War People Just Do Nothing

This programme contains strong language.

Come on, boys and girls, follow me.

-You excited?

-Michael, here we go, come on.

If everyone could get onto the bus as quick as possible, thank you.

-Angel, nice to see you this morning, good morning.

-Morning, Angel.

-INTERVIWER:

-So is Grindah making more of an effort now?

Uh, yeah, and I like that he's making an effort.

He's offering to help clean round the house

and all of that, but I don't know, I just...

I feel like maybe he's trying a bit too hard.

Hiya, I'm Tony.

-Ali.

-All right?

OK, well done, boys and girls, that was very good behaviour,

well done.

-Thumbs up all round?

-It was great, are you excited?

ALL: Yeah!

Yes, it's going to be a great day, well done.

Ah, I fucking love kids.

Oh, fuck!

How the fuck did they find us?

"Snitches get stitches." Steve!

VOICEOVER: Beef is part of pirate radio culture,

goes with the territory.

-INTWEVIWER:

-What would Robyn think if you went to war properly?

If I had to go to war,

so I'd sit down with her and watch Saving Private Ryans

and just make sure she knew that I might not come back alive.

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, Stevie? Steves? Steves?

No, not Steves. Stevie?

He's freezing cold. Do something!

-Stevie, talk to me, mate.

-Eh?

-Steve, hello? Can you hear me?

Yeah, bruv, I was just sleeping, man.

You had your eyes open.

Yeah, I sleep like that sometimes.

What were you saying? Did they hurt you?

Who?

We've been attacked.

BABY CRIES

Oh, shit, Robyn.

Sorry, mate.

Ah, sorry, mate.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yeah, going. What? Ah, for...

OK, don't worry, mate, relax, relax, I'm coming, I'm coming.

OK, all right, bye.

All right, you all right? Just...

Just a bit of brown seepage from the...the roof. It's leaking again.

All right? See you lot in a bit.

Maybe get a couple with me and you, as well, though, Angel.

-Shall we get one of the two of us?

-CAMERA CLICKS

Might go and check on Angel, see if she's all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no worries.

-Oh, shall I get up?

-Yeah, if you could... Yeah, just...

-INTERVIEWER:

-So, what are you doing to get Miche back?

Look, I mean, look at me,

like, I don't want to be looking like this, but that's

cos I'm working, I'm working hard, do you know what I mean?

Like, done my hair, pretend I'm a nice person.

Me and Rahim's just been having such a good laugh together, actually.

The stuff he comes out with, he's mental.

Do you want to go and chat to him?

I'm a likeable sort of guy.

I know how to put it on, do you know what I mean?

I constantly talk at someone with a massive smile on my face,

like, "Ah, where are we going? To the museum?

"I'm so excited. How are you?

"What a lovely day, I love weather. And you look great today

"and I love the way you're dressed. How are you?"

Ooh, I just can't wait to teach all these little guys about the...

Great War and Battle of Brighton, so...

Britain.

Britain, yeah, no, I just meant like cos a lot of the, uh, battles,

the little ones, took place on the beaches of Brighton, so...

-Ah, yeah.

-Yeah.

Come on, boys, we need to get this done ASAP,

before the neighbours start talking.

Fair play to whoever done it, it's quite neat, though, isn't it?

Spray paint is quite difficult when you're freehand.

-They've done a good job...

-Yeah, they have.

They've not fucking done a good job, Steven. Here, start cleaning.

-So, is that my toothbrush?

-Yeah.

-Huh!

-Hiya.

Oh, just a random, unprovoked piece of graffiti.

-Yeah, bloody racist, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Back at it. Hate crime.

Get, get us out, get us, get me out.

THEY LAUGH

-Hurry up!

-All right.

Come on, Steve, you're still on the S.

-Takes a while.

-I've done three letters.

Yeah, but I've got a smaller ratio cos I've got a toothbrush.

Well, at least we don't know what it said now.

It says, "Nitch get stit." It's like German.

