Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.' | 0:00:03 | 0:00:05 | |
I don't think you know where you're going, you, love. | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
You're taking me all over the bloody place. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Immediately make a U-turn.' | 0:00:11 | 0:00:14 | |
I can't do a U-turn, I'm in the middle of the road, love. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Please turn right and make a U-turn.' | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
It's not that one. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:22 | |
SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.' | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Where are we going?! | 0:00:24 | 0:00:25 | |
-Where is this now? -SAT-NAV: 'Prepare to turn right.' | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
OK. I'm prepared. I'm prepared. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
I've been round here twice. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:35 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.' | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
This is ridiculous, this. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Please follow the road for three quarters of a mile.' | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
Yeah. I've passed these houses twice. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
That dog were a bloody puppy. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Now where are we? Absolute piss take. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.' | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Me and you are going to fall out. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:55 | |
I'll tell you that right now. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Would have been easier pulling into the garage and getting a bloody map. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.' | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
HE HONKS THE HORN | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Just wait there. Whoa! Play the game. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.' | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
Last chance. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Please turn left. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
'At the end of the road and then immediately turn left. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:18 | |
'You have reached your destination.' | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
Well this is a dead end! I can't go down here. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
SAT-NAV: 'Now, go straight.' | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Argh, you're off your tits. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Right, well, if this isn't it, you can bloody walk to work. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
SAT-NAV: 'You have reached your destination.' | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Finally. This is it. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
What's up? You sulking now, are you? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE OF 'SINGLE LADIES' BY BEYONCE | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
-Hi! -Hi there, you all right? -Did you find me all right? | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
-Not a bother, straight to the door. -Coolio. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
I'm actually a bit nervous, I've never been in a car with a stranger | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
before. Well, I know you're not a stranger, but you know what I mean. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
Do you mind if I turn the radio on? | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Go for it. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
TALK RADIO | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
MUSIC RADIO | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
I love this. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:36 | |
So do you think this car share thingy's going to work? | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
Not if we have to listen to THIS every day. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
I love Forever FM, they play timeless hits, now and forever. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
I wouldn't say Martika's Kitchen was timeless. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
Well, you remembered it. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
RADIO: # My desire's running Longer than a country mile | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
# So true, you can Make all my wishes. # | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
So why do you think they're doing this? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
-Doing what? -Car sharing. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Apparently it's good for the environment. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
That and the fact we haven't got enough car park spaces at work. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
# In Martika's kitchen, baby... # | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
Here, stick your drink in there. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Watch yourself, it doesn't fit all cups, don't force it. Ah! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
You're having a laugh! You're having a laugh! | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
I'm so sorry, I'm mortified, John. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
I'm... It's not a good start, is it? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
No, it's not a good start, not at all. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Not at all a good start. What is it? Red Bull? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:49 | |
Is it Red Bull? Fennel? Sweet and sour? | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
It smells of sweet and sour. What is it? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
It's just a sample. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
A sample, a sample of what? | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
My urine. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
I've got your piss in my mouth. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
-I'm so sorry. -What is happening? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Why have you got a sample in that? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
That's why it's called a sample, you put it in sample pot, love, | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
you don't put it in a pop bottle, with a sports top. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
I'm sorry. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
I had no choice, our Kieran's taken my funnel to Basra. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
Too much. Oh, my God, I stink. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
That explains the sweet and sour, doesn't it? You dirty... | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
I'm not dirty, thank you very much, John. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
I use a funnel for hygiene reasons, so it doesn't go on my hands. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
I don't need to know that! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
It's all right for you, you can just aim. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
40 minutes I was squatting through Daybreak. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Oh, my God, I don't believe this. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
Turn round, I'll go back and dry your shirt in my dryer. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
I've no time for that! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:42 | |
I've got an appraisal at half nine with Dave Thomson | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
and I walk in stinking like a gents' piss stones. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
RADIO: 'At Clear Vista Windows, | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
