Record Deal People Just Do Nothing

-Beats, come on. Beats look lively, mate, look lively, come on.

-Yep.

Leave this alone.

You've made a new track, then?

Yeah, Grindah's been playing it, like, loads on Kurupt.

# MC Grindah...

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Leaving every MC down on the floor... #

What you doing? Get up! You're meant to be standing.

'The other night I literally played it for three hours straight,

'so that anyone that locked in would literally just be brainwashed'

into loving it, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I actually still feel a bit knackered from it.

-So you performed it all live?

-Yeah. Of course.

-Yeah, we performed it all live.

-Three hours live, back-to-back.

# Beats and Grindah killed an MC

# Someone take him to A&E

# Perform some lyrical surgery... #

Put that fucking joint down now.

'Are you not worried people'll get bored of it?

'People don't get bored with shit like that.

'It's called a marketing strategy.

'Basically just getting into people's heads,'

-you know what I mean? Basic psychology.

-Room 101.

-Yeah.

No, still the midpoint reload. Do it again.

You don't see Van Damme sitting down.

We're here for a very special meeting with Excel Records.

-Let's just say we're getting a record deal today.

-Yeah!

Let's just say they finally realised that we are the future of new music.

-We don't even like new music.

-Yeah, exactly.

It is like the future of music that still sounds like it's in 2002.

Like, it's complicated.

It's sort of industry sort of shit, you wouldn't understand.

Yeah, you wouldn't get it.

-BUZZER RINGS

-I can't believe we're here.

-'Hello.'

-Hi there. Chabuddy G here with the Kurupt FM boys.

We're here to get a record deal.

'Sorry, do you have a meeting with someone?'

Erm, no, I haven't got a meeting, I've got...

-I've got a delivery.

-You said you had a meeting.

-We're in, just...

-'OK, give me a minute.'

A trick, a little trick.

'The first rule of the music industry'

is that the music doesn't matter. It's about who you know.

That's why it's very useful to have a manager like me.

I mean, I don't know anyone,

but they don't know that I don't know anyone,

so they know that I don't know that they know.

Smart.

Relax. Balls, balls.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Hi.

-Do you have a delivery?

-No, I don't have a delivery,

but can we get a meeting?

No, sorry.

You fuckin'...

It's all right. It's their loss.

You said we had a meeting.

We do have a meeting, it's just that this is a... This is a warm-up.

Come on. On to the next one!

OK, I'm going to be making notes throughout the day,

but otherwise just pretend like I'm not here.

-You all set, Miche?

-Yeah, no, I'm just checking the...

Good. They're all straight.

'So basically to get the hairdressing qualification,

'I need to do a test.'

I have had a few tests in my life before.

I tried to do my driving test - that didn't really go to plan.

I'm not really into pressure.

If I can relax a bit more, then I can get it done

and not write off the car.

-Good. They're all straight.

-Don't be nervous, you'll be fine.

No, I just, I want it to go really well today.

It will go really well. You've got everything done.

-Just try and...

-HAIRDRYER WHIRS

-OK, good, yeah, that's a good temperature.

-Relax.

Yeah, I am.

So, do you know anyone at this one?

Who don't I know, mate?

Listen, listen, OK? These are top dogs.

We need to basically just act important, yeah?

-And just head straight for the lifts.

-OK.

All right, keep it down, yeah? Keep it down.

-Come on.

-There's no buzzer or anything.

Shh! We're going through. Come on.

Good morning. I'm here for work.

Top floor, top dogs.

-Another day.

-Just trying to act naturally.

Yeah, be natural. Just blend in, blend in.

So would you say you are in it for money or glory?

I'm in it for the passion, mate. That is why I do it.

I'm in it to lyrically destroy anyone that listens to it,

do you know what I mean?

If money comes with that, then that's a bonus round, isn't it?

And I'm just here for the ride.

Wherever it may take thee.

I'd say I'm in it for the money.

BEEPING Shut up, shut up.

Beating it up?

Intense, innit?

OK, get in, get in, get in, get in.

Press the button. Get in.