Come on, guys, thank you. Straight through the two pillars

and you'll see the door.

-Good.

-PHONE RINGS

What?

Hello?

-Steves, are you with Beats?

-Yes, bruv.

-Ah, yes, brother.

Tell him I'm not talking to him. I'm not talking to you, Beats.

-But it's Kold FM.

-Nah, mate.

-We're under attack.

-Don't care, mate.

Please, mate, come back, please.

Bruv, I ain't coming back for shit, man's grown up now.

Tell him about the graffiti and...

He said to tell you about the graffiti.

I don't care about the graffiti, that's nothing to do with me.

Kurupt might die without you.

It died years ago.

You only left two weeks ago, mate.

Don't care, not my problem.

Why don't you deal with them little pussy holes yourself, yeah?

It's, uh, it's just...it's... Uh, come on, everyone,

straight in your groups of twos.

-INTERVIEWER:

-So, are you worried that Kold FM will take Kurupt out?

Tsh! I'm not worried, I know they're going to do that.

Kold will take Kurupt down now the leader ain't there,

do you know what I mean?

They know the general has gone, so what are they going to do?

They're going to go for the little prawns.

Where's Boss?

Yeah, I spoke to Grindah.

On our own.

OK, front and rear windows are very secure.

-Chabzy...

-Yes.

We're five storeys up, mate.

The easiest place to come through is the front door.

Yeah, good point, let's check them out, as well.

-Let's check that.

-Yeah.

Cor blimey, mate, that's a lot of cash, Stevie,

you doing your cage dancing again?

Oh, no, this is my inheritance.

I didn't get paid for cage dancing, that was just voluntary.

No, I don't think money's changed me at all.

Like, I've bought a new pair of trainers, but, no,

apart from that, like, I haven't changed.

Like, literally I haven't changed,

I've got the same clothes on that I had before the money.

We're just going to shoot to the shop, Nana,

and we're going to get some... some stuff to reinforce the door.

Keep your money safe.

Right, looks like the... Hello, boss.

Oh, perfect, security.

Yeah, that's a good bit of kit.

That's good, yeah, locks.

That's a good one. Look at the girth on that,

that's at least three inches.

-Ah, they've got a safe, maximum strength.

-Oh, perfect.

Digital, steel safe. Oh, yeah, I'm going to get one of them.

-Oi, Chabzy.

-Yeah?

Maybe you distract that geezer so I can just run out with this,

-cos it...

-What? You're not just going to pay for it?

Yeah, I could just pay for it.

Yeah. Get it, get it, mate.

I'm going to treat myself.

Treat yourself, mate.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, boss.

I'd like to buy this today.

Great.

Great. Also, there's a couple more bits.

It's all fallen down.

Don't worry, I'm paying for all this, it's not...

Uh...

Some of them, as well.

Got a lot down there, huh?

That is probably it, unless - do you want anything else?

Listen, boss, do you sell porta potties?

-No, sorry.

-No?

Oh, I'll tell you what,

I'm just going to get some air fresheners, then.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK, guys, listen up, everyone, listen up.

OK, so you all know who your groups are.

Now, we're going to be handing out some...

-Oh, OK.

-..worksheets to your team leaders.

Take one, hand it on.

Now, the first group to get all the questions right wins.

Win what? A competition?

What do we win?

You win the title of best group.

Wait, let me get this...

So if we win it means we're better than everyone else in here, yeah?

I suppose so.

OK, just come here.

-Right, so, what we need to do...

-We've got to be the best, yeah?

Listen, we can't let any of these other little dickheads win,

all right? Spud man, come on, yeah,

let's do this, and don't fuck this up, yeah?

The one thing I learnt at school, yeah,

was that I have to win at everything, cos back then

all the little kids used to laugh at me for losing and that.

Not any more, though. These days I can walk through any playground

like a man, knowing that I'm better than any of these tiny little nigs.

Now who's laughing?

Everyone ready? Three, two, one, go!

Leave no-one behind, come on!

