Episode 2 Peter Kay's Car Share

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: Birdhouse In Your Soul by They Might Be Giants

# ..Who watches over you?

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul

# Not to put too fine a point on it

# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul... #

What were these called?

Hold on...

They Might Be Giants.

They Might Be Giants!

I thought this was the Muppets.

-Really?

-No, seriously.

-Thick as pig shit.

-John!

# Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch

# Who watches over you?

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul

# Not to put too fine a point on it

# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul

# While you're at... Light switch!

# Who watches over... # You go the fast bit, and I'll...

# ..in your soul

# Not to put too fine a point on it

# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul. #

-RADIO:

-'They Might Be Giants on Forever FM, playing timeless hits

-'now and forever. Right...'

-Belter!

'Now for Who's In The Toaster?, our legendary breakfast quiz.

'We've put a famous celebrity in the toaster,

'you have to guess who it is.'

Did you pick your mum up last night?

Oh, what a fiasco that were! Plane was delayed for two hours,

and after all that I was at the wrong terminal.

We didn't get to hers until 11 o'clock, and then I had to go

back out to the Co-op Late shop because I'd not got her any bits in.

Bits?

You know, bread and milk and stuff.

Anyway, looks well - I spend all me day in a supermarket

and then I'm in Co-op Late shop at midnight buying bloody bits.

Why didn't you just pick them up in work?

Cos I've not got the time,

I had to pick her up from airport, didn't I?

Why didn't your Paul just go and get her?

Cos our Sophie were getting a badge from Beavers or something.

Oh, I used to love Beavers.

Anyway, how was your make-up party?

Virgin Vie?

It's next Monday, I got my weeks wrong.

I just went dogging instead.

-Come again?

-Eh?

-What?

Virgin Vie, it's next Monday.

Bugger the Virgin Vie, you went dogging?

Yeah, went with Ken, me neighbour.

There was nothing on telly so we just went up the back field.

-Dogging?

-Yeah.

As in...dogging?

-Yeah, dogging.

-Well...

Well, you've opened my eyes.

-What do you mean?

-You went dogging?

Yes!

And who's this Ken fella?

Ken, me next door neighbour.

He's in his 80s now, but he's very active.

Sounds like it.

Beautiful blue eyes.

I mean, that's the glaucoma.

I have to link him through the woods.

Bet you do.

Dirty old bastard.

What?! What's your problem?

Nowt.

It is a shame for him though,

he usually takes Maggie, but she's on her last legs.

-Who's Maggie?

-His cocker.

A cocker?

-Spaniel.

-A dog?

Well, what else?

So dogging is with a dog?

Are you slow, John?

Of course dogging's with a dog, what else would dogging be?

So you didn't have sex outdoors with people watching?

Are you out of your...? What?!

Why are you asking that?!

Sex? Ugh...

-You are sick, John! Sick!

-Why? You said you went dogging outdoors,

-what am I supposed to think?

-In the park! With my dog!

Dogging with my dog. Misty.

So you go dog walking, you don't go dogging.

Well, it's the same thing.

They're not the same thing! Are they hellers the same thing, they're a million miles apart!

-Where've you been living - on the moon?

-Dog walkers are doggers.

I've even got a car sticker that says, "Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas".

People are always beeping.

I bet they are. I bloody bet they are.

Dogging is people outside, usually in a car,

having sex with bored people watching.

Ugh!

-Where's the dog?

-What dog?

Where's the dog in your dogging?

I don't know! I...

-I don't think there is a dog.

-Well, why's it called dogging?

I don't know, but I'm telling you, dogging is not walking with dogs.

You're winding me up!

Ask anybody.

Do you know what, I bloody well will.

Telling you.

MUSIC: Ignition (Remix) by R Kelly

Nice to have the morning off, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it is... God bless Old Ted.

-I can't believe he's gone.

-I know. Madness, isn't it?

It's so sad. Won't feel the same without seeing him in his hi-vis jacket,

steering his trolleys round the car park.

You know, he'd been collecting trolleys at our store since 1982?

-That's dedication. We didn't open until 1990.

-Really?

Diane off non-food's got her facts wrong.

Nothing new there, then.

He's from Nigeria, you know.

-Oh, was he?

-Straight up, youngest of 12.

Aw.

Came over here in the '60s, apparently.

-He were a champion trampolinist.

-Was he?

Trampolinist? Trampo...

-Trampo...lina? What do they call it?

-Trampoliner?

-Trampoliner?

-I think that's if you're a woman.

I don't know.

Yeah, he'd bounce for hours.

