Ipswich People Just Do Nothing

-Roche?

-Mmm?

-Do you need your passport if you're going to Ipswich?

Only if you're going via France.

Right. I'll have to double-check with Chabudds,

because we might need them for the tolls up north.

This is our first out-of-town gig and it's my first gig

as their manager, so I need to prove that I'm...

Hold on. I need to prove that I'm...

..worth it.

But no, in all seriousness, like,

the boys have put their trust in me and I can't let them down.

We basically couldn't be fucked to sort it all out,

so we just let Chabudds do it, really.

Yeah, like, we've got to focus just on the performance,

it's our first nationwide tour, so...

-Spreading the seed.

-Yeah.

Lyrically.

And literally as well, innit?

Yeah.

Big night, big night.

Tonight is going to be quite the test with all the bloody groupie action.

Sweet. Good to go.

Oh, I've only bloody forgot the condoms, didn't I?

Some breakfast...

So, have you and Grindah broken up?

No, we haven't broken up,

I'm just giving him some time to think about what he really wants

and, you know, think about all the things

that he's been taking for granted.

And in the meantime, you know, it gives me a chance to get to know who Miche really is.

Some Miche time.

You all right?

Oh, we're out of milk, mate.

Oh, is there not enough left for me?

No, I like it really milky.

Urgh, you having it dry?

-I can't wait.

-Yeah, same.

Jinx.

Oh, hold on.

HORN TOOTS Oh, mate, he's here.

-Yes!

-Come on.

-Come on, let's go.

You seen this?

Our very own tour van.

This is the official Kurupt FM tour bus.

-Brother.

-Yeah.

-Smashed it.

I've designated a driver as well, so Decoy, alley-oop, my brother. OK?

And boys, for you, I've installed a state-of-the-art sound system.

Oh, yes! We love music!

Customised interior as well.

How long is the tour going to be, then?

Put it this way, yeah, one leg naturally follows another.

-Oh, is there a second...?

-There's not a second, just...

-So, yeah.

-Loads of shows.

At the moment it's just one booking, but, yeah.

You never know, on the way back from...

We might find somewhere.

Look at that!

Personalised window plate.

No photos, cos we're famous.

-Fuck off!

-I love travelling.

What? It stinks.

Steves, have you been sick already?

I got a delicate system, innit?

If you're going to be sick constantly, then get into the back so I don't see or smell you.

-Come on.

-Looks like he's bleeding as well.

-Shoo! Out, get out.

-It's worse in the back for me.

-Just get out.

My job on tour is to a) DJ,

b) keep up the vibe,

and c) try not to be sick in the car.

How do you think you will do on those?

Uh... Good on the first two, not so good on the last one.

Get in.

-See you later, mate.

-Comfy as well.

Oh, mate!

HORN BLASTS

This is going to be incredible!

You all right, Miche?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm fine. Thank you.

It's just you been shampooing her hair for about 20 minutes, so...

God, yeah. No, it's just...

She had very dirty hair, so I just, yeah...

Getting it all cleaned up.

Have you spoke to Grindah?

No, not yet.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.

Is that a quote?

Yeah. It's from one of my favourite memes.

Oh, mate, follow that sign.

-The North.

-The North.

-Fuck, this is proper like...

We're in the jungle right now.

-Yeah.

-Look at that, it's like the bloody Serengeti.

This is actually the most amount of green I've ever seen.

And are you excited about the tour?

He hasn't stopped banging on about it.

No, I can't wait to go travelling, yeah.

Yeah. First time leaving the manor and that, yeah, it's going to be sick.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-But proper leaving, like motorway-leaving.

Yeah, yeah, do you know what I mean?

# Hype n a riddim...

# When I wake up I'm gonna blaze them, blaze them,

# Cos I look like Jason Statham,

# Lyrically I helter-skelter,

# Cos physically I'm Idris Elba. #

Fucking hell, yeah.