Well, you just need to stay in your pairs, yeah?

And, Angel, you're going to go in a pair with Mummy, yeah?

I want to go with Carly.

Yeah, right, but blood is thicker than water, Angel, so you're not.

Why wouldn't you just go in a pair with me?

You've always gone in a pair with me.

Ever since you were in my tummy, we've always been a pair.

But she's my best friend.

Well, who's Mummy meant to be pairs with?

If they come in now I'll be like,

"Oh, no, don't come in."

Whack!

MUFFLED VOICES Do you hear that?

All right, mate?

Thought you were the Kold FM boys.

No, no, no.

Thank God for that.

-Air freshener?

-Yeah, don't worry about that.

Look what I've got.

Get it all in, get it all in.

Sick! Is that a safe?

Yeah. Thought it's good to keep my nan's money, like, safe, innit?

-Yeah.

-Means I can stop hiding it in her buggy, as well.

There's a couple of different ones,

-but I wanted the electronic one, so...

-Oh, nice.

..you just lock it, put in a random code, and then, bang!

No getting in to that.

So what's the code?

It's random.

Yeah, but it's like a secret code.

-Yeah.

-And you put your secret code in.

-Exactly, no-one knows.

-And then it opens it.

-No-one....

But now you can't open it cos you don't know the code.

Yeah, but only I know the code, that's the whole point.

So put it in.

Yeah...

Can't remember what to put.

-Exactly.

-Too random.

Fuck me, Steves, you're an idiot.

Planes. Got big wheels, hasn't it? Ha! It's like a car.

This one's sort of a sausage shape, and this one's more sort of...

Yeah, sort of greyish.

And this is a photo, which is in black and white

because they couldn't afford colour film in those days, so...

When did the war end?

Oh, right, we're doing the worksheet, are we? Boffin.

OK, so, if we don't know the answer to a question,

we need to do some research, and how do we research?

We can look at the information points next to each...

No, incorrect. Angel, do you know the answer?

-Google?

-Yeah, good. OK, so everyone get their phones out, please.

-Isn't that cheating?

-Shh! Shh! Shh! Fingers on lips, everyone.

-Hurry up, you freaks!

-Get your phones out, though.

You in the back, hurry up! Come on, quick!

Wait, stop, stop, stop. Is this...

Is this a Spitfire?

Read the sign! Is it a Spitfire?

I think it's really sweet that Grindah's making an effort,

and obviously there is the saying "too little, too late",

and I'm not saying that I'm saying that saying,

but obviously it could potentially be too little too late,

I guess, yeah. Watch this space.

Oh, you're learning not to be a little freak for once, come on!

Hurry up!

Jesus! Hurry up, you freak! Is there actually something wrong with you?

Cos if there is then we're going to leave you behind.

Well, then, come on!

Oh, what? There's loads of planes!

-We're never going to find it!

-Whoa! Whoa!

This is what they do in the films. Normally works, actually.

SAFE BEEPS

Yeah, no, I'm only getting loud beeps.

Give me the bat.

-I'm going to get Chabzy. Chabzy!

-Yes, boss?

How do you break into a safe?

You want to use that?

Argh!

You fucked it, Steves.

We need to draw a plane. Get to the front, get to the front

and draw it when I'm in it.

Ah, this is sick.

Ah, we'll blow all the other teams' heads off, won't we?

ALL: Yeah!

Ah, come on, then, let's go.

You draw that flag.

-Are you having fun, yeah?

-ALL: Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Are you having fun or not?

Do you want five detentions?

OK, so you're having fun, yeah?

-Yeah!

-No.

We're having such a good time with these...

-No.

-Ah, you, come on.

Do you want to get out?

All done, boss.

So look at this, got all the keys here, mate, yeah?

-That one's for the top one, OK?

-OK.

This one there, that one for that one...

..that one for that one,

this one for that one.

So they're all here, OK, boss?

If your station is secure enough,

then no-one should be able to get in.

It don't matter what they do on the outside.

