Freddy Spaghetti Parks and Recreation


Freddy Spaghetti

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Transcript


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Ron!

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Hello, Andy.

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It's quiet in here. Where is everyone?

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The government is shut down. It's in every newspaper.

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-How long is it going to last?

-If we're lucky,

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this building will be empty for months.

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Wow. That is really bad timing.

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I just got this super sweet-ass rad crotch-rocket.

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I've always wanted one of these.

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But due to, you know, never having a job,

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I couldn't afford it until now.

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Got a really good deal on my lease.

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Paying 12% interest.

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It's, like, one of the highest you can get.

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I've been trying like crazy to get a hold of April.

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If you see her, will you tell her I really need to talk to her?

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-You got it.

-All right. Thanks, Ron.

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Uh-oh!

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Nailed it.

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All I can tell you

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is that all the parks are closed until further notice.

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Look, no-one is more upset about this than I am.

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Not like it's a competition or anything.

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If it was, I would win. But that's neither here nor there.

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-The point is I would win.

-How long will they be closed?

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-Could be for ever.

-With the government shut down,

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who is going to stop Al-Qaeda?

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One thing at a time.

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School is out in two weeks.

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What am I going to do with my kids all day?

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Keep them in my house? Where I live?

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I don't know what to tell you.

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What about the kids' concert tomorrow at Ramsett Park?

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The Freddy Spaghetti concert.

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Freddy Spaghetti has been cancelled.

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GROANING

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RON CHUCKLES

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Well, sit down and tell me exactly what has happened.

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Every year, we kick off the summer

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with a children's concert series.

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And this year, the concert has been cancelled due to the shutdown.

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It's terrible, and we need to fix it.

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All right. Great.

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I'm very glad that you agree with me,

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but I worked hard on my argument.

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Is there any way I can still kind of... Yeah?

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-I'd love to hear it.

-Oh, good. Thank you.

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You're wrong. Are you crazy? Can you put a price tag on a child's smile?

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Leslie Knope. What a surprise.

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The government has been shut for two days,

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and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me.

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Can you guess who?

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Ben? There was a big concert. Now, there's not.

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Isn't there anything that we can do about that?

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-No, there isn't.

-That's too bad.

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Sorry, Leslie. Damn!

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I have to go run ten miles.

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'I have run ten miles a day, every day, for 18 years.'

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That's 65,000 miles.

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A third of the way to the moon.

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My goal is to run to the moon.

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Ben, let's talk solutions.

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Leslie, Pawnee is broke.

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There's no money for a concert. OK?

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I mean, Idaho cut their Parks Department by 80%,

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and Idaho is basically one giant park.

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I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Ben.

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-Pawnee is better than Idaho.

-No, Pawnee is not special. OK?

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Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority.

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Frankly, you're not even supposed to be in the building, Leslie.

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-You're non-essential.

-That is not your call.

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I know, it's on your badge.

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This? This isn't me.

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Ann Perkins.

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Chris something.

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Hi. I was just doing my daily lunchtime ten miles

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and I ran by the hospital, and I thought I'd pop up and say hi.

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Did you just start your run?

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-No, I'm already at mile nine.

-But you're not sweating at all.

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I know. I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute.

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The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

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I'd love to go out on a date with you.

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I think you might find me attractive because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met.

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No pressure, but I do have tonight open.

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-I am so sorry. I'm really busy right now.

-No problem.

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I will try again soon. Ann Perkins.

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That's the guy who likes you, that you're not into.

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Yeah.

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And which part of him are you not looking at?

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Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship,

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I'm a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things.

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So I need to stay away from Chris.

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I can't stand this government shutdown.

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I can't stand this budget crisis.

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But what I can't stand is they're cancelling Freddy Spaghetti.

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You know everything. What should I do about this?

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Why don't you see a movie or go shopping?

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Wait a minute. What are you doing? What's happening?

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You know, they offered me a buyout, and I took it.

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And so now I work for Norton Construction.

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Sorry. I know I shouldn't have done that.

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-It's OK.

-How could you quit?

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You know, not everyone has your enthusiasm for this work.

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I guess I've been mispronouncing your name all these years.

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Mark Brendana-quitz.

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Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job.

