Rivalry People Just Do Nothing


Rivalry

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This programme contains strong language.

0:00:020:00:07

They've taken down the fucking aerial, man.

0:00:070:00:10

-Oh, my God!

-Surely that's wind damage, though, Decoy, right?

0:00:100:00:13

It's got to be wind damage. It can't be Kold FM.

0:00:130:00:16

Fuck's sakes... Got to be wind damage.

0:00:160:00:18

What do you reckon, Chabs? It's definitely wind damage, right?

0:00:180:00:21

Yeah, I don't think this is done by wind damage, mate.

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Not unless the wind used a baseball bat.

0:00:250:00:28

Running your own pirate radio station is a...

0:00:280:00:32

It's a big responsibility.

0:00:320:00:34

Being the leader's hard as well, and I really miss Grindah,

0:00:340:00:39

cos I'm under a lot of stress.

0:00:390:00:41

Well, it's pretty obvious who's done it, innit?

0:00:410:00:43

Well, if it was the fucking Kold FM boys,

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then we need an emergency meeting now.

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Like, this ain't a joke!

0:00:470:00:49

I'm actually getting an M on the top of my head from all the stress.

0:00:490:00:52

-OFF-CAMERA: What, you're going bald?

-Yeah.

0:00:520:00:54

Well, my hairline's going weird.

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I'm worried it's going to turn into an island.

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Grindah would never let himself go bald.

0:01:000:01:02

Yeah, so, first time seeing Miche since I've...

0:01:060:01:09

..given up all the radio and drugs and that, so, yeah.

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Trying to get it, like, normal hair sort of vibe.

0:01:150:01:19

OFF-CAMERA: Do you want Miche to think you've changed?

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Course I want Miche to think I'm changed.

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I want her to think, "Right, like, what's up with him?

0:01:240:01:27

"He definitely wants to get back with me and he's making an effort."

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Cos, like, there's this thing called grafting

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that chicks are obsessed with at the moment, yeah,

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and, like, what it means is basically just doing

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things that you'd never usually do,

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so that that girl thinks that you've suddenly changed

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into a better person.

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Like, to me, that's the sort of modern version of romance,

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do you know what I mean?

0:01:460:01:48

-Square pasta sheets! Mad, innit?

-Mm.

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What you doing with my lasagne?

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I'm making Miche a lasagne.

0:01:530:01:56

Yeah - nothing screams class like a lasagne.

0:01:560:01:58

Well, get your own fucking lasagne sheets, then.

0:01:580:02:00

OK, cool. Do you want me to get back with Miche

0:02:000:02:02

and get out of your house, or...?

0:02:020:02:03

-All right. Fair point, yeah.

-Yeah, thought so.

0:02:030:02:06

You need some stock cubes as well.

0:02:060:02:07

-I'll show you where they are.

-Yeah, cool.

0:02:070:02:09

Just going to pop these down here...

0:02:120:02:15

So, what are you going to say to Daddy if he asks you about the glasses?

0:02:170:02:20

A crazy party you had with your friends.

0:02:200:02:22

Actually, maybe say dinner party, it sounds a bit classier.

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When I was in a relationship,

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I'd say I would prefer to be in a relationship,

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but now I'm not in a relationship,

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I'm loving the single life, obviously.

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Now, what else can we do to make it a bit more...?

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It's, like, the freedom.

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I can just watch what I want on the telly,

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I can eat what I want for dinner.

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You know, it's a real breath of fresh air, you know,

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just being alone, just with my own thoughts

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and...yeah, just having that bit of time for me.

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Miche time.

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Shall we just...make it look a bit more, you know, like we've had fun?

0:02:510:02:54

Let's just... Yeah.

0:02:540:02:56

That looks quite crazy, doesn't it?

0:02:560:02:59

-Um...

-Tomatoes are at the top.

-Ooh, OK.

0:02:590:03:02

-Straight from Italy, probably.

-Probably.

-Yeah.

0:03:020:03:05

Cool, have you got a bag or something?

0:03:050:03:08

You all right? You ain't picking up your phone.

0:03:080:03:11

Did you hear that, Roche? It's like a sort of hissing sound.

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Yeah, sounds like a tiny, pathetic little snake.

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Right, I am not getting involved in any of this, all right?

0:03:170:03:19

I've got to get ready for work,

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and don't forget you're looking after Robin today, innit?

0:03:210:03:23

All right, I'll see you later, darling.

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-I'm looking after Robin today?

-Yeah. You're looking after Robin.

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BABY CRIES

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Listen, mate, I know we ain't talking and that,

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but we got a major fucking problem.

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The Kold FM boys destroyed our aerial.

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Me and Grindah aren't chatting at the moment.

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You know, when you break up with your girlfriend or whatever,

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and it's just you can't, like, eat and that,

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and it's a bit like that, really,

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but with this doom of Kold FM over my head.