Do you mind getting that one, actually?

Just getting that, and the bottom one.

Ready? One, two, three, and lift.

You seen that film, Panic Room, with Jodie Foster's in?

-INTERVIEWER:

-Yeah.

We're going for that sort of vibe.

-Cos you said there were seven, but...

-Yeah.

-..I can only see four.

There's four on here, but there's actually seven locks on the door.

There's three ghost locks and they're actually

the most impenetrable.

No-one's going to be able to get into this place, man,

-I'm telling you, it's not...

-Sorry about that.

I'm just going to take this up to the top of the blocks

and chuck it off, try and, like, smash it open.

-All right, Steves.

-See you in a bit.

-All right, mate.

-Right, let's test her out.

-Integrity test, yeah?

-Yeah.

Good idea, let me just...

Shit, bruv.

Let me...

-What have you done?

-Shit, um...

I left the keys in there. We're locked out, so...

Oh, you fucking donkey! Robyn's in there.

Oh, good idea. Robyn!

Listen, there's seven keys on the counter.

-She's not saying anything, man.

-Are you thick?

She doesn't even speak English yet,

she's not going to understand your weird, stupid accent.

-Of course.

-Robyn!

Robyn! Stay calm!

Daddy's going to save you!

-What? V-I.

-ET.

-E-T.

-N.

-Wait. N, yeah.

-A.

A-M, M. OK, good.

-Tony? Tony?

-S. Come on!

If I could just have you...

Look, can you just take it down a notch?

We need these worksheets to last till the end of the day.

Oh, I see what's going on here, someone's worried about losing.

Trying to slow us down, are you? Trying to get in my head?

Ain't happening, mate. Let's go, come on!

-Mr...

-Ha-ha!

Ah, sick! Chinook! Let's get in!

We're better than you! Ha-ha!

Right, just ignore him. Mr Zografos obviously is a little bit excited.

Fuck's sake, man, should have brought the weapons out with us.

We're vulnerable. Fuck!

PHONE BEEPS Ah, shit.

Hello, Roche, how are you?

No, yeah, no, everything's fine, yeah, cool, cool.

Yeah, cool, cool.

Just at the studio with Robyn and the boys. Cool, cool, cool.

I'm not saying "cool" loads, everything's fine.

Yeah, I can get milk.

This is definitely going to work.

Just going to go for the launch.

Sorry, that's mine.

I didn't think about this bit.

Excuse me...

Can you just look after that for me?

-INTERVIEWER:

-What would your nan want you to do with the money?

That's partly the stressful thing about having the money

is I don't really know what she wanted me to do with it,

so I'm just holding on to it for now, like, and just spending it on

just little things like essentials, like food and, like, weed and that.

Ah, thanks, you lot. Sorry for that.

Right, I'll bundle it.

Excuse me, excuse me.

What's she doing? She just fucked off with the...

Sorry, bruv, no, no, no, no. No, no, that's...

Bruv! It's actually my... It's my inheritance money.

Ah, fuck sake.

Waste of money, innit?

Oh! Angel, do you want to come and have lunch with Mummy?

Should we scooch up so I can just fit in?

Um... There's no room.

Right.

-You all right?

-Yeah, you all right?

How's the quiz going? Got many left?

Well, how many have you got left?

Oh, fuck knows, my group are all stuck-up little bitches.

You made your own packed lunch?

-Yeah.

-Did you leave the crust on your sandwiches, though?

Yeah, it's actually quite long to get them off, so just...

I don't really mind about this any more.

Changed quite a lot, see?

Ah...

It is quite dry, the crust, innit?

Ah, that's better.

Look, I've got a coat hanger, mate. This normally works.

BABY CRIES I can't wait any more, Chabzy.

-What? What?

-This is insane.

What is?

Robyn, I'm coming, Daddy's coming!

What are you doing, man? Easy, man, watch the door.

Oh, my God! Our door!

When you're a dad, you sort of get this superhuman strength.

