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DISCO MUSIC PLAYING | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever in her new part-time job | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
in the Public Health Department at City Hall, it's Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay! | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
Leslie, this is so nice! | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons, | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
so if any of them pops, you may die. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:18 | |
No, April, we would all die. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:25 | |
School. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:26 | |
We have activities every hour on your first day. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
10am, "Ann's first day waffle explosion." | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
11am, "The start-paperwork jamboree." | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
And then 12 noon sharp is the inaugural "D-Ann-ce Party." | 0:00:33 | 0:00:38 | |
Welcome to City Hall, cupcake! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
-How many of you are in here? -There's seven. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart, and he's kind of a grouch. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
I have an office mate? | 0:00:45 | 0:00:46 | |
-Get these -BLEEP -balloons out of here. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
Hi. I'm Ann. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
-Hey. -Hey. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
Just to let you know, I gave the senior centre project to Donna. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
Sounds good. The meeting's at two o'clock? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Yes. Conference room C. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
OK. I think at some point, | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
you and I should probably make out with each other. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
Yeah, good call. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
The best part of any relationship is the beginning. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
No problems, no fights. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:27 | |
Just white wine, cuddling, and crazy amounts of | 0:01:27 | 0:01:32 | |
History Channel documentaries. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Hey, we should take separate cars to the restaurant tonight. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
-Chris is deadly serious about this... -I know. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
I just don't want to talk about it, OK? I'll see you tonight. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
OK. By the way, I have a meeting with Marlene Griggs-Knope. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:48 | |
Is that any relation? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
-No. -Oh, OK. -Just a coincidence. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
We get it all the time. We laugh about it. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
But I've never met her. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
She's Filipino. OK, bye. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Why don't you just tell Ben she's your mother? | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Because Ben and I are in this amazing little bubble right now, | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
and there's no room in here | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
for Chris's stupid rules about us not dating or my ball-busting mother. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
Leslie, I'm sorry, but I don't think you thought this through. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
You know what I should do? I should get my mother | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
a one-way ticket to London, leaving today. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
And that way, Ben never has to meet her | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
and I could visit her in London. Everybody wins. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
What if he sees a picture of her on your desk? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
What if Marlene says, "Hey, have you met my daughter, Leslie? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
"She works in the Parks Department." | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
Stuart, please, could you give us, like, 45 minutes? | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
-It's my office, too. -Stuart. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
That guy was rude. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:37 | |
I feel that some structural changes | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
could really unlock this department's potential. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
-Jerry. -Mmm? | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
I believe you are capable of much more. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
-I'm not. -Nonsense. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
-Look in the mirror. -Huh? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
I'm making you head of Public Relations, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
which means you'll be leading the daily briefing sessions. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Excellent idea. | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
This is my favourite part about having a new city manager. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
They always try to shake things up, and their ideas are terrible, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
and it brings City Hall to a grinding halt. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
I just grab a few doughnuts, sit back, and enjoy the show. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
April, you are too valuable | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
to just be Ron's assistant. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:17 | |
So from now on, you are a multitasking executive aide, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
assisting the entire office. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
Is this a nightmare? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
April, wake up. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Tom, I just want to say | 0:03:25 | 0:03:26 | |
that you are a wonderful employee, and a terrific human being. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
Meeting adjourned! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
-Tom. -HE LAUGHS | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
I enjoy you. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
You know what else I enjoy? Your entrepreneurial spirit. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
I did recently sell my Chronicles Of Riddick DVD | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
on eBay for 10. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Used the profits to buy the Blu-ray. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
That's terrific. I have an amazing project | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
for someone of your talents. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
You are going to digitise | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
the entire city archives up on the fourth floor. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
No! I hate the fourth floor! Last time I was up there, | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine. It's a bad place. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
You won't be alone. Andy. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Starting now, you are nobody's shoeshine boy. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Starting now, you are an administrative assistant. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
For three weeks. Then back to shoes. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Chris! | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
I wasn't super paying attention to what you just said | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
that we'll be doing, but I will give 110%! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
As soon as you repeat yourself in a more interesting way. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
Hey, Ben. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
-Hey, what's up? -Nothing much. Since I'm here, I just wanted | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
to let you know that Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
What? Wh... Why...? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
Also, she can be cruel and difficult, | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
and she makes snap judgements about people | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
that she holds on to for a very long time. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
And she's kind of a bully. OK! Go in there, you're going to be great. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Here. Sorry! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
Hello. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
I'm Mr Ben Wyatt. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
Looks like you got some shirt on your coffee. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Yeah. You know what happened? | 0:04:44 | 0:04:45 | |
I spilled it, but you know how it goes. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
Fun anecdote. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:50 | |
The county school district needs four new school buses. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