-Yeah, I look like him, innit?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-That's mad.

-Guys, guys, guys.

-Yes, mate.

-I have organised a services stop in T-minus 400 yards.

I hope you're hungry.

Oh, what? Come on. Come on, boy.

Smashed it.

Stevie!

Wake up, boy, wipe yourself down, we're going to services.

Yeah, clean the sick off your chin, you mess.

I'm starving.

-What are you game for?

-Crisps.

Come on.

Services.

I'm about to get serviced.

Oh, mate.

Remember, stay in the budget, yeah?

You reckon they've got different flavoured crisps up north?

-Only time will tell. After you.

-Thank you.

Joke.

Straight off the bat, I'm having them.

Soup?

Who eats soup?

-Oh...

-All right mate?

What's that smell?

I just... I'll clean it up later.

It's fine.

I didn't have breakfast, it's mainly just spit.

Is this Ipswich?

Grindah. They've got a coffee machine.

-What?

-Where you can make your own coffee.

I don't even like coffee, but I'm going to have one because it looks sick.

-I'm going to have one as well.

-Yeah, have a go.

-It's a computer.

-Yeah, I know.

-Has it got Wi-Fi?

-It's an iPad.

Go on, have a go.

Watch it go, watch it go.

-Oh, it's loading.

-Watch it go.

What! It's coming out the computer!

Oh, mate.

Get the guys up on that. That's fucking mental.

That is sick.

Hey, Decoy.

We're not twins, you know that?

Go on, what am I thinking right now?

Dunno.

I was thinking how great it is

that we are on our first lads' holiday together.

Hey! Hands up.

That was a joke, man, banter.

Chabudds, you got to go pay, mate.

You lot stayed in the budget, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Go and pay.

They're waiting for you.

Bear munch.

I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay. Calm down. How much is it?

It's £43 for that stuff and £20 for the petrol.

£43?

You know, it can be expensive being a manager, you know what I mean?

There's loads of expenses, and obviously you need to front,

you know, the cash for your artistes, you know.

I'm willing to do that, because I know that it's going to come back tenfold, you know what I mean?

You like gold?

No, I need cash, man. You pay the £43.

You melt this down. Once they're making the number-one hits,

I'm going to be the one who's laughing, know what I mean?

15%, baby. Simon Cowell, Puff Daddy.

I'm a mogul. That's what moguls do.

No, give me the... This is not Marrakech, man.

-Deal done.

-This is a petrol pump, man, come on, give me the other five, come on.

Good man.

Bloody Asian people.

-Boys, that was a bit over budget, just be careful next time.

-No worries, mate.

Come on. I'll put it, I'll put it...

Oh, that's disgusting.

-Get that away from me.

-That's...

The crisps are ribbed for pleasure.

Kurupt boys going global, mate.

Going up north.

..the fuck?

Where are...?

Are they gone?

-Right, Miche.

-Yeah.

We've decided that we are taking you out for drinks tonight,

-me and the girls.

-Oh, my god, really?

-Yeah!

-My first ever work drinks.

Oh, my God, amazing.

Are we going to go straight from here? Cos I'm just thinking,

I could get my mum to drop off my outfit and then I could...

I could jump on the sunbed for a bit...

-Don't worry about it too much, it's just drinks.

-Yeah, no, no, fine.

Work drinks. I literally can't believe it. I've never been before.

Just local drinks, it'll be nice though, won't it, girls?

It's going to be mental.

It's literally drinks round the corner, so don't...

-Don't stress about it.

-Yeah, I love round the corner, perfect.

I love drinks.

This ain't even a real place.

Decoy, where are we?

I ain't got a clue, I'm driving.

Why are you driving there, then?

Boys, listen, don't worry, there's a short cut,

I know where I'm going.

Just turn that round.

Yeah, we're fine. Keep going.

-Is this a village?

-Yeah, we're in a village, man.

Look at that, look at that, stop the van!

Hurry up, brother.

Cum.