Fucking hell, all the walls are made of windows.

I don't even know what's wall any more.

You have to get used to this, mate.

Atlantic! Atlantic.

-The lost city.

-Yeah.

Is this him?

Hello. You must be Steves.

-Yes, I am.

-Welcome to Lavender Hair And Beauty.

Hello, Miche.

Are you Miche? I don't know if you're Miche yet.

So are you allowed to use friends in the test?

Yeah! I mean, it's not cheating.

It's called, like, it's sourcing your own model.

It's an industry thing.

So... So it's definitely not cheating.

But if Tanya finds out, then, yeah, I would fail.

-Thank you.

-Great.

-Nice to meet you.

Great. And if you'd just like to take a seat in our waiting area?

-Sure.

-Excellent.

Sorry if I stink of draw. I've got a queue in my bag.

I've got yours in here as well, actually.

-Yeah, that's fine. We'll just...

-OK.

Sort it out later.

Cool.

This is it.

-Look.

-Excuse me, can I help you with anything?

Hello. What's your position, role in the company?

Are you looking for anyone in particular or...?

Yeah, someone actually pretty important.

Erm... Matt... Marty, Martin.

I forget his name.

Is it someone from the A&R team?

That's it. A&R, that's his name.

A&R, yeah. Tell him it's Chabuddy G, with a hard D.

Chabud-dy G.

Also, Kurupt FM.

-So he'll know.

-108.9.

-On your dial.

Hiya, Josh, have you got any appointments today?

There's a group down here with a camera and everything.

Say Kurupt FM. Say Kurupt FM.

Yeah, no, I thought so.

All right. Cheers, leave it with me.

All right, bye.

Erm... Yeah. He'll be down in about five,

so if I just pop you over to the waiting room.

He's going to come down now?

Yeah, he'll be down in about five minutes.

Just wait over in the waiting room. I'll just show you.

So, A&R is his surname? Shall I call him Mr A&R?

It's the department he works for.

He'll be down in a minute. Is there anything I can get you?

-Tea or coffee?

-Oh, no. You've been amazing. You've done enough.

-All right.

-You've outstayed your welcome, thank you.

Let's just say we won't forget about you once we get the...

OK, you know where my desk is if you need anything.

-All right.

-Thanks very much for your help.

-It's a record deal.

-Be cool.

-We are getting a record deal.

-Are you a real customer?

-Yeah.

So I went for Steves as my model just because he has a sort of

a fashion model look about him.

You know, sort of weirdly tall and thin, he's got the cheekbones.

Plus he was the only one that would do it.

But I think with the right haircut,

he could look a bit like a supermodel,

like Kate Moss or Naomi Campbell.

Can I get you a drink?

Drink?

Tea, coffee?

Did you have a drink?

No, no drink, thank you.

Bruv, 14 years in the making, bruv.

We're here. Oh, mate... Look at these awards.

We'll probably get awards. But probably won't win them

cos we're too underground for that.

Who wants awards anyway?

Look at this. CLATTERING

Maybe you should put that back up. Put it back, they might...

-Just in case.

-I think he's coming.

Play it cool. Play it cool.

Do you want to pop all your stuff up here

and then just meet me at my chair?

-Lovely. And just your hat as well.

-Oh, yeah, the hat as well.

I don't really like getting my hair cut, to be honest.

I find it really intense, staring at myself in the mirror for ages.

I feel like the mirror version of myself

is going to do something weird.

I don't trust him.

Don't... Don't panic.

And so what sort of thing are you looking for today?

Is that...? Oh, she's there again.

Erm... I would like a French crop, please.

-A French crop, brilliant.

-French crop, please.

-Work with the texture of...

-Yeah, exactly,

we'll work with this sort of dry and thick texture.

There's a little bit in the middle where it's sort of matted together.

I think it's the start of, like, a dreadlock

but you can probably get it out.

That's him. I think that's him.

Is that him?

Act normal and laid-back. Like you don't give a shit.

-They love that.

-Hi, I'm Josh.

-Hello, mate.

Part of the A&R team.

-Hi, Josh.