World-class.

Remember he had that fundraiser in the car park for Help The Heroes..

-I don't remember that.

-You do.

-He put us all to shame.

-He was fit for his age.

Aye, he were, yeah.

He'd give your neighbour Ken a run for his money.

-Bloody dogging, indeed.

-You're wrong.

-I'm telling you.

-You're wrong.

I'm so right.

MUSIC: Turn Back The Clock by Johnny Hates Jazz

See, Ted was too energetic for his own good. That were his problem.

I still can't believe he tried to snake 26 trolleys,

-everyone knows the maximum's 20!

-Well, you said that.

-I've always said that.

-Yeah.

Pushed his luck.

Mind of their own when there's that many.

-Poor old Ted.

-It's a bloody tragedy.

Awful.

He's still got my shovel.

Just forget it.

Bloody good snow shovel, that.

You won't be saying that if we get snowed in.

Well, it's the middle of summer.

Wonder what the etiquette is, asking a widow for a snow shovel back?

You are joking me.

I'm just saying...

Wonder what song he'll have?

-When?

-Old Ted at the crematorium, as his send-off?

Jump Around?

Don't.

Don't!

-Poor Ted.

-World-class trampolinist.

What are you going to have at your funeral?

Bit of a morbid question.

Well?

Er...thinking.

This.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't know!

Don't tell me you've not thought about this?

-Have I balls! Why would I think about that? I'm 39.

-And?

-He could come at any time, John.

-Who? Who could come?

-The Grim Reaper.

-Oh, well. Bollocks to him.

Anyway, I'll be dead by then so it won't matter what they play.

Of course it matters, you want a good send-off, don't you?

I don't know.

Owt mellow. Something by Kenny G or...

-Enya.

-Ugh, Enya?

I love a bit of Enya.

Hot bath, some candles...

-We had a girl at our school called Sarah Way...

-..bit of Enya.

..we used to sing Enya to her.

# Sarah Way, Sarah Way, Sarah Way. #

Oh - Sail Away, Sarah Way...

She's a desk sergeant now, in the police.

I love that Sarah Way song.

Orinoco Flow, that. '88.

First number one, that, only number one.

Too jolly for a funeral, that.

-You need summat much slower.

-It's your funeral.

You've got me thinking now.

Hmm.

Do you want to know what I'd have?

What would you have?

Well...

..for my entrance song, I'm going to have the instrumental version

to My Heart Will Go On, off the Titanic soundtrack.

Proper weepy. And it's really good to slow walk in to.

-Get the whole audience wailing...

-Congregation.

-Yep. They'll all be...

-A bit of respect.

They'll all be crying their eyes out at this, proper emotional!

I fancy having a few poems in there, somewhere.

I have always fancied someone reading out the words to S-Club 7, Reach.

Reach for the stars? That's a bit chipper for a funeral, isn't it?

They won't be singing it, just reading the words out.

"When the world leaves you feeling blue

"You can count on me I will be there for you."

How? You're dead.

Well, I'll be speaking to everyone from heaven.

"When it seems all your hopes and dreams

"Are a million miles away

"I will re-assure you."

What are you on about?

"Reach for the stars Climb every mountain higher

"Reach for the stars Follow your heart's desire

"Reach for the stars

"And when that rainbow's shining over you

"That's when all your dreams will come true."

And I'm the rainbow.

So, whenever anyone sees a rainbow, they'll be thinking of me.

I'm feeling emotional.

That is hardcore, Kayleigh.

-You've really given this some thought, haven't you?

-I have.

You've got to.

I've also asked me Auntie Annie to play White Flag on the clarinet.

-Dido?

-Of course.

-Then, for the finale...

-There's more?

Oh, yes.

They're going to play my favourite song.

Take That, Never Forget.

See what I'm doing? See what I'm doing?

So, it's just going to play as the curtains shut.

-I take it you're being cremated?

-Oh, yeah.

I don't want to wake up dead. Scratching on the lid.

So Take That's coming on, curtains are shut.

All the trumpets at the beginning, dead dramatic.

It's coming to the chorus,

and everyone's going to be, like, nodding

and they'll be crying but it'll be like a happy, smiley, cry-ey...

-Cry-ey?

-You know what I mean.

And I wouldn't even object if a few people start doing the whole

# Neeeever...forget... #

You're actually looking forward to your funeral.

Well, It should be a celebration.

Why don't you go the whole hog and have a conga?

That's just ridiculous.

'..famous around the world for his martial arts films,

'we were after Pat Moriarty!

