Episode 3 Peter Kay's Car Share

This programme contains some strong language.

RADIO: 'If your career's going the wrong way down a one-way street,

'turn it around at BrighterDayCareers.co.uk.'

'Firstly, that incident we reported on the M6 -

'a lorry has shed its entire load of bottled beer just near junction 32.

'Now, the northbound carriageway is completely closed,

'so all I can suggest is avoid the area at all costs

'cos it's an absolute nightmare, as you can imagine.

'We'll have more on that story in the news as well.

-'Elsewhere, not so much to report, really...'

-'Ey up.

'..don't forget Brundle Street is closed until further notice,

'they're dealing with a collapsed sewer there.

-'There are diversions in place...'

-Hello!

-'Buses, trains and trams all looking good this morning...'

-You all right?

'I've heard of a beer on the house, but a beer on the motorway?'

-'Forever FM, traffic and travel...'

-Where's she going?

-'..with BrighterDayCareers.co.uk.'

-Ugh...

'Your route to a better, brighter future.'

MUSIC: Can You Dig It? by The Mock Turtles

Hello...

Let me in here. Let me in, let me in...

Let me in, let me in... Come on, you miserable sod, come on!

Come on, come on, let me in!

We're going to lose her!

Let me in!

Ah... Shit.

Ah, well. There she goes.

Probably married, anyway.

Or some psycho trying to lure me in.

# Can

# You understand me now

# I'll get it through somehow

# You

# Won't ever get me down

# Won't see me hanging around

# Can you dig it?

# Oh, yeah

# Can you dig it?

# Oh, yeah

# Can you dig it?

# Oh, yeah

# Can you dig it? What I'm saying...

CAR HORN BEEPS

# One little kiss isn't anything

# I won't be sad. #

Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

CAR HORN BEEPS

Picking someone up. All right?

-Hiya.

-Morning...

-Oh! Bloody hell! Oh!

Oh, my God.

-Bloody hell... Are you all right?

-Don't look at me!

-Don't look at me.

-What happened?

I forgot to put me feet in.

You OK? You drunk?

I've had a drink, John, but I'm not drunk.

You stink of drink!

Ugh, your breath stinks, you're leathered.

I'm not! Cheeky rat.

What's she looking at?

Probably looking at you.

Look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Thanks very much, Jonathan. Happy Christmas to you too.

-John, look at that!

-I can't, I am driving.

-Look at it.

-Well, you hit your hand when you fell, didn't you?

I've got gravel in my hand!

Dirty.

-Here, have some wipes.

-Thank you. Thank you!

My pleasure.

WHY...have you got baby wipes in your car?

They're not baby wipes, they're just wipes.

Well, you haven't got a baby, and you don't wear make-up.

Or do you?

-You out last night, were you?

-Well...

You know our Kelly's going to Australia tonight?

Yeah, you said.

So everyone just piled round at our house for a P-A-R-T-Y!

Because I said so.

You are proper pissed.

I am.

I can't do it any more, I'm too old.

I used to go out and partayyy. Party all night long.

Party with Kayleigh.

Then go to work, eight-hour shift. Yes, sir!

Fine.

Now, it's going to take me about four days

to get over this, John, seriously.

I didn't get to bed till five! Five o'clock.

Our Kieran...

was making everyone Cheeky Vimtos.

-Have you had one?

-No, I've never had one.

Port...

and Blue WK Wickeds.

Lethal.

All the rage in Basra.

Didn't know your Kieran were home on leave.

I told you! He's on leave, John!

You didn't tell me.

I told you.

Didn't get to bed till five in the AM!

I know, you said.

I woke up on the poof.

It's still going.

They're still going! SingStar.

Crazy.

Ugh...!

Jonathan! You did not tell me I had one eyelash.

Was too busy looking at your hair.

-Thought it were Carol Decker staggering out your house.

-Aw...

I love Carol Decker.

I love her and I miss her.

You can't go to work like that.

What you going to do? Look at the state of you!

I'll just have a good stand-up wash in the disabled bogs.

Be fine.

'..Brillington College - where brilliance is almost our name.'

Let's tame the mane.

'My name's Shirley, and I lost 3st with Weight Stoppers.

-'I was always big growing up...'

-KAYLEIGH FARTS

'..got all the names - Chunky Monkey, Fatty Bum-bum, Sausage Fingers...'

-(So sorry.)

-'..Blobface. That was the worst...'

Animal.

'..It wasn't easy. But then I heard about Weight Stoppers.

