded from premium economy. And now we have to be on our way.

Angela, you can't keep running away.

You have a responsibility to your family.

Why? Why do we have responsibilities to our families?

Cos they're...there.

Families are just like strangers you get stuck in a lift with.

Dad, it might be Tommy. I can hear scratching.

-Hey, guys.

-We need to pack.

We're going to the airport.

Oh, you know what, Angie? I might stay in Europe,

-do a bit of travelling.

-Travelling?

Yeah.

Are you cool with that?

Well, yes. Obviously.

Travel is the best degree you can get.

That's so true.

Um, where were you thinking of going travelling?

Oh, around Greece, maybe.

-The same as Stacey?

-Yeah. Yeah,

I'm just going to take a look around Europe, you know.

See the Parthenon, the pyramids.

The pyramids aren't in Europe. They're in Africa.

Oh, Stacey said they were.

JAKE: I can see it.

-Are you sure you're cool with this?

-Absolutely!

Very cool indeed.

Totally chilled.

Perhaps we could discuss this upstairs while I pack.

Aw, I'm good here.

Well, I'll be... It is Tommy!

-It is what?

-Tommy.

-Yeah?

-Really doesn't matter.

Angela, you can't just walk away!

It's not fair, you ambushing me like this!

Well, it's not fair Dad's in a home!

It's not fair he doesn't know who I am! It's not fair he's stopped being him!

What is fair about any of it?!

'Do you want me to look up Faro boat trips?'

Could you stop leaning on that effing button?!

Ange...

Listen, I am not wired for all of these petty practicalities.

If he's ill again, don't call me, it doesn't help him.

Just let me know when it's...

..when it's all over.

Tommy, I could always take you to see the pyramids.

Yeah, thanks, but I...

I kind of need to do some stuff on my own.

Yes, of course.

No problem.

-Get him?

-Oh...

We caught Tommy.

So we can do nothing about my dad...

..but we do have a hamster.

Way to go, team.

Have you caught him?

Oh, you've caught him! Oh, hi!

Aw, thank you so much, Dad!

Aw! Thanks, Jake.

Oh, Sue, are you feeling left out? Do you want a hug?

No, you don't, do you?

-Front row?

-Yeah.

Otherwise we won't be able to see anything

when they all start holding their bloody phones up in the air.

Sorry about earlier, by the way.

Stacey's Australian, she's used to swearing.

And the threat you made wasn't really a threat

because you posed it as a question.

A rhetorical question, in fact,

because she wouldn't have wanted you to do what you said.

Sod the lot of them! I'm...

Do you know what? I'm just going to sit here

and I'm going to enjoy watching my son.

-Um...

-What?

Well, the word is, Ben's chickened out again.

-BOTH: Oh...

-But he spoke to Mr Farthingwell.

Apparently, some kid's going to play Spartacus holding a script.

Oh, God, no!

Where's Karen?

Oh, there you are.

I'm scared.

But you like being scared.

You're the boy who eats cheese just before bed to give himself nightmares.

Yeah, but those nightmares are in my head.

Not in front of 300 people and a lady mayoress.

-Is she the one with the bling?

-Yeah.

Well, you can't wuss out.

You know I'll just keep bringing it up in arguments.

You're making it too easy for me.

Well, Spartacus, I think you should do it.

-Why?

-Because you'll be good.

Have you ever said anything nice to me before?

No.

I don't think I have.

Better try and find Ben.

What next?

A plague of locusts? Frogs raining down?

What's this?

Auntie Angela said to give it to you.

Once she was airborne.

It's a cheque.

Bloody hell!

God, that's going to keep Dad going for ages. But...

I had a word with her. I've set her straight.

-Why has she done this?

-Well, she's paying us off

so she doesn't have to see him again and be reminded that she's next in line.

Did she say that?

No, but I am doing A-level psychology.

How?

Ladies and gentlemen, I just need to make an announcement about a late change.

This is it.

The sea battle now involves strobe lighting,

so, um,

please be aware if you're prone to fits.

Also, anyone with a fear of crocodiles

should probably miss the start of part two. Enjoy the show.

BUGLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

BOYS: Behold, Spartacus.

It's stuck.

-Push it!

-I am pushing!

GROANING

Who will pay to see me fight? APPLAUSE

I told him Stacey would be horribly disappointed if he didn't go on.

-She's not coming now.

-He doesn't know that.

Sorry.

Well, that's the answer to our problems.

Just let the kids sort everything out.

ALL: Who will pay to see him fight?

CHEERING

GROANING

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

GROANING

CHEERING Go on! Do it!

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no. Vesuvius has erupted!

Run for your lives!

Calm down! It's only a volcano!

Sorry.

What about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now?

WOLF WHISTLING AND WHOOPING

APPLAUSE

# No, I'm not a liar

# We'll beat you like Hannibal Your legions are tired

# And your warships are rammable

# We're not for hire and we're just not bannable

# Our hearts are on fire And your houses are flammable

ALL: # So listen up

# Don't make a fuss

# And know his name is Spartacus. #

APPLAUSE

Which of you is Spartacus?

I am Spartacus.

No, I'm Spartacus.

No, I am Spartacus. No, sorry.

# OK, we lost, but we invented liberty

# OK, there's a cost but one day you'll all be free

# Then you won't be bossed

# Just wait and you will see

# Sunrays melt the frost

# The rulers will be you and me

# We're the question

# We're the answer

# We're the music

# We're the dancer

# We're the earth, the sky, the sea

# We're something new

# We're liberty

# Black or white

# Yellow, brown

# Gay, straight or in between

# Rich, poor, from field or town

# Old or young, or just a teen

# No-one will be a slave

# No-one will make a fuss

# Freedom is born today, today

# Let's thank him, Spartacus

# Let's thank him, Spartacus. #

Thank him, Spartacus!

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE More!

More!

Yes!

CHEERING

More!

More!

# OK, we lost

# But we invented liberty

# OK, there's a cost

# But one day you'll all be free

# Then you won't be bossed

# Just you wait and you will see Sunrays melt the frost

# The rulers will be you and me

# Freedom is born today

# Today

# Let's thank him, Spartacus. #

Thank him, Spartacus!