Valentimes People Just Do Nothing

Come on in with the box. Easy, easy does it.

Here we go.

# Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day is a day for romance. #

Mmm, you can really smell the sex in the air,

-isn't it?

-Yeah, what is that smell, actually?

I actually got us a really good deal on 40 crates of mackerel, you know?

And, like, you know, seafood on Valentine's Day,

it's like an aphrodisiac.

Yeah, but I don't think that applies to gone-off mackerel.

Oh, balloons, you did that as well?

-Yeah.

-Ti-ti!

-They're all over, look behind you.

I feel the love. Hey, all you need is love.

Isn't it?

-And maybe some lovely mackerel.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, come on, Kevin, she's not going to wait for you.

Oh, Kevin, come on!

-I'm just looking for something. One minute.

-Stop looking!

-Now, Kevin!

-SHE GROANS

I can't find my chinos.

-Forget your chinos, let's just go!

-All right, cool.

Don't forget the bag!

Bag, bag.

-Got the bag.

-SHE GROANS

OK, I got the bag.

-Good.

-Where's Craig?

-He's out with his dad. Just hurry up!

Ssshhhh. Keep it down, Grindah's asleep.

I don't give a fuck about Grindah!

Just get me to the hospital and get her out of me!

-OK.

-Yeah?

-How do you want to do it?

-Cos I've only got the ped.

-Call a cab!

-OK, yeah, call a cab. All right.

-SHE GROANS

Oh, yeah, there's this mad thing called Uber, you heard about it?

Oh, it says I need to update my card details.

Do you know your card number?

-GROANS:

-Hurry...the fuck...up!

-OK, OK.

Big day today - Valentine's Special,

so we're going to have a little aerial revamp,

make sure the signal's extra crispy, innit, mate?

-You get on that soon, all right?

-I'm just going to meet my nan, man,

but I'll see you lot in a bit.

You're meeting... It's Valentine's... Steves.

-I always meet her.

-Fuck's sake.

Beats has fucked off already.

Great, so I'm left on my own again.

-I'll be about, man.

-I mean one of the main ones.

Fuck's sake. Yeah,

Valentine's Day is one of the most important sets in

the Kurupt calendar,

and I'll tell you why, cos we see it as a way of building up listeners,

yeah? Think about it. Like, usually,

you'd just be listening to Kurupt on your ones, innit, yeah?

But on Valentine's Day you'll be there with your girl or your man or

whatever, so that's already double the listeners, at least.

Cos obviously some cultures have more than one partner.

But we see that more as a bonus.

OK, enjoy it.

Hey, happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, threesome.

Very European.

PHONE RINGS

-Kevin, you old slut.

-HE LAUGHS

What? What, right now?!

OK, um... Yeah, yeah, OK, stay calm, mate!

Kevin, STAY CALM!

OK, OK, OK, yeah, I'll come, I can come!

I can come, yeah, I can come!

Um... Let me just...

I'll bring the Merc.

Listen. Oh, my keys. I gotta...

Where's my keys? Where's my keys?

-I don't know.

-I put them here some...

I totally understand what you're going through.

You do not understand.

I do NOT understand what you're going through.

You are not even close to understanding.

# Twinkle, twinkle... #

-Fuck you!

-SHE GROANS

-Chabzilla.

-SHE GROANS

Yeah, it's getting a bit nuts here, mate.

Yeah, we're getting a bit sectiony.

-Yeah. Oh, he's pulling up, he's pulling up.

-HORN TOOTS

-Help me!

-Let's go.

-Help...me!

-Yeah, please.

-Help me.

-Help me!

-Help me. Help ME.

-SHE GROANS

You spoken to Beats yet?

Nah, he's on some, like,

"Oh, I'm going down the hospital

"because I care about Roche and want

"to hold her hand while she's having a baby."

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

When Angel was born, did I miss a set?

-No.

-No, no, I didn't, no.

Exactly. Cos I put radio before everything,

because I actually care about it.

Plus I didn't really clock that's why

I had all of the missed calls from Decoy and Miche.

I'd like you to add a little backcomb as well,

just to give it a bit more volume.

Yeah.

You had any Valentine's Day cards, Tyler?

-A fair few.

-Yeah, I bet you did!

Look at him, he's such a little player.

You can tell cos he's got the earring.

That's how you tell a player.

He's single. He's available, Miche.

Just saying. What am I like?