0:03:480:03:51

See you later, mate.

0:03:560:03:59

See you later, Roche, OK?

0:03:590:04:00

Great.

0:04:040:04:06

BABY CRIES

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# Twinkle, twinkle, little star

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# How I wonder what you are

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-# Up above... #

-It's working, boys.

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-What are we doing, anyway?

-Well, we're going to sort it.

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Yeah, let's sort it. Let's sort it, mate.

0:04:220:04:23

Yeah, I'm up for sorting it, definitely.

0:04:230:04:25

-What, so it's a...peaceful...?

-Do you have a plan?

-Resolution.

0:04:250:04:28

Yeah. I do have a plan, Decoy.

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I've decided that we should just...

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..just snitch.

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No, I ain't not snitching, man, not me, man.

0:04:370:04:39

Yeah, me neither, man. I'm not snitching.

0:04:390:04:41

-I'll snitch.

-Sweet, you can make the call, then.

0:04:410:04:43

No, we're definitely not snitching!

0:04:430:04:45

Yeah, we're definitely not snitching.

0:04:450:04:47

-Steve, stop throwing everyone off.

-Sorry, I just want peace.

0:04:470:04:50

I'll do it. The studio's near my estate,

0:04:500:04:53

so I'll see what I can find out.

0:04:530:04:55

Why didn't you say that before?

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Perfect, because I actually hate snitching.

0:04:560:04:58

OK, cool. You get the intel

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and then we can go down there and maybe do a stakeout.

0:05:000:05:03

BABY GRIZZLES

0:05:030:05:05

-Right.

-OK, ready?

0:05:050:05:07

One, two, three, four...

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ALL: # Twinkle, twinkle, little star... #

0:05:090:05:13

KNOCKING

0:05:150:05:16

So how does Mummy look?

0:05:160:05:18

Nice.

0:05:180:05:19

-Hiya!

-Hiya!

-Oh, whoa, your hair looks...

0:05:230:05:26

..better.

0:05:280:05:29

Oh, thanks.

0:05:290:05:30

I've come off the drugs.

0:05:320:05:33

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:05:330:05:35

I forgot to tell you, I'm officially a cold turkey.

0:05:350:05:38

-Wow!

-Yeah. So I'm thinking about getting into CVs and that

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and maybe getting a job or whatever.

0:05:410:05:43

Well, that's amazing, yeah. Well done, you.

0:05:430:05:45

Let me know if you need help with your spelling

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or your Word Art or anything.

0:05:470:05:49

Miche, that'd be incredible. I might...

0:05:490:05:51

Oh, going out?

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Oh, you know me, I'm just busy, busy, busy, nonstop, so...

0:05:520:05:56

-I'll see you in a bit.

-Yeah? No worries. See you later.

0:05:560:05:58

-You all right, Tanya?

-Oh, hi, Miche, I didn't think you were in today.

0:06:040:06:07

-Yeah. No, I left the house a bit early, so I thought I'd just come and check in.

-Oh, that's nice.

0:06:070:06:11

Oh, you mean check in like that.

0:06:110:06:13

Yeah, I'm just saying I'm doing my hair, you know,

0:06:130:06:15

just so Grindah and everyone else can see how well I'm doing.

0:06:150:06:18

-On Facebook.

-Exactly.

0:06:180:06:19

Tanya, would you mind just sort of pretending to cut my hair for me,

0:06:190:06:22

-and then I can just get a picture of it for my Snap?

-Yeah.

0:06:220:06:25

Well, it's quite quiet. Why don't we just give it a trim anyway?

0:06:250:06:28

No, haven't got time. I need to check into a few bars before I go.

0:06:280:06:31

-So this is fine. OK.

-Oh, OK...

0:06:310:06:33

And then just look really happy, yeah?

0:06:340:06:37

OK.

0:06:370:06:38

I've been really busy on social media since the break-up,

0:06:380:06:41

just been checking in to anything and everything

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so that everyone can just see how well I'm doing.

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-OFF-CAMERA:

-Do you think social media shows your true self?

0:06:450:06:48

Definitely, because it's not me speaking to you right now,

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sort of saying any old thing that comes in my head,

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it's me sort of thinking about what I'm saying, deleting it,

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writing it again, deleting it and then posting to the world.

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So, yeah, it's... It's a more accurate me.

0:06:580:07:01

-All right? Oh, that was quick.

-Thanks! See you.

-Yeah. OK, bye.

0:07:010:07:04

-Bye!

-Have a nice time tonight.

0:07:040:07:07

What was that? It's like a hit-and-run.

0:07:070:07:09

-Is that all for his benefit, then?

-Course it is.

0:07:110:07:13

She's going to go and check in at the curry house over the road now.

0:07:130:07:16

We used to have water fights round here back in the day.

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Yeah, it was sick, and then it got a bit stabby round here, so we just...