'The menus are great. I can have all my favourite food,

'as long as I cut out anything that makes me fat.'

MUSIC: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John

What's so funny? Go on, what?

What? What? Go on.

-You'll laugh. You'll laugh.

-What?

-We were playing this game last night.

-What?

Lady Diana!

It's hysterical.

Hysterical. Have you played it?

I've never heard of it. Never heard of it.

Good. Cos it's my game. Copyright! Copyright here.

You are so leathered!

SHE MUMBLES: Lady Diana.

-What'd you say?

-Lady Diana.

-Eh?

-Go on, you say it. Lady Diana.

Why?

It's the game!

You've got to say Lady Diana as small as you possibly can.

(Lady Diana.) Go on, you do it.

-Do it!

-Get out of town!

-Do it!

-No.

-Go on!

-No.

-Go on, go on, go on, go on.

-No! Don't be stupid.

-Lady Diana.

-Bloody crap game.

-Lady Diana.

-No.

-Lady Diana. Do it.

-No.

-Lady Diana. I'll keep saying it till you do it, John!

-Lady Diana.

-Lady Diana.

No! Do it with a little...

little tiny mouth. Say it.

Lady Diana.

Lady Diana...

Lady Diana.

(Lady Diana.)

It's outrageous! That's so silly...!

I'm going to crash!

-Just ridiculous.

-I just nearly wee'd!

Don't you wee on my seats, lady!

(Diana.)

I'm hurting!

That's a good game.

# ..a shooting star

# An everlasting world and you're here with me

# Eternally

# Xanadu

-# Xanadu... #

-Ugh... Minger.

Would you believe I've finally got a date today of all days, too?

-You've got a date today?

-Yeah. Can you believe it? Typical.

I'm meeting him at lunchtime.

He's going to run a mile when I rock up looking like t'Bride of Chucky!

Hate my nose...!

You've a lovely nose. Why are you meeting him at lunchtime?

Er... Safer.

And if I don't like him, I can just say I've got to go back to work.

And what if you like him?

SCHWARZENEGGER VOICE: I'll be late back.

Where you meeting him?

Nando's at half 12.

Oh. Who said romance was dead?

I think I'm on to a winner with this one, actually.

You said that the last time.

He's exotic.

He's intelligent.

Perfect match.

Opposites attract.

Careful, you.

-He's Japanese, actually.

-Who is?

-Me date.

-Oh!

You know how much I love sushi.

No.

I do, and you do know.

-You won't even eat prawn crisps.

-Sushi isn't crips, John!

I've been learning that Japanese!

SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE

That's good!

That's fantastic! What did you say?

"Hi! It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm your date for today."

-That's great, that.

-It's dead easy. Learnt it online.

Can you say...

"Good morning, John"?

I can. Ohesan, John.

-Ohesan, John.

-Ohesan!

Ohesan, John.

Ohesan, Kayleigh.

-Ohesan, John.

-Yeah. Bloody hell.

What about swear words? You must know swear words.

-Very childish.

-Go on... Go on.

Kuso debu.

Eh?

-Kuso debu.

-Kuso debu.

Angry. Kuso debu.

-Kuso debu!

-Kuso debu.

-What does that mean?

-"Fat shit!"

-Ha-ha-ha! Brilliant.

-Kuso debu.

-Kuso debu.

I've got to use that today.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Get out of my way, you kuso debu!

-You're not American.

-Yeah, I know.

MUSIC: How Will I Know by Whitney Houston

'Forever FM - playing timeless hits, now and forever.'

Whoo!

Oh, frig-a-dig, it's Ray from work.

-What?

-Ray. Work Ray.

-Oh, shit.

Ugh... Don't let him see us, he stinks of fish, him.

-He's a fishmonger.

-Well, I know that.

-Stink Ray, we call him.

-So do we.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

Pat Smyth refused car share with him, cos he reeks of fish that bad.

That's why he'll be getting the bus.

Keeps stinking her car out.

It's cost her a fortune in Magic Trees.

Never mind a Magic Tree. You need a Magic Forest.

-Well, he's not getting in here.

-Oh... No.

-Don't look at him!

-Don't look at him, look straight ahead.

-I am.

That's it, Ray - keep looking for the bus.

Please don't let him in, John.

I'll throw up in your car, you know I can't stand fish.

You said you liked sushi.

-Sushi isn't fish.

-What is it then?

Wrestling. JOHN MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH

That's it, Ray, look at the bus. Don't look at us.

Keep going. Keep going.

Nothing to see.

Made it.

Oh... Thank the Lord. That was close.