I'm turning into my mother.

Well, people have asked me if I think that me and Grindah are going

to get back together, and the answer at the moment is, I don't know.

I mean, it all depends on him.

'What's your Facebook status?'

Oh, God. Yeah.

That took me days to work out.

I went for "it's complicated", because, I mean,

the situation IS complicated.

I didn't really know what that meant before but now, yeah,

I really understand it.

Oh, lovely.

Who are they for?

Uh, Susan.

Oh, more for Susan.

You little whore-bag!

-Wow.

-Thank you.

Oh, they're beautiful, thank you very much.

Oh, someone's getting lucky.

Where are you going to put them, in your living room?

Yeah. I'll put them with all the others.

Taxi for the lady with the flowers!

Right, pull up, mate.

SHE GROANS

Right, cool, let's go. OK, stay clenched.

-I'm clenching.

-Keep clenching.

All right.

Get out of the way, you!

-Do you need anything from the bag?

-No, no, keep going!

I've got Lucozade... Oh, fuck!

-What, what, what?

-I've got Craig's bag.

-What?!

-It's just got an empty packet of ham and a pencil case in it.

-I don't want any fucking ham!

-Let me check the pencil case,

-there might be something useful in it.

-Yeah, good idea.

Just forget about the pencil case, OK? Just go!

Forget about that. OK, let's go, let's go. Let's go. Which way?

-No, no, no!

-Right!

-No, right, right, right!

-SHE GROANS

(OK, come on.)

Right, we're all clear.

Time for you lot to see who the real soldier of Kurupt FM is, yeah?

Keep it down, yeah? Here she is.

Fucking hell, it's high, innit?

Every general needs their army working as a unit,

do you know what I mean?

So you need your team there to be, like, pre-rolling your zoots,

like, making sure the phone's charged, track listing right, like,

there's just better things to think about.

Check the aerial, make sure it's crisp.

Oh... Oh, fuck!

This is mental.

Someone in my position shouldn't be doing things like this.

Hold on.

Fanta.

Is it sounding clearer?

Well, is it sounding worse, then?

No, well, then say it's sounding clearer, then.

Don't... Right, good.

Seen Lorna's new whip?

'What's been your favourite Valentine's Day?'

Me and my nan once went to this place called Blackpool,

where there's these...

'They do this lights thing.'

-Come through.

-Steve?

Easy. 'And we, well, we...'

I did acid and she, like,

had a glass of wine and we just had a really nice evening.

# Nan-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, Nan. #

You seen my nan, Pete?

-Uh...

-Hi, Steve, um...

Can we have a little chat, please, in private?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? OK, um, the number that you gave us,

-it's not working, it's wrong.

-Oh, yeah, no,

I always give fake numbers out to people I don't know, sorry.

Just come in the office here, darling.

Has my nan been in trouble again?

There you go.

Just take a... Just take a seat.

Can't really see much, stained glass.

-Kevin.

-It's fucking madness in there.

Did you get my message about the bag?

-Yeah, man.

-Yes.

Roche has been switching about this.

HE SIGHS

HE BURPS

I'm knackered.

Mum's doing all right as well.

-Yeah?

-All right, boys, I'll be back in a bit.

-Nice one, Chabsy...

-Good luck, mate.

-Appreciate it, man.

-No worries.

-All right. It's ten centimetres now.

Ten centimetres.

The beautiful, disgusting miracle of birth.

How you doing, though, Craig, you all right, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

You must be so excited, mate.

You're about to have a little brother.

-Sister.

-Don't be too sure, mate, OK?

I had...

I had a friend once who was

unfortunately born with a micro-penis...

And...

You know, for months they thought I was...

they thought he was a girl.

What?

Anyway, I better shoot off anyway, I got stuff to do.

See you in a bit, yeah?

My nan always says that you have to live for the moment,

cos tomorrow might never happen and yesterday don't matter.

You have to be in the present.

What day is it today, Wednesday?

-Tuesday.

-'It's Friday.'

Friday.

# It's about time that I spat this rhyme

# About this day called Valentine

# Must say Grindah's so fine

# Cos I got the flow to make a buddy wine, yes!

# And you're locked into the sounds of the legendary MC Grindah

# DJ Fantasy, for the Valentine's Special Fantasy Grindtime Hour. #

RADIO: 'Looks like it's doing massive!

'This is MC Grindah, with a sprinkle of something romantic.'

