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-I need you to come to the Snakehole Lounge tonight to help me. -Tonight's not good. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-No can do. -I'm on a cleanse. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
Please. This is important. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
I'm launching my new high-end, Kahlua-style liqueur, | 0:00:08 | 0:00:12 | |
Snakejuice. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:13 | |
Sounds like you took a snake and twisted it like a rag | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
until its blood and guts came out. | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -Eww. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:19 | |
-What does "Kahlua-style" mean? -I mix a bunch of alcohol together, | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
I add some sugar and coffee and some other junk, | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
and it kind of tastes like Kahlua. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
I can only drink warm tap water with Cayenne pepper. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
Fine. Then don't drink it. Just get other people to drink it, OK? | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Meeting in one hour. If you don't make it, you're on my done-zo list. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
Uh, what's a done-zo list? | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
It means you and I...are done-zo. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
Hanging out, getting food together - done-zo. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
You want to come to my house and play video games? Done-zo. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
"Hey, Tom, you want to come play putt-putt with me?" | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
No, we're done-zo. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Babe, we got to make that meeting. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
All right, let's start with the personal stuff. How's Jessie? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
-Who? -The photographer guy. -Oh, yeah. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
-We broke up. I didn't tell you that? -Mm-mm! Why? I liked him. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
Yeah, I did too. I just... I couldn't deal with his face. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Huh. Do you think I could get that book back that I loaned him? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
Oh, well, I'm technically "out of the country." | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
So I would have to call him from a weird number. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
-Oh. -Sorry. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
Never mind. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:33 | |
But I'm seeing this new guy, Mattias. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
You would love him. He's a triple Pisces. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
-Uh-oh, looks like someone's gonna be late for her meeting. -I'll race you. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Really? Isn't that a little childish? | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
Oh, ha-ha. Bye, Ann. Sorry, got to go. Hey, move! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
Oh! Councilman Howser, sorry. Nice to see you as always. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
Bye. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Welcome to Guerilla Marketing 101. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
What is Guerilla Marketing? | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
A few ordinary schmoes - no offence - | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
have a casual conversation next to some guy | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
about how great Snakejuice is. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
Next thing you know, that guy orders a whole bottle of Snakejuice, | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
and he has no idea why. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
Ron is going to play our exciting Snakejuice drinker, | 0:02:05 | 0:02:10 | |
AKA Brian Thunder. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
Jerry, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Your name will be Jerry. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
Your talking points are high-end, VIP, lifestyle. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
All right, let's run through it once. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
And action! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
"The weather has been so weird lately. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
"Hey, let me buy you all a drink." | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
"I'll take something basic like a beer." | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
"Yeah, I'm pretty... | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
"boring. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
"So I'll take a beer, too." | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
"Not me. I want this night to get K-razzy." | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
"C-ra-zy." | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Like crazy. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
-FLATLY: -"I want this night to get c-ra-zy. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
"Get me a shot of Snakejuice. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
"I hear it has a dope aftertaste." | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
All right, that's gonna be a cut. Um, | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
Ron, you got to say it like you mean it. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:56 | |
I won't publicly endorse a product | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
My only official recommendations are US Army-issued moustache trimmers, | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
Morton's Salt, and the CR Laurence Fein two-inch, axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:11 | |
We need to find a new PR Director for the Health Department. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
Dennis Cooper was fired today. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
Why? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Short answer - he went bananas. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
Long answer - his wife Jan had an affair, | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
gave him a venereal disease, | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
so he put signs about her all through City Hall. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
-I'm sure you've seen them. BOTH: -Oh, yeah. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
"Miss Chlamydia." | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
"Jan, I love you. Please come back. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
"I realise that I'm not blameless here. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
"Please. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:44 | |
"Brought to you by the Health Department." | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville." | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Leslie, I want you to help us choose a replacement. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
Parks and Health work closely on outdoor programmes and exercise initiatives. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
-Ann should do it. -Ann Perkins? | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Pawnee is looking for a new PR Director for the Health Department, | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
and I submitted your name. You have an interview tomorrow at 9am | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
-9am - wow. -Yes, I know. I couldn't get it earlier. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
-I'm... I am... -Grateful. I know. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
You can thank me later. But first you need to go over your homework. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
