Rivalry People Just Do Nothing

This programme contains strong language.

They've taken down the fucking aerial, man.

-Oh, my God!

-Surely that's wind damage, though, Decoy, right?

It's got to be wind damage. It can't be Kold FM.

Fuck's sakes... Got to be wind damage.

What do you reckon, Chabs? It's definitely wind damage, right?

Yeah, I don't think this is done by wind damage, mate.

Not unless the wind used a baseball bat.

Running your own pirate radio station is a...

It's a big responsibility.

Being the leader's hard as well, and I really miss Grindah,

cos I'm under a lot of stress.

Well, it's pretty obvious who's done it, innit?

Well, if it was the fucking Kold FM boys,

then we need an emergency meeting now.

Like, this ain't a joke!

I'm actually getting an M on the top of my head from all the stress.

-OFF-CAMERA: What, you're going bald?

-Yeah.

Well, my hairline's going weird.

I'm worried it's going to turn into an island.

Grindah would never let himself go bald.

Yeah, so, first time seeing Miche since I've...

..given up all the radio and drugs and that, so, yeah.

Trying to get it, like, normal hair sort of vibe.

OFF-CAMERA: Do you want Miche to think you've changed?

Course I want Miche to think I'm changed.

I want her to think, "Right, like, what's up with him?

"He definitely wants to get back with me and he's making an effort."

Cos, like, there's this thing called grafting

that chicks are obsessed with at the moment, yeah,

and, like, what it means is basically just doing

things that you'd never usually do,

so that that girl thinks that you've suddenly changed

into a better person.

Like, to me, that's the sort of modern version of romance,

do you know what I mean?

-Square pasta sheets! Mad, innit?

-Mm.

What you doing with my lasagne?

I'm making Miche a lasagne.

Yeah - nothing screams class like a lasagne.

Well, get your own fucking lasagne sheets, then.

OK, cool. Do you want me to get back with Miche

and get out of your house, or...?

-All right. Fair point, yeah.

-Yeah, thought so.

You need some stock cubes as well.

-I'll show you where they are.

-Yeah, cool.

Just going to pop these down here...

So, what are you going to say to Daddy if he asks you about the glasses?

A crazy party you had with your friends.

Actually, maybe say dinner party, it sounds a bit classier.

When I was in a relationship,

I'd say I would prefer to be in a relationship,

but now I'm not in a relationship,

I'm loving the single life, obviously.

Now, what else can we do to make it a bit more...?

It's, like, the freedom.

I can just watch what I want on the telly,

I can eat what I want for dinner.

You know, it's a real breath of fresh air, you know,

just being alone, just with my own thoughts

and...yeah, just having that bit of time for me.

Miche time.

Shall we just...make it look a bit more, you know, like we've had fun?

Let's just... Yeah.

That looks quite crazy, doesn't it?

-Um...

-Tomatoes are at the top.

-Ooh, OK.

-Straight from Italy, probably.

-Probably.

-Yeah.

Cool, have you got a bag or something?

You all right? You ain't picking up your phone.

Did you hear that, Roche? It's like a sort of hissing sound.

Yeah, sounds like a tiny, pathetic little snake.

Right, I am not getting involved in any of this, all right?

I've got to get ready for work,

and don't forget you're looking after Robin today, innit?

All right, I'll see you later, darling.

-I'm looking after Robin today?

-Yeah. You're looking after Robin.

BABY CRIES

Listen, mate, I know we ain't talking and that,

but we got a major fucking problem.

The Kold FM boys destroyed our aerial.

Me and Grindah aren't chatting at the moment.

You know, when you break up with your girlfriend or whatever,

and it's just you can't, like, eat and that,

and it's a bit like that, really,

but with this doom of Kold FM over my head.

See you later, mate.

See you later, Roche, OK?

Great.

BABY CRIES

# Twinkle, twinkle, little star

# How I wonder what you are

-# Up above... #

-It's working, boys.

-What are we doing, anyway?

-Well, we're going to sort it.

Yeah, let's sort it. Let's sort it, mate.

Yeah, I'm up for sorting it, definitely.

-What, so it's a...peaceful...?

-Do you have a plan?

-Resolution.

Yeah. I do have a plan, Decoy.