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But I felt like I needed a sign.

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And then Ann broke up with me the week that I was going to propose,

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the government got shut down,

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-and yesterday one of those pigeons took a

-BLEEP

-on me.

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And I was indoors. So...

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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What are you doing here?

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Hey, sorry. I need your help. Is this a bad time?

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Lucy is here. I'm in my sexy pyjamas.

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I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity.

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-Yes, it is a bad time.

-You're about to have sex.

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Why else would Boyz II Men's On Bended Knee be playing right now?

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OK. I just want to give you a little advice,

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which is don't make it last really long.

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-Ladies don't like that.

-OK. Great.

-OK?

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Wait. Just one more thing.

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Are you using protection?

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You know what? I'm just going to stay away from all guys right now.

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Yeah. Less man-time, more Ann-time.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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The only guy that I care about right now

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is six feet tall with wild, crazy hair

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and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun.

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Freddy Spaghetti.

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Children's concerts aren't a priority these days.

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You know what is? Sewage.

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Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes.

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I don't know. I mean, what are you going to do?

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-That's the way it is.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

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If all the parks are closed,

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why not just have the concert in the lot behind my house?

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Ann, you devious bastard.

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# Well, the cow goes "moo" and the pig goes "oink"... #

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I've spent the last three hours coming up with a plan.

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I sent up the Bat-Signal for all the people in the Parks Department to join us.

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I told them to be here by eight.

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Do you think anybody is going to show up?

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A, yes. B, even if they don't,

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we'll just put the concert on ourselves.

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But C, yes. Yes, they're definitely going to show up.

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Although, D, maybe not.

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I think that you need to prepare for the eventuality that no-one...

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-Hello? Hello?

-God bless you, Jerry Gergich!

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Wow. I never thought I'd hear those words from you.

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-Hey.

-April is here. Move, Jerry.

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April. I didn't think you were going to help.

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I still might not.

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Jerry, how do you feel about lifting heavy things?

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My doctor just said I should avoid...

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Being a wuss? Yes, I agree.

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So, go out there and get the equipment out of the truck.

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With current and projected deficits,

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we need to cut expenditures by 32%.

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-Let's make it an even 40.

-That's not necessary.

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Slash it. Slash it.

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I am an official member of a task force

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dedicated to slashing the city budget.

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Just saying that gave me a semi.

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Right off the bat, we sell City Hall.

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Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a T.J. Maxx.

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Ron, that is a very creative idea.

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But we don't want to sell any of our major assets.

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We don't want to lose out on any future revenue streams.

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I hear that. Don't worry. I have tons more ideas.

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OK, uh...

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"GUNSHOT"

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So sorry. New ring tone.

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-Don't cut anything without me.

-"GUNSHOT"

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Leslie?

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'I don't care if you hate what we do.'

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I love it enough for both of us.

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We're going to put on the Freddy Spaghetti concert today,

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-five o'clock, on Lot 48.

-You can't do that.

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'Watch me. We're going to do this, Ron. With or without you.'

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Hammering away.

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Crank it. Hit it. Needs 16 minutes for premium bounce.

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After this, can you go pick up Freddy Spaghetti in your Mercedes?

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We need to give him the star treatment.

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Hey. Sorry we're late.

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I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.

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-Hi. I'm Lucy.

-Hi.

-Hey.

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We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning.

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What were we doing in-between? Sex stuff.

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-You guys know Tom well, so I don't have to apologise for his behaviour, right?

-Right.

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The craziest thing is it's super loud.

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I was on it for five minutes and I can't really hear anything. Am I talking loud right now?

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-Yeah.

-April! Hey! Excuse me.

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I called you a gajillion times. Why didn't you call me back?

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I'm so sorry. I was too busy not wanting to talk to you.

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-Huh?

-Jerry, what are you doing?

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-Leslie asked me to post these around the neighbourhood.

-I'll do it.

-Really? Wow.

-Yes.

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You want some help with that?

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OK, let's talk about Parks and Rec.

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This one is a little complicated.

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I know what will loosen up our brains. Massage train.

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I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage.

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I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.

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And thanks to Ron, the services budget

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has already been cut significantly.

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So, seems like the best option is job cuts.