All right, mate?

Uh, are you going to Ipswich by any chance?

I'm not, sorry.

Erm...

Are you going near Ipswich, or...?

-Nowhere near.

-Nowhere near.

Sorry.

Cos I won't be sick in your car or anything.

I'm still not going to Ipswich.

-Is it that one, yeah?

-Yeah, everything's sorted, boys.

It looks nice as well.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Come on, get out, I need to stretch my legs, man.

-Oh, mate...

-Yeah. There should be some sort of rule about driving more than an hour.

-Yeah.

A journey shouldn't last that long.

Do you know what, though? I can't stop thinking about that place.

-Ashfield-cum-Thorpe.

-Yeah.

-Cum, it's a joke, innit?

-Yeah.

-Come on, Stevie.

What's happening, has he been sick?

Shit. No, he's...

-What?!

-Oh, shit.

Least we got the bags, though, innit?

-Yeah.

-Every silver cloud.

Decoy, I think that's you, mate.

-Cheers, mate.

-All right, let's go.

-Ramada Inn.

-My new estate.

-Do you think they've got free Wi-Fi?

-Oh, of course they have.

-100%, mate.

Look at that. International.

-Yeah.

-International...

-Told you Kurupt was going global.

Ladies, ladies. What time is it?

I think it's one o'clock.

Yeah. I love wine.

Cheers, ladies.

-Cheers.

-Cheers to a big night out.

Night out, not a big one.

That is...

Works drinks, bitches.

Lavender out on the town.

-Lavender...

-2016.

Oh, and Grindah, if you're watching,

Miche doesn't need you to have a good time, yeah?

You scum!

All right, Jackie, love, calm down.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yeah, I'm not going to post that one, so...

Pretty big, innit? It's like a coliseum, innit?

Yeah. Yeah, it's massive. Of course it's massive,

they have to fill the shit out it for us, innit?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Is it sold out?

-100%, mate.

-You lot got enough tape?

Cos we're about to smash this place up.

The promoter, yeah?

-Yes, nice to meet you.

-Chabuddy G, manager of Kurupt FM.

Nice to meet you. OK, let me take you through and we'll set up, like, a green room for you.

OK, let me take you lot through, I'll set up, like, a green room for you guys, yeah?

Oh, arena one, very nice.

-Nice!

-The DJ better turn that shit off before we go on.

Pool table as well.

-Yeah.

-It's quiet at the moment but it'll pick up.

OK, let me relay that message on.

It's quiet at the moment but it will pick up.

Tell him I've done all this shit before, it's not my first club night.

Don't get involved constantly.

-Rider, where's your rider?

-Yeah, I've got them in there.

Bob Marley party pack.

-Spot on.

-Man!

If you go to a promoter and you give him the rider,

you can't just write, "Oh, I want better skunk now," yeah?

You've gotta disguise it somehow, do you know what I mean?

Bob Marley party package, innit.

Exactly. Soon as you write that, they know what time it is.

Feel free to sit on the boxes.

-Feel free...

-Yeah.

Crate of beer, all for us, on the house.

Yeah, yeah.

Rider sorted out all by the manager.

A wig?

-What is it?

-It's the Bob Marley party pack.

You...

Bob Marley party pack?!

That's a code word. Where's the fucking skunk?!

There's, like, these spliffs.

You didn't get...? That's what I meant.

As the manager of Kurupt FM, I expect you to listen to me.

-Cheers, brother.

-These are special artists, mate.

OK, mate? Good, good. Boys, all sorted, all sorted.

Grindah.

That is quite funny actually.

Excuse me, are you going to Ipswich?

-Ipswich?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we are.

-Yeah, you are?

Is... Do you reckon I could come to Ipswich?

It's just all my mates have left me, so...

I won't be sick in the car or anything.

OK.

-OK.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-He said yeah.

They said yeah.

We're going to Ipswich.

We're going to Ipswich!

See you lot later.