'The actor who played Mr Miyagi, of course, in the Karate Kid films...'

MUSIC: Ordinary World by Duran Duran

Me dad wanted Three Steps To Heaven, Eddie Cochran, when he died.

They brought his coffin into church...

Your dad's dead?

Yeah.

But you talk about him all the time.

When did he die?

Just before Christmas.

Sorry. I never knew.

I were off work for a month. You signed my sympathy card.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I remember now.

It must have been an awful time.

It was all right. He'd been ill for ages.

Why do people always say it's all right when...

it isn't all right?

He'd been ill for ages, but it was still shit when it happened.

What was he ill with?

Everything.

You know what I hated?

Organising stuff.

The responsibility, and...

I organised my grandma's funeral through work when she died.

I couldn't believe they did funerals. They do everything now.

Yeah, Cath Hilton sorted it all out for us.

Me mum got the reward points.

She got herself a new sun lounger.

Every cloud.

Sorry, go on. You were talking about your dad.

It's all right.

The world just doesn't stop turning cos somebody dies, love.

I know you might want it to, but it doesn't.

Give over, will you?

-Bloody dogging!

-Wrong!

I'm not wrong.

Go on, tell me about your dad's song.

Yeah. He said he wanted Three Steps To Heaven, Eddie Cochran,

when we carried him into the church,

so I gave it to them on a CD.

Double CD, I'd just bought it him for Christmas.

Hits Of The '60s.

I labelled it up for them to play,

and as we came marching in through the door, they played Dizzy.

Rascal?

No - Dizzy, Tommy Roe.

I don't know it.

You do. # Dizzy, my head is spinning

# Like a whirlpool... #

Put the wrong disc on.

It was track nine, disc two. Arseholes.

-What did you do?

-We all had to shuffle back out with the coffin.

-Moment was ruined.

-That's awful!

-I know,

couldn't have picked a happier song.

'..point nine magnitude quake hit just after 4am,

'its epicentre is believed to be around the Carlisle area,

'but it was reported across Cumbria, Lancashire, and even as far away

'as South Cheshire. Forever FM news...'

This is all a bit much, isn't it?

Having a funeral service in a supermarket.

I think it's nice.

He'd have loved all this.

-Should be in work.

-I wish we'd gone the crematorium now.

I can't, I've too much to do, they've got me working

on a new trolley safety policy now, after what happened last week.

Should've got a pound to split them trolleys.

'Golden Hour, with hits and headlines from our chosen year.

'This morning, it's the year Tom Hanks bagged

'his second Oscar for Forrest Gump,

'and Scottish band Stiltskin were riding high at the top of the charts

'with this rock classic. But what was the year?'

1994.

That's clever.

So who's going to be collecting trolleys now then?

Barbara Bask's eldest lad.

He's home from uni for the summer.

Well, whoever he is, he'll never replace Old Ted.

'The Forever FM Golden Hour.'

MUSIC: Inside by Stiltskin

Oooh.

Then again...

He's shot up, hasn't he?

Hasn't he just?

Right, come on. Work.

-HE TURNS OFF RADIO OK.

-Come on!

Goodnight, ladies.

-Who you looking for?

-No-one.

That bleach heavy, is it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'll get rid of this then.

Bloody bleach, you must think I'm daft.

That's who you were looking for.

-What?

-Him! Ted's replacement.

MUSIC: All Rise by Blue

That's outrageous!

Where's his tie?

It's too hot to be wearing a tie, John.

Oh, aye? I bet he'd like an older woman.

What are they called...cougars.

-I don't what you're papping on about, John.

-I bet you don't.

I am a cougar.

Rarr!

'It is Forever FM with a Big Drive Home.'

Did you see they had to remove all the flowers from the scene

-of Ted's accident in the car park?

-Yeah.

-People kept taking them to the check-outs trying to buy them!

-I know.

What idiot picks up a wreath that clearly spells the name Ted

and thinks it's on sale?

Well, you say that,

but Joyce Chung on checkouts rang through for a price check.

-You're joking.

-Nobody could find the price,

-so they put it through as cress.

-Cress?

Nuts!

'A Bambers' Sausage is a sausage the whole family can enjoy.

'Made with all our own natural ingredients.

'So you know exactly what you're getting.

'Give your mouth a treat, try some of Ken's meat.

-'Ken Bambers...'

-That's just out-and-out porn.

'..the home of the Old English Sausage.

'Always and forever,

'this is the station with the timeless hits.'

'Timeless hits. Forever FM.'