-Chabuddy G, manager of Kurupt FM.

I'm Kurupt FM CEO, MC Grindah.

-Yes.

-No, I recognise you guys.

Oh, penny's dropped.

People Who Do Nothing?

-That's us!

-So you're serious.

You guys want to make music now?

-Yeah.

-Are we serious?

I'll let you be the judge of that, mate.

-Yeah, we're serious.

-Let him be the judge of it!

Right, if you...

-Shall we have a meeting?

-Yeah, come this way.

-Are we having a meeting?

-Yes.

-So is this your office?

Yeah, it is. Let's keep it down. There's a lot of people working.

HE MOANS GENTLY

Sorry. Is this all right? Cos you're Grindah's girl.

It's fine. I'm just going to get you to sit back and relax

and maybe just not talk for a bit.

Where's the armholes?

There aren't any armholes, so we're just going to, just...

I don't want the shampoo in my eyes.

I won't let it get in your eyes, it's fine.

-I'm keeping it back.

-The government put chemicals in shampoo.

To keep us blind.

'Being a hairdresser is about more than just cutting hair.

'You've got to be a people person, you know?'

So a lot of the customers you might think, "Who is that?

"Why are they here? They're disgusting."

You've got to be able to get on with people from all walks of life.

Even the ones who can't walk.

We've got a ramp, so...

What shampoo have you got, actually?

-What are you using?

-Shall I read the label out to you?

Read out the back. If it's government approved

then we need to start questioning it.

"Warning, avoid contact with eyes."

See, this is it, this is exactly what I mean.

# MC Grindah, I'm a raver

# When I'm at the mic, we add a flavour

# When I blaze in the haze up in the paper

# Holding the mic like a lightsaber

# And I'm lyrically knocking out Darth Vader... #

Thank you.

What that was, Josh, that was one of my earlier compositions.

I think what I was trying to say with that

was that the mic is my weapon

and I am all-round better than Darth Vader.

That's... Well, it's powerful, it's great.

Thank you very much for letting me hear it.

We've got that ghost box...

Oh, mate, your water's off.

That's fizzy water.

Fizzy water?

You lot have got more money than sense.

Time is money. You're a busy man, I'm a busy man, yeah?

Money talks, bullshit walks.

Let's do some talking, baby, yeah?

Get ready for the Kurupt FM world exclusivity contract.

Get your fucking pen ready, mate,

because you are going to want to sign the shit out of us

once you've heard this.

-There you go, mate.

-Play it.

TRACK PLAYS

Eye contact, Josh, eye contact.

It might sound a bit tinny cos it's off the phone.

This will be available on all formats as well,

so CD, MiniDisc, MP3, MP4, MP5...

-What about MP6?

-Yeah, we can do that.

ON PHONE: # MC Grindah...

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw... #

Leaving every MC dead, like, in their own blood.

These guys are a phenomenon.

They need to be promoted, you know what I mean?

So who better to...? I can sell the shit out of anything, mate.

I have the gab of the gift.

So I can just literally talk my way out of a bloody cardboard box, mate.

-No, he's not getting it.

-Guys, I've got it.

-You need to hear the bass.

-I've got it.

-You need the whole experience.

-I've got headphones.

-Honestly...

You haven't had the whole experience!

-You haven't had the whole experience, mate.

-Thank you.

Please, give it a go with the headphones!

Just put it in there. Hold him down. Put it in his ear.

-Thank you so much.

-Josh, you haven't heard it with headphones.

-Talk to my solicitor.

-You haven't heard it with the headphones yet!

-You're a talented bunch.

-Josh, please.

-I don't need the headphones.

-Please.

-Thank you. Security, can we sort this out?

We're not going to stay, mate. Freaks.

Yeah? Fucking keep looking, mate.

Lucky the cameras are rolling or I might have to ...

Not even fucking listening. Great.

Why don't we sell direct to the record shops

like Wiley and that used to do back in the day?

-Let's just do that.

-Let's go.

-What, now? You going now?

-What do you mean?

-Of course.

-I've got to go to dad classes with Roche.