0:07:210:07:24

Yeah, made the water fights way more intense.

0:07:240:07:27

All right, sweet, yeah. These are the blocks, here.

0:07:270:07:29

-Are you ready, Steven?

-Yeah.

0:07:290:07:30

OK, boys, keep it covert, yeah?

0:07:300:07:33

Let me just pop this down, get that ready.

0:07:330:07:35

-Here we go! Good girl.

-Daddy's going undercover, Robin.

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Please don't scream.

0:07:380:07:39

-OK, ready to go.

-Shh, shh-shh-shh-shh.

0:07:390:07:42

OK, let's go. OK, come on.

0:07:420:07:44

-OFF-CAMERA:

-Is it hard to find a pirate radio station?

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A pirate radio station is the same as a woman -

0:07:470:07:51

very elusive, very secretive, very deceptive, yeah?

0:07:510:07:55

They both lie a lot, you know?

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But I say that, don't I? I'm very good at finding people, you know.

0:07:580:08:02

I'm like that bloody Liam Neeson and that, you know.

0:08:020:08:05

I will find you. I will track you down,

0:08:050:08:07

and I will kill you...

0:08:070:08:09

Not kill you, but I will bloody get my Merc back.

0:08:090:08:13

We're just three lads, out with a baby, having a stroll.

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-Three dads.

-Yeah. No, lads, not dads.

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Shh, shh-shh.

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Check this out!

0:08:200:08:22

-Bruno!

-What are you doing?

0:08:220:08:24

Pretending I've got a dog, isn't it? Improvise.

0:08:240:08:27

-Bruno...?

-Bruno!

0:08:270:08:29

-My dog, Bruno!

-He might be in the bushes over there, somewhere.

0:08:290:08:32

-He might be, yeah. Yeah.

-Bruno!

-Bruno!

0:08:320:08:34

-WHISTLE BLOWS, BABY CRIES

-Bruno!

-Oh, for fuck's sake, Steve!

0:08:360:08:40

-I'm going to have to take her back.

-Can't leave Bruno here.

0:08:400:08:43

There is no Bruno, Steve.

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-Sorry, Nan.

-Shh-shh-shh.

0:08:450:08:47

-No, she's not your nan, Steve. How many times?

-She is my nan.

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-You are my man, I know.

-Just be cool, be cool. Yeah?

0:08:500:08:53

OK, just play it cool.

0:08:540:08:56

Just a couple of lads.

0:09:010:09:03

Bruno!

0:09:070:09:08

HE WHISTLES

0:09:080:09:10

Bruno!

0:09:110:09:12

And that's peeling an onion.

0:09:140:09:17

It isn't actually as easy as it looks.

0:09:190:09:21

Oh, Jesus Christ, man!

0:09:230:09:25

Look at that!

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Freshly chopped!

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So that instantly starts... Look at that!

0:09:290:09:32

-VOICEOVER:

-Do you know what? I love cooking.

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I just never tried it.

0:09:340:09:36

Ah, you can really smell the flavours, can't you?

0:09:360:09:39

Ah...!

0:09:390:09:40

None of that microwave lasagne, you got to do your own,

0:09:400:09:42

know what I mean?

0:09:420:09:43

Buy your white sauce, buy your red sauce,

0:09:430:09:46

buy the sheets, buy the meat, cook it all together and mix it.

0:09:460:09:48

Do you know what I mean? Fresh, home-cooked lasagne.

0:09:480:09:51

So, are you moving back in?

0:09:510:09:54

Well, Angel, that's something me and your mum are going to have to discuss

0:09:540:09:57

after she tries this wonderful little lasagne.

0:09:570:10:00

I still am the man of the house, just so you know.

0:10:010:10:03

Just because I don't live in the house, like, and that.

0:10:030:10:06

She ain't had no other man in the house, has she?

0:10:060:10:08

-Yes.

-What? Who?

0:10:080:10:10

-Uncle Decoy.

-Oh, no, I'm thinking of other men that you don't know, like.

0:10:100:10:14

-Was there?

-No.

-No, good.

0:10:140:10:16

Because I will crush everyone, you know that, Angel, yeah?

0:10:180:10:23

Now, Robin, if that is your real name...

0:10:230:10:28

Do you remember this? That's you.

0:10:280:10:31

"World's greatest grandma."

0:10:330:10:35

Look at these, you remember these?

0:10:350:10:37

Your favourite, custard creams.

0:10:370:10:41

Remember them?

0:10:410:10:42

What about that?

0:10:420:10:44

Jog any memories?

0:10:440:10:46

Any flashbacks?

0:10:460:10:48

-VOICEOVER:

-People are saying, "Oh, you think your nan

0:10:480:10:51

"came back as a baby, yeah, that's...you're mad," or whatever,

0:10:510:10:55

but reincarnation's a tricky one.

0:10:550:10:58

I've got an idea.