MUSIC: True Colours by Cyndi Lauper

# You with the sad eyes

# Don't be discouraged Oh, I realise

# It's hard to take courage

# In a world full of people

# You can lose sight of it all

# And the darkness inside you

# Can make you feel so small

# But I see your true colours

# Shining through

# I see your true colours

# And that's why I love you

# So don't be afraid to let them show

# Your true colours

# True colours are beautiful

# Like a rainbow. #

-You're quiet for a change. Oi!

-Hmm?

I say, you're quiet for a change.

Just thinking...

About what?

About Old Ted.

-Not new Ted?

-No.

Old Ted.

Been thinking about it all day. Do you think he was happy?

Happy in what way?

With his life, at the end?

You mean right at the end?

-When the trolleys went...

-No, I mean with his life!

Who knows?

He seemed happy, he had everything, you know...

Good job, lovely wife.

-My snow shovel...

-John.

I'd only used it twice. It still had its tag on.

Anyway...we'll never know will we?

He seemed happy, but who knows what goes though people's minds?

He was happy that day

when he was bouncing on that trampoline for Help The Heroes.

Yeah, but you said he had everything you need to be happy.

Yeah, and your point is what?

Well, are you happy?

Are YOU happy? Cos you're acting weird.

I mean, I love me job, but do you ever fancy

chucking it all in and going backpacking?

Are you on glue?

I'm being serious!

-I don't need this on a Tuesday.

-John...

-What?

-Do you not?

-Do I not what?

Fancy just getting away from it all?

-Why, are you offering?

-No.

I'm asking you because you said Ted had everything he needed to be happy.

A good job, a lovely wife...

I haven't got anybody.

I've got an amazing family, I've got great friends,

I go out and have a laugh and that, but all I've ever wanted

is just to meet the man of me dreams and have babies.

Yeah, but that's why you're trying to find someone.

Giving this online dating a whirl.

That's a good thing, yeah?

But when?

Look, if it's meant to be, it'll be.

What about you? You can't be happy on your own.

Jesus. Well, I were until you pointed it out.

Sorry.

I've always been happy on me own.

But you must get lonely.

Never. Honestly.

Not everybody needs somebody to be with, you know.

I do.

Happiness, for me, is about enjoying the odd good time

rather than expecting one constant party in life.

Accept your limitations and you can't go wrong, that's my advice.

That can't be right.

Works for me.

But you must want a bit of love in your life?

Look, women come and women go.

# And when the rain washes you clean, you'll know. #

-Kind of.

-I love The Corrs. You never hear from them now, do you?

The Corrs? Wash your mouth out! That's Fleetwood Mac.

What? Dream's The Corrs that!

They covered it, badly I might add. That were Fleetwood Mac, originally.

Oh, I'd rather jack.

Bet you would.

Rumours? You ever heard Rumours?

-What?

-What?!

Rumours is one of the best albums in the whole wide world!

-Never even heard of it.

-Excuse me?

You've never heard of Rumours? Oh, you'll love it.

I'll burn you a copy. Tonight.

One of my all-time favourite albums.

Mine's Now 48.

-Now 48?!

-They're all on it, all me faves...

S-Club 7, Steps, Samantha Mumba, Shaggy!

-It wasn't me.

-No. No, I'm sorry.

-You can't have a Now album as your favourite album.

-Why not?

Cos you can't have a compilation.

I can have what I want, John.

I love it, reminds me of the summer I worked in River Island.

Well...

'You're listening to the Big Big Drive Home with Andy.

'Just reading a report out today that says more UK children have pets

'than ever before, with apparently one in three households

'providing a home to either a dog or a cat.'

Did you ever have any pets when you were growing up?

Fish.

Everyone had fish. You used to win them at summer fairs.

-They don't allow that now...

-I know, that's wrong, though, cos they're always half dead.

Bounce a ping pong ball into a jar and win a goldfish.

My grandad cooked our fish.

We went to Pwllheli and he left it on the thermostat and boiled the frigger.

Did you have any other pets?

Erm... Had a dog.

What happened to it?

Some other dogs attacked it. It were awful.

One of the dogs...

(bit its dick off...)

WHAT?!

Well, I looked down and it only had half a dick.

That's like a sex attack!

Awful. And then it looked up... at me and Paul,

and then just...died.

So I rang my mate Dave up, he come up,

and we put it in a Walkers crisps box and took it to the pet cemetery.

£8.50 it were. Or two for 15 quid.

-Lovely dog.

-Did you find out who the owners were of the other dogs?

No, bastards. But it would hump anything with a pulse.

It would walk silhouetted across the room like that.