'we're shattering prices on our UPVC windows and doors. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
'And smashing the cost of our cosy conservatories.' | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
Did you? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:03 | |
Did I what? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Run the world. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
RADIO: 'You have to guess who it is. This is so easy, Katie. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
-'Can you put them in the toaster -Absolutely. Here we go. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
'So then, in the toaster | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
'this morning we have a major Hollywood star.' | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
-Nearly dry. -Aye, still stinks, though. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
It's making me hungry. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
How am I going to explain the smell? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
You could say you got mugged. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Mugged? What kind of a sick mugger throws piss on you? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
You could wear my cardi? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:47 | |
I'll pass, thanks. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
-RADIO: -'Looking OK so far this morning, | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
'there are a few things to mention, though. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
'On the M60 at junction 3 we have a few delays | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
'because of a broken down car. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
'It is just being recovered now, so hopefully that will be sorted soon. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
'The M6, we've got roadworks there, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
'heading northbound between junction 22 and 24. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
'So a bit of a queue there. It will add about 20 minutes | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
'onto your journey, particularly if you're using the M6 there. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
'And in the city, Luke Street is closed this week, so delays around | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
'the Blackhurst...' | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
-Nearly dry. -Is it? Very good. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Are you going on holiday this year? | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
-No. -Did you go anywhere last year? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
-No. -Year before? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
-No. -Blooming heck, you don't get out much, do you? | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
I've been busy working, all right? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
I went away the year before, if you must know. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
-Where did you go? -Malta. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
Oh, nice, did you go to Bugibba? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
-Bugibba. -BuGIbba. -Bugibba. -Bugibba. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
Yes, I did. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
Who did you go there with? | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
Erm, I went with my ex. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
-Do I know him? -Him?! | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
Does he work at our place? | 0:07:09 | 0:07:10 | |
He?! He?! | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
Sorry, I thought you were gay. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
Gay? I'm not gay, in any sense of the word, right? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
OK. Fair enough. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
Touched a nerve. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
What made you think I were gay? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
Well, you're always on your own. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
-'KIN HELL! AND?! -And you live with your mum, don't you? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
No, I... No, I do not live with my mum, thank you. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
Well, it was Diane off non-foods, she said you were gay. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Did she? Did she indeed? Well, I'll be having bloody words with | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Diane off non-foods, casting aspersions. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
Oh, don't say I said anything, it was at the Christmas party | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
last year and you got up to I Am What I Am. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
-AND?! -And you were dancing a bit too enthusiastically. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Mother of pearl! | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
The world's gone mad, when a man can't dance to Gloria Gaynor | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
without being accused of being a 'omosexual. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
A what? An 'omosexual? It's homosexual, John. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
Christ, I can't even speak now. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
Don't be telling Diane, she'll be telling everyone | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
-I'm a big gay mute next. -All right, Freddie, keep your vest on. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
-Freddie? -Mercury. Sat there in your gay man's vest. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
And whose fault's that? Throwing your piss all over me. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:13 | |
# Oh, I love to love But my baby just loves to dance. # | 0:08:16 | 0:08:22 | |
Look at the state of this. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
There you go, it's perfect, that. Good as new. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
Apart from the clearly obvious piss stain. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
-Say it's coffee. -Yellow coffee? | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Custard? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
Mustard? | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Korma? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
Just pull your jacket to, you won't see it. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
I did me best. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:52 | |
Thank you. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:55 | |
Apology accepted. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
So, what was she called, your ex? | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
SHE! She was called Charlotte. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
That's a nice name. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Were you with her for long? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Long enough. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Did she break your heart, were you gutted? | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
Do you still speak to her or do we hate her now? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
I appreciate your interest, Kayleigh, but some other time, eh? | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
I've enough on my mind today. Covered in piss. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
Understood, Jonathan. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
All we need. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This bugs me now, look at this. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Adult crossing here. It's a kids' crossing. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
He's on his own. He's no kids. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Chancer! It shouldn't be allowed. Judas. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:04 | |
