Jerry's Painting Parks and Recreation


Jerry's Painting

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Good morning, Ben.

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-Oh. Sorry.

-Sorry.

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-Did I scare you?

-No.

-I just wanted to remind you

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of the art show that's happening tonight at the Community Centre.

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-Great.

-Yeah.

-Well, that sounds cool.

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That sounds like something that'll be a big success, you know?

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I mean, like everything that you, uh, that you put

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your... your paws on, your fingers.

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Leslie Knope! Ben Wyatt.

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Ben, great news. Do you remember the woman I told you about

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-from the County Commissioner's office?

-Um, vaguely.

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Sure you do. Cindy Miller. Anyway, she's agreed to go out on a date with you.

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Oh, you asked her out for me?

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And you're going to love her.

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She is interesting, smart, and beautiful, inside and out.

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Inner beauty is very important.

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And outer beauty is also very important.

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I thought you had a rule about inter-government relationships.

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Oh, don't worry. Her department is completely separate from ours.

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This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford.

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We weren't...you...you... Thank you.

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I love setting people up.

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Here's my secret.

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I determine someone's best qualities,

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and then I find someone else with compatible qualities.

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And I bring them together.

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Ugh. God, this sucks.

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Oh. Why don't you just go home for the rest of the day?

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I can't go home, cos I have this art-show opening

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at the Community Centre.

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And I can't stay here because I see Ben.

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And I can't date Ben because of Chris's stupid rules.

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-I feel so...

-Powerless.

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Yeah. I'm like that light bulb.

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Weak, flickering, barely giving off any light,

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unable to make out with the light bulb I want to make out with.

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You know what might make you feel better?

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-A hug?

-Paxil.

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-Do you want me to get you a prescription?

-Ugh.

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Hey, Tom, uh, question for you.

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Do you know anyone who's looking for a roommate?

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-How hot?

-I...what?

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How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay?

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-No, it's me. I'm looking.

-Oh, come on, that's not fair.

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-You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.

-I didn't.

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I've been staying at the Pawnee Supersuites Motel for seven months.

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It's a charming little inn

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with wonderfully random wake-up calls,

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delightfully unstable temperatures,

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and, as of yesterday, bedbugs.

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-"Four stars!"

-says nobody.

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This is awesomely perfect.

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Burly just moved in with his rich girlfriend,

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and we need help with the rent.

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-We have a couple house rules, though.

-Yeah, sure. Of course.

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You can't use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window.

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No personal phone conversations.

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If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal usted.

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And no electricity after 6pm.

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She's joking!

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-OK.

-You can use as much free electricity as you want. It's free.

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Couple more rules.

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If you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara

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so we can see whether or not you've been crying.

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There's no noise allowed on Mondays

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and no TV after breakfast.

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She is lying again.

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Cos it's hard to tell.

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No. We leave the TV on all day long

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so burglars think that we're home when we're not,

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which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.

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So you want to move in tonight?

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Yeah. Sure. That'd be great.

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-You want my gum?

-Mm-hmm.

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Ugh. Ron, can you make the opening remarks?

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I just... I'm not in the mood.

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Neither am I, ever.

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What's wrong with you? You live for this kind of stuff.

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I don't have it in me right now.

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Ron, please, do it for me.

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Make the speech. Ron. Please. Please.

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-Give the speech, Ron.

-No.

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-Yes. Please. Ron.

-No.

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Please. Please give the speech. Please give the speech.

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-No, I won't.

-Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes...

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-No way.

-Please. Please. Please.

-No.

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-Yes. Yes. Yes.

-All right! Damn it, woman.

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OK, everyone, shut up!

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And look at me!

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Welcome to Visions of Nature.

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This room has several paintings in it.

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Some are big. Some are small.

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People did them, and they are here now.

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I believe that after this is over,

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they'll be hung in government buildings.

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Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me.

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I also think it's pointless

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for a human to paint scenes of nature

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when they could just go outside and stand in it.

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Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact

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that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art

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and attempt to discuss it with me further.

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End of speech.

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Oh, my God.

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Oh, yeah, it's a mess.