I've decided that we should just...

..just snitch.

No, I ain't not snitching, man, not me, man.

Yeah, me neither, man. I'm not snitching.

-I'll snitch.

-Sweet, you can make the call, then.

No, we're definitely not snitching!

Yeah, we're definitely not snitching.

-Steve, stop throwing everyone off.

-Sorry, I just want peace.

I'll do it. The studio's near my estate,

so I'll see what I can find out.

Why didn't you say that before?

Perfect, because I actually hate snitching.

OK, cool. You get the intel

and then we can go down there and maybe do a stakeout.

BABY GRIZZLES

-Right.

-OK, ready?

One, two, three, four...

ALL: # Twinkle, twinkle, little star... #

KNOCKING

So how does Mummy look?

Nice.

-Hiya!

-Hiya!

-Oh, whoa, your hair looks...

..better.

Oh, thanks.

I've come off the drugs.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I forgot to tell you, I'm officially a cold turkey.

-Wow!

-Yeah. So I'm thinking about getting into CVs and that

and maybe getting a job or whatever.

Well, that's amazing, yeah. Well done, you.

Let me know if you need help with your spelling

or your Word Art or anything.

Miche, that'd be incredible. I might...

Oh, going out?

Oh, you know me, I'm just busy, busy, busy, nonstop, so...

-I'll see you in a bit.

-Yeah? No worries. See you later.

-You all right, Tanya?

-Oh, hi, Miche, I didn't think you were in today.

-Yeah. No, I left the house a bit early, so I thought I'd just come and check in.

-Oh, that's nice.

Oh, you mean check in like that.

Yeah, I'm just saying I'm doing my hair, you know,

just so Grindah and everyone else can see how well I'm doing.

-On Facebook.

-Exactly.

Tanya, would you mind just sort of pretending to cut my hair for me,

-and then I can just get a picture of it for my Snap?

-Yeah.

Well, it's quite quiet. Why don't we just give it a trim anyway?

No, haven't got time. I need to check into a few bars before I go.

-So this is fine. OK.

-Oh, OK...

And then just look really happy, yeah?

OK.

I've been really busy on social media since the break-up,

just been checking in to anything and everything

so that everyone can just see how well I'm doing.

-OFF-CAMERA:

-Do you think social media shows your true self?

Definitely, because it's not me speaking to you right now,

sort of saying any old thing that comes in my head,

it's me sort of thinking about what I'm saying, deleting it,

writing it again, deleting it and then posting to the world.

So, yeah, it's... It's a more accurate me.

-All right? Oh, that was quick.

-Thanks! See you.

-Yeah. OK, bye.

-Bye!

-Have a nice time tonight.

What was that? It's like a hit-and-run.

-Is that all for his benefit, then?

-Course it is.

She's going to go and check in at the curry house over the road now.

We used to have water fights round here back in the day.

Yeah, it was sick, and then it got a bit stabby round here, so we just...

Yeah, made the water fights way more intense.

All right, sweet, yeah. These are the blocks, here.

-Are you ready, Steven?

-Yeah.

OK, boys, keep it covert, yeah?

Let me just pop this down, get that ready.

-Here we go! Good girl.

-Daddy's going undercover, Robin.

Please don't scream.

-OK, ready to go.

-Shh, shh-shh-shh-shh.

OK, let's go. OK, come on.

-OFF-CAMERA:

-Is it hard to find a pirate radio station?

A pirate radio station is the same as a woman -

very elusive, very secretive, very deceptive, yeah?

They both lie a lot, you know?

But I say that, don't I? I'm very good at finding people, you know.

I'm like that bloody Liam Neeson and that, you know.

I will find you. I will track you down,

and I will kill you...

Not kill you, but I will bloody get my Merc back.

We're just three lads, out with a baby, having a stroll.

-Three dads.

-Yeah. No, lads, not dads.

Shh, shh-shh.

Check this out!

-Bruno!

-What are you doing?

Pretending I've got a dog, isn't it? Improvise.

-Bruno...?

-Bruno!

-My dog, Bruno!

-He might be in the bushes over there, somewhere.

-He might be, yeah. Yeah.

-Bruno!

-Bruno!