I must remember to pick up some Mach 3 for our Kieran. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
Who is that, your boyfriend? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
No, my brother. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:12 | |
Oh, right, does he live with you? | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
Yeah, on and off. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
He's in the army, so he's always away a lot. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
I bet that's tough. Has he ever seen any action? | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
I hope not, he's a chef. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
I'm surprised you're not courting. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
Courting?! How old are you? | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
-You know what I mean. -Courting? | 0:10:32 | 0:10:33 | |
Seeing somebody. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
No. No, I'm not. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
Don't judge me, but I've just started this online dating thing. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
I'm not judging you. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:44 | |
It's just so hard to meet someone when you get to my age. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
What age is that? | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
John! You don't ask a lady her age. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
36. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Yeah, it's a last resort, to be honest. Heartsearches.com | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
-Oh, yeah. I've heard of them. -Oh, have you? 50 quid joining fee. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
-Bit steep, ain't it? -I know. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
I'm hoping it'll weed out a few chavs. I don't want no scrubs. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
Fair enough. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
My problem is, my clock's ticking now and my eggs are already nearly | 0:11:13 | 0:11:17 | |
past their use-by date, if I don't get a spurt on, they'll be whoopsed. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
All right. A bit too much information. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Women need to think about these things, John. It's all right for | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
men, you can reproduce into your 80s - look at Des O'Connor. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
It's cruel. It's cruel on the woman. It's cruel on the baby. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
Before long, she's going to be changing two sets of nappies. Ugh! | 0:11:33 | 0:11:37 | |
-I suppose. -I hate it when old people smell of wee. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
Aye, but you're all right with me stinking of it, aren't you? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
I said I was sorry, didn't I? Anyway, you can't even smell it now. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
The smell's gone. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
What are you doing? Give over. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
-Have a bit more. -Now I smell like a brothel cat. Stop it. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:54 | |
Cheeky fish, it's Jade Goody's Shush, this. 50 quid a bottle. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:59 | |
RADIO: 'Forever FM weather. With Lancashire Scrap Metal. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
'If the outlook is rubbish, call Keith on 08081570075. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:08 | |
'So, here it is, the Forever FM Golden Hour, with hits and | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
'headlines from a chosen year. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:15 | |
'Today, it was the year that the Poll Tax was abolished | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
'and Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, tragically | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
'died of AIDS while Julia Roberts was Sleeping With The Enemy. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
'Sounds like Freddie might have been as well. It's the Golden Hour from | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
'the year this band were Losing Their Religion, | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
'but what is the year?' | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
1991. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
RADIO: # Oh life, it's bigger It's bigger than you | 0:12:32 | 0:12:39 | |
# And you are not me... # | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
Aw, there he is, | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
the pride of Britain. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
Two, four, six... He's pushing his luck, isn't he? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:51 | |
20 trolleys. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
Everyone knows that the maximum is 14. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
You all right, Ted? | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
Overworked, underpaid and no time off. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
Can you manage? You've got a lot of trolleys there. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
-I got it, son. -Hiya, Ted. -Morning, my love. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:09 | |
Aw, I love ol' Ted. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
Have you finished with my shovel? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Thursday. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
Thursday, yeah. He said that last week. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
Right. Have a good day. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:21 | |
You too, see you in a wee while. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
In you go. This shouldn't be open. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Thank you. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
It was that black it was purple. I better go. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
I'll text you later, OK? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
-Bye-bye, bye-bye. Sorry, I didn't know you were in here. -Yeah. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:50 | |
-I was stood by the door. -It's all right. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Clunk, click, every trip. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Yeah. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Good day? | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
Lovely day. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
Aw, love old Ted. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
Still got my bloody shovel. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
What is it with Ted and this shovel? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
-He's got my bloody good snow shovel. -It's not snowing! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
It's not the point. He's had it for ages. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
Since we had that bad snow. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
Why do you have a shovel? | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
In case of emergencies. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
And a blanket and some rope. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
Some rope? | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
You never know, do you? | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
Well, I've got my bags for life. And some party feet. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
What? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
-RADIO: -'Hair, fashion, beauty. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
'At Cut Above Hair Salon we don't just cut your hair, | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
