New Friends People Just Do Nothing

OK, everyone? Right, we're going to watch a video on breast-feeding,

and hopefully this video's going to

make you feel increasingly comfortable about it, so... Enjoy.

Get off to a good start with these tips on positioning.

Correct positioning and attachment will prevent damage to the nipples.

You'll get better and better at following his cues.

-He may want both breasts at a time...

-Tit!

-Tit!

You can offer the second when it's appropriate.

Shhh, shhh, shhh.

Your nipple should be opposite your baby's nose...

It's like the end of a Pepperami.

THEY LAUGH

Right, you are this close.

Darren is my new, very, very good mate that I met at dad classes.

It's going pretty well. I actually feel like there's something there,

do you know what I mean? We're just going to take it slow

and see what happens, really, but, yeah, really good.

We've got a Dazzler.

This is your final warning.

Do you understand? Do you understand, Darren?

Yep.

Tickle her lips with the end of your nipple.

THEY LAUGH

Wait until the baby's mouth is wide open, then...

I love tits.

-All right, that's it.

-What?

I didn't even want to come here in the first place.

This was for you, not for me.

Hang on.

What?

Roche. I just thought they looked like Pepperamis.

Angel, door!

-Hello.

-Hello, you must be Angel.

-Yeah.

-You ready? This is Becky, by the way.

Hi, nice to meet you.

-Yep.

-One sec, Decoy.

-Mummy?

-Yes?

-Decoy loves her.

Ssshhhh, shut up.

-MICHE:

-He doesn't, they've only just started seeing each other.

It's nothing serious, so it's...

Right, I'm off. See you in a bit, yeah?

-Come on, let's go.

-Say bye to Daddy.

-See ya.

-So, are you a loving family?

Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

We always tell each other that we love each other, don't we?

I love a lot of things, like.

I love radio,

food and that...

Yeah, yeah.

-Uh, actually...

-Aw.

-Sorry, I forgot...

I need it for fags and that.

Maybe just don't take it out of the wedding fund.

No, it's fine, I need it for zoots.

I'll put back whatever change I have later, yeah?

See you later.

What do you think life will be like when you're married?

-It's going to be amazing, isn't it?

-Yeah.

It's going to be such a big change. We'll be set for life, won't we?

You know, get married and that's it, just happily ever after.

Yeah. Happily ever after.

It's proper chapping, innit?

I'm freezing.

Yeah. What's this shit?

You know I need jungle to wake me up in the morning.

Miche is doing my nut in, man.

Why, what's up?

Just all the wedding shit, innit?

Getting married and that, like.

That's sick though, right?

-Not really.

-No?

I should take a leaf out of your book.

-Get a younger team.

-Yeah.

You got a sister?

-No.

-Oh.

Steves'.

Steves'.

-SINGS:

-Na, na, na, na-na-na-na. Na, na, na, na-na-na.

-There he is, my favourite grandson.

-How you doing?

I'm her only grandson, so I win by default.

I wanted to come and present you

with AKA ten pounds.

Oh, what's it for?

For the goody bag you gave me the other day.

Cos I've got a job now, so I'm going to start paying you.

How's the new job?

It's all right, yeah. It's sort of my dream job in a way.

-If it was, like, quite a boring dream.

-Oh.

-You have it.

-You sure?

-You might find it'll come in useful.

I feel like you should have it.

I'll have the tenner if no-one wants it.

Shut up, Peter.

All right.

See you later.

Yeah. See ya.

-Oh, thank you.

-It's all right.

Do you want me to cook tonight for you?

-Yeah...

-Bruv? Hurry up, cos we're already late to Radio.

-All right.

-I'll see you tonight, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Ugh.

Hurry up.

HORN BEEPS

Decoy! Fucking hurry up, mate!

All right, coming, coming, coming.

-See you later.

-See you later!

-What's up, man? Fucking hell.

-"What's up, man, fucking hell?"

She was in my seat.

-What's wrong with that?

-You know what's wrong with that.

Just fucking drive, mate.

OK, are you excited?

Let's get ready. She's coming.

She's coming.