Me and Grindah never really celebrated Valentine's Day.

There was this one time, though, actually.

We went to a restaurant, and then we ran away without paying the bill.

I mean, we did have to pay it in the end, though,

cos Grindah left his jacket there with an ounce of weed in the pocket,

so, yeah, we had to go back and apologise, but...

Remember! Remember texting, calling or whatever,

sending your sexy shouts and dedications.

Especially girls.

Just sweet ladies.

Phone that number to call 07050 030 108289.

Just wait now.

PHONE BEEPS Oh, shit. Phone line crew. All right, then...

Outsider phone line crew, yeah? Message reads...

RADIO: 'Big up the people that do runners from romantic restaurants

'tonight. Don't leave your jacket there.'

Uh... I ain't really got a clue what the hell you're talking about,

'but... Yeah. Probably means

'something to you, so yeah, OK...yeah?'

Big yourself up.

I don't think he got the reference, so...

RADIO: '..Knows what the hell that one

'was banging on about then, please...'

Back to work.

I don't really think there's any

such thing as, like, an end and a beginning,

but this is just another chapter in our love story, to be continued.

'Do you think that will happen soon?'

I mean, I'm really hoping it will happen soon,

cos I'm quite close to my goal-weight

for the wedding and I don't really

want to put it back on with all the upset, so...

Ideally.

In you come.

NEWBORN BABY GRUMBLES

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our new daughter,

fresh out the vagina, still warm as well.

Yeah. This is Robyn.

-Robyn Ariel.

-That is to be determined.

I'm very high right now.

They had to sedate her because she

kept going mental and threatening me.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, look.

'Love is a madness.

'Trust me, it makes you do things

'that you never thought you would normally do.'

Like, my plan was to be a DJ,

make loads of money off of bookings and that,

sell a bit of weed and buy a yard.

Now I'm a family man.

Yeah.

I mean, I've gotta go and blaze in the garden and that, but...

It's all right, I suppose.

Still sick.

Oh, there we go.

-That's better, innit?

-(How do I connect to the Wi-Fi?

-(What?

-How do I connect to the Wi-Fi?

-(The Wi-Fi?)

-This is more interesting than the internet.

Do you know what's amazing?

One day this will turn into something like that.

-Yeah.

-Perfectly formed.

I'll take the phone line crew, yeah?

07050 030...

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Uh, one sec. It's a chick.

It's a chick. Get ready.

What's your name and where do you come from?

'Is Decoy there?'

No, Decoy's NOT here. I'm the main one, it's MC Grindah.

PHONE CLICKS

Hello?

Did she hang up?

No, she didn't hang up, she just...

got cut off, cos she...

ran out of credit.

Um, Chabudds.

Have a word. I think...

something's wrong.

-What's up, Stevie, you all right, mate?

-Yeah, man.

Just, normal, everyday, getting along with things.

You been... You been crying?

Ah, nah.

Just my eyes are, probably.

I'm not.

OK, listen, mate, I get it, OK?

You don't want to be a dishwasher your whole life.

It's not that, man.

I... I really like this job.

It's... It's cos my...Nan died.

-Oh, shit.

-Earlier today, yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

-No.

-Is that why you're wearing that ring?

Yeah.

We've both got quite similar feminine hands.

Come here.

Bring it in, guys, come on.

HE INHALES

HE SIGHS

HE INHALES AGAIN

Life is hard.

-So hard.

-OK, let's get back to work.

Yeah?

-Oh, is that YOUR hand?

-Yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

Beats has had his yute, apparently.

Is it? Sick.

How's that sick?

He's meant to be here.

We're meant to be spending Valentine's together

like we always do.

Do you know what?

Thinking about it, there's probably a free position for you, mate.

Yeah, you'll have to fill his boots.

Going to need someone who actually cares about music and doesn't have a

girlfriend to constantly throw him off everything.

I have a wife, man.

You've got a wife?!

-Yeah.

-You're, like, 17!

Oh, God, do they...force you to get married at a young age in your

-culture?

-What? No, I'm 27, bro.

Oh, right. Fucking hell.

Well, hold on, so...

You're only here cos your chick's at work?

Do you know what? Fuck that. You can leave as well, then.

Yeah, but she ain't finishing for another hour.

No. Don't care, I'm not playing second best,

-you can go and wait outside.

-Serious?

-Go. Just fucking leave.