These are all the health initiatives the city has ever undertaken since the 1960s. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
So you need to partially memorise that. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
And it's gonna be a long night, so I got you some energy drinks | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
and some chocolate-covered espresso beans | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
and the book Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
-Why am I reading this? -Because I'm almost done with it, Ann, and I want to talk to you about Patty. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
OK, deep breath. SHE INHALES CURTLY | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
OK, I've been a nurse for over ten years. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
It's not something you just quit. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
I understand. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
I just think with this new job, you could make a difference. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
Make real change happen. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:44 | |
Plus, we'd be working in the same building. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
No more lightning-round catch-up sessions. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
It would be nice to have an office. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
Let's be honest - it would be nice to not have to pull strange things out of people's butts every night. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:55 | |
You've mentioned that before. That doesn't happen that often. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
-It happened once. -Just once. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:58 | |
That already is too many times. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
Ugh. I hate talking, | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
to people about things. This is a nightmare. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
Ugh. I'm grouchy. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Well, we have to support Tom. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
Think about it as role-playing. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
That makes it sexy. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
-That could be fun. -Ha! Really? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
-Can I use a weird voice and try to freak people out? -Yes. -OK. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
Then, er, next time you see me, | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
I'll be a stranger. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Snakejuice! What? Here? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
High-end, VIP, exclusive. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
-Hey, how's it going? -I think it's going OK. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
People better buy this stuff, or else I'm gonna be screwed. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
-It's gonna be fine. People will definitely buy it. -Uh-oh! Uh-oh! | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
# K to the N to the O-P-E | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
# She's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana. # | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
-Why didn't you just stop at "Pawnee"? -Leslie Knope, seriously, | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
you get sexier every day. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
And that is not a line. That is for real. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Aw, Jean-Ralphio. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Well, I know tonight's gonna be a big success, | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
and I wish I could stay - I really do - but I have to go help Ann. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
She's gonna be up all night cramming for a big job interview. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
She might be up all night, | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
but I think someone else is gonna be doing the cramming. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
Uh-oh. Whoop! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
HIP-HOP MUSIC | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
-Hey. -Hey. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:14 | |
-I'm so happy to see you. -I'm seeing you here. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
-Yes. -Yes, I'm surprised. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
I thought maybe you'd be home preparing for tomorrow. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Oh, well, there was way too much stuff for me to read tonight, anyway. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
I mean, it was a ridiculous amount of stuff that you gave me. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:28 | |
Oh. But you are going in for the interview tomorrow? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
I think so. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
Uh-oh. Is there enough room for some "man-aise" | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
in this lady sandwich? | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
-Oh. -Leslie, this is my friend Howard Tuttleman. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
Oh, please. Call me The Douche. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
You probably know me from my morning radio show on 93.7, | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Crazy Ira and The Douche. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Yeah, I-I have met you before. I actually was on your show once... | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
Wait! Were you on the show where we had that stripper do math? | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Classic, right? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
DANCE MUSIC | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Hello, strange person who I have never met before. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
Who are you? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
I'm Janet Snakehole. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Who are you? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
Bert Macklin, FBI. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
I was the best damn agent they had | 0:07:12 | 0:07:13 | |
until I was framed for a crime I didn't commit... | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
-SHE GASPS -Stealing the president's rubies. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Now I work alone. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
Lovely to meet you. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
I got to admit, er, I thought your costume | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
would maybe be a little bit sluttier. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
How dare you? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:27 | |
Nice. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:30 | |
Gentlemen. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
-Swan song, how you living? -Yes. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Why aren't you holding a Snakejuice? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
I'm more of a whisky man. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
Ron-Ron, come here. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:39 | |
Come here for a bit. You're good right there. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Listen, you got to jump on the Tommytown Express. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
This guy has some of the best investment ideas I've ever heard in my life. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
Make a baby tuxedo clothing line. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
A department store with a guest list. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
White fur ear muffs for men. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Contact lenses that display text messages. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Invent a phone that smells good. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Own a nightclub called Eclipse | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