0:10:580:10:59

-VOICEOVER:

-It's like if you're a butterfly,

0:10:590:11:02

and you see your old caterpillar mate,

0:11:020:11:04

and you're like, "Bruv, what you saying? It's me."

0:11:040:11:06

He might not recognise you, cos he remembers you as a caterpillar.

0:11:060:11:10

And it's the same with, like, people -

0:11:100:11:12

like, you are evolving, you go into the next body

0:11:120:11:16

and it's hard to keep track of, like, your old caterpillar mate,

0:11:160:11:20

if you're...a butterfly.

0:11:200:11:24

What I'm going to do is I'm just going to show you this...

0:11:260:11:28

..and I want you to tell me if it's better with the glasses...

0:11:300:11:33

..or without the glasses.

0:11:350:11:36

So, that's with...

0:11:390:11:40

..or without?

0:11:420:11:43

Shall we try it one more time?

0:11:460:11:47

With...

0:11:470:11:48

..or without?

0:11:500:11:52

It's inconclusive, I think.

0:11:540:11:55

Have to try something else.

0:11:550:11:57

Stakeouts are way better in movies.

0:12:000:12:02

Listen, Kev, mate, you wouldn't know of anyone who kind of deals in

0:12:060:12:10

kind of short, substantial loans

0:12:100:12:11

with kind of, like, minimum paperwork, no ID or anything?

0:12:110:12:15

Like, quick loans.

0:12:150:12:17

No, the only person I know is you.

0:12:170:12:21

OK, listen, Kevin, what I'm going to tell you right now might shock you.

0:12:210:12:25

-I'm bankrupt. I need the loan.

-Shit.

0:12:250:12:29

I lost everything, mate.

0:12:290:12:30

-I lost my restaurant...

-Serious?

-Yeah.

0:12:300:12:32

For the last two months, mate, I've been living in this van.

0:12:320:12:35

You know what I mean? I'm pathetic. I'm literally a man in a van.

0:12:350:12:40

It is kind of sick, innit, though?

0:12:400:12:42

I'd love this. Like, no responsibility.

0:12:420:12:45

It's like living in a caravan.

0:12:450:12:47

You're a man of the road, Chabsy.

0:12:470:12:49

You're a road man.

0:12:490:12:51

-Yeah, I guess I am a bit of a road man.

-You are, yeah.

0:12:510:12:54

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you're living OG, off-grid.

0:12:540:12:57

I am an OG, yeah.

0:12:570:12:58

-Kind of like nomad style, you know.

-Yeah.

0:12:580:13:00

-Like, I'm not living by society's kind of rules and that.

-Exactly.

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I'm like, kind of, just doing what I want to do, you know what I mean?

0:13:040:13:07

-Like, driving where I want to drive...

-Yeah!

0:13:070:13:08

-Hair blowing in the wind.

-Why not?

0:13:080:13:10

Shitting in a bucket... Just living life like I want to live life.

0:13:100:13:13

You shit in a bucket?

0:13:130:13:15

Shh, let's just con...

0:13:170:13:19

Keep your eyes peeled.

0:13:190:13:21

Brentford girls on tour, yeah!

0:13:210:13:25

-Woo!

-Wahey!

0:13:250:13:27

Love it.

0:13:280:13:30

-VOICEOVER:

-I want Miche to be happy. That's all, you know?

0:13:300:13:32

I think she deserves a really good man.

0:13:320:13:34

Yeah, but her idea of a good man

0:13:340:13:35

is someone with money and chest hair, so...

0:13:350:13:38

That's not necessarily true.

0:13:380:13:39

I can take or leave the chest hair.

0:13:390:13:41

I mean, Mick was very smooth,

0:13:410:13:44

and that boy in Turkey barely had armpit hair.

0:13:440:13:46

So.

0:13:470:13:49

Listen, Miche...

0:13:490:13:50

-Yeah?

-Yeah. You know you said about, like, Grindah and stuff?

0:13:500:13:53

-Yeah.

-You are definitely on your own, ain't you?

0:13:530:13:55

-Yeah.

-There she is! Carol!

0:13:550:13:57

-Mum, I don't...

-I've got a little surprise for you...

0:13:570:14:00

-Mum, please, please...

-Listen, it'd do you good.

0:14:000:14:02

-I'm really, really...

-Listen!

0:14:020:14:03

-Trying to put a smile on your face, trust me.

-Please, Mum!

0:14:030:14:06

-Hello, gorgeous, how are you?

-How you doing? You all right?

0:14:060:14:08

-Good to see you, babes!

-Right, I told you about...

0:14:080:14:12

-You must be Matias.

-Matias.

0:14:120:14:14

-GIGGLING:

-Matias...I love it!

0:14:140:14:16

So, this is Miche.

0:14:160:14:18

-Hello.

-You two have got a lot in common.

