Episode 1 Peter Kay's Car Share

SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.'

I don't think you know where you're going, you, love.

You're taking me all over the bloody place.

SAT-NAV: 'Immediately make a U-turn.'

I can't do a U-turn, I'm in the middle of the road, love.

SAT-NAV: 'Please turn right and make a U-turn.'

It's not that one.

SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.'

Where are we going?!

-Where is this now?

-SAT-NAV: 'Prepare to turn right.'

OK. I'm prepared. I'm prepared.

I've been round here twice.

SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.'

This is ridiculous, this.

SAT-NAV: 'Please follow the road for three quarters of a mile.'

Yeah. I've passed these houses twice.

That dog were a bloody puppy.

Now where are we? Absolute piss take.

SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.'

Me and you are going to fall out.

I'll tell you that right now.

Would have been easier pulling into the garage and getting a bloody map.

SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.'

HE HONKS THE HORN

Just wait there. Whoa! Play the game.

SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.'

Last chance.

SAT-NAV: 'Please turn left.

'At the end of the road and then immediately turn left.

'You have reached your destination.'

Well this is a dead end! I can't go down here.

SAT-NAV: 'Now, go straight.'

Argh, you're off your tits.

Right, well, if this isn't it, you can bloody walk to work.

SAT-NAV: 'You have reached your destination.'

Finally. This is it.

What's up? You sulking now, are you?

DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE OF 'SINGLE LADIES' BY BEYONCE

-Hi!

-Hi there, you all right?

-Did you find me all right?

-Not a bother, straight to the door.

-Coolio.

I'm actually a bit nervous, I've never been in a car with a stranger

before. Well, I know you're not a stranger, but you know what I mean.

Do you mind if I turn the radio on?

Go for it.

TALK RADIO

MUSIC RADIO

I love this.

So do you think this car share thingy's going to work?

Not if we have to listen to THIS every day.

I love Forever FM, they play timeless hits, now and forever.

I wouldn't say Martika's Kitchen was timeless.

Well, you remembered it.

RADIO: # My desire's running Longer than a country mile

# So true, you can Make all my wishes. #

So why do you think they're doing this?

-Doing what?

-Car sharing.

Apparently it's good for the environment.

That and the fact we haven't got enough car park spaces at work.

# In Martika's kitchen, baby... #

Here, stick your drink in there.

Watch yourself, it doesn't fit all cups, don't force it. Ah!

You're having a laugh! You're having a laugh!

I'm so sorry, I'm mortified, John.

I'm... It's not a good start, is it?

No, it's not a good start, not at all.

Not at all a good start. What is it? Red Bull?

Is it Red Bull? Fennel? Sweet and sour?

It smells of sweet and sour. What is it?

It's just a sample.

A sample, a sample of what?

My urine.

It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth!

I've got your piss in my mouth.

-I'm so sorry.

-What is happening?

Why have you got a sample in that?

That's why it's called a sample, you put it in sample pot, love,

you don't put it in a pop bottle, with a sports top.

I'm sorry.

I had no choice, our Kieran's taken my funnel to Basra.

Too much. Oh, my God, I stink.

That explains the sweet and sour, doesn't it? You dirty...

I'm not dirty, thank you very much, John.

I use a funnel for hygiene reasons, so it doesn't go on my hands.

I don't need to know that!

It's all right for you, you can just aim.

40 minutes I was squatting through Daybreak.

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

Turn round, I'll go back and dry your shirt in my dryer.

I've no time for that!

I've got an appraisal at half nine with Dave Thomson

and I walk in stinking like a gents' piss stones.

RADIO: 'At Clear Vista Windows,

'we're shattering prices on our UPVC windows and doors.

'And smashing the cost of our cosy conservatories.'

Did you?

Did I what?

Run the world.

RADIO: 'You have to guess who it is. This is so easy, Katie.

-'Can you put them in the toaster

-Absolutely. Here we go.

'So then, in the toaster

'this morning we have a major Hollywood star.'

-Nearly dry.

-Aye, still stinks, though.

It's making me hungry.

How am I going to explain the smell?

You could say you got mugged.

Mugged? What kind of a sick mugger throws piss on you?

You could wear my cardi?

I'll pass, thanks.

-RADIO:

-'Looking OK so far this morning,

'there are a few things to mention, though.

'On the M60 at junction 3 we have a few delays

'because of a broken down car.