'we make love to it. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:42 | |
'Our world-class creative stylists know all the latest haircuts.' | 0:14:42 | 0:14:47 | |
Did I talk too much this morning? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
I was a bit nervous, were you nervous? I always talk too much | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
when I'm nervous, it's a really bad habit, I just tend to waffle on | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
and on because I can't stand awkward silences, I'm always | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
trying to fill the gap. Anyway, it won't matter now, | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
because there won't be any awkward silences | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
and if there ARE any silences, they won't be awkward. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
-RADIO: -'On the roads, looking like a busy one tonight. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
'The M6 causing problems again. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
'Long delays from junction 21 for no real reason, | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
'just volume of traffic.' | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
How was your day? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
Well, it could only get better after piss-gate. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
Piss-gate? Oh, yes, and? | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
Well, nobody seemed to notice the smell, thanks to Miss Jade Goody. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
And I managed to blag a fresh shirt off non-foods. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Saw your mate Diane. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:29 | |
You didn't say anything, did you? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
No, I couldn't, I'm a big, gay mute, remember? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
Sorry. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
-RADIO: -'What's up, Suze? You look well depressed. -You're right, Dad. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
'I am. I just don't know which college to choose. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
'There's too many options. I think my head is going to well explode. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
'That's how I felt, until I discovered Brillington College. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
'It's really wicked, Suze. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
'It's got a good on its OFSTED report, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
'which is one below outstanding. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
'And the courses it offers are really varied, | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
'from media studies to animal husbandry, | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
'theatre and make-up design, to applied mathematics. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
'Perfect for someone like you. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
'It sounds rad! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
'Brillington College, where brilliance is almost our name.' | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
And you listen to this everyday? | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
It plays good music. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
MUSIC: C'est La Vie by B-Witched | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
# I said, hey, boy Sitting in your tree | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
# Mummy always wants you To come for tea | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
# Don't be shy Straighten up your tie... # | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
I can't Irish dance, but I can Morris dance. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
I'm quite good at it, I'll show you later. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
-It's my party piece. -That's your party piece? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
-AS CILLA: -And I do a good Cilla Black impression. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
Surprise, surprise, our John. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I'm in your car. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
And we're gonna have a lorra, lorra laughs, me and you. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
And here's our Graham with a quick reminder... | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
-You sound like Miss Piggy. -I can do that too. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
-AS MISS PIGGY: -Kermy. Kermy, baby. Kermy. Hi-yah! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
It's a belter that, I bet your parties are swinging. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:20 | |
I bet your New Years are swinging, aren't they? | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
-RADIO: -'Hello, Doctor. -Hello, Mary | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
-'How can I help? -Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
'I've been proper down in the dumps. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
'I see. Depressed? Can't be bothered? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
-'Lack of energy? -Exactly. What could it be, Doctor? | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
'It's obvious, you need a brand-new shed from the Shed Surgery. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:45 | |
-'A new shed, I can't afford a new shed. -You'd be surprised.' | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
Mary doesn't want a shed! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
She wants a shag, not a shed. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
So how was your appraisal? | 0:18:01 | 0:18:02 | |
Went well, actually, they talked about moving me | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
forward for a promotion. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:05 | |
And they're putting me in charge of Christmas. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Oh! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
That's fantastic, well done. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
184! | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
184 what? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Sleeps till Christmas. I love it. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Oh, right. Basically, it means I've got to organise the store, | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
they're giving me a trial run at the busiest time of the year. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
I've got to get a Christmas team together. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
Me! Can I be on your team? I love Christmas. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
I've not had chance to think about it, you know, I've only just been told. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
I'd be perfect. You'll need someone good in promotions | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
to get everyone going. That's me. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
And it'll make a nice change from handing out free Snack-a-jacks | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
all day long. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
I'm really excited for you. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
I love Christmas, I've started doing my Christmas CD already, | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
-shall I bring it in tomorrow? -Not in this car. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
# Step into Christmas Step into Christmas | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
# De ba da da da Da da da da da da da! # | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
-What's your favourite Christmas song? -Not that one. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