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LOUD CRUNCH

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Could you throw that in the trash can?

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I was just here, like, three weeks ago for your wedding. What happened?

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Well, I always think April's going to clean up.

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-And I never clean up.

-It's cute, right?

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-No.

-Yes, it is.

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MARBLES ROLLING

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Are you guys frying marbles?

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We were checking to see if the fire alarm worked.

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It doesn't.

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So for my painting,

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I chose one of my very favourite Greek myths.

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The centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag.

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-It's, uh, stunning.

-It's breathtaking, Jerry.

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-Yeah. Really is.

-Wow. Thanks, guys.

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Hey, Leslie, you should really come over here and look

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-at Jerry's painting.

-Oh.

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Oh, my God.

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That's me. Is that me?

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What? No.

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-Oh, jeez, it does look like you.

-You're just realising that now?

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That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry.

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Topless Leslie glued to a horse.

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OK, Leslie, I am just so, so sorry.

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Dyaphena, she is this powerful goddess.

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And I've been thinking a lot about powerful women.

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And subconsciously, I painted you.

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I'm sorry. I'm going to take it right down.

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No. Leave it up.

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I love it.

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I don't know how to explain it.

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Every time I look at it, I just think to myself,

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"what can't that centaur woman do?"

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Besides ride an escalator and drive a car.

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Art can be so magnificent.

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Oh, my God. The baby is Tom.

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What?

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This is easily my favourite painting ever.

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What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly.

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I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared?

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All right, we got to take this down now.

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It isn't going anywhere, Tom. Hello, fellow lover of the arts.

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Welcome to the painting.

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What, is that you?

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-Looks hot.

-Thank you.

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This guy's in it too. He's the little fat baby.

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Oh. We've been trying to get that light fixed for months.

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-Thank you.

-Thank her.

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Good morning, Tom.

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She marched into my office this morning

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and told me she wouldn't leave until I got this done.

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Hmm. Well, I'm glad someone's feeling good.

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They're going to hang that painting in a public building

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where anybody can see it.

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In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed

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the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate

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and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe,

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which is not as cool of a vibe.

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Hey, Aphrodite, Chris needs you in his office.

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Why am I upset?

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Uh, let's start with government-funded animal porn.

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Oh, I'm not sure that's fair.

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I want it destroyed, and I want a statement from this office

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apologising for an obscene depiction of bestiality.

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-Bestiality?

-It is a picture of a centaur,

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a beautiful half person, half horse.

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And how did it get like that?

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Who had sex with what and gave birth to which?

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Miss Langman, we hear you, we understand you,

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and we are going to do whatever we can

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to come to a solution.

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Destroy it.

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Destroy it? I mean, is she serious?

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Do you find this personally offensive?

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Not personally, no.

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No, personally, I enjoy a good artistic depiction of the human form.

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I've dabbled in nude sculpture. I've posed nude.

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In college, I was in a nude production of Cats.

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-Mm.

-But I am not in the nude now, am I?

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Because we're in a government building.

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And that would be inappropriate,

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which is what I think Marcia is saying.

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So take care of the situation.

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That painting is not going to be destroyed.

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Every great work of art contains a message.

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And the message of this painting is, "get out of my way

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"unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

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Fork.

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Fork.

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Morning, roomie. How'd you sleep?

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Well, there were no bedbugs. Also no bed.

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I'm going to go buy a bed.

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-Fork.

-I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chilli off of a Frisbee?

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It's pretty cute, right?

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No. Do you know what "cute" means?

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What have you got against turkey chilli for breakfast?

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What have you guys got against washing dishes?

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We don't have any dishes, OK? Burly took them all when he left.

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Now I bet you feel like a jerk.

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Oh, God. OK, I might need to not stay here any more.

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No. Sorry, dude.

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We already spent your money on a new Xbox 360 and more Frisbees to eat off of.

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-You got to stay.

-Oh, God.

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OK. All right. Here's the deal.

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TAKEOUT BOX CRUMPLES

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We're going to clean this place up, OK?

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And then I'm going to teach you how to be adults.

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Cool. We'll get to be adults.