-Are you serious?

-I don't want you here!

-We've got an hour left, man.

-I don't care. I don't want you here.

Get out. Fucking get out.

Yeah. Go on.

'Do you ever worry that people will quit the station?'

GRINDAH: Nah. I ain't gotta worry about shit like that, like.

Just look at Beats and his baby, do you know what I mean?

It's a phase, yeah?

Like, once it's born, once it's screaming all night and that,

he'll be the one running back to me, like,

"Oh, can I do another set of radio?

"Sorry I missed that one."

"Oh, you need a DJ."

I'll DJ myself.

I don't need anyone.

All I need is me, like.

-Are you ready?

-Right.

-I'm ready.

-OK.

-Yeah, I'll catch you up, two secs.

-Bye, Miche.

-Bye.

-Be careful.

-Careful.

Take those... Sure you're all right locking up on your own?

Yeah, it's fine, you lot have got places to be,

-so I'll just...

-He'll come to his senses soon enough.

-I bet he misses you today.

-OK.

-Night.

See you tomorrow.

-Bye.

-Girls!

Hold tight, everyone out there with their special someone right now.

And the single man, them too, yeah?

I see ya.

Beats usually just does THAT and it works.

MUSIC STOPS THEN RESTARTS

Usually I could do it, but I'm...

I'm distracted.

HE SIGHS

Valentine's Day crew, I got someone I gotta go see.

Normal radio will resume tomorrow...

In a bit.

-HE SIGHS

-Listen to me, Stevie, mate, yeah?

The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh awayeth.

OK? Did you know that Beats and Roche had their child today?

Did they? That's good.

That's how it works, mate, yeah?

We pass it on to the next generation.

We live on through them.

It's the circle of life, mate.

One life ends...

..another begins.

That's mad. I didn't know that's how it worked.

Your nan's spirit will live on.

I see.

-Beats.

-Grindah.

How nice, bruv.

Sick you came, man.

Yeah.

-Did you leave radio?

-Yeah, I turned it off for the day and that.

For me?

Yeah. Fuck it, why not, I thought I'd come and see you.

Cheers, mate.

I want to introduce you to someone.

This is Robyn Ariel.

Ah.

-She likes you.

-It's grabbed my finger.

Yeah.

I'm still quite annoyed at you, though, man.

I had to do radio on my own all day.

I done the aerial on my own.

You got no idea what that's like.

I hear you, mate, but sometimes things are just more important.

-Otherwise...

-Otherwise what?

Well, otherwise you end up on your mate's sofa.

Yeah, well, that's my decision,

cos I could've gone on his top bunk, so...

Have you spoken to Miche? You two really need to talk.

No, I ain't heard from her.

Did you have a good Valentine's Day?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Did you get any more cards?

-Three.

-Three?!

Did YOU have a nice day?

Yeah. This is nice.

'You know, she loves you, you know.'

Fuck knows why, but she does.

You know, you two have really got something,

you've got far too much to let it all just fall by the wayside and

not, like, nurture it like a garden, you know?

You've got a garden of...

-LAUGHS:

-Fuck, I am really fucking high.

Yeah.

-Of course she loves me.

-Of course she does.

She worships me.

-Uh...

-I knew it.

-That's really not...

-No, you're right.

-I'm gonna get her back.

-Yeah?

Yeah.

He's going to get her back.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I'll take these to her.

-Those are my flowers.

Yeah, but you've seen them now, anyway.

Miche loves flowers, probably.

-Good luck, mate.

-Cheers, mate.

-Grindah.

-Yeah?

-Pure Kuruption.

-Each and every.

108.9.

-Sh, sh, sh.

-Oh.

May love be with you forever.

See you later.

Oh... Ti-ti, listen, you can leave early, you get out of here.

I'm going to take care of everything, I'll clean up...

No, no, no, I can't let you do everything.

No, it's fine.

Listen, look, it's Valentine's Day, yeah?

You should be out there getting wined or dined.

-Not both?

-Hey!

Definitely both. You deserve both.

No, it's OK.

Unless you've got some weird reason for needing to get rid of me,

like you've booked a stripper or something.

THEY LAUGH

No, I haven't done that for years.

And if I did want to treat myself, I'd probably go for an escort.

It's more classier.

Yeah.

-Yes, you lot.

-Yeah, Steves.

Oh, right, they're all coming in to look at me like this today.