Any minute.

One, two... It's your baby...

Sorry, Miche, hold on.

-BOTH:

-It's your baby shower.

Yay, let's not call it a baby shower, eh, Miche?

-We got you a sash. Oh, so you did.

-Where's Craig?

-Honestly...

Well, you need to have a sash if it's a baby shower.

It's not a proper baby shower without one.

-OK. Craig's just through there, love. Thanks.

-Baby mumma.

A few baby bits here as well, so...

-Oh!

-No big deal.

Exciting.

Hello, Craig.

-Hi.

-Are you excited about the baby shower?

-Yeah(!)

-Do you think Beats and Roche,

do you think they make a good couple?

Yeah, they do, you know, they're having a baby together.

It's a really exciting time for them.

They're a strong united front.

-Yeah.

-Oh, thank you for these.

Hoodie.

-Simple.

-I love pink.

Gold boots. Little booties, can't beat them.

It's an exciting time for them, you know.

They're just going to all grow together and...

Obviously they've got Craig there already,

so it's a beautiful family unit that,

you know, we all wish we could have.

So...

How is Bump?

Well, it's... It's a baby.

Hello, Bump.

Oh, let's... Nice and warm.

Yeah.

-What's she doing?

-Probably just lying there.

-Aw.

New developments in the champagne steam bar world.

Drumroll, please.

O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!

Champagne steam bar?

Yeah, we know that. And kitchen!

Come on!

My empire is constantly expanding, you know,

I mean first of all I had the internet cafe, yeah?

Then I had my own nightclub, then I had my own bar,

and now I'm throwing a restaurant into the mix.

And I'm saving money by having it all in the same industrial estate.

What happened to those colour-coded chopping boards

-that I asked you for?

-Hmmm, OK. They're on the way.

I'm just waiting for the paint to dry.

That's just a joke. How's your new kitchen assistant doing?

Oh, he's doing really good.

All right. Stevie.

Yeah, Steve, just use this and keep your sleeves clean.

-What's that?

-It's a tea towel.

-Tiny towel.

-You know, it's like The Apprentice.

You know, I'm Alan Brown Sugar, so these are my apprentices,

and I have to put them through tasks and challenges, you know.

"Can you work on less than minimum wage?"

"Can you work in conditions that probably will be inhumane?"

Get back to work!

You know? These are challenges, this is Apprentice, you know?

And then, if you're lucky enough, "You're hired."

Seen these as well? Tiny cups.

Like I'm a giant. I am a giant, but...

More, more of a giant.

-Is he joking?

-Don't worry. He's very cheap.

That is sick.

That is... With an axe.

So what, mate? I shouldn't be having to call shotgun.

It's my radio station, I'm your employer, end of.

-Yeah, but I pay you, though.

-To be at MY station!

So, the point is she shouldn't be sitting in the front seat.

-It's my seat. Innit, Beats?

-Yeah, that's Grindah's chair,

he's got the lumbar support exactly how he likes it.

No, not the... In his car.

Oh, sorry, man. Darren just sent over these jokes pranking videos.

Great, pranking's MY thing.

-Fuck's sake.

-Darren's really into it as well.

I think you'd really like him.

Ooh, no, I wouldn't. I don't like anyone, and nor should you.

-End of.

-What do you think of Beats getting new friends?

I ain't here to tell Beats who he can and can't be mates with,

do you know what I mean, like?

It's his life, let him do what he wants.

But don't come running back to me when it all goes wrong,

do you know what I mean,

cos man ain't going to be there in the end.

No, actually, I am going to be there

to make sure I see his face when I have a go at him when he's

learnt his lesson.

Don't need new friends when you've got a real friend like me.

Is that a new phone?

-Where did you get the P for that?

-Nah, Darren gave it to me.

-He had a spare one, so...

-What?!

-Yeah, yeah. He said I could have it.

He just gave it...?

Do you know what? I just thought - there's a new rule.

No phones at Radio.

You want to talk to your weird little mates and that,

then do it on your own time, go out and speak to them,

or your little girlfriends and that. No phones. Put your phones away.