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Gee, golly, thanks, Mr.

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Fork.

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Hello, I'm Perd Hapley

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and welcome to Ya' heard? With Perd.

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Today's show begins now.

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Is this art, or is it pornography?

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Here to answer this question

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is Parks and Recreation deputy director Leslie Knope.

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Perd, it is a beautiful work of art.

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Governments should not be in the business of censorship,

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especially when a painting is as awesome as this one.

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But this is where the controversy

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of this story gets even more controversial.

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You are the subject of this painting,

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half woman, half horse,

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with what some would say are human breasts.

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I am not the subject.

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The subject is strong and empowered women everywhere.

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But it does look a little bit like me.

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Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know,

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are centaurs real?

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-No.

-You absolutely sure?

0:10:130:10:17

OK. So you always separate your lights from your darks.

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That's racist.

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And then you get your laundry... Where's your laundry detergent?

0:10:210:10:24

Right. Here we are.

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OK. This is, uh, bubble bath.

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You guys, you wash your clothes in bubble bath?

0:10:290:10:32

Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.

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No, it's not.

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Well, they both make bubbles, so...

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Also joining us today is a different person,

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pornographic film actress Brandi Maxxxx.

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Pleasure to be here.

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Brandi, you've starred in over 200 adult films,

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some which are very good. When'd you get in the business?

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-Last year.

-Fantastic.

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Now, this painting right here, art or pornography?

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Perd, I think this whole debate is ridiculous.

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What Leslie and I do is obviously art.

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Oh, hang on.

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Um, there's a big difference between an oil painting

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of a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.

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-It's OK, Leslie. I got this one.

-What?

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What Leslie and I want people to know is

0:11:100:11:12

you should be able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want,

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whether it's girl-on-girl action, bondage, or what have you.

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OK. Hang on.

0:11:190:11:21

Pornography is very difficult to define.

0:11:210:11:23

Um, in fact, it was Justice Stewart who once said,

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"I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it."

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Brandi, how would you define pornography?

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For me, it's when the penis goes in.

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All right, we need to do some basic organisation.

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Where do you put your bills when they come?

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I read the magazines and give the rest to Andy.

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Which I organise into a pile or stack

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that I put into the freezer.

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-Why?

-So they won't get lost.

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Bingo.

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OK, you have to pay these.

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Good thing I didn't lose them.

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Imagine my horror. I'm hanging upside-down with my gravity boots

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watching Perd.

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I see you with your painting

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and I am startled and disappointed.

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Well, I did not know that Brandi was going to offer me a role in her next film.

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I urge you not to take that role.

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I'm not going to take the role.

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That's good to hear, because, recently,

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you've been a little unpredictable.

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I'm sorry that I'm trying to defend

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a beautiful work of art.

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-Thank you, Leslie.

-Stand down, Jerry.

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-This isn't your fight.

-You've left me no choice.

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I've convened a meeting of the public arts commission,

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and we will abide by their decision.

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Fine with me.

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OK. Here is a list of errands

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and things that human adults need.

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Also, I'm giving you an advance on next month's rent.

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And I want you guys to go to Bed Bath & Beyond

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and buy everything on that list.

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Or we could buy a Wii.

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I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it?

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You can handle this. I have total faith in you.

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There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

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I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Chris Traeger

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and I am a big fan of art.

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Council, I am not opposed to pornography.

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In fact, you could say I'm definitely for it.

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If I had my laptop with me right now, I would show you

0:13:170:13:19

a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof.

0:13:190:13:22

However, this thing is disgusting

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-and wrong.

-Please let the record reflect

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-that the fat baby is referring to the painting.

-Hey!

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I am not a fat baby. I am a small, slender man.

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Similar to actor Taye Diggs, so let the record reflect that.

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That I look like Taye Diggs.

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Every great society has always supported artistic expression.

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-The Romans.

-Perverts.

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-The Greeks.

-Gay perverts.

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-Two great societies in Europe.

-Europeans...

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There are some members of this community that would like

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to demonise this painting, and when they do, they in fact demonise

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art itself. What is or isn't art

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is up to every free-thinking American to decide on their own.