I'm being stonewalled by the board, | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
and I'm hoping your office can help us out. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
OK. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
Really? That's it? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Yeah. Actually, no. It... | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
It's probably not possible. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Then I'm confused, Ben, | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
because you just told me it was. Five seconds ago. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
I got a second box of doughnuts, if anybody... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
-What the -BLEEP -is this? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
This, Mr Director, is your new desk. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
OK. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
This desk is the epitome | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
of the Swedish concept of jamstalldhet, | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
or "equality." | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
-Imagine someone needs your attention. Somebody say my name. -Chris. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
Swivel! What is it, Jerry? | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
You told me to say your name. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:34 | |
And you did a great job, superstar. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Someone else say something. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
-You look like a freak. -Swivel! | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
April, that is not a very good attitude. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
I will keep my eye on you | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
from my circular desk where I can see everything. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
Tiny swivel. See how it works? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
What about my office and its many walls? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
That becomes a new public waiting room. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
And we got rid of that giant pillar that was in front of your door. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
I loved that pillar. | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
CHRIS LAUGHS Well, get over it, cos it's gone! | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
You're going to be more accessible than ever. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
'The fourth floor. Small claims court, | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
'divorce filings, state-ordered drug tests.' | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
It's somehow both freezing and humid. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
There's a whole room on the fourth floor | 0:06:18 | 0:06:19 | |
where they store knives they've confiscated from people | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
who went to the fourth floor to stab someone. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS | 0:06:24 | 0:06:25 | |
-You from Parks and Rec? -Yeah. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
I'm here to show you around. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Nice to meet you, ma'am. What's your name? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Ethel Beavers. Follow me. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
OK, this is you. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
Oh, wow! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
Double computers? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
I get my own office phone. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:43 | |
Hello, Wall Street. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Buy more stocks. Now. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
This phone kind of smells like a butt. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
Try not to move things around. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Because technically speaking, this is still a crime scene. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
Here's your name tags. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Here. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Ethel, this shirt is from Theory. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Name tags make holes. I'm not wearing this. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
Do what you want. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:02 | |
-Bye, Ethel! -Damn it. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
"Remind...Tom...ask...something." | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
You got it, boss. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:13 | |
Hey! Somebody made somebody a mix! | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
And I definitely heard your feedback from last time, | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
so I only put five Sarah McLachlan songs on this one. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Cool. Should we talk about how you claimed your mom | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
was a Filipino woman you'd never met? | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Should we? SHE SIGHS | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
I was just trying to delay the inevitable. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
If this turns into something real, | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
then we are going to have to deal with Chris's rule, | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
and parents, and annoying flossing habits, | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
and a lot of un-fun stuff. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:39 | |
But not yet. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
I just want to enjoy the bubble for a little while. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
I'm sorry. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:46 | |
-Everything's good? -No, it's not. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
I was completely flustered. I came off like an idiot. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
I mean, at one point, for no reason, | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
I'm going to go ask her how it went, and I bet she loved you. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:07:58 | 0:07:59 | |
I loved him! | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
He's a total pushover. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Very odd guy, though. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
He's like a goofy, spineless jellyfish. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
SHE CHUCKLES | 0:08:10 | 0:08:11 | |
Why do you ask, sweetheart? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
No reason. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Don't worry about it. It's totally fine. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
No, it's not fine. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
What if she starts going around telling people I'm a pushover? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
No-one's going to believe that. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
-What? -A cute fascist hard-ass, | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
but still, you give off a very... DOOR OPENS | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
Education Department now officially requesting 10 school buses. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
I thought they only wanted four. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
Well, now that I'm a pushover, why not ask for 10, or 20, | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
or 100 new school buses and a fleet of school yachts? | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
How about that? Here's what we're going to do. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
You are going to tell me everything there is to know about your mom. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
I'm going to have another meeting with her, and we're going to have it out. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Or we could go to Belize, and go scuba diving. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
And we could look at the whale sharks. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
You're certified, right? Let's get you certified. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
April, do you have that usage report that I asked for? | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
-Anything for you, Jerry. -Thank you. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Oh, come on. Why? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Excuse me. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
There's a sign at Ramsett Park that says, "Do not drink the sprinkler water," | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
so I made sun tea with it, and now I have an infection. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:20 | |
Sir? | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Sir, are...are you listening to me, sir? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Sir, I'm talking to you! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
Sir! | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
Sir, are you aware | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
that there is waste in your water system? | 0:09:30 | 0:09:34 | |
OK, you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
This is not a meeting. It's a battle. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Normal meeting rules do not apply. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