No phones.

See that? You can actually take pictures on it.

Yeah, but the battery lasts about two hours, so...

Yeah, but you can go on YouTube.

Well, on my Nokia the battery lasts three days.

-Yeah, it's sick though.

-No, not really.

That's going to table number seven.

That one's going to table number five, OK?

Is everything meeting your expectations?

Thank you.

Still a bit of meat on that.

I'm enjoying the perks of the new job,

tenner a day and access to food.

Free food...that hasn't been eaten yet.

Waste not want not.

If some of it has, then I'll just eat the rest of it.

So, old food?

Not old, but very much second-hand food.

OK, today we have the gourmet peri peri chicken, £6.

Gourmet hot wings, £6.50.

And we also have my favourite, the avant garde avocado.

The main challenge of running a restaurant is the menu.

People don't want to just walk in and eat shit off a plate, yeah?

Give it a stupid name and they eat it.

"This is a Barcelona burger from Barcelona."

You even put the lisp in the Barcelona. Barcelona.

"Oh, it's organic, look at the mud."

It's just been on the floor, mate.

Stupid bastards. Do you know what I mean?

So, how's the wedding planning going?

God, has everyone been talking about it?

No, it's just you sent me a text invitation.

Yeah, and I'm barely sleeping from worrying about it all, so...

As long as Grindah's pulling his weight.

-Yeah.

-Where's Craig?

He's upstairs, love.

Craig! Craig!

To be honest, I just thought, I mean,

we would've been a bit more excited about it all.

But if anything, it feels like he avoids me quite a lot now.

Well, that's no good.

Oh, don't cry, Miche, don't.

SHE CRIES

-I'm sorry.

-Don't apologise.

I just feel like I'm living a lie.

Like, what if he's not the perfect man that I think he is?

Oh, no...

-He's, um...

-Everyone thinks he's a dream man.

He's probably really nice when you get to know him.

-Who's there? Dickhead who?

-HE LAUGHS

What, you saying I'm a dickhead?

Fucking Darren, mate.

You're mental, Darren, mate.

Yeah. We should go on holiday.

Beats.

Oh, I better go. All right, mate, yeah, I'll see you tonight, yeah?

HE LAUGHS

Stop now, mate. Speak to you later.

Yeah, you should've told him you're at Radio.

What do you mean tonight? What if I wanted to do something?

Darren said you could come down the pub as well, he wants to meet you.

No, I'm busy, actually.

-Is it?

-Yeah, with my real friend.

Do you ever get jealous?

Nah, I don't get jealous.

Like, Beats can do what he wants, it's not...

It's his life, innit? I've given you an opportunity

and you're running away with, like, different men and that, yeah?

Do your thing.

You up for doing something later?

Nah, I'm just going to have an early one tonight.

Yeah. Fantasy, what about you?

I can't, man. I've got cinema tickets.

Cinema? I don't even go to the cinema any more.

It's like 14 quid a ticket.

-Tia.

-Yeah?

-My nan just came in.

-Nan!

-No way.

She just came in.

Nan!

Yes. That is mad.

-I forget she can walk.

-Follow me.

What's your Nan's name?

-Just Nan.

-But what does everyone else call her?

Steves' nan.

OK. Never mind, just go over there...

Yes, Nan.

You all right?

-How you doing, brother?

-Oh, right.

Handshake. Formal.

Do you like this? Look at that.

-Very smart.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Lovely.

-Yeah. Double-breasted.

This is actually what the professional chefs wear as well.

-Do you know what you lot want?

-I would like the chicken, Steve.

-Yeah, the chicken.

-The piri piri.

And then, if you don't finish it, don't worry.

-All right?

-Not really. Beats is being a proper selfish prick.

Where's the money that you took from the wedding fund?

-Oh, yeah, no, I got that.

-Here you go.

Every little helps, innit? There you go.

That was nothing.

That's not enough, like, this whole thing isn't enough.

Well, it's all right, chill out. What's up with her?

There you go. £2 coin, yeah?

-Bang. Happy?

-No, I'm not.