-WHISTLE BLOWS, BABY CRIES

-Bruno!

-Oh, for fuck's sake, Steve!

-I'm going to have to take her back.

-Can't leave Bruno here.

There is no Bruno, Steve.

-Sorry, Nan.

-Shh-shh-shh.

-No, she's not your nan, Steve. How many times?

-She is my nan.

-You are my man, I know.

-Just be cool, be cool. Yeah?

OK, just play it cool.

Just a couple of lads.

Bruno!

HE WHISTLES

Bruno!

And that's peeling an onion.

It isn't actually as easy as it looks.

Oh, Jesus Christ, man!

Look at that!

Freshly chopped!

So that instantly starts... Look at that!

-VOICEOVER:

-Do you know what? I love cooking.

I just never tried it.

Ah, you can really smell the flavours, can't you?

Ah...!

None of that microwave lasagne, you got to do your own,

know what I mean?

Buy your white sauce, buy your red sauce,

buy the sheets, buy the meat, cook it all together and mix it.

Do you know what I mean? Fresh, home-cooked lasagne.

So, are you moving back in?

Well, Angel, that's something me and your mum are going to have to discuss

after she tries this wonderful little lasagne.

I still am the man of the house, just so you know.

Just because I don't live in the house, like, and that.

She ain't had no other man in the house, has she?

-Yes.

-What? Who?

-Uncle Decoy.

-Oh, no, I'm thinking of other men that you don't know, like.

-Was there?

-No.

-No, good.

Because I will crush everyone, you know that, Angel, yeah?

Now, Robin, if that is your real name...

Do you remember this? That's you.

"World's greatest grandma."

Look at these, you remember these?

Your favourite, custard creams.

Remember them?

What about that?

Jog any memories?

Any flashbacks?

-VOICEOVER:

-People are saying, "Oh, you think your nan

"came back as a baby, yeah, that's...you're mad," or whatever,

but reincarnation's a tricky one.

I've got an idea.

-VOICEOVER:

-It's like if you're a butterfly,

and you see your old caterpillar mate,

and you're like, "Bruv, what you saying? It's me."

He might not recognise you, cos he remembers you as a caterpillar.

And it's the same with, like, people -

like, you are evolving, you go into the next body

and it's hard to keep track of, like, your old caterpillar mate,

if you're...a butterfly.

What I'm going to do is I'm just going to show you this...

..and I want you to tell me if it's better with the glasses...

..or without the glasses.

So, that's with...

..or without?

Shall we try it one more time?

With...

..or without?

It's inconclusive, I think.

Have to try something else.

Stakeouts are way better in movies.

Listen, Kev, mate, you wouldn't know of anyone who kind of deals in

kind of short, substantial loans

with kind of, like, minimum paperwork, no ID or anything?

Like, quick loans.

No, the only person I know is you.

OK, listen, Kevin, what I'm going to tell you right now might shock you.

-I'm bankrupt. I need the loan.

-Shit.

I lost everything, mate.

-I lost my restaurant...

-Serious?

-Yeah.

For the last two months, mate, I've been living in this van.

You know what I mean? I'm pathetic. I'm literally a man in a van.

It is kind of sick, innit, though?

I'd love this. Like, no responsibility.

It's like living in a caravan.

You're a man of the road, Chabsy.

You're a road man.

-Yeah, I guess I am a bit of a road man.

-You are, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you're living OG, off-grid.

I am an OG, yeah.

-Kind of like nomad style, you know.

-Yeah.

-Like, I'm not living by society's kind of rules and that.

-Exactly.

I'm like, kind of, just doing what I want to do, you know what I mean?

-Like, driving where I want to drive...

-Yeah!

-Hair blowing in the wind.

-Why not?

Shitting in a bucket... Just living life like I want to live life.

You shit in a bucket?

Shh, let's just con...

Keep your eyes peeled.

Brentford girls on tour, yeah!

-Woo!

-Wahey!

Love it.

-VOICEOVER:

-I want Miche to be happy. That's all, you know?

I think she deserves a really good man.

Yeah, but her idea of a good man

is someone with money and chest hair, so...

That's not necessarily true.

I can take or leave the chest hair.

I mean, Mick was very smooth,

and that boy in Turkey barely had armpit hair.