To the theme from Quantum Leap.

With its hand like that?

Its paw. I'm driving a car!

Its paws! Paws up...

Why?

-Why?!

-And it were fruity, with its lipstick out.

When it still had one.

They're all right, pets,

but it's just the looking after them, isn't it, really?

How do you get on with Misty, being at work all day?

She's a house dog. She's very lazy.

Ken nips round at lunch time.

Why, has he got a key?

-Yeah.

-You've given him a key to your house?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-In emergencies!

He nips in at lunchtime, lets her out the back.

She has a little run round.

Sometimes, if he's going for a walk, he'll take her with him.

You're very trusting, giving him a key.

It's Ken, what's he going to do?

-Dance around with your knickers on his head.

-Ugh.

You're bad-minded, John, that's your problem.

Leave a camera set up, you'll soon find out.

Yes, we will soon find out.

Never mind You've Been Framed, it'll be Ken Goes Dogging.

-Right, pull over now.

-What?

Just pull over here, quick.

Why, what's up? Oh, come on, I was only having a laugh.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you - excuse me, have you got a minute?

Do you know him?

-Who is he?

-Hello!

You're beautiful, aren't you? You out with your daddy?

You're beautiful. How old is she?

-She's just six months.

-Aw!

Bloody handful, I can tell you.

-Aw! Listen, would you mind settling an argument for us?

-Go on.

Would you describe yourself as a dogger?

Oh, sorry, bud. She don't mean any offence.

-Don't listen to her...

-Is this a wind-up?

-No, not at all.

-Oh, God.

-So why do you ask? Are you both, um...doggers?

Well, I am. He just thinks I'm just some kind of weirdo.

Most natural thing in the world! I've done it for years.

-How I met the wife.

-Aw!

-See?

-And where do you... Where do you do your dogging, mate?

To be honest, best place I've found -

-industrial estate, after dark.

-Oh, right?

-You need to keep your wits about you.

-Yeah, yeah.

Why? You...looking for a mate to go dogging with?

Me and the wife would love the company.

Yeah, I don't see why not. That'd be lovely.

See, told you.

He doesn't understand the joys of dogging.

He's clearly never fucked in front of a crowd, has he, flower?

Right, drive on.

Drive on, John! John, drive, drive, drive!

'..Street in Ashton. That's still closed due to accident.

-'Avoid the area if you can...'

-Are you OK?

World's gone mad.

'..call us on the Forever FM Jam Line, it's 08081 570 555.'

'Forever FM, traffic and travel. With BrighterDayCareers.co.uk.'

Oh, I forgot to tell you -

Dave Thomson and the team were happy

-with me plans for the new trolley regulations.

-Great.

They were particularly fond of the name I suggested.

Oh, yeah? What was it?

Trolley Education.

Or just plain old TED for short.

That's so lovely.

He'd love that.

MUSIC: I Believe In You by Kylie Minogue

Are you out tonight?

No. I'm back round my mum's again.

Are you keeping her company more since your dad?

No, I'm power washing her stone cladding.

-After I've taken her to Zumba.

-Oh, where does she go?

Church hall, Prestolee, near the crematorium.

Oh, she wants to try Shabam.

It's the new Zumba. Works every muscle group.

She can come with me. St Michael's Primary, every Tuesday.

-Don't, you'll make me yawn.

-How much?

£3.50, but they test your cholesterol as well.

-Who does?

-Shirley's husband.

Is he trained?

Well, he got a pack from Flora a couple of years back, he uses that.

-Oh, ey up, you're wanted here.

-Oh, it's Ken from next door.

-You're shitting me.

-Don't say anything to him. Don't say anything...

-Hiya, Ken!

-Hiya, Kayleigh, love.

-This is John, from work.

-Oh, hiya, John!

-Come in, why don't you? Come in!

-This is Ken.

You've a grip there, eh? I bet you need that.

Kayleigh, do you fancy going dogging again, after Corrie?

-Are you all right?

-She just told me a joke, buddy.

I'll tell you it later, Ken.

I think we need to have a little chat, Kenneth, all right?

OK, I'll come out now, Ken.

OK.

-I'll leave that one with you, Kayleigh.

-Shut up. Shut up.

-I'll see you in the morning.

-See you tomorrow.

-Yes.

Woof!

Get in there, Ken!

Whoo! "Since when?"

# And I believe in you

# I believe in you

# I believe in

# I believe in you

# I believe in

# I believe in you

# I believe in

# I believe in you

# I believe in

# I believe, I believe, I believe

# In you. #