Just came to see her.

-Oh.

-Put it there.

Thanks for coming, man.

-Do you want to have a hold?

-Can I hold her? Is that all right?

Yeah, course it is.

Just don't drop her. Ha-ha-ha(!)

-That's your Uncle Steves.

-There you go.

-BABY GRUMBLES

-Oops. Got her?

There.

Hello, Nana.

It's me.

Steves.

I'm going to look after your ring for you.

Until you're big enough to wear it yourself.

And I've got your glasses, Nan.

-Circle of life, innit?

-Yeah.

Chabudds was right.

I knew you wouldn't go.

-Oh, oh, delicious.

-Glad you like.

Try it. Open your mouth wide.

No. I'll do it myself.

Can you taste the Viagra?

I'm only joking, only joking.

Viagra is pretty tasteless anyway.

Hey, how about some wine?

I can see what you're doing.

What? It's for her, it's for the nan.

-Give her a little send-off.

-OK, go ahead.

Yeah? OK, cool.

Mmmm.

-OK, stop.

-Huh?

-Stop, stop.

-It's for the nan, it's for Nan, for Nan.

HE GARGLES

You really get the taste if you gargle wine.

Oh, really?

-LIFT ANNOUNCES:

-'Going down.'

It's now or never, really, innit?

'Doors opening.'

-Didn't know you were coming over.

-All right?

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, I guess so.

Got you these. They're flowers.

Thank you. A vase as well?

Yeah. It sort of comes with them.

HE SIGHS

Look, Miche...

I just wanted to come over and just...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm...

I'm ready for you to take me back.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

Cos nothing really that bad actually happened and...

It's been ages now and I've said I'm sorry, so...

-Well, no, you haven't.

-Well, I'm saying it now, then.

Don't be all weird.

Look, the point is that Beats and Roche got their kid now and I can't

really stay there any more, and I just want us to get back together.

But do you think anything has actually changed?

No, but that's the point, like, nothing needs to change, like.

We'll just go back to how it was,

that's the whole point of sorry, innit?

That is not how it works.

Well, do you want to explain how it works to me?

-Can I come in?

-No, I don't think it's a good idea.

What? Have you got a man there?

What?! Of course not!

The point is that you don't give a shit.

You're only here cos Beats kicked you out.

It's not Beats's house, it's Roche's house, and they didn't chuck me out,

they asked me to leave.

You only care about yourself.

You're so lucky to have me and you haven't got a clue.

Yeah, well, maybe you ain't got a clue, yeah?

-I deserve more than this.

-Yeah?

Yeah? Well, good luck trying to find someone better than me.

Fuck's sake.

Miche!

Oh, come on, that's not what I meant.

That's not how it was meant to happen.

Miche!

Miche? Please, Miche.

I'm sorry.

(Fuck's sake.)

I'll just take the stairs.

If you're happy, yeah,

then you should just make sure that nothing changes and just do the same

thing every day for the rest of your life.

Yeah, but change is good, though, innit?

Like, sometimes it's good to leave your comfort zone.

Like, I didn't think I'd like Thai food.

It's actually quite banging.

All right, mate?

Yep.

Am I philosophical? Yeah. And that's why I think, like,

memes and sayings can really help out.

# Lights are blinding my eyes... #

"Dance like nobody's watching."

You know, "If you love someone, let them go."

# People pushing by... #

"When you're at your weakest, you need to be at your strongest."

Stevesy.

Have you got a bed?

-What's that?

-A Valentine's card.

Aw, it's beautiful. Thank you.

# Lights are blinding my eyes... #

Mmmm.

Chateau Blanche.

-No, that's red.

-Is it?

# People pushing by

# Then walking off into the night... #

I believe that everyone has a purpose on this Earth,

and that we will never know what that is.

-Thanks, Nan.

-What's that?

Do you want one? Helps you relax.

'Because you can spend your whole life thinking,'

and you get to the end and your brain turns off and that's it.

So, you might as well just...

chill out.

Enjoy it. A little bit.

# People pushing by... #

Yeah, go on, then, fuck it.

'If you find something you like,

'then you should just keep doing it regardless of what anyone else says,

'yeah? Like, that's living the dream.'

Fuck everything else.

Yeah? Life's too short.

-Innit?

-Yeah.

# People pushing by... #

Grindah.

# Then walking off into the night... #

-Grindah.

-Yeah?