Why not? Look, stop stressing yourself out all the time,

it's just a wedding, right. Why you gotta be so intense?

Do you even want to get married?

Huh? Yeah, like, probably, I dunno, like, just...

Well, yes or no?

Yes, then. Like, can't we just do it in a few years or whatever,

when we've got more money and that, like? There's no rush, is there?

I knew it, you don't even want to get married!

I sent out all the invitations, you're making me look stupid!

Well, I didn't tell you to send them out,

so you're making yourself look stupid if anything.

Right, that's it. What's the point in me doing all this wedding stuff?

-Ssshhhh, shut up.

-Why did you propose to me?

So do you ever argue with Miche?

Nah, not really, cos, like, me and Miche

don't really get into arguments, cos most of the time I'm right, and if

I'm not, I'm sort of clever enough not to admit that, so...

Getting into an argument with me is completely pointless.

-This is my house...

-It's our house...

And I don't want you here! Go! This isn't your house any more!

-Stop shouting in front of...

-Fuck off!

Stop shouting constantly in front of the camera.

If you're looking for your Averix, don't bother, cos I sold it.

You're fucking... Well, joke's on you then,

cos I was going to wear that at our wedding.

Well, I'm even more glad, cos it makes you look like a fat biker.

Don't EVER call me fat!

You know I used to have weight issues.

Do you know what, I'm taking my £2 back now.

Take it, I literally don't care any more.

Do you know what, yeah? You keep it if you love it so much.

-WHISPERS:

-Prick.

These are on the house, as you are our special guests today.

Strong lager for you, mate, Pete, yeah, lad.

And, for you, the new cocktail I designed

- it's called a micrococktail,

OK? Packs a real punch.

Size doesn't always matter.

-That's great.

-Sometimes the best things are really tiny.

-I keep telling her that.

-Hey!

Lad alert! Come on, we should hang.

-We should chill.

-How exciting.

-All the best.

-Cheers.

'So, is your nan looking for love?'

Is she looking for love?

Romance? No, no, no, when you're...

She's done all that, ages ago.

Like, when you get to, like, her age, you just...

Everything's just cool, like, you just have your meals or whatever,

you don't do anything, weird stuff like that.

Ooh!

-Does it have a kick?

-I don't know what it is.

OK. You're very attractive when you giggle like that, do you know that?

Don't be silly.

Grindah! Grindah's here.

You're gonna love him, trust me, yeah.

-All right, mate?

-Grindah's here.

-Oh, sweet.

-Oh, you're going to love him.

-Yes, mate, you all right, yeah?

-Thanks for coming down, man.

-Yeah, no worries,

I thought I'd come down as you wanted me to meet Darren.

-Yeah, Darren this is Grindah.

-Hello, Darren, nice to meet you.

-How you doing, you all right?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

What, you not drinking? You forgot your ID or something, eh?

THEY LAUGH

I'm so glad you lot finally met.

This is going to be one of the best nights ever.

-Innit?

-Yeah.

And the avant garde avocado.

-Bellisimi.

-Oh, thank you.

And the piri piri chicken. Muak.

Tell you what, Steves' nan, best worker in the game, this guy.

You should be proud. So good.

I hope you're paying him properly.

Well, that's something, you know, employer confidential, we

-can't talk numbers.

-Tenner a day.

Good God! Here, I'll report you!

No, no, it's not... A tenner a day?

I pay you more than this.

-I... It's always a tenner a day.

-I'm not having that.

No, no, I'm going to be having strong words

with the accountant tomorrow.

-Make sure you do.

-I will do it now for you, madam.

Ten pound a day? Come on, mate!

Enjoy the food.

-Right, thank you.

-Does that mean I get paid more now, Chabuddy?

You know what, Steve, I just got a text through and they have just

confirmed that you are on the right wage.

-Oh. Thanks for checking, man.

-No problem, mate.

I'll get the next ones in then.

You lot probably want to get to know each other.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Same again?

-Yes, please, mate, yeah. Hang on a sec, Kev, um...

-Yeah.

Sorry, what's the capital of Thailand?