0:14:180:14:19

You're both hairdressers, right.

0:14:190:14:21

-Very nice to meet you.

-You too...oh...

0:14:210:14:23

It's nice to meet you.

0:14:230:14:24

LAUGHTER

0:14:240:14:26

-I love your hair.

-Shut up! I look like a disgusting freak!

0:14:260:14:29

-We'll go get a little drink, yeah?

-Yeah, let's do that. Excuse me.

0:14:290:14:32

-Mum, why are they here?

-Listen, I reckon he'd fuck you.

0:14:320:14:35

You should give it a go, all right?

0:14:350:14:38

Right, it's nearly done. Get on top of the cheese, please, Angel.

0:14:400:14:43

-OK, Dad.

-Teamwork, innit?

0:14:430:14:45

Yeah, man is a responsible man right now, innit, Ange?

0:14:450:14:49

-Yeah.

-I tell you I quit blazing?

0:14:490:14:51

Yeah. It's been quite intense, actually.

0:14:510:14:53

I can't find the cheese grater.

0:14:540:14:57

Cheese grater! Jesus Christ, these kids don't know they was born.

0:14:570:15:01

Angel, here you go. Use this, yeah? But cut it really small - thank you.

0:15:010:15:04

OK.

0:15:040:15:06

Oh, this red sauce is something else.

0:15:060:15:09

Oh, a little bit faster, all right, please? Thank you.

0:15:090:15:13

Nice!

0:15:150:15:16

What's "candle" in Spanish?

0:15:160:15:17

Candle is... That is, how you say, "vela".

0:15:170:15:21

Ah! That's nice, a nice name, isn't it?

0:15:210:15:23

"Vela en el viento", and this is like the song

0:15:230:15:27

-Candle In The Wind.

-Oh, I love that song.

0:15:270:15:29

-I love Princess Diana.

-Yeah. This is from Princess Diana?

0:15:290:15:31

Yeah, yeah, she wrote it.

0:15:310:15:33

How do you say rose wine in Spanish?

0:15:330:15:36

Vino rose.

0:15:360:15:37

SHE GIGGLES

0:15:370:15:39

-Same again?

-Oh, yeah, please.

0:15:390:15:41

OK, I get some drinks.

0:15:410:15:42

Tell you what, mate, he is cracking, isn't he?

0:15:420:15:44

He's very friendly. Very good at Spanish, actually, yeah.

0:15:440:15:47

-Yeah.

-He...he is Spanish.

-Yeah.

0:15:470:15:49

I've got an idea. Let's settle this once and for all.

0:15:490:15:53

Which of these do you prefer?

0:15:540:15:56

Nike jumper? Or...

0:15:560:16:00

..cream cardigan?

0:16:010:16:02

Look, it's coming back.

0:16:040:16:07

Remember these? Do you remember these?

0:16:070:16:09

Do you remember? Think!

0:16:090:16:11

Remember, remember, remember who you are.

0:16:110:16:14

-WHISPERING:

-Remember! Remember!

0:16:160:16:19

Hey, look at that! Remember!

0:16:190:16:21

Remember! Do you remember?

0:16:240:16:26

Something's clicked.

0:16:300:16:31

It's you, isn't it, Nan?

0:16:340:16:35

It's her.

0:16:370:16:38

KEVIN HUMS

0:16:380:16:40

Kevin! Kevin, over there, mate.

0:16:460:16:48

I see one male, yeah, baseball hat, record bag, five o'clock.

0:16:480:16:52

Where's five o'clock?

0:16:520:16:54

I'm just saying that's the time. I'm noting it down.

0:16:540:16:56

-He's over there, look!

-Oh, yeah, I can see him.

0:16:560:16:58

All right, listen. Get out of the car, follow him on foot.

0:16:580:17:01

-Why have I got to follow him?

-Well, obviously I can't do it, man.

0:17:010:17:03

My whole style is based around being noticed. I'm a peacock.

0:17:030:17:06

Fuck's sake, yeah, it's true. You're too flamboyant.

0:17:060:17:09

-All right. Chabsy?

-Yeah?

0:17:090:17:11

-Cover me.

-What? You got a gun?

0:17:110:17:15

No, it's just cos we're doing the stakeout thing.

0:17:150:17:17

-It's what people say, innit?

-Oh, shit. Yeah, cool, all right.

0:17:170:17:19

Kevin, clear! You're covered on this side.

0:17:240:17:26

Shut up!

0:17:260:17:28

Oh, no, that's...

0:17:300:17:31

Hi there!

0:17:330:17:34

Oh, get some candles. Miche, where are your candles?

0:17:340:17:37

Oh, I thought you were scared of candles.

0:17:370:17:39

No. I wanted to put the finishing touches on our little surprise.

0:17:390:17:42

-It's our lasagne.

-Oh, did you do it all by yourselves?

0:17:420:17:45

-I did the main bit, but, yeah.