that's only open for one hour two times a year. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Cover charge - 5,000. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:08 | |
I can keep going. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:09 | |
How about this, Ron? | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Try Snakejuice. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
If you like it, you got to talk it up all night. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
Yeah, I'd like to see that. Hit me. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
A lot riding on this. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
Damn, if that isn't delicious. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
Oh! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
# R to the O to the N-N-N | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
# I say Swanson's got swagger the size of Big Ben clock. # | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
Dude, you got to end it on the rhyme. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:37 | |
-I know what I have to do. -You had it at "Ben." -I know. I got it. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
You think I haven't been around the world? | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
I've been everywhere, darling. I'm a very wealthy woman. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
My husband's kept me in the finest clothes | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
from Bergdorf Goodman, you see. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
-Freeze! FBI! -No! Leave me alone! | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
-Hands in the air! -I didn't kill anybody! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
And I didn't burn down the mill either. My sister did. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
But now she's been eaten by wolves! | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
SHE SOBS | 0:09:00 | 0:09:01 | |
Nothing to see here. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
-So how did you two meet? -We met at the supermarket. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
Used my classic pick-up line. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
If you're looking for douches, they're in aisle me. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
-Awesome. -Yeah. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Oh, hey, by the way, I don't think I can get that book back from, um, whatshisname. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:17 | |
Oh, that's OK. I mean, I should've known better | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
than to loan something to one of your boyfriends. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
They come and go so fast. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
Uh, what are you saying, exactly? | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
Well, I mean, let's be honest. How long is it gonna last with this guy? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
-Sitting right here. -I don't know. He's dumb, but he's fun. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
Thank you. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:31 | |
I mean, the whole point of dating around is you get to try on a bunch of different hats. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
Well, this hat is an idiot. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Ha-ha. Classic! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:38 | |
Leslie, are you mad that I came here? | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
What? No. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:42 | |
I'm not... Are you... You seem mad at me. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
No, I'm not... I'm not mad at you. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
-I'm not mad at you. -I'm not mad at all. -Neither am I. -No. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
Looks like you two need to kiss and make up. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
-All right. -Reow! | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
Hello. My name is Ron Swanson. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
In general, I try never to speak with people, | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
but I have been drinking this Snakejuice thing, | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
and it's damn good. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:03 | |
You should buy it. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
Yeah, OK. Thanks, man. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:06 | |
Son, you should know that my recommendation | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
is essentially a guarantee. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
Drink this, now. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:12 | |
HIP-HOP MUSIC | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
Traegermeister! You made it. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
Yeah, I got your e-mail. We need to talk. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
First off, though, try a little Snakejuice. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
But don't worry. There's plenty caffeine in it to keep you awake. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
You e-mailed everyone at City Hall and told them to come to a club | 0:10:33 | 0:10:38 | |
that you own to buy alcohol that you invented. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Government employees can't use their power | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
to enhance their personal wealth. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:45 | |
I totally get your point, Chris. It won't happen again. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
I just don't see any way around it. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
-You're gonna have to sell your shares in the Snakehole. -No! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
T-pain, this guy bothering you? | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
-This is my boss. -OK, yeah. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
-You want me to write a rap about your name? -Yes. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
# B to the O to the double-S | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
-# Do what he say and you'll be successful. -# | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
No offence, but maybe you think I'm going too fast cos you're going too slow with Ben. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
No offence, but I'm going slow because I might lose my job. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
OK, no offence, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:15 | |
No offence, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
Offence! That's rude. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
I'm gonna go dance. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
Douche, you're up. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
Uh, er. Mmm. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
Hey, are you OK? I heard yelling. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
Yeah, I'm very angry, and I'm really drunk. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
Do you want to dance with me? Go get me another "snorkjuice." | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Forget it. Jean-Ralphio! | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
-Yes, I'm here. -Dance up on me. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
Yes, yes, yes. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
'This is my first fight with Ann, and it's a doozy.' | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
But I believe that honest discussions between friends | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
can lead to deeper intimacy. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
This is a watershed moment in our relationship, | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
and it's important that we fight clean. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