'It is just being recovered now, so hopefully that will be sorted soon.

'The M6, we've got roadworks there,

'heading northbound between junction 22 and 24.

'So a bit of a queue there. It will add about 20 minutes

'onto your journey, particularly if you're using the M6 there.

'And in the city, Luke Street is closed this week, so delays around

'the Blackhurst...'

-Nearly dry.

-Is it? Very good.

Are you going on holiday this year?

-No.

-Did you go anywhere last year?

-No.

-Year before?

-No.

-Blooming heck, you don't get out much, do you?

I've been busy working, all right?

I went away the year before, if you must know.

-Where did you go?

-Malta.

Oh, nice, did you go to Bugibba?

-Bugibba.

-BuGIbba.

-Bugibba.

-Bugibba.

Yes, I did.

Who did you go there with?

Erm, I went with my ex.

-Do I know him?

-Him?!

Does he work at our place?

He?! He?!

Sorry, I thought you were gay.

Gay? I'm not gay, in any sense of the word, right?

OK. Fair enough.

Touched a nerve.

What made you think I were gay?

Well, you're always on your own.

-'KIN HELL! AND?!

-And you live with your mum, don't you?

No, I... No, I do not live with my mum, thank you.

Well, it was Diane off non-foods, she said you were gay.

Did she? Did she indeed? Well, I'll be having bloody words with

Diane off non-foods, casting aspersions.

Oh, don't say I said anything, it was at the Christmas party

last year and you got up to I Am What I Am.

-AND?!

-And you were dancing a bit too enthusiastically.

Mother of pearl!

The world's gone mad, when a man can't dance to Gloria Gaynor

without being accused of being a 'omosexual.

A what? An 'omosexual? It's homosexual, John.

Christ, I can't even speak now.

Don't be telling Diane, she'll be telling everyone

-I'm a big gay mute next.

-All right, Freddie, keep your vest on.

-Freddie?

-Mercury. Sat there in your gay man's vest.

And whose fault's that? Throwing your piss all over me.

# Oh, I love to love But my baby just loves to dance. #

Look at the state of this.

There you go, it's perfect, that. Good as new.

Apart from the clearly obvious piss stain.

-Say it's coffee.

-Yellow coffee?

Custard?

Mustard?

Korma?

Just pull your jacket to, you won't see it.

I did me best.

Thank you.

Apology accepted.

So, what was she called, your ex?

SHE! She was called Charlotte.

That's a nice name.

Were you with her for long?

Long enough.

Did she break your heart, were you gutted?

Do you still speak to her or do we hate her now?

I appreciate your interest, Kayleigh, but some other time, eh?

I've enough on my mind today. Covered in piss.

Understood, Jonathan.

All we need.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This bugs me now, look at this.

Adult crossing here. It's a kids' crossing.

He's on his own. He's no kids.

Chancer! It shouldn't be allowed. Judas.

I must remember to pick up some Mach 3 for our Kieran.

Who is that, your boyfriend?

No, my brother.

Oh, right, does he live with you?

Yeah, on and off.

He's in the army, so he's always away a lot.

I bet that's tough. Has he ever seen any action?

I hope not, he's a chef.

I'm surprised you're not courting.

Courting?! How old are you?

-You know what I mean.

-Courting?

Seeing somebody.

No. No, I'm not.

Don't judge me, but I've just started this online dating thing.

I'm not judging you.

It's just so hard to meet someone when you get to my age.

What age is that?

John! You don't ask a lady her age.

36.

Yeah, it's a last resort, to be honest. Heartsearches.com

-Oh, yeah. I've heard of them.

-Oh, have you? 50 quid joining fee.

-Bit steep, ain't it?

-I know.

I'm hoping it'll weed out a few chavs. I don't want no scrubs.

Fair enough.

My problem is, my clock's ticking now and my eggs are already nearly

past their use-by date, if I don't get a spurt on, they'll be whoopsed.

All right. A bit too much information.

Women need to think about these things, John. It's all right for

men, you can reproduce into your 80s - look at Des O'Connor.

It's cruel. It's cruel on the woman. It's cruel on the baby.

Before long, she's going to be changing two sets of nappies. Ugh!

-I suppose.

-I hate it when old people smell of wee.

Aye, but you're all right with me stinking of it, aren't you?

I said I was sorry, didn't I? Anyway, you can't even smell it now.

The smell's gone.