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Starting with Leslie Knope.

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No, no, no, no, no.

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If you fire Leslie, you might as well just get rid of the department.

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I know how valuable she is, believe me.

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But we've run out of options.

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There are plenty of other options.

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For example, sell the zoo animals.

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OK. To whom?

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Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants?

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I'm just spit-balling here.

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OK, let's switch it up.

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She makes the second-highest salary in the department.

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It will go a long way.

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I'm telling you. It's just not an option.

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-Ron, focus up, buddy.

-Just give me a sec.

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Will you just stop and listen to me?

0:09:340:09:36

-No.

-Fine. I don't want to talk to you, anyways.

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Reverse psychiatry.

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Fine. What?

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I like you.

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In a, you know,

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romantical kind of way.

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-You do?

-Yes.

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Do you...

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-..like me?

-Yes.

-Ha!

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So, then, perhaps... shall we go out this evening?

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No.

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I don't think we should see each other.

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Damn it. Because you're 21 and I'm 29?

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No. I don't care about that.

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It's because whenever I see you talk to Ann or talk about Ann,

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I feel like you still have feelings for her.

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What? No, I don't. But I don't.

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Really, I don't.

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Well, I think you do. So... That's a problem for me.

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Because of my libertarian beliefs, Leslie does 95% of the work.

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So you should lay me off.

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I'd be proud to be a casualty in this righteous war.

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It's because of your beliefs that we need to keep you.

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You would maintain fiscal responsibility after we're gone.

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-I strenuously object.

-OK. Well, Ron, we're moving on.

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Every department is losing a Leslie Knope.

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No, Ben, they are not.

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No other department has one to begin with.

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Right now, she's single-handedly

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putting up some lousy concert for this city's kids.

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She's doing what?

0:11:080:11:10

Could someone else massage my shoulders?

0:11:100:11:13

Wow. Looking good.

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Yeah. I mean, I wish we had built one of those elevators

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that comes up from under the stage, you know?

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-They're coming!

-Like a rock arena kind of thing?

-They're coming!

0:11:180:11:21

-What?

-They're coming.

-What's up? What?

-Who? The Russians?

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No, the state auditors.

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I accidentally told them what you were doing

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in an attempt to save some government jobs.

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-It's been a very strange day for me.

-OK. Everybody be cool.

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-Hey!

-Hey!

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Hey!

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All right. Everybody! Everybody! Hey. Ann Perkins. Hi.

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-Hi.

-Everyone. You are all super amazing.

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You are what makes Pawnee great,

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and I just want to tell you that I am

0:11:450:11:47

totally supportive of your inspiring efforts here today!

0:11:470:11:50

All right. Yeah.

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Now, my partner Ben wants to say something.

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Yeah, we're shutting this down.

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-What?

-Damn! That's terrible news!

0:11:560:11:58

Surely there has to be a solution, Ben.

0:11:580:12:00

-No.

-Ben says no. I'm sorry, everyone.

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The concert is cancelled, everybody.

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No. Here's the thing, Ben. It's not cancelled.

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We're putting it on. OK? Because the stage is already built.

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Everything was donated for free by local vendors.

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Everyone here believes that what we're doing is essential.

0:12:110:12:14

Freddy Spaghetti will sing.

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Actually, Leslie, I just found out.

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Freddy Spaghetti ain't coming.

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Freddy Spaghetti may not sing.

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But something much cooler is going to happen.

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I think. Ann?

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-OK.

-Good job. You should hydrate.

0:12:340:12:37

When we cancelled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton.

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At a library.

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That's literally the worst place I can imagine.

0:12:440:12:46

OK. Guys? We're not giving up on this.

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He's not the only musician in town.

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-Andy.

-I don't know, Leslie. I don't feel like playing right now.

0:12:500:12:53

-Andy, please, please, please.

-I don't even have children's songs.

0:12:530:12:56

My last song I wrote was called Sex Hair.

0:12:560:12:57

Well, just take the word "sex" and change it to "pickle."

0:12:570:13:01

Pickle?

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# You've got pickle hair, baby And you got it from me... #

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-Yeah.

-Still sounds like it's about sex.

0:13:070:13:09

I'm in. I've got to grab my guitar from my house. I'll be back shortly! Yeah!