-I don't know, Singapore.

-No.

-Bangkok!

-Oh, that actually hurt.

-Game of fouls, right?

-Good one, innit?

No, cos I've heard that one before.

I would've said "Bangkok" and blocked it straight away.

-Same again, yeah?

-Yes, please, mate, yeah.

-Cool.

-Miche, tea's up, babe.

-Oh, thanks, Mum.

-Thank you.

-Here you are. Where are your bin bags?

No, I told you, we're not packing his stuff up.

This is your house, babe, you don't want all these reminders,

do you know what I mean? It'll make the break-up even harder.

I told you, we're not breaking up. We're just, you know,

-we're taking some time out.

-I hear you.

Do you think Miche and Grindah make a good couple?

Not really, darling, I just think she could, you know,

he's punching well above his weight.

Well above his weight. And I just think she's worth more than that,

you know what I mean? She's my princess, so I'm going to say that,

aren't I? But he is a tosser.

I'll tell you that for nothing.

I'll tell you what we'll do, yeah?

We'll just pack up his stuff anyway, yeah?

Pop it by the door, then if the break-up were to go ahead,

-God forbid, we'd be all ready.

-No, Mum.

Put the bin bags down, Mum.

Oh, there's the taxi.

Yep, let's open the door for you.

-There we go.

-See you later.

-Yeah.

-Will you be all right getting back, yeah?

Oh, I'll be fine.

Pete will look after me.

Yes, you'll be well looked after.

Let's get you back before you start getting tired.

I've got plenty of energy left.

Oh...

You doing something when you get back?

I certainly hope so.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you lot have a good one.

Perhaps more than one.

Ooh, stop it!

THEY LAUGH

-See you later, anyway.

-See ya.

-Bye, see ya.

-Bye, Steve.

-See you later, bye.

What do you think of him? He's proper safe, innit?

Like, on the level.

-Not on my level, mate.

-Here you go, boys.

-Cheers, mate.

-No worries, man.

There you go, pal.

Right, boys. You see that barmaid?

Proper salt, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Do you know what would make her look a lot better, though?

-Go on.

-My balls on her chin.

THEY LAUGH

-The imagery, yeah, yeah.

-Just fucking, like, balls...

I was just going to say, are those Huaraches? They're Huaraches, yes,

-mate, yeah.

-Yeah. Proper comfortable, you know?

Yeah. Good for raving.

-Yeah, he loves raving as well.

-Yeah.

-What sort of music do you actually

-like, then?

-Um, I dunno, a bit of everything, really.

Mainly sort of house, techno stuff, really, yeah.

-House?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-What's your standpoint on garage?

-Garage?

-Yeah.

Fuck, man, I haven't listened to that for years, I mean...

Hang on a minute, it ain't 1998, is it?

THEY LAUGH

No, it's not, mate.

I mean, only an idiot would listen to garage now, wouldn't he?

It's a fucking pile of shit, mate.

It is, innit? Why would you ever listen to garage?

I haven't a fucking clue. Hang on a minute,

I think So Solid Crew...

Here, listen. I tell you what, why don't we delete garage forever?

Shit, yeah. Man, what you've got 21 seconds to go, eh?

Fuck off, then, if you've got 21 seconds to go,

just fuck off, garage.

Yeah, fuck off, get out of my life, mate.

Go make some good fucking music.

You're a funny fucker you are.

I just realised, I gotta shoot off, but...

Yeah, enjoy your night, lads, yeah?

See you later, boi.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah, nice to meet you, mate, take care.

Yeah, I'm probably going to shoot off as well, actually.

I've got, like, an urgent thing.

-Where you going?

-Keep the pints, though, man.

Oh, right, well... I'll see you Thursday then, yeah?

I'll let you know. You all right?

Come on, mate. Let's get you home.

-You can do so much better than that.

-I know.

OK, who's up for a bit of champagne?

-Tia?

-Yep. You know what?

It's been a good day.

Steves, do you want one?

No, I don't touch that stuff. It fucks with your head.

Oh, God, the good stuff.

This always makes me jump. Why are you shaking...?