# Bah, humbug But that's too strong | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
# Cos that's my favourite Christmas song | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas. # | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
All right. All right. Enough now. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
# Cos we'll be driving Home for Christmas | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
# I can't wait to see those faces! # | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
Seriously, don't do that. Don't do that. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
# Driving home for Christmas! # | 0:19:13 | 0:19:14 | |
All right. All right. I'm driving a vehicle, all right? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
All right, Grinch! Where's your festive cheer? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
I just... I don't know. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:20 | |
I just can't stand people singing in my face. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
-What, when you're driving? -No, any time, freaks me out. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:26 | |
-What? Christmas songs? -Any songs. -Why? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
I don't know, it just goes through me. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
Did something happen as a child? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
-Erm... Don't know, can't think of anything. -How weird. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
I had a bad experience once at a girlfriend's house on Christmas Eve. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Oh, God! I'll never forget that. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Why, what happened? | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
Her family had a piano and they all got up and started singing. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
All got round it singing carols and harmonising, | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
-I could have died of embarrassment. -Oh, I'd LOVE that! | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
I knew you'd say that, it was proper uncomfortable for me. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Why? What's wrong with you, it's Christmas Eve, for God's sake. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
Cos they were all too polished. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Eyes and teeth smiling, knocked me sick, singing right in my face. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:08 | |
# Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen. # | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
I swear, I physically had to run out of the house. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
Was that Charlotte? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:17 | |
No, no, that was Anna. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
-And was she before? -Yeah. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Are you courting now? | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
No, I'm not courting now. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:27 | |
Bloody hell, you're a right nosey bitch you, aren't you? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
What?! I'm just making chitty-chat, we can't drive in silence. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
I can, I used to. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
Was it serious? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
-Where did you meet her? -Where did I meet her? | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
Er... I met her on a train, yeah. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
I went for an open day at uni, she was on my train, | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
we got chatting and then we bumped into each other later | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
when they were showing us round the campus, we just hit it off. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Then we travelled back together on the train and shared a Wimpy. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Oh, that's romantic, meeting on a train. You're like Jake Gyllenhaal | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
and Michelle Monaghan in Source Code. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
-What? -Source Code, it's a film, it was on Film Four the other night. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:08 | |
Never seen it. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
You need to go watch it, John. It's really good. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
He is trapped in another man's body on a train for the last few | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
minutes of his life and he falls in love with her, but he keeps | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
having to go back in time again and again to foil a bomber. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
We were on a sprinter to Crewe, there was none of that going on. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
Shall I tell you what happened? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:25 | |
No, no, I might watch it. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
It's a bit disappointing really. He died. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
Oh, well, there you go. Anyway, we spent the day together. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
-Have you seen him in Prince of Persia? -Who? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
-Jake Gyllenhaal. -No, I don't know the man. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
He's gorgeous. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:40 | |
He's got beautiful blue eyes, you'd know him if you saw him. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
I always get him mixed up with Bradley, what's his face? Bradley? | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
-Walsh? -No, was in the A-Team? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
-Mr T? -Bradley... Bradley... | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
He was in the A-team, Mr T. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
-Bradley... -Wiggins? -You're just being silly now. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
I'm not being silly, you asked me a question about my life, then when I start telling you, you start | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
going on about Bradley Gyllen-thall or whatever and his film career. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
Go on, then, | 0:22:04 | 0:22:05 | |
tell me what happened, did you love her, did she give you butterflies? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
Erm... Well, we went out for ages, you know. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
I was fond of her. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
I did have funny feelings in my stomach. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
And then I threw up on my hand in Woolworths. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
-Turned out to be food poisoning. -Love sick. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
No, I had a dicky half-pounder on the way home, that's what it were. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
From Wimpy. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
-Did she get it? -Many times. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
Oh, the food poisoning? No, she had a bean burger, | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
she was a vegetarian, weren't she? | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
Probably still is, knowing her. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
Do you still see her? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:34 | |
No, not for years now, she's married. She's got two kids, I think. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
Why did you split up? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
-She got in uni, she met someone else. -And did you not go? -No, I never. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
I used to go up and see her in halls, | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
but I didn't fit in with all her student friends, | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