If I'm late, she's going to switch.

Oh, great.

Have you been more bossy since you got pregnant?

No, I have not been more bossy, have I?

-Yes.

-No.

-Let's just go. Come on.

-All right, you lot.

See you in a bit, yeah.

Does it cause friction?

What, arguments?

If he pushes too far, yeah.

Especially with the hormones now.

I didn't really know what hormones were,

but they are basically just these tiny balls of anger

that live inside women.

Brilliant. You're doing really well. If you want to just...

-Keep facing...

-Keep facing forward, yeah, that's it.

-And then...

-It's looking good.

Thank you.

Sorry, I saw here in the reflection

so I thought I'd check if she's there.

OK, well, let's do a little bit with the clippers.

Are these all doing tests as well?

No, they're already professional hairdressers.

-So what have we gone for?

-I usually work with darker hair than this,

this is a lot lighter than it would normally be,

so that is why it looks a little bit mad at the moment.

Just relax, take your time, work with the texture of the hair.

-And you will be fine.

-Great, OK.

Thank you, Tanya. Let's just...

-It is going really well.

-Oh, my God.

I just love cutting hair!

Do you reckon it is going to be much longer?

I've got to link with Alfie Danger in a bit.

I just need a couple more minutes.

Nearly done.

-We're selling some of these bad boys.

-Yeah, exactly.

Let me do the talking, yeah? You know who we are in there.

Hello, boss, how are you doing? All right, yeah? Good, good.

Hello, mate. Chabuddy G, manager of Kurupt FM.

-Corrupt...?

-Kurupt FM. You know who we are.

Stop showing off in front of the camera.

Let me ask you a question, mate.

-How's business?

-It is all right.

-What if I told you you could double that?

-Double what?

Just double it.

The key to being a good salesman is knowing how to sell your product.

OK, for example, how much would you give me for this watch?

Oh, fuck.

It's got a dodgy strap, it must have fallen off.

OK, I'll tell you what,

let me look for the watch and then ask the question again, OK?

-So you remember Get Out Of The Way?

-No.

-Yes, you do. Good.

This is the follow-up single from that.

-Right.

-All right? Play the tune.

TRACK PLAYS

-Of course, that's the heart monitor. It's a theme song.

-All right.

TALKING ALONG: This direction...

I think it might be MC Grindah...

Who?!

# MC Grindah...

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Leaving every MC down on the floor... #

PHONE RINGS

Roche? Yeah, I'm at dad classes. Where are you?

I can't go in on my own, it's a bit weird.

Do you feel more mature, then?

'Do I feel more mature?'

Look what I'm dropping these days.

I mean, check out the chinos.

Just hurry up, yeah? Bye.

When you walk into a place with chinos on,

they know you're a real man.

Fuck's sake.

# What you gonna say now, what you gonna do

# When Beats and Grindah are coming for you? #

Do you like it?

Er...

Keep listening.

# Beats and Grindah up on the track

# Guess you could call that double impact

# Why are we so lyrically thick?

# Cos we were training, punching a tree for a week... #

REWIND EFFECT

Is that a rewind in the song?

Exactly. It's the midpoint reload.

-And it goes back to the start?

-Spot on, he has heard of it, yeah.

The midpoint reload is really going to change

-people's enjoyment of music.

-Exactly.

-OK.

-In a good way.

-Right.

I'm just not sure they'll sell.

All right, let me stop you there, mate. I am sure they'll sell.

So who are you going to listen to?

You - "Oh, I'm not really sure, I'm insecure,"

or me that knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't think it's going to happen.

All right, good, because maybe you're not going to happen, then.

What's that mean?

Exactly, what's that mean?

-Don't.

-With your tiny little shop.

-Freak.

-Sorry about that.

Yeah? How about that?

FAINT CLATTER

Have fun cleaning that up.

I told you I was going to do the talking.

-Just a little bit of business.

-That's why you fucked it up.

-I thought you knew him, you said...

-I did know him. He was showing off.

-Are you waiting for someone?

-Yeah.

Come in and wait, that's fine.