-BOTH: Argh...

-God.

Shall...shall we just ignore him? Just look forward.

He's staring right at you!

All right...!

All right, how's it going?

Oh, hi!

-Just on my way to work.

-Yeah?

-Thought it was you two.

-Yeah, it's us.

-On your way to work?

-No.

-Er...

Yeah... Yeah.

-Got any chance of a lift?

-What?

Any chance of a lift? Me car's in for a service.

(Liar.)

The bus is taking ages.

-(What we going to...? What? What?)

-(Let him in.) Yep, not a bother.

-That all right?

-Yeah, get in.

-Brilliant.

-'Ere we go.

-(Jesus...)

-Been there ages talking to them ladies.

-Have you?

-One of their husbands had died.

-Pfft!

(I think he's got in here.)

Sorry about that.

Thought you were one of those gypsies, you know.

You get it? Cleaning your windows without asking?

Oh, yeah. Cos I'm always getting mistaken for a gypsy girl(!)

(Kuso debu.)

(Correct.)

Who are you calling a fat shit?

JAPANESE ACCENT: Oh... You speak the Japanese?

-'Tis my mother tongue.

-Oh.

HE SPEAKS JAPANESE

-What did he say?

-Never you mind.

I trained there, '86 to '95, boom time!

I worked on the fish markets, where men are men and...fish are filleted.

I developed me knife skills. Me yanagi, my deba.

Any update on t'knife situation?

Cos I've told you, I can't slice through butter with that shite you give me at work.

I'm sorting it, all right?

Yeah, are you? We've had this conversation.

MUSIC: Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze

-What you doing!?!

-Get it pumped up!

I was a very naughty boy to this song, many moons ago in Okinawa.

# Nah, na-na-na-nah

# Na-na-na-nah, na-na-nah na-na-nah

# Na-na-na-nah... #

This is it, here we go, two-three-four!

HE SINGS ALONG POORLY, MOSTLY MAKING NOISES INSTEAD OF LYRICS

-# Here comes the hotstepper

-Murderer

-# I'm the lyrical gangster

-Murderer

-# Pick up the crew in-a de area

-Murderer

-# Still love you like that

-Murderer...

Come on!

# No, no - we don't die

# Yes, we multiply

# Anyone test will hear the fat lady sing

-# Here comes the hotstepper

-Murderer

-# I'm the lyrical gangster

-Murderer

Come on, dead bodies!

You're boring.

And that's why you'll never beat the Japanese for efficiency.

Hey. Did you talk to Dave Thomson about getting me some cover on the counter?

I did. I did, he's all over it, Ray.

-He's going to get it sorted.

-You said that three weeks ago.

I'll chase him up. Trust me, it's going to get sorted.

I'm up to me eyes in it since George collapsed.

-Are you listening?

-Look, I'm listening...

-Hey! Ray.

If he says he'll sort it, he'll sort it, all right?

'Ark at Amy Winehouse here!

He's got enough on his plate, this fella.

He's got to organise Christmas.

Fuck Christmas, I'm spread out too thin down there.

There's no need for that, OK?

How dare you eff Christmas?

It's only ruddy fish, Ray!

There's plenty more of 'em in the sea.

-Only fish? You've got no idea, have you?

-No.

I've got 30 lines coming in every single day, love -

I've got to gut 'em and get them cleaned up. And its all about presentation.

Cos if they can't see it, they can't buy it.

Eye level is buy level. And they're not just buying fish!

It's personality.

I've always said it - it's 30% fish, 70% charisma.

-(Bollocks.)

-It's not bollocks!

And it's got to be fresh.

Cos if they can smell it before they can see it, we've got a big problem!

-(Well, we've got a big problem...)

-Come again?

That was just... I was just getting a drink.

Fishmongery is an art form. It's a skill.

-Fish is in my blood.

-Ugh...

Me father was a fishmonger,

me father's father was a fishmonger. Three generations of fish.

-Good cod(!)

-Yeah, you're laughing now, missy,

but when I go, that'll be it. Finito benito.

We're a dying breed!

There'll always be fish, but there won't always be fishmongers.

It's a sad fact.

Kids today, they don't want fishmongery as a trade.

They want Ugg boots and a wrap of whizz.

Oh, shut it, will you? You're giving me a haddock.

Oh, yeah, "haddock", very funny. Grow up!

-Just calm down, t'pair of you, will you?

-It's him!

-He can't hake a joke!

-Oh, I can, flower,

but I've got buttons and you're pushing 'em.

-All right...Mr Crabby.

