The Babysitter People Just Do Nothing

This programme contains strong language.

All the great entrepreneurs started somewhere. Your Donald Trumps, your Duncan Bannatynes,

the Apprentice guy, Alan Shearer. They all started in something like this.

Welcome to the dream factory!

Where dreams are made!

Mainly T-shirts, though.

What makes a good T-shirt?

I think deceptiveness, you know?

So you look at a T-shirt and you think, "Oh, that's Gucci, isn't it?"

And then you look carefully and it's Coochi.

Dolce and Gabbana?

No, mate. Deepak and Gurdeve.

-MAN:

-How many T-shirts have you bought?

This is all the T-shirts here, so I've got 6,000 of these.

But I mean, so far, I've done around two.

Bloody upside down, isn't it?

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Bloody hell, it's harder than I thought.

I should have people doing this for me, really.

Bastard!

-Are you excited about your day today?

-Yeah.

Because Mummy's going to be working all day, so...

Right, well, give Mummy a hug.

Yes...

I'll miss you. Ah...

-Right, I'll see you after work, then.

-All right.

Still feels a bit weird saying that.

All right, Ange.

You're going to have a fun day with your daddy today.

I want to go to Nana's.

No, Nana's on holiday, ain't she, Ange?

Yeah, your precious nana is getting her rat out in Zante.

Stop it! She's gone to visit her lover.

Lover? He's, like, 17 years old and hands out flyers outside a pub!

-He's hardly a lover.

-He can't even speak English.

Well, love is still the same whether it's in English or in foreign.

-I'll see you after five.

-All right, laters.

SWITCH CLICKS REPEATEDLY

Fucking light bulbs. They put them too high up.

Oh, fuck's sake!

Craig, don't use the downstairs toilet, mate.

The light's not working.

Mum said you have to fix it.

She's always trying to get us to fix stuff, innit?

She says she's sick of shitting in the dark,

makes it way more intense to what it needs to be.

Yeah, it is quite intense. You don't know where you're at with the wipes.

Hello, Lavender. Miche speaking.

OK, yeah, I'll just put you on hold.

So this is my new work.

This is Lavender Hair & Beauty.

At the moment, I'm on a probation period,

so that sort of means I'm on a, er...

It's like an audition, but it's for the role of a hairdresser.

So, yeah.

Yeah, would that be the full body or is that the half wax?

OK, great. I'll just put you on hold.

Hello, Lavender. Miche speaking.

Yeah, what sort of therapy or procedure would you be interested in today?

Yep. I'll just pop you on hold.

-You all right, Miche?

-Oh, Tanya!

Yeah, just practising my phone technique.

Is there a hold button?

No.

Oh, OK.

KNOCK ON DOOR

There's the door. Get the door, please, Angel.

I don't need to constantly hang around with a little girl.

That's weird.

People get arrested for things like that. Why should I be doing that?

And then, people are going to see me, like,

"What? He just hangs around with little chicks?"

-And no-ones going to respect me no more.

-She's your daughter.

Go give Grindah his jacket, as well.

-You lot...

-Yeah, we'll follow you.

-All right, sweet.

Chabuddy is recruiting.

It's official, guys.

Yeah? Know what I mean?

No questions here, as well. You don't need any visa.

You know there's a lot of guys out there at the moment

who are looking for work and today I am their knight in shiny armour.

I remember how happy I was when I got my first job.

It was in Lahore. I was 12 years old.

And I had the opportunity to work for Nissan.

Blown away.

Unfortunately, when I got there,

I realised it was just a prawn-peeling factory

and my boss's nickname was Nissan.

Cos he drove a Nissan, isn't it?

Are you struggling to find work?

Do you like clothes and money AND women?

Then this might be the opportunity for you.

Come down to my sweatshop, to my warehouse...

Come down to my warehouse and get some work in, mate.

# Hype-hype riddem and sound

# Hype-hype riddem and sound

# Hype-hype riddem and sound

# The music-music makes me down

# Hype-hype riddem and sound

# Hype-hype riddem and sound

# Hype-hype riddem and sound

# The music-music makes me down

# Hype for the riddem is oh seleck

# Hype for the riddem is oh seleck

# MC Grindah with the intellect

# I say hype for the riddem It's a boom seleck! #

Can we get rid of all these ashtrays and that, cos of Angel?

Do you need me to blaze this outside, as well?

Good point, actually.

Don't want her to develop a taste for it too early.

Angel's been spending a lot more time with Grindah and Decoy

since I've been working, so, yeah, that's nice.

-MAN:

-How is Grindah finding it with you not around as much?