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Uh, yeah, it's in the bag.

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We've decided that the painting should be destroyed.

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-Yeah!

-Burn it!

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What, are you serious?

0:14:190:14:20

You're supposed to be in favour of public art.

0:14:200:14:22

Yeah, well, there are nipples in it,

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so it just feels like we ought to be safe and destroy it.

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So how do you want to do this?

0:14:290:14:31

Burn it publicly or burn it privately, and I put the footage on my blog or...?

0:14:310:14:34

You've made your point, OK?

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Look, this painting is very important to me.

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It doesn't need to hang in a government building.

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Just let me take it home, and I'll keep it there.

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What do you say?

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I say this painting is going to burn,

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first here, then in hell.

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No.

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-Hey! Come back here!

-Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

0:14:530:14:57

First things first, oven mitts.

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Where are the oven mitts?

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Oh, my God. They have all the As-Seen-On-TV stuff!

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-Nuh-uh!

-Shake weight, Iron Gym...

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-Miracle Hand Repair, Big Top cookie, Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.

-Honey.

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-Oh, my God.

-Honey, honey, listen to me.

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Get it all.

0:15:140:15:16

Grab everything that we've seen it on TV

0:15:160:15:18

and put it in this cart right now.

0:15:180:15:20

Iron gym! I am going to get so buff.

0:15:200:15:22

Oh, my God. Marshmallow shooter.

0:15:220:15:24

Marshmallow shooter! Get two.

0:15:240:15:25

-Wait, what about the Magic Bullet?

-Yeah. I've seen that.

0:15:250:15:28

RAPID KNOCKING

0:15:280:15:31

-Oh, hi.

-Hi.

0:15:310:15:33

I was at a meeting around the corner,

0:15:330:15:35

and some people wanted to destroy this painting,

0:15:350:15:38

so I brought it here.

0:15:380:15:39

Where's Andy and April?

0:15:390:15:41

They're out shopping.

0:15:410:15:43

-What are you doing here?

-I moved into the spare room.

0:15:430:15:48

Really?

0:15:480:15:49

-Yeah.

-Huh.

0:15:490:15:51

-Can I come in?

-Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Of course.

0:15:510:15:55

Why do they want to destroy it?

0:15:550:15:57

Well, it's a painting of me as a centaur.

0:15:570:16:00

-OK.

-And it's a nude.

0:16:000:16:02

Oh.

0:16:020:16:03

Just basically, like, the chestal region.

0:16:030:16:06

-Uh-huh.

-Mostly. You don't have to look at it if you don't want to.

0:16:060:16:09

-No, no, no.

-It's very classy.

0:16:090:16:10

-Yeah, no, I'm sure it is.

-PHONE RINGS

0:16:100:16:12

Oh, man. It's Chris. Got to take this.

0:16:120:16:14

-OK.

-Hi, Chris.

0:16:140:16:16

Leslie Knope, you need to bring that painting back.

0:16:160:16:18

-What painting?

-Leslie, you have the painting,

0:16:180:16:20

and you need to bring it back in.

0:16:200:16:22

I think I've been pretty fair with you and I'm starting to feel angry.

0:16:220:16:25

And I don't like feeling angry. My heart is racing.

0:16:250:16:27

-It's going literally 45 beats a minute.

-I'm sorry.

0:16:270:16:29

If I could just explain to you my point of view...

0:16:290:16:31

You will bring that painting in tomorrow morning and surrender it

0:16:310:16:34

to Marcia Langman, and that's that. Do you understand me, madam?

0:16:340:16:37

Yes.

0:16:370:16:39

Mighty Putty!

0:16:410:16:43

What are we doing? We didn't get a single thing that Ben told us to.

0:16:470:16:50

Sure we did. We got the Marshmallow shooter.

0:16:500:16:52

That's... I don't think that's on the list.

0:16:520:16:55

-But I want it.

-I want it too.

0:16:550:16:57

But I also kind of want my own fork...

0:16:570:17:00

Just cos you eat really slow,

0:17:000:17:02

which is cute, but also super annoying.

0:17:020:17:05

-Fine.