So.

Listen, Miche...

-Yeah?

-Yeah. You know you said about, like, Grindah and stuff?

-Yeah.

-You are definitely on your own, ain't you?

-Yeah.

-There she is! Carol!

-Mum, I don't...

-I've got a little surprise for you...

-Mum, please, please...

-Listen, it'd do you good.

-I'm really, really...

-Listen!

-Trying to put a smile on your face, trust me.

-Please, Mum!

-Hello, gorgeous, how are you?

-How you doing? You all right?

-Good to see you, babes!

-Right, I told you about...

-You must be Matias.

-Matias.

-GIGGLING:

-Matias...I love it!

So, this is Miche.

-Hello.

-You two have got a lot in common.

You're both hairdressers, right.

-Very nice to meet you.

-You too...oh...

It's nice to meet you.

LAUGHTER

-I love your hair.

-Shut up! I look like a disgusting freak!

-We'll go get a little drink, yeah?

-Yeah, let's do that. Excuse me.

-Mum, why are they here?

-Listen, I reckon he'd fuck you.

You should give it a go, all right?

Right, it's nearly done. Get on top of the cheese, please, Angel.

-OK, Dad.

-Teamwork, innit?

Yeah, man is a responsible man right now, innit, Ange?

-Yeah.

-I tell you I quit blazing?

Yeah. It's been quite intense, actually.

I can't find the cheese grater.

Cheese grater! Jesus Christ, these kids don't know they was born.

Angel, here you go. Use this, yeah? But cut it really small - thank you.

OK.

Oh, this red sauce is something else.

Oh, a little bit faster, all right, please? Thank you.

Nice!

What's "candle" in Spanish?

Candle is... That is, how you say, "vela".

Ah! That's nice, a nice name, isn't it?

"Vela en el viento", and this is like the song

-Candle In The Wind.

-Oh, I love that song.

-I love Princess Diana.

-Yeah. This is from Princess Diana?

Yeah, yeah, she wrote it.

How do you say rose wine in Spanish?

Vino rose.

SHE GIGGLES

-Same again?

-Oh, yeah, please.

OK, I get some drinks.

Tell you what, mate, he is cracking, isn't he?

He's very friendly. Very good at Spanish, actually, yeah.

-Yeah.

-He...he is Spanish.

-Yeah.

I've got an idea. Let's settle this once and for all.

Which of these do you prefer?

Nike jumper? Or...

..cream cardigan?

Look, it's coming back.

Remember these? Do you remember these?

Do you remember? Think!

Remember, remember, remember who you are.

-WHISPERING:

-Remember! Remember!

Hey, look at that! Remember!

Remember! Do you remember?

Something's clicked.

It's you, isn't it, Nan?

It's her.

KEVIN HUMS

Kevin! Kevin, over there, mate.

I see one male, yeah, baseball hat, record bag, five o'clock.

Where's five o'clock?

I'm just saying that's the time. I'm noting it down.

-He's over there, look!

-Oh, yeah, I can see him.

All right, listen. Get out of the car, follow him on foot.

-Why have I got to follow him?

-Well, obviously I can't do it, man.

My whole style is based around being noticed. I'm a peacock.

Fuck's sake, yeah, it's true. You're too flamboyant.

-All right. Chabsy?

-Yeah?

-Cover me.

-What? You got a gun?

No, it's just cos we're doing the stakeout thing.

-It's what people say, innit?

-Oh, shit. Yeah, cool, all right.

Kevin, clear! You're covered on this side.

Shut up!

Oh, no, that's...

Hi there!

Oh, get some candles. Miche, where are your candles?

Oh, I thought you were scared of candles.

No. I wanted to put the finishing touches on our little surprise.

-It's our lasagne.

-Oh, did you do it all by yourselves?

-I did the main bit, but, yeah.

-Oh, looks lovely.

Yeah, thank you. I was thinking it might...might be nice

-if we could sit down and get a...

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah...

-You've got people in there?

-Yeah, sorry.

-Hiya! All right, muggins?

Yeah, you can go now. Playtime's up.

Oh, that's funny. How have you been, anyway?

-How have I been?

-Yeah.

You on drugs?