What are you doing? Give over.

-Have a bit more.

-Now I smell like a brothel cat. Stop it.

Cheeky fish, it's Jade Goody's Shush, this. 50 quid a bottle.

RADIO: 'Forever FM weather. With Lancashire Scrap Metal.

'If the outlook is rubbish, call Keith on 08081570075.

'So, here it is, the Forever FM Golden Hour, with hits and

'headlines from a chosen year.

'Today, it was the year that the Poll Tax was abolished

'and Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, tragically

'died of AIDS while Julia Roberts was Sleeping With The Enemy.

'Sounds like Freddie might have been as well. It's the Golden Hour from

'the year this band were Losing Their Religion,

'but what is the year?'

1991.

RADIO: # Oh life, it's bigger It's bigger than you

# And you are not me... #

Aw, there he is,

the pride of Britain.

Two, four, six... He's pushing his luck, isn't he?

20 trolleys.

Everyone knows that the maximum is 14.

You all right, Ted?

Overworked, underpaid and no time off.

Can you manage? You've got a lot of trolleys there.

-I got it, son.

-Hiya, Ted.

-Morning, my love.

Aw, I love ol' Ted.

Have you finished with my shovel?

Thursday.

Thursday, yeah. He said that last week.

Right. Have a good day.

You too, see you in a wee while.

In you go. This shouldn't be open.

Thank you.

It was that black it was purple. I better go.

I'll text you later, OK?

-Bye-bye, bye-bye. Sorry, I didn't know you were in here.

-Yeah.

-I was stood by the door.

-It's all right.

Clunk, click, every trip.

Yeah.

Good day?

Lovely day.

Aw, love old Ted.

Still got my bloody shovel.

What is it with Ted and this shovel?

-He's got my bloody good snow shovel.

-It's not snowing!

It's not the point. He's had it for ages.

Since we had that bad snow.

Why do you have a shovel?

In case of emergencies.

And a blanket and some rope.

Some rope?

You never know, do you?

Well, I've got my bags for life. And some party feet.

What?

-RADIO:

-'Hair, fashion, beauty.

'At Cut Above Hair Salon we don't just cut your hair,

'we make love to it.

'Our world-class creative stylists know all the latest haircuts.'

Did I talk too much this morning?

I was a bit nervous, were you nervous? I always talk too much

when I'm nervous, it's a really bad habit, I just tend to waffle on

and on because I can't stand awkward silences, I'm always

trying to fill the gap. Anyway, it won't matter now,

because there won't be any awkward silences

and if there ARE any silences, they won't be awkward.

-RADIO:

-'On the roads, looking like a busy one tonight.

'The M6 causing problems again.

'Long delays from junction 21 for no real reason,

'just volume of traffic.'

How was your day?

Well, it could only get better after piss-gate.

Piss-gate? Oh, yes, and?

Well, nobody seemed to notice the smell, thanks to Miss Jade Goody.

And I managed to blag a fresh shirt off non-foods.

Saw your mate Diane.

You didn't say anything, did you?

No, I couldn't, I'm a big, gay mute, remember?

Sorry.

-RADIO:

-'What's up, Suze? You look well depressed.

-You're right, Dad.

'I am. I just don't know which college to choose.

'There's too many options. I think my head is going to well explode.

'That's how I felt, until I discovered Brillington College.

'It's really wicked, Suze.

'It's got a good on its OFSTED report,

'which is one below outstanding.

'And the courses it offers are really varied,

'from media studies to animal husbandry,

'theatre and make-up design, to applied mathematics.

'Perfect for someone like you.

'It sounds rad!

'Brillington College, where brilliance is almost our name.'

And you listen to this everyday?

It plays good music.

MUSIC: C'est La Vie by B-Witched

# I said, hey, boy Sitting in your tree

# Mummy always wants you To come for tea

# Don't be shy Straighten up your tie... #

I can't Irish dance, but I can Morris dance.

I'm quite good at it, I'll show you later.

-It's my party piece.

-That's your party piece?

-AS CILLA:

-And I do a good Cilla Black impression.

Surprise, surprise, our John.

I'm in your car.

And we're gonna have a lorra, lorra laughs, me and you.

And here's our Graham with a quick reminder...

-You sound like Miss Piggy.

-I can do that too.

-AS MISS PIGGY:

-Kermy. Kermy, baby. Kermy. Hi-yah!