Roche thought it would be a good idea actually

if we went on a parenting course.

It was when he asked whether babies

ever come out of the arsehole by accident.

Well, that's a simple mistake to make, mate -

they are very close to each other.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

Hi. Tina, 25 weeks and we're having a boy, little Tyler.

Oh, named him already. Congratulations.

I'm Darren. Obviously, I'm not pregnant

but, erm, was involved in the process!

-Hello, I'm Jack.

-Hello, Jack.

Hello, I'm Laura. I'm 23 weeks

-and we've actually decided to keep it a surprise.

-Good for you.

Lots of people do. Not everyone wants everyone to know,

-so there we go.

-Hello. Erm...

My name is Kevin Bates, AKA Beats, AKA the Albino Seal.

-Right.

-And, erm...

-This is a picture of my partner, Roche.

-Right.

She's not here yet cos she had an emergency at work.

-Ah, so she's joining?

-Yes.

-She's coming.

-That's all right, man,

you can have a go on mine if she doesn't turn up.

-Love that. What's your name, mate?

-Darren. This is Tina.

-Hello, Tina.

Don't worry, I don't want to have a go on you.

I mean, I would, if... And you weren't...

I'm afraid we're going to have to start now.

-How are we getting on?

-Yeah, we're nearly done,

aren't we, Steves? Finishing touches.

-Sorry.

-It's good that you're so comfortable.

I get weird about haircuts.

I did a load of Valium earlier.

-Just to calm me down.

-Ah...

-Why not, eh?

-Yeah.

Just get him finished up and out.

-OK.

-Yeah?

-OK.

-Cool.

OK.

It's always better with a bit of gel, innit? I'm just going to...

This is where you'll really see a transformation.

Wow.

OK, so, would you like to just hold your baby

how you think a baby would be held?

Just support the neck, Kevin.

Doing a lovely job there.

-All right? Sorry I'm late.

-Oh, hello. Oh, you must be...

-Hello there.

-My dad used to do that.

Wahey!

Kevin, we are treating these dolls like babies.

Yeah, I know, but they're not.

-INTERVIEWER:

-Do you have high expectations for Beats

at birth time?

I have high expectations of Kevin

but I also am aware of what Kevin will be able to do.

So, in the sense that I have high expectations

of what I would like him to do but I've very low expectations

of what I actually expect him to do.

But babies, do they like sort of jokes and that?

You know, like, not proper jokes but joke stuff?

Babies like to laugh, of course, like everybody.

They've the same emotions as us.

Brilliant. Wow.

I like how you did a little space in between each strand.

Do you like that? That's my own little technique actually, so...

-Yeah.

-Can I ask you if I can get a picture of the hair?

Just to put on my gallery.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Perfect.

-Model shot.

-Modelling.

-OK.

Smile.

Great. OK. Perfect.

So I think we're all done now.

Here, take that off, yeah.

Great. I love it.

VIP treatment.

All right. Do you want me to give you this thing now or...?

-No, no. Not here.

-Bit bait?

-Yeah.

-All right.

-OK. Wow.

God. You look like a footballer or something.

-Yeah?

-Proper... Proper celebrity look.

-Wow.

-Better with a hat on, though, innit?

Look like a crack-head without the hat.

-All right. See you later.

-Bye.

-Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, wow.

He's put the hat straight on. What's he doing?

He smelt of drugs. He smelt of drugs.

It just seems pointless. You can't sell things on the internet.

-How do you get the money?

-Mate, trust me, OK?

Everyone's doing it right now, OK?

People don't want to go to the shop to buy music.

People don't want to go to labels, mate.

It's all about downloading, yeah?

The internet.

Nah, cos I still reckon the internet

is going to blow over any day.

No, mate. Trust me, OK?

Think about it. Right now we live in the now generation.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-People want everything NOW.

-OK?

-Yeah.

-Instant coffee.

Fast food. Fast internet.

-Yeah.

-Even fast sex.

Three minutes max. You know what I mean?

Get it in. Stick it back out. Clean yourself up. Get the hell out.