Oh, well, I think Grindah's coping now I'm working.

There were a few problems at first,

because he couldn't quite understand when his meal times were.

So I had to leave him sort of little boxes in the fridge of all his different food

and I'd send him a message or whatever when he should eat it.

# Man, like Angel, stepping up, stepping in. #

Don't clang any of the mixes though, yeah?

We're live on air, yeah?

# Selecta, selecta

# Kurupt FM. #

I push this like this?

-No, don't...

-Chill out, mate. Just...

Yeah, but I spent ages setting that up.

-I reckon we should just take her out, man.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Angel, where would you like to go?

I want to go to Nana's.

She's constantly, like, "Oh, Nana does this, Nana does that."

She's just trying to throw it in my face.

And I know what Angel's doing. She's clever.

She wants me to rise to that,

so that I can be the best father I can be.

And for that, mate, I respect her.

OK, change of plan.

All right, do your jacket up. Put yourself over there.

You all right to look after it all till Miche gets back?

-Yeah, man, of course. Yeah, definitely.

-Sweet.

I can trust you, yeah?

Yeah! When have I ever let you down recently?

You can go back in now, Steves, mate.

See you in a bit.

Bloody government, always trying to hold you down, isn't it, you know?

I'm offering a job where you can be your own boss.

Just jump in my van and do exactly what I tell you.

Hello, mate. Do you want a job? Jump in the van, mate.

Anyone want a job?

Recruiting is about confidence.

One thing that people love is confidence.

I can sell anything to anyone, anywhere, any time, anywho,

any what, why, where, who, why, when.

Vintage, madam. Look at that.

Cash money, bro.

Wait till I pull up in the Merc, yeah?

They're going to see the tash and the shoes,

they're going to say, "Yes, that's my new boss."

I don't get it. You know, in the films,

they jump straight into your van.

You open the doors, they come in.

Maybe it only works with Mexicans.

Where can I find some Mexicans?

If you put something in for about six weeks,

-once your regrowth has come through, yeah?

-Yeah, OK, great.

And then that's £50 for today, thank you.

-There you go.

-Oh, lovely, thanks.

Erm, great.

And so I hope you enjoyed your Lavender experience.

-Thank you very much.

-Have a great day.

When I first worked here, I didn't actually know what Lavender meant.

But, obviously, I Googled it

and, yeah, I found out that it is a tone of purple.

-MAN:

-And it smells of lavender in here, as well.

Er, well, it's purple.

The plant, I mean.

No, this is a colour.

What about the picture behind you?

Yeah, it's purple.

No, the plant.

Yeah, no, it's a purple plant. Is that what you mean?

# Pure Kuruption... #

You seen this?

It's normally Grindah's chair but,

as acting head honcho today, I can use it.

Being second-in-command involves actually taking on

the more stressful side of the work.

I'd better not overdo it, though.

So it's part and parcel of the game, really, innit?

I'm like a paramedic. I'm always on call.

Right about now, you're locked into the sounds of the legendary,

the absolute number one,

Kurupt FM 108.9 on your dial!

-Steves!

-Yeah?

Can you make me a tea, please, bruv?

-Yeah.

-Cheers, mate.

-What?

-Bruv, all the lights just went out at the same time.

I think the poltergeist's back.

It's definitely something to do with the electricity.

It is to do with electricity

because poltergeists control the electricity.

-That's what I've been trying to say.

-What?

-Poltergeists control electricity.

-Is it?

Yeah. They take out electricity,

and then they put it on again, but only the TV.

And then you get sucked into the TV

and you're a little girl or something.

Don't get me started on the poltergeists, mate.

I've heard murmured voices through the walls.

I've heard creaking late at night.

All... Other things, as well.

So what other explanation is there?

Supernatural occurrence.

Steves, stop with this poltergeist shit, mate.

You're throwing me off.

Like, I really need to think.

Grindah's going to go mad if he comes back and sees all this.

I'm going to go and check the mirrors,

cos sometimes you can see them in the mirrors.

One, two, three, aaargh!

Oh, my God!

Angel, do the jump, as well!

-Do the jump backwards!

-No!

No, probably not, actually.

Mummy would be furious if you broke something.

Well, the most important thing to me, as a parent,

is seeing my kid happy.

And more importantly than that

is knowing that she loves me more than anyone else in the world.

Like, I know for a fact that Angel loves me more than her nan.

Cos when she draws pictures of the family, Nana's never in them.

If she was, I'd tear it up and Angel knows that.

For example, you've got a beautiful one here that she done.

And it's just me, Angel and her mum, do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, and Decoy, as well.