0:13:090:13:12

See, guys? We have a solution.

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And the good news is there's always a solution

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if your motives are pure and your cause is just.

0:13:160:13:18

There's nothing...

0:13:180:13:20

Ow! My arm!

0:13:200:13:22

You have two broken bones in your right arm and four in your hand.

0:13:240:13:28

-That's the side that hurts.

-How soon until he's better?

0:13:280:13:31

We'll set the fractures, and I'd like to keep him overnight for observation.

0:13:310:13:34

Is there any chance you can fix me in the next ten minutes?

0:13:340:13:37

Sure, I'll just advance medical science 30 years.

0:13:370:13:40

-Great.

-Can Mouse Rat play without you?

0:13:400:13:42

They tried once. They're called Rat Mouse, and they're awful.

0:13:420:13:46

But you have got to find somebody.

0:13:460:13:49

There's an old saying in show business. "The show must go wrong."

0:13:490:13:52

Everything always goes wrong and you just have to deal with it.

0:13:520:13:56

Hello, Pawnee. I'm Renata Ricotta.

0:14:020:14:07

Freddy Spaghetti couldn't make it today.

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He bumped his noodle.

0:14:100:14:11

There was sauce everywhere. It was just streaming out of his face.

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It was really scary.

0:14:180:14:20

All right.

0:14:200:14:22

# If you're happy and you know it Clap your hands

0:14:220:14:27

# If you're happy and you know it...

0:14:300:14:31

# Clap your hands... #

0:14:310:14:33

CHEERING

0:14:330:14:35

Hey, kids! It's me, Freddy Spaghetti!

0:14:350:14:37

Hey, I thought you were playing in Eagleton.

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All I know is this guy showed up and made me a much better offer.

0:14:410:14:44

I am all about the money, babe.

0:14:440:14:47

# She cooked an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie

0:14:470:14:51

# Yellow polka dot linguine

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# That she made for the first time that day... #

0:14:530:14:56

-Thank you very much.

-Ron Corleone.

0:14:560:14:59

This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.

0:14:590:15:02

-Hello, Lucy.

-Hi.

-Whoa!

0:15:020:15:05

-Impressive handshake.

-Thanks.

0:15:050:15:07

My father told me a limp handshake was for weak men and communists.

0:15:070:15:10

-He hated both.

-Well done, Tommy.

0:15:100:15:12

Is that bacon on your turkey leg?

0:15:120:15:15

They call it a Swanson.

0:15:150:15:16

Wow.

0:15:190:15:20

I brought you your favourite. Every colour of Jell-O.

0:15:200:15:26

The Jell-O rainbow.

0:15:260:15:29

Thank you.

0:15:290:15:30

Injured Andy. It's kind of like old times, huh?

0:15:300:15:34

-Yeah.

-I almost expect you to call me A-Cakes.

0:15:340:15:37

A-Cakes.

0:15:390:15:41

Well, I'm glad you're OK.

0:15:410:15:43

Oh, my God. I'm...

0:15:500:15:52

Ohh.

0:15:520:15:53

I'm so sorry. I should not...

0:15:530:15:57

I'm sorry. That was not...

0:15:570:15:59

# Spaghetti

0:16:050:16:06

# Spaghetti

0:16:060:16:07

# Fusilli

0:16:070:16:08

# Fusilli

0:16:080:16:09

-# Egg noodles

-Egg noodles... #

0:16:090:16:11

Why did you do this?

0:16:110:16:13

Well, I'm not a monster. I want the kids to have their concert.

0:16:130:16:16

Mean Ben has a soft spot.

0:16:160:16:18

-Is that what you guys call me?

-No.

-Mean Ben?

-No, no, no.

0:16:180:16:21

Look, this is really great today,

0:16:230:16:26

but there's going to be a lot of pain ahead, Leslie.

0:16:260:16:28

-We have to cut 32% of the...

-Just... Can you just stop it?

0:16:280:16:32

OK? Just for one moment

0:16:320:16:34

enjoy the fact that you provided a service for people, not a cut.

0:16:340:16:39

A service. And they love it.