I'm really sorry, man.

Hopefully it won't stain or anything, so...

Sorry. I can walk the rest of the way.

Bye, Charlie.

See you later.

Well... Wish I hadn't thrown away that bit of paper, man.

-Some Rose then, ladies?

-Yeah, definitely.

ALL: Lavender!

Brilliant. Do you want a rose, Miche?

Can I have a double vodka and lemonade, please?

To Miche, to Miche.

-And a big night out.

-Thank you.

ALL: Snapchat. Lavender.

If we have a good month, I'm thinking of bringing in...

Does anyone want another drink?

-I'm all right, actually.

-No, I'm all right.

Well, get used to this, boys.

-Yep.

-This is the life.

-Cheers.

-Salaam.

According to Chabudds, in Ipswich we've got a huge fan base.

-We have.

-I mean, put it this way, we got poked four times on Facebook.

-Pulked?

-Poked.

It just shows you the attention that these guys are getting.

I mean, Get Out The Way was on YouTube, you know,

it's been up there for four years now.

382 plays, 17 likes, eight dislikes -

you do the maths.

OK, guys, guys!

Guys, shut up!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,

all the way from Brentford,

Kurupt FM!

Make some noise!

# There's a dead MC on the floor.

# Who's that standing above him?

# He's got a microphone and it's pointing in this direction.

# I think it might be MC Grindah

# Who?

# MC Grindah

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Leaving the MC down on the floor

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

# Leaving the MC down on the floor

# Call 999, it's an emergency. #

-She's having another one?

-Knocking them back, isn't she?

Oh, hello, there she is.

Shot time, bitches!

Come on, put down your boring drinks.

Here we go. Pick one up.

Oh, no thank you for me.

-I wasn't going to have a big night tonight, Miche.

-Oh, vibe kill.

Come on, Susan, don't be a pussy.

You're ruining the party for everyone, innit? Come on.

No, I can't do that, I can't...

-No, it's disgusting.

-Oh, mental that.

You going to have your shot?

No, thank you. No, thank you.

Oh, that's nice.

# Bang! Get out the way

# Get in a taxi get out the way. #

That's the best one as well.

Get out the way!

When I say "Kurupt," you say "FM"!

-Kurupt! It's Kurupt!

-Guys, do you have any house music?

What? Of course we haven't got any fucking house music,

that's everything we stand against.

Uh, OK. It's just cos this is more of a house crowd.

Oh, is it? OK, I'll sort it out right now. Who likes house music?

FAINTLY: Yeah.

Is it? Well, fuck off and get out.

-You lot get out.

-Who said that?!

House music is disgusting, yeah.

I tell you why as well, yeah.

It's not only the music, yeah.

But it's the type of people that listen to it.

Chabudds, check that guy there.

-Get him.

-Stand behind me. Hold me back, man. Fuck that little prick.

-Yeah, yeah, you better deal with him.

-Tell him I'm going to fight him.

-Tell him I'm going to fight him.

-Do you want me to hold you back?

Like, just disgusting freaks with, like,

sleeve tattoos and fucking women's jeans on and that.

They spend more time at the gym than actually doing stuff.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

With, like, shaved ball bags.

Yeah, exactly.

Does anyone want another drink?

-I think maybe...

-No, no, I've got a bus, I've got a bus to get.

-Yeah, bus drink.

-Could get something to eat, maybe.

Yeah.

Aw, she loves just getting me drunk. Are you getting me drunk, Tanya?

-No, the opposite, the opposite.

-Yeah, that's what they always say.

I can hear you, that's really loud, OK.

-We love each other.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

-Hi.

-Let's have a little dance, Tanya.

Let's get those hips out.

I kind of wish it did kick off in there, cos what I'd have done, I would've stunned him...

One! One! Two-two!

Whack! Right over the head.

-OK.

-And he would've been out.

Yeah, I did tell you tour life gets a bit mental,

but it's all part and parcel, innit, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-What happened with the groupies? You said it was going to pick up.