Just cos he's around quite a lot, so she includes him.

So that's off.

On. Off.

No difference.

On.

It's definitely an electrical issue.

-Call Grindah.

-I'm not calling Grindah, bruv.

We're going to sort it.

Call Chabuds.

Bruv, I'm not calling Chabuds. Cos Grindah will find out.

I'm going to sort it.

Who pays the electricity bills? Does your nan still sort that?

Yeah, she still does all the bills and everything.

Give her a call. I've got credit.

She ain't got a phone, though.

She destroyed it, because I showed her a documentary

about how the government track you through your phone.

That's a good point.

Right. We're going to go see her.

-Now?

-Yeah, now.

We need to sort this out, Steve, I told you.

Right, let me get a zoot for the road.

-Yeah.

-You not got a Rizla?

-We'll get some at the shop.

Have you not got any?

Steve, we don't have time. Pop yourself off.

Angel, up this way, as well. Watch! Watch!

-Get out of the way, it's my turn!

-No, it's not!

-Get out the way!

-Stop!

-Oh, get out the way, it's my turn.

Stop!

Don't do that!

All right, get out of the way! Get out of the way!

-Oh, look, you can go like this, as well!

-Stop it!

Your nan couldn't do that, could she?

Hey...! Backwards, as well!

She's really cute. How old is she?

No, she's not mine. None of them are.

Oh, whatever, mate.

Who do you think they like more out of you and me?

"Oh, my child can't go on the slide."

Or me, the one who does it backwards, mate?

You see that?

I just went on the thing backwards!

-They'd never seen anything like it.

-You killed it, man. I seen you.

Her nan could never do anything like that in her pathetic little life.

Phew!

There you go, bro.

Nice one.

-Hey, there she is!

-Here she is.

Have you got the phone? Going to call Beats.

Oh, he's not answering.

He's probably mixing, man.

Yeah, maybe.

-If she has stopped paying the electricity, that is just proper selfish, Steves.

-Hello, Lorna.

Hello, Steves.

Happy girl, we call her.

Don't touch anything.

Hi, Steve.

How are you?

Just normal, innit?

Steves...

I'm going to wait here.

Old people weird me out a bit.

-In-and-out job with your nan, all right?

-In and out?

-Yeah.

"Never too old to dream big and set new goals."

Once you go past 40, mate, do you know what I mean?

Give up.

Literally.

Here she is.

Oh, Na-na! What's going on?

Oh, what a surprise!

-Yes.

-I didn't expect you.

How you doing, all right? What's going on? Good?

-Lovely.

-What are you lot saying?

Oh! I've got something for you, actually.

I was going to ask you something, as well.

What was it?

Keep them hidden.

Nurse sorted them out for me.

-They're mental.

-They're good, yeah?

Yeah.

Has he been on them? He looks fucked!

Oh, he's always away with the fairies.

"Fire safety for people with sight, hearing and mobility difficulty."

Good luck, do you know what I mean?

They're playing a little bit of footy.

Pretty agile, actually, for their age.

They could be good workers. I might have a little butchers,

see if they're up for a bit of work.

The thing is with these kids, yeah, you've got to relate to them.

You've got to impress them, show them you know a bit about footy.

They used to call me Bombay Becks.

Do you need another player?

All right, let me see the ball, OK?

Just one second, I'll show you some skills and that. Just...

Leave us alone!

Anyway, listen, any of you lot up for a bit of work?

-A bit of cash-in-hand work?

-No.

No?

-Hey, ese, are you Mexican?

-No.

-So you're not up for any work?

-No.

All right.

You lot are shit, anyway.

I've found it hard, man. These kids don't want to work any more.

Like, I was working from the age of eight with a tache, you know?

And it's like these kids just want to lay about on chat roulette,

dicks everywhere, sending dick pics, you know?

Snatch snaps...

What they're into, these kids, it's nothing, really, you know?

It's like, you know?

I might just have one, to be fair.

You all right, Steve? Hello.

You all right? Everyone all right here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just having a little plate of biscuits.

Yes, thank you.

-Really enjoying them, actually, thank you.

-All right, love?

-Definitely.

When we met Steves, he was like, the kid used to live with his nan.

How sad is that? Do you know what I mean?

And then when we come along,

we sort of gave him the push to get her out of the flat

and we started pirate radio, do you know what I mean?

And now look at him now.

He's got the fucking four-till-five graveyard shift on Kurupt FM.

-DJ Steves. He used to just be Steves.

-Yeah.

HE TAKES A SNORT

That's for my back.

Ah, yeah, yeah.

That's a nice little burn at the back of the throat.