I'll be my mom, and I'm going to be very harsh with you, | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
and it's only because I like you a lot. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
-OK. -Go! | 0:09:46 | 0:09:47 | |
-Hello. -Wrong. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
-What? -No preambles. No introductions. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Just walk in and start talking. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
I'd like to discuss the new school bus. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
I'd like to discuss your rhyming...Dr Seuss. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
And you should be sitting by now. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
-What? -Just walk in and take a seat. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
-Um... -"Um" is the sound in "dumb." | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
That's what she says to people. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:08 | |
And now you've crossed your legs like a woman. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
God! OK, should we just start over? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:11 | |
No. No, we need to put a pin in this. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
Here is a list of my mother's top 100 favourite conversation topics, | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
You have 10 minutes to memorise it. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
-Deliverance, the movie? -Mm-hm. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Oh, God. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:25 | |
So Jerry is, like, basically my boss now, | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
which I'm never going to work for him. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
Ron's trapped in this weird desk prison, | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
and I now work at this travelling IV station. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
This Mort Jansen's office? | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
Nope. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:37 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
Tell Mort I said, "Your move." | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Oh, my God. I want to work up here with you guys. This is awesome. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
How many more of those stupid documents do you have to scan? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Just this one, and all the ones in those boxes. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
I've got to get out of here, pronto. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
Time to get those old ladies to do my work for me. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
How? By shining down on them with the Haverford charm ray. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
HE IMITATES RAY GUN | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
Well, well, well. If it isn't Ethel Beavers. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
What's up, beautiful? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
Nobody named Julien called. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Never mind. I just need to ask you a couple of questions. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
One, can you help me out with this project we're doing? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
And, two, | 0:11:29 | 0:11:30 | |
will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:34 | |
What are you doing? | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
I'm making a test call to your phone to make sure it's working | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
so you don't miss any more calls. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
You know what? Don't bother. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
-Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. -OK. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
This isn't going to work. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
OK, you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup", | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
because I can't fly spaceships. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Donna, you know as well as I do | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
these city manager shake-ups always peter out. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
-You just have to wait. -Usually I'm with you. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
But this is Chris Traeger, the 6 million man. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
He won't quit. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:15 | |
So you need to swivel your ass down to his office | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
and have a word with him. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
-Mommy. -Oh! | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
That is so thoughtful of you. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
Of course! | 0:12:26 | 0:12:27 | |
I just figured, "Hey, why not put my mother in a good mood?" | 0:12:27 | 0:12:32 | |
So, it's my understanding that despite what I said in our meeting, | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
you have somehow increased your request for more school buses. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
Excuse me, but I'm having coffee with my daughter. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Maybe we could do this another time. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
No, we're going to talk about this now. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Or if you'd prefer, | 0:12:45 | 0:12:46 | |
I could put a permanent freeze on the education budget. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
-It's your call. -SHE SCOFFS | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Wow, maybe you should talk to him, Mom. He seems pretty self-assured. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:55 | |
There's nothing left. It's over. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
Get yourself together | 0:13:02 | 0:13:03 | |
and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:08 | |
-SHE SNIFFLES -Thank you so much. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
-Who was that? -I don't know. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
I saw her crying, and so I helped. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
What did you want to talk to me about? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
Look, Chris, I'm very flattered | 0:13:19 | 0:13:20 | |
you thought of me for this amazing opportunity, | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
but I don't really know if this gig is in my wheelhouse. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
I tend to work best with young, attractive people. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
Tom, I have made you a project leader. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
This is a big deal! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
You should keep an open mind. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:33 | |
Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
I made that expression up when I was 14. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
Still in use today. By me. Gotta jam. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
You know what? It's just not possible. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
And don't even bother trying to outflank me either, because you will fail. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
-Where did all this confidence come from all of a sudden? -Hey, guys, come on. Let's relax. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
-You know, Ms Griggs-Knope... -Marlene. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
-There's probably a compromise here. -Compromise is usually a sign of weakness. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
Yes, it is, according to Andrew Carnegie. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
But your demands remind me of a different quote, | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
from the great Bill Watterson. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
"You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw." | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
-I love Calvin And Hobbes. -Me too! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
I've got to say, this is some of my best work. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
This could not have gone better. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
They are really hitting it off. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Thank God. Crisis averted. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
Well, I am very glad you came back up here. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Yeah, me too. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
-Yeah... -So you have a deal. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
Well, let me mull everything over, | 0:14:27 | 0:14:28 | |
and then we can reconnect and hash things out. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
It might get rough, but that can be fun. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
-Ben can handle it. -Yep, I can. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
OK, great. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
-It was a pleasure. -Oh! Mm-hm. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
What's so great is she was impressed by you too. You could tell instantly. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
The way you guys were connecting was amazing. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