It's a belter that, I bet your parties are swinging.

I bet your New Years are swinging, aren't they?

-RADIO:

-'Hello, Doctor.

-Hello, Mary

-'How can I help?

-Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me.

'I've been proper down in the dumps.

'I see. Depressed? Can't be bothered?

-'Lack of energy?

-Exactly. What could it be, Doctor?

'It's obvious, you need a brand-new shed from the Shed Surgery.

-'A new shed, I can't afford a new shed.

-You'd be surprised.'

Mary doesn't want a shed!

She wants a shag, not a shed.

So how was your appraisal?

Went well, actually, they talked about moving me

forward for a promotion.

And they're putting me in charge of Christmas.

Oh!

That's fantastic, well done.

184!

184 what?

Sleeps till Christmas. I love it.

Oh, right. Basically, it means I've got to organise the store,

they're giving me a trial run at the busiest time of the year.

I've got to get a Christmas team together.

Me! Can I be on your team? I love Christmas.

I've not had chance to think about it, you know, I've only just been told.

I'd be perfect. You'll need someone good in promotions

to get everyone going. That's me.

And it'll make a nice change from handing out free Snack-a-jacks

all day long.

I'm really excited for you.

I love Christmas, I've started doing my Christmas CD already,

-shall I bring it in tomorrow?

-Not in this car.

# Step into Christmas Step into Christmas

# De ba da da da Da da da da da da da! #

-What's your favourite Christmas song?

-Not that one.

# Bah, humbug But that's too strong

# Cos that's my favourite Christmas song

# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas. #

All right. All right. Enough now.

# Cos we'll be driving Home for Christmas

# I can't wait to see those faces! #

Seriously, don't do that. Don't do that.

# Driving home for Christmas! #

All right. All right. I'm driving a vehicle, all right?

All right, Grinch! Where's your festive cheer?

I just... I don't know.

I just can't stand people singing in my face.

-What, when you're driving?

-No, any time, freaks me out.

-What? Christmas songs?

-Any songs.

-Why?

I don't know, it just goes through me.

Did something happen as a child?

-Erm... Don't know, can't think of anything.

-How weird.

I had a bad experience once at a girlfriend's house on Christmas Eve.

Oh, God! I'll never forget that.

Why, what happened?

Her family had a piano and they all got up and started singing.

All got round it singing carols and harmonising,

-I could have died of embarrassment.

-Oh, I'd LOVE that!

I knew you'd say that, it was proper uncomfortable for me.

Why? What's wrong with you, it's Christmas Eve, for God's sake.

Cos they were all too polished.

Eyes and teeth smiling, knocked me sick, singing right in my face.

# Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen. #

I swear, I physically had to run out of the house.

Was that Charlotte?

No, no, that was Anna.

-And was she before?

-Yeah.

Are you courting now?

No, I'm not courting now.

Bloody hell, you're a right nosey bitch you, aren't you?

What?! I'm just making chitty-chat, we can't drive in silence.

I can, I used to.

Was it serious?

-Where did you meet her?

-Where did I meet her?

Er... I met her on a train, yeah.

I went for an open day at uni, she was on my train,

we got chatting and then we bumped into each other later

when they were showing us round the campus, we just hit it off.

Then we travelled back together on the train and shared a Wimpy.

Oh, that's romantic, meeting on a train. You're like Jake Gyllenhaal

and Michelle Monaghan in Source Code.

-What?

-Source Code, it's a film, it was on Film Four the other night.

Never seen it.

You need to go watch it, John. It's really good.

He is trapped in another man's body on a train for the last few

minutes of his life and he falls in love with her, but he keeps

having to go back in time again and again to foil a bomber.

We were on a sprinter to Crewe, there was none of that going on.

Shall I tell you what happened?

No, no, I might watch it.

It's a bit disappointing really. He died.

Oh, well, there you go. Anyway, we spent the day together.

-Have you seen him in Prince of Persia?

-Who?

-Jake Gyllenhaal.

-No, I don't know the man.

He's gorgeous.

He's got beautiful blue eyes, you'd know him if you saw him.

I always get him mixed up with Bradley, what's his face? Bradley?

-Walsh?

-No, was in the A-Team?

-Mr T?

-Bradley... Bradley...

He was in the A-team, Mr T.

-Bradley...

-Wiggins?

-You're just being silly now.