-Oh, looks lovely.

0:17:450:17:48

Yeah, thank you. I was thinking it might...might be nice

0:17:480:17:51

-if we could sit down and get a...

-LAUGHTER

0:17:510:17:53

-Yeah...

-You've got people in there?

0:17:530:17:56

-Yeah, sorry.

-Hiya! All right, muggins?

0:17:560:17:59

Yeah, you can go now. Playtime's up.

0:17:590:18:01

Oh, that's funny. How have you been, anyway?

0:18:010:18:03

-How have I been?

-Yeah.

0:18:030:18:05

You on drugs?

0:18:050:18:06

I've actually given the drugs up, but thanks for your concern, though.

0:18:060:18:10

-He's gone weird.

-Just go in there - he's making an effort, Mum...

0:18:100:18:13

-Did you know they were all coming?

-No.

0:18:130:18:17

-Here we go!

-Yeah, no big deal, yeah.

-Oh, a new one?

0:18:170:18:19

Who's that?

0:18:190:18:20

-Yeah...

-See that guy in there?

0:18:200:18:22

-Ask him who he is, what the hell he's doing here, yeah?

-OK.

0:18:220:18:26

-Oh, my Angel!

-Hola!

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

0:18:260:18:29

Daddy says, "Who are you?"

0:18:290:18:32

Shit!

0:18:390:18:40

PHONE CHIMES

0:18:420:18:45

Yes, Kevin, mate.

0:18:450:18:46

They've gone into the flat. I don't know what to do.

0:18:460:18:49

OK, we need to make sure it's definitely

0:18:490:18:51

-a pirate radio station, yeah.

-OK.

0:18:510:18:53

Yeah, not just some bloody hipster with a cool bag.

0:18:530:18:56

All right, stay on the line.

0:18:560:18:57

OK, yeah, no, this is it.

0:18:590:19:00

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

0:19:000:19:02

So what are you hearing? What are you hearing?

0:19:040:19:06

They're playing jungle, old-school jungle.

0:19:060:19:09

-Jungle?

-Definitely.

0:19:090:19:10

Oh, shit, mate.

0:19:100:19:11

-You all right, mate?

-Yeah, mate.

0:19:130:19:15

Just looking for my mate's house, mate.

0:19:150:19:18

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-Who's your mate, then?

0:19:180:19:21

Um...my mate, his name's Barney.

0:19:210:19:25

-What?

-Barney, you sent me to the wrong flat again, you dickhead.

0:19:250:19:27

-Who's Barney? Kevin, who's Barney?

-Oi, Scott!

0:19:270:19:30

-Abort mission...!

-There's some geezer here looking for you, mate.

0:19:300:19:33

Start the Merc!

0:19:330:19:34

I'm coming!

0:19:340:19:36

Come back!

0:19:360:19:37

SHOUTING

0:19:390:19:41

-Start the van up!

-What?

-Please! Get in the van!

0:19:430:19:46

-Quickly!

-Fuck, they're coming!

0:19:460:19:49

-Please!

-Fuck...

-This way, this way! Go, go, go, go!

0:19:490:19:52

SHOUTING CONTINUES

0:19:520:19:54

Down there, mate.

0:19:540:19:57

Me and Mum actually went to Lanzarote, didn't we, recently?

0:19:570:19:59

We did, oh, we had a scream.

0:19:590:20:01

Hey, don't you show him all those photos!

0:20:010:20:03

Lanzagrotty, some people call it.

0:20:030:20:05

Just going to say, food's nearly done if you want to...

0:20:050:20:08

Yeah?

0:20:080:20:09

-You all right?

-Hello.

-Hi! Yeah, it's just...

0:20:100:20:14

Just saying, er... Trying to call you from there,

0:20:140:20:17

you didn't hear me.

0:20:170:20:18

Food is nearly done, so if you want to...

0:20:180:20:20

OK, yeah.

0:20:200:20:21

Why don't you make yourself useful and go and get some wine?

0:20:210:20:24

No, don't be rude, Mum, no...

0:20:240:20:25

No, honestly, it's... It'll be my pleasure.

0:20:250:20:28

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Don't thank him.

0:20:280:20:30

Being nice does get you places, do you know what I mean?

0:20:300:20:32

Like, you've not seen it from me, cos I am a nice person,

0:20:320:20:35

but when I'm at Kurupt and that, I've got to be, bang,

0:20:350:20:37

on the ball, on the ball.

0:20:370:20:39

Carol? Allow me.

0:20:390:20:41

Enjoy, enjoy! Yeah, sure.

0:20:410:20:44

Thank you.

0:20:440:20:45

So with Miche, I've got to be nice, because then she'll realise,

0:20:450:20:49

she'll be like, "Oh, is he actually a nice person now?"

0:20:490:20:52

Little does she know that I'm pretending to be nice

0:20:520:20:54

just to get her back, do you know what I mean?