-Just ignore her, Stin...

Ignore her, Ray. She's leathered.

I'm not! It's him.

-Moby Dickhead.

-You're the Moby Dickhead, Worzel!

Just calm down, t'pair of you! I'm getting a bloody haddock meself.

-So am I all right for a lift home?

-Ha!

-Er... I don't think there'll be enough room.

-Why?

Erm... We've got to pick up a prescription.

-Prescription?

-For me.

-Yeah, she's got to pick up her prescription.

Well, how big are your tablets?

-Oh, they're not...

-You can't ask a lady that, Ray,

-play the game.

-Yeah - mind that, they're lady things.

-Oh, right.

Well...can I come with you as far as the chemist?

Then I'll get the bus from there, least I'll be halfway home.

'.. we've got soldering wire coming out of our storage boxes.'

'So, off we go. The Forever FM Golden Hour,

'with hits and headlines from a chosen year.

'It was the year that publishing tycoon Robert Maxwell

'was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean, whilst this motley crew were

'sexing up the charts. But who were they, and what was the year?'

-Colour Me Badd, '91.

-'91!

MUSIC: I Wanna Sex You Up by Colour Me Badd

Where's HIS hi vis jacket?

Look at him! I'll be having bloody words.

Killjoy.

Who is he?

Old Ted's replacement.

Oh, don't let him see me like this.

Oh, he's half your age, love! He won't be looking at you.

Come on, hurry up, hurry up, I'm going to be late!

Should have GOT the bus.

Right, I better leg it. Got a delivery.

I'll catch you two later. See you on the ice.

-I hate him.

-He is a proper arsehole.

Never, ever let that happen again. I stink.

Well, we're going to have to think of something.

Because he's coming with us to get your prescription.

Sorry. Me mind just went blank.

Well, that can't have been hard, can it?

Oh, don't you start.

Oh... Help me, help me! I'm all right, I'm all right.

There's some weight in here, in't there?

-See you, Kayleigh.

-Oh, bye, Alexa, bye.

Watch where you're going.

I tell you what, I would not want to be a woman.

Only good for two things - cooking and...

-Can't shift that.

-It's all right, we'll sort it when John comes.

You sure? That's some heavy medication you've got there,

-what is it?

-Never you mind.

Whatever you've got, I hope that shifts it.

OK.

-John'll be here in a minute.

-Right, great.

Right, well, I'll be off for me bus then.

Thank you.

Yep. See you later.

See ya.

-See ya.

-Bye.

Get out.

Oh... Thank Christ for that.

Thought he'd never leave.

That worked a treat, didn't it?

Well, how were we to know he'd left his bloody hat?

-I feel awful.

-Well, I don't.

I had to have me car re-valeted twice in me lunch hour.

-Stank of fish.

-Mortified.

-Oh, shit, he's here.

-Oh.

-Oh, God...

-Look forward.

-Don't look, don't look, don't look...

Mortified... Ah!

-Kuso debu! Kuso debu!

-Put your foot down!

-Oh... Psycho.

-Psycho!

'..morning rush hour, so try and find yourself an alternative route.

'Trains, buses and planes all OK. If you see something

'we're not talking about, you can call us on the Forever FM Jam Line.'

MUSIC: The King Of Rock 'N' Roll by Prefab Sprout

Ugh. Well, I hope she cleaned it up.

SHE LAUGHS Our Kieran slept in the bath!

He couldn't get in his own bedroom cos Gill and Alison were crashed out on his bed!

So funny.

OK. OK.

Well, I'll Skype you when you've landed

and you're settled in, all right?

Yeah, you just get your head down, have a kip.

That's what I'm going to do.

All right. Be careful.

I love you.

Yeah. Sure.

OK, bye! Bye-bye-bye. Bye.

Going to miss her so much.

Our Kelly, she's off to Australia.

Where's she stopping out there?

With family.

Me Auntie Pat and Uncle Bob. Lovely people.

I love her so much.

She's been there for everything in my life, Kelly.

Don't know how I'm going to cope without her.

I know it sounds dead selfish and everything, but

I really hope she's homesick, and has to come back soon.

Don't look at me like that.

Give her a chance! She's not even taken off yet.

-I know. But I'm going to miss her!

-Flippin' heck.

-Hey, how did your date go?

-Oh...

He wasn't even Japanese!

Furious! After I'd learnt the language as well.

-Oh, no. Where were he from?

-Rochdale!

-Rochdale?!

-Yeah! His name wasn't even Simon.

-Well, what made you think it was?