I've actually given the drugs up, but thanks for your concern, though.

-He's gone weird.

-Just go in there - he's making an effort, Mum...

-Did you know they were all coming?

-No.

-Here we go!

-Yeah, no big deal, yeah.

-Oh, a new one?

Who's that?

-Yeah...

-See that guy in there?

-Ask him who he is, what the hell he's doing here, yeah?

-OK.

-Oh, my Angel!

-Hola!

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

Daddy says, "Who are you?"

Shit!

PHONE CHIMES

Yes, Kevin, mate.

They've gone into the flat. I don't know what to do.

OK, we need to make sure it's definitely

-a pirate radio station, yeah.

-OK.

Yeah, not just some bloody hipster with a cool bag.

All right, stay on the line.

OK, yeah, no, this is it.

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

So what are you hearing? What are you hearing?

They're playing jungle, old-school jungle.

-Jungle?

-Definitely.

Oh, shit, mate.

-You all right, mate?

-Yeah, mate.

Just looking for my mate's house, mate.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-Who's your mate, then?

Um...my mate, his name's Barney.

-What?

-Barney, you sent me to the wrong flat again, you dickhead.

-Who's Barney? Kevin, who's Barney?

-Oi, Scott!

-Abort mission...!

-There's some geezer here looking for you, mate.

Start the Merc!

I'm coming!

Come back!

SHOUTING

-Start the van up!

-What?

-Please! Get in the van!

-Quickly!

-Fuck, they're coming!

-Please!

-Fuck...

-This way, this way! Go, go, go, go!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Down there, mate.

Me and Mum actually went to Lanzarote, didn't we, recently?

We did, oh, we had a scream.

Hey, don't you show him all those photos!

Lanzagrotty, some people call it.

Just going to say, food's nearly done if you want to...

Yeah?

-You all right?

-Hello.

-Hi! Yeah, it's just...

Just saying, er... Trying to call you from there,

you didn't hear me.

Food is nearly done, so if you want to...

OK, yeah.

Why don't you make yourself useful and go and get some wine?

No, don't be rude, Mum, no...

No, honestly, it's... It'll be my pleasure.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Don't thank him.

Being nice does get you places, do you know what I mean?

Like, you've not seen it from me, cos I am a nice person,

but when I'm at Kurupt and that, I've got to be, bang,

on the ball, on the ball.

Carol? Allow me.

Enjoy, enjoy! Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

So with Miche, I've got to be nice, because then she'll realise,

she'll be like, "Oh, is he actually a nice person now?"

Little does she know that I'm pretending to be nice

just to get her back, do you know what I mean?

And that just shows how much I care, I think.

Go on, then.

This is all yours, look!

Touch it!

That's all for you, that.

My nan left a load of money for me.

Um...so I'm just sort of holding on to it for her.

You are rich for your age, definitely.

It's quite mad, actually, how much money you got.

Whatever she needs, I'll get it for her,

then once she's old enough

to understand money and reincarnation,

I'll just sit her down and explain exactly what's going on.

Tuck in, they're going to see you, mate.

Tuck in, Kevin.

-Why won't they leave?

-Oh, my God!

Too young to die.

They better not touch my Merc, mate. She's all I've got left.

-OFF-CAMERA:

-Have you been in a lot of fights, then?

I've had one fight, actually,

at Education In Dance at Brentford Leisure Centre.

This girl threw my cap off my head

and then I said, "What are you doing?"

And she just smacked me in the face.

So after that I just... lowed it.

-Miche! Food's ready.

-All right.

Oh, look at that!

Oh, wow... It's good.

-There you go!

-My God, well done.

-Lasagne.

-It's very good.

In squares as well.

Oh, you did the cutlery the right way round as well.

-I did, yeah.

-God, well done!

I thought it'd be really nice...

Oh, you're eating, are you?

I thought it was maybe just...

I thought it might be nice for us two to catch up, actually.

Sorry, can I...? Can I just...?

-Yeah.

-Thanks, mate. Get a drink.

-Oh.

-Thank you very much.

-Yeah, no worries.

-Perfect!

I think they've gone back to their station.

OK, just act normal, act normal. Nothing's wrong, just act normal.

I can't believe we just snitched, man.