Yeah, sorry, I know it's been a bit of a weird one.

-Do you want some coke?

-What?

You're doing coke?

-Steves!

-Steves!

-Yes, bruv!

This place is fucking long to get to, man.

-How did you get here?

-Why aren't we doing London gigs?

Tanya! Your phone's gone to voicemail.

Where have you lot gone?

I'm still here, so if you just come back, get out your house.

I love you. Bye, Mum.

Oh, no.

-I called you Mum.

-I was told Kurupt FM were going to sell out the venue,

but there's no-one here, there's no money in the till, so I can't pay you.

You didn't market it right, mate. I tell you what, mate, you're brownlisted.

Idiot.

Listen, mate, I got some bad news, all right.

Basically, the promoter didn't make enough money to pay us the fee, OK?

-What?

-So, he's going to pay us as soon as his student loan comes through, so...

Nah, bruv, this whole fucking thing's been a joke, right.

-I know.

-If I don't get my money now, I'm going to go fucking schiz.

-No, please don't, mate. Don't go schiz, mate.

-You know what I'm like as well.

Boys, boys, boys... Guys, guys, guys. Watch.

Are you the guys who were doing the music in there?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah? Is it all right if we get a selfie?

-Uh, yeah.

-Cool.

Yeah. You like that, yeah?

Yeah. Cool.

Is it all right if I get a selfie with you lot?

-Yeah, OK.

-Don't...

You're not meant to ask that.

I want a picture with a groupie as well.

-I'm not a groupie.

-Oh, great, see, you've spoiled it for me.

You guys were saying it, so that's that.

Oh, and you? OK, cool, there we go.

-Cool.

-Should we get them in?

Nah, I was just going to say,

we've got a little after-party thing if you lot are...

Uh, yeah, sure.

Where?

It's at Ramada Inn.

And also...

Free. That's our new single as well.

That's a little bit of sick on there, but that...

Shh! OK, come on then.

-Don't worry.

-Cool.

-Does it smell funny?

Show you where we're going. Are we going?

-It smells all right.

-That's mine, that is.

And that's yours.

We've got chicks here.

The hotel room. After-party crew.

-Sit down, sit down.

-Oh, sick, look, there's a minibar.

-Oh, is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Oh, cool, let's get...

-Let's have a couple of beers.

-Yeah. You want some beers, girls?

Well, they're not free, though, we've got to pay for them.

-Fucking hell, it's £6 each!

-£6! They're not fucking about.

It's expensive stuff. Only the best will do. There you go.

-Share that one.

-Thanks.

Yeah. We've actually got this saying that goes,

-"What happens on tour stays on tour."

-Yeah.

And it just means that anything goes, sort of thing.

Exactly. Fuck you, Mum, you bitch, I can do whatever I want now.

Yeah, fuck off, Mrs Bates, you can't control him any more.

Yeah, you dickhead.

-How is your mum anyway?

-Yeah, really good, really good.

-She all right, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah.

So... Do you lot come to hotels much or...?

-No, not really.

-No?

Cool.

I do. All the time, yeah.

And better ones than this as well, so...

Cool.

Are we all supposed to be staying in here tonight, yeah?

Yeah, we're on a bit of a limited budget, so just the one room today,

so... Get tight, get cosy.

Well, I might just go sleep in the van, there ain't enough space in here.

Plus we're up in three hours, innit.

Probably for the best, probably for the best.

Two seconds, Decoy. Decoy, I'll come with you, man.

It would be good to chat. Good little catch-up, know what I mean?

So... Yeah? I'll leave you guys to it.

-Nice one, mate.

-Cool, man, see you in a bit, Chabsy.

So, we're all... Everyone's staying in this room?

Yeah, yeah, I was just going to say,

probably best that you sleep in the bath, actually,

just in case you piss yourself, it would be a bit easier.

All right.