0:20:540:20:56

And that just shows how much I care, I think.

0:20:560:20:58

Go on, then.

0:20:580:21:00

This is all yours, look!

0:21:010:21:04

Touch it!

0:21:040:21:05

That's all for you, that.

0:21:050:21:07

My nan left a load of money for me.

0:21:070:21:10

Um...so I'm just sort of holding on to it for her.

0:21:100:21:13

You are rich for your age, definitely.

0:21:130:21:16

It's quite mad, actually, how much money you got.

0:21:160:21:19

Whatever she needs, I'll get it for her,

0:21:190:21:21

then once she's old enough

0:21:210:21:22

to understand money and reincarnation,

0:21:220:21:24

I'll just sit her down and explain exactly what's going on.

0:21:240:21:27

Tuck in, they're going to see you, mate.

0:21:300:21:32

Tuck in, Kevin.

0:21:320:21:33

-Why won't they leave?

-Oh, my God!

0:21:340:21:37

Too young to die.

0:21:370:21:38

They better not touch my Merc, mate. She's all I've got left.

0:21:380:21:41

-OFF-CAMERA:

-Have you been in a lot of fights, then?

0:21:420:21:44

I've had one fight, actually,

0:21:440:21:47

at Education In Dance at Brentford Leisure Centre.

0:21:470:21:51

This girl threw my cap off my head

0:21:510:21:53

and then I said, "What are you doing?"

0:21:530:21:56

And she just smacked me in the face.

0:21:560:21:58

So after that I just... lowed it.

0:21:580:22:00

-Miche! Food's ready.

-All right.

0:22:000:22:03

Oh, look at that!

0:22:030:22:05

Oh, wow... It's good.

0:22:080:22:10

-There you go!

-My God, well done.

-Lasagne.

-It's very good.

0:22:100:22:13

In squares as well.

0:22:130:22:14

Oh, you did the cutlery the right way round as well.

0:22:140:22:17

-I did, yeah.

-God, well done!

0:22:170:22:19

I thought it'd be really nice...

0:22:190:22:21

Oh, you're eating, are you?

0:22:210:22:23

I thought it was maybe just...

0:22:230:22:25

I thought it might be nice for us two to catch up, actually.

0:22:250:22:28

Sorry, can I...? Can I just...?

0:22:290:22:32

-Yeah.

-Thanks, mate. Get a drink.

0:22:320:22:35

-Oh.

-Thank you very much.

0:22:350:22:37

-Yeah, no worries.

-Perfect!

0:22:370:22:38

I think they've gone back to their station.

0:22:430:22:45

OK, just act normal, act normal. Nothing's wrong, just act normal.

0:22:450:22:49

I can't believe we just snitched, man.

0:22:490:22:51

-Listen, Kevin, mate, mate...

-I'm shaking.

0:22:510:22:53

We did what we had to do.

0:22:530:22:56

-All right, I mean, technically, you did it, but...

-Yeah.

-We did it.

0:22:560:22:59

Look, man, we can't tell anyone about that, literally.

0:22:590:23:01

Like, no-one needs to know, like.

0:23:010:23:04

-It's embarrassing.

-How much not to talk?

0:23:040:23:07

What do you mean, "How much not to talk"?

0:23:070:23:09

If you tell anyone, I'll tell them you live in a shitty Renault

0:23:090:23:11

and you shit in a bucket.

0:23:110:23:13

-It's a Merc.

-It's a Renault.

0:23:130:23:15

Come on, man, we got to get out of here.

0:23:170:23:20

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

0:23:200:23:23

MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:240:23:27

-I've got...I've got one for you.

-Miche...

-No peeking!

-I know her!

0:23:280:23:31

VOICEOVER: Love makes you do stupid things.

0:23:310:23:34

You can't describe it, can you? It's this beautiful thing

0:23:340:23:37

that just hits you and you can't stop it,

0:23:370:23:39

and it's, like, filling your body

0:23:390:23:40

and you want it to go away cos you feel uncomfortable and scared,

0:23:400:23:43

but you also want it to stay there, cos, you know...

0:23:430:23:46

It's almost like you can phone in sick and lie in bed all day and sort of enjoy the day.

0:23:460:23:49

It's sort of like being ill.

0:23:490:23:51

-Bye, cheers! Thanks for the lasagne.

-Oh, right, no...

0:23:510:23:53

Yeah, my pleasure. Yeah...

0:23:530:23:55

Mitch, do you want to take my number,

0:23:550:23:58

just in case you want to meet again with me?

0:23:580:24:00

LAUGHING: Sorry! I just...

0:24:000:24:02

I don't know if I'm really in a place

0:24:020:24:04

where I can do that right now, so...

0:24:040:24:06

Ah. OK, but...