-You know what I mean?

-I don't even know

what you're talking about any more.

You started off and then always just go back down to sex.

Yes. Sorry. I'm just...

very sexually frustrated at the moment.

Yeah. That's...

You did great today, Miche.

-Thank you.

-Looks like we've got a natural hairdresser in our midst.

Oh, thanks.

You did well actually cos he was a bit of a tricky customer.

He was off his face actually.

Druggie eyes. I knew that.

Yeah. Well, you know what they say.

You've got to handle people from all walks of life

as a hairdresser, so...

I was just doing my job really.

That is very true.

Well, next time you come in, Mrs Beaumont,

it might be our Miche here cutting your hair.

Oh, my God. I mean, I would love that.

I've never cut long hair before

so it would be really a dream come true.

Have you ever thought of going a bit shorter?

So, what I want you to do is open your nappies.

And I want you to tell me whether you think you've got a healthy nappy

or an unhealthy nappy.

Eurgh. That is mental.

-Is that real?

-No, it's not real. Calm down.

-'Scuse me?

-Yes?

-Is that real?

-No, Kevin, it's not real.

It's just for the purposes of the exercise.

-Cool.

-So when a baby's first born their faeces are very dark...

Yeah. It's mustard.

Sorry, does that mean that it's unhealthy?

What do you think, Kevin?

I think it would be a bit painful to shit out pure mustard.

That's Darren. That's Darren.

It's just mustard for the purposes of the exercise.

-What did you get?

-Peanut butter, man.

-Peanut butter?

Yeah, seriously, you could spread that shit on some toast.

It's just representative. This is just representing poos...

I've had shits like peanut butter before. Eurgh!

Can we settle please so we can learn?

-Can we settle so we can learn?

-Disgusting.

And there we go.

It's official. Our records are now available to purchase

-exclusively online.

-Oh, mate.

That's embarrassing. I've now been officially signed to eBay, mate.

I am now the CEO of Kurupt FM Worldwide.

-Oh!

-Trust me.

-Baby.

# Celebrate good times. #

Come on!

Whack it in there.

-Big ups, brother.

-Big ups.

-To Kurupt FM Worldwide.

To Kurupt FM Worldwide.

-Shall we say pick-up only?

-Yeah.

-Make sure they come to Brentford.

In five years' time, where do you see yourselves?

I'll probably be... I'll probably move to a nice part of Hounslow.

I'll probably get a double Portakabin.

So, a double-decker Portakabin.

We're going to have a castle in Jamaica/clubhouse.

That's one of my plans. Come down on holiday to Jamaica.

Yeah. I'll visit these boys in Jamaica.

-I'll still be micromanaging them.

-Yeah.

-From my office in Hounslow.

I'll tell you what, actually. Look.

You've signed this one, so it's a limited edition.

So we could probably charge more for that.

Love that. Whack it on for a grand.

Really, what? A grand?

Two grand actually - you're right.

I think any more than that might limit sales.

Oh. That's lovely, that is.

So there are three basic stages to labour.

You've got the dilation.

And this is when you'll probably notice

some discharge from your vagina.

Basically, the mucus plug that's been keeping infection

from going into your womb and affecting your baby,

this is when it passes out.

-All the membrane...

-Is that only if it goes wrong?

No. This is if it all goes well.

We haven't even got to the bad stuff yet.

Look at that.

That's mad. Our single is literally worth more than anyone's on there.

What does that tell you?

Tells you I'm better than them. That's what that tells you.

Look at that.

What these boys done is incredible.

-Our own label.

-Trust me.

Kurupt FM will always be ground-breaking.

Yeah? Like we'll just hit the ground running and break it.

-Yeah.

-Free champagne.

It's all part of the music life.

We'll take it out of the first pay cheque.

-Well, it wasn't signed off.

-It was signed off at management level.

Overruled by CEO.

We don't need some mucky label telling us what to do.

-Giving us bare money.

-Yeah.

Cos no amount would be enough.

Do you know what I mean? You can't put a price on what we're worth.

-Exactly. We're worthless.

-Exactly.