-Listen, Kevin, mate, mate...

-I'm shaking.

We did what we had to do.

-All right, I mean, technically, you did it, but...

-Yeah.

-We did it.

Look, man, we can't tell anyone about that, literally.

Like, no-one needs to know, like.

-It's embarrassing.

-How much not to talk?

What do you mean, "How much not to talk"?

If you tell anyone, I'll tell them you live in a shitty Renault

and you shit in a bucket.

-It's a Merc.

-It's a Renault.

Come on, man, we got to get out of here.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

MUSIC PLAYS

-I've got...I've got one for you.

-Miche...

-No peeking!

-I know her!

VOICEOVER: Love makes you do stupid things.

You can't describe it, can you? It's this beautiful thing

that just hits you and you can't stop it,

and it's, like, filling your body

and you want it to go away cos you feel uncomfortable and scared,

but you also want it to stay there, cos, you know...

It's almost like you can phone in sick and lie in bed all day and sort of enjoy the day.

It's sort of like being ill.

-Bye, cheers! Thanks for the lasagne.

-Oh, right, no...

Yeah, my pleasure. Yeah...

Mitch, do you want to take my number,

just in case you want to meet again with me?

LAUGHING: Sorry! I just...

I don't know if I'm really in a place

where I can do that right now, so...

Ah. OK, but...

Well, you know, obviously, like, with the language barrier and everything,

you know, it just...it might not...

But I'm speaking English.

Yes, yeah, so...

OK, OK.

-No, you too, yeah!

-OK....

Love this one.

Hello! Hello!

-Man.

-Yes, brother.

Shaking, man.

What happened? Did you find Kold FM?

Yeah, we...sorted it.

What happened?

Just... Look, it's sorted.

Did you beat the shit out of them?

Yeah, course.

-Can I see your knuckles?

-I already washed them.

Clean.

OFF-CAMERA: So what happened with Kold FM?

Need-to-know basis, mate.

Let's say that if someone cut down a tree in a forest, yeah,

and no-one was there to see it...

..did it even matter or did it even happen?

Let's not point fingers

about who called the tree surgeon or whatever,

let's just...keep it moving.

That's what happens.

That's what happens when you mess with Kurupt FM. Innit?

Yep.

Don't...

..fuck with us.

God, that Matias was a bit sleazy, wasn't he?

I dunno, he was all right.

Isn't that the stuff that we use on the cushions?

Yeah, but also good on washing up and that, so...

It's an old wives' tale sort of thing.

OK, yeah. Right, well, I'll let you get on with that.

OK, yeah. You go put your feet up.

-VOICEOVER:

-They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

and if you love someone then let them go.

But it's bollocks, really, innit?

If you love someone, be around them all the time

to remind them that you're better than anyone else

and show them that you're the perfect man.

HOOVER HUMS

Thought I'd give the place a little once-over.

Yeah, don't worry about it, it's fine. It's a bit late.

-Angel's asleep, so let's...

-It's all good.

I'll just bang it out real quick.

-Did you want a little bit of this?

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

Fuck it, old times' sake, innit?

Yeah, and don't worry about doing any more cleaning.

Mm...honestly, I just wanted to finish this

and then I'll make a start on the inside of the oven.

Oh, no, no. Seriously, you've done enough.

You don't need to do any more.

-I've done enough.

-Yeah.

Cool, well,

unless you wanted to...

-No...

-Yeah, oh, no, I'll shoot off.

-Yeah.

-Cool, yeah.

Yeah, you just...yeah, get home. Get home safe, and...yeah.

-I will.

-I'll see you next week, yeah?

See you later, Miche.

Did you hear that?

She said I'd done enough.

Oh...see you fuckers in a bit!

Daddy got home safe, little Robin. Sweet dreams.

Kevin?

Have you got any idea

why there is four grand stuffed into Robin's baby bag?

-Look at that!

-I'll give it back to him tomorrow.

Yeah, please do.

Steve thinks it's Robin's money.

I might take a score, just for a rainy day.

-For Robin.

-For Robin, yeah.

Yeah, go on, then.

Yeah, get one for me, too, for Robin.

There you go, mate.

Make sure you give it back to him tomorrow, yeah?