0:24:060:24:08

Well, you know, obviously, like, with the language barrier and everything,

0:24:090:24:13

you know, it just...it might not...

0:24:130:24:14

But I'm speaking English.

0:24:140:24:16

Yes, yeah, so...

0:24:160:24:17

OK, OK.

0:24:170:24:18

-No, you too, yeah!

-OK....

0:24:180:24:20

Love this one.

0:24:290:24:30

Hello! Hello!

0:24:360:24:39

-Man.

-Yes, brother.

0:24:390:24:41

Shaking, man.

0:24:410:24:42

What happened? Did you find Kold FM?

0:24:420:24:44

Yeah, we...sorted it.

0:24:440:24:46

What happened?

0:24:470:24:49

Just... Look, it's sorted.

0:24:490:24:52

Did you beat the shit out of them?

0:24:520:24:55

Yeah, course.

0:24:550:24:56

-Can I see your knuckles?

-I already washed them.

0:24:560:24:59

Clean.

0:25:000:25:02

OFF-CAMERA: So what happened with Kold FM?

0:25:020:25:04

Need-to-know basis, mate.

0:25:040:25:05

Let's say that if someone cut down a tree in a forest, yeah,

0:25:070:25:11

and no-one was there to see it...

0:25:110:25:12

..did it even matter or did it even happen?

0:25:140:25:17

Let's not point fingers

0:25:170:25:18

about who called the tree surgeon or whatever,

0:25:180:25:21

let's just...keep it moving.

0:25:210:25:23

That's what happens.

0:25:230:25:25

That's what happens when you mess with Kurupt FM. Innit?

0:25:250:25:29

Yep.

0:25:290:25:31

Don't...

0:25:310:25:32

..fuck with us.

0:25:330:25:35

God, that Matias was a bit sleazy, wasn't he?

0:25:380:25:40

I dunno, he was all right.

0:25:400:25:42

Isn't that the stuff that we use on the cushions?

0:25:420:25:44

Yeah, but also good on washing up and that, so...

0:25:440:25:48

It's an old wives' tale sort of thing.

0:25:480:25:51

OK, yeah. Right, well, I'll let you get on with that.

0:25:510:25:54

OK, yeah. You go put your feet up.

0:25:540:25:57

-VOICEOVER:

-They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

0:26:030:26:06

and if you love someone then let them go.

0:26:060:26:09

But it's bollocks, really, innit?

0:26:090:26:11

If you love someone, be around them all the time

0:26:110:26:13

to remind them that you're better than anyone else

0:26:130:26:15

and show them that you're the perfect man.

0:26:150:26:17

HOOVER HUMS

0:26:170:26:20

Thought I'd give the place a little once-over.

0:26:280:26:30

Yeah, don't worry about it, it's fine. It's a bit late.

0:26:300:26:32

-Angel's asleep, so let's...

-It's all good.

0:26:320:26:34

I'll just bang it out real quick.

0:26:340:26:36

-Did you want a little bit of this?

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

0:26:360:26:40

Fuck it, old times' sake, innit?

0:26:400:26:42

Yeah, and don't worry about doing any more cleaning.

0:26:420:26:44

Mm...honestly, I just wanted to finish this

0:26:440:26:48

and then I'll make a start on the inside of the oven.

0:26:480:26:50

Oh, no, no. Seriously, you've done enough.

0:26:500:26:52

You don't need to do any more.

0:26:520:26:54

-I've done enough.

-Yeah.

0:26:540:26:56

Cool, well,

0:26:560:26:58

unless you wanted to...

0:26:580:26:59

-No...

-Yeah, oh, no, I'll shoot off.

0:27:010:27:03

-Yeah.

-Cool, yeah.

0:27:030:27:04

Yeah, you just...yeah, get home. Get home safe, and...yeah.

0:27:040:27:07

-I will.

-I'll see you next week, yeah?

0:27:070:27:10

See you later, Miche.

0:27:100:27:11

Did you hear that?

0:27:150:27:17

She said I'd done enough.

0:27:170:27:18

Oh...see you fuckers in a bit!

0:27:200:27:24

Daddy got home safe, little Robin. Sweet dreams.

0:27:250:27:29

Kevin?

0:27:290:27:31

Have you got any idea

0:27:310:27:32

why there is four grand stuffed into Robin's baby bag?

0:27:320:27:37

-Look at that!

-I'll give it back to him tomorrow.

0:27:380:27:40

Yeah, please do.

0:27:400:27:42

Steve thinks it's Robin's money.

0:27:420:27:44

I might take a score, just for a rainy day.

0:27:460:27:48

-For Robin.

-For Robin, yeah.

0:27:480:27:51

Yeah, go on, then.

0:27:510:27:52

Yeah, get one for me, too, for Robin.

0:27:520:27:55

There you go, mate.

0:27:570:27:59

Make sure you give it back to him tomorrow, yeah?

0:27:590:28:01

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