-What? What's wrong?

0:17:050:17:08

Nothing. It's just adults are boring, and I hate them.

0:17:080:17:11

And I don't want to buy all this stupid, boring,

0:17:110:17:13

-adult stuff and become boring adults.

-Hey, listen to me.

0:17:130:17:16

Yes, we're going to get a dish rack, and shower curtains,

0:17:160:17:19

and a cutting board. But if you think for one second

0:17:190:17:22

I'm not also going to get that marshmallow shooter

0:17:220:17:24

so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows

0:17:240:17:28

when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

0:17:280:17:32

You're going to make me cry.

0:17:320:17:34

You're a level-headed person. What do I do here?

0:17:360:17:38

Well, I don't know.

0:17:380:17:40

I mean, it is one of the basic rules of government that you shouldn't offend people.

0:17:400:17:43

Yeah. I guess you're right.

0:17:430:17:45

I just... I'm so annoyed by all these rules lately.

0:17:450:17:51

Me too.

0:17:510:17:52

Hey, Leslie. What are you doing here?

0:17:520:17:55

Hey. Um, well, I, um, I stole a painting.

0:17:550:17:58

And, um, I was hoping you guys would help me hide it.

0:17:580:18:01

I like it. It's very simple.

0:18:010:18:03

No, it's on the other side.

0:18:030:18:06

Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse?

0:18:060:18:09

Does it look like me? I don't even...

0:18:090:18:11

Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything,

0:18:110:18:14

cos you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that.

0:18:140:18:17

-So would I.

-You guys are sweet.

0:18:170:18:19

OK. I should go and hit the road with this.

0:18:190:18:22

-And, um...

-OK.

0:18:220:18:24

-I'll see you later.

-Bye.

0:18:240:18:26

Bye, Leslie.

0:18:260:18:27

So how'd we do?

0:18:270:18:29

I don't know. Does this answer your question?

0:18:290:18:32

No. Did you buy plates?

0:18:380:18:41

Oh, plates.

0:18:410:18:42

Leslie, what are you doing?

0:18:450:18:47

Say goodbye to Dyaphena.

0:18:470:18:48

I have to turn her over to stupid Marcia Langman.

0:18:480:18:51

-Really? Oh.

-What?

0:18:510:18:54

I mean, to be honest, that seems like the kind of thing I would do.

0:18:540:18:57

And I didn't think you would give in.

0:18:570:19:00

I'm glad you finally came to your senses.

0:19:030:19:05

I know that's not an easy journey for you to make.

0:19:050:19:08

Let's take a look at it first, shall we?

0:19:080:19:12

Whoa! It looks amazing!

0:19:120:19:14

I had the artist paint over the original.

0:19:140:19:17

-Feel free to destroy it.

-No!

0:19:170:19:19

But I think you'll find no-one could possibly be offended.

0:19:190:19:22

There were many kinds of Greek goddesses.

0:19:240:19:26

Some were lovers. Some were warriors.

0:19:260:19:28

And some were tricksters.

0:19:280:19:32

How did your date with Cindy go?

0:19:340:19:36

Uh, you know, she wasn't really my type.

0:19:360:19:38

She's a tall brunette. You always like tall brunettes.

0:19:380:19:40

-Well, not exclusively.

-Historically, yes, exclusively.

0:19:400:19:43

He said he didn't like her, so it's over.

0:19:430:19:45

OK, well, I'm going to keep trying,

0:19:450:19:47

-because you are incredible.

-Thank you.

0:19:470:19:49

And you deserve someone amazing

0:19:490:19:51

and smart and beautiful.

0:19:510:19:54

-Thank you.

-A real goddess.

0:19:540:19:57

-Exactly.

-Mm.

0:19:570:19:59

You look like Enrique Iglesias.

0:20:000:20:02

-Just wish I had more time.

-Why?

0:20:020:20:04

This is amazing.

0:20:040:20:05

It looks like me, and I look awesome.

0:20:050:20:08

Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?

0:20:080:20:12

Yeah, where's your penis?

0:20:120:20:13

Damn it, Jerry!

0:20:130:20:15

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