I'm not being silly, you asked me a question about my life, then when I start telling you, you start

going on about Bradley Gyllen-thall or whatever and his film career.

Go on, then,

tell me what happened, did you love her, did she give you butterflies?

Erm... Well, we went out for ages, you know.

I was fond of her.

I did have funny feelings in my stomach.

And then I threw up on my hand in Woolworths.

-Turned out to be food poisoning.

-Love sick.

No, I had a dicky half-pounder on the way home, that's what it were.

From Wimpy.

-Did she get it?

-Many times.

Oh, the food poisoning? No, she had a bean burger,

she was a vegetarian, weren't she?

Probably still is, knowing her.

Do you still see her?

No, not for years now, she's married. She's got two kids, I think.

Why did you split up?

-She got in uni, she met someone else.

-And did you not go?

-No, I never.

I used to go up and see her in halls,

but I didn't fit in with all her student friends,

there were all giving it ACID and that, drugs, it weren't my scene.

-Have you ever dabbled?

-I was a drugs mule once.

-A drugs mule?

Seriously, I smuggled 500 E's to Glasgow on a Virgin cross

country without even knowing.

I had no idea my ex had sewed them into my gusset.

-Knob rash!

-What a shithouse. That's a dangerous game to play.

Don't worry, I got my revenge, I planted cress seeds under his bed.

-Why?

-You've got to think long term, John.

I sewed prawns into the hem of his curtains

while he was at work, or dealing, as we later found out.

School caretaker, my eye.

-He was a drug dealer and you didn't suss?

-No, idea!

I just thought he was popular. He paid for everything in cash,

he was always going to the toilet, I thought he had cystitis.

What else did you do?

I opened every ring pull on all of the beers in his fridge

so they'd go flat.

I painted clear nail varnish on the back of his credit cards

-so they declined.

-Mind you, I don't blame you,

if the police had searched your crotch, you'd have got sent down.

I wasn't wearing them, John, they were in my vanity case.

Still, it's bang out of order.

And then I found out he was poking my cousin in Wrexham,

and I don't mean on Facebook.

What an arsehole. You're best rid of him.

I parked up outside his school, opened the car doors

and had Alanis full blast.

-Alanis?

-Morisette.

# Cos I'm here To remind you

# Of the mess you left When you went away

# And are you thinking of me When you ... her? #

I hate him.

# Now, baby come on Don't claim that love

# You never let me feel I should have known

# Cos you brought nothing real

# Come on be a man about it You won't die

# I ain't got no more tears to cry And I can't take this no more

# You know I gotta let it go

# And you know

# I'm outta love Set me free

# And let me out this misery

# Just show me the way To get my life again

# Cos you can't handle me... #

I had an e-mail from HR. Hey, are you listening?

-What?

-I had an e-mail from HR this afternoon,

I see the car share scheme seems to have been a success.

Oh, yeah. I heard.

They said you can change your buddy if you're not happy.

Right. Right.

How about you?

-What?

-Car sharing. What do you feel about it?

How do YOU feel about it?

Yeah, it's good, yeah. Do you want to try a new buddy?

Oh, right.

I suppose it makes sense to mix it up a bit, share with new people.

Yeah. I guess.

Are you going to ask for a new buddy?

Well, I want to keep my parking space.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Anyway, if you're going to be sharing with someone else...

Me? No, I'm happy sharing with you.

Oh, right, yeah. I am. I mean, me too.

Good.

'Forever FM.'

OK, here we are, home sweet home.

Got my romantic meal for one again.

Oh, yeah? What are you on?

Good For You Chicken Korma. Might throw a few chips on with it.

-Oh, yeah?

-What about you?

Er... I've defrosted a lamb stew.

Oh, get you, Ainsley.

I try.

You up to anything nice?

Nah, check my planner, I've got a couple of Brian Coxes need watching.

Well, maybe you could have a little think about your Christmas team

and all the fun we're going to have.

WE? I haven't even had chance to think about it,

let alone get a team together.

I know, but if you don't pick me

I'll tell everyone you've asked me to wee on you.

Get out of my car, you piss-throwing psycho. Go on, off.

See you in the morning, you big, gay mute.

Hey! I am what I am!

Happy Christmas.

# Every single day every single day That I'm without you

# Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit

# Just a little bit more

# Just a little more Just a little more

# Than I've ever been hurt before

# Every single day, every single day That I'm without you

# Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit

# Just a little bit more. #