-What, now?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's getting a bit late.

-All right, man. You've had a long day. Yeah.

-It's been heavy for you.

-Yeah.

-Thanks for the cool party, though.

Yeah, no worries.

-Nice to meet you.

-See you later, mate.

See you.

So, have you ever been with another woman, other than Miche?

Phwoar, yeah.

Too many to remember, actually.

-Yeah.

-You can't remember any of them?

You won't know them.

All right, then.

Lucy.

Sarah.

Jessica.

Uh...

Oh, hazy memory.

Uh, Jenn... I've said Jennifer, haven't I?

So, what do you guys do anyway?

-We're students.

-Students?

-Cool.

-Um, just a quick question.

You're both over 16, yeah?

-Mm-hmm.

-Cool, perfect.

Why is that perfect?

Just cos it's all above board, innit.

Legal.

Woo! It's a night bus ting.

I got chicken and chips, got big chicken...

Oh. Battery's run out.

What a bloody mental night.

Do you think that's covering it all?

Yeah, let me just check the other side.

-Yes.

-Yeah, a little trick we sort of made up on tour.

A little bit of "fuck the system", do you know what I mean?

Mm, mm.

I think we're actually...

-We're going to go.

-Yeah.

-But it was really nice to meet you.

-Cool.

-Well, I got a zoot.

-You might as well share it.

-It's all right. We don't really smoke.

It's cheese.

-Nice to meet you guys, though, yeah.

-Thanks, though.

-See you, bye.

ALARM BLARES Oh, fuck! Fucking dickhead!

Did you put it on properly?

I think so. I don't know. It usually works.

Come on. Steves, you can't...

You've set the fire alarm off.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Probably just a false alarm anyway.

I'll get that.

Can't smoke anywhere these days, innit.

-So...

-Have a nice night.

No worries. Maybe another night when the fire alarm doesn't go off.

Yeah, probably not.

-Bye.

-Bye-bye.

-See you later.

Oh, my God.

THEY LAUGH MOCKINGLY

Don't know if you heard, um,

word's going round that I only had a threesome tonight.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-Oh, where've they gone?

They had to shoot off because the old bloody fire alarm went off.

You know what, Decoy? This is the best lads' holiday I've ever been on.

Hey, Decoy.

We should get matching Ipswich tattoos.

Decoy? You asleep?

I'll get mine on my lower back.

Decoy.

Decoy.

Goodnight, my brother from down under.

-Down under?

-Jamaica, isn't it?

Goodnight, my Jamaican prince.

-Mummy!

-Mmm?

Mummy!

Yeah.

Mummy!

Mmm...

Yes?

What's wrong, Mummy?

Nothing's wrong, Mummy just went out with her friends and had a nice time.

Are you having a nice time right now?

Yes, Angel, don't be clever.

Definitely ready for my own bed, now, though.

You not staying at mine?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

How long do you think it'll be till

Miche sort of lets you back in?

I might not be going back, mate,

especially with all the bloody groupie action popping off.

Boring drive, innit?

It is, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Chabs.

That is...

Watch this.

HE YELLS

We're crashing!

You idiot.

His face. He thought he was going to die.

Fuck it, he'll make his own way back. He always does, innit.

Decoy, tomorrow, yeah?

I'll hit you up on MSN, yeah, Decoy?

Do you maybe just want to pop yourself into the treatment room?

Cos I don't want you to be sick in front of the customers.

Yeah.

-Roche, I'm home.

-Hello.

Sometimes you gotta switch the pace up, get out your comfort zone,

go travelling, because you'll come back a better man.

-How was it?

-Yeah, pretty draining.

-Was it?

-Yeah, my eyes are sore.

Think I've got jet lag.

We went Ipswich and it was shit, but...

it was a test of our character.

Different bed every night.

It's all part of the rock star lifestyle, innit?

And that's what life's about, mate.

Enjoy it.

Even the shit moments.

Or it'll just make you depressed.