Yeah, that's good.

Little hint of wild berry!

-Like she's talking about wine, but it's drugs.

-Yes, yes.

That's a good year, that.

1995 was a very good year for pills.

Yeah.

HE MIMICS HER VOICE: 1995 was a...

Yeah. I can't really do voices.

No.

Wheeeeee!

Angel!

HE WHISTLES

Come here, boy!

There you go. See that?

The secret of parenting. They're basically like dogs.

Just give them sweets and then they just run around. It's easy.

Oh, I'm killing it, aren't I?

Wheeeeee!

Come on, Beats, mate.

PHONE RINGS

-MAN:

-Who's that?

It's Grindah.

PHONE STILL RINGING

Probably wants to know why radio's not on.

-Are you worried?

-Yeah, a little bit, because

if he gets back there and no-ones there, he's going to be fuming.

And we're not on air, so he's going to be even more fuming.

Is it important for Kurupt to stay on air?

Yeah, of course. If you want to be London's leading,

you can, literally, never go down, like.

PHONE STILL RINGING

And again.

PHONE RINGS

I'll just put it away.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Where is Steve, anyway, though?

PHONE RINGS

No, still answer machine.

No, we've got to get back. I'm getting worried now.

Angel!

-We're going.

-Sweets!

-No, no more sweets.

We're going. Come on.

All right, see you lot in a bit, yeah?

-Just catch us up wherever.

-I want to go and play more!

-This way.

I want to play more!

-Life's not all about fun, Angel. You've had too much fun.

-Yes, it is!

If you have too much fun, you can get a headache.

Daddy Grindah gets them all the time and they're not very good.

..because people actually have that voice in real life.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Bruv, we need to do one. Did you find out about the electricity?

Oh, that's what I was going to do.

Did you stop paying the electricity?

Yeah, we got cut off.

That's weird. You're on a meter.

Ah, the meter must have run out.

No, couldn't have. No.

I rigged that meter with a magnet.

What's happened?

Basically, all I know is, yeah,

I was plugging in my new kettle and then I think a poltergeist has...

A new kettle, yeah?

Well, you've blown the fuse, haven't you, you daft twat.

-That's all it is.

-It's the fuse box.

We just go to the kettle and get the fuse box out of it.

Is the fuse box at Steves' flat?

Right, we've got to go.

Fuse box.

Come on, Steves.

-All right. Sorry, Nan. I've got to go.

-Here!

Don't forget these.

-Oh, yeah. You definitely don't need these, yeah?

-No, no. No.

-Oh, that's sweet.

-You'll enjoy them far more than I will.

Probably will, to be fair.

Anyway, I can always get some more, can't I?

"Oooh, I must have lost them. So sorry."

-No, I've got them, Nan. You just gave them to me!

-Oh, no, you great idiot!

-Go on, get out.

-I've got to go.

-Bye, Steves' Nan! Nice to meet you.

-Bye, Nan.

-Cheers.

-She's all right for an old, actually.

-Yeah.

You wally.

-What's going on? Why's...?

-What's up?

Well, it's not picking it up.

It probably don't reach this far.

It barely reaches beyond the blocks, like.

Don't try and blame Kurupt FM

because your shitty little radio ain't up to par.

More sweets!

Just have loads, all right?

If he gets back before us, I'm fucked.

Yeah.

-Is that our bus?

-That's our bus!

All right, let me get the whistle.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Got it from carnival.

-Does that feel OK to you?

-Yeah, that's nice.

-Is the temperature all right for you?

-Yeah.

I've put on quite a lot of foam so it gives you a deeper sort of clean.

Sorry, just bear with me a one second.

-Hurry up.

-What are you doing here?

I've got to get back to the radio, so I've got to drop her off here.

No, no, I don't finish for another hour, though.

Yeah, I'm a little bit early, but better than being late, innit?

-It's a good thing.

-Hiya. You OK, Miche?

Tanya!

Erm, sorry about this.

Er, well, this is my little girl, Angel, who I told you about.

And this is Grindah, who is her dad and my boyfriend.

Oh, and that's just his friend, though.

We're just dropping off the little one.

If she does cause any trouble, a little tip for you,

just give her a load of sweets every few minutes.

And then she'll be happy. Yeah? See you in a bit.

-Really sorry about this.

-Sweet. See you later, girl.

All right, well, Mummy's shampooing.

-No, Mummy's shampooing!

-Angel!

-Mummy just said pooing!

-Mummy said pooing!

-See you later.

Poo! Poo! Poo!

Hi, Angel.

Would you like to have your nails done?