0:16:390:16:40

-# Macaroni

-Macaroni... #

0:16:400:16:42

The biggest service was getting you to stop singing.

0:16:420:16:44

-# Linguine

-Tetrazzini

0:16:440:16:47

# Tetrazzini... #

0:16:470:16:48

-Hey.

-April.

0:16:500:16:51

I just heard. Are you OK?

0:16:510:16:54

-Yeah.

-Oh, my God.

0:16:540:16:56

Listen, what I said this afternoon was stupid.

0:16:570:17:01

OK? I totally want to go out with you.

0:17:010:17:04

Good. I want to be with you.

0:17:040:17:07

-That was nice.

-That... Yeah.

0:17:210:17:23

Here's just one thing, real quick.

0:17:250:17:26

I want to be totally honest with you, because I like you so much.

0:17:260:17:29

-OK.

-But two minutes ago, me and Ann did kiss.

0:17:290:17:33

-What?

-But here's... No, no, no, no.

0:17:330:17:35

It was crazy. She kissed me.

0:17:350:17:37

-OK, bye.

-Wait, where are you going?

0:17:370:17:39

-Bye.

-No, no, no, no, no! Hey!

0:17:390:17:41

-Bye.

-April. April!

-Bye!

0:17:410:17:43

Dude, don't even think about kissing me.

0:17:460:17:49

-What was your favourite song, Chelsea?

-Penne And The Jets.

0:17:490:17:52

-Me too!

-Thank you all so much.

0:17:520:17:55

With all the parks closed, we've been going crazy.

0:17:550:17:57

-It's our pleasure.

-Come on.

0:17:570:18:00

You guys are the best, most important people

0:18:010:18:03

in the most important government in the best city in the world.

0:18:030:18:06

Suck it, Paris, France.

0:18:060:18:09

Well, I would say see you tomorrow, but...

0:18:090:18:12

-Great job.

-Good work, Leslie.

0:18:120:18:14

-Bye.

-See you.

-Bye.

-See you soon, I hope.

0:18:140:18:17

I liked this a lot better when it was a pit.

0:18:300:18:33

Is that weird?

0:18:330:18:34

I'm sorry I called you Mark Brendana-quitz.

0:18:360:18:39

Don't ever apologise to me.

0:18:390:18:42

I'm serious. If everyone in government were like you

0:18:420:18:44

then I would probably still work there.

0:18:440:18:47

-I got you a going-away present.

-You did?

-Mm-hm.

0:18:470:18:51

Here. Red tape. So you'll never forget your roots.

0:18:510:18:55

-That's really nice of you.

-Yeah.

0:18:550:18:57

Well, I have something for you too.

0:18:570:18:59

You do?

0:18:590:19:01

I sort of threw together some plans for a future park.

0:19:010:19:05

I couldn't fit everything in that you wanted,

0:19:070:19:09

like the roller coaster or the shark tank.

0:19:090:19:11

But I think it's a pretty good start.

0:19:110:19:14

-Thank you.

-You're really welcome.

0:19:150:19:17

But, you know, Pawnee's bankrupt.

0:19:190:19:22

I doubt I'll get to build a park any time soon.

0:19:230:19:26

I wouldn't bet against you.

0:19:260:19:29

-See you around.

-Mm-hm.

0:19:340:19:35

-Morning.

-Hi, what are you doing here?

0:19:420:19:45

Ron made me the official Parks and Rec representative for the budget discussions.

0:19:450:19:50

-That's only supposed to be...

-Essential personnel?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:19:500:19:53

So, shall we get started? I have so many ideas.

0:19:530:19:56

Is this an autographed picture of Jamie Foxx?

0:19:590:20:01

There it is. Thank God.

0:20:010:20:04

So how long is this shutdown going to last?

0:20:040:20:06

No idea. I might have to get a temp job.

0:20:060:20:08

Maybe I should start working on my cologne line.

0:20:080:20:10

WHISTLING

0:20:100:20:12

Uh-oh. Check it out. Whenever Ron has sex,

0:20:120:20:16

the next morning, he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods.

0:20:160:20:20

-You all set?

-Oh, God.

0:20:200:20:23

What? Who is that?

0:20:230:20:24

That is my ex-wife.

0:20:240:20:27

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