What I'm thinking is maybe we should go over to her house... | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
You two are just the cutest things on four legs! | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
But why so much black? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
It's like you're going to a funeral. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
She's got a point, babe. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
So, marry HER then. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
-THEY LAUGH -I wish! | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
Hey, sorry to interrupt the love-fest, | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
but can you hand me that folder there, please, Ethel? | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
Oh, great. Why've you got to be like that, Ethel? | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
Stop laughing, Muriel. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:13 | |
BOTH LAUGH | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
Stop it! | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
I've got to say, I'm a genius. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
The only thing my mom loves more than music boxes | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
is McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
So I made her a McSteamy-style music box. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
MUSIC BOX PLAYS | 0:15:24 | 0:15:25 | |
I thought maybe you could give it to her. She would love you for it. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
I think maybe that's not such a good idea. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
Why? I mean, it's not the best picture of him, but... | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
Your mom kind of... | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
..um, made a pass at me. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
MUSIC STOPS | 0:15:40 | 0:15:41 | |
JERRY: So, Webster's dictionary | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
describes a pork as a... | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
No, it's park... Park. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
I'm sorry. Jeez, OK. So... | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
You know what? Can we start over? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
Let's...let's go from the first thing. I said pork, which... | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
By the way, they have a great pork sandwich in the cafeteria today. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
-Ron Swanson. -Chris. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
that it might ruin the entire department. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
-Now, wait a minute. -I mean that as a compliment. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
So, it pains me to say this. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
My department has to go back to the way it was. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
-Give them time. They'll adjust. -No, they won't. They're miserable. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:20 | |
Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
so marooning him on Freak Island isn't helping anyone. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? | 0:16:26 | 0:16:31 | |
Everyone. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:32 | |
And Jerry can only function if no-one's looking. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
You shine a light on him, | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
Well, that's very perceptive, Ron. And, very graphic. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
I understand your point, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
but there's no way that I can just roll over on this. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
HE GROANS | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
OK. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
You won't ever hear me say this again, so savour this moment. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
I may have a compromise. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Look, she was just flirting a little. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
I'm sure she's not really interested in me. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Oh, my God. I can't even have this conversation. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
The whole thing is screwed up now. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
There's so many ways to destroy a bubble, | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
but my mom flirting with you is number one on the list. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
And I'm sorry, I have to say this - | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
were you asking for it in any way? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
-No! -How were you dressed? -Oh, my God. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
-I was wearing this. -Here's what we do. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
You issue a government-wide memo | 0:17:20 | 0:17:21 | |
about sexual harassment, and then you go to Mexico. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Just for a couple of weeks. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Where are you going? Ben! | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
Ben! Wait. Just... Hey... | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
-Hi, Mom. -Hi again. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
Leslie and I are dating. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:34 | |
We haven't told anyone | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
because there's a rule against office relationships. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
But it's happening. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
I'm sorry we didn't tell you before you touched my knee, | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
and I trust you won't tell anyone now | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
since it could get your daughter fired. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
That is hilarious. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
That's what we thought too. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
Well... | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
Four buses. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:02 | |
-Two. -Deal. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
I like this one. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:10 | |
Me too. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
You keep your hands off him. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Margaret's pecan squares. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
They are like crack. I brought you one. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
How are you so happy working here? | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
I don't know, man. It's not that bad. A year ago, I lived in a pit. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
Now I got a job, and a kickass wife. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
And my band is so good, | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
and are you going to eat that pecan square? | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
I read that once on a can of lemonade. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
But I like to think that it applies to life. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
I don't want lemonade. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:47 | |
It's too sweet, and it makes my tongue feel gritty. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
So maybe it's time for a change. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
Starting now, when life gives me lemons, | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
I'm going to slice them up into wedges | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
and throw them into vodka tonics, | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
Here you go. Thank you. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
Kind of figured you'd be back in your office by now. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Well, you know how new city managers are. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
Seems like everyone else is back to normal. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
-How long do you have to do this? -A week. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
Hello. I can help you in here, sir. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
Oh, man, you're really screwing this up. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
I'm gone for one day, and this entire shoe shine stand falls apart. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
Everything I built. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
Jump up here. I'll show you how it's done. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
See, your problem is you're thinking too much. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Wow. You're really good at this. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Yes. I am. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:53 | |
When I come back here in a few weeks, | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
I don't want all my regular customers to not be here | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
waiting for me because somebody screwed it up. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
-Huh? -Thanks. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
No problem. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
-See you later, kid. -Wow. -What a moron. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 |