there were all giving it ACID and that, drugs, it weren't my scene. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:54 | |
-Have you ever dabbled? -I was a drugs mule once. -A drugs mule? | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
Seriously, I smuggled 500 E's to Glasgow on a Virgin cross | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
country without even knowing. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
I had no idea my ex had sewed them into my gusset. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
-Knob rash! -What a shithouse. That's a dangerous game to play. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
Don't worry, I got my revenge, I planted cress seeds under his bed. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:16 | |
-Why? -You've got to think long term, John. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
I sewed prawns into the hem of his curtains | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
while he was at work, or dealing, as we later found out. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
School caretaker, my eye. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
-He was a drug dealer and you didn't suss? -No, idea! | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
I just thought he was popular. He paid for everything in cash, | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
he was always going to the toilet, I thought he had cystitis. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
What else did you do? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
I opened every ring pull on all of the beers in his fridge | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
so they'd go flat. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
I painted clear nail varnish on the back of his credit cards | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
-so they declined. -Mind you, I don't blame you, | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
if the police had searched your crotch, you'd have got sent down. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
I wasn't wearing them, John, they were in my vanity case. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Still, it's bang out of order. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
And then I found out he was poking my cousin in Wrexham, | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
and I don't mean on Facebook. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
What an arsehole. You're best rid of him. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
I parked up outside his school, opened the car doors | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
and had Alanis full blast. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
-Alanis? -Morisette. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
# Cos I'm here To remind you | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
# Of the mess you left When you went away | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
# And are you thinking of me When you ... her? # | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
I hate him. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:23 | |
# Now, baby come on Don't claim that love | 0:24:31 | 0:24:36 | |
# You never let me feel I should have known | 0:24:36 | 0:24:42 | |
# Cos you brought nothing real | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
# Come on be a man about it You won't die | 0:24:45 | 0:24:50 | |
# I ain't got no more tears to cry And I can't take this no more | 0:24:50 | 0:24:57 | |
# You know I gotta let it go | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
# And you know | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
# I'm outta love Set me free | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
# And let me out this misery | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
# Just show me the way To get my life again | 0:25:11 | 0:25:16 | |
# Cos you can't handle me... # | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
I had an e-mail from HR. Hey, are you listening? | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
-What? -I had an e-mail from HR this afternoon, | 0:25:21 | 0:25:25 | |
I see the car share scheme seems to have been a success. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Oh, yeah. I heard. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:28 | |
They said you can change your buddy if you're not happy. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
Right. Right. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
How about you? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:37 | |
-What? -Car sharing. What do you feel about it? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
How do YOU feel about it? | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
Yeah, it's good, yeah. Do you want to try a new buddy? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
Oh, right. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
I suppose it makes sense to mix it up a bit, share with new people. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
Yeah. I guess. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
Are you going to ask for a new buddy? | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
Well, I want to keep my parking space. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Oh, right. Yeah. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
Anyway, if you're going to be sharing with someone else... | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
Me? No, I'm happy sharing with you. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
Oh, right, yeah. I am. I mean, me too. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:21 | |
Good. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
'Forever FM.' | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
OK, here we are, home sweet home. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
Got my romantic meal for one again. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
Oh, yeah? What are you on? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
Good For You Chicken Korma. Might throw a few chips on with it. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
-Oh, yeah? -What about you? | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Er... I've defrosted a lamb stew. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
Oh, get you, Ainsley. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
I try. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
You up to anything nice? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
Nah, check my planner, I've got a couple of Brian Coxes need watching. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
Well, maybe you could have a little think about your Christmas team | 0:27:10 | 0:27:14 | |
and all the fun we're going to have. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
WE? I haven't even had chance to think about it, | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
let alone get a team together. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:20 | |
I know, but if you don't pick me | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
I'll tell everyone you've asked me to wee on you. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
Get out of my car, you piss-throwing psycho. Go on, off. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:28 | |
See you in the morning, you big, gay mute. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Hey! I am what I am! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
Happy Christmas. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
# Every single day every single day That I'm without you | 0:27:39 | 0:27:44 | |
# Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
# Just a little bit more | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
# Just a little more Just a little more | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
# Than I've ever been hurt before | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
# Every single day, every single day That I'm without you | 0:27:58 | 0:28:03 | |
# Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
# Just a little bit more. # | 0:28:06 | 0:28:10 |