All I need to do is focus and stay calm. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
You're stupid and you're drunk and you're stupid. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Oh! I don't understand how this is my fault. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
It's not... Everything isn't your fault all the time. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
Don't always make everything your fault. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
Good! It's not all my fault. I'm not the stupid jerk. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
-I'm not the one who's being a stupid jerk. -I didn't mean it like that. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
You know I didn't mean it like that. I just meant you were being stupid, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
and you were acting like a jerk. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
Look, I'm sorry that I thought about you for the job, OK? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
But sometimes if I don't push you in the right direction, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
you end up standing still. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
I was just trying to do you a favour. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
Enough with your favours, OK? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
Stop. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
Maybe we shouldn't work together, then. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
Maybe we shouldn't. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
Every time I cleanse, I can literally | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
feel the toxins leaving my body. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
I know! I feel so much healthier. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
I've still got a full week to go before the broth stage. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
Mmm! Pre-broth is an amazing stage. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
It's when you're most alert. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Good. Someone needs to be alert tonight. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
This Snakejuice is basically rat poison. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Everybody's wasted. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
You don't even know one thing. I didn't even say one thing. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
And then she asked me the whole thing, and I didn't even do it once. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
I'm like an elephant, OK? | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
If I walk into a room, it's like, "OK, he's in there." | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
-Ba-ba booey. -HE CHUCKLES | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
Turn this music down. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
# Farts and poop and love and stuff | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
# Macaroni salad... # | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
SHE SPEAKS SPANISH-SOUNDING GIBBERISH | 0:13:22 | 0:13:26 | |
UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
-Is this everybody? -Ann took a cab. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Tom's in the trunk. Jerry's on the roof. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
All right, where to first? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Your mother's butt. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
I'm so alone. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
If even one of you thinks about dry heaving in my car, | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
you're all walking home. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Leslie. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
I'm here. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:52 | |
We have to go hire a new PR Director for the Health Department. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Oh, my God. I'm so hung over. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
I've never been this hung over. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
I feel great. I ran 5k this morning. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
Really? | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
No, I threw up in the shower. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
Top of the morning, everyone. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
I brought some burgers and fries. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
Eat up. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
The protein soaks up the sugar. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
HE WHISTLES | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
First, you take the cow to the killing floor. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
Well, I am out of questions. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Thank you. We will let you know. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
-Then our heads will explode, and we will die. -Oh, God. -Oh. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
I cannot believe that fight I had with Ann. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Look, I'm sure you guys can work it out. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
I owe her, like, a million apologies. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:38 | |
I think I owe you one, too. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
-I'm sorry. -For what? | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
I don't know. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
Are you OK? | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
No, I'm sad. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:50 | |
-Say, thanks, chum. -Ugh. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
-I'll get those papers delivered for you. -Whatever. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
Posthaste. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:03 | |
The doctor says it's probably not serious, but it might be. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
Oh, Kyle, please stop talking. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Why, isn't it Bert Macklin? | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
What are you doing here, and who is this sorry Charlie? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
I'm Janet Snakehole. I demand answers, and I want them now. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
Honey, please. I love you. No offence... | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
but Bert Macklin died last night | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
after the tenth shot of Snakejuice. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
OK. Sorry. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
Miss Snakehole. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
You think I'd let you get away that easily? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
Bert Macklin may be dead, | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
but I'm his brother... | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Kip Hackman. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
Why wouldn't you have his same last name? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Shut up, Kyle. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:48 | |
I know you boosted those paintings. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
Maybe it was me, but I'll never tell you where they are. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
And you'll never have my body either. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
Sorry to hear the news, Tom. We're gonna miss you around the club. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
Hey, you own shares, too. Why didn't Chris make you sell? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
Cos Chris doesn't know. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
You know what? | 0:16:09 | 0:16:10 | |
Snitches get stitches. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
-Donna, come on. -Don't. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
I'm a natural money maker. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:17 | |