To my new business apprentice...

Well, you're more like my apprentice if anything.

To think, yeah? This place was nothing and we've built up a whole

restaurant together. I'm basically Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Chabuddy.

I think we work really well together as a team.

I think we work really well together, too.

It's just beautiful.

Let's not do that!

Sorry, I just.... I thought that was my moment to...

It's OK, I think you just got things a bit twisted.

Look, you're my boss and I admire you as a professional.

I think we work really well as a team and...

You've done it again.

Sorry, I just read it wrong again.

-A bit of washing up to do, man.

-Yeah.

Anyway, safe, man. See you tomorrow, yeah?

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

-Cool.

-Or, I was going to say, actually,

I might as well just stay round tonight.

Nah, I'll be fine, man, honestly.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Thanks for caring, though.

Yeah, it's just I... You know. Good to make sure you're all right

-after what you've been through and that and...

-Nah, I'll be fine.

Roche and Craig are there, yeah, they'll pick me up.

-Yeah, no, that's cool.

-Yeah.

-Look, I just...

I just don't want to go back home, man.

Miche has been doing my nut in and just...

There's been arguments and that.

-She kick you out?

-No, she didn't kick me out, she just...

Look, it's complicated, all right?

And I just can't go back there tonight.

-Mate, of course you can stay.

-Yeah?

-SNM, mate.

-Say No More.

-What did I tell you?

My casa is your casa.

-Come on...

-Come on, let's go in.

Actually, I've just got to ask Roche if it's all right first.

Oh, great.

-Rochelle?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Roche.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Fine.

How's Craig?

-Fine.

-Cool.

-Roche?

-Yes.

Is it all right if Grindah stays tonight?

He had, like, this big fight with Miche. She kicked him out.

No, she didn't kick me out. I left cos she's acting all weird.

Did you put her in a bad mood?

I think you're more than capable of doing that yourself.

-Well, Beats said I could stay, so...

-Well, it ain't up to Beats, is it?

-So...

-Beats?

-Sorry.

Is it all right?

All right, you can stay, but just for tonight.

-Sick.

-Cool.

-Can I get a juice?

-Yeah, help yourself, mate.

-So, did you have a nice drink with Darren?

-No, it was shit.

To be honest, I don't really want to go to parent classes any more.

-Well, you know I'm up for that.

-Yeah.

-You don't need it these days, do you? It's pointless.

-Yeah.

Did something happen with Darren?

You two seemed like you were getting on really well.

Nah. Nah. He's just not who I thought he was.

I don't really want to talk about it, to be honest.

Oh, OK, I won't ask any more then.

-Do you want some wine, Miche?

-I'm all right, thanks.

You sure? It does help.

Yeah, I'll see if the tea works.

If in doubt, drink wine.

Mummy? Where's Daddy?

Oh, Daddy's just... He's having a sleepover at Uncle Beats's house.

-Why?

-Why?

Because sometimes grown-ups need to be separate,

because one of them is an idiot and takes everything for granted.

Mummy? Nana says you're an idiot.

No, she's not talking about me. She's talking about Daddy.

-Daddy.

-Daddy's the idiot.

-Daddy's a plonker.

Brought you the sleeping bag.

Oh, this is beautiful.

-Here, I'll just...

-Yeah.

It's lovely being able to sprawl out, actually.

-Yeah?

-No-one else in the bed.

-You got everything you need, man?

-Yeah.

Worked out perfectly, actually,

cos I've got the old widescreen TV as well in my room, so...

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you're always welcome round mine, mate.

-Cheers mate.

-All right, sleep well, soldier. See you in the morning.

-Night, mate.

-Night.

Your best mates are there for you, like,

to pick you up when you're down, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Like, if you need somewhere to stay, here's a bed.

-Yeah.

-You need some money, here's a bit of cash.

What, you got some dough?

Nah, I was just... That's what you say, innit?

Don't say it if you haven't got any money on you.

Sorry.

MACHINE GUN FIRES

What the fuck?! He's a fucking noob!

What you doing, you mug? Grenade him!

Oh, my God!