-Well, he'd shortened it to Si.

Fair enough. But why the oriental?

Cos his username was Jap Si.

-Jap's eye?!

-I know.

Jap's eye! Jap's eye!

HE LAUGHS

Racist.

I'm not being racist.

-You're laughing!

-Jap's eye!

Oh, God... I hope you made your excuses and left, sharpish.

Yeah. I did.

-Just went to the ladies' and climbed out the window.

-Why?

I hate goodbyes.

'This is Forever FM. Let's get your latest news headlines.'

'This is Forever FM...'

I wish you'd be careful on those dating sites.

-Oh, I'm all right.

-Jap's eye?!

-A blip, Jonathan.

A blip? What about the pussy lover?

You thought HE was just fond of cats.

They can't all be weirdos.

It's costing me 15 quid a month, this.

There's got to be somebody out there.

I think you're wasting your bloody time.

Well, I haven't got any time to waste. I've told you me clock's ticking.

I'm not going to meet someone sitting on me arse.

It's stupid, there's nothing wrong with you.

Well, we all need someone.

I've told you - I don't.

I don't believe you. You've had girlfriends in the past.

Yeah. I have. That's exactly why I know I don't need anybody.

Women, they just mess you about at the end of the day.

-Like who?

-All of you.

You're nuts.

Look at Anna. She dumped me and then came back six months later,

said she'd changed her mind.

Which one was that? Was she the one you went to Malta with?

No. She went to uni and went off with someone else.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The one that you thought you were in love

-but you were sick on your hand.

-Threw up on my hand in Woolworths.

So did Charlotte... Was it Charlotte - did SHE dump you?

Erm...

No, that were a bit of a misunderstanding, that.

How come?

-We were living together and things had...

-You were living together?!

-Yeah.

-Really?

Yeah!

Must have been serious. Were you engaged?

-Were you?!

-Yeah.

You're a little dark horse, you. I never knew that.

-Never told you.

-What happened?

Had you set a date?

No, we never got that far.

What happened to the ring?

Er...

Think she's still got it.

-Bitch.

-Bit strong!

Anyway, I never felt it was appropriate asking for it back,

given the circumstances.

Why? What happened?

Er...

We just...we just hadn't been getting on.

Me dad rang one night for one of his chats.

He loved Charlotte, thought t'world of her.

He were always mithering - "When are you going to set a date, you two?"

I don't know...

Anyway, me dad knew something were up, he said he could always tell

in me voice. And I just told him we hadn't been getting on,

-and we'd been rowing...

-You and your dad?

-No, me and Charlotte! Keep up.

-Yeah, yeah.

Anyway - you know, we just...

I loved Charlotte, I just wasn't IN love with her.

It just didn't feel right,

you know what I mean? And you just keep ignoring it

and you carry on like you do and...

We'd got a house, we'd got engaged,

but it just felt like we were going through the motions and...

I always felt removed.

Like I were playing a part in someone else's life.

-That's t'only way I can explain it.

-Wow.

So why did you split up, then?

Well, I told my dad all of that,

and the answer machine recorded the entire conversation.

-No!

-Straight up.

It clicked on when he rang, recorded the lot.

I went out to work, Charlotte came home, saw the light flashing,

played it back and the rest, as they say, is history.

-Shit a brick!

-Exactly.

That must have been awful.

It was.

Oh, God, I were devo'd. Didn't eat for three weeks.

-Not for you, for her!

-What?

Well - I didn't know it were being recorded!

Poor Charlotte.

I bet she was heartbroken, the poor girl.

Imagine coming home and hearing your fiance slagging you off.

-I wasn't proud of it!

-Awful.

I was upset too, you know. This is what I mean...

God, you...

Anyway, it were probably for t'best in t'long run.

I must admit, it did feel like a weight had been lifted.

Typical...selfish....man!

Selfish?!

You're the one waiting for her best mate to come home

before she's even bloody taken off on a plane.

-Completely different.

-It's not completely different!

-Yes, it is!

-This is women - you're nuts, the lot of you,

this is why you're better off on your own. Out of it.

Bollocks to love.

MUSIC: Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths

# See, the luck I've had

# Can make a good man turn bad

# So please, please, please

# Let me, let me, let me... #

What's up, you sulking? You not speaking to me?

# ..get what I want this time

-HE SINGS ALONG:

-# Haven't had a dream in a long time

# See, the life I've had

# Can make a good man bad

# So, for once in my life

# Let me get what I want

# Lord knows, it would be the first time

# Lord knows, it would be the first time. #