I got into government for the connections. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
This was supposed to be a thing that led to the other thing. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
It's like when Vin did Boiler Room. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
-That's what lead to him being XXX and... -And Furious. Yeah, I know. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
Listen, I don't like all this negativity, man. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
Why don't you turn that frizz-own upside-dizz-ity? Huh? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
This sucks, man. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:33 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
Oh. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
You're wearing snow pants. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Can I come in? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:46 | |
-Yeah, if you're quiet. -OK. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
SHE GROANS | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
Er, Leslie doesn't know I'm here. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:52 | |
Oh, God. So high school. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
I can't believe that Leslie and I got drunk in a bar | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
and fought about boys. | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
We're so much better than that. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
I just keep having flashes of things that we said to each other. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:06 | |
And she's so important to me. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
I feel like such a dick. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
I know she feels awful. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:11 | |
I mean, technically, we all do. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
Yeah. What the hell is in Snakejuice - Demerol? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
All I know is Leslie's always talking | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
about how lucky she is to have you as a friend. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
And I just... wanted you to know that. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:27 | |
You're nice. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
I can see why she likes you. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
When did she say... Likes me? | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
Oh, God. This is so high school. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
I'm sure she'll say yes. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
All right. Thanks. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
So let me get this straight. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
Tom tries to get off the Government teat, | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
and we punish him. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:48 | |
That doesn't make any sense to me. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
I'm sorry. Rules are rules. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
I wish there was something we could do. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
Ben, is there something we can do? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Damn it. Ben's not here. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:57 | |
Tom's not scamming anyone. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
He's not savvy enough to manipulate the system like that. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
He's just a kid chasing a goofy dream. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
I'm sorry. My hands are tied. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Jan Cooper was a terrible wife. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
I just want everybody to know that. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:12 | |
Thank you, Dennis. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
But we can't give you your job back. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
You sound just like her. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
-That was unpleasant. -Yeah. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
All right, who's next? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
You came! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:24 | |
Yeah, I had some encouragement. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Your sweater's on inside out. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
And backwards. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
It's been a tough morning. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
Lots of regret and shame. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
That should be the official slogan for Snakejuice. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
LESLIE CLEARS THROAT Well, er, this committee would like to ask | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
after they've behaved like a complete jackass. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
This candidate could, | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
especially because this candidate also behaved | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
like a total jackass. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:54 | |
Please, don't worry about it. The committee totally understands. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
Also, I can talk about my qualifications | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
for this position. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:02 | |
But first, I am gonna go throw up in a waste basket. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:06 | |
-Would you mind if I joined you? -Not at all. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
Shall we? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
'Ann came in the next day and had a second interview with Chris. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
'She nailed it, of course. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
'But she doesn't want to totally leave her job. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
'So they struck up a deal. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
'She works at City Hall part-time and two days a week, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
'she still gets to be the greatest nurse in the world.' | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
Win-win. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
'We need to remember what's important in life - | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
'friends, waffles, and work.' | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
Or waffles, friends, work - it doesn't matter. But work is third. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
'So listen, Crazy Ira, check this out, OK? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
'I'm at this club last night just killing it - the Snakehole Lounge. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
'Oh, yeah, is that a gay club? | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
-CAMP: -'Hello! | 0:19:45 | 0:19:46 | |
'Ha-ha! Shut up, ass. Come on, man. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
'So I'm dancing on the floor with this super-hot chick. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:54 | |
'Me so horny! | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
-'More like a dude, I bet. -CAMP: -Hello? | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Did you wet your whistle? | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
-SLIDE WHISTLE -'I wish. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
'Me likey. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:03 | |
'No, no, no, no. She spent the whole night talking to her friend, | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
-'arguing about their feelings.' -That's me! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
'Who knows? She's probably a lesbian. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
'They were in the bathroom a LONG time.' | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 |