Like, if your child is at any risk you basically turn into Wolverine,

but obviously without the blades bursting out of the skin and that,

cos that would be actually...

That would be hard to look after a baby with all that madness going on.

Daddy's here, I'mma save you.

I'm sorry about that, I'll never leave you again.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, my God.

What's it saying? Is it... Is it gone?

Yes, mate, locks are definitely broken,

which is a real shame because they were put on beautifully.

Yeah, we're open to attack right now, mate,

and we don't even have a front door, so, please.

OK, listen, mate, I'll tell you what,

if it does come down to a fighting situation,

they're going to have to get through me first.

-Yeah.

-I'm getting sick of it, mate.

If they come down, what I'm going to do, first thing,

yeah, right in the eyes, yeah?

Grab them by the throat like that, bang, yeah? Ankle...

-VOICEOVER:

-I know so much about fighting, yeah?

And when it comes to fighting, you don't need to punch a man.

Wait there one sec. Show me.

You grab him by the throat, he's out.

-Yeah.

-Body lock.

-Go for it.

-A body lock like that, yeah?

-Like that, and I tickle him, look, you can even tickle him...

-Oh!

He wakes up, he's pissed himself on the floor lying there.

-That's too far, man.

-Yeah, sorry, mate.

Chabuddy G, I'm not fucking with him again.

No fingerprints, no blood. It's cleaner.

Apart from the piss, obviously.

You know, just do the door.

Yeah, sorry, man.

The army men were so fit then, weren't they?

Yeah.

Reminds me a lot of myself, back in the radio days, a few weeks ago.

Yeah, just real, strong, proper men saving the world.

Yeah, like I used to with my lyrics.

Do you not miss it?

Like, I feel like this isn't you.

You're not a teacher. You're a soldier.

You're right.

Even my mum used to say it.

She used to say I was her brave little soldier.

Course I'm not a teacher.

Teachers are pathetic!

I'm built for more. I'm a soldier.

I'm a soldier!

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE

What? Stevie, is that you?

Yeah, man. What's happened to the fucking door?

Oh, hold on one minute, one minute, one minute.

-Did they come?

-Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

They been here?

No, I'll explain later. We had a bit of an issue, but it's cool.

Steves, you got it open, yeah?

Yeah, had a bit of a Crystal Maze moment in the car park,

but I got most of it back.

All right, Nan? Are you fuming at me about the money?

Here you are, I'll put it all under the bed again,

cos it's safer there, innit?

Steves, take the bat.

-What?

-Take it.

You're on guard duty.

Have I got to hit people?

I've never hit anyone.

How long have I got to be on guard duty?

You're doing 12 hours on, 12 hours off.

We need to invent some sort of password or something.

All right, cool.

Jesus.

Listen up, people! I've got a little announcement to make.

Shh! Come on, turn around this way.

Being here today has inspired me,

and it's made me realise that I shouldn't be here.

I'm a general. I've got my own war to fight - the Kold war,

and I'm ready to die for my lyrical freedom,

cos I am Kurupt FM, and no-one can take me down.

Mr Zografos, would you mind st...

Rahim, mate, you wouldn't understand, yeah?

My work here is done. The kids know what they're doing.

I've inspired them already.

And, to be honest, I'm bigger than all this teaching bollocks, yeah?

Right now I'm needed on the front line.

Miche...

I'll see you soon.

This is your time.

It is my time.

All men have to fight.

A real man does what needs to be done.

No, he's not scared, and he doesn't care what other people think.

In a bit, make sure you lot lock into 108.9, yeah?

That's the kind of man that I want,

someone who fights for what he believes in and looks good in a cap.

RAHIM: OK, if your group joins me over here...

We've got to be ready for war, for whatever happens, mate,

-you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Ready to die.

If we're going to go out, we've got to go out like men, mate,

go out in a blaze of glory, you know?

It's the return of the general.

I think I'll be remembered as one of the great leaders of our generation.

I missed this place.