Mummy said pooing!

Sorry, Tanya.

-Angel!

-Maybe just finish up there and then take a little break.

I'm really sorry about this,

-but if you just keep relaxing.

-You're a poo!

Tanya, I'm really sorry, OK?

It's OK. It's fine. It's fine.

-I think she's just had too many sweets.

-Angel! Angel!

You all right, little man-child?

Hey, listen, do you want to make a little bit of extra cash and that,

for, like, your Myspace page, maybe want to pimp it out?

-Facebook and that.

-Excuse me?

Hello.

Come on, Steves, mate, we haven't got time.

Bruv!

Bruv, do you want any of these?

Steves, we need to find the fucking fuse box, mate!

Where did your nan say it was?

Do you reckon the government just give old people, like, drugs

-just to try it out on them, sort of thing?

-Fucking hell.

Because, like, if they die, then it's not suspicious circumstances.

What's wrong with you? Grindah could be back any second.

You fucking moron! We need to find it now.

Oh, man...

Quick! Don't you even care?

I might just bosh a load of these because I'm not really feeling it right now.

Such a freak!

What does it even look like? Is it a different colour to a normal box?

It's a box that has electricity inside it!

Have you checked these ones?

-I can't even hear the tunes, man.

-Don't point it upwards.

Don't film that bit.

I'll look in the kitchen.

You getting anything in there, Steves?

No.

Get in, get in.

Don't let me down, Beats, mate.

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

Easy, boys. What's going on?

-Yeah, man, nothing.

-Good.

-Everything running smoothly, innit?

-Yeah, yeah.

Nice, nice.

We got the old power back up and running and that.

What? Yeah, what?

What?

Steven, you're getting slightly confused with your new medication.

Yeah? Do you want to carry on doing your record bag? Thank you.

It is really tough to run Kurupt Radio.

It's not that tough for me, because I'm naturally gifted.

Do you know what I mean?

-It's back-breaking labour for you, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

Oh...

Who's...

Who's changed the lumbar support on this?

Who's been on my seat?

I think Steves may have used it earlier to do his records.

Steves, mate.

It's my seat. Beats knows that.

He'd never touch it.

I'm having blackouts again.

I don't even remember doing that.

-Easy. You good, yeah?

-Yeah.

Watch out, because Angel's been sick on the carpet.

Probably all the bloody excitement she had today.

-She had, like, loads of sweets and that.

-Yeah?

It was sort of just a big sort of spray of multicoloured jelly.

Oh, not that bad, then, really, as sick goes.

-She said she had a nice day, anyway.

-Nice day?

Angel!

Angel, did you say you and Daddy had a nice day?

-No, we had the best day ever, didn't we?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Better than with your nana, innit?

Yeah, high-five. High-five.

-Boom. There you have it, people!

-Keep your voice down.

I am officially better than your mum!

-Tell your mum.

-I should probably get going.

-Cool, mate. Nice one.

-Bye, Decoy. See you tomorrow.

Oh, man!

That's actually put me in a great mood, to be honest. Yeah.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Weh-hey!

So listen, I thought I'd come and chat with Grindah.

See if anyone was up for a little bit of work.

Yeah? No, they're all gone.

I've just been sort of just here on my own, actually,

just finishing up for the night and that.

I've just realised that I've sorted the entire vinyl collection.

It's all in order now. Alphabetical.

-INTERVIEWER:

-What do your nan's drugs actually do?

It just livens you up. Livens you up.

Because old people, they slow down at that age.

So if you aren't old and then you do that,

you're moving at double the speed.

Stevie, what time do you finish, mate?

SWITCH CLICKS ON AND OFF REPEATEDLY

Roche.

OK.

You heard of these little things called 40-watt light bulbs?

Yeah, yeah, replace them up sometimes, fuse boxes, whatever.

I could do washing machines, whatever you're after, really.

Chill.

Anyone need a shit?

-Already had two today.

-No, you go for it, love.

Well, actually, I wonder if I left the bathroom light on downstairs.

Hm...

Oh, you fixed it?

Thanks, love. Not just a pretty face, are you?

Exactly.

It's amazing when he's like this, you know?

He's like a machine.

And everyone says he's some brain-dead weirdo!

-Huh?

-No, nothing.

I can't wait for the world to see

our replica designer brand, you know?

Look at this!

Limited edition Rolf Lauren.

Polo, mate.

-Jockey's bigger than the horse on that.

-Exactly!

This guy is great.

Dream job, innit?

Stay focused, Stevie. Stay focused.

TOILET FLUSHES

She's finished.

How was it?

Oh, get out my house!