Before me you had people like Churchill,

that bro with the little 'tache that used to shout loads,

you know, powerful leaders that inspired the people.

Back to take control of my station.

KEY TURNS

Boys!

-Who is it?

-Someone's outside.

-Who's that?

-Deal with it, Steves, please deal with it.

-What do you mean?

What? What's going on?

Come on, man.

-Just me?

-You're going to have to fight them.

-On my own?

-I'm the main one, I need to be protected.

-GRINDAH:

-Oi!

-I'm... It's my first shift, I'm not ready...

Stevie, just listen, I've got you, don't worry.

What the... I can hear you lot talking.

Um...

What... What's the password?

Pass... I don't know what the pa...

There wasn't a password when I was last here.

Is that Grindah? Does kind of sound like Grindah.

Yeah, but he could be doing an impression.

-Is this a new thing?

-They've got him tied up or something.

-Hello?

Sorry, mate, could you say the password, please, mate?

I don't know, Kurupt FM?

-Oh!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

Oh...

Come here. Come here.

-Ah!

-Let it out.

Throughout my whole life I've always thought, "What would Grindah do?"

-Mm!

-Daddy's back, all right?

-Yeah.

-Nothing can harm you now.

-So good to see you, man.

-Yeah.

Cos look what he's done for me.

We're on Brentford's biggest pirate radio station, and I'm 31 years old.

I've accomplished a lot.

Welcome home, mate.

Please, Steve, mate, I ain't staying at this shit hole.

I'm only back for radio.

Fair enough.

I'm here to show everyone that Kurupt FM is not to be fucked with,

cos we're the biggest, baddest, roughneckest

radio station in the land, like.

-Trust me, trust me.

-Best believe!

BABY CRIES

Ah, for fuck's sake.

She's banned from the station for a start, yeah?

No chicks at radio.

-Fair enough.

-Yeah, and hurry up, we've got things to do.

ANGEL: Time to jump!

There's Nazis everywhere.

TOY GUN RATTLES

Yah!

Yeah... Angel?

Angel, why don't you go and kill the Nazis in your bedroom?

Yes, Mum!

-Yeah, good girl.

-Hup-hup-hup-hup-hup-hup-hup-hup!

You could have helped.

Sorry, man.

Bring your baby along to everything.

The most damaging thing you can do to a pirate station

-is take down their aerial.

-Yeah.

Come on.

I might have to catch you up.

But we did something even more clever. We took down our own aerial.

Exactly. My little idea, actually.

-Yeah.

-This way they'll never find it.

-Oh, yeah, yeah! Kold FM slinking inside, yeah?

-Yeah, trust me.

If you lot are listening, yeah,

I'd love to see you try and take down our aerial now, mate, yeah?

Exactly, yeah.

No pirate in their right mind

would ever keep their aerial at their station.

-It's a double bluff.

-Yeah.

It's so stupid that, like...

"Ah, surely they wouldn't do that, would they?"

-Yeah.

-Unthinkable.

THEY LAUGH

-Idiots.

-Fucking dickheads.

-Yeah.

HE FREESTYLES

# Typical stars of the G

-# One!

-To the I, E, N, to the D

-# Rapper MC inside the committee

-D!

# When I'm on the mic you know we get diddy

# Kurupt FM, that's my community! #

Old tight lady, Miche, yeah,

-making man remember that man is a general at it.

-Ah, bless.

Macking into place!

# MC Grindah, back like I never left

# And I stay high like the peaks of the Everest

# Old school, like booking flights through Teletext

-# You put the microphone beneath...

-Hey!

-# I'll deliver you like FedEx

-Hey!

# Or Air Mail... #

Is it good to have Grindah back, then?

Come here.

-It's like, you know when you need a shit on the bus?

-Yeah.

But there's nowhere you can go, and it's just getting more painful

and painful, and then you think,

"Fuck, I'm going to actually shit myself."

Grindah's like the McDonalds in the horizon. It's coming closer.

I